Friday Night Fun

Well honoured readers, I had a fantastic Friday night. The night started off in a local pub, meeting some friends and then on to a Party next to a weir.One of my sweet friends gave me a belated birthday consisting of smellies to put in the bath and incense. How wonderful is that?
Anyway, the people who'd set up the party had really gone to town. It was actually in aid of a guys 40th Birthday;I never got to meet him and say Happy Birthday, sadly!
Diverting back to the party set up, there was a DJ playing some great tunes, A massive party gazebo, a roaring fire, candles and fairy lights, disco balls reflecting the warmth of the fire's flames, chill out tent for casualties, substandard toilet set up and all of this next to a rushing weir! Wow, to look at rushing water with the reflection of a full moon shining its beams, was just something else.
I managed to drink the bottle of vodka I took along together with some unhealthier substances. Saying that, I totally enjoyed the way I was feeling this night and had a smile on my face most of the night. My dear friend Liza, had been watching me dancing and we kept smiling and giggling at each other, she then came up to me whilst dancing and uttered these sweet words

"You are so lovely sweetness, I just want to give you a big hug"

What a diamond friend this woman is.

I continued the night of dancing and got chatting to some sweet people around the fire. From my hazy memory, I recall vaguely discussing the moon, astrology and water!
I managed to get embarrassingly muddy; I fell over on at least 6 occasions and fell down a hole on my way to sit on the toilet! This made me really laugh out loud! I was worried though that the toilet was going to sink into the mud and I'd be stuck in the mud, so to speak!

I finally left the party about 5.30am. Walking home seemed to take a bloody lifetime. I went into my kitchen and dreamed about my loved one. I fell asleep, on the kitchen floor of all places, to be woken by daylight peering through my window and the coldness of my body against my kitchen's lino floor. I dreamed again about my loved one being with me. All in vain, I know.

I had such a wonderful night. I love these sort of nights because they put the world into perspective for me; they remind me that life is for living and making the most out of.

If only..............

If only to lie
on lino with you
You'd make me feel warm,
all the way through
If only to hold you
so longingly tight
The world and my heart
would feel happy, bright.
Lino feeels cold
when lacking deep love
If only you'd warm it,
my sensual passionate dove.

God, the heart continues to crave. If only, the universe and you realised how much I LOVE YOU! If only you wanted to be with me forever. If only we could be as one.
I'll now shut the hell up, cos I'm seriously in 'dream mode'.

Full Moon Emotions

Wow! Wow!

What a strange day. I'm still in yearning but listening to William Orbit sorts my head out a bit, although I do tend to fantasise somewhat to his sounds..they're pretty en-trancing. I dream of sharing these sounds with a beloved. If you want some erotic-ish music to share with a loved one, try the Strange Cargo Hinterland album, Some of the tracks are just out of this world, in my dreamy opinion. Especially love 'She Cries your name', 'El Ninjo','Crimes of the future',Name of the wave' and 'Say Anything'. Wow!

Anyway, No wonder I've felt emotional over the last few days and especially today. 100% Full Moon today folks! Ooooo how I love a full moon. I'm off to an outdoor party tonight near a canal which if the eve stays as it's been today, cool and windy, the eve should be a special one. I'm sure all the wind and spiritual feeling you get with the elements will make the night extra special! Can't wait to feel the wind blow through my hair and the water rustle with my soul. Hoping there'll be an open fire too which will melt away at my heart.

Anyway here's my own astrological forecast and an explanation about the 'Harvest Moon'.

This week's Full Moon is the annual event known in the northern half of the world as the Harvest Moon. Its name is derived from the fact that it rises above the horizon faster than usual ... providing farmers with a period of bright moonlight at the end of the day.

This year, the Harvest Moon falls in the passionate and bold sign of Aries -- inspiring us to take action and follow our desires. As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries -- almost like a child -- has a tendency to be self-focused and can miss perceiving the needs of others. Impulsive and spontaneous, Aries' "go for it" attitude comes in handy when pursuing a prized goal ... but in close relationships, there's a risk of accidentally bruising a loved one's feelings.

As this particular big moon fills out the night sky, it's a good time to contemplate your close connections.


Have special weekends out there folks and thanks for all being such beautiful, kind souls to me.

Need to be annonymous

Thought for the week is

'my ever increasing need to become anonymous.'

Visual Gallery

As a way to move forward in life, I like to live out my dreams. I have loads of 'sleeping' dreams and I also have loads of future dreams. I'd love to live out my 'sleeping' dreams however, I think I may be expecting too much here. Although I do belive in fate and destiny. Anyway, without ranting on about those dreams, I've decided to search for images of places that I want to visit in the future and make a sort of, 'future place dream gallery' along my hallway. This entails creating a visual image gallery of where I must see. I may even put a few poems of mine up there too because I do dream about someone I love. Even if this dream never comes true, it'll always be in my heart, one way or another.
So, the places to go in my gallery include the following

Marrakesh - always had a wild desire to see the markets there and consume the gorgeous buildings.
Cuba - Havana - I'd love to go there before Fidel passes away but I fear this is wildly out of sight, unless I make some money..QUICK!
The Lake District - Love the mountains and the lakes together and entirely doable in the near future.
Scotland - Isle of Lewis/Skye - I just have to see where the Wickerman was filmed and also experience Scotland on some level as I've never been there.
Tibet - I've always wanted to be high up near the Himalayas and drink in the gorgeous oranges, reds and yellows of Buddhist monk clothing along with the possibilty of visiting a Monastery.
India - Always had an urge to go to India. I'd love to see the Ganges and take part in some of the Indian festivals.
Naxos - Purely for nostalgic and historical purposes.
Peru - For the music, the ancient civilisations and to ride on the trains.
Southern Ireland - to retrace the path of my ancestors.

More to be added, when I have more time. If you guys out there know of any links for good photos let me know!

That 'life excitement' feeling is returning.

Had a great day today. Feel loads better and ready to really start living life to the full, as much as I can. A great friend of mine treated me to a lovely back massage, for my birthday. Wow! How great it felt and reminded me that I really need to treat myself to this treatment at least once a month. So, I've booked a regular slot for a massage!

Had a wonder round my home town and had a lovely coffee in one of my favourite cafes. Tonight, a friend has invited me and a few others over to hers for a take away curry. Yummmmmm. I have my son also with me tonight, so he'll have fun with a few other kids tonight.

Looking forward to going out tomorrow and next Friday night and feel like having a bit of a spending spree for new clothes..we'll see! Off to see a few gigs and DJs tomorrow night and next Friday, gonna sort of 'live it up' at the awful Cookie Club, just for a bit of a laugh!

Also, I really want to get into regular walking in the Peak District;it's exhilerating, fun, peaceful, beautiful. I feel that this regular scenery and love, really helps my head and heart..and keeps me somewhat grounded.

So, here's to a weekend of fun and happiness.

Think of the weekend girl

As you know, my last blog was a little sad. I've taken your advice people and I'm gonna try and be strong and think about the points you've all discussed. So, this weekend, I'm gonna dress up fancy, gonna get out on the town and have a fun time.

Massage tomorrow by a good friend of mine.

Curry tomorrow night with some mates.

Swimming and bike riding Saturday day and possibly take in the Djanogly Art Gallery in the afternoon.

Drinking and hopefully dancing, Saturday night with a dear friend.

Thanks for all the positive comments.
xx

Please help me..I have heartache

I can't get a person I love out of my head or heart. How do I do this?

I've been 'in love' with this person for 18 months and the yearn is a constant in my heart. The worst thing is, he doesn't seem to want me on a 'lover' level. That makes it hard for me cos I've always wanted him on that level. I keep trying to move on from my feelings for him but I'm finding it harder and harder, at each day that passes; like a magnet continually being pulled and attracted to him. Like my heart is not letting go of the feelings for some reason. Like my soul never wants to forget him. I wish he felt the same. I know feelings can't be forced but when I'm with him, it feels like he has strong feelings. Maybe I've been wrong all along. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just a sad romantic who ought to get real. Maybe I'm just hopelessly in love.

I miss him soo much. I really do.

Thought for the week...........

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.

Great to get away!

As you know, I went off to Edale last weekend to celebrate my 39th with some close friends. Gotta say, it was great; great to be out there in the frsh air and open space of the peaks. God, how I'd soooo love to live there.

Here's the story of my weekend;

1. Set off Saturday with a friend and met some others along the way.
2. Hit the camping barn, unloaded and headed off on a beautiful, scenic walk, part way up an area known as Grindsbrook.
3. Sat down for an alcohol and chill out time on a grassy verge overlooking a stream for 30 mins. Drank red wine and got a little high. Giggled my head off at fuck knows what!!
4. Went to the pub and started to get rather inebriated.
5. Ate food.
6. Headed to the next pub and did the Edale 2 pub, pub crawl.
7. Went back to camping barn. Lit candles as there was NO electricity/lighting.
8. Opened bottle of champagne - well, a cheap alternative!
9. Had lots of laughter and fun.
10. Woke up in the middle of the night to go on a wander, on my own, in the darkness - nerarly shit myself, as two sheep were staring at me as I opened the barn door.
11. Woke up at 8 and woke my mates up by being the most energetyic soul, with a hangover.
12. Ate a big breakfast and went for a big walk up to Hollins Cross near Castleton and then on to Mam Tor -Totally exhilerating and splendid views to die for.
13. Left edale, after the walk and headed to The Castle Hotel for an evening dinner.
14. Returned home about 8pm.

I really needed this break. In fact, I feel that I need to do this sort of thing every other weekend, rather than hanging out in random clubs, getting evermore bored.
The feeling that you get when you're at one with nature, is second to none and reminds you what is really important in life; what life and people really mean to me.

