Time goes by..

I've rememebered how much I love not going to work. Sadly, this week I'm back at work after a week long holiday. I loved being free to do what I want, in fact as the years pass by, the more I want to do my own thing and be creative. I do miss the times when I used to do so many creative things with my eldest son; we did everything together, he used to sit on the back of my bike from the age of 1 year old up until he was five years old. We used to go for long bike rides, bake cakes together, go for walks, make models and paint, paint his wall together, plant seeds and grow flowers, visit friends, go to cafes and art galleries, museums, parks, train rides, etc etc. He had an active time of it and he was truly nurtured by me, as my first born child. I can't believe that he's 16 years old tomorrow!

My youngest son hasn't had the same attention as my older son, as I was working when he was 9 months old and in fact, I felt a great urge to go to work for my own sanity at this time.I was having problems with my son's Dad around this time and could feel the anger and frustration building up back then, that I sensed the best for me was to be away from both child and father during the day. This sounds cold and odd I guess but I didn't trust where my head and anger would lead to if pushed too much, back then. Looking back, I think I may've ben suffering from slight Post Natal depression and indeed resentment at my son's Dad for not getting his act together at the end of my pregnancy and not getting another job- hence putting me under alot of financial worry and strain, just as I was about to give birth! Being poor, living on DSS money and feeding mouths and thus short of money when you're having a new baby,was both depressing and hard work..
Anyway, things have changed greatly since then, however I do wish I were a little more patient at times with my kids but I know this is what working and being a single parent can mean.I have more money now but I have a different sort of freedom than the freedom I felt when I was broke.
Sometimes I think to myself, I wish I'd have met the person I love deeply, all of them years ago but I know it's silly to look back on time..I know you have to move forward and I know that things change over time. I know people change over time but essentially I feel the core of a person never changes. I know that deep down, people's softness and sweet ways, are always there but may be hidden because of hurt and mistrust and maybe the feeling that a person has made many mistakes and indeed behaved badly but doesn't quite know how to 'be' anymore..
I also know that the love felt on a deep level never changes for me..I accept people make mistakes and I accept that people are often mistrustful and angry at themselves too but I tend to remember the loveliness in a person and especially the loveliness that I know my beloved has within him..I still see this in him on many occasions..I know this core will always remain in him, I believe this greatly. I also saw the dreamer in him again on Saturday night, when we spoke about a historical place that still exists in the city and we both got quite excited about the vegetation that grows there! I know time and bad experiences can weaken and indeed harden the heart but essentially, when the heart is open to love, then the heart becomes stronger and warmer again..

The love I have, is one of great deepness...

Written in the stars

Oooo dear, when I read my horoscope today, it all makes sense and indeed rather than blaming myself, I'm going to take the easy option and blame the forces of my actions on astrology

You can be very picky about what you do and who you do it with. Currently, however, you may feel a bit more impulsive than usual. You might even get annoyed with yourself for swinging into action without your usual practical self-restraint. Don't waste energy on self-judgment; just make the most of every situation.

Hmm sounds about right to me...

Oh what a day

Today started off great - the demo in London was good and had a great carnival spirit. T'was great to hear many of the anti war and peace movement speakers too, especially Bruce Kent, Mark Thomas, George Galloway amongst others. My friend and I then decided to come back into the city for drinking. I knocked back a fair few doubles and because I hadn't eaten much, I got rather tipsy, rather quick. I bumped into a dear friend in the pub who introduced me to his mate - telling me that his mate thought I was lovely! Swoon aside, he did seem a rather sweet guy, has kids from a previous relationship and seemed to want to get to know me better. I'd rather hang fire with male interests right now cos I want to think about myself a little more right now. However, it was nice to get some attention and indeed feel that I still attract!
My friend and I met up with her boyfriend and ended up going to Bleuprint, one of my fave clubs. Sadly, the queue was enormous and we were told it could be a good while before we'd get in. So, we headed off to another club, which in some ways, I was reluctant to go to as I knew I may well bump into my loved one and actually, felt that I'd rather let him do his own thing.
Anyway, yeps he was there. We chatted some and I danced and left him to his own devices. We both ended up leaving together but then I started to ask him loads of questions and just felt like I needed some answers, which weren't that forthcoming in many ways. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I felt like I'd ended the night on a bad note and feel regretful really, in many ways.Luckily, my mate was worried about me and her sweet boyfriend gave me a lift home.
I got home and felt sad, regretful, fed up with myself and worried about my loved one. I decided to delete my Myspace blog in an act of 'spontanious hate' for cyber world.What an idiot I am. I now have to rebuild it or maybe, I should just forget it actually - what's the point in it really? There ain't any really I guess.

