This isn't my world,
The world I belong to,
This isn't my time,
Too late, too worn..
beauty left behind..
Sincerity lost -
At what cost?
What goal?
All an empty hole.
Dreams?
Surreal,
An Achilles heel..?
Wholesome meal..
Stopping the feel?
Preventing heal...
Barbaric shield...
Life fail to yield,,
Friday, June 06, 2008
Musically Challenged
Afther watching This is England, I had to track down who composed the beautiful classical piece that goes with this film and track it down I did. Ludovico Einaudi is the composer and the music is Fuori Dal Mondo. I must get the CD but the music is so challenging to the emotions! Gosh, it sends me off in floods of tears, so to me, this is a quality composer and a quality piece of music plus, two of my favourite instruments are part of the composition; violin and piano..talking of which, I had a dream about a violin last night which has just re-emerged in my head whilst I'm writing this down.
I'm also trying to understand yet agin, why people who you contact don't respond? It sends me into a flurry of insecurities, emotions and worries. I'm the sort of person who takes things inwardly and head down the self- loathe route which is so destructive but then I do something quick to alleviate that by making arrangements to see friends and remind myself that I am a good person and deserve to be treated how all people want to be treated, with acknowledgement, respect, love, kindness and all of those qualities that we humans so desire. So today and last night I've been feeling a little full of woe but I will not go down the destructive path of yesteryear and I will not go down the roads that I've been down previously where love and emotion are concerned.
So Ludovico, check this guy's music out and be truly prepared to go on a deeply profound, emotional and beautiful journey people...
I'm also trying to understand yet agin, why people who you contact don't respond? It sends me into a flurry of insecurities, emotions and worries. I'm the sort of person who takes things inwardly and head down the self- loathe route which is so destructive but then I do something quick to alleviate that by making arrangements to see friends and remind myself that I am a good person and deserve to be treated how all people want to be treated, with acknowledgement, respect, love, kindness and all of those qualities that we humans so desire. So today and last night I've been feeling a little full of woe but I will not go down the destructive path of yesteryear and I will not go down the roads that I've been down previously where love and emotion are concerned.
So Ludovico, check this guy's music out and be truly prepared to go on a deeply profound, emotional and beautiful journey people...
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
This is England
This is England? Great film and well needed. The trouble is though, will ALL of those who watch it, understand its irony or will they think that Shane Meadows may be racist? I think this film highlights some really important points today and indeed that have been with us for a long time about racism, patriotism, isolation and loneliness.
And what a apt time to release this film when racism and patriotism are gaining ground again in many areas of the UK. Last night I heard the news about many immigrant Pole workers being subjected to racist attacks. Children are still growing up in areas where racism and patriotism are thriving; children take their parents and peers as role models and thus, may follow the same attitude of their ignorant families or peers.
I was fortunate to have grown up in a family with a non racist Mother and Father. Our neighbours were very different. As a child my parents fostered many children and amongst them some were from the African Carribean community, I remember one day, whilst we walked down the street with our foster brother and sister, my Mum said 'Hello', to a neighbour. She looked at my Mum with disgust and ignored her. This was my first experience of what racism was about - and it upset my Mum profoundly. I grew up with kids who were next generation Asian or Afro Carribean and to see them endure racism and attacks from others, would really upset me..yet this continues today, 30 or so years from the time that I was achild and this mortifies me in many ways..
Thus, This is England, is nostalgic to me in that the comraderie of Woody and his mates, along with their teen house parties and Ska/Punk music reminds me, of part of my teen years. Combo and his rascist bullshit reminds me about men who were around back then and who are still today, who worshipped anything to do with Patriotism and Racism..but really, deep down I feel these men were lost souls, who felt adrift in a changing world and not knowing how to cope with it - Indeed torn between what their parents and peers' views were and struggling to find their way or indeed, go against the grain of how they'd been brought up/what they'd been brought up to believe in. Men who have only known how to react with anger and violence cos that's all they've seen and understandly so, to react as such if that's what the role model throughout their life has been and indeed, as society implies, what a male is 'supposed' to be like. Indeed, when Combo says to little Shaun...