I loved every minute of my stay. My friends were wonderful and fun.

The worst thing was coming back to the grind and the same old scene. I keep looking for jobs out there in Sheffield at colleges and the like, as I do feel that one day, I need to escape Nottingham and be closer to nature and the hills.

So.....I've now booked another 2 nights stay in a hotel in Castleton for a right good bargain of £59, in a double bedded room - all to myself, in October half term week. Can't fookin wait!

Celebrate the 39th year

39 years old now,as from yesterday. I woke up though feeling quite flat. I cried. I took my son to school. I worked. I came home. I went for a drink with a mate. I ate a chinese take away. I went to bed. I cried again.
Never in the life of birthdays have I felt so sad. I felt lonely and heavy hearted. I think I felt this way because my Mum wasn't around to wish me Happy Birthday. I also realise that I've been through alot of changes this year and maybe, I was on some level, reflecting; birthdays seem to do this in some respects.

Anyway, I was sort of glad the day was over and glad to get to bed. On a happier note, I reminded myself that I'm off for the weekend to one of my favourite parts of the world. The Peak District. I've hired a barn out with a load of mates and can't wait to get out into the open space and serenity. Although, in some respects, I want no plans. I've told my friends this as I just want to head out there and follow what my heart tells me to do, when I get there.One of my friends was staring to plan certain things and getting all 'detailed' about stuff. I really don't feel like detail at the moment and told her so. I hope she's not upset with me, but I'm jusrt being honest. I need space right now in many ways, hence my need to get out of the city.
So, although I've felt rather flat and deflated in some bizarre way, I know I'll enjoy being around those who hold me dear. I know we'll get drunk. I know we'll have a great time when we get there. I know we may have the potential to meet some interesting people.
I think I feel flat also, cos I miss my friend. I miss the fact that he doesn't care for me, how I care for him. I miss the fact that I had no birthday wishes from him. I miss the fact that I don't see him anymore. He was in many ways, my inspiration to another world. I know I'm being soft and sad but I do have to go through these emotions of grief and mourning for something that feels, like it's slipping further and further away from my reach.

People Move On

Well, recently some very good friends of mine are moving on to new pastures. One couple are off to Australia and another couple are off to Mauritius. It's sort of odd and sad to think about losing these friends as there's so much history with them. Friend 1 who's off to Australia, I met whilst i was doing an Access Course in 1994. We both headed off to Nottingham Uni together - she studied English literature and I studied Social and Cultural studies and Social Policy. I have fond memories of my friend's partners 30th birthday, one August, in their backgarden. Music, wine, drumming, great atmosphere, newly 'in love' with my then partner; the world seemed like a good place to be alive in. My friend was and still is in some respects a practising pagan. Through my own interest in spirituality and Earth worship, I gained alot of knowledge from her about Paganism and Solitary Paganism. She was also so kind to complete birth charts for my children and I. I love these birth charts as they do actually hold quite a fair bit of truth in them, I've noticed, as time's gone by.

Friend 2 - has been a constant in my life since 1992. I met her through her then boyfriend. They always seemed like the 'everlasting, happy couple'. I've shared so many great times with this couple; camping in Edale,visiting London, getting stoned and wasted together, listened to music, gone to gigs, meals, parties etc etc. They were extremely close to me whilst they were a couple. I supported my friend after the birth of her son and the break up of her relationship, which came as a shock to us all;no-one ever thought he'd end up in the arms of another woman. That made me realise that people on the outside can look so happy to the onlooker, but underneath all of that facade, there often lies secrecy, deceit, anger, unhappiness and resentment. I was truly gutted when my friend and her partner spilt up cos they'd been such 'soulmates' in many ways, to me and my then partner. As time's moved on, so has our relationship as friends. I don't see her that often but when I do, it's always special, fun, sweet, happy.

I therefore look forward to a week on Friday, as my friends and I are all meeting and going out for a 'farewell curry'. It'll be strange for me cos my ex partner will be missing from the 'once part of' equation but it'll be lovely to share and possibly cry about the special times, changes, upset etc, in our lives.

I also hope now, to visit Mauritius next year. I have an invite and just need to save my dosh to get out there, as accommodation is free!

So, I do hope the best for my friends, and I write this with a bit of a lump in my throat and a heart that feels a little weighted down, by sorrow's heaviness. Ironically, listening to Jen en connais pas by Jeff Buckley, is really giving me that feel of nostalgia too.

Miserable rant over!

Today I am released. Not from prison as such, but released in my mind. I'm now gonna get out there and start having some proper fun that I do so deserve.
Sick of being messed about and worrying about what others think about my defective personality. I know I shine like the sun, I'm as warm as the sun, I'm as bright as the sun, I give energy to others like the sun, I radiate a light around me, like the sun. I'm not deluded. I'm just a good person, with a hellofa lot of love to give.
So time to really let it all out and let the miserable rants be a thing of the past.

Off to an old colleagues 'mental leaving party' tonight. I say mental, because I know it will be. All the people that will be there, work in the homeless sector in hostels and they do tend to let it go big style; that sort high 'burn out' work entails it. Afterwards, off to see a gig I reckon and some dancing. So glad rags are

So, here's to a damned fine Friday night out and let's wait and see what Saturday brings.

Have fun out there!

Lost Love

God I feel absolutely shit.Terrible.Depressed.Pissed Off.Full of sorrow. Alone. Aching.Tired. Empty.

Don't ask why. I really don't want to splurt out the detail. I'm just so sad.

Check out this link to a good Nottingham band - especially the track 'Visceral Surgery' - Wonderful tune, that's keeping me maintaining right now.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=33890120

Sorry about a sad rant.

I wish I had a crystal ball

Well, tonight, quite by accident, I listened to a song that was played at my Mum's funeral - Time To Say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.Oh dear me, how it made me cry so much to hear this tune again. My Mum really loved this song and that's why it was chosen in her honour..and indeed the title is rather appropriate to someone's passing.
I can't believe that in a few months time, it'll be a year since my Mum's passing.I can't believe how much my life has also changed in that time too;losing my Mum, going through a break up without my Mum to support me - my Mum was someone I always confided in especially about relationship problems.
I do feel though her strength sort of lives in me though. After my Mum's death, I realised how important it was for me to find 'true' happiness, because life is so precious and can be cut short without any forewarning. I realised that I had to get out there and start to live or indeed, realise my dreams, however much this may distress me at the time. I knew I'd feel better by being true to myself about my emotions and my heart.
So, in some ways, I wish I had a crystal ball now to gain some sort of insight about where my life's going to go....

Man? Read with caution

Since my ex moved out, I'm really starting to enjoy being in the house at night time. I have space, I have freedom from the TV not being on all the time, I have no arguements to piss me off, I have no angry frown and resentment on my mind.My friends are coming over, I want to decorate, I feel more energy to want to do things, I feel calmer in so many ways and so look forward to what the future will bring.
HOWEVER..Before I get all happy and carefree, I was PISSED OFF soo much, with my ex on Satuday night.
He'd come to look after our son and I said he could stay at mine if he wanted to, as I was probably going to be late home. Anyway, he decided to watch some footie, got loads of beer in and basically, got absolutely hammered. AND I MEAN HAMMERED! Hammered in the sense that he became a fucking abusive cunt to me, when I got home.Not in the physical sense but in the mental sense; calling me names, slagging me off for various stuff he feel hard done by and basically, being a complete, self-pitying tosser! God, how I loved reminding of him of how much he'd let me down in life and how honest I've always been with him and yet I'm stuill subjected to shit from him. I REALLY DON'T NEED IT!!
I was so upset cos I'd sort of had a nice night out and was ready for my bed and peace and quiet.
So, I'm fucked if I'm gonna be treated like shit. I deserve a damned site better treatment.
Grrrwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww sorry about the 'man rant' ..I've calmed down now.

God I really want to cry my eyes out today

Well, they say bad luck comes in 3s..it certainly has done for me over these last few days.

1. I lost my mobile phone whilst I was out on Saturday night. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't give a shit about losing it but this one had some messages from my now deceased Mum and a few, from the person I hold dear. I'd purposely saved these messages as they meant something to me - being such a sucky twat and all.

2. Last night I was listening to one of my favourite CDs, fairly loud and then SILENCE! The amplifier had stopped working and no sound was to be heard through the speakers. So, I checked plug fuse, sockets, etc,etc. It seems that this amp is destined to be dead. I'm sad too about this, cos I bought it from a good friend in 1994 who was then going to live in Colombia to try and rekindle the relationship with her mother;who she hadn't seen since she was 7 years old.

3.I wake up this morning, ready and fresh for work. Since my split with my ex, he's been looking after our son during the holidays. He was supposed to be here at 9am to look after my 7 year old son. I rang him at 8.30 to ensure he was up. No answer. I rang at 8.45 again, No Answer. I rang again obsessively from 9 onwards as I have to leave the house at this point to get to work on time. It's now 9.57 and he's still not here. So, I had to ring work, explain the situation and wait.

So I'm feeling like I really need to cry my eyes out and feel fed up that A. I've lost some dear things to me and B. I'm fed up of waiting around for others who don't get their shit together and act selflessly and think about other people's situations.
Sorry about the rant, but I know I get, at least some cyber- sympathy from you guys.
All I want is someone to hug me and say don't worry and wipe my tears. My beautiful friend did that for me Saturday night whilst outside his flat. He really wanted to take me to the pub where I thought I'd lost my phone...he hugged me tightly and I felt he had a genuine sadness for me..how lovely is that. I need that now...

Booo hooo...off to have a bloody big sob!!