I'm also actually sick of the futility of clubbing and getting too drunk. Watching people off their heads and being all loved up isn't fun to me, they wouldn't be the same when they're straight and this annoys me - there's more to life than this. There certainly is.
So, new start for me. New leaf, new focus, new everything. Time to let things change.

I await with gladness

I have a lot to look forward to over the next week. I have the protest tomorrow in London, let's just hope some fanatic doesn't decide to bomb the capital whilst I'm down there! I hope to possibly go for a drink and dance after the protest, indeed there's a free party on in London, until 6am Sunday morning but I fear this is a bad idea and would rather get the bus back that I'm going down there with and maybe head into the Nottingham instead.
Next Thursday is my son's 16th birthday! 16? Can you believe it? My god how time does fly. I'm having a small tea for him, he wants nothing special to happen but a take away Chinese meal and his favourite Danish birthday cake, which I'm a dab hand at making now.
Also next week, I'm hoping to visit my loved one. In fact, I can't wait to see him again, in all honesty as it's felt like such a long time, although in reality it isn't so long really. Gosh, I have so many beautiful memories of times spent with him in the past. I also have some sad memories too but I tend to dwell on the good, rather than the sad.
I remember a wonderful night when I met him in a club and we went back to his old place and had such a beautiful time together. In fact it was close to this time last year, the beginning of March in fact!
He didn't want me to leave him in the early hours of the morning but I had to because back then, I still felt a huge responsibility for my kids at the weekend. I never wanted to leave him, in fact I wanted to lie with him until daybreak and wake with him and share time together during the day, which sadly, I never got to do and the irony is now, I can stay with him and spend time but he no longer wants that.. I guess on some level he felt extremely rejected back then;I can understand why he would've felt this and it saddens me that I possibly made him feel this way.I don't feel proud about this but circumstances were different back then and are very different now.
So, wish me luck people for tomorrow and the week ahead and I wish you all a wonderful week ahead too.

Joy and fun in half term

Well talk about heightened stress levels during this half term, so much so, that I've concluded, I'm a crap Mum. Completely crap! I yell at my teenage son, which then makes all of my energy drained, to give good time to my youger son, which then makes me feel like crying but running away at the same time. Also, now that my Mum's not here, I have no one with whom I feel I can share this angst and stress with. It's depressing. Gloom aside though......
One thing that lifted my weary heart today, was my younger son. I took him for the first time ever, to join the library. He got to choose his own special picture library card, of which he chose a card with the picture of a whale on. He also got to fill out a form for the first time. I could've cried watching him carefully write his name and date of birth, quietly whispering the letters of each word, as he wrote his details down and then looking at me for reassurance. How sweet and heart warming is that?
After we'd sorted his card out, we went on a hunt for books about castles and chose a DVD. I also searched for some short stories and settled with Anton Chekov. I figured that short stories are the way forward right now, as I'm not getting much time to read longer stories and therefore, I can dip in and out of the book and finish a story off, pretty quick.
After our book hunting expedition, we had a drink in the new refurbed library cafe area, which was also good - my son remarked about the chocolate being too hot and so we added cold water to cool his drink down. We both had a lovely discussion about a DVD we'd watched 'Troy' and which side we would choose to be on, if we were in the film. I voted for the Trojans as the king seemed more honourable and held strong beliefs in justice and fairness.

