Daily Thoughts

The LUNATICS have taken over the ASYLUM....?

2010-10-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

For sure they have... Now just look at this....

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/oct/24/forests-government-heritage-private-developers

Blood boiling news....

Where have I been?

2010-10-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

Busy and not busy..what a cliche that is?

1. I was made redundant in July
2. Dossing around the house has been fun
2a. Holidaying. 2 holidays. Jimera de Libar en Espagne! Kobenhavn Danmark. Reigniting old friendship with lovely Danish friend.
3. Eldest son returned home from above land.
4. Almost 6 feet under but not..long story but here nonetheless
5. Contemplating life as an archivist
6. Finally come to terms with the fact that my head has been elsewhere for a long, long time
7. 5 poems to be published in a book of poems! Thanks Mr Pape.
8. Pissed off with the TORIES. YES, VERY PISSED OFF!
9. Trying to finish decorating bathroom in Victorian/olde English style
10. ? I will return soon to continue..oh yes I will! Greetings and love to all buddies in cyberworld..

Victory for the Greens and the first MP in Parliament

2010-05-07T03:45:00.000-07:00

OK, so the election results are up in the air and insecure right now but I really can't contain my excitement about Caroline Lucas becoming the first Green MP in Parliament; great news indeed and I feel proper chuffed about this and what this may mean for Green policies of the future. The people of Brighton have done the party proud and indeed, many of the old left wingers seem to back her manifesto.
Interesting times right now and let's watch this space to see what the next week or so brings to the new British Government.

I will return when I have more time but off to pack my bags to see the manc!

Plaid

2010-04-26T16:15:00.001-07:00

Need I say more about their music?? Revisiting them at the mo and my....

Hoo Haa, election time and walking the wonderful Manc Moors

2010-04-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

Who to vote for in this sad old climate of politics? Well, me being such an old skool labourite leftie, I fear it is time to make a radical turn away from their centre to right modern policies to something a little more radical. And the only solution to that is of course The Greens. I have now read their manifesto twice and have decided that their pledges are waht I feel most strongly about and thus, I have to vote for a party who reflects my own values and politics. Many an article I have read by Caroline Lucas and other Greens makes complete and utter sense to me..Of course you get the old arguement that a small party vote is a wasted vote but of course a small party, like small things have the ability to gwo and get bigger, so Green it is for me. I await with anticipation at the results of the elction but my dreaded fear is that the Tories will reign supreme..
Onwards Green I go...

The Pennine Way? Has anyone walked from Crowden to Edale part of the path? The man and I are planning to do this part of the way for our year anniversary. Our starting point at Longendale is truly gorgeous, big wide expanses of reservoir, which we've cycled the most of this area but when looking online at the Pennine Way, the horror stories make me laugh and wonder if I need to go on an emergency orienteering course. We will be camping along the way and of course taking compass and maps but it would be good to hear others experiences of this great part of the world. Indeed when I think of the North West, I love the hills surrounding Manchester and there's so much open space once you get out of the city..One day in the long future, it would make me happy top move up north just for this vast countryside and hills reason..

I am loved...

2010-04-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, I can honestly say that I am wholeheartedly and genuinely loved by a truly lovely man. Nearly a year of love has simplified so many things and yet brought to the fore so many hurdles that I am slowly but surely working through. A year of long distance travelling to be with the love and yet the flame still burns as it did on that first May weekend.
And yet we do so many simple things that life has become very simplified and this is good for me, for I have the chance and time to reflect and things have started to properly click into place at last and I now know that with love, brings peace and solace.
I will return soon to write about what is happening in my world but for now, the true man of my life has set me free..

Axed but starting to get the feeling of being interestingly free...

2010-02-25T14:51:00.000-08:00

Today it was announced that all of my work's division is to be axed as from July. Yes, the college I work for is in financial mess and thus, they are axing over 200 jobs meaning, the people I teach are not high priority..this being homeless people. Now, I could get into a long debate about the widening participation agenda and the hypocrisy of this but you know what? I can't be fuckin arsed. In many ways, I feel that the change for me is a welcome change. Don't get me wrong, I feel for those with a mortgage etc and as a unionist, I guess there will be strikes about these cuts which of course I will be active on, but in many ways, I am ready for a change. Whatever that may be? Who knows but maybe a complete change from the burn out work that teaching has become and maybe something a little more holistic, conservation or some such. we'll see. The money side of things will be a weird thing to get used to but in some ways, I am prepared to be skint for a while as I have been so in the past..
I have been off work for 6 weeks with anaemia, and this isn't improving as yet. I suspect, as the Dr says, I will feel better after the tablets have taken effect over the next few months. Debilitation and tiredness is not much fun when one wants to get back on track with life.
I did my first proper guided Zen meditation this week. Talk about intense! But, the experience was a good one and one that I would like to continue with as much as possible. To be able to let go as such for a long length of time is a feat in many ways but it proved good for me..so much so, I couldn't sleep last night and had a revelationary dream!
So things are moving and changing in my world and I will return to report to my cyber buddies when I get that free moment or two! and you know what, I feel sort of excited about what may be around the corner and what possibilities could be out there. Watch this space!

Hibernating January

2010-02-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

January started off so well but 3 weeks ago, I got hit by an awful virus which has subsequently left me with what the Dr terms, Post Viral Syndrome. Generally this means that I have been wiped of all energy, my ear tubes have been blocked and thus, my ear plays sounds of buzzing continually which is painfully annoying. I have spent most of the time in and out of bed recouperating and off work! Strange that these viruses knock the body for six! My man came over to stay with me for 2 weeks whilst I have been ill and showed me a lot of love and offered his support which was very kind and sweet of him..we did manage to go out one night for a curry and a lovely walk through the park admiring the stars..Sadly he had to go back yesterday which always depresses me for the first day that he's gone..but today, I woke up with a sense of finding some spirit again and trying to do a little more in the hope of feeling generaly better and a tad towards recovery!I visited a good friend who is going to give me a massage in return for me cutting her 1 year old son's hair - a good swap if you ask me and all without exchanging a penny! I also went to a Tai Chi class which I really enjoyed and enjoyed feeling the 'chi' in the tips of my fingers..really special feeling.

Whilst being ill I have also come across a great website called justfotheloveofit.org. This is a community based website aimed at people swapping their skills for free..a free economy one might say and worth joining if you believe and indeed would like to share the ethos/skills.. Apart from that, there is nothing much more to share in Sara world..Let's hope a speedy recovery ensues!

My heart goes out to Haiti

2010-01-15T12:49:00.001-08:00

Just a quick look in here to say that my heart goes out to Haiti and its people right now..what a sad state of affairs when you consider that the general UK populace moan about such triviality as the snow - Puts it all into perspective and here's sending cyber thoughts of love, support and strength to those suffering so much right now..I will return when time allows...

Happy New Year to all and hope your Xmas was one of peace and serenity, reflection and love..

2010-01-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

Here we are, January the 5th 2010! Another year over, a new one just begun..which funnily enough, sounds like a John Lennon song to me! and of course, is the lyrics to Merry Christmas war is over. Anyway, I hope you all had a peaceful and happy Xmas and spent it with loved ones and special ones.
My Xmas really started on the 22nd December 2009. I threw a small gathering for my friends, all of whom mean very much to me. Some could make it, others couldn't. Those who made it, well it was wonderful to catch up and remind myself what great friends I have. I was given a friend's music CD that he's finally put to disc, a bunch of flowers and some lovely chocolates - and these gifts were from my males friends, how sweet can people be? How thoughtful and isn't that what true friendships are about? Thoughtfulness, love and caring. Anyway, my gathering was alovely, warm affair with in my opinion, a good and chilled atmosphere..mulled wine, discussion, laughter and a little dancing made the night for me. Again, I will endeavour to have a gathering again towards the end of Jan and Feb to keep up to date with friends whom I don't see so much and who I miss not seeing.
Long Distance relationships in many ways mean that time at the weekend is spent travelling to or from and thus, weekend friendships partying seems to take on a back burner on some levels. I hope one day the long distance issue will be respolved but time will tell on this one.
Xmas Eve was spent with my son, partner and family in a nearby pub which was also a nice starter to the Yule celebrations. Xmas day was spent at home with the man and my son. We took a stroll around the university lake which was as pretty as a picture - white over and festive.
After Xmas, the man and me took to The Peaks for our respective present to each other - a 2 day stay in The Peaks - Edale, the place where we met. The weather was amazing up there and we managed to do a long walk over the peaks, through a forest and all the way to Ladybower Dam and then on to Bamford. Bearing in mind, we got stook in a snow blizzard high on the hills and part way as we wondered around Ladybower. I can declare that the pub fire never felt so warming and welcoming after such a long and arduous walk!
New Year's Eve was spent at home with my son and man. We arrived back late NYE and it was time for me to spend with my son this year..I enjoyed the night but was tired and would've been in no fit state for a proper hogmany bash!

Anyway here are a few pics of my Xmas..

Long Time No Write

2009-12-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

So it seems a long time since I last popped my head into here. I guess time has been passing me by quickly and other things have been more urgent than writing on my blog. Creative energy zapps and passes..as always. One moment I may get a huge urge to write followed by a complete dryness of writing ideas. I guess this all boils down to busyness of life and other things taking priority.
A few weeks ago was my Mum's memoriam, 4 years since her passing which in many ways, the time seems to have flown yet it feels so clear in my mind and memories..I know that a void within me took a hold the day she died and I do think it always will be as such for me.
Anyway, life must move forward and onwards....
Today I did a lovely walk with my 10 year old son around the university park, we fed squirrels and ducks and watched a wonderful Raven perch close by. I do love these birds! They are so majestic and eeery on many levels but also have an interesting symbolism with regards to folklore and magic. They are definitely a mysterious creature and the one we saw today was all of the above. It was good to get out and abouit in the fresh air and take in the cool December air and watch the water bob to and fro..such is the joy of being out in natural surroundings. During Xmas, I hope to stay in the countryside for a few nights and do plenty of walking with the man, time and money will tell. Anyway, off I dash and I will post up some poems soon that I have recently written when under my creative spell! Happy and Hearty December to you all!

Bounding energy ....

2009-09-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

All things to much energy me..My mind is an overactive atom bomb ready to explode at times but then seeking information and interests has also been a part of my personality, so let's let the atom bomb explode!!! Recently, I've been loving my foray back to William Blake land..I love this guy's work - paintings and many of his poems..Eternity? What a simple but beautiful poem..

Eternity

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies... Read more
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

My favourite picture? Possibly Pity or Adam and Eve watched by satan - amazing picture and illustration that was used in Milton's Paradise Lost.

I've also been enjoyimg listening to a band called Glas Candy, their track Digital Versicolor is sooooo seductive! I love it!
This weekend I have a few plans up my sleeve; a possible trip to the Manchester Buddhist Centre open day and def a visit to the Salford Quays War Imperial Museum to see the exhibition about the cold war and artefacts from the Berlin wall destruction. I look forward to seeing all of the coild war history - should be really interesting!

Life is good on many levels in my world, albeit a few hiccups here and there and the need to work through certain issues..lucky that solidity is present in my world, lucky indeed..

Reflections

2009-09-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

So the creative energy has been a tad dormant of late until one day last week, Thursday or Friday I think it was whereby I had the most wonderful creative energy. I wonder whether this is to do with the changing seasons and the wild wind blowing on this very day! I cycled to the city, bought myself a fab new book called 'Sum;Forty tales from the afterlife' by David Eaglemen, which I urge anyone to read who has an interest in different possibilities or not, of what may or may not be out there when we depart this plane of life. This weekend I reach 42! 42? I remember my Mum reaching 42 and it feels odd to be thinking that I'm there.. almost! You may call me mad but I aim to visit my Mum's grave on my birthday to return to the source of where I came from.. I spoke to the man about this and he completely understood my reasoning in this..then again, he's happy to sit in graveyards in the dark, drinking wine so that's no suprise there! Yes, I return to the source and indeed, thinking about such things has led me to spread creative energy via the medium of a poem! I hope you like this one...Gobbledegook maybe but sorta makes sense to me right now...

Reflections

Reflect outwards to the mass to correct -
Correct inwards to the core to reflect.
Universally, in bondage, we connect,
Subconsciously, we accidentally select.
Energy flows in the core to reflect,
Mirrors of reflecting shards we collect..
Tides of energy atoms we select,
Universal broken path we correct
Until our true self we finally, reflect..

Revisiting the girl mother inside of me....

2009-09-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Motherhood and family life..I have forgotten what this is like on a 'large level' if one can explain it this way; by this I mean, having more than just myself and my son to think about..but indeed, 3 children and a man. Yes, this weekend was the first time my partner's kids visited 'my gaff', as they call it in Manchester! I was a little worried as to how I would cope with this sort of invasion and my space being host to small kids again and indeed, my head and heart getting into a different way of functioning but I am happy to say, all went very well. The kids are extremely loving towards me, taken me on wholeheartedly seemingly and this weekend gave me the chance to really bond with all 3 children on an individual level and in their own rights as little people. The youngest child, now comes up and likes to be hugged by me and the middle child, insists that I am the one who brushes her hair! This girl thing? It's a whole new ball game to me, as I have only been around boys as of course, my kids are boys!
We did many activities from walking, boating, paddling, visiting nature and museums, glass painting, baking cakes, watching films, sitting in front of a garden fire and reflecting... The man is a beautiful Father, very loving, firm but fair, kind and openhearted and this to me, is a beautiful trait and indeed, shows to me such emotional maturity and loyalty.
I felt gutted when they all left to return to the North West and cried all the way back home. Why? You may well ask?
Well, I guess this weekend has reminded me what I love about family life, about how if one is truly happy with another soul then life flows freely and well, that I will never have children with the man as we both do not want any more kids and in some ways this brings a sense of sadness that we will never experience this together but on the positive we both have much to offer fellow children and this is indeed a positive thing, that I don't like to say goodbye to the man who I am deeply in love with, who understands me, who loves me, who listens and acts on promises for me, who is loyal, giving and kind...this essentially tears at my heart. But I feel truly blessed and I feel blessed that his children have taken to me with open hearts full of love too..

Finally coming back down to the real world..

2009-08-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

Time has passed since my last blog post and thus, I have been busy with holidaying and travelling to and from the North West.
Denmark was lovely; my lovely son has matured so much, he looks like a proper young man and so handsome! He loves being out there and is happy, feels free and will be starting language school next week. I feel proud of him and I also feel that this was the right move for him at this point in time in his life. We spent most nights together just chilling and catching up at being mother and son. My youngest son also enjoyed his holiday over there and was great for brothers to catch up with each other, play fight and have fun! Denmark as ever, filled me with a sense of freedom and carefreeness. Always has and I guess, always will. Cycling around Copenhagen still gives me that ultimate sense of freedom and love for the beauty of that city!

Greece was wonderful; romantic, loving, shared experiences and laughter. Spending such long time with the man was a whole new experience and of course, we got to know each other on a new and different level. He was in awe that I dared to travel alone as I had planned but then I have always been an independent soul and I do think there is some truth in middle children and issues around feeling lonely and thus, manage to become self reliant and self dependent. Anyway, our time was mainly spent swimming, snorkelling, eating in beautiful tavernas, cycling the length of the island, sunbathing and exploring - all in all, a sweet and interesting time was spent! and in many ways, I feel blessed that I have been able to experience this break.

Last night, I found out that one of my poems has been published in our local culture magazine. I feel proud, yet humbled by this at the same time and indeed, feel a sense of inspiration to write again soon. But for me, writing comes in waves and I really can not force it otherwise it feels untrue, wrong and false.. I will seek my poem out for you to read asap! Anyway a brief intro into my world and yes, it's good to be back and yet I do so miss my travels and my sense of wanderlust freedom..but you know, I guess I will always have this feeling inside of me..

Life's been busy and off I go...

2009-07-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

So things in Sara World have been busy! Weekends are mostly spent with the man and sharing precious time together that we are unable to do during the week re. living at different parts of the country but at least Manchester isn't so far and we both have the same comittment to travelling over see each other and spending time with respective kids.