He who is held dear

It's been such a weird time really when I contemplate so many things that have happened. One thing that's been a 'stable' has been the love I've felt for another person. I can't go into too much detail as it's extremely personal to me but this person had a profound effect on me, from day one of meeting him. We spent 4 hours chatting and I felt like I'd known this person for ever. It was so easy to talk and share intimacy with him.I felt that our minds were sort of connected on an ethereal level.
Since then, I've thought about him every day, over a period of 18 months. When I see him now and then, everything feels OK. The world feels a good place, nothing around me matters, I get an ache in my stomach when I kiss him, I'm breathless in his intimate presence, I feel connected like I've never felt before with a person - ever. When I hold him - I feel moulded to him..I can't explain these strong feelings but he also brings out a poetic, creative, ecstatic side in me, which feels wonderful.
I treasure the wonderful times I spend with him and I miss him terribly when I don't see him. I feel this is a person who needs space, time and no pressure. I understand this a great deal, as I also need time and space on some level.
I truly feel I was meant to meet this person for some reason and I really hope that we give to each other a sharing of many happy, loving, fun, free, poetical times in the future.

Hidden Treasure

Hidden treasure are you to me
Feeling that appears
With your face and body.
Thoughts surround my mind,
Happy, eternally free.
Time in your presence,
Life makes so much sense.
Hold your body tightly
Comforts, softly invitingly.
Nothing around me matters
When in the company of you.
The world is gold and shining
Free of misery and all things blue.

The will to write

Well today I've had a very heavy conversation with a student I was teaching. It's content went along the lines of what makes sex offenders do what they do and their future rehabilitation. I can't go into great detail as this would be breaking confidetiality about this person. However, even though this man has done a horrendous crime, I had an interesting and insightful conversation, which in many respects, confirmed what I've always thought.

Anyway, at the moment I'm having a bit of a dry patch with writing. I'm just not getting the enthusiasm and passion for writing at the moment...It will return though as my mood does tend to change throughout the month!

On a positive, I have no plans for the weekend, which is rather nice - was gonna go camping but I doubt it now as the weather's a wee bit hellish for outdoor camping. A good friend has invited me to Manchester Gay Pride, which I must say, I am rather tempted as I know I'd have a wicked time there! 3 days of mentalness partying!!

However, I haven't decided as yet, so we'll see...In some ways, I'd actually just like a quiet night in with a friend or a meal out and then chilling out later, listening to music...we'll see what fate throws at me.

SABOTAGE!!

How dare Hollywood do it? I'm angry about it! The Wicker Man has been remade featuring 'Nicholas Cage'. Give me a break!

I love this film in all it's original, classic cult status. It will never and I repeat never, be as good as the original version. I hope the demned new film is a flop!

Anyway, on a brighter note here's the lyrics to Willow's song from the original Wicker Man soundtrack. This is a song to fall aslepp to with your beloved. So, all of you happy beloved souls out there, get listening and snuggling up. Ahhh


Hey. ooh, who is there?
No one but me my dear.
Please come, say how do
The things I'll give to you
A stroke as gentle as a feather.
I'll catch a rainbow from the sky and tie the ends together.

Hey, ooh, I am here.
Am I not young and fair?
Please come, say how do
The things that I'll show to you

Would you have a wondrous sight?
The midday sun, at midnight

fair maid white and red.
comb you smooth and stroke your head.

Ugh! Sick of hangovers

A summary of last night

*Got stuck on bus on way into Nottingham as there was a bomb scare - yippee :( so, didn't meet my friend in chosen venue, instead ended up in The Old Angel .

*Drank shit loads of double Vodka and coke. Cheap Vodka tastes shit, I tell ya! It's SHITE!!!Don't drink it kids.

*Met a load of punk women and sat with them in the Angel until we decided to depart.

*Ended up (well dragged in fact) to The Social. Hate the piggin place, but had a small dance.

*Got invited to House Party - declined the offer. I'm a good girl.

*Walked towards kebab house and onb the way got molested by a little twat, who will have his bollox chopped off the next time I see him! Fuckin fucker!

*Ordered and ate kebab..ONLY ATE IT COS I WAS PISSED. I should become a vegetarian again.

*Couldn't be arsed to get the night bus home so paid 7£ to get a Taxi.

*Ex boyfriend was looking after my son for me as he had nowhere to take my son last night - had a massive arguement with him when I got home about shit loads of history, shudda gone to the House Party or stayed at my mates!

* Passed out about 3.30pm.

*Woke up this morning feeling like a piece of shit - that'll teach me.

Today though, I'm also feeling HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY! Life's gonna get goooooooooooood..I can feel it in me bones!

Heal through future thinking.

Well, as you know I've had a tough time recently but managing and indeed quite enjoying life alone. OK it's weird getting into a different routine but managing to get into some sort of pattern that suits me.

I'm also a big believer in thinking and pursuing my dreams for the future. I've already been looking into booking flights for myself and kids to visit Copenhagen after Xmas for a week. Found some real cheap deals with SAS airlines which will potentially set me back £276 for 3 flights! Pretty reasonable I reckon. Credit card's gonna take the bashing for that one I reckon.

I've also been thinking about heading off to a festival next weekend. Just a local festival with an OK line up. Indeed I'm in need of some pretty debauched behaviour, which I know I'll find at a mad festival!

So guys, here's looking to the future for this woman and indeed this looking forward definitely acts as a way of healing emotional wounds.

Ashamed

No I didn't really go to see Narnia with anyone - I was trying to make you jealous in all honesty because I missed you and I was so in love with you! :( END OF!

Elvira Madigan

Watched this film again last night cos I was having problems getting to sleep. It's one of my favourite international cinema films.

Elvira Madigan (December 4, 1867 – July 20, 1889) was Danish ropedancer and trick rider, whose illicit affair and dramatic death at the hands of her lover were the subject of a famous Swedish film from 1967.

She was born Hedvig Antoinette Isabella Eleonore Jensen in Flensburg in northern Germany. Her mother was a Norwegian circus performer and her father a Danish stablemaster. Her mother later lived with the American circus manager John Madigan.

While performing in Sweden with her stepfather's circus she met a Swedish cavalry officer, Lieutenant Count Bengt Edvard Sixten Sparre (born September 27, 1854). Sparre and Madigan fell in love, but their love was impossible partly due to the fact that Sparre was married and the father of two children. After exchanging love letters for one year they ran away together to Denmark in June 1889, where they spent about one month. When they ran out of money, they packed a picnic basket, went out to the Nørreskov ("North forest") on the island Tåsinge, Denmark, and had a last meal, after which Sparre shot Madigan and himself with his service revolver. Madigan was 21 years old and Sparre 35 years old. It was 20 July, 1889.

Madigan's and Sparre's grave is situated on the cemetery of Landet on Tåsinge and is still today visited by tourists and lovers from all over the world. Their tragic love story has some resemblance to the Austrian Mayerling drama, where Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria and his lover took their lives in January 1889.

Back in Perspective

Wasn't in a mood for partying last night but it did me the world of good. It was my mates 40th Birthday, held in a small pub in Dunkirk/lenton. At first I felt a little apprehensive, as I was there amongst many people I'd never met before and the people I was expecting to turn up, didn't! So, it forced me to spark up conversations with strangers, which in fact, turned out really good.
Got chatting to an older guy from Australia about the landscape out there and my wish to see 'Uluru' at some point in my life. Interesting fact that I never realised is, that alot of Australia's land mass is desert!!
Also had an interesting conversation with someone who used to study Fine Art at Trent Poly (when it was a polytechnic) Interesting to talk to him about the 80s and how things/attitudes have changed so much regarding women's issues and the increasing 'sexualistion and objectification' of the female. What is worrying is the fact that women were pretty active on a 'feminist' level in the 80s and it seems in some ways, many women today don't really think about sexual objectification'. Really enjoyed this discussion and reminded me why I've always felt so strongly about such issues.
Also spoke about family life and how the 'modern' family is so different from when I was a child. Indeed my own family is far from traditional, as was the guys I was talking to. Indeed we both had kids from different partners and we both agreed that it's difficult to live together with someone on a long term level.
A comment from him, that's stuck in my head, is that he views the changes in family life good and a 'modern' way of being. Indeed as long as kids are loved, a good constructive relationship can be maintained between ex's, and support and understanding are present, then the 'modern' family is one to be proud of and indeed praise. I'm glad I had this conversation with someone who holds these views and has experienced continual change in their own life as a father.It reminded me that everything's OK with me, that my life's moving on to exciting and interesting times.It also reminded me how lucky I am to have such good 'healthy relationships'with both of my ex's and that we can all get along in positive and supportive, civilised ways.
Luckily, the pub served after hours which prevented me from heading off into the city cos I know if I'd have done this, it would've ruined the friendly vibe I felt at the party. Necked back a few too many drinks but I came home feeling pretty happy with more clarity in my head, than before I went out.

And tonight........I'm gonna sit down in silence for a moment and contemplate life. I'm then gonna put on an episode of Six Feet Under to give me that desired 'hit' that I so love. Happy Sunday people! x

A confusing 24 hours

Sometimes in life, it's hard to understand what you've done wrong. Yesterday was one of those days and so is today.
Someone I love deeply, upset me. I don't quite know what I've done to upset this person but obviously they have a deep-seated anger with me as a woman and the way I've lived my life.
I thought they understood about why my life turned out the way it did. I thought deep down they held me dear.
Rather than being nasty, I'm much more of a 'let's talk shall we' person.If someone has a gripe with me, get it all out in the open and talk about it together, in an understanding, cooperative way.
OK...Get the anger out, get the feelings out, get the shit out, but not in a way that causes hurt and upset to anyone.
I hope someday, I can talk a bit more openly to this person and hope at least, there's an element of understanding about my life situations, experiences and choices.