I miss not being an 'all there' Mum. I miss the time when my first son was born and life felt easier in some respects and more innocent. I loved being a new Mum and putting my all into my son..I guess as time's moved on and life has changed for me, I;ve found this role harder and harder. I also know that my job takes so much of my energy and patience that some days, I have no energy left for my home life. This sounds bad I know, but I guess that's what happens when folks choose a profession such as teaching and indeed, ending up a single parent.
I never thought my life would turn out to be as it has done, although I 've maintained a stability emotionally, it's not been easy.It has to be said..and some days I wonder to myself, if I can continually hold and indeed juggle all of the demands that are made from me re. kids and job.
I guess for me, my escapism is music, friends and daydreaming. Dreaming? Gosh, I've been having some interesting dreams again, involving my loved one. And again? Tears fall at times because I do miss him. This isn't a bad thing but a good thing because it proves to me that my feelings are still as strong and present and indeed, that I'm still able to feel.

So here's to half term rage, guilt mum syndrome, gorgeousness of innocent young children and their little ways, dreams and love..

Being a friend

Sometimes in life, you get the feeling that someone wants to tell you something but daren't. You get the feeling that because they keep implying that they're a 'bad person', that you therefore, need to be pushed away, because you're supposedly a 'good person'and deserve better; That they have such an enormous sense of guilt for their behaviour, that they feel ashamed on one level and unworthy.
In my opinion, life isn't so clear cut and black and white as that. I know people have the capacity to treat each other badly, but I always have a very forgiving heart and always will have. I try myself not to treat other people in a negative sense but sometimes I know that the most patient of people and indeed me, can be tested at times and thus respond in a sharp and angry manner when tested.This doesn't mean that I lose faith in a person.
My day job consists of working with some of what society would call the 'worst and baddest' people ever - Men and women who have committed different crimes. My outlook on these people, is to never judge anyone for what they have done but try to understand what caused them to commit such crimes. I also practice this belief in my friendships and love life (when I have one!)
OK there may be times when I have the feeling of anger and resentment but this is smoothed over for me, by trying to understand and indeed, have empathy with people.
I remember an older guy, who sort of 'mentored' me, when I first start working with excluded kids, commenting to me about how very empathetic and compassionate I was. He reminded me to never lose that sense of empathy and that it was a quality that can be difficult to come by.
So what I'm trying to say is, that to he who has been such a dominant part in my heart for the last two years, I've never viewed him as unworthy, or bad or undeserving. My heart has too much love in it to think these things about him and indeed anyone else. And indeed if there were ever anything he felt a need to talk about, I'd listen to him with all of my heart and try to understand him. But I'd never judge him for this or lose my feeling of love for him.

Time to Protest

This Saturday sees a mass protest in London against the Irag war and the replacement of Trident Missile. I'm hoping to go down to London for this, as I have the time to do this and I have huge anger and indeed feelings of injustice, about the Iraq war and its casulaties but also the amount of money being spent on Trident; being a CND member too, I feel that it's pretty much my duty to get active and show my support, along with the other protestors.
I look forward to this as it's quite a while since I protested on an 'active' level. I'm always protesting in my head and with mates, but on an active level I've been quite lazy - more because of responsibilities elsewhere than anything else. I recall the last protest I went on, was about the abolition of student grants and the protests before that, were against the introduction of the Poll Tax. I used to always do the Mayday Rally but that seemed to dwindle over time.
So time to get the banners, loud voice and a great sense of anticipation and excitement at the thought of descending en masse, to London.

I wish the clock could turn back

I know it's stupid to wish things but I wish I could turn the clock back in some ways. I wish that the last few years wouldn't have been full of so many ups and downs. I wish the person I loved would love me, how I love him. I wish he wanted to share many times with me but he doesn't. I don't care that at times he's been wrong to me, because these things can be worked on and improved.
I wish he trusted me because deep down, I feel he doesn't trust me. I can understand this feeling of mistrust, especially when people in the past have done things to cause a person to mistrust. I think people have been hurtful to him and caused him alot of grief and sadness.
I've always been true to my feelings about him and I've always wanted to share so much more with him. I guess, I'm being forced to depart him. I guess I need to try and stop thinking about him..but this is difficult for me cos he's on my mind everyday. He's on my mind when I go out at night and day. I miss him when I go out, I see his face in my mind and noone new, who I might randomly chat to and who shows an interest in me, seems to ever reach the part in me, that he does.It's like he's always a part of me, in some weird way.

