Mirror

If my life is a mirror,
Reflecting who I am,
Some parts of it need to be cracked,
And put together again.
The Mirror of my life,
Attracting parts of me -
That need to be destroyed
To leave me feeling free.
The masculine and feminine -
Both intuition and action -
A balance of the two
Will praise me with satisfaction.
The mirror of my life?
Dusty for far too long,
Blow away the dust
Bring forth a new, sweet song..

Surreal

I've been reading a book called Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain recently, this was a birthday present from a very good friend. Anyway, I've read the first few chapters and the one that really interested me was the chapter about intuition and instinct; following what you feel is right deep down in your being, if you don't she argues, this can cause personal and emotional chaos.. I wholeheartedly believe this.

Anyway, book aside, I was talking a good friend about this last night and about quite spiritual things, she agreed with a lot of what I felt..Anyway, to cut a long story short, we ate some food and then had a few glasses of wine and a smoke.
My friend, bless her, fell asleep on the sofa, whilst I listened to some old CDs. My mind wandered off into a dreamlike state, which started to feel a little like a journey, which then led me to feel like there was a white light above and in front of me..I then felt as though I was being hugged really tightly by my Mum for a long time, which made me feel extremely happy but also led me to shed some tears..I was then led to think about the person I love for a long time. This experience was an extremely out of body type but in body experience I've had for quite some time! I felt warm, comforted, loved and happy all in one go. I wonder how much people are with you cosmically and spiritually? For sure, this was a surreal but welcome experience. Wow!!!!

The last flower of Summer

He walks in the room
To my surprise
Yet I did wonder -
Would he?
Will he?
Dare he?
And did he indeed.
An offering
Of kindness,
Wise words,
Missing me,
Reflection
And the goodness,
That had become
Of spending time apart.
Alone in our thoughts -
Contemplate actions,
Words, feelings
Hurts, sadness.
And now?
Autumn once again
Returns.
Past thoughts buried,
Like the last flower of summer,
Shying away to rot
Into the dark soil.
Gone and forgotten.
Yet autumn has reborn
A love that always exists
Remains
In place.
Intact,
Everlasting, everpresent
Evergreen..stronger.
I can't pretend to hide
These feelings
I won't deny, or try to find
Replacement.
For to do this
Is a lie.
Even it means to be alone,
And time passes me by,
Maybe our time will come,
Always believe it will,
Deep in my heart.

Blessed

Weekend nearly over, one of the best birthday weekends ever, really special. I received some nice presents; 2 books, candle with beautiful holder, jewellery, ticket to see Jello Biafra, massage, chocolate, CD and on a more simpler, cosmic level, the love of all of my friends. What a gift and an honour.

I'm blessed that the beloved came to the bar on Friday, I guess it took him a lot of courage to face me after our fall out. I feel proud that he made the effort and bygones can hopefully now be bygones.
When I spoke to him, it was as though we'd never had a fall out, like we'd always been friends, easy, sweet, happy, contemplative, fun. To be in company with him is easy for me, natural, warm, whole. It just goes to show that forgiveness, kindness and love really do matter on the larger scheme of things..and indeed, an ability to realise one's faults/mistakes and act accordingly - honourable and respectful actions.

Today, I've been feeling content and contemplative. I had a good night last night apart from looking after my extremely drunk brother, who I had to take home in a taxi and ensure he reached his destination safely - he was in no fit state to make it home alone - deary me, brothers eh?

I feel my world has turned and my energy is back at its positive place in the world, which is all good. There's a slight breeze blowing through my window as I type, with a colder edge to the air; The sky being grey but beautifully so... a lovely day.

Time to get cosy tonight, sleep early and dream sweet dreams...

What a Wonderful Life..

Well, I hit 40 years old on Thursday..a milestone and a weird one in anyone's books. Anyway, at first I woke up feeling pissed off cos my kids hadn't even thought to think about my birthday. I spent the day feeling fed up and sad. Later that day, my ex came to babysit whilst I went out for a local drink with a couple of mates.
The drink was nice and chilled but didn't feel like my birthday really. Anyway, Friday came and this was just the complete opposite - bearing in mind I'm having a weekend of festivities! I woke up and went for a long swim, I then went for a birthday massage from my friend, who's a trained masseur who knows just how I like to be touched. This was her present to me, what a wonderful pressie. After this, the day just got better. I met friends later on at alate bar with real good DJs and tunes that I love. The beloved turned up, I wondered whether he might but I didn't want to expect it because we'd had a fall out some time ago.
It meant a lot to me that he turned up. We chatted and ironed out issues from our fall out - a sabbatical as he told my friend, this made me laugh. We had a good time talking and dancing and I was sad when he left..It added glitter to my night to see him and forget the bad words and past. It made my birthday in fact, alongside all of my wonderful mates being present andf their love radiating at me..how wonderful is this? I also had a special birthday cake made for me as a gift, which was truly lovely and a special gesture indeed.