Time to be nurtured and let others give

Well, had a strange old month of it. I now am solely responsible for all the domestic stuff in my household. I'm officially living in a 'single occupancy' household, albeit my 2 kids!
It's been strange in many ways cos me and my ex are really good friends and have so much in common on a political and mindset level. We're both pretty compassionate as people and both caring in our own ways. We both have similar views about the world and environment and when I think of these good points, I shudder to think of how two people can become so distant and caught up with their own lives over time.
It's been sad to finally cut the ties in many ways and we've both had times of sadness and pain together but we both realise that this is the way forward for us as people and indeed should have happened quite some time ago in all honesty, but when finances and childcare are involved, living separately can prove extremely hard.
One things for sure, we're thus far, getting on well and being supportive to one another despite all of the changes that have taken place over the last two months.
So I hold mybreath to wonder what the future holds for me. I accidentally bumped into an old college friend from a few years back on Saturday, who was out on his stag night and his words have stuck in my head since then.

"Never ever settle for second best Sara, for you are a beautiful person who gives so much of yourself all of the time, it's now time for others to give and to nurture you."

I thought about these words on Sunday and I realise how thoughtful and indeed right, my friend is. I thank him for reminding me about these basic human needs.

Infinity?

Had a very emotional week since my return from Wales, but like this wonderful staircase, I hope that things will be looking up. I have a real love of staircases, they're sort of infinite in many ways. These beautiful stone steps are ones that belong to Harlech castle.
Can you imagine the amount of footsteps that have trodden on these steps?
The amount of years these steps have felt the different soles of shoes?
The different types of 'fashion' shoes that have trodden these steps? Heels, boots, sandals, flip flops, wedges, trainers, sneakers, pumps, stilettos.
When I walked these steps I couldn't help thinking about the women who would've walked to their destiny? What were their destinys? Were they happy, sad, depressed, elated,suicidal, in love, downtrodden, abused, slaves, ecstatic, joyous, angry, furious, woeful? and beyond?

It's just amazing how a staircase can get the mind so active!!

Change is here

Had a black bile time of it for quite a while as you know. However, change is now here in many ways I feel. In fact it's so amazing how your life can change from being one way, to suddenly change in another direction, bit like my wind blowing theory of the wind bringing change. Funnily enough the day has been a blessed windy one today which I feel has lifted my mood somehwat tonight.

One big change for me, is that I'm starting to think about my future in a more positive way since tonight! I'm sort of getting excited about what my future holds for me even though I've been in the depths, the heights are resurfacing a little. I envisage that I'm going to experience some good heights in my future.

Another change is going to be with my kids and their life. My eldest son is presently in Sweden (Sverige as called by the Danes), staying with his Dad in a summer house! How lucky is my son? He's also decided to move over to Denmark next year to live with his Dad and experience Danish culture on a daily level. A decision I agreed to only when he'd completed his GCSE's. He'll thank me in the future for this, I'm sure. In many ways I'll be so sad to see him leave his childhood days with me but I also look forward for him for the youth and young adulthood he'll be experiencing in such a beautiful city as Copenhagen (Kobenhavn) Plus, I'll have a good excuse to get my ass over there now on regular occasions!

My youngest son, is going through a tough time in some ways now but luckily, thus far, his Dad and I are amicable and trying to cooperate as much as possible with each other since our respective departure.

So, for me change is sooo at the grip. I'm starting to now think forward which is good for me - I need to focus on the future as I'm forward thinking person normally. I'm gonna start planning my birthday in September soon. I envisage loved friends to be with me and a wild time to be had. I have a faint smile on my face with the thought of this. Here's to my 39th year coming up in a short while!

A word of thanks

I know my blog gets pretty emotional at times but I've been through a hell of a lot recently.
Mum dying, 10 year relationship finally closing, the person I'm 'in love' with having unreciprocal feelings, sustaining and motivating some of the most damaged people in society via my teaching job which really can take its toll, when your own life has been difficult.
I've been extremely wobbly to say the least over the last 6 months, which has been tough. I'm now trying to maintain in the best way I know possible, this has been hard and it often takes on the form of dark thoughts and bad days.
I therefore end up using writing as a medium to express my sadness and emotion, rather than internalising and causing myself too much internal destruction and dis-ease.
Please bear with my outbursts and sorrow as you guys have been like a rock at many times and have really kept me strong! Thank you all for being so kind and caring.I also thank my friends for being so kind, understanding and supportive.

Oh, and the picture? It's one that I love, it sums up a feeling of anticipation, longing and bewilderment for me.

Imagine....

Life sucks today

Life fucking sucks today. That's the mood of me today. Fuck reading my blog cos you'll feel like fucking off and doing something stupid!
'Killing in the name of' has such a wonderful sound to me today! Go for it Rage boys!

Arghhhhhhhhh

Back in the dreary Midlands

Well, there's my son doing a bit of crab fishing whilst on hol which he was amazed by. The reason I also choose this pic to show, is the bloody fab colour of the sea! Can you believe that water can be such a beautiful colour? A colour that really makes your heart melt! Well it did mine!

Had an interesting break and it felt good to be away from the Midlands and out of the city. Of course I now long to be near the beach and the sea, as we all do when we return from a holiday.
On my return home, I spoke to my ex and ended up in a big arguement, which reminded me about how much we need to get away from the shit that often surround us! Nice!

Back to the grind! Anyone know any handsome millionaires who fancy taking on a nutter for the rest of their lives? I jest of course!!

Humans eh? Don't ya just love 'em?

Apprehensive Excitement

Off to stay in a beautiful stone cottage tomorrow in Harlech, Wales. I'm excited but also a wee bit apprehensive, as it's the first time I've been on holiday on my own with my son. I'm going it alone.
It's gonna be weird in some strange way but it's also dead exciting too! Roaming around the village as a free woman and a mother! Scary stuff!

So I plan to take my son to the castle, along the beach, swimming, train journeying, hill walking, eating out and whatever else may take mine and my son's fancy.

People give me strength and wish me luck! This woman's apprehensively excited! Although my thoughts wish my dreams would come true and a loved one, was also with me but there you go.
On a long term level...What will be, will be. One wish is, that I was loved by him I love.

God! today's a struggle

Had a load of dreams about someone I truly love last night and it's left me feeling really sad today. So, I'm having one of them 'bad' days today where everything feels like a struggle. In olden days they used to call these sort of moods 'black bile'..I certainly am a candidate for that today. But I know I need to get a grip.

Moving contemplation

Today I took my son to Birmingham airport for his annual visit to stay with his Dad in Copenhagen Denmark. This entailed a train ride there and then back again.
On the journey back, I had chance to really go 'inside' my head and think about so many things that have happened recently and contemplate these things.
I realised that life does have to move on in some way. I don't like the prospect of this and although I've offered so much of myself in many ways, I realise that for some people, it's just not for them..Simple as - and in no way, should anyone ever feel the need to force something. As a good friend's Mum says

"You can't beat the forces of nature when it comes down to true love"

So, on a practical level, I hope my son has a wonderful time in the land of the Vikings whilst I have a quiet, solitary but wonderful time in the land of the Celts! I look forward to meandering along desolute beaches at sunset and sunrise. I look forward to peace and quiet and a new environment. I look forward to hills all around me and mystical myths and legends.
On my return I hope to be renewed, refreshed and enthusiatic about what lies ahead in life and let the forces of nature, guide me to my destiny.

Understanding

Something has to give
A good life for you to live
Is all that I desire
Red anger becoming tired.
Smile back on your face
Passion to make your heart race.
Out of the depths of hell
No more fear, sadness and yells.
All I can do is comfort
Offer love so true.
Understand the need for solace
When things get rough for you.
Always a wonder to me
Always a friend will be.
Love will never die
No matter how hard I try.

Always there

Always on my mind
Always in my heart
Can't depart so easy
From beloved heart.
Always there
Since we first met
Image of you -
Can't forget.
Touch from you
In my sense.
Smell of you
Feel present.
Never before
Felt so in love
Like a higher source
Taken over, from above.

Hmm ranting poems are returning..it's cathartic!

And all because, the lady's moon is in Pisces

Moon in Pisces -

Me and a mate were discussing the amusement regarding star signs. However, I'm a bit of a believer in the Birth Chart and it's significance. I had my birth chart done years ago by an Astrologer mate and when I consider my moon sign, I think I understand everything now. My moon sign is in Pisces so here I go....

Tenderhearted and sympathetic to an unusual degree, you have an understanding of other people's feelings and needs which borders on being telepathic. You are extremely compassionate and cannot bear to see any fellow creature - be it human or animal - suffer. Because of your kindness and nonjudgmental attitude, people in pain or confusion are drawn to you for help, which you readily give. Sometimes your softheartedness is taken advantage of.

You are a gentle, poetic soul and have a great love and affinity for music. Because many of your feelings are nebulous and vague and you cannot easily verbalize how you experience life, music seems a natural language for you. You are also tremendously romantic.

Selfish Fucker

Had a funny old day at work. I had a new student attend today who declared himself to be the "centre of the universe;he wanted things right-here right-now, everything had to revolve around him..blah, blah, fuckin blah!"

Who the fuck do people think they are to assume they are the centre of the universe?

I felt like saying to him,

"well actually sweetheart let me tell you a thing or two"

1. You're not the centre of the universe - you're a mere flea sucking off the back of what we call Planet Earth.
2. Your existence is as unimportant as mine and anyone elses.You're tiny in the general scheme of planet Earth and it's longevity.
3. Sometimes we have to wait in life and learn the value of patience and understanding.
4. Stop being such an egotistical, childish idiot and grow up.

Luckily, I didn't say these things but they echoed in my mind as he was reeling off his dialogue.