'Real men don't cry'
This puts it all in a nutshell for me. Real men DO cry and should cry..we're all human beings with an emotional capacity that includes the need and indeed, ability to cry to let out our emotions..I guess the words 'Real men don't cry', float around many a man's head still, sadly today.
So This is England? As far as I'm concerned, I feel this film is a masterpiece, it raises ever important issues about ongoing racism that needs to be acknowledged by people and changed, issues that are still present today in society and indeed the continuation of violence to people, just because of the colour of their skin.. It also raises important questions about masculinity and the isolation males feel which I think is an ongoing issue and indeed struggle, for many men.. Viva La Revolution!! It has to be said that Capitalism always seems to continue to didvide people rather than unite people and indeed, makes scapegoats out of people.
Let people live their lives in peace, equality, free from poverty and violence and with fairness..
Hoping that I may get to see A this weekend at some point, would be good to chat with him about this film and indeed, spend time again with him but childcare is limited this weekend..however, older sons do have good uses at times! And bribery works well with my son - not very ethical I guess but teens are SO self-centred I guess, arent they?
And what a apt time to release this film when racism and patriotism are gaining ground again in many areas of the UK. Last night I heard the news about many immigrant Pole workers being subjected to racist attacks. Children are still growing up in areas where racism and patriotism are thriving; children take their parents and peers as role models and thus, may follow the same attitude of their ignorant families or peers.
I was fortunate to have grown up in a family with a non racist Mother and Father. Our neighbours were very different. As a child my parents fostered many children and amongst them some were from the African Carribean community, I remember one day, whilst we walked down the street with our foster brother and sister, my Mum said 'Hello', to a neighbour. She looked at my Mum with disgust and ignored her. This was my first experience of what racism was about - and it upset my Mum profoundly. I grew up with kids who were next generation Asian or Afro Carribean and to see them endure racism and attacks from others, would really upset me..yet this continues today, 30 or so years from the time that I was achild and this mortifies me in many ways..
Thus, This is England, is nostalgic to me in that the comraderie of Woody and his mates, along with their teen house parties and Ska/Punk music reminds me, of part of my teen years. Combo and his rascist bullshit reminds me about men who were around back then and who are still today, who worshipped anything to do with Patriotism and Racism..but really, deep down I feel these men were lost souls, who felt adrift in a changing world and not knowing how to cope with it - Indeed torn between what their parents and peers' views were and struggling to find their way or indeed, go against the grain of how they'd been brought up/what they'd been brought up to believe in. Men who have only known how to react with anger and violence cos that's all they've seen and understandly so, to react as such if that's what the role model throughout their life has been and indeed, as society implies, what a male is 'supposed' to be like. Indeed, when Combo says to little Shaun...
'Real men don't cry'
This puts it all in a nutshell for me. Real men DO cry and should cry..we're all human beings with an emotional capacity that includes the need and indeed, ability to cry to let out our emotions..I guess the words 'Real men don't cry', float around many a man's head still, sadly today.
So This is England? As far as I'm concerned, I feel this film is a masterpiece, it raises ever important issues about ongoing racism that needs to be acknowledged by people and changed, issues that are still present today in society and indeed the continuation of violence to people, just because of the colour of their skin.. It also raises important questions about masculinity and the isolation males feel which I think is an ongoing issue and indeed struggle, for many men.. Viva La Revolution!! It has to be said that Capitalism always seems to continue to didvide people rather than unite people and indeed, makes scapegoats out of people.
Let people live their lives in peace, equality, free from poverty and violence and with fairness..