This week my son and I jet off to Denmark to visit my eldest son and my friends. We are staying with a good friend in Copenhagen for 2 nights and then head off down south of Copenhagen to the coast road area, Greve Commune area, to stay in a small log cabin, close to the beach and close to where my son now lives. Spending time with him in his new country will be lovely. He's maturing so much and admitted to me that he loves being out in Denmark and as he says, feels very free. I remember feeling exactly the same when I first moved out there. So, much travelling of late and things to look forward to in Denmark..beaches, Bakken, Cafe Culture Dansk/Copenhagen stylee, catching up with family, cycling and museuming no doubt..

After our time there, we return and then off to Greece go I for a week with my man! A hardened traveller am I right now! I will try and blog more, with tales of my adventures and post up some pictures along the way!

Wild Water Swimming and Reverberation

2009-07-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

Wild water, outdoor swimming, one of the greatest feelings of them all! Yes, me and the man took a wonderful swim in an area close to Cranfleet Lock near Sawley.. a windsurfing lake that has a small beach like area. Easy to get into the water there and with a tinge of dull green about its colour, I was more than happy to immerse myself in this wilderness! We both loved it and the whole experience of swimming next to green foliage, trees and birds flying overhead felt truly ethereal. The erotic side of me loved the fact that I was experiencing this with the man and the contrast of pale white skin against a green water backdrop made me want to paint this moment for evermore! A place no doubt, where we will definitely go back to and play together in again! The man is a star and more and more, am I learning and letting myself go along with trusting and believing. This weekend, is an all kid one so that means, 4 kids between us, which should be much fun.
The man, like me, has a wild imagination but his is much more fantasy/otherworldly driven than mine and I keep telling him that he has to write down his daydreams..I guess this is a hangover from his drug fuelled days! Anyway, the daydreams are a long story that could indeed, be made into a trilogy film! He laughs when I tell him to write his stuff down cos he ain't a writer but draws and see things visual, so I offered to write down his daydreaming story - he reckons it'd take 3 years to write it all down!

Been listening to an old Smashing Pumpkins CD a fair bit over the past few weeks. Mellon collie and the Infinite Sadness. I love this album and I guess it reminds me a little about my own thoughts from the past and indeed, conquering these..My favourite tracks from the album are Galapagos, By Starlight, Farewell and Goodnight..
Just fantastic tracks and I love Billy Corgan's genius writing..

Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tite
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself
Heart strung, is your heart frayed and empty
cause its hard luck, when no one understands your love
Its unsung, and I say

Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all thats pure thats in your heart

Goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
Head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
Be careful not to let the bedbugs
Sleep tight nestled in your covers

The sun shines, but I dont
The silver rain will wash away

And you can tell, its just as well

Genius Mr Corgan, true genius! And beautiful tunes!

Heatwaves, Jetsetting and Nature...

2009-06-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

Summer is finally here and yes, like most of the British population, I'm huffing and puffing about the heat! Don't get me wrong, I love the warm sunshine and summer but I hate the fact that there are limited outdoor swimming and paddling facilities. Today, I had a big urge to head for a swim but failed to do so and thus, I may well get up extra early tomorrow and head for an early morn swim just after my son has left for school!
Me and the man semi planned to swim in a place called Audenshaw Reservoir in Manchester last weekend however, by the time we'd met each other at oxford Road, had a few beers in a lively pub, the idea seemed just too physical and thus, we ended up heading further down the Oxford Road area, which by the way, I especially like for bars! I took the man to an old haunt of mine called 'Big hands' and we then stumbled back to his in the early hours worse for wear!

During the weekend, I had some time alone as the man had his daughter's party to attend so I headed off to Stockport and spent a few hours roaming around the centre. I like the old areas of this city, not so keen on the new, but the Underbridge areas and walking street are sort of nice and remind me about what the town would've been like back in past times before modern development took a hold! After roaming around and enjoying a cosy pub called the Arden Arms, I met up with the man at Stockport Station and off we went jetsetting back to Notts for another party! Both of us agreed the weekend involved far too much booze and therefore, we aim to be more active and less boozy next time we see each other!
I have now met his children and this was sort of overwhelming for me in some way. They were so sweet to me and to watch him in his role as a father, was really something else..it also brought home a wave of emotions for me and also blew my mind on some level. I guess in this scenario I felt a tad sad that I would never have children with him and if we would have met at another time in our lives then maybe we would've gone down that path but we both agree that we were diiferent people in the past and thus, would have probably not even contemplated being together back then! Weird how paths take their own little routes with certain people entering life along the way. Anyway, the kids? They treated me with much love and affection and it all felt so very natural to be around them, helping where necesary and standing back when the time felt right to do so. I managed to even get a hug and kiss from the eldest daughter, who in many ways, I connected with instantly - possibly because she's at the age where she's interested in finding out about many things and seemed extremely interested in me!

Today, I had a visit from a common toad! Yes, sat outside my back door amongst my bottle bank! Sweet! The little thing budged itself when it saw me and then just sat there staring.. I love these moments of nature invading my life..reminds me about what peace can be found in animals all around us! I remember a Hedgehog visiting my garden last year, which touched and warmed the heart for sure!

So, 2 months since I met my man. The time has flown and yet when I am with him, nothing matters, he calms me down and brings me peace, he makes me feel better when maybe things have been tough on some level, he constantly reassures me and makes me feel beautiful, all I see when I am with him is him - indeed, sitting on the train back to Notts and all around me seem to fade into the distance when sat at his side, he is tactile and very loving and therefore, he is to me, one of the best gifts that has entered my life for a very long time! We are making plans for the future about things that we would like to do together; travel, experiences, fun time with kids and the potential of where and how we may be closer to each other on a location level..whether this be by him moving here or me moving over to the North West or Peaks, time will tell...but all is calm and peaceful in my world...

Long time no blog post............

2009-06-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

Things in Sara world have been pretty hectic of late meaning, blogging has taken a bit of a back seat. I've been seeing a lightness and a feeling of becoming hopefully more creative and productive again. I'm hoping to design a large mirror and white tiled mosaic for my garden so that when the sun or moon shines, its light will be reflected all around into space!

Have been listening to The Shortwave Set and The Band of Horses. Band of Horses song Funeral, truly blows my mind..so melancholic yet bloody beautiful at the same time! I was led to their tunes afer the man showed me a BMX video with Funeral used as the soundtrack and after that, I had to seek out these guys' tunes!

This weekend has also been a hectic one. A party to attend Saturday, with some of my mates and brother and wife meeting the man. Hence, too much alcohol was drunk and I literally forced us to go for an early morning - 1am, bike ride down the river to watch and listen to the wonderful flowing water. He must think I'm mad, but not that he doesn't have his own mad man and outlandish moments!
Sunday, we took ourselves for a long swim, playing in the water together was great fun and such a great feeling especially when there was only 5 other people swimming in the pool!
Last night we chilled and watched a film together ready for a good night's sleep and an early wake for the man as he was commuting back to Manchester this morning 6am, to get a deadline completed with his job.

Already he's discussed moving to Nottingham..the only fear is jobs and his house. However, an art course at uni beckons him and I see no reason why I shouldn't support his dream being a reality! We'll see, still early days but when I'm with him it all feels so calm, loving and free. Don't get me wrong, I have my anxieties and I realise that my self esteem has been knocked over many years - and I'm talking 10 or more years..I guess when our exterior gets chipped at, the interior crumbles somewhat and this is where the rebuilding of oneself, on some level, has to start again. Difficult and a long battle and me being such a thinker, can be problematic. The key is to do rather than think, just as my man reminded me about a similar Bruce Lee quote. I think also, the love I receive is different from any sort of past love and this taps into childhood stuff that has never been there, hard to explain but enlightening all of the same! When asked at the party on Saturday how long the man and me have known each other, he replied, '3000 years, have I known Sara'..Blows my mind at times and thus have to really keep a lid on it!

I'm again starting to write some poems but the tone is so different, in my opinion..A good friend commented to me that she is glad to have the old Sara back - apparently, I've been gone someplace else for the last 12 years, which for an outsider to observe is an interesting and weird though indeed!

Work has been hard on some level but inspiring on another; a student of mine wrote the most fantastic article about graffiti art - brilliant stuff and gave me a real buzz to read her work and times like this remind me that my job is so worthwhile!

Weekend of wonder

2009-06-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Another free weekend for me to spend time how I liked, so the Man came to visit me this time. It's amazing how we just happily fall into doing the things we both want to do with no issue or arguements.
We met in the city, when I saw him walk up to me my heart flipped and I just felt so lovely holding him as time stood still..we headed for a drink at a trad pub near the canal and just grounded each other.
Saturday, breakfast was cooked for me and we then headed into the city to meet a good friend of mine who was celebrating her birthday. A quick drink and birthday wishes were exchanged and then off we went around the Lace Market - I wanted the man to see the beautiful buildings of this part of Nottingham but sadly, we couldn't get into St Mary's Church grounds, so instead, we admired the fab gargoyles on this ancient church!

We then sampled all of my local boozers in the city with cocktails to end and a taxi home. Saturday was a beautiful evening so we got cosy in my garden and watched the stars until early a.m.

Sunday, we did a long walk down to the river and paddled in it - the man was going to swim in the river but the area where we landed was too shallow, even though the current is fast, the water only reached to our knees - we've decided that next time we'll head to a pond that my Dad still takes a plunge in!
The last part of our time spent together was in my backgarden lying on the grass and just having some quiet and reflective time together..to see him depart on the train was and is a wrench and leaves me feeling lonely for a day or so afterwards but that's something I need to work on and indeed, see the positives rather than dwelling on his presence being missed.

My weekends are a delight in his company and we now have to negotiate how we can se each other when he starts to have his kids every alternate weekend - guess the next step is moving towards us introducing each other to our respective kids and all hanging out together which I'm sure will have its trials, as I know these sort of set ups often do at times, but he is worth all of that and more!

Coming to terms with Real Love

2009-05-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

I live in my head and dreams. Always have done and I guess always will. I follow my heart and I throw myself in without caution. I guess this is down to the fact that I am a very passionate person and thus an emotional person.. A month down the line of being with the new man, I am realising that when real love is offered to me, on the level that the man offers to me, at times, scares the shit out of me!
Maybe I have always had difficulty accepting genuine love on some level and thus, have possibly throughout much of my life, chosen men who are 'emotionally distant or controlling'.
The new man, constantly reassures me - my trust has been broken from the past and thus, this is posing the fear of trusting again. The days away from him have in some ways, been wobbly for me and left me feeling needy and yet, I couldn't wish for a better person to rebuild my trust..as he says to me..

"I am walking beside you and I am going nowhere unless you tell me to Fuck off"

And I genuinely believe him. When I think about the words spoken to me last weekend, I have been deeply touched and need to remind myself that this love is real. To be told that he has been drawing me ( the features I have) all of his life in his facial pictures, blew me away!
This love doesn't hurt me, it supports me, it works with me, it listens and understands me, it lets me be free, it practices honesty, it's passionate and romantic and kind and caring..I could kick myself at times..
Just goes to show how low my self esteem has been. To accept a person tell you that you are beautiful, that they could draw almost every line and mole on your body is an amazing and wonderful thing..and is what I have searched for in a partner for all of my life. I now just need to work on accepting and letting love move the way it should do naturally..

Hip Manchester

2009-05-25T13:40:00.001-07:00

Manchester, what a brill vibe going on this city! My 4 day break with the man was wonderful! The place feels sort of cosmopolitan and happening on so many levels. Of course the place also has its fair share of social problems and poverty as any other city in the UK but I actually really enjoyed my time there and loved the relaxed and buzzing feeling.
The photos? The pillars? this is a night view of Manchester Art Gallery - a brill gallery with some great works including Henry Moore, Lowry, Mogliadini to name a few. Visiting the art gallery with the new man was a treat and a beautiful and romantic experience.
The marble pillar? This is the man's local pub and apparently, used to be a bank - such a grand and beautiful building this is for sure.

The kissers? the man and me of course..

We had a great time. Walking around a large reservoir and canal, visiting the gallery, a Chinese meal out in Chinatown followed by some rauccous dancing at a brill little venue called The Tiger Lounge - playing kitsch and retro sounds..right up my street! On arrival back to the man's area at 5am, we decided to head straight home, although we were tempting each other to head to a near reservoir to watch the sun rise .BUT too much booze and tiredness deterred us though and I'm sure we'll do this another time when on my next visit and we also think we'll head skinny dipping in the reservoir - hopefully we won't get arrested!

Leaving him was hard today, really choked me up but I know that when Friday comes, he'll be zooming his way up to my open arms again and I really await to be in his arms again!

The Old Art of Letter Writing...

2009-05-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Letter writing? Always loved doing it and always love receivinga hand written letter. Sadly, I guess people don't write handwritten letters that much anymore due to e communication..of course e communication is a good thing but handwritten letters just feel so wholesome!

I recieved a beautiful love letter today from the man..really lovely and touched me deeply. So much time, energy, patience, beauty and love is contained in this letter, that i'll treasure it so much. There's something so romantic too about receiving a handwritten letter and I guess I'm just a sucker for old traditions on some level.

Off to Manchester I trek this weekend - 3 days of bliss with the lovely man. We have lots of plans up our sleeve. The Manchester Art Gallery, The Lowry, some beautiful park with woodlands and lakes, the local pub, a pub on Oxford Road that I want to return to which I don't think the Man has ever been to. A rock/punk pub that the man wants to show me. Alongside this, we have to find a way of getting a bath! The man's boiler has broken and he isn't sure it'll be up and running for when I arrive so apparently, a trip to his Mum and Dad's might been in the equation for bathing!

Life feels so wonderfully light and beautfiul right now and my reflection is staring back at me in the pure form of he who feels like my other soul..

Relics of the Past

2009-05-15T04:50:00.000-07:00

I love old architecture and buildings and thus, remembered that a while back there was a wonderful programme on TV about restoring some of Britain's old buildings of which, Victoria Baths in Manchester was one. I remember way back then thinking how much I would love to see this Victorian relic and feel its atmosphere, decor and social divisive ways that the Victorians adhered to. So it looks like I will get the chance to see this place when I visit Manc. Talked to the man about this place and he's unaware of the building and then realised he lives really close to it!

http://www.victoriabaths.org.uk/

Both agreed that we'd like to spend alot of time wondering around looking at this piece of historical beauty! I sent a love card to the man yesterday..haven't sent one of those for a long time.. along with a poem that I wrote about him and me. Apparently, he has also wrote me a letter and I look forward to reading what he's wrote gosh! Wow, I await with a smile and I really am trying to contain myself until I next see him but it's bloody hard, my it is!

Greece? Here we come!

2009-05-13T13:30:00.001-07:00

Finalised. Greece wandering.. not alone any longer but with my boyfriend... gosh. I told him that if we hate each other by August, which I actually think is highly unlikely, I am going to push him out of the aeroplane window! Gently gently, we said but hell, no, here we go again and we've now booked his flight. Luckily, my hotel room is a double and the owner is only charging us 10 euros extra for him to accompany me. Bloody cool stuff!
I'm so excited and I know in many ways, 3 months is far too long to wait but patience is the key. Still, I can't fuckin wait either and I was told the loveliest of things today.

'Anywhere in the world would be wonderful with you'

What a lucky woman I am - Goodness has finally arrived at my door.

Take it by the bollocks?

2009-05-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

Fuckinell, so it's decided. The Manc and I are officially in a relationship! God. Ain't it amazing how things just happen without any forewarning? I was not, completely NOT looking for a relationship, mainly cos of the past few years of let downs. However, sometimes it's just not good enough to let a good thing pass you by and the Manc, I truly feel, is possibly my soul mate. Hard to describe but everything with him and about him is so easy, honest, open, loving and as we both put it to each other, our feelings are mutual.. Taking life by the bollocks? Truly am for life could end tomorrow and I want to experience him and all he is about, just as much as he does me..the words he has spoken to me have humbled and made me feel completely empowered and truly special..

Thus, we have decided to go away together. He will be booking a flight to Athens with me and coming on holiday.. Can't wait! We both want to hire bikes, swim, snorkel, walk, club, get drunk, visit another island, love, play and nurture. I'm trying to not get too ahead of myself and keeping it all real but you know, it all feels so very real anyway so why put a lid on the realness? And you know, thoughts of him make my belly and heart feel fluffy, warm and whole.. 'kinell!!!!!
Wow!!!!