Dear, oh dear me, this person really needs to realise that the world actually owes him no favours whatsoever and the only way in life that he'll be happy, is when he appreciates the goodness around him and understand that, in fact, Planet Earth is doing him a favour by letting him live on the fucker!!

Ray of light

Although I'm feeling less than happy at the moment, I've been sort of touched by some beautiful people in cyberworld. Had some sweet messages and general enquiring as to how I am..How thoughtful of those people to take the time out and be so sweet and caring. My son also walked into my bedroom today and said

"Ahh Mum, you look really nice today"

This touched my heart, the only difference today is I'm wearing a skirt! Maybe he senses I'm in a dark space right now and wanted to bring some light to it for me. I always thought my youngest son has some gift with perception.

So although I went to bed terribly sad and woke up to tears, these few things have encouraged me to get on with today.

Monday's thoughts

Had a chilled weekend at a festival near Lincoln. Danced till 4am and watched the sun rise around the festival fire, whilst being accompanied by musicians playing guitar,sitar and drums.. Fire's make you contemplate so many things, just watching flames takes you on a bit of an en-trancing journey. My journey consisted of what's happened to me in the last few years..quite alot to deal with really when I consider these things.

I returned home today feeling sort of like I'd had a good time but also really sad when I reflected about things that happened last week and also realising that I feel deflated.

At the moment I have no inspiration for poetry writing so I'm sorry about that for those who enjoy reading them. I'll post some when I feel a little more inspired.

Flat

1. How do you deal with the fact that someone you so love, don't love you?
2. Why do I keep getting upset?
3. Am I such an unlovable creature?
4. Emotions were banned today - how long did that last for?
5. Why won't his image go out of my head?
6. Do I need to abandon cyberworld forever?

These are the questions plaguing my mind today.

Monday

Today as you know is Monday.

Today I'm not talking about emotional stuff one bit. I'm saying goodbye to emotion and getting used to flatness.

I had a spaced out weekend and one that suited my headspace so that's all good.

A reminder of last Friday Night

Running to the station holding hands
Now the volcano is flowing red
Something there will change us into sand

Now we'll be forever holding hands
Lava and tephra will form our bed
Now the royal flames of Pompeii bless
All our senses...

Inspired

After my wonderful weekend, I was inspired to buy the Flaming Lips CD. On Friday night, I heard this for the first time and was taken aback by how beautiful and indeed different, the songs are on the CD. The songs take you through a range of emotions on many levels and bring a sense of clarity at times.

There are some truly moving tunes on this CD and some of the quieter, more instrumental tunes take me lovingly back to Fiday night and remembering how warm and special this time was.

Please Remember

I just want a friend to know how important he is to me and I'd miss his mind, heart and soul if he weren't around.

Just a simple thought for today..

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering you own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -every day begin the task anew.

And a poem for my friend
by Emily Dickinson

It's all I have to bring today –
This, and my heart beside –
This, and my heart, and all the fields –
And all the meadows wide –
Be sure you count – should I forget
Some one the sum could tell –
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.

An Offering

Pale blue,
I laid my head.
Pale blue to red, from your desire.
A gift for you,
Golden hair
Delicate, precious, in your care.
Aroma for you,
Love divine
An offering to you, so true of mine.
Scent of you
Remains on me
Comforts my heart, sets me free.
Muscular thighs,
Comfort me.
Moulding my body, Embracing me.

Getaway

In a few weeks time I'm off to Harlech, North Wales with my son. I love this part of North Wales as it's quite desolute in many ways but has an 'upbeat' village, set right on the top of a big hill, with art galleries, mystical castle, restaurants - even a new curry house!, long, empty white sanded beaches with large sand dunes! My, how much fun can there be had in sand dunes!
I'm hoping to head further north if finances permit and possibly go over to Anglesey for a few days.
So, I look forward to my break away but I know there'll be one thing missing from my holiday, which would make it even more perfect; The heart does yearn..but the heart and soul has beautiful memories from the weekend, of sharing good music, wine, feelings and thoughts..:)

Beautiful Weekend.

Had a truly beautiful weekend. Not giving no detail as it's too sacred to the heart but truly beautiful; Time can be so special when spent in the company of one you hold dear; Time that you never want to end.

The hills are calling my heart and soul; I need to be further ignited soon. I await longingly for this time. August the 4th is a fanciable time for a ramble!

Fruit of Summer

Cool Summer's Eve
Windy, blown around leaves.
Curtains slowly undrawn
To your beautiful soul sworn.
Nights of heavenly bliss
Ignited by a kiss.
Deep within your heart
Fire blows me apart.
Eyes endlessly transfixed
Entwined, hungrily mixed.
Beautiful tone of skin
Enticing me to step within.
Devour the fruits of your love
Tranquility, as white, as the dove.

Wild Nights - Wild Nights

Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile – the winds –
To a heart in port –
Done with the compass –
Done with the chart!

Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the sea!
Might I moor – Tonight –
In thee!

July Eve

July,you and wine
Wonderful, deep and fine
sharing with you
Happy and new.
Ecstatic Eve
Never want to leave.
Depth of your soul
Makes me feel whole.

July, you and music
Stirs the emotion.
Heavenly, beautiful desire
Relighting my smouldering fire.
A journey of wondrous pleasure
Delicate, awe inspiring treasure.
Makes me feel alive

My thoughts for today

1. I want to see my friend but I don't think he wants to see me :( I wish he did.

2. My son has decided that he's going to live in Denmark next year which I knew would come at some point in the near future. He's off there for 6 whole weeks in a few weeks time for a holiday with his Dad.

3. I feel like my life is changing on so many levels; it's quite strange but exciting too.

4. I've discovered the joys of credit cards for balance transfers!

5. I may go to a free party tomorrow I may not. I want a better offer :(

6. I like the sun and then the rain, it feels lovely on the skin.

Who was she?

She was a friendly, happy woman. Always willing to give, please, forgive and forget.
As a young woman she was unsure of her own beauty;She never felt she was very pretty. Average yes, but pretty? No!
When she was younger, she never thought of herself as a classical beauty or very attractive. She,like hundreds of other women in western society, compartmentalised and visually dissected her body parts; Face? Too fat, Legs? Too short, Stomach? Too pudgy, Bum? Too big, Nose? Too big and wobsided, Eyes? Too small, Lips? Too thin. She endured this body fascism for a good 20 years of her life.

The men she'd met throughout her life never really appreciated her for her outer beauty. Her inner dialogue regarding herself, went along the lines of ..
"maybe she wasn't really that attractive, maybe she didn't deserve to feel that she was that special in their life, maybe they'd met better people before she came into their world who they cherished on a more visual level, maybe they were happy for second best" Little did she realsie at that time, that she was putting up with second best in many ways.

The men in her life who'd meant something special to her throughout the years, would compliment her on her lovely personality, her beautiful hair and eyes. As soon though as they complimented her on these things, they'd often like to stick the destructive knife in using negative comments about her body, behaviour. Indeed making fun of her on a passive level, when friends and family were present. Sly comments, digs about body shape and size.
Fuckers! These men weren't wholly appreciative of who she felt she really was. They didn't seem to see the 'whole picture' of her inner-self and her inner-dialogue; Her passion for life, her lust for true companionship and love, her love of finding out about new things, her desire to search for new experiences, her excitement about what some would class, as trivialities, her gullible, soft nature.

Gullible. Her friends used to joke with her about that word. Gullible? She used to think about that word and it's connotations quite alot when she was younger.
Gullible? One who is easily taken advantage of.
In many ways she hated to think herself as this. She went more along the lines of
"If a person likes to think of one as gullible and takes advantage, then they have to take responsibilty for their behaviour and actions"
She wasn't gullible! No she was just kind, caring, compassionate, loving and wanted to see no harm done to anyone. She wanted to be a friend to those she loved and to the new people she encountered in her life.

Only now, she's a tougher woman with a soft core. She loves her body (most of the time) Her inner dialogue tells her that she really does deserve to be cherished like nothing before, loved as passionately as her fantasy has always wanted, desired as a goddess would have been desired in mythical stories, seen for who she really is and not as others think she is.
These recent thoughts about herself, are a rare gift from one who makes her feel like she is truly loved when she encounters his prescence.

Today I'm a Hypochondriac

Today I've been on yet another course. I've been stuck in a room with no windows and fake air conditioning. I HATE AIR CONDITIONIONG. IT MAKES ME FEEL ILL.

So although in spirit, I feel rather well and bouyant, in body, I've had some weird ailments since Monday. Sickness, Pains in my lung area, feeling nauseous. I'm putting it down to being stuck in the same training room, around 38 people all sharing the same unclean air and germs. YUK!!!

Air conditioning stinks!

Missing

I miss you,
Like I miss
The falling snow at yuletime.
Fresh, white, dullness out of sight.
The sunshine on a midsummer's day
Warm, sensual energy, radiating light.
The warmth of an open fire
Desirable flames burning fiercly away.
The white frost on a cold winter's day
Icicles slowly melting away.
The burnt out leaves in autumn
Fate decides where they will stay.
The buds rearing their heads in Spring
Freshness, bright bouncing into sight
I miss spring, summer, autumn, winter
Without you.

Monday Inspiration

I've been on a really good training session today. It was supposed to be about drug awareness but sort of ended up about one mans battle with addiction. This in many ways, was far better than any drugs awareness training I've attended in the past and I've attended a fair few over the past few years; safe injecting (not that I inject), drugs and withdrawal, toxicology etc etc, addiction issues etc etc.

In all the years of being around the opposite sex either on a relationship level, professional level, friendship level, I've never heard a man be so humbly open, honest and brutal about his own feelings, inadequacies, downfalls and failures albeit with positivity, hope, love and understanding.