Hoping that I may get to see A this weekend at some point, would be good to chat with him about this film and indeed, spend time again with him but childcare is limited this weekend..however, older sons do have good uses at times! And bribery works well with my son - not very ethical I guess but teens are SO self-centred I guess, arent they?
Poems and the rebirth of writing them..
So poetry? I used to write poems years ago, around the age of 20, when I lived on my own in a bedsit in the Sherwood Rise area of Nottingham..My master to writing poems? The break up of a two year relationship with someone who back then, I felt I wanted to spend my life with..he messed my head emotionally; one minute he wanted to spend his life with me, the next, he'd change his mind..We lived together in a small flat and shared many sweet times.In many ways he was a proper gentlemen and a wonderful boyfriend; took me out for good meals even though we didn't have loads of money, went to the cinema, gigs, parties, walks, photographing expeditions where we'd take lots of photos of each other but mainly he'd take photos of me cos he was training to be a photographer, make home made wine and drink together, read together, backpacked around the Greek Islands for a month..etc, all of the things you do with a person that you want to be with..I was VERY in love with him so when I realised our relationship was ending, I think I had a mini breakdown - taking an overdose almost happened but luckily, I went to ring my Mum instead on the day that I almost did it and this brought me back to the real world..I shortly after, moved back home and then got a job abroad..escaped you could say.
I used to write down my feelings and then write them into some sort of poem, I carried on with this whilst living in Denmark but then, when I had my first son, poetry sort of got put on the back burner.
So today? I've been recently compiling all of my poems over the last 3 years that I've written - there's LOADS! I didn't realise that I'd wrote so many..I want to print them all out and put them into a folder..Just in case my PC ever breaks down and I lose them..
I enjoy writing poems but I only do it when I feel a sense of inspiration to write, this is usually caused by some sort of emotional trigger..and they aren't always just aimed at love etc but can be about the system and the injustice that I see around me and others in the world..
It's weird, re-reading poems from 3 years ago, is like a sort of diary of feelings and emotions..I'm glad that I started writing poems back then and I don't think I'd have written poetry without the profound inspiration and emotional awakening I felt..
Viva La Poetry!
I used to write down my feelings and then write them into some sort of poem, I carried on with this whilst living in Denmark but then, when I had my first son, poetry sort of got put on the back burner.
So today? I've been recently compiling all of my poems over the last 3 years that I've written - there's LOADS! I didn't realise that I'd wrote so many..I want to print them all out and put them into a folder..Just in case my PC ever breaks down and I lose them..
I enjoy writing poems but I only do it when I feel a sense of inspiration to write, this is usually caused by some sort of emotional trigger..and they aren't always just aimed at love etc but can be about the system and the injustice that I see around me and others in the world..
It's weird, re-reading poems from 3 years ago, is like a sort of diary of feelings and emotions..I'm glad that I started writing poems back then and I don't think I'd have written poetry without the profound inspiration and emotional awakening I felt..
Viva La Poetry!
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Symbolism and Dreams
I had a rather unnerving dream last night, I won't go into the details but it's sort of made me think again about dreams and symbolism..ie - what this dream is telling me and whether I should take heed from the image that I saw.. I know this sounds mad and the like but I've had dreams like this in the past, that have seemed to warn me or show me somrthing in the future and then they've come true on some level..
I did go for a first session of counselling yesterday so maybe my mind was a little unsettled from this experience too.. I was asked to think about the sort of things that I'd like to work on during counselling and maybe this is where the trigger in the dream came from as I mentioned: Past relationship/s, behaviours, escapism, Mother's death, children etc etc..a lot of things to work through and a lot of sadness/emotion along the way I guess..I don't know whether I'm strong enough just yet to face these emotions and I'm scared about what they'll unveil/change in me. My friend said that I must go - I'm not so sure - I think I'm shit scared to open up and spew forth my feelings and hurt my throat - I say this cos when I get upset, I get that lump in my throat..that roadblock of communication feeling..