Therefore in some ways, I wish the clock was back to where it was 2 years ago but without the complications that were there then and thus, I could experience the most touching moments with him, that lit my heart and soul back then and indeed over two years, again.

I also wish that we could have something more in the future but he's made it clear that I'm not a part of his future on a 'relationship' level. I know we'll always be friends but what is a person, who loves someone deeply, supposed to do with that information? What should the next step be for me? When I don't see him I miss him so much. I've dreamed so many times about being with him and sharing so many experiences, that I'm staring to think that I'm continually living in a dream world. I wish soemtimes he'd just say to me
Let's just go for it and see what happens, throw caution and insanity to the wind and go for it. Take risks and enjoy the ride...I'm a deluded optimist, it seems.

Let the fun begiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!

Great end of week and looking forward to a madness night out tonight. Last night was curry night with a load of ranting females, dear oh dear me, I'm surprised we weren't thrown out of the restaurant. At one point in the night, I realised how very different I am from many of my mates albeit a few; different views, utopian outlook on life and more that I can't be arsed to wri about.
A heated debate contained the subject about 'British Pride'. I can honestly say, I don't have hardly any pride as a Brit, I'm afraid! Just my opinion and alwasy has been to most extent. I also realise that the way forward for me, is self-reliance on many levels..feel good about my life and indeed, the ability to be alone and enjoy my own company, if need be.
Tonight should be good. I'm meeting quite a few mates and off to dance. I've been burning the candle a wee bit since Thursday but so what, I'm off work now for a wek! Hooray! Good weekend to all of my Cyberbuddies! :)

Hibernate for a day

I feel weird today. I feel like I should hibernate tomorrow, beings as though it's Valentine's Day and I never seem to receive anything. Yet, it's also my son's birthday, so hibernating is not allowed cos I need to make tomorrow a beautiful, special day for him, even though my heart feels full of woe.
I sent a Valentine's card last night, the first I've sent for probably 17 years! How mad is that? I didn't want a cheap tacky one with a load of writing on it, but one that was more subtle and indeed, didn't need any writing on it apart from a poem and a few words. This to me, said everything that needed to be said, to the person I've been in love with, for almost two years now.

I was so excited whilst I was thinking of the poem and indeed, other little touches to the card. It was lovely to experience this feeling of secrecy and yet declaration of feelings for someone - whether he'll know it's from me, is another matter. Whether he cares that it's from me, is another matter. I guess for him it'll be touching to wake up to loving thoughts from someone.

I think I need more love in my life.

Jungian fascination

I've always been interested in Jung for many reasons and indeed, in understanding myself better and indeed relating to my dreams..

Jung developed his own distinctive approach to the study of the human mind. In his early years when working in a Swiss hospital with schizophrenic patients and working with Sigmund Freud and the burgeoning psychoanalytic community, he took a closer look at the mysterious depths of the human unconscious. Fascinated by what he saw (and spurred on with even more passion by the experiences and questions of his personal life) he devoted his life to the exploration of the unconscious. Unlike many before him, Jung did not feel that experimenting using natural science was the best means to understand the soul. For him, an empirical investigation of the world of dream, myth, and soul represented the most promising road to deeper understanding. Self Realization is the final stage of Jung's stages of development and that within this stage there is still some room for growth and development. This process is also called individuation, which is the process of becoming an individual.

The overarching goal of Jung's work was the reconciliation of the life of the individual with the world of the supra-personal archetypes. He came to see the individual's encounter with the unconscious as central to this process. The human experiences the unconscious through symbols encountered in all aspects of life: in dreams, art, religion, and the symbolic dramas we enact in our relationships and life pursuits. Essential to the encounter with the unconscious, and the reconciliation of the individual's consciousness with this broader world, is learning this symbolic language. Only through attention and openness to this world (which is quite foreign to the modern Western mind) are individuals able to harmonize their lives with these suprapersonal archetypal forces.