Here in front of us all, stood a man that left home at 14 years old due to the aggressiveness and brutality of his drunken father.
Here was a man, who left Ireland for London and ended up living on the streets for over 12 years as both an alcoholic and drug addict.
Here was a man who so eloquently talked about the unconditional love his wife had for him, even though he felt unworthy of her love due to his low self -esteem, unconfidence and inner hate.
Here was a man who declared his past white lies and numerous people that had fucked with his head along the way.
Here was a man who preached about the importance of maintaining the virtues of compassion,love, hope and giving of ourselves in a non judgemental way.
Here was a man who, despite all the shit, managed to find the strength from within and with the help of friends and family, turned his life around.
Here was a man who now manages 2 homeless hostels sucessfully, has a caring relationship and shed loads of love and warmth to give to others.

His story was truly inspirational, sad but happy, negative but positive and reminded me that even when we're at the lowest of the low in our hearts and minds, with strength, admitting our faults but not dwelling on them, receiving love from others, we can always find a way out of the darkness.
His final comments about love and the decisions/actions we make in life were really touching and thought provoking.

On love -
"Unconditional love is as necessary as the air we breathe."

On our behaviours and actions -

"If you always do what you've done, you'll get what you've always got"

I dedicate this writing in his honour and I'm so grateful to have experienced his thoughts.

Sunday's Poem

Contemplation about someone I love and miss so much, has led me to this beautiful poem.

The Giver of Stars by Amy Lowell

Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten.


Beautiful writing, the words feel just so right!

Strange Happenings

Just as I was about to go to bed tonight, I received an email from a very old friend from Copenhagen, Denmark. The last time I spoke to him was probably back in 1992!! I was shocked that he'd managed to track me down, although he'd been in touch with an another friend, who'd given him my email address.

The funniest was, he chatted about a guest book he used to have way back in 1989 and had come across it again and wanted to contact certain people from that period. Dear me, I remember clearly writing in that guest book! My writing went along the lines of something like this...

'Sailing down the river on a beautiful day, admiring all the sounds and sights around me. Thanks to my Danish friends for showing me such beauty'

This particular day I remember clearly..A group of us had decided to catch the train to a huge lake in Sorgenfri/Lyngby and hire out a boat to sail on and then go for a picnic on a small island. We ate, we played, we laughed, we dreamed, we drank, we shared our fears and our utopian thoughts...Indeed, this was a wonderful day and made me so happy to be living in Denmark.

This time in my life was wonderful;carefree, fun, happy, loving, sharing, exciting, creative and ecstatic at times. I'm so glad I experienced these feelings so early on in my life.

So, what's to be with my friend? Lots of catching up to do I reckon about our own lives, kids, families, etc etc, and a fair few giggles about how we may've changed, physically and mentally in our lives.

Festivals are upon us

Ups and downs, highs and lows, one things for sure, I'm getting excited about a small festival in a few weeks time. I love festivals - they're just the business!
Off to the Global Peace Village Gathering just outside of Nottinghamshire - Lincolnshire area. Still haven't got my shit together with my ticket but sending off for it tomorrow! Let's hope I'm not too late :(

Festivals are the spirit that keeps your heart beating through the summer months. Every festival I've been to has always had its special, memorable moments. Glastonbury first time in 94, was a memorable one for me, cos I remember seeing Oasis when they were just getting big. I also remember loving the dance vibe there, that year. I also loved to see all the fence climbers pouring over the perimeter fences. 94 was indeed a packed out year but the atmosphere was one to die for I can tell ya!! I also remember losing my sense of direction and for the life of me couldn't find my tent - it took me about 3 hours to find it.

Canterbury Festival 2004 was another fab memory - the dance tent was out of this world with a great line up. I spent most of my time on another planet, me and my mate drank the Sangria tent dry, even though we were stall holders!! We met some wonderful, friendly people that year in the local pub on the first night an remained friends with these guys right the way through the festival.

Glasto 2005 - What can I say? Blew me away!!The dance field was enormous and all of them beautiful flags blowing softly in the wind. The Hare Krishna tent was an emotional and enlightening awakening for me. I cried in there to the chants and the atmosphere!
Lost Vagueness? Wow - what a vibe, what a crowd, what a bloody great time - 6am and I was still up for it!

So I await the small, low key, local festival with the same anticipation and festival angst and energy, one always feels at a festival!

Sometimes

Sometimes in life we try so hard and indeed believe in, attaining the things we so desire. This can come in the form of material goods, love, friendship etc.

Sometimes in life, trying, hoping, believing and loving is simply not good enough; It just doesn't get you anywhere. Indeed we have to accept that trying, believing, hoping and loving sometimes has to left on the backburner...as much as, we still love, hope, desire, try.

I remember my Mum used to say this funny phrase when I was younger..

'You can't fit a round door in a square hole'.

How true is that?

In other words you have to face up to your inabilities, loss and learn from this; somehow, take a different path for the time being.

A sad, if not contemplative, thought for this day...

Training courses and disruption awakenings

Why is it, that when people like teachers, ie. ME, attend training courses, they become disruptive?
I've spent the whole day and another 4 days to come, on an ILT training course. OK on some level I've been a model student but as time passed by today, the urge of feeling disruptive appeared in my sad brain! Not in a naughty sense of the word but just to provoke a laugh in the rest of the class!
One incident in particular, had me laughing hysterically. We'd all split into groups and one group had to do a presentation on mobile phone technology and the advanatages of texting! All good and true!
However, when it came to the disadvantages of texting, I laughed out loud when one of the disadvantages was 'can cause addiction in folks'!! Fucking laugh my arse off I did, at this one. For some reason, I found this hilariously funny.
Furthermore, by the last hour of the session I was lolling(lying around) all over my computer chair. No upright to attention, for this girl. No, I was sucking the end of my pen (nice), lolling over brand new chairs, surfing the web secretly whilst the teacher was talking and whispering to a colleague whilst the teacher was talking. What a nightmare I am as a student!!
So...today has been pretty lightweight on the disruptive front, although I do fear, it's gonna get worse as the days pass by....

I could kick myself

Sometimes in life you really want to kick yourself. That's been my thoughts now for the last few days, not in a beating myself up sort of way but just in a wishing sort of way.

1. I really need to learn how to be more patient.
2. I wish I'd have said so many things of more meaningful importance, whilst sharing time with my beloved one on Thursday.
3. I wish I wasn't so flippant at times.
4. I wish my brain worked a little faster and thought of these things whist 'in the moment' rather than 'on reflection'.
5. I have so much I want to say but find it hard at times and then I miss my chance to say it for ages!
6. I want to lie in bed for a whole day, soaking up so many things...SOON!! 2 weeks on Friday is indeed a good time for this. Poor me, I'm on a training course this week, including Friday and then a development day next Friday..arggghhhhhhhh

My love affair with Reggae

For some reason today, I've had a few Bob Marley tunes in my head. The first tune was 'Waiting in Vain' and the second was 'Natural Mystic'. Both of these songs stem from the Exodus album, one of my favourite Bob Marley albums. As a teenager, I was wild about reggae and all things associated with it! My collection of reggae consisted of;

Bob Marley
Scientist
Yellowman - misogynist that he is though!
Sly and Robbie
Gregory Issacs
Linton Kwesi Johnson
Purpleman
Peter Metro
The Naturalites
Clint Eastwood and Genral Saint
Sly and Robbie

To name a few!

I remember my first ever all nighter when I was 15 years old at the old Palais in Nottingham. The upstairs was reggae focussed; Rastafarians, ganja, hats, heavy bass, high!!The downstairs was funk focussed.
I was underage in this club but luckily, my older sister was looking after me, as my Mum and Dad were on holiday and she decided that I'd be better going with her to an allnighter, than staying 'alone home'. Thank fuck for her wise insightful thoughts!

I remember loving this night and the music so much...so much so, that it's influenced my music taste continually throughout my life.

Summer senses

Open your ears up in the summer and what do you hear? All I've heard today are the songs of birds, rustle of trees and leaves, splashing and flowing of water and children's laughter and happiness.

How lovely is that?

Wow, it enables you to appreciate the simple, pleasantries in life.

Happy listening!!

Life's looking up

Well, it's been a better week this week and things are definitely moving up. I had a beautiful evening on Thursday and really didn't want the night to end..indeed my thoughts keep wondering back to this night, bringing a warm smile to my face and a glow in my heart.These sort of nights are so special and really tug at my heartstrings. The simplicity of sharing common interests, music, books, feelings and warmth with another, are what make life so worthwhile. I really hope I will relive a night like this again soon. Indeed I'd much rather share a night like this in many ways, than a mad raucous night out, getting wasted!!

Last night I went to see the Banco gig, which was great and as always, quite a spiritual experience. The visuals were really thought provoking and used wisely. In many ways, it's refreshing to see musicians using images with meaning and not just some 'psychaedelic trippy image'.
By this, I mean images that have a conscience; politics surrounding the oil industry, environmental issues, consumerism, religious and cultural tolerance, negative effects of the beauty industry on people and most poignantly, the future of life for humans on the planet. Questionning where we're heading as people and as societies in the future. All of these images really left you thinking about so many of these issues.

I feel like life's changing and positively moving at the moment which feels rather refreshing and exciting all the same.

A beautiful eve

A beautiful eve
To be with you
Look out your window
Admire the view.
Contemplate life
Old and new.
Sharing thoughts
Troubled and true.
Kiss of your lips
Truly divine.
Soft, giving, sensual
Heady as wine.
Feel your warmth
Unfold with mine.
Poetical beauty
I await your time.

Happy Summer Solstice

Falling on or about June 22nd, the Summer Solstice is a time of light and of fire. It is a time to reflect upon the growth of the season: the seeds that were planted in the earth and the seeds planted in our souls. It is a time of cleansing and renewal. It is a time of love and growth as well.