Lightness and beginnings

2009-05-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

A weekend that will not be forgotten very easily my friends. After deciding to spend our time together in Nottingham, the Manc man and I enjoyed a wonderful time together, we really did. I was given a beautiful gift on his arrival and one that I'll treasure!
I showed him the Trip to Jerusalem, of which of course we got rather inebriated. Saturday, we went for a long, long walk until late and then when we finally arrived back at mine, we went to eat out for Chinese and had a drink or too. Today, we went for Sunday dinner and then walked the canal into Nottingham with a few stops along the way. We got on so well and it is with sadness that I have to wait for 2 weeks until I next see him, this is a long time but patience, understanding and trust will surely be the key to dealing with this... I know I will at times, possibly panic and worry but I feel reassured.
Whilst in his company, I dreamt, for the first time in ages, about water..pools on pools of water, fearful to step in the water but calm and beautiful water..this to me, feels extremely symbollic!

I have a flutter in my heart, a light and beautiful flutter and I won't go into detail but when I say that I feel scared, you may get what I mean. I don't mean scared in the 'frightened of this person' sense, I mean in the 'letting my heart run free' sense. I don't know where this will all go and of course day by day is the key but everything feels so good. So very good...I may even have a travelling companion in August if I so desire and it looks to be a big possibilty. This man is a gent and has treated me like a princess..I'd forgotten what that feels like!
Yet everything feels so light, easy and he makes me laugh, lord does he make me laugh like you would not believe...I think this is the beginning of something.

Falling falling falling
--- said,
Head over heels
-- said,
Inspiring his art,
Opening her heart.
Embracing around the smoke,
Fighting back the urge of tears -
They choked.
Where will it all go?
Keep a lid on it.
In time.. lift the lid; fly high....

Art, Excitement, laughter and Ashes to ashes

2009-05-07T10:00:00.001-07:00

My new Mancunian friend, at last, has allowed me to see his art work via cyberworld! He downplays it but I'm more than impressed with what he creates - I wish he'd let me see his portfolio of work but maybe once we've got to know each other better then he will..

So I'm so excited about seeing the manc this weekend, feel sick, anxious, happy, manic - all of the feelings that appear when you've met someone new to whom you start to like..
We've had a lot of contact since the weekend and he's as nervous as me about seeing each other - I'm glad he lets me know this, it feels reasuring on some level and indeed, good that he can communicate about such things. I guess we'll eat out, do some pubs, maybe visit art galleries or some nice old buildings and he's into graveyards! Can't believe that the manc is a graveyard fan! Awesome. So apart from all of the nerve crap, I've found alot of time to laugh about things and remember that life is for living in the light..and I do feel light in my heart right now- this is a good thing.

Ashes to Ashes? Been really enjoying it and I love the throwback to the 80s; music, fashion, humour, right on politics and challenging stereotypes..really good! I love the actress who plays Alex, I think she's brilliant and will make sure I watch every damn programme!

Here's to the weekend and whatever it may bring...

Wellis Fool Hip Hop and Romantic Ponderings..

2009-05-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

Oh God, I feel sick, sick with nerves that I have arranged to see the Manc this weekend. I can't wait and neither can he!! We messaged each other and he phoned me from work - the man does not own a mobile! Fuckin excellent stuff! I like this and neither did I own one up until 3 years or so ago..He admitted to me that he thought the weekend was 'crackin'..! To hear that Mancunian accent aswell, blimey, you have NO IDEA!!! What a sweet soul - sharing the fact that he's nervous about seeing me again but can't wait! Wow.. all a bit exciting and something lovely to look forward to! The weird thing is, although I feel nervous, I also feel really calm about him and have a good feeling with this - like it's just easy. We're planning to meet each other once decided who is travelling to where, head for a drink and then maybe something to eat!

Anyway, meanwhile back in grounded world, I have come across a good Hip Hop Artist called Wellis Fool. A complete and brilliant wordsmith and indeed, music maker. Go check him out if you have an incline for Hip Hop. It's refreshing to hear lyrics of the politico type and this guy is about politics and change in the world, hence me bigging the man up! Good things come to those who practice goodness? Yes, I think it does...

Mmm Hmmm camping, nature and a potential spark for a new friendship..

2009-05-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

What a great weekend in Sara world. My friend and I went off to The Peaks for our nature worship and indeed, for my love of walking up humoungous hills! I climbed Hollins Cross and then over to mam Tor, all alone, all in peace and all feeling so wonderfully free and happy!

Later on in our camping break, a guy struck up conversation with me asking if I'd like to play ball later. Of course, I said, and after much fun in the pub, met up with him to play ball! However, we ended up going for a moonlit walk around the village, sat on a small hill talking about life and philosophising as you do, headed back to my tent for a drink and stayed up all night under the stars talking. He is, I might add, a dear!
A Mancunian salt of the earth dear. He reminded me about the sweetness and sensitivities of men and made it quite clear that he would like to be in touch with me for camping, walks, visits to Nottingham or Manchester. I await.

But you know, I hope this friendship develops, I don't know why but my gut feeling about this guy is one of honesty, truth, love and sincerity. He's also a father, has 3 kids who he sees regularly, loves art, loves walking and old buildings, cycles and doesn't own a car. Sounds great. The man is a gent, he and his mates helped me and my friend with our bags when heading back to catch our train. We hugged and said our farewells but I hope our farewell is a new hello. and I feel excited and alive..ain't it weird when you meet a new person and you just 'click'? Weird that we felt so at home in each other's company..who knows, could be a long and fun friendship about to develop and in all honesty, I really do want to see him again,if not for the pure laugh factor cos he makes me smile and he made me laugh and laugh and laugh!

Ahh Life...

2009-04-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

Life is just seeming to get a whole lot better. I think the darkness is lifting and I guess this is because we change mindsets and circumstances. Today has been a good one, working with some learners on Graffiti art and Egyptian influenced art work. The eye of Horus and the Ankh. I enjoy teaching art and indeed, facilitating and inspiring artistic thought!

Yoga is certainly great for me. I feel grounded, confident and back to my old self. Of cpurse, when exterior problems from others have been a factor then no wonder our life and emotions become affected on some level!

My son's Dad and I have also agreed our duties to our son over the summer period. This means that I get some lone time whilst my son shares some good time with his Father during the holidays. Because of this, as you know, I have gone and flippantly booked myself a lone flight to Athens whereby I will then catch a ferry to one of the closer Aegean islands, hire a bike and do some sightseeing, swimming, beaching and of course the obligatory night time partying Greek style! So many people have asked me why I would go alone. But you know, travelling alone really does not bother me. In many ways, I find it exciting, a challenge and good fun and most of the time, you can guarantee that I will meet new people along the way. I can't afford this trip in all honesty but to hell with that, you only live with once and I don't often get a week alone so, hell for leather I say.

A good friend of mine has mentioned the possibility of going away in the next couple of weeks, a new town for the weekend or camping. There's been no firm decisions as yet but it all sounds good to me.

My son? He's a lucky little fellow. I paid for him and his Dad (as his Dad's bday present)to go and watch the last Forest match this Saturday. This is the first time my son has been to a match with his dad and I know he's looking forward to it; they connect on this level and thus, it only seems right that my son chose this as a birthday pressie for his Dad. Thank God they have a son and father relationship, it's so important in my opinion and it's sort of positive that me and his Dad can still maintain some civilness and mature approach to each other, even though we have been split for such a long time. In many ways, this is a blessing, it really is.

Swine flu? This seems worrying to me. The Mexicans are having a hard time of it, so it seems..I wonder where this will all lead to? Makes you really wonder..

Relationships? I've decided that I'm best out of them for the time being now. It is the only way forward for me in all reality right now. I put so much emotional energy into them, especially the last one, I fall in love and then it seems it gets all pushed back at me and then I get hurt..some people just don't like to tell truths so for now, I think the best is to be free and single and then there is no chance or risk of getting emotionally burnt.
This part of the lyrics from the song Turquoise make me think about how soft we amd the heart can be and thus, we need to protect it..

Your smile beams like sunlight on a gull's wing
And the leaves dance and play after you
Take my hand and hold it as you would a flower
Take care with my heart, oh darling, she's made of glass

If I get asked out for a drink or meal etc, then maybe so. But when a deeper involvement is the case, I really am going to be picky from now on, take my time to REALLY get to know what the person is about and make my decsion then and if ever, ever again, there are any 'still loved' ex'es in the equation, I'm running away as fast as fuck!!

Thursday, I have a whole day in the city. Off to yoga again, off to visit a friend in the city for a small while, who I haven't seen in quite a long time. I'll then take myself for something to eat somewhere cheapish and nice, maybe chuck in a bit of art gallerying in the city, then off to a union meeting until early evening! An action and productive day for sure..

Beauty of Francois Hardy

2009-04-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

Me being a hardened music fan, have recently been listening to an old favourite French singer of mine - Francois Hardy. She has a terribly beautiful and calming voice and her 60s sounds are just so gorgeous.I guess I'd be a fool to choose my favourite songs of hers but I do sway towards the tracks Mon Amie La Ros eand L'amitie, both for their tune and their lyrics..

'mon amie la rose' - English translation lyrics

We are fleeting
And my friend the rose told me that this morning

At the dawn I was born
Baptized with dew
I blossomed
Happy and amorous
In the ray of the sun
I closed at night
I woke up old

Though I was beautiful
Yes, I was the most beautiful flower in your garden

Look at the God that made me
Make me bow my head and I feel I am falling
My heart is almost naked
I have one foot in the grave
I already no longer exist

You admired me yesterday and I will be dust forever tomorrow

The moon stayed by the side of with my friend this night
In a dream I have seen, blinding and naked
Her soul that was dancing far beyond the highest clouds
And it was smiling at me

Believe the one who wants to believe
I need hope, otherwise I am nothing

and L'amite..So Many Friends

so many friends have come and gone like you have done
I meet them for a while between the rain and sun
like birds of passage sheltering from a stormy sky
we get to know each other while the clouds pass by

they always leave a little of themselves behind
a tenderness and sympathy so hard to find
they listen to my troubles with a look so wise
but often there's a touch of sadness in their eyes

like you, you came to me, from the storm
you came to me and I kept you warm

so many friends of mine before have done the same
they go away from me as quickly as they came
their hearts are full of tenderness and love to share
with all the lonely people they meet everywhere

who knows exactly what the future has in store
one thing I know for certain, I've got one friend more
a friend in need will always find a friend in you
maybe some day when I'm alone you'll see me through

some day, I'll come to you from the storm
I'll come to you and you'll keep me warm

Life Affirming Dream

2009-04-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a proper heavy day of teaching, full on and one of my students was what would be probably classed as ADHD, all day BLOODY LONG - hard work for sure and to top it all, I was feeling really emotional! Anyway, doomladen and feeling sorry for myself, I had a lovely bath last night but had a good cry in the bath which is sad but it has to come out somehow, read in bed and got an early night..
Anyway, me being such a wonderful sleeptime dreamer to the point where I remember many of them very clearly, I was given the fortunate experience to remember a beautiful dream this morning. I woke up veary early around 5ish and this was what I remembered..

Dream scenario.

' I was walking around the Hockly area of Nottingham, feeling a little down and sorry, but really becoming excited about the lovely shops there, with all unusual things in; secondhand shops, antiquey shops, retro, jewellery. As I walked passed an old fashioned building, with a beautiful double door frontage of Oak wood, a man ran out to me, from said building which was a Hairdresser's, he was golden blonde with short hair and had a kind face. I don't know this person in real life or at least I haven't met him. He told me I was 'good looking' and gave me the widest warm smile. This made me smile and made me feel good, after all, I have been through a load of shit and sadness recently!
I felt like I was 20 years old again! I continued to walk down the street into another old building whereby I went to get some lunch. The decor was grand but beatnik and I felt very relaxed in the place whilst I ate some nice food. I left the place and the dream ended'

I woke up this morning feeling better and almost like life has been reaffirmed for me! I felt happier and ready to face the world. Sometimes you know, I do think I have some bloody angel or some such looking after me..I'm not a crank and I'm reasonably sane but in times when I've been lower than low, these poignant reminders it seems, are put in my place and indeed, make me feel good again. Interesting stuff and I wonder who the man was! Maybe he was my guardian angel but he looked different to the angel visitation dream man, that appeared in my dream sometime back...Fascinating and watch this space for more of my wonderful dream journals! Maybe my guided path is getting closer..funny thing is too, I read some of my Living in the Light book again last night and that book is almost magical, trust me!

Another weird thing is, I was feeling broody not so long ago! Don't think I'll be having any more babies to be honest now but I thought to myself if I ever had the pleasure to bear a daughter, I would, or would've named her 'Mae Rose'. I love this name and it dawned on me when I sat with another soul, not so long ago..weird how we have these thoughts I guess.. But Mae and Rose? Beautful names..

Cherry Blossom healing

2009-04-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Cherry blossom petals,
Shine softly through,
The wind blows soft and gentle,
The leaves stay green and true.
Take me to a restful place,
a soulful peaceful hue.
Close down the darkness of April,
A fresh dawn spring - sweet and new..

Cherry blossom softness,
Raining through my heart,
Lift my soul and conquer,
What others tore apart..
Bring me peace and love -
To rest forever more..
Heal my soul of sadness
Cure my heart so sore...

Where Have I been?

2009-04-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, where have I been of late? Climbing up hills and enjoying nature..indeed, finding peace and perspective out there in nature - works for me and always has done. Had a lovely time in The Peaks with my son, my friend and her kids. I've booked to go over there again soon for a long weekend, this time without kids and with the aim of really letting the hair down..whatever that may mean. May take bikes to do some cycling but the aim is to walk, enjoy nature, hit th pubs, maybe meet some fellow walkers or indeed, mountain bikers and maybe spark some drunken funny conversations as often tends to be the case when two lone females are part of the equation!

Time to spread my wings and fly people. New happenings, new openings, new life style, new friends, new dawns and a different way forward making different choices that DO NOT reflect the last 3 years of the choices I have blurrily made. A sad lesson to learn for me but no doubt a constant reminder and like being pinched hard on the arm that me, yes me, has better places to go now. Life must move forward to new, fresh and positive places and attracting this in my life. Yeps, life has been in a foggy place but at times, ties have to be cut I guess when they affect you on some level. The key too is not to sentimentalise things but keep on the rational and head side. The heart has to be put on hold now for complete worthiness and although I am in love the only way to be loved is when it is reciprocated!

Today I received a lovely postcard from a sweet Portugese friend of mine. He's out in France at the minute for a few weeks and thus, was great to hear that he's doing good. He's back in the UK again next week but sweet that he thought to send me a postcard with a lovely picture of the town he's staying in. I like these little things that people do and you know, it makes you realise about those whose hearts are BIG and Wide and Open!

I have an invite out this weekend, to which I have agreed. Should be interesting and I'm feeling rather excited about it cos there should be dancing and music involved, always good by me.

My son, bless him, discovered he is on Google street map! Haha, his mates told him that he was on one of the phtos near their house - outside, propped up on his bike and alas, we type in the postcode and there he is! What a nightmare but how funny..he said, Hmm can't belive they caught me on that picture! CUTE! So imposing though these things, they really are.

Thinking about heading to a CND demo/Vigil soon in memoriam of Chernobyl and in opposition to the proposed building/renewal of Nuke power stations. I hate Nuke power and I hate the thought of Govt's spending more dosh on them..If I decide to travel to the demo, then it's a day of gatherings, tea, cake music and discussion followed by camping on the beach overnight to a candlelight vigil the following day.. A long way to travel to the place in question but I feel this is the way forward for me in life. I can't keep sitting back and not doing anything that I essentially, feel passionate about. My weekends are fairly free so what a way to start giving precious time to..Yes, I feel the future is dawning on me and I feel that the decsions I am making about many things and indeed in protection of myself and my sanity, are certainly the right ones..

I found this quote the other day and at the moment for me, it sums up how I feel. I don't mean to sound negative but it makes me feel that I can truthfully trust in nature so very much, for it does heal me and it does nurture me, it doesn't let me down and I can rely and trust on what it gives and says to me..
I know that one day, this will come again from possibly a loving 'male' human and hopefully I will be able to trust but for now, nature has been a small saviour to me..or should I say a large saviour? Hmm that surely is one to ponder I fear!

Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.

Mum's Insight, Realisation and Peception to do the right thing..