"Neurosis" results from a disharmony between the individual's consciousness and the greater archetypal world. The aim of psychotherapy is to assist the individual in reestablishing a healthy relationship to the unconscious (neither being swamped by it — a state characteristic of psychosis — nor completely shut off from it — a state that results in malaise, empty consumerism, narcissism, and a life cut off from deeper meaning). The encounter between consciousness and the symbols arising from the unconscious enriches life and promotes psychological development. Jung asserted that neuroses and other psychological problems were not merely difficulties to be overcome or repressed, but that they represented opportunities for growth and maturation, whereby parts of the unconscious could be integrated into our psyche. He considered this process of psychological growth and maturation (which is known as individuation) to be of critical importance to the human being, and ultimately to modern society.

To undergo the individuation process, the individual must be open to the parts of oneself beyond one's own ego. The modern individual must pay attention to dreams, explore the world of religion and spirituality, and question the assumptions of the operant societal worldview (rather than just blindly living life in accordance with dominant norms and assumptions).

I agree with a lot of what Jung belives in, I also feel that I know myself better, especially since I've had more time on my own again and feel less trapped by my exterior situation. I also know, that my life is short and therefore I'm going to make the best of it and indeed be as always, a loving and kind person, to all of those who encounter me along the way. However, if people choose and 'choose' is the key word, to be unkind or indeed bad to me, then I don't want these sort of people in my life..it's not what I'm about as a person and never has been, so therefore in a few words, not right for my principles.

The season of lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvve

I've noticed all around me, in the last few days, love hearts, flowers, cards etc. Oh yes, I have to pinch myself - it's soon to be, Valentine's day! My youngest son also shares his 8th birthday on this day.
Valentine's Day eh? Well, I used to be a hopeless romantic on this day, however with time, I lost the romantic feeling this day brought.
The reasons? Living with a man who laughed at Valentine's day, moaned about how 'commercial' it was and wouldn't go down the route of making it a special time. I guess, this way of being, made me think that there was no point in Valentine's Day.
Now? I have them old romantic feelings back, now that I'm alone. I have the urge to get into the Valentine's thing but in my own special way. Agreed, I don't really much rate the mass commercialism of it but I do think it's quite a sweet and romantic time. I have visions of me being a teenager, catching the bus over to my then young sweetheart's house, carrying a ginormous, padded Valentine's card. Ohh the pangs and excitement of teen love. I haven't actually received a card for years but I did get a funny forum message last year which gave me a few giggles.

Ahh let love blossom and romance live, on this special, magical day..

Snowfall and affluence

What a wonderful night last night. Gorgeous snow started to fall on my journey to my beloved friend's place. The snow was falling that fast, that I decided to get a cab over, which was a little bit affluent really but who gives a shit! Anyway, had a lovely night with some interesting discussions, as always. I was glad to see my friend has now got his bike sorted, good on him! Another member of the human race using two wheels. Such a sense of freedom does the bike give you, a real sense of freedom, adrenaline and happiness. Well, it does for me at least.Anyway, much wine and laughter was had last night and a wonderful sense of escapism from the drudge of daily life.
Today? I've been a lazy, lazy shit. I was woken at 8.15ish by a text message from my beloved friend and then fell back to sleep until 10.30. I then went downstairs and made myself some food and read the paper a little. This afternoon I pondered with a mate about going for a curry but she declined the offer as she was wanting a quiet, lazy night in. So, I then lie in bed again reading, to fall asleep again! I had quite a few mad dreams and woke up at 6.00pm! What a lazy bugger I've been..I can't believe my beloved was up and active at 8.15! What a bloody hero and a little energy fiend.
So tonight, I'm gonna chill and get a take away i reckon, shouldn't really spend my hard earned cash on one, as I've just paid a load of money on a gas and electric bill, but hell I could be dead tomorrow like Anne Nicole Smith so - Enjoy the moment is what I say!