As the sun spirals its longest dance,
Cleanse us
As nature shows bounty and fertility
Bless us
Let all things live with loving intent
And to fulfill their truest destiny

Solstice, Midsummer or Litha means a stopping or standing still of the sun. It is the longest day of the year and the time when the sun is at its maximum elevation.

This date has had spiritual significance for thousands of years as humans have been amazed by the great power of the sun. The Celts celebrated with bonfires that would add to the sun’s energy, Christians placed the feast of St John the Baptist towards the end of June and it is also the festival of Li, the Chinese Goddess of light.

Like other religious groups, Pagans are in awe of the incredible strength of the sun and the divine powers that create life. For Pagans this spoke in the Wheel of the Year is a significant point. The Goddess took over the earth from the horned God at the beginning of spring and she is now at the height of her power and fertility. For some Pagans the Summer Solstice marks the marriage of the God and Goddess and see their union as the force that creates the harvest’s fruits.

This is a time to celebrate growth and life but for Pagans, who see balance in the world and are deeply aware of the ongoing shifting of the seasons it is also time to acknowledge that the sun will now begin to decline once more towards winter.

When celebrating midsummer Pagans draw on diverse traditions. In England thousands of Pagans and non-Pagans go to places of ancient religious sites such as Stonehenge and Avebury to see the sun rising on the first morning of summer. Many more Pagans hold small ceremonies in open spaces, everywhere from gardens to woodlands.


So Happy Solstice out there all of you.

I'm also sending loving energy, hope and peace to a beautiful friend, whom I adore and love so much (P.G.) xxx

Change is as good as the rest!

Well had a pretty heavy month or so due to domestic, homelife stuff, which I ain't gonna go into. However, the lyrics that keep appearing in my head go along the lines of
'Cos I'm free to do what I want, any old time' Ok, not any old time cos I have kids but a sense of freedom is now filling my head!

As a favourite poet of mine on LL forum states,

"you have to have the courage of your convictions"

True and insightful words from one who knows what he's talking about, even though it may take a bloody long while to feel strong enough to really get there, you do finally get there in the end!

Confused?? I'm not! Oh no,no, no, I look forward to what's really awaiting me now....

Bored as Hell!!

Well, I'm pretty sick of this football malarchy...my son wants to watch it, so it means I'm spending time in the upper quarters,of my house!ie. the bedroom. Hmm if only....no!!... I'll keep that thought to myself for today!!
I've decided to read an old favourite book of mine again - The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I read this book years ago and loved her style of writing, indeed it flows so well..I've already read chapter one and already I'm hooked again!! So I'm all things lost in book for the moment.

I wish...............

To see your face would be a delight
Whilst I'm out on Friday night
To feel your touch would be a pleasure
The wonder of lost, but found treasure.
To hear your voice would be like honey
I'd laugh, a smile so bright and funny.
To look into your eyes, my heart set on fire
Magical journey, a mountain, elevating me higher.

Buddhist thoughts.

I've recently started re-reading a book by the Dalai Llama - Ancient Wisdom, Modern World. I've always been really fascinated and indeed 'enlightened' by Buddhism as a belief system. I'm particularly enjoying the chapter on the 'Individual and Ethics' especially so, because it discusses negative emotions and how they can be harmful to us.
Indeed most of us, during times in our life experience negative emotion. In Tibetan, negativity and emotional events are known as 'nyong mong' meaning 'that which afflicts from within'; afflictive emotion.

"All those thoughts, emotions and mental events which reflect a negative state of mind, inevitably undermine our experience of inner peace.. All negative thoughts and emotions such as hatred, anger, pride, lust, greed, envy and so on - are considered to be afflictions in this sense....we may find that these afflictive emotions are so strong that, if we do nothing to counter them, they can lead us to a point of desperation...indeed negative thoughts and emotions are what obstruct our most basic aspiration - to be happy and avoid suffering."

In times of chaos and destruction it's sometimes worth thinking about this. In many ways, when I feel negative, angry or lash out at others or myself, I'm actually causing more damage and suffering to myself in the long run.
Therefore, although difficult at times, it can be refreshing to stop and think about ourselves and how precious and delicate we all are as people; we need to step back and remind ourselves that it's not easy living in these times of hatred, war, violence and oppression but we can help ourselves by not being too hard on ourselves or others. The inner source of all of us, will then have more clarity and peace of mind.
We also need to remember, that there is a lot of love out there in this world too, and indeed as humans, we all deserve to be nurtured like a flower and loved, if we're not nurtured, then the delicate flower will slowly wilt and die rather than blossom.

A message

Today I feel rather at peace, don't know why, can't explain it. All I know is love conquers so many things. Indeed it lets you forgive a person, for whatever pain or hurt they may at the time, not realise they are inflicting.
I also know that I have to let my love find his way and choose his destiny and path in life, without my interference. I have to act selflessly and let him contemplate life's future.
I'm always here for him despite any wrongdoings he feels he may've caused. Indeed just thinking of the 'true' him brings a lovely smile to my face and a warm feeling in my heart.
On a philosophical level, I like to believe that people are sent to each other for different reasons in life. Whether it be a learning experience, a loving experience, an awakening, a insightful experience, these meetings of minds are all sent to us to help in our life's learning and reason for being here.
That's my thoughts for this Monday. Have a peaceful day out there.

Sara's Ten Commandments

Beings as though it's a Sunday, I thought this list was quite apt!Hope you like it!

1. Thou shalt not go out when strapped of cash.
2. Thou shalt not drink cheap Vodka, as an alternative to Smirnoff.
3. Thou shalt not get wasted when feeling fed up and cry like a lunatic.
4. Thou shalt not eat kebabs and chips when wasted.
5. Thou shalt not try to prevent conflict amongst angry pissed up men, in one of the most dangerous cities in the UK.
6. Thou shalt not cry on the bus whilst wasted.
7. Thou shalt continue to avoid eye contact with letchy pissed up men, in dodgy bars. My heart is reserved.
8. Thou shalt not send unwanted emails, texts etc, when sober or pissed.
9. Thou shalt avoid falling into a fantasy world, especially when going to bed.
10.Thou shalt not shout at mates when they something you don't want to hear.

Here I go again

Well, me again, bored on this Friday and sick to the back teeth of being skint! Can't afford to do anything at the moment which really pisses me off, especially when I go to work in a so called' professional' job! It really takes the piss! Sometimes I think to myself, I should've done what my brother did and becaome self-employed! Maybe I'd be financially better off than I am now!
Anyway less of this moaning about money, many more people are alot worse off than me, with alot more to worry about and indeed different worries than I have right now.At least I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a bike to get me around!
I think in my case, I've just been rather flippant with money over the last few months, indeed paying for my cottage stay is going to take a large chunk of my salary from my next wage, but goddamit, I deserve a fucking holiday!
Been for a gorgeous swim today, my it was so refreshing and lovely to be in an empty pool of cold water. Totally takes my head off to another planet I can tell you!
I've been brave today, I won't say why, but I await. Don't know if I've done the right thing but time will tell.

Can't wait for next week and the Banco gig, I'm just so excited! I'm getting that manic feeling now just thinking about the music and dancing! Thank the Gods and Godesses for wine and music! Where would we be without this in our lives, I ask?

Friday thoughts

Here I am on this Friday, still not sleeping very well, woke up today at 5.45am!! So unlike me to keep these recurring patterns of waking up early. Feels like there's a strange sense of something in the air, don't quite know what but I keep on feeling like something is going to happen!
Anyway, been listening to Van Morrison quite a bit recently. Never really been a huge fan of Van Morrison, mainly because I get sick of hearing 'Brown Eyed Girl'when I've been to certain bars or clubs!! Granted he's a good singer and songwriter but he's just doesn't hit my core like Jeff Buckley does.
Anyway, I borrowed 'Magic Time' from a student who I teach, in one of the probation hostels and loving quite a few tracks on this album, especially 'Stranded', 'Celtic New Year', 'Gypsy in my Soul', 'The Lion this time' and 'Magic Time'. Beautiful songs and lyrics that I'm actually liking.

Stranded
I’m stranded at the edge of the world
It’s a world I don’t know
Got no where to go
Feels like I’m stranded

And I’m stranded between that ol’
devil and the deep blue sea
And nobody’s gonna tell me, tell me
what, what time it is

Everyday, everyday, it’s hustle,
hustle time, hustle time
Everyday and every way, one more, one more mountain to climb

It’s leaving me stranded
In my own little island
With my eyes open wide
But I’m feeling stranded

Every, every, everyday, it’s hustle time
Every way, one more mountain to climb

I’m stranded between the devil and the deep blue sea
There ain’t no where else to be
‘Cept right here and I’m stranded

Summer time

Looking forward to July as I have planned a few good things for the summer. I'm off to Harlech in Wales with my son to stay in a cottage for a week. I look forward to return to Harlech, as it's quite an enchanting place. The cottage is also situated right near Harlech Castle, on top of the hill.
The beach out there is also beautiful; pure white sand and lovely sea with loads of dunes! I love beaches that have nothing around them apart from nature. I'm afraid I'm not one of them people who likes promenade type seaside towns, instead, I get a real buzz from the natural coastline and the nature that surrounds it.
I'm also pondering whether to take a few days and head up to Anglesey, as it's a place I've always wanted to go to. I may well head to a youth hostel and make the most of being in North Wales.

I've also semi planned to go to a festival near Lincoln;just a cheapish affair with local bands and a dance area. Always need a dance tent me, to really let it go!Also found out that you can have fires which is just fab, as I love outdoor fires! There's nothing better than huddling up near a fire, in the dark, on a summer's or for that matter, winter's night!