Afterwards, some of us headed to a small gathering at a friend's house whereby the atmosphere was one of warmth, friendliness, acceptance, philosophical conversation, grounded lovely people. I left at 5.30am feeling happy, rather off my box but very content with my world.

Tonight, I'm off for a curry in a posher curry restaurant with 15 others. More of a formal affair but will no doubt end very informal cos all of my friends are prone to this!!!

I feel that life is wonderful right now, I'm glad my beloved made the trip out and we buried the past(I hope). I still have so much love in my heart for him, just to see his face andf feel his presence has always been enormous to me.

So guys, 40, knackered in the toxic sense of too much substances but wonderfully happy.

Living in the Light

So my dear friend Helen, has bought me a new book tonight online. Bless her. Living in the Light is a new ageish sort of book, which she feels, will benefit me on some level. I await to read this with some anticipation. It apparently talks about mapping out your future life and envisaging what you would like your future life to look like in the close future. Interesting stuff.
I still have the book that I loaned from the beloved. I started to read it but somehow, I haven't been able to concentrate and focus too well on fiction right now apart from poetry and random reviews in the Guardian Review at the weekend.
I must return this book to him soon. It's not fair that I've held on to it for such a long time..he said to keep it but I know he loves this book and thus I feel it should be returned..I guess letting me keep it is also a gesture of his kindness and love that he does have but still, I feel it should be with its loving owner..

One day soon, a return will happen, I'm sure. How this occurs I don't yet know. Time will be the teller of this outcome...

Sara's Snapshot News

Northern Rock Bank in difficulties? Is there some wider worry ahead with other banks I ask you? Is Capitalism finally losing it's stability in the west as we know it? Bring on the revolution is what I say.

The Sex Pistols are to play their first gig in years with Glen Matlock joining them.

The ensuing attack on Iran seems closer - I will weep if this place is invaded.

Richard Branson has sold all of his Virgin Megastores to which they are gonna be renamed Zavva, or summat like that. Interesting, I guess this is Branson using his business head and sense again.

Helen Mirren won an award at the weekend, I forget the name cos I sped read the article. My, she wears a stunning 60+ years!

Children are getting lazier and less academic with more behavioural difficulties. Surprised? Not in the least! Get ya kids on their bikes, get out of ya cars lazy parents and stop force feeding them TV and PC games, says she, whose kids love PC and Nintendo games. But I might add, they do ride bikes and don't zooom around in gas guzzlers. How angelic am I ?

Adjusting

Adjusting to something new is strange, rearrange the patterns that have taken over your mind. Repatterning the mind and thoughts can be troublesome it's true, but I guess the thing to do is to have faith, to enjoy, to love, to feel thanks, to appreciate, to believe, to enjoy, to relax in the moment and enjoy the time, the sweetness.
New friendships remind you about who you are, what you're about, especially when you've been hurting deep down, inside the pit of your stomach and soul. But then trust kicks in and wondering whether to?
So, I take a calm refrain and breathe slowly, remind myself, who I am. Why I'm loved.
The words of my sweet friend, who's always been a sturdy crutch for me in times of distress, so touching and frank, so reassuring and thoughtful - For these are the times, that make our lives feel worthy, alive and able to fuck the strife.
To those who care and love, thanks be with you and you make my world a good place to be alive in.

Oh what a night!