I know that I don't want to lose out anymore in life and maybe this is what the dream is referring to?
On a lighter note, I watched This is England last night - One word - Awesome!
I did go for a first session of counselling yesterday so maybe my mind was a little unsettled from this experience too.. I was asked to think about the sort of things that I'd like to work on during counselling and maybe this is where the trigger in the dream came from as I mentioned: Past relationship/s, behaviours, escapism, Mother's death, children etc etc..a lot of things to work through and a lot of sadness/emotion along the way I guess..I don't know whether I'm strong enough just yet to face these emotions and I'm scared about what they'll unveil/change in me. My friend said that I must go - I'm not so sure - I think I'm shit scared to open up and spew forth my feelings and hurt my throat - I say this cos when I get upset, I get that lump in my throat..that roadblock of communication feeling..
I know that I don't want to lose out anymore in life and maybe this is what the dream is referring to?
On a lighter note, I watched This is England last night - One word - Awesome!
Monday, June 02, 2008
Still, calm, wild night
Mounting the sparkling wheels
Flying through the cool night air,
Isolated, industrial wasteland -
Beauty erupts everywhere..
Blurry vision entangled,
Limbs locked together for hours,
Bathe in the sweatfull shower
Magnetising, beautiful power,
Gentle as a graceful butterfly,
Wild lion mastery,
Bite from the sweet, tender nectar
Trancendingly lovingly - free..
Wrapped in the warmth of love given,
Sleep in the arms holding tight,
Breathing to the beat of life force
The universe continues its course..
Flying through the cool night air,
Isolated, industrial wasteland -
Beauty erupts everywhere..
Blurry vision entangled,
Limbs locked together for hours,
Bathe in the sweatfull shower
Magnetising, beautiful power,
Gentle as a graceful butterfly,
Wild lion mastery,
Bite from the sweet, tender nectar
Trancendingly lovingly - free..
Wrapped in the warmth of love given,
Sleep in the arms holding tight,
Breathing to the beat of life force
The universe continues its course..
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Herbal Remedies
Recently, I was talking to A about the cure for eye problems/sores..If there are any ailments in my family, I first try out the herbal route then orthodox meds if the herbal route fails. I reccommended Eyebright to A which is, in the horticultural (latin word) world known as 'Euphrasia Officialis' - what a beautful word! I'd love to get back into herb cultivation. Haven't grown any for quite some time and the only herbs that are alive in my garden at the mo are, Lavender - good for relaxation, Feverfew - renowned for aiding menstrual cramps and headaches, and the potent Rue.
My Dad has promised to do some cuttings of culnary hers for me but I think I may try to cultuvate some Medicinal herbs again..Maybe I should completely change careers and study horticulture/herbalism? Hmm flirted with the idea many moons back and gasped at the cost of studying but with a career development loan, these things are possible...
Anyway, check out this sweet/magical website regarding the more deeper look into herbs/trees/funghi and healing..
http://www.shee-eire.com/Herbs,Trees&Fungi/Herbs/Eyebright/Factsheet1.htm
My Dad has promised to do some cuttings of culnary hers for me but I think I may try to cultuvate some Medicinal herbs again..Maybe I should completely change careers and study horticulture/herbalism? Hmm flirted with the idea many moons back and gasped at the cost of studying but with a career development loan, these things are possible...
Anyway, check out this sweet/magical website regarding the more deeper look into herbs/trees/funghi and healing..
http://www.shee-eire.com/Herbs,Trees&Fungi/Herbs/Eyebright/Factsheet1.htm
Italian food, Bike Riding, Birthdays, Music
The title of this post pretty much sums up the last few days in Sara world. Dear friends invited me to an Italian themed meal at their house on Friday evening; Anti pasti, home made spinach and ricotta ravioli and Tirammisu downed with copious amount of Italian wine..a truly delightful evening in the company of lovely people..I then cycled over to A's at midnight in the cool but close, early summer midnight air..Was wonderful to cycle at night but a bit daunting to cycle through a semi industrial yet nature reserve area, has great cycle lanes all the way close to where A lives though but as a lone woman, with noone around and an enclosed space, felt a little eerie at times - my legs cycled as fast as they could but weirdly, the place felt sort of nice and yet spooky at the same time..the cycle lanes are lit really well though and there was only sight of one more human being in this area, a lone workman on his to way to his night shift work I assume.