The times they are a changing

I must apologise to anyone who reads my blog and gets fed up of it being fairly emotional. Saying that, I did create the blog as a personal journal, as I'm at a weird point in my life. So in many ways, it's intention is being fulfilled and this writing is surely working on a cathartic level.
The last few days have been extremely emotional. I've been getting upset throughout the day and have felt literally, like everything is piling up on top of me. I spent most of yesterday getting upset at random points; on the bus to work, whilst teaching, when back at home, on sleeping, on waking.Sounds bloody depressing, I know! I think, in many ways, this is the result of opening my heart by writing poems and reevaluating stuff in my last blog post;This has stirred up alot of emotion in me. I don't see crying bas a bad thing though, crying's a way of dealing with raw emotion and letting it out so to speak...a bit like purging in some strange sense.
I await the day when I can sit back and feel like someone is truly nurturing, caring and deeply loving me. I'm not going to search for it though, it'll come to me if it's supposed to.
I do feel there's light in the distance and good times are coming to me, hence the title of my rant today. Good old Bob Dylan, I love some his songs.

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

Love to all of you caring compassionate souls out there - you make the world a beautiful place.xx

One woman's start of a story....

Once upon a time, there lived a young woman who wanted to experience life and all it had to offer. Along the way though, other responsibilities came into place such as children and motherhood. Anyway, as the mother of her first child, she was a committed, dedicated mother with mountains of love to give.
With the birth of the second child, the story was a little different. Throughout the pregnancy she experienced conflict and lack of appreciative support from her partner. Because of this, she became aggressive and mistrustful, suspicious inside and thought people were being nasty, when in actual fact, her mind was playing tricks on her and her hormones were raging. All she really wished for was the loving support of the boyfriend. She'd go to bed alone wishing her partner would be there with her to share her daily stories, experiences and love. This was not forthcomimg.
One day, whilst in a cafe, she felt the most strange urge to 'lash out' at a stranger because of his perceived bad opinion. Luckily, she refrained from this violent act, but it taught her a truth; a truth about where her head was and the emotional pressure and stress she was enduring.
On New Year's Eve, before the child was born, she experienced awful conflict with the partner even though she was 8 months pregnant. Through discussion though and hope, this conflict was resolved although, the mother felt a sense of mistrust and resentment from now on.
Over the years, the conflict was buried but reared its ugly head, mainly, when the partner or herself had been drinking.
As time went by, the mother started to feel unloved and neglected. She endured night after night of lonely sleeping, when deep down inside, all she wanted was to share a loving, caring relationship with a soulmate; she felt as though her passion and depth were being supressed and stifled.
Luckily though, she was a strong character who ensured she experienced fun in life. Fun in life now meant, time with her friends and escaping her home life on some subconscious level. Offers from interested men became apparent over time, even though she was still dedicated to the son of her father, the last thing she wanted to do was upset and indeed, hurt anyone.
She met a friend at work who indicated a liking for her; She refused.
She met a friend at college who indicated a passion for her; she refrained, even though, she quite liked this person. Indeed, to her, she still had hope and love for the son's father.
However, One evening she encountered a rather profound meeting with someone with whom she experienced a strange connection to. A connection that was difficult to comprehend. She tried to put off this person because of her situation, but he wouldn't have any of it. No, he really wanted to maintain some form of contact, even though she explained her situation. This person left a mark on her heart. She couldn't explain why but he just did. She felt as though she'd always known him and felt so comfortable in his presence; Because of these things, she contacted him again and arranged to meet him. The feelings seemed to be mutual.
On meeting her new friend again, she realised that she had extremely strong feelings for this person and she sensed that he did her.
However, complications and life seemed to prove the winner over affairs of these hearts, even though she'd encountered some of the most beautiful, deeply touching moments with this soul.
As time passed by, she'd randomly bump into her friend and share lovely, special, warm times. These times, however, were often all too short lived for her liking and replaced by destructive times, which she felt she had no control over, which in turn had a negative effect on her psyche and heart.
Deep down, she felt this was the person she really wanted to share everlasting times with but didn't know how to acquire this or indeed didn't want to put any pressure on anyone.The last time she saw this friend was truly magical but because of previous rejection, she did'nt know how to react afterwards to her friend; scared and fearful about further rejection.
To be continued...............

Drop in the ocean

Umming and ahhing about the Drop in the Ocean event tomorrow in Nottingham. There's quite alot of stuff I'd like to see, mainly the acoustic and unplugged stuff to be honest, as I think this suits my mood more on a Sunday.
I've also been tempted to contact the friend whom I miss so much, to see if he'd like to meet up with me, as I know he loves and indeed, plays guitar music, but I'm worried as to what response I'll get...so I'm in a dilemma as to what to do.
I suppose in all reality, I should wait and let him contact me if he really desires. Failing that, who knows, it'd be nice to think that I may bump into him unexpectadly some time soon. We'll see.

Afternoon blues

Today started off well. This afternoon has been hell. I come upstairs to my 'own space'to be bugged by my kids about wanting to go on the PC. Fair enough, I say but I've only been on it a bit today, this causes some right friction between me and my kids, I can tell you. YELL, SCREAM, SLAM, BANG!! Domestic Bliss!!
And another thing, they hang around me, in my personal space, ie, MY BEDROOM, when all I want is to read for 5 minutes! So the rage levels have soared. I need some solace, I really do.
And another thing,

I bloody miss you,
I bloody do,
I miss your smile,
I miss your fun,
I miss your humour,
You shine like the sun.

Weird feelings and Jose

What a beautiful, fine day it is today. Just a slight refrshing wind blowing strange thoughts in my direction. Can't explain the thoughts but they feel rather peaceful but also as though something's going to happen. Strange.
Been listening to a wonderful singer, songwriter recently, Jose Gonzalez. A dear friend Helen, put me onto the joy of Jose Gonzalez last year. She invited me to his gig, which sadly, I declined because of other commitments. I'm sad I never made the gig because his music is just touchingly beautiful;Beautifully suiting the way I feel on this beautiful summer's day.

Sunny Days

Well, today's a better one. Sorry for the miserable rant yesterday. I seriously need to get a grip and move on from this head space. So I've decided to look forward today and change a few things.

1. Limit cyberworld visits and get back into the real world, possibly giving up my frequent visits to a forum, that really, I need to withdraw from.
2. Go for a long swim today and enjoy my garden.
3. Get out there in the world and enjoy what I find.
4. Look forward to my Wales holiday in July.
5. Head to a cheap festival with my mate Anna in July.
6. Remember the nice times, erase the nasty times and forgive.
7. Remind myself that sometimes in life, people just aren't as 'in love' as you are, even though my gut feeling seems to tell me different.If it's 'real' then given time, my dream will come true.
8. Reaffirm my need to feel a deep love from someone that really loves and wants me.
9. Choose my friends wisely.
10.Remind myself that I may possibly be somewhat deluded at times.Who knows?

Deflated

Do you ever have them days where you feel just deflated? Well today's one of those. We all have them and I'm not gonna deny them...
Possible reasons...

1.The loss of my Mum last year
2.Missing my friend and his soul, on a daily basis.
2.Moon phase is 89% full.
3.Putting loads of energy into a really good project at work (different interactive workshops for vulnerable learners, which included:
DJ Skills, Construction, Engineering, Music Production, Beauty, Photography, Catering, Motor Vehicle maintenance,Creative Writing to name a few.
I've now been informed that the project has now been cancelled due to an SMT decision regarding a development week, which coicidentally, clashes with the day of my project!! Top-down management style there for you!

I wish dreams could come true but there's no use in wishing, I suppose.

The colour of memories

Just a few colours on my mind today!

Bad thoughts disintegrate,
Like dust settling elsewhere.
Alone, I remember the good
Thinking, if only 'we could'
Black and white are you
No in between shade or hue

You radiate a light so bright,
A heartfelt, melting smile.
Red, you burn through my heart
Blue, when we're apart..

Gold when I see your face
Gold when I'm in your space
Gold when I hear your voice
Gold you're my colour of choice.

Karma V Guilt?

Well, I've been ill with a summer type fluey thing for the last few days, so spending time watching the TV and Cybersurfing too much!!
I had such a laugh tonight watching My Name is Earl. I don't know if any of you are interested, or indeed watch this series but tonights was one of the funniest I've seen in quite a while. Earl decided to payback no.1 on his karma list. This entailed giving some money back to someone he had stolen from many years ago with a load of intricate diversions along the way.
Anyway, the reason I write about this is my interest in Karma. Is it true that 'Karma gets you in the end?' Or something has 'Bad Karma?'
Karma definition = Deeds or actions that have consequences. So in other words if I do something that causes harm, I'll sort of receive bad karma.
This principle in many ways is similar to the Wiccan belief of An harm none. In other words, 'Do as you will but don't harm anyone'.
These value systems I strongly believe in, rather than the Christian belief and value of guilt and repentence. Guilt, in my opinion, has a lot to answer for in the society we live in.
Guilt about: Food, alcohol, body image, consumerism, behaviour, exercise, etc etc.
In many ways, on a basic human level, surely it's better to practice an existence that enables us to believe that our actions should be of a positive, nurturing nature to others.In many ways guilt means that people badly beat themselves up about a lot of things, which in many ways is far too destructive for a person to endure. In contrast, those who don't treat us in a way that we'd like to be treated, simply means to me, that these people still need to reach some level of self-enlightenment and awareness.
Therefore, a better solution, in my opinion, is to accept our faults, downfalls, bad behaviours, etc and change them so we don't harm anyone or ourselves.
In this case, no-one will feel a bad sense of karma!
I think it's my bedtime now, after all that Karma talk!