2009-04-05T04:08:00.000-07:00

My Mum, may she rest in peace, always used to tell me that I was 'too caring', 'too understanding' and that this may, or may not, do me any favours. I look at my life over the past few years and I realise that by being all of the above, this has done me no favours whatsoever.
Indeed, by putting trust where trust shouldn't have been put, by caring and and being kind, has meant that I have been fooled with. Now don't get me wrong, I don't feel embarrassed or anything about this because I guess I come from a place in my mind and heart that people, on the simplest level are 'only human', and can see regret and remorse etc. I am, or should I say was, a BIG believer in the view that people can change. I'm not so sure aynmore because when people continue in the cysces of destruction and devastation that hurts others, then maybe change never does happen essentially. Now, I don't want to sound bitter either because I am actually not and that is the truth, I'm more or less saddened more than anything.
This also leads me to think and indeed, realise that I need to go with my gut and intuitive feelings from now on.. To deny this has caused me pain and looking back, I should've got out of a situation last summer rather than being so trusting. I also don't like to have a tough shell around me, and I do wear my heart on my sleeve and this, I will always continue to do so bvut I guess the difference now is, that when the gut feeling kicks in about a situation and dishonesties, then I need to run as fast as possible..
And truths? Well, we all deserve to know the truth do we not? Or am I naive in thinking this? Is it not an honourable thing to speak with honesty? Or am I living way back in some rose tinted past? Your thoughts would be welcomed about this but you know, I have made firm decisions that now will lead me forward into new territory.
I await a 2 day break up in the Peaks this week which will I know, refresh me and put the last few months into perspective and give me the well needed strength and courage to break away...

Birmingham antics..and collectivism

2009-04-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

Birmingham? My stay there was good. Just what I needed. The union course was brilliant with a well informed trainer who'd been active in the Miner's strikes of the 80s and a then active member of the NUM and now Unison and UCU. I thought these types were a dying breed, they're still in existence but they're an aging population and need to be revered when I think about all of the political knowledge and experience they hold. The emphasis on collective action and proaction was inspiring and affirming for me..
So, apart from feeling more fired up and wanting to get more active, I also managed to see a band called Broken Records at The Glee Club, which is in the arty/Gay/China Quarter of Birmingham. This band were fantastic! I think they're going to be big given time - so musically diverse with so much instrumental talent in the band, keep a look out for them! I had a drink in a gay bar, which I have been in before and I love the atmosphere in there, The Old George I think it's called..but a lovely little traditional pub!

I also managed to take a look in at Birmingham Art Gallery, loved the Buddhist Gallery and the naked men on the walls - all that power in those paintings, amazing that such pictures can be created from paint and the human hand and mind..

Retro shop? I found a cool one and picked up a nice pair of boots and a lovely pink coat for the grand total of £30! Wonderful stuff.

On the way home, a colleague from my work place, who I've never met before, even though we're in the union at work and he's an activist, were talking about absence from work. He made me laugh when he told me that he uses latin terms for his illness if he's off work with sickness; Takes a Thesaurus, looks for the latin word of Diarrhoea and writes this down, laughed my head off at this! Yes people, there's spirit in some of the nation still for sure and that's where my heart and soul belongs.. and I guess, always has done and always will..Wish more of the nation would collectivise themselves, I really do.

Tonight I hope to attend a poetry event, should be interesting and no doubt I will report back to my cyber diary!

Thoughts at bedtime

2009-03-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.

Good Old George Orwell! Not many of the old revolutionarys left though I fear! But at least I can rest in peace and remember that Goerge I think, would've honoured me!

The art of using deceit and cunning grow continually weaker and less effective to the user.

How true and from my recent experience, this has been validated. Thye truth never lies!

Lucky for Me

2009-03-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

Spoke to my son's Dad and luckily, he's going to stay at mine with my son whilst I attend the union training course. I don't really like him to stay at mine and I know he doesn't either but at the end of the day, it ain't about mine or his feelings but what is best for our son and getting to school if he's better or indeed, being in his own space with his toys and things..

Google street map? Have you seen this facility? I don't like it - how imposing is it? I can see my front room, my windows are open and thank God I'm not shagging or anything in the view of the window when the picture was taken! Talk about invasion of privacy! I guess it's good if you're trying to find a place for holiday and how to get there and what it looks like but apart from that, it's too scary!

Everything is coming into perspective for me. I can't believe how terribly destructive and dishonest humans can be..I think I need to have my antenna completely alert from now on, either that or becomne a fuckin nun! Don't get me wrong, my feelings for the guy are really strong but I ain't being no pushover and when you don't get honesty from a person then sometimes, you have to do a little bit of your own investigation to find out the truth - even if, the truth can fucking hurt. Rather truth than lies for sure though..Rather love than hate but maybe the time has now come to selectively choose who I fall in love with? Can you do that? I don't know cos I'm a believer that we have no control over love, do we? I really am confused as can be seen..Ah well, bring on the self love! But you know, deep down, someone out there is walking towards my destiny and they will not fuck me over or play childish games.And so the world turns...

Monday action

2009-03-30T04:40:00.000-07:00

Woke up today and my son wasn't feeling too great so, I decided it was for the best, for him to have a day off school. This has meant I've had to take a day off work but I've been working a little at home and catching up on a few bits and bobs and also, enabled me to get on top with other things that I need to sort out.
I've decided to get an overall health check again so off to the Health Shop go I, in a few weeks - the people in there are really friendly and indeed I have an appointment for a few weeks time. Let's hope I get a clean bill but who knows what the outcome will be. Thank God we have services like this that enable people to attend appointments in a non judgemental manner!!

My glands are still swollen but not as bad as last night so maybe this was just a one off? Hopefully, they will be fine by Wednesday cos I'm so fired up about the training course.

Poetry? Haven't been writing it for a while but I'm looking forward to attend a poetry event this Friday..it sounds good and will be nice to attend something that is new to me..You take your own wine and there's a number of poetry readings, apparently! Should be cool and may inspire me to put pen to paper again and find some of my dormant imagination!

Psychosomatic..

2009-03-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

After the past few days of emotional stress, which in many ways equates to quite a while of stress when I think realistically about it, my glands in the front of my neck have enlarged, hardened, are sore and my mouth is dry! So, I guess I'm coming down with some bloody illness and I guess my body is fighting the infection by the help of the lymph nodes or some such. Interestingly, at Yoga the other day, we were doing work on the lymph nodes and aiding their health by certain postures, that indeed, work and massage the lymph nodes, so whether this is related to me falling ill, who knows! Maybe the whole load of stuff has just weighted down on me!

Earlier, I booked to go and see an up and coming band in Birmingham on Wednesday evening, before in fact, my glands swelled up! The band thus far, sound good and I like their influences - check out Broken Records on Myspace, a Scots outfit with excellent influences! Exciting stuff for sure!
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=60831952
I hope I can bloody get to see this gig, I thought it would be a good thing to do, after my training course on Wednesday. I am so looking forward to do my module 1 of Introduction to union repping, that I pray I am not going to be so ill that I can't attend the course - I'll be well pissed off if so, cos I'm looking forward to get involved in something on a different, meaningful and political level. AND I'm looking forward to be a free spirit in Birmingham for the night!

Pray and send me speedy, healing love and thoughts cyber buddies!

The Truth

2009-03-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

I did something the other day that I was never sure I would. I had to find out the truth about something that has been on my mind for a long time. I believed the story about an issue from a person I'd been invloved with but as time went on, I kept on wondering whether I was being fed a lie.. So, to find out the truth, I rang someone and was shocked when they told me the opposite of what I had been told! I challenged this and then realised how simple it is for simple to lie about really important things..apparently part of the lying was supposedly, to protect me. But I really wonder about this.

Anyway, things are not good now because of this but I would rather know the truth than be fed a pack of lies and live a lie. I have to focus on the future now.. I'm sad about all of the grizzly detail and deceit but people have their reasons I guess but I'm all for honesty really..

I've restarted Yoga and I do think it is helping me refocus pn what I need, build my emotional strength and move me forward to where I should be heading. I hope so, I truly do.

Deep and true

2009-03-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

I heard this phrase tonight on one of my favourite TV programmes and it's so true...

'I believe in love and when love is strong, hope will endure'

I like this quote very much..

Determination, Strength and Aching Arms

2009-03-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am determined more than ever to stick to a decision I have made. I don't need to go into detail but I have to promise myself not to backtrack. The key is to keep busy, fake it to make it, keep up with new interests, remind myself who and what I am about and remember this and vow myself never to find myself in the positions I have done recently, ever again. Maybe the lesson has been about learning strength and decision making, growing and learning once again to practice self respect and indeed, establish boundaries about what I will or won't accept. I feel strong and I hope to remain so. Yoga last week has definitely helped me. I aim to attend every week to fully ground myself and keep in this vibe, live a vibe and life that is from now on, true to me, my life and my needs as a woman.

My arm, left arm, once again is playing up. I assume this is due to carrying heavy bags again for work.. this weekend has been a real agoniser with it and I guess a return to the Drs will be the necessary case but I don't want to be fobbed off with painkillers! I want action that will alleviate the pain holistically..I hope Yoga will help my arm and rebuild my physical strength..I'm not getting any younger but my determination certainly is youthful!

Power to the People

2009-03-22T01:43:00.000-07:00

G20 'Put People First' march

Join the march to 'Put People First' - London 28 March

This Saturday sees the unions and activits calling on people to march through London as part of a global campaign to challenge the G20, ahead of their 2 April summit on the global financial crisis. Even before the banking collapse, the world suffered poverty, inequality and the threat of climate chaos. The world has followed a financial model that has created an economy fuelled by ever-increasing debt, both financial and environmental. Our future depends on creating an economy based on fair distribution of wealth, decent jobs for all and a low carbon future. There can be no going back to business as usual.

People from all over the country will join the march on March 28.

'Put People First' is a broad alliance of unions, development and environmental organisations and faith groups calling for the G20 to create an economy based on fair distribution of wealth, decent jobs for all and a low carbon world.

Back to my Roots

2009-03-21T03:08:00.000-07:00

For ages, I've wanted to get more involved with unionism. I am a member of UCU which is a college and lecturer's union and at one time before merging, was the AUT and Natfhe. Anyway, I've decided to attend the training in April, to become more active as a Rep, this means completing a module about Induction and repping which means I get to spend 2 days over in Birmingham, accommodation provided, which actually, as much as I hate the clinical feel of hotels , I'm sort of loooking forward to staying in one on my own! I'm blessed that my son's Dad will look after his son in order that I can attend this and it has to be said, I'm looking forward to being around politcially minded people again!

Tonight I'm invited over to a friend's for a party - should be good and if the mood takes me, I may head out to the city for dancing but the key is to just play it by ear.

Moving and Stilling

2009-03-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

My world? Well I saw some good friends on Friday of last week, we went to eat and catch up with our worlds. It was good to see them but I had an urge to stay out later and thus, ended up in a bar alone, watching a live band. I got talking to a dear woman who was telling me about her marriage and her love for her husband - was very sweet! I got rather drunk though, wrote a few poems, cried about my Mum - all the sort of things we feel when alcohol is part of the equation.

The weekend consisted of me finding the energy and lust to decorate my bedroom. I found a gorgeous colour - quite by accident and totally unplanned, Dusky Damson! And what a gorgeous and sumptuous colour it is! My room looks heavenly but just needs touching up here and there and finishing off in an alcove. I also want to find either a Moroccan style light shade or a chadelier!

Today, I've been blessed with finding, at last, a Thursday day time yoga class! Hurrah! I've been searching endlessly for a class and have struggled..I loved my Thursday eve class in my hometown but I can't go anymore due to childcare issues. The day class is just what I'm looking for! I have experience - 3 years and know many of the postures and God do I feel the need the need to align my body at the moment..carrying heavy things for work really DOES take its toll on my back and Yoga is fantastic for the back and spine. I really am looking forward to the class this Thursday.. ready for some meditation, grounding and stilling..Ommmmmmm!

And this weekend, who knows.. might do a night out Saturday but not 100% sure yet but could do with a little bit of therapeutic dancing to refresh me!

Holidays, Escapism and Darwin

2009-03-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

I've finally made my mind up about this year's holiday. I'm credded up to the meax but I NEED a holiday and so too, does my son deserve one! I've decided on a 10 day holiday to Denmark..I'm planning to stay at a good friends in Copenhagen for a couple of nights to catch up and indeed, be in the city area. I then plan to head down to the south coast area and stay in a log cabin. This should be great for my son, there'll be lots of kids and families but also it's close to a beautfiul beach that looks out to Sweden. Also, we are close to where my eldest son is staying and this will allow me to spend some time with him.. Hopefully, we'll be able to hire bikes for the holiday and get plenty of cycling done.Surprisingly, the holiday is as cheap as it would be to stay in Jersey! I checked out loads of places, thought about Greece but realised that I need to be careful how much I do pay out but also want to see my eldest son and thus decided Denmark is a good option!

I've also planned a few days in the Peak District over Easter with a dear friend. I'm looking forward to it as we're gonna do a lot of walking, pubbing and having fun! Should be good!

Charles Darwin? I've been enjoying the programmes about him and his garden and how his theories have been abused for political means, espec when you consider the Nazi party and genocide. The programmes have been engaging and informative and I look forward to the next one! Get watching this guys if you're into theory and politics!

So, could do with a little help from my Cyber Friends....

2009-03-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

So, how do you deal with disbelief? By this I mean, when things finally settle in your mind about an issue and you have to deal with the reality of it? It takes things a while to work their way with me and then it finally sinks in on some level..

As you know, things ain't been too easy on the opposite sex front for me for a while. I have looked at myself and what part I play in all of this. The last relationship that I am now deciding to walk from, was one that I kept at a distance for quite some time, for fear of being hurt, then slowly and surely, I decided that letting trust build was what I should do but then have had that trust pushed into my face..
Long story and I'll spare the details but I simply can't get over the feeling of disbelief, feeling let down, hurt, sad, angry..hence me making the wise decision to walk because how can I lie to myself about potentially something that I don't agree with and that I will have to endure, if I decided to stay in a 'relationship' with said person..

I would appreciate if anyone could tell me about strategies that they have used in their past etc to help with this sort of thing. I am trying my best to distract, to ground, to find peace and calm, to recover and heal but the feelings simply overwhelm at times to the point where my stomach feels sick and I just want to blert!!

Wonderful Buddhist Meditation and Chant

2009-03-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

So, here we are Sunday and I'm feeling tired..have had bouts of sadness over the past week because of what has occurred more recently with someone I have spent most weekends with and with whom I am very much enamoured with thus, I have and am missing him but I have to be true to myself, my needs as a woman and live under no false illlusions, lies and negativity..This therefore has meant that I have had to take a certain path..

I had a good time last night, around sweet friends. My original plan went to pot cos a mate let me down at the last minute, which I was disappointed about but luckily, I managed to hear from another mate who was out and about and so, joined up with them for a pub crawl and then dancing.

I met the wonderful actress who plays Shaun's girlfriend in 'This is England'. She was at the club night and I approached her in the toilets, remarking on how good the film was and indeed, that I thought she played the part of his girlfriend really well. She was a sweetheart and very friendly!

Today I came across this meditation. It's a Buddhist meditation and chant and is truly lovely and sort of takes the mind away somewhat..so for me, I think the Buddhist centre is calling me this week for the Friday meditation.. Anyway, see what you think and I hope you enjoy this link..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1evxMA7yYw&feature=related

New Mindset and Surveillance

2009-03-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

Mindsets? Interesting how we get caught in patterns of mindset and if we refuse to change them then we stay with what we are used to rather than challenging ourselves or situations we find ourselves in.

For me, this means moving forward and onwards, making a mental wish list and if this isn't granted then move aside. Sounds fair enough to me and in a way, a good way to move forward in life from now on.

Marrakech? Seriously thinking of booking a flight - almost did it last night but got sidetracked and then I was too tired to be bothered. If I do go, it means being a lone traveller I think. A mate has exporessed an interest to come with me but nothing is set in stone and in some ways, I'm pretty happy to go it alone to be perfectly honest and plus, it's a good way to meet fellow travellers along the way which is always a good thing in my opinion...I've always DREAMED about seeing marrakech so yes, I need to make that dream a reality really don't I?

Hoping to see some good friends tonight and catch up cos it's been a long time and I'm eager to share time with them and catch up.