Wonderful weekend, wonderful night last night, wonderful! Seems like life's turning around and making it feel like it maybe does begin (as the crap cliche says) at 40! 4 more days and counting to the Big Day. Dear me, don't think I've ever felt this weirded out about a birthday in my whole life! It's making me laugh and solemn at the same time.
As my funny 'gangsta soundin mate from the Ghetto' said the other night during our long phone conversation

'You're no spring chicken anymore'

Cheeky bastard of a man! LOL

The Power of Opera

I've always been a big music fan and this means most music. I don't like to pigeonhole myself re.a certain type or genre. To me, pigeonholing oneself, is narrowing your mind instead of expanding the mind. As a 3 year old T rex was my love and glam rock. My Mum especially loved music aswell, maybe this was because she grew up in a musical family; my Grandmother played the piano and would go and play in pubs late at night, whilst her children slept peacefully. It's a shame that our generation aren't so dependent on making their own music due to all of the other stimulants that surround us such as TV, PC games, CDs. I'm not saying these are all bad but I guess I like the thought of olden day families singing or indeed listening to a family member playing an instrument and having a good, old, sing song.
Anyway, my love of classical music started when i was in infant school. As we all walked into the old school hall, with its wooden, polished floorboards and beeswax smell, there would always be a classical music track being played on the old type tape recorder - way back then, this used to really move me, as it does today.
Fast forward my time as an Au pair in Denmark, I got heavily into Vivaldi and The Four Seasons. The music fitted so well to how I felt when I was there; extremely happy, carefree and had met some lovely, beautiful people who meant a lot to me and still do to this very day.
Fast forward even further to the death of my Mum and the choice of music for her funeral - Sarah Brightman and Andre Bocelli. Beautiul music.
Besides all of this, I've always been intrigud by the life of Maria Callas;her affair with Onassis and the depth of sorrow and hardship she endured due to her powerful love that wasn't being fed how she wanted it to be.
So, as I listen to opera singers and their music, they literally move my emotions so much, that I cry tears of reflection,sadness, happiness, contemplation, loss, love, missing loved ones and all of the things that music has the power to do to the emotions.
Long live Music!

Sensing

The mind's eye
Makes him visible to me,
And enables me to hear him,
Deep in the depth of my soul,
My longing kindly feels him
Through clear imagination,
A slideshow of wild creation;
White, black, soft, blur,
Sound, dusk, dawn, heat.
My dream leads me,
To the maze of my desire,
And lets me rest there
In a heaven, free from hell.

Queezy

Recently I'm having bouts of feeling nauseous and queezy. I don't know why but I'm waking up feeling this and throughout the day I get this. (And no I'm not pregnant LOL, I lead a sex free life right now!)

Anyone else having bouts like this?Not the sex free-life bit but the nauseous bit ;-)

I wonder whether this is caused through using the PC at work too much? I wonder if it's cos my office space is so bad to work in?

Hmm early night and swim for me tomorrow.. AND a quiet weekend of reading I think apart from my friend's civilised 40th family birthday. Actually, I'm looking forward to a quiet time this weekend.

Now I'm missing my friend.

OK, so it's been a few weeks since I had a big fall out with the person I still love (yawn fucking yawn) but, as I keep saying, you can't hide your feelings, if they're there, they're just there! Anyway, today I texted mates about my actual birthday night soon to come up whereby I suggested a film and a meal and you know what? None of them have texted back which makes me feel bloody fed up!

I know what I'd like to do, I know truly what I'd like to do around my birthday but I ain't suggesting it to anyone and if he still has 'feelings' or owt about me, then HE can contact me and be a true friend to me and invite me over for wine and cook me a meal and show me that he does really care and that we both forgive each other and move on from all of the crap and be kind and sweet to each other. (even though we've had a big fall out recently, we have been friends again in the past) Oh dear, all of these quandries!
God it's weird, why is it that a random person in the whole of the bloody fuckin universe is still there floating around in my little cosmos? Hmmmm...I guess that's energy, life, love, feelings, thoughts, attachments, forgiveness, kindness, blah,blah blah!

Deleting Rage

In my rage,
I turn the page
I delete
My creative feats -
Of love.
My pourings,
My passions,
My love,
My depth -
Deleted.
Deleting doesn't delete -
Love,
Passion,
Depth.
It erases words.
But thoughts remain there
A window into the soul
They stare.
Settled in their comfort zone,
Refusing to leave,
Too much of a heave.
Emotion and love
Can never be deleted.
Locked away?
Maybe.
Resurface?
Always.
Deleting in a rage,
Feels divine,
Unleashing the anger
Sadness,
Freedom
From the cage
Of wire.
Immediate reaction,
Heady satisfaction,
Flowing to empty
Sadness.
Stupid reaction,
Unsatisfaction,
Ridiculous distraction.
Create, delete
Destroy,
The self essentially,
By proaction.
Creative words,
Release me,
Let me be
Creative again.
Free of deleting
Calm in rage.
Re - turn the page...