Spent the next day with A being lazy and having a sweet, funny and happy time.I like these moments with him, our energy is good together and luckily, he's almost through his finals to his qualification.
I returned home at 4.30pm and hurried myself ready for my friend's 30th birthday at the lovely Kayal restaurant in Nottingham; south east asian food - very delicious but didn't/don't like the breads - I'm a old stickler of trad nan breads of the Pakistani variety! Ended up in a club and was going to visit A again but things went a bit pear shaped due to missing calls and then connecting for me to be already back at home! Shame to miss each other really but still, had a sweet late night chat with him.
Today, I'm taking things easy. Been listening to an old Moby CD - Hotel.. Really liking some of the tunes and love Laura Dawn's voice on this CD. I love the lyrics too, to the track Slipping Away - really melancholic but at the same time positive and full of hope...
All that we needed was right
The fresh hold is breaking tonight
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me
Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to meant
Oh and we leave here, the seas
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me
Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
So long
So long
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me
Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people that slipping away
Spent the next day with A being lazy and having a sweet, funny and happy time.I like these moments with him, our energy is good together and luckily, he's almost through his finals to his qualification.
I returned home at 4.30pm and hurried myself ready for my friend's 30th birthday at the lovely Kayal restaurant in Nottingham; south east asian food - very delicious but didn't/don't like the breads - I'm a old stickler of trad nan breads of the Pakistani variety! Ended up in a club and was going to visit A again but things went a bit pear shaped due to missing calls and then connecting for me to be already back at home! Shame to miss each other really but still, had a sweet late night chat with him.
Today, I'm taking things easy. Been listening to an old Moby CD - Hotel.. Really liking some of the tunes and love Laura Dawn's voice on this CD. I love the lyrics too, to the track Slipping Away - really melancholic but at the same time positive and full of hope...
All that we needed was right
The fresh hold is breaking tonight
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me
Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to meant
Oh and we leave here, the seas
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me
Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away
So long
So long
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me
Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people that slipping away
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Another month off...
I went to the Drs again today. We discussed my iron count and the reasons for my anaemia; what could cause it and how it can be prevented. Basically, we are going to test my blood again in 3 months time, after I've taken a course of tablets and then see what my iron levels are like. They should be back to normal, if they're not then I'll have to have further tests done to delve deeper into what's what.
My Dr said I need at least another month or so off work, to fully recover, everything makes sense regarding my tiredness; i was going through proper periods of feeling completely exhausted and no energy for myself let alone my kids, work, life etc..even swimming was starting to feel like hard work, which is not a usual feeling for me! So I'm consuming Ferrous Sulphate like no other at the mo and hopefully this will make me feel full of the enthusiasm and energy I normally have within me.
I've been invited to quite a few things this week; Italian themed meal at some good friends', South East Asian meal at a brill restaurant for my friend's 30th birthday..not sure if I'll do the Italian themed meal, but time will be the decider on that one..I want to see A, it feels like ages since I saw him but time will tell on that one too..
Today, I do feel very tired, the festival and shenagians prob hasn't helped me but I've been making sure I get early nights and sleeping as much as I possibly can..
My eldest son departs for Denmark in a few weeks time; holidaying, working in his uncle's restaurant, soaking up the lovely Danish summer, maybe meeting some new Danish friends and maybe a girlfriend..he's away for 3 months! The house will feel quiet but he needs to start taking some more lone responsibilty and the work he does out there will be good, indeed, his uncle is a good role model; works hard in the restaurant, professional saxophone player and genuinely sweet person. I know I'll miss him when he's gone but when he's here I wish he'd do more with himself! I guess this is the difficulty of teen years..