The police are sureveilling protestors, I guess I'm in their databank beings as though I've been attending randon protests since the early 90s. Great stuff and just reinforces the simple fact that NO we DO NOT live ina democracy. we may think we do and we may be made to believe that we do but seriously, we really do not.

Friday Reflections

2009-02-27T05:19:00.000-08:00

After being around some very good friends last night, I am feeling determined and thinking about many things I would like to do this weekend...I hope to go and see an art exhibition, swim and cycle, cinema visit, maybe a walk in the countryside and maybe a night out either tonight or tomorrow, depending who's out or what is on. I am considering theatre but all of this depends on getting to the place on time..

I've been thinking about this proverb from the bible - I'm not a Christian and I don't read the bible anymore but it's struck a chord somewhat and I sort of like what it implies..

"Bread of deceit is sweet to a man; but afterwards his mouth shall be filled with gravel."

A Notebook Would be Good!

2009-02-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

Time to get a notebook...again. Time to write. Time to ground, again. Time to get back into the ways of being and feeling who I am. Again. Of late, my creative writing has been dry. PERIOD. I had a poem in my head Saturday when rather drunk, I forgot the content sadly. It would've been a good poem I feel but hell, I forgot it!
I have had no real lust to write or even really had the creative inspiration to do such a thing. My creative energy must've been zapped on some level by the darker forces. Talking of dark forces, I had the most awful nightmare last week you wouldn't believe! Symbolic? I like to think so.. Dream scenario.

'I am in Agistri, the Greek island that I visited last summer. I am with a friend, Liza and her new baby Esme. We are in a room with two grey doors. The doors have been left unlocked and slightly ajar. Liza has ran to sleep in a tent that is erected in the room. A man runs in telling us the forces are coming through the grey door and we MUST lock them. Liza, apparently was bad because she failed to close and lock the doors. Smoke like substances were pouring in through the slightly opened doors. A negative force that felt bad and demonic. I am then being clawed on the top of my head by animal like claws, that I would imagine, are the claws of a Grizzly bear, Polar Bear or some such creature that has long claws...It felt demonic..and harmful...really negative, really harmful' I wake up.

END OF DREAM.

I am scared to leave my bed, open my eyes, move. I lie in my bed, under my quilt and hide until daylight appears. Nightmares are not normally part of my world so I must be feeling some distress.

Through talking with a good friend I have decided on Hypnotherapy. Long story but she's an accomplished and respected therapist. I feel this will be a good therapy for me to try and indeed, utilise and indeed, this is a proved and tried healer.
I aim to cleanse my living space. By this I mean, ritually cleanse it? Sound mad? No, this is something that I do when I feel the energy has become corrupted. Salt, sage and incense are cleansing agents and thus, I plan to do this at the weekend...

The time is ready for a shift and move.

A small unfinished piece of writing..that will be expanded? I hope so...

How far removed have we become?
From the original feeling of genuine love..
From the humane value of sincerity?
Not the search for endless prosperity..

The notebook? I aim to at least jot down my thoughts as and when they arise...

Fireworks..

2009-02-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

Forest lost 3-1. My poor son, he was gutted and so was I but still, at least they scored a good goal!

At the moment I don't have an enormous lust to write so I guess I'm going through a dry patch. I went out Saturday, got a tad drunk and a poem surfaced whilst I walked towards a reggae night venue..sadly, I had no pen and thus, couldn't write down my words. Frustrated? You bet! And thus by the morning, I had forgotten the content of the poem..anyway, I enjoyed the reggae night albeit a few hics along the way and this poem sort of sums it up on some level..

Sparks and fireworks?
Exploding in the early morn air-
Funny what love does..
Literally.
Dangerously.
Passsionately,
Sets both the sweet and sour at play -
Against each element..
and yet slowly..
Atrracting again
A magnet..
Retract/Attract.
Bind/Entwined,
In the comfort of love
And what it does..
Whirlwindedly so..

The Significance of Dreams and the ethereal

2009-02-16T15:47:00.000-08:00

Today, something odd dawned on me. Coincidence, that I dreamt about being in Turkey with my Mum to a few days later finding out the below stuff re. the person I've been intimate with.. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bonkers yet but I have had some pretty weird, almost like warning dreams trying to sort of direct me into a certain knowledge or indeed, giving me prior knowledge about something in readiness for when shit hits fan so to speak!!

I spoke to my sis about this and she reckons I have a pretty intuitive mind and is indeed jealous that she has no such experiences! Funny really!!

Anyway, enough about that but I reckon my Mum, if she walks on whatever plain of life is def trying to show me another way or lead me to better places! Interesting.

My son had a great birthday and now we await his Forest V Derby experience - bloody skint but looking forward to the match with his buddies and will be a memorable day I'm sure- just hope Forest win..He's enjoying the time off school and it's nice for us to just chill and take things easy!

Healing? It takes time to heal doesn't it?? Having headspace and a clear mind about what is right and wrong, acceptable and unnaceptable behaviour from others, is good for me to keep in focus. My mates have been gems over the past few days and I'm blessed to have such good friends, I really am..they show me the proper sort of love that true friends show and I guess we'll be friends forever more, which is a comforting and warm thought and one that I feel proud and good about..you can have so many associate friends who really, you don't really know the nuts and bolts about them and never do but true friends are hard to come by and I'm so glad that the true friends in my life, have and always seem to remain true and with me.

Input about films

2009-02-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

I have this week off work for the half term and Tuesday, I have a whole free day to do something alone so I was thinking of maybe heading to see a film at the Broadway Cinema in Nottingham. I'm wondering whether to go and see Revolutionary Road but there's a few other films that look interesting so I'm sort of torn..

There's also a Spanish food event happening on the same night in the cafe bar area which sounds good and interesting. I might see if my friend wants to come along with me but not sure whether he can get a bus back to his neck of the woods later on..but I think he'd enjoy a cinema trip for sure and he's def into similar films to me.

So the options are -

Revolutionary Road
Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Doubt
Vicky Christina Barcelona

Hmm which one I ask you??

I had an interesting and good time last night, considering all things that have recently unsettled me greatly but the key is to rise above. I've spent far too long being understanding and tolerant that it's time to think more about my needs now and that is indeed, what I'm going to do!!

My friend, who I've known for quite a while, is recently himself out of a relationship, was good company, light easy and chilled out and good to have a friend whereby there's a platonic emphasis and understanding..we had a deep chat about his life when he was a kid and how he was beat by his alcoholic father from the age of 10 - 17 years old. He thought this was normal and was shocked when other fathers didn't do this..really sad when you think about it on that level..the amazing thing is, he's sorted in many ways emotionally.
Beats me really that he's come out of that sort of abuse unscathed, albeit with counselling and a good and supportive Dr and indeed, must possess a strong and aware mind to be as such. I queried whether he'd followed similar patterns with his own kids but he never had and believed that if he did cross that line, then there'd be no return for him..Interestingly, my son's Dad had a tough time when growing up due to his Mother being a chronic alcoholic..he took on the role of a father figure at the age of 9 and yet, he was mainly a very caring and tactile human being in many ways and I think it's a shame he never entered counselling to help him address issues of intimacy but some people just aren't ready or indeed, want to go too deep about their past which I fully understand in many ways.

Well off to bed for a long sleep and give me some help re. those films!

What saves me??

2009-02-15T05:52:00.000-08:00

Yes people, what does save me from emotional crap? Sweetest of supportive and understanding friends, family, going out and dancing, socialising, laughing and remembering that there's a BIG WIDE WORLD out there for me to explore.
I don't need indecisive men in my life, I don't need menboys who are greedy and can't be content with ONE person's love, who can't accept that some of us yes, do have baggage from the past but most people these days come with some baggage and to me, baggage never puts me off or deters me...it's all baout the core essence of who and what the person is about and those who defy that, inreality aren't that attractive or thoughtful in many ways!

I had a wonderful time last night, laughed, danced, talked and enjoyed the friendly atmosphere! I got talking to a very sweet older guy from Sheffield, he was a sweetie and I'm damned that I didn't take the bull by the horns and ask for his number. I've decided that life's to short.

The lesson I've learned in the last 3 years? Life's too short to wait around for indecisive men who still yearn for what they 'had' or 'still have' with ex's! Not my idea of fun and truthfully, very greedy. OK, none of us are saints but greed isn't an attractive trait really is it??

Here's to an exciting future of who knows what??

Not Happy Romantic Valentine's??Fuck that shit, it's Crappy Valentines.

2009-02-13T15:00:00.001-08:00

Yes, crappy valentines it is, sad to hear this..out of this once romantic mouth of mine. No more. Romance dead and buried. People taking too many liberties to the point that I eject them out of my life. I did this today. I told the man who I was slowly and surely very much falling for, that I am now walking. To walk- means movement away.Away from toxic situations, childlike people who play serious headgames and who have no cosideratin/empathy for another's feelings..

Scenario.
Guy I've been intimate with for over 1, yes, 1 year, I found out has booked a holiday away with his ex partner, who I now found out, is not his ex partner but he's back with her and has been since Xmas. Wanker. No wonder some weekends went passed without him responding to my calls and texts. Laughable bullshit!

I don't like spitting and frothing and I feel like contacting said woman and enlightening her to the situation cos you can bet ya bottom dollar that she knows sweet FA about me. Sistahood is about proetecting my sistas from these sort of men boys. Yeah, I'm angry, upset, distraught, fucked off, sad, emotional, blah blah fuckin fuckin blah!! Sick of these ridiculous opposite sex behaviours! I WILL rise above this crap! I AM WORTH more than this shite. I really am..

Happy Valentines to all of you in love people!

A visit from my Mum

2009-02-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

So I had a visit from my Mum last night! Not an 'actual' visit, but a dreamtime visit..was good to see her in my dream even though the dream was rather distressing at one point; I was saving her from a pool of water, in a holiday resort in Turkey! Maybe she'd come to reassure me and send her love cos I'm not feeling too great at the mo! Madness how these things happen really when we're feeling low or fed up!
We did holiday in Turkey together way back in 1990 and strange that we ended up back there in my dreamtime! Dreams eh? Aren't they great?? It's also great to dream about one who isn't walking this plane of life anymore and actually see, touch and feel them in your dreamtime..

Diane di Prima, also talks about a dream she had whereby her mother visits her after she'd died..interesting stuff!

Today, I feel tried and in need of an early night..not up to feeling sociable really but had a sweet gesture happen today. A guy who's involved with the Highness reggae nights bumped into me, whilst I was on my bike and queried why I hadn't been to the Highness nights for the past few months because he'd got a few cds to give me..How sweet is that?? Hardly know the guy but made me feel thought about and indeed, reminded me about human gestures of kindness and how they can brighten the day! I hope to attend the next Highness for sure and if the cds are given to me, then I'll return the kindness with a beer for said person! Ands no, the guy ain't a letch just a seemingly genuine person, as should be the case on this sort of scene anyways!

Narcissists? Been doing a small training session about this today...have read up about it before but not learnt that much, just peaked in and out of jargon etc.. Interesting stuff espec when you consider the lengths they go to with things..interesting stuff and enlightening!

I guess people often wonder why I act with endless kindness and try not to cause too many waves when I'm upset??You know why I don't? Well at the end of the day by being kind I feel this is right, it feels good and right to me to be as such..not to be so, feels alien to me..Causing waves with others isn't healthy either..I like to know where I stand but I do HATE dishonesty but essentially those who are dishonest, are mentally violating themselves in many ways, in my opinion. Rather practice kindness and understanding than hate and vengence..And I know for a fact that those who do really care about you, no matter how bad they've been in the past, show regret and remorse and try to make things better in their own ways..I'm still considered an 'angel' by someone...long story but I was recently called this..not just an angel but a ________ angel! The prior word I have no memory about what the word was, but i remember angel being at the end of the sentence!!!

Oh the DREAD of the ensuing Valentine's Day

2009-02-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

14th February, as we know in the UK, is Valentine's Day! It's also my son's birthday but this year, he's spending his birthday with his Dad and we're gonna have another birthday celebration the following week with his mates and some footie fun.

This year, after a conversation today, I feel like following Greta Garbo's footsteps and becoming a recluse for the day! I'm sure she became a recluse didn't she? Or am I mistaken??

I haven't sent a Valentine's card for a good few years - think it was 2006 or 2007 when I last sent one..it was a sweet card, not your normal Hallmark affair but a beautiful jade colour with lovely red? Or were they pink??? leaf type love hearts on spindly branches, if I remember rightly..it also had tinges of gold and in fact, I wanted to keep it myself it was so beautiful! And indeed, it was the first card I sent in many years cos my son's dad when we were together, never believed in the tripeness of it! I thought it was sort of romantic to celebrate Valentine's Day but hey ho, that's where people differ I guess! I think from now on the Valentine Day word should be called 'V Day'!

I recently received and started to read a great book by Diane Di prima - 'Recollections of my life as a Woman', a beat poet from the 50s onwards..the book has so much small print but the content is wonderful and brill observations are made about her life as a woman in the world and indeed, the obstacles she faced!..Anyway, off to read some more and bury the thought of V day!

http://dianediprima.com/

Best of Both Worlds?

2009-02-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

What is it with people who want the best of both worlds? Who are torn between two people? The worst is, when you're the one on the receiving end of it!
Now don't get me wrong, I know we're all NOT perfect but for God's sake, it's not a nice feeling to be in the middle of a situation like this..
So what to do? I guess letting the other party know about my existence and enlightening them, could be an option? I'm not into revenge really but I feel the other party should have certain knowledge to ascertain a situation and know the truth..

Turn away from it could be another option?

I'm confused guys and could be good to hear your views!

Fuck me, I'm feeling like I'm coming down off class A's and that's wothout being an addict!!!

2009-01-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

Wow, what power in the teenrage angst? What power and energy goes into our beloved children without them ever realising!
A and I found a piece of human like material the other day - I admitted that this was my eldest son's last of, umbilical cord...he sorta cringed but deep down I think he wished his mum would've saved this primal piece of connection to the mother! 17 years of living in a drawer, but still remembered by me, the enemy, of my teen son..continue I will..................

The Beauty of Radio and Riding Through the Storms

2009-01-27T14:52:00.000-08:00

My radio station of preference tends to be Radio 4 mainly so that I can listen in and hear what's happening and indeed, listen to some of the great programmes that this station broadcasts. Yesterday's worthy listening was King's Cross Voices, whilst on my way home from work, absolutely great that I can tune in whilst sitting on the bus and hear the radio. The King's Cross Voices is a project about the King's Cross area over the years and recalling people's oral histories throughout time. My fave parts of this programme centred around the Squatter movements, housing and political collectives and the street people's lives, including sex workers and addicts. What a truly wonderful programme hearing such a diverse range of people's stories and experiences, kept me interested for the whole show and anyone who's interested in the project, google King's Cross Voices for more info!

Had a stormy weekend but the clouds have settled to a calmer place and yes, I'm starting to feel a little more at peace.. I had a visit from A last night and this was sweet to ground with him after the stormy clouds over the past few weeks that have occured due to a few reasons. We sat and watched a film together and managed to finally drag ourselves to bed for around 3am! Lovely to be with him and wake up together but sadly, work beckoned for me which I wasn't none to pleased about but hey ho, money HAS to be put on the table from somewhere but trust me, I could've easily spent the day in bed being lazy and hedonistic!

I'm enjoying work although yet again, I've been moved to 2 new hostels - 1 all male and 1 all female - good contrast and a good mix of students.

So, life feels and I hope will remain, in a calm and peaceful place..I hope so because I like peace and calm and although I am an extreme of fury and passion and middle ground is sort of reassuring at times!

I've also started to sort a small room out at home and I think I'm going to convert it into a book come meditation space - the room has a good, pretty spiritual and calm atmosphere in my opinion, I don't know why but it just does and is a good, quiet space for solitude..just need to properly fix it up!

So guys, check out Kings Cross Voices cos I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised!!