A topsy turvy week

This week's been a weird one. It started off pretty well until firstly, my eldest son fell ill with a flu virus and bad cough. Luckily, he seems to be recovering a little now. Work has been pretty full on, with lots of meetings and such like, although I had to take the day off today as I was at home with my son, ensuring he was OK. My ex has also been causing me a few problems which have upset me.It's funny these days because I've had enough of getting upset but I get upset so easy - almost like I haven't got a lot of strength left in me and therefore become tearful as a way to release angry, frustrated and sad emotions. Anyway, I let him stay here one night as he was stuck for somewhere to stay however, he ended up getting a bit drunk and became a little antagonistic. I'd gone to bed and said my goodnights to him, to be woken by loud music - I was fuming because I was wanting an early night and didn't appreciate being woken up by mloud music when I had to work the next day. A raging arguement ensued which ended up with me asking him to go and stay elsewhere. It also reminded me of why I'd been so unhappy with him in the past;lack of respect for me when drunk, living a different lifestyle - me working in a stressful job- him at home not really making the effort to find work, raging arguements, a massive sense of loneliness and emptiness, etc etc.
After he'd left, I felt a sense of calm and thought to myself that I really don't want to live my life in conflict with others. It's no good for the soul and I've had enough of it, to last me a lifetime.

Anyway, a nice end to the week, as I'm off to visit my beloved friend's place tomorrow night. I know I'll enjoy being with him and being in his company, even though I know I'll feel bereft when I leave him...I know seeing him will lighten my night and lift my heart.

The joys of nature

Today's been such a beautiful day, so I decided to take myself out on a bike ride and take some photos of the nature around me and in my local area. These pictures are some of what I discovered and the thoughts they stir inside of me...

I love dark, mysterious places - I love the branches and inner depth of Rhododendrum trees..

The sound of running water always gives me a sense of peace and tranquility.

The sight of the sun shining through trees, lifts my heart and my mood.

Me?

"My thinking tends to be Libertarian.
That is, I oppose intrusions of the state into the private realm -- as in abortion, sodomy, prostitution, pornography, drug use or suicide, all of which I would strongly defend as matters of free choice in a representative democracy."

Morning Thoughts

He who has injured thee,
was either stronger or weaker than thee
If weaker, spare him; if stronger, spare thyself.

Something in the air....

Thursday afternoon I became all emotional. The day started off well and I was happy. I knew I'd be visiting my beloved which made me happy although he'd changed the plans, which'd somewhat upset me as I'd looked forward to seeing him earlier on in the day. Saying that, I was glad for him because I knew his other plans were of benefit to him and indeed, necessary for him. As the day went on though, I got a really bad headache - that bad, that I had to lie down.
I bathed later on and whilst I was in the bath, tears poured out of me - a good place to cry though cos the tears just add to the water! Something inside me just became really emotional, almost like I'd been 'overcome' with a hidden emotion that hasn't been allowed to surface! Weird!! Saying that, the moon was due to be a full one; Always has an effect on, me that's for sure!
Anyway, I straightened myself up and headed to visit the person I love. Again, I became emotional on the bus, on my way there..Once I reached his place though and spent time in his company, my mood lifted and I started to feel a lot happier and lighter in my heart again. He cheered me up no end, probably without even realising, that I was in a sad mood. The weird thing is, when I'm with him, I always feel like there's a really 'strong' atmosphere.. a weird sort of 'sensual' and 'positive' energy..maybe I'm just mad and deluded and think too much about these things, but my God, the atmosphere and energy was there and intense for me, last night!
On the way home in the taxi, a radio station was discussing love and the loves people have had and lost and found again - True love in fact. One woman rang in saying she'd loved a man for 12 years. They met when she was in a relationship and ended up having a brief encounter. She knew he was her true love. 5 years later, they met again, this time both of them were married but this didn't deter them from being together - she explained it as,
'She'd tried to forget him and move on but she'd found her feelings to be too strong for this man, whom she considered her true love, hence succombing to another physical encounter with the man she truly loved again. Once again they went their respective ways, only again to meet each other again 7 years later and finally decide to be together...They both knew in their hearts that they were destined to be together...'
Blimey, what a story to listen to whilst I was on my way home after visiting the person I love! So, although my day had started a little emotional, it ended a lot more happier and reflective. I thank my loved one for making me feel happier and lighter in my heart last night..