So, early night for me again and plenty of rest..
My Dr said I need at least another month or so off work, to fully recover, everything makes sense regarding my tiredness; i was going through proper periods of feeling completely exhausted and no energy for myself let alone my kids, work, life etc..even swimming was starting to feel like hard work, which is not a usual feeling for me! So I'm consuming Ferrous Sulphate like no other at the mo and hopefully this will make me feel full of the enthusiasm and energy I normally have within me.
I've been invited to quite a few things this week; Italian themed meal at some good friends', South East Asian meal at a brill restaurant for my friend's 30th birthday..not sure if I'll do the Italian themed meal, but time will be the decider on that one..I want to see A, it feels like ages since I saw him but time will tell on that one too..
Today, I do feel very tired, the festival and shenagians prob hasn't helped me but I've been making sure I get early nights and sleeping as much as I possibly can..
My eldest son departs for Denmark in a few weeks time; holidaying, working in his uncle's restaurant, soaking up the lovely Danish summer, maybe meeting some new Danish friends and maybe a girlfriend..he's away for 3 months! The house will feel quiet but he needs to start taking some more lone responsibilty and the work he does out there will be good, indeed, his uncle is a good role model; works hard in the restaurant, professional saxophone player and genuinely sweet person. I know I'll miss him when he's gone but when he's here I wish he'd do more with himself! I guess this is the difficulty of teen years..
So, early night for me again and plenty of rest..
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Bring on the Beautiful Times
What a hectic, mental weekend! I went to the OTT Festival with my friend Anna and Lorna to celebrate Lorna's 30th birthday..I'm a bit of a hedonist at these gatherings and sooon realised that my friend's pace is somewhat different to mine..My idea of a festival is
1. Get tent up
2. Crack open a beer
3. Laze around for a bit in the sunshine
4. Walk around to see what the score is
5. Head to hear music and carry on with drinking/smoking etc
6. Dance, Dance, Dance
7. Chat to people
8. Don't leave the bar/dance area til at least 4am
9. Philosophise with mates
10. Sleep...evetually when the sun starts to rise!
My friend? She passed out on all nights by 7pm. Once, cos she smoked too much weed, twice cos she smoked too much weed, got the munchies and had to sleep, third time? Ate too much hash cookie and passed out never to be seen again until Monday a.m! Laugh? I nearly wet myself with this bless her..Luckily, I knew a great group of people from Sheffield/Chesterfield who I hung out with once mt friend had passed out..I also met some new people who are in a band that I like - really sweet people and good fun too..
I felt at home with all of the people and they are all so kind and sharing that they're the proper sort of people who get well into the festival vibe - one thing I HATE WITH VENOM is when people put up wind breakers around their tent sort of making a little fence like structure..don't we already have enougn restricting structure in our lives to have to stick up a srupid fence like thing at a festival? I almost went on a fence wrecking mission during the festival but decided the better of it.
It would've been nice if A would've been there to share these times but alas, he wasn't.. Ah well, maybe some time in the future but we'll see..
So, drank too much, took too many strange substances, dance too much, laughed a lot, smiled and felt at peace..felt loved and appreciated by those around me and generally felt like the world is reflecting who I am..a woman, who I made friends with calleed me 'Beautiful'..I was touched! I don't know if anyone has ever called me this in my life cos I don't think I am physically beautful! To her, I was and that was a humbling experience to be told this..