Farewells to my son

2009-01-22T13:38:00.000-08:00

A few days and off goes my son to live in Denmark...I will of course miss him but I am looking forward to the peace and tranquility, no more arguing, no more vying for him asserting his 'male' power over me, as this does seem to have become an issue more recently. I really think being with his Dad and experiencing some male bonding will be good for him and will maybe make him think a little more. Do I sound hard? Do I sound like a bad Mum? In all honesty, I just feel like I need respite and time has now come for him to be out in the big world and become a man. He is indeed nearly 18 and has spent the last 6 months lounging around which has led to both opf us getting on each other's nerves.
I'm looking forward to spending a different sort of time with my younger son, he's been fed up of late with all of the arguements and thus, the house will feel much more peaceful for him..During the weekends too, I will get time of peace and solitude, which right now I feel in need of..

Of late, I have been thinking about how people abuse trust..I guess the hope is that people who do this have a conscience on some level and indeed, work through this..who knows? All I know is that I am very, very tired now, both in my head and in my heart..

Anyway, less of the emotional and here's to my son's farewell and last few days with me! Of course he'll be back often to visit but this time feels a little bit like a rite of passage for him..In Danish we say
'Held og Lykke, god rejse og god fornoelse' - Good luck, have a good journey and lots of fun'

The Inauguration of Obama

2009-01-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

So I listened to the Obama speech today and you know what? It touched me. I liked what he had to say, his vision, what he would like to accomplish and how he sees the future. I hope he can bring about these changes and in a way, I feel there may be a new hope amongst the people; for better things, better relations with Arabic nations, better policies around environmentalism, a more collective and true future. I may be an Idealist but Obama's win has given me a new interest in US politics and anticpitating how things will turn out over the next few years..I await.
Here's to Obama's first day as the new President of the US of A!! Long may he reign and long may he give the people and the world a better vision and future..I pray that he will..

Pleasure and hope

2009-01-12T13:45:00.001-08:00

Interesting week for me and nice weekend. I went out with a friend for her birthday and caught up with an old friend which was really sweet, funny and warm. We listened to some fab old punk rock in The Old Angel, a good pub in Nottingham for those who like the more punky side of things..always loved the pub when I was in my 20s and still love the pub today! I hope it doesn't become a victim of the times though!

I was invited for dinner Saturday night which too, was very special and sweet. Had a 3 course meal made for me including melon, gorgeous hot chilli with rice and a yummy cream, banana and toffee dessert! Absolutely delicious! I have to say that the night felt very warm, special and sweet and was truly appreciated! I love these sort of nights - just being warm and chilled, really good!

Not long now for my eldest son and his travels to Denmark. I was so glad to see him get out his guitar again today and it looks like he may be taking it with him to Denmark! I hope so and I hope he rekindles his passion for playing again, for he's a natural in my opinion! Would be great for him to get on the music scene in Copenhagen and really start to enjoy culture Danish style! Looks like I'll be out on a Danish hol again this year to ensure I get to see him whilst he's out there... as much as I will miss him, I look forward to spending some nurturing time with my younger son..redecorating and good time to maybe get to know each other on a different sort of level without sibling rivalry!

More to come during this week but will return to write it down..

This week's Thoughts

2009-01-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

Being laid up with no energy to do anything apart from the mundane, has been sort of good..it's given me lots of thinking time, lstening to R4 time, reading parts of my herbal book, contemplating getting into gardening more this year, thinking about decorating parts of my home and booking a flight for my son to Copenhagen. I'm not one for sitting around too much either but this illness has been good for the above reasons and what a funny old way to start the New Year!

I listened to a wonderful programme today about Charles Darwin and his life. I was never a fan of Natural selection etc but finding out about his life, experiments and theories has been pretty much interesting; he was a family man who worked hard and worked his brain well..interesting that he believed in plants, animals and humans all being connected - I would agree with him on this and indeed, think this as a positive. He was also a humanitarian on many levels and I never realised that Marx related to some of his theories. Interesting stuff. When he died, he wanted to be buried in his local parish grave yard but he was snatched and buried in London! Hard to believe really and must've been madness for his family but the political climate of the time wanted him up there with the almightys!

My son is now officially leaving to live in Denmark at the end of January. I'm mixed about this and of course I'm glad for him because it's a new way of life, a change, a rite of passage on some level, chance to spend good bonding time with his Dad, chance to learn a new language amongst many other things. I guess at the moment we have a very volatile mother -son relationship so his absence will give me respite and I hope he matures well whilst out there. Like any parent, I worry about this change for him, I hope he manages OK, I hope he meets new friends, I hope he settles..although I have told him his home is always here if it doesn't work out and even if he goes away for a year only, then that's a good thing and indeed, has given him access to his Danish roots on a larger level than when he holidays over there..I hope he takes the bull by the horns so to speak and gets on out there meeting new people, having a ball, maybe meeting a Danish girlfriend, being happy..In England, it seems he's lost motivation and is bored..I want him to feel inspired again and indeed I think being around his Dad and the Danish culture will give him a different perspective and motivation.. Time will tell but watch this space!

The Gaza situation is extremely distressing. I was contemplating attending the demo in London this Saturday but with flu, this ain't a good idea. I don't like watching the news footage as it just seems to get more and more depressing but the whole situation seems so unfair on all of the innocents. I can't believe this place is still wrought with problems and I'm a believer in Palestinians having the free state they so deserve..without the interference of Israel.And after studying parts of the Arab- Israeli conflict years ago, it seems to me the only real and viable peaceful option. I foresee that this situation could escalate in the area with other countries getting involved..where will it all end? Sad thoughts indeed..

On a brighter note, I received a text from a friend of a friend asking if I'd like to go out for dinner - all expenses paid!..sweet and kind offer and not sure whether I should go or not but I'm considering and reflecting about a lot just recently which I haven't written about here and it's not the stuff of goodness, has messed with feelings of trust and trust is a biggy for me...not good!! Hmm..

New Year Flu? Nice..

2009-01-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

Here we are, the first week of 2009 and guess what? I have a 'flu like illness'. Probably serves me right for getting so battered NYE when I was already ill but hey, I like to see the New Year in, having fun and being with people I like being around!
New Year was good though, it has to be said; good party, nice people, good vibe etc etc.
Anyway, I'm signed off work for a week which I ain't happy about as I have had a fair bit of time off but it can't be helped. I'm also thinking of visiting an Osteopath as my arm is giving me jip and I feel that this may well help with body realignment.
So, this week it looks like a quiet one and a getting better one. I've stocked up on the vit c and pills to help with this pain and I truly hope I get well for the weekend. My friend is celebrating her birthday and I have an invite to go for a walk towards the end of the week which would be cool to blow out the Xmas cobwebs and ground the soul. These things come to us for a reason though and yes, the cosmos is telling me to slow down and rest, rest, rest!

Been reading an interesting article about Kindness and how it's out of fashion..interesting stuff and indeed when you consider the individualistic times we're living in, comes as no surprise. One thing's for sure, I live my life around people who reflect myself and those who don't, I'm afraid the thought of not hanging around has now entered my vocab - harsh for me to think as such but wisdom that has come about over time..I do have some of the greatest most sweet friends and they show me much love, care, thought, generosity and all of those things that are made of goodness..
I'm blessed to have such good people in my life and long may they continue to remain a part of my life!

Happy New Year to all and may you have a wonderful 2009..

Hibernation? NOT!!

2008-12-29T23:53:00.000-08:00

Just when you think that the New Year is nearly here and after the celebrations, that will be it? You'll knuckle down, close the shutters and hibernate for at least a month to recouperate, other forces come to play!! Invites here and there! A friend is celebrating her birthday this weekend in the city and then going clubbing after! Another friend has invited me to go on a walking mission and a pub lunch high up in Hope Valley which I know will be cold but heavenly..my choice being the possibility to walk around Grindleford Forest and up onto the moors..this choice seems to be welcomed!

I feel like I need to hibernate already today as I think I've come down with a cold virus which is a bummer as I was hoping to visit my sweet friend again tomorrow in Hyson Green and spend the day chatting and drinking mulled wine..this won't be happening unless I get a wave of energy..the only appealing thing for me right now is brandy coffeee, lots of water and vit c but although this will happen I know the energy will be found somewhere, at least I think it will!

I watched Wuthering heights tonight and I do love that story - so true about 'true love' and the dialogue that goes on between Cathy and Heathcliffe; souls of one, dead without the other..
I must reread this classic book again, I really must!

Hibernation delayed for another week methinks...

Memorable Thoughts and feelings of 2008

2008-12-29T14:45:00.000-08:00

2008 started off wonderfully, around good people and in a very happy and positive way. I'd say for me, 2008 has been a sort of moving on concluding year..a sort of emotional understanding year. A year that has enabled me to put things in context and indeed, realise what I will not accept from people.. a growing and a understanding that maybe, I used escapism as a way of coping with the many difficulties I had faced since the death of my Mum.

In 2008, 2 of my good friends became pregnant, one has had a dear baby boy and the other friend is awaiting the birth of her baby girl, who is due in the next few days! I can't wait and I'm really excited about the baby arriving for her!

I enjoyed two brilliant and happy times at a local festival. Much laughter and happiness was unearthed.

My eldest son seems to be at a point of realisation that he would like to live in Denmark for a period of time - good on him I say!

I attended my first footie match in years with my youngest son, he and I both loved it and it was great to bond with him on this level.

I have sweet memories of friends coming to visit me throughout the summer months, sitting in my garden making fires and getting cosy whilst dusk changed to darkness..happy times, sweet times.

I haven't cried as much as I did in 2007. The things that have made me cry have mostly been down to emotional issues with others..I guess this has taught me a lot about what I want to accept in my life and indeed, that I want to retain my true sense of sincerity, loyalty and old fashioned ways..I don't want modern, casual relationships any more. I would rather be alone than a random 'buddy' to another person..I like old fashioned ways when it comes to love and attachment and I see nothing wrong in this..However, I'm also starting to think there's great value in alone time and that happiness has to be with yourself..

My son's Dad has stuck to his word and been a good father to our son in that he has kept to the childcare arrangement and not let his son down..I'm proud of him for this and I'm even more glad for my son to have his father as a constant in his life.

I have met some new sweet people who talk openly and are very kind people..as the saying goes, 'like attracts like and goodness brings goodness' I firmly believe this.

I finally got to travel to Greece again which for me, was fabulous to walk on Greek soil again, bathe in the Aegean, admire the Greek scenery, way of life and culture and meet dear people whilst I holidayed..a wonderful experience for sure.

I realised that home, kids and me are more important than slogging my guts off in a job to be completely tired out and devoid of energy for my kids and self. I cut my working week for this purpose and I know this has completely been the right decision for me and the welfare and well being of my kids and myself.

I stand true to the belief that people who treat you in a bad way, should be treated only with kindness, for then they see the error of their ways and maybe, try and change things. Of course wisdom means that at times, some friendships may have to be lost along the way, but the hope is that those true friends that we have, will remain and stay true, practice honesty, sincerity and loyalty.

Many more to add to this list when I feel more awake and have had more time to think...

Drama Queen Sara's Xmas Day Speech..

2008-12-25T04:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Xmas to all of you on this rather mild, grey 2008 Christmas Day. I hope you all get what you wish for and that your Xmas is filled with love, joy, peace, booze, laughter, food, fun.
Most of all, I wish that the world would be in peace, people would not be in poverty and there would be an end to the wealth divide, fairness and justice would reign, love would overcome hate and goodness and generosity is in favour of greed and anger..

I've so far, had a very sweet Xmas. I had a nice time with family at a pub last night although a little too hectic for my liking. I tend to be one of those who just enjoys solitude, candles, quietand peace on Xmas Eve. After the pub, my son and I chilled out, sorted the carrot and mince pie out for Santa.. Later on, I had a nice chat on the phone for a good few hours and an invite to dinner, which sort of made Xmas feel warmer and special..I was trying to wrap presents whilst talking on the phone which was sort of funny really and hence, they weren't wrapped as well as they should've been!
I was woken at 5am by mon son whilst he opened his presents. He was fed up that Santa (me) had forgotten to leave a handwritten card, so I had to get my secrecy act togther and write a card out el quicko and make out Santa had dropped it behind the tree! He was a happy soul after this realisation. Today, I spend time with my kids and we won't eat until much later today around 5/6ish.

I truly hope that 2009 will be a progression and happy year..I look forward to what it brings and all of the lovely times that I will share with those whom I hold dear.

May peace, love and happiness be with you today!

Busy and focussed

2008-12-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

Today has been a busy one and focussed one. Went to visit a sweet friend in Hyson Green - an area of Nottingham that has many different ethnic shops, which I love! Spent a lovely time there and rushed back home to get ready for meeting a friend tonight for a Xmas drink. Should be a sort of interesting night cos not sure yet where we're heading but looking forward to see them all of the same.

Been focussing on other things as well and coming to some sort of understanding and conclusion. Anyway, enough of that, wish me a good time for tonight and here we are, nearly Xmas Eve and time to kick back a little and get rid of the heaviness and bring in the lightness!! Only the way forward for sure...

Mulling over and Xmas..

2008-12-22T14:40:00.000-08:00

Christmas nearly here and yet I don't feel very Christmassy really. Of course I'm being Christmassy for the sake of my kids but I just don't seem to be feeling it at the mo! I put the decorations up yesterday and that has made me feel a little more xmassy but I want colder weather goddammit!!!
I guess the mood has slumped a little after the weekend and some information I was told ..I haven't had proper time to weigh it all up as I've had company since Friday until Sunday but now I'm alone apart from my kids of course, thoughts and feelings are coming through in waves. Hmm lots of reflection methinks.

I have an invite to go out tomorrow night which I will most likely go. Not sure where we'll end up going but will be sweet to get out for an Xmas drink before the food fest starts on Xmas Eve! This will be the first time that I spend Xmas day alone with my kids - will be sort of strange but I do have to get used to this as not every year does my family eat together on Xmas Day. Boxing day I'm off up to my brothers which will be good fun and great for the kids.
New Years Eve is still unplanned but the options are starting to come in - a club night? A party in North Notts with DJs and outdoor vibe, a band at a venue in Notts, chilling at home? Hmm I'm sure more will materialise as time passes..

Bad taste in the mouth

2008-12-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

Lying? Dishonesty? Protecting me from whatever?

Never been a fan of lying, untruths, dishonesty and the patronising way some people think that they are doing you a favour by keeping information from you, that may upset you..By this I mean, to share intimate times with a fellow human being and yet, dishonesty about something pretty crucial is prevalent, makes it all seem futile, insincere, disloyal, meaningless and not what I'm about or what I want in my life.
I've always tried to maintain that honesty with those closest and indeed around us, is the only good and productive way to live one's life. It seems many pther people don't hold this value or practice it. What then is the point of intimacy with one who can't be honest and sincere with you? There is no point really is there? Yes, granted we all make mistakes but there's also taking the piss and when this occurs then time's up really, methinks. Crapness that I'm feeling like this just before Xmas, not how I want to feel and be bogged down with such thoughts.

Long story anyway and won't go into detail but just because someone is caring and kind doesn't mean they have TWAT written on their forehead, does it?

A work mate cheered me up though, yet made me feel a little odd today, she told me that her brother is into the same scene as me and liked the look of me in a photo that she had of me.Nice to get the compliment but really ain't the solution I need right now, in all honesty...Time for bed.

Happy Vibes, Messyness and Thank the Lord for the likes of Maya Angelou

2008-12-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

Wonderful weekend in my world! Spent a lazy Saturday pottering and not doing much and then headed to my mate's to drink winter Baileys to warm up for our night out! Had a few drinks in The Turf and then headed to my friend's Xmas Charity event party which was really good; great atmosphere, good music and a good selection of different music genres, nice and friendly people and an invite to the afterparty, which was again, a good vibe with good music. I must've danced for a good 9 hours!
My friend ended up in a messy state and I had to ensure she was OK but needed to get back home for 7am to ensure my son got to work on time so I ended up leaving her on the settee at the afterparty, in the hope that she wouldn't choke on her own vomit! Not a nice thought to leave someone in a comatosed state but she's an adult and there were other comatosed people who I'm sure would've all been an all inclusive and supportive environment! A good friend also stayed behine to help her and not many men who'd only just met a woman who'd been puking, would stay and look after said comatosed mate!
I had a sweet comment made about me from a friend who said that I was
'The one star, unlike any other Sara and different to most British women but free in the mind and an energy like no other!'
Made me smile and feel warm to be told such niceness..and indeed that these qualities shine through, I like this and it's sort of good to feel the qualities are seen by good friends..So a happy weekend and no doubt more goodness to come over the next few weeks!