I had a sweet call from an old mate, who I met in jersey last year when he was holidaying with his then girlfriend..sadly they split but randomnly I receive texts from him..anyway, he was over on the mainland this week but we missed each other due to me being away and him heading back to jersey.. It would be cool to meet up with next time he's over in the UK..in about 4 weeks apparently..hear how things went with him and the ex girlfriend and have a good old chat! I have fond memories of my Jersey hol and he was extremely kind and generous..I remember getting drunk with this couple and then me and him were betting each other to head for a midnight swim..it didn't happen but I would've definitely gone for a swim in the dark, I love midnight/late at dipping, it's awesome!
So, life feels good at the mo.. I miss A and his loveliness and presence but he seems busy and distracted with other stuff, I don't want to put pressure on him but it would be sweet to share some sweet time with him again soon..who knows let's see what the universe unfolds for me..
1. Get tent up
2. Crack open a beer
3. Laze around for a bit in the sunshine
4. Walk around to see what the score is
5. Head to hear music and carry on with drinking/smoking etc
6. Dance, Dance, Dance
7. Chat to people
8. Don't leave the bar/dance area til at least 4am
9. Philosophise with mates
10. Sleep...evetually when the sun starts to rise!
My friend? She passed out on all nights by 7pm. Once, cos she smoked too much weed, twice cos she smoked too much weed, got the munchies and had to sleep, third time? Ate too much hash cookie and passed out never to be seen again until Monday a.m! Laugh? I nearly wet myself with this bless her..Luckily, I knew a great group of people from Sheffield/Chesterfield who I hung out with once mt friend had passed out..I also met some new people who are in a band that I like - really sweet people and good fun too..
I felt at home with all of the people and they are all so kind and sharing that they're the proper sort of people who get well into the festival vibe - one thing I HATE WITH VENOM is when people put up wind breakers around their tent sort of making a little fence like structure..don't we already have enougn restricting structure in our lives to have to stick up a srupid fence like thing at a festival? I almost went on a fence wrecking mission during the festival but decided the better of it.
It would've been nice if A would've been there to share these times but alas, he wasn't.. Ah well, maybe some time in the future but we'll see..
So, drank too much, took too many strange substances, dance too much, laughed a lot, smiled and felt at peace..felt loved and appreciated by those around me and generally felt like the world is reflecting who I am..a woman, who I made friends with calleed me 'Beautiful'..I was touched! I don't know if anyone has ever called me this in my life cos I don't think I am physically beautful! To her, I was and that was a humbling experience to be told this..
I had a sweet call from an old mate, who I met in jersey last year when he was holidaying with his then girlfriend..sadly they split but randomnly I receive texts from him..anyway, he was over on the mainland this week but we missed each other due to me being away and him heading back to jersey.. It would be cool to meet up with next time he's over in the UK..in about 4 weeks apparently..hear how things went with him and the ex girlfriend and have a good old chat! I have fond memories of my Jersey hol and he was extremely kind and generous..I remember getting drunk with this couple and then me and him were betting each other to head for a midnight swim..it didn't happen but I would've definitely gone for a swim in the dark, I love midnight/late at dipping, it's awesome!
So, life feels good at the mo.. I miss A and his loveliness and presence but he seems busy and distracted with other stuff, I don't want to put pressure on him but it would be sweet to share some sweet time with him again soon..who knows let's see what the universe unfolds for me..
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Fuck it, let's all think those nice thoughts
Fuck it, if no fucker cares enough to want to talk to me, let alone answer my phone call or texts then fuck it! I ain't being no idiot and meaningless piece of dust floating around in the universe and I'm instead gonna think about happy thoughts of my holiday and the festival this weekend! So much so, here's some piccys to remind me about what I have to look forward to..Hurrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! The top pic, is of a load of people from Sheffield who I've got to know since going to this festival, great fun and good people, we all spent much time together and indeed, sat philosophising until sunrise - always what should be done at a festival!
The one of me was taken first thing in the a.m - I look knackered and like I've had too many substances, dear me! The other pics are what I've found on the net of Agistri, the place I can't wait to visit with my son, Hurrah!
Life eh, full of woeful and wonderful suprises!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