Been reading a great book by Maya Angelou, Even the stars look Lonesome. A really good book with excellent references to historical happenings and indeed, great quotes throughout regarding poverty, powerlessness, sexuality and humanity. A really interesting and life affirming read!

Contemplating what to do for NYE as I think it's a free one for me in Motherworld which means hopefully, I could do something with A, go away some place or just party or whatever comes in the direction..we'll see! Two more days and Xmas shopping and decoration time!

Brilliant Investigative Journalism.

2008-12-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know whether any of my blog followers are fans of the programme Unreported World on C4, but I love this programme. It amazes me that so much news goes unreported and not just ordinary 'mundane' news but news that really gets to the point and indeed, has a BIG point to make. Tonight's programme, I missed the first 15 mins which was a pain because I didn't get the whole gist but it focussed on refugees fleeing Ethiopia, Somalia and walking to Saudi Arabia in the hope of a better situation. Walking through desert land with ONE and I mean ONE bottle of water to sustain them! And here we are in the 'free world' wasting so much water, food and money.. In this day and age it seems to utterly unfair and cruel that people are starving to death, having to flee and be dislocated from their homelands due to famine, drying land and wars. It seems so poignant that the wealthier continue to get wealthier and yet the poorer and absolute poorer struggle in a way that is difficult to comprehend. Hurts the heart for sure..and maybe sometime in the future, my calling might be to work abroad in such countries in the aid organisations depending on where my path in life leads me..

Today, I've had a real lazy day. I was going to do so much but in the end, I just enjoyed being in my 'home' and doing small jobs around the house, listened to music and read some more Maya Angelou. I've been listening to some Sinead O Connor, still love her voice and her version of Sacrifice, is outstanding! Her voice continues to completely draw me right in..she was blessed with such vocal talent!

Tomorrow, I hope to swim and sauna and feel fresh in this cold wintery weather that I love so much! So you political animals out there, get watching Unreported World!!

Soften..

2008-12-10T00:46:00.000-08:00

Heal with softness

Soften
Soften to the clouds of white fluff,
The warmth of love..
Soften
Let the hardness crack and fade,
Come out of the dark shade.
Soften...
Thaw the winter frost,
Heal the heart from pain and loss..
Soften?

Just a short poem that's come to my head since reflecting about last weekend and a touching, ethereal moment that makes my heart jump and bounce when I think about this moment..All I know is, watching darkness turn to the bright blue light of daybreak is something else..I think i need to go and paint this moment aswell!

The end of my working week and I'm glad to be finished for my 4 day weeekend! Just gives me so much time to do everything I need to do at home, with kids, with myself etc etc.
I have some hair to do and have no firms plan in place. I hope to go to a vegetarian fayre on Friday and then may do a little bit of Xmas shopping, followed by taking a tour on the outdoor Ice- Skating rink in Nottingham and then warm up with mulled wine afterwards. I may also head to watch Choke at the cinema, but will see how things pan out, it will a be a lone day tomorrow but this doesn't really faze me as for God's sake, I left to live in Denmark alone and wandered around alone art galleries and such like fairly often so I guess this means, I'm fairly independent..if mates or boyfriend can't do things with me, then I go it alone rather than moping around..OK, this ain't always the feeling when I'm hormonal and the like but that's a fleeting feeling!

I've been invited to an Xmas Party on Saturday but I am seriously skint and not sure whether I'll go or not. I might meet up with a good friend to catch up with her for a drink and then see what happens. On the other hand, I might just stay at home and keep warm in this cold weather. I love this sparkly white wintry frost, I really do!

Magical Mystery Tour and My Bed Beckons..

2008-12-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

Sunday night and I'm a little wired! I went out last night with some mates to a club night and was lovely to dance and chat to a few buddies that were there. I was going to head off to another club all nighter but the thought of seeing A was much more tempting and indeed, the preferable one in all reality..don't get me wrong, I love clubbing and partying but the intimate times you share with a fellow human being with whom you have feelings for, is right up there high above any clubbing or party experience.
Anyway, 3am and I was on a bus heading to North of Nottingham to visit A. Was a beautiful morning when I arrived at the bus stop where he was to meet me - bright sparkly white frost all over the pavement and in the trees..truly beautiful and my fave look of winter! Anyway, we went on a small, although felt like long, magical mystery tour and then back to his.
Today, we spent the day being lazy, me recovering and then eating some food together before it was time for me to drag myself back home in time for my youngest son coming back home for 6..at times like this, it can be hard to wrench myself away from A and his company but the memories and replaying moments sort of maintain me on some level..and indeed, keep it all real and special.
So after a night of hardly any sleep and a fair bit of sitting on busses, I'm ready for my bed and pray may I have, the most sweetest dreams in the world!

Lessons in Life....

2008-12-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

I watched Into the Wild tonight, directed by Sean Penn with Eddie Vedder used for the soundtrack. What a beautiful film this is if not sad and very profound. The main character who calls himself Alexander Supertramp, makes you think about so many things..one thing that especially struck me was his honour to the young girl who he refused to sleep with..how many men in this day and age choose to do this, when offered on a plate? This struck a chord in many ways aout the mixed messages that humans give to each other without thinking about the consequences about how certain action have the potential to really play with a person's emotional state.

Anyway, I would definitely recommend this film to nature and philosophical lovers of life..it strikes a chord in so many ways and makes you think about life on a large and open level and indeed, in the grand scheme of universal things..very inspiring and touching for sure.. GO WATCH!!!

Post Inspection Unleashing

2008-12-03T03:09:00.000-08:00

My workplace had their OFSTED inspection a few weeks ago and my faculty managed to score an outstanding for social inclusion and community engagement which in many ways, makes me feel good about the work that I do. I was also observed last week and the observation wasd ropped on me 3 hours before I was due to be observed, so a little freaked by this, I carried on as normal and managed to get a '2' for my teaching etc, which I'm more than happy with..Strive for a 1, so they say, but a 2 is good and that's all good by me!

I'm starting to feel a little Xmassy and am planning to go and get a few bits tomorrow - I'm late in buying my advent candle and so, will try my best and indeed hope, I can still get a hold of one! I'm also starting to feel like I want to start lettimg my hair down and getting into the Xmas spirit. Not sure as yet what to do this weekend and what will become of it and I guess the best is just to let the time flow and see what happens, friends ahve invited me to a club night and afterparty but I'm skint and not sure I can justify spending but I do feel like a dance for sure.
Had a long conversation and picked up on something that upset me...don't know what will become of this and yes we're all different and the like, I know this and I do appreciate this. However, I also realise that I'm too 'full on' for some people, but that's me and can people really change their essential personality? Yes I talk a lot, I chill, I get a heightened energy at times, I like to be in touch often, I don't know, I need to think long and hard about this one..I really should live in a commune methinks cos I am essentially a people person and although I do, at times crave space, I like the idea of a good community and having people around me and indeed, feel able to contact people for a chat and not feel bad about this..Hmm..

You Reds!

2008-11-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

On a cold and foggy Saturday trotted my son and I to the Forest V Barnsley footie match at The City Ground. It has to be said, I haven't watched a live football match for years and I'm talking 20 or so years! I loved the match and especially when Forest scored..was great for my son to see his fave footie team win against Barnsley by 1-0.

The atmosphere was good and it got so tense towards the last 10 minutes of the match..all well worth the experience and we will definitely be going again for sure!

Tonight, I've been contemplating quite a few things..I don't know, sometimes I just feel I may aswell enlcose myself off from others at times because it seems whatever I do, people get irritated or annoyed with me and who I am.. I don't mean to put any pressure on people and essentially I am a people person but I guess I have to remember many people just are not and that can be hard when you have to sort of check yourself about who you are and whether/what you should change..

I've also been listening to Sigur Ros which, it has to be said, has the potential to make me feel melancholic and contemplative. Extremely talented musicians are these people and their music feel so completely ethereal..I don't know, I guess they take me back to a place in time that brings out certain emotions..

Remembering and healing

2008-11-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

In a few days time, the 27th to be precise, is the date my Mum died 3 years ago. How things have changed since then. It's rather strange when I think about it all. My home situation was chaotic and I yearned for change and yet I felt compelled to ride the storm as it were..until calmer times led me to the place where I am now and the situation that I find myself in. The time of her death and my whereabouts at that point in time, are also very clear in my mind too and it's sort of sad when I think about this..

I hadn't seen my Mum for two weeks before she died and this always played on my mind to be honest. She had endured what she thought, was a nasty stomach bug and told me to stay away to prevent me from getting it, in retrospect, I should've just gone to visit her regardless of her words. But I didn't and thus, the last time I saw her was when she had passed, laying peacefully on her bed. I will never forget this image and in many ways, it's almost as if the features of a dead one revert back to youthful and childlike, once they've passed. My passed Mum reminded me of a photo of when she was a young girl.

As time has passed, I guess I've dealt with her death in many different ways and I guess the hardest for me, has been not having her to confide in and indeed, sharing nice times with. Sudden death of a loved one, hits people strangely I think and indeed, doesn't prepare you like terminal illness possibly does.

I've also had some weird 'unexplainable' experiences since her passing; Grey white aura of a head and shoulders and being hugged by this, tapped on the back and bum not very long ago, a male angel dream or maybe, a visitation - who knows? The other night it felt as though someone was stroking my forehead whilst I lie in bed. I've never been susceptible to such happenings in the past and thus, wonder what or who they may be but they're not frightening nor or they intimidating and in many ways, very comforting..

Angel of Goodness..

2008-11-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

Has she healed?
Has the angel sprinkled golden goodness?
On her soul?
Her heart?
For once again she smiles,
Bright and open,
Laughter
That remains unbroken..
She walks in his healing energy,
The righteous path?
Comforting her body -
Soul,
Heart..
Healed?

Precious Time

2008-11-19T14:39:00.000-08:00

Hooray, the end of my working week already and phew, thank God - my 3 working day week has been hectic and full on, to say the least! Saying that, once again I enjoyed my teaching session and feel very motivated, i love teaching speakers of other languages and discussing their culture and old ways of life. Today, my Iraqi student was showing me where him and his wife are originally from in Iraq - a small place just outside Kirkuk, a place where quite a large proportion was flattened from what i remember. He told me about the different attrocities happening out there and how he and his wife had to seek refuge. It's easy for us as westerners to forget what sadness and hardship refugees must endure and indeed, to feel safe and free from possible death, is a relief in itself. Maybe this is a turning point in my teaching career and maybe, I should consider studying an EFL course to teach learners from other countries. Hmm food for thought. I aim to get the teaching space as friendly and interesting as possible and indeed, an array of differing info about different cultures and suchlike.

Tomorrow, a good friend is popping by for coffee and croissants early in the day as she needs to pick her bike up that's been in my shed since the summer! Will be great to catch up with her and our lives.

I have no firm plans this weekend but quite fancy a cybertechno night, or at least a blow out on some level, after the past few stressful days!We'll see!

I still haven't been to see The Baader Meinhof Complex film so maybe I should do an early afternoon viewing on Friday. Hmm would be good cos I really don't want to miss this film.. I guess I'm trying to live everyday as it comes but I also have to plan due to having my kids and time limited re. my own personal freedom..

Beautiful day today and no doubt getting colder which is always good this time of the year and I love seeing frost and sunshine, it's sooo romantically beautiful!

Time and Fear

2008-11-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

So, my travelling journey to my new workplace, seems to take ages expecially when I use the bus! I try to use the train cos it's a 5 minute journey and avoids traffic which, trust me, is much better than being stuck 'in' traffic! Thank god for bus lanes I say!
Anyway, today a new learner joined me. I asked where he was from to which, he became hesitant and fearful about telling me. I guess this is because, with time, he told me that he is from Iraq and my assumption is, feels under pressure about this due to the bad press and relations between the US/UK and Iraq. I may be wrong here but it made me feel sad for him regarding this. Anyway, he will be joining my sessions to improve his english and although I'm not an ESOL teacher, it will be a challenge and a pleasure to teach a foreign learner. His wife and him seem extremely polite and kind, something I've always found with learners from this part of the world.
I had to attend a really important meeting today with an OFSTED inspector which wasn;t so daunting and indeed, gave us the chance to air a few things. One of which, I have concers that the NUS body charges vulnerable and low income learners a fee to obtain an NUS card, which for my learners, is a real issue!

So there we have it, important meeting over, new learners joining me and a feeling that life is flowing nicely!

I think I am going to stop my counselling aswell..in some ways it helps but in other ways, I know I work though my issues in my own ways and via friends. I don't want to drag up issues from my past anymore, I want to move forward and let life flow positively..I know other factors can sometimes interrupt one's happiness but I guess the key is to address these and move to a positive place..I feel in a positive place right now and I'm glad about this, I really am.

Thoughts for Monday

2008-11-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

So, a rather hectic day today and indeed, I'm now tired and ready for my bed - Decided to visit A last night and watch Fight Club with him and just chill drinking tea and taking things easy, which was a nice ending to the weekend and lovely to spend this sort of precious and normal time together..
I cycled back in the early hours and managed to feel fresh for work and ready for teaching in the new hostel that I'm assigned to. I have a really enthusiatic learner who works like a Trojan and hasn't been in educatiuon for years - this is wonderful to see such motivation and enthusiasm!
I listened to an interesting discussion on R4 today about children and the demonisation of them by adults. I feel for our young today and don't get me wrong, I can certainly lose my rag with my kids at times but the survey carried out about demonisation was shocking to say the least about how a lot of adults view kids and teens; pains in the arse, fit for nothing, waste of space etc etc..Nasty stuff. It always amazes me when people moan about kids playing on the streets together..I love to see kids out playing with each other, it's a form of social interraction and bonding and without this, I fear kids lose out on some thing vital about getting to know others without parental control.

We live in strange times and if demonisation of kids is so prominent, then what future society will we hold for the next generation of kids? I wonder..

Highness Loveliness

2008-11-16T10:58:00.000-08:00

Highness Reggae Soundsytem? Possibly one of the best night's out for me at the moment. The vibe is one of happiness, friendliness, dancing and folks generally having a good time. I love these nights and had a great time at last nights'. I met my friend Anna first, to catch up with our lives and have a small pub crawl. Anna decided not to come to Highness though, as she was tired and has loads of stuff on with her business so I went down to this alone and this is what I love about Highness that even when alone, I don't feel intimidated or uneasy in fact, I feel fine and just get on a dancing vibe!

It was also great to get a suprise phone call, which I didn't hear due to the volume of music but luckily checked my phone and rang A back. It was late though, so I met him outside and we headed, or maybe I dragged A to The Turf Tavern in my drunken state - haven't been like this for a while but I def had drank a fair load!We then took some food back to eat at his - this was all good as I hadn't eaten since lunch time as I hadn't been hungry and I'm sure the sustenance was good for me!

So, had a lovely and sweet time of it and I can't wait for the Xmas Highness - will be wickedly cool and a wonderful vibe again methinks! Here's to the week ahead..OFSTED and all! GULP!!

Phew, time to kick back!

2008-11-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Had an extremely hectic week! I've been asked and indeed have opened a new provision in the St Anns area of Nottingham and it's been lovely getting to know many of the people who are hoping to come and join my sessions next week. I've met people from Nigeria, Malawi, Algeria and indeed many local people who are waiting to be rehoused. I have a good feel and vibe about the place and the staff seem sweet, very inclusive and supportive about what I'm about. I have a great space to teach in and sole use of a kitchen which is great cos I like to put my and indeed, learners' mark on their environment in order that people feel welcome and a sense of ownership.
I've also been frantically preparing for a college OFSTED inspection next week which means, I get to talk to key inspectors next week! Better be on my best behaviour then!

So, not having much time more recently for cyberactivity and been ready for bed by 10.30! I guess the wonder is on, why my posts aren't focussed around my issues of the 'heart'? Well, I've decdied that this is something that is best kept 'close to my heart and chest' so to speak and indeed, to keep things grounded and real is the best thing for me..too much energy and thought can be spent on heart matters and therefore rather than obsessing, it's better to just get on with stuff and enjoy or indeed, try to enjoy each day and experience as they come. Unless of course, I ever in my life get offered the hand of marriage which is highly unlikely, then I might write about this and yes, I certainly would write about such things!! And I am a true believer in letting the universe let its path unfold, how ever it should unfold.
However, I am more and more sure that I will not accept the 'thrown crumbs' from people any more and indeed, will only accept openness, honesty, kindness, sharing and sincere and true loving..Nuff said now!

I feel like I can completely relax now until next Monday and thus, am going to take things easy- maybe do some swimming and sauna and hopefully a reggae night Saturday - we'll see. I'd also like to get to a Buddhist meditation this week as I've been re-reading my Dalai Lama book Ancient Wisdom Modern World - great book and so grounding and real! I'd also like to possibly go and see The Baader Meinhof Complex film, looks good and violent - not that I want to cause violence but I'm interested in the Revolutionary Marxists amongst people and the views around this..should def be interesting viewing!

I still have probs with my left arm - can't carry heavy things for long and if I do, it fuckinwell hurts after!

Had a funny old dream last night after speaking on the phone to someone who'd been telling me about the food that was being cooked. I dreamt about this and waking up with them! Funny old thing are dreams, where the hell do they come from?

Anyway time to chill and watch some TV and please watch How Mad Are you? I seriously think I have elements of BiPolar but on a simplistic and watered down version!

Observational Reflections

2008-11-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

Can we really Hate?
The angered ones -
Who walk,
Shoulders hunched..
Fists clenched..
Head down.
Full of frown..
Should we not Love..
The lonely ones
Destroyed
And desperate,
Cold
but heartful
For underneath
Are humans..a being
Same blood,
Same heart,
Same soul,
Same skin,
Your Brother -
From a mother
Somewhere in the world -
Whose life became upturned
Whose love is frozen
and once burned,
With another..
Whose hope -
was shattered by neverending tears,
Whose laugh
Was saturated with mind altering fear.
Love,
Nurture,
Believe,
Smash the lock -
Open the heart,
Free the hate..
Open the gate.
Simplify their fate?

Seeking Direction..

2008-11-09T03:57:00.000-08:00

Over the last year or so, I've been pondering my job and the possibility of doing something different..Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do but I feel like we are more and more confined by funding elements and learner achievement more and more hence, I take you to my point of this post.
Last night I went to a friend's 30th birthday celebrations, who I used to work alongside in a hostel but who was employed by a different organisation. I got chatting to an colleague with whom I also worked alongside many years back and who now is responsible for development and taking their organisation forward. I was discussing my dilemma about teaching issues and the need to teach one thing at a time rather than facilitate a range of different subjects, which makes me feel like I'm a trainer rather than a 'teacher'.
Anyway, my old colleague who I know has a lot of respect for me and my work, suggested that I contact someone and put certain feelers out with regards the possibility of a job that needs creating within the organisation. Tempted? I am and I hope I do make contact with this person..My friend whose 30th it was, also suggested I go and do some sessional teaching with her for a couple of hours and maybe with time, pick up further work along the way..She said she'd love to have me on board and work would be there.
However, this is all well and good but when a job has a certain sense of security with it, sometimes it's hard to take the jump and break away somewhat..
I don't know, maybe I'm just at a turning point with regards this and things will unfold as they should do but the dilemma is there and the direction a little confused..
Maybe a visit to the countryside might be the solution. I feel the need to get out into wide open space and beings as though I haven't been to the countryside for a while, maybe it's time..I could take myself off on a ramble in The Peaks, get all cold and windswept and then warm up in a country pub near the fire. I could enjoy the last remnants of autumnal colours and leaf fall..leaf fall is so beautiful to watch and this year, England's autumn colours seem so much more vibrant than last year..So yes, I think a visit to the countryside is well and truly due..

My oldest son is possibly going to be moving to Denmark after Xmas. We've recently had many rows and the like which I guess is pretty normal for teens and parents and now I feel it may be time to have some time with his Dad. He's been mentioning moving over there for a while and although lots of angry words and home truths have been spoken with his Father, things have cooled as I knew they would and a solution and compromise has been made. Indeed, it may well be that my son moves out there after Xmas and stays with family and indeed, will have a job to walk into almost immediately. It's been proving really hard for him to find work here and this hanging around doing nothing is tiring and unhealthy for him and indeed, me. So we'll see, time as always, is the teller with such things..

Dawn of a new sunrise?

2008-11-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

Obama for President? How touched and hopeful was I when I heard that news this morning? I listened to his speech and it really made me more emotional than I thought! For one thing, he's the first ever black president of the USA and two, I liked what he had to say about the US uniting and people coming together..I truly hope he changes things for the people fo America not only for those who struggle but also for those who want equality and freedom and indeed, the hope of an end to the attrocities that continue to happen in the Middle east. Maybe there could be fresh dialogue about Israel and Palestine question..One thing's for sure, it's gonna be a hard and tough job along a long road!

Nearly 3 years ago, was the death of my Mother..a few more weeks and there we have it. I know death affects us a lot more than we care to admit. Death of a very close loved one, especially a mother, changes you in many respects, there is always a certain emptiness that never existed before and a different sort of low that I don't think you really experience on this level. It's hard to describe but it's there and I know how I feel..The cliche time makes things better is true but the hole that exists is paramount..I guess too for me, many things changed in the time close to and after my Mum's death and I don't think I've dealth with them all. Maybe it's time to deal with these issues as I last mentioned to my counsellor..we'll see. So in many respects I'll be counting the days down and sometimes I just wish my Mum would appear to give me some guidance about things but I know this is silly thinking and I guess it just shows how close we were as people for sharing thoughts and feelings..Indeed, when you've talked to yourt Mum most nights for the good part of your life albeit with a few gaps inbetween, this is hard to comprehend and thus, loneliness can take over at times.

Hmm. I'm hoping to attend a Yoga session tomorrow night all being well and assuming my son will babysit! I look forward to some grounding and realise how much I need this, I really do!

Roads

2008-11-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Been listening to Portishead today, in between cleaning up my poorly son's smelly puke, bless him.
Roads? An awesome track, tune and lyrics..by Portishead and what do the lyrics mean, I ask you?

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

I guess we all take our own meanings from lyrics and poems and this indeed, is the beauty of written pieces.
We all come to certain roads in our life and of course, at times, wonder which way to turn, where to go and where we'll end up. Or, maybe, just maybe some of us are able to just keep going down the same road without questioning anything or indeed, challenging the things that really bother us, be it Love, Jobs, Family,LIfe, systems etc.
Me? I've never seemed to have been able to go in one straight line..I guess the road then, has always been a slippery and winding one but I truly feel that I want my road to become straighter and straighter now to be perfectly honest. And, I hope it will be, I truly hope it will! But then maybe, just maybe these winding roads are put there to take us and indeed, test us towards our final destinations in life..Deep? Yeah maybe so but then I'm a deep and intense person at times, this is me and will ever be as such!
So roads to take and turn into come with time and much contemplation ...

Buddhism and Wisdom

2008-11-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

OK, so after a lovely night with my family and celebrating my Dad's 70th birthday, it reminded me about how important and permanent family is and indeed, the reliability of family. I also enjoyed being around friends later and met some new people who seemed sweet and into the outdoor party scene, which is all good cos I still like the outdoor vibe and indeed, hope to attend a outdoor party this weekend depending on lift and freinds going along etc etc.
Today, I've been in reflective, sort of sad and soul searching mode. I remember attending the buddhist Centre not long ago and asking an opinion about something regarding love and destruction. I remember the old man who responded to my question said sometimes in life, we have to practise something known as wisdom and indeed, Buddhist wisdom. In other words he was saying that no matter how kind and good we are to others, sometimes it's necessary to be wise and take the path of wisdom, especially when something may be causing upset..

Here's a brief explanation about basic wisdom and indeed, not solely confined to matters of the heart or head but just basic principles.

The highest wisdom is seeing that in reality all phenomena are incomplete, impermanent, and not self. This understanding is totally freeing and leads to the great security and happiness which is called Nirvana. However, the Buddha doesn't speak too much about this level of wisdom. It is not wisdom if we simply believe what we are told. True wisdom is to directly see and understand for ourselves. At this level then, wisdom is to keep an open mind rather than being closed-minded, listening to other points of view rather than being bigoted; to carefully examine facts that contradict our beliefs, rather than burying our heads in the sand; to be objective rather than prejudiced and partisan; to take time about forming our opinions and beliefs rather than just accepting the first or most emotional thing that is offered to us; and to always be ready to change our beliefs when facts that contradict them are presented to us. A person who does this is certainly wise and is certain to eventually arrive at true understanding. The path of just believing what you are told is easy.
The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.

I think a visit to the buddhist centre again is calling me..maybe this Friday I'll head to the wonderful lunch time meditation again.

Let party time commence....fuelled by numbskullinglycrap anger!

2008-11-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

So, a busy day ahead after being depressed about Royal Bank of Scotland and their plans to give some staff bonuses whilst the Govt are bailing them out with tax payers' money! A joke? Fuck me this is A FUCKIN JOKE NOT! I'm feeling angrily insane as I write this and I tell you, it ain't half infuriated my overactive brain today! The Govt? Are we such numbskulls that we are OK about this news?????

Me and my lovely extrovert son Jake, are heading shopping to buy
.Pair of new school shoes. desperateness
.Dad birthday pressie
.Birthday card

and..maybe stop for a creamy hot choc some where for Jake to enjoy. I'm looking forward to seeeing my lovely albeit at times dysfunctional family and indeed, celebrating with my Dad, his 70th year on mothership Earth!

Spoken to my mate Julie and all action stations for her party later on aswell...so I guess, I'll head to her do about 11ish and spend time for her birthday and then possibly ehad to a club for dancing! Always does me the world of good to dance. Maybe I need to join a dance troupe or summat? I dunno, dancing is just something that's always given me good feelings and vibes despite what ever crapness may be looming around..

So a happy 1st day of November! Bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!

Alone Beats

2008-10-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

Alone- ness
Is the only way forward?
Towards self preservation..
Soul ressurection.
Togetherness?
People..
Do strive for -
Long and yearn for..
Anxiously waiting their turn for
But
Do they get out alive?
Does the storm carry them to calm waters?
Or turbulent forces?
Throughout THEIR life course/s?
Attachment love..
The recipe of happiness?
But
Does the heat build up?
Boil over, burn, explode!!
Dry out the stream of kindness?
Condemn the eyes to blindness -
Shrink the full heart..
To nothingness.
A beat that no longer pulsates
To connections
But
Pounds to an atomic necessity.

Happy Samhain and Happy Birthday to my Dad

2008-10-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

So, the Samhain will be with us tomorrow. Normally I make a pumpkin soup, fresh herb and garlic bread and chocolate cakes. This year though, I feel that my kids don't really appreciate and enjoy the soup as much as adults so hot dogs and gateau will be the eve meal for tomorrow night and I know they'll wolf this down. I also will cut out a pumpkin and light this outside for Jake to enjoy. I asked my son if he wanted to go trick and treating but he said not..so, a quiet time at home chilling and whatever takes the fancy.

It's also my Dad's 70th birthday this weekend. My family are all going out for a meal with him to celebrate this occasion. I hope I look as good as my dad does when I reach 70! He still looks very young to me and I guess regular walks and being an outdoor man has enabled him to be so fortunate with keeping a youthful glow. I've also got my mate's birthday party to attend afterwards which will be good to catch up with her for her birthday too.

Distance? I feel that A's still not over his ex and thus, this is difficult for me. I still find the hol business difficult and I know he is in contact still which is fair enough but sometimes I feel like I'm just a stop gap in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to meet men who are still pining for their ex's and who keep me at arm's length...it's not a nice feeling and one that leaves me feeling dry and empty and this I don't want to feel anymore...it's like being second best and this isn't good. I really feel that time is precious and there's a wide world out there for me to explore. I'd like to share this with a person who loves me, or who falls in love with me but it seems that since the split with my son's father,I meet people who never want this. Hmm difficult dilemmas for sure.
Maybe the universe shows us these experiences to prepare us for what is ahead, maybe the path is always mapped out and we eventually fall on the right path that was always meant to be..

I've also been informed there's an outdoor Smokescreen party next weekend - I really hope to attend. Haven't been to one for ages but would be cool to enjoy the Smokescreen vibe again as I haven't been to one of their nights for a long time..

Heavy Beats and Good friends

2008-10-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

Been listening to some awesome tunes from dubstep.fm - a US internet radio site playing loads of Dubstep..really liking it for sure! May go and meet a good friend this week for a drink as they're on the case about meeting up..be cool to catch up soon for a drink and chat.

Some friends I guess stay for length and others pass through. I'm much more of a long term friend and don't really do 'short term'. I guess to me, friends are precious and thus, we should value those true friends dearly. I've still got friends from when I was 12 years old and I have a group of core friends from '94 onwards when I returned to study. Also more recently, I've met two new dear friends whom I feel will be long termers, Mel and Bridget.

Even when I don't see friends or those who I hold dear, they still live in my heart and mind and I still think about them..I don't like to lose friendships but some people choose to walk other paths and this one can't change, sad as it may be..Hmm.

Have an invite to a mate's birthday party this weekend, sounds good - a large soundsystem, DJs and on until the early hours...looking good and sounding sweet! Time will tell...

Raging Cyberworld and memories of Sunday A.M

2008-10-28T09:57:00.001-07:00

What a past few days in Sara World. My home PC has managed to get a narsty XP 2009spyware virus which has meant a visit to a PC repair shop to sorth the bugger out meanwhile I use a laptop from work for my cyber activity! Annoying but I guess, has to be sorted although sometimes I feel how different life would be without a PC.HMM.

I vaguely remember a really loud banging about 5.30am Sunday morning and I remember looking out of my window thinking that someone might've been banging on my door - alas, no sighting and no one to be seen at the back door! Maybe it was my neighbour's house but I remember the banging woke me up and it seemed to be closeby.Hmmph..I wonder?BUT who would turn up at 5.30am without calling me first? Strange but Ill put it down to neighbours or some such!

I've been contacted by TAO Nottingham to do some volunteering in their teabar, so a wonder down there later this week to find out what the score is and what hours I can spare..should be cool and good to do something constructive on this DiY level...will fill you with the detail when I know more.

So, apart from nearly smashing my PC up, getting strangely woken up and future volunteering..life's a going in its direction and yes, I can be sooo ragey when things go amok. Scary!!

Spontaneity and Light

2008-10-26T05:28:00.000-07:00

Planning things is always good and I guess, when you're in my situation ie. dependents to care for and plan around, it always seems to be an element of my life and what I have to do. However, sometimes it's great to have a bit of spontaneity in life as happened to me on Friday!
Was supposed to meet A but he was running late so ended up heading towards the library and lo and behold, bumped into the man of the couple I met last week. We ended up going for a couple of beers and had a nice chat about things, exchanged numbers and said our farewells.
I met A and we were going to pub crawl back to his; short of dosh, a cheap night was needed. However, we ended up bumping into his cousin and girlfriend, drank cheap bottles of wine in a pub, went to another pub, left the pub and said goodbyes to A's cousin, headed to lovely shaw's pub in Nottingham - a great chilled place with live music..by this time though, we must've looked worse for wear and then ended up taxi'ing back to A's..
Yesterday was spent chilling and being generally lazy until I headed back home to get ready for a friend's curry night out and birthday celebration. Was in the sack by 12am today and sleep did I need!

So, spontaneous happenings are all well and good and love these moments for sure. This week, is half term so I plan to do a few nice things with my son; Maybe take a trip to Matlock, a playden, swimming and cinema..we'll see how the week pans out and take it from there.

Still got a weird pain in my arm, still don't know what the hells' going on but will rest this week a little..the pain seems to have radiated across the back area to the front of my arm and lower front neck - bloody weird and I am really quite tempted to maybe get another opinion about this cos it doesn't feel right to me at all, that's for sure and at the end of the day, we all know what and how our body should feel eh? Hmph.

What the F**k?

2008-10-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

So here I am, sat at home waiting to go to a Dr Appointment this afternoon, after having a weird sensation at work today. I stood up, got the most immense upper back pain, felt breathless and could hardly walk to the train station..started to panic, boarded the train and I now I await my Dr appointment for later today. Rang my sister as she's had blood clots in the past and on my mother's side of the family, thrombosis was prevalent, hence my sister and I being unable to take certain hormones..
F**k knows what is causing this weirdness but I'm guessing it links into the pain in my arm over the last few days??

Wish me luck people, wish me best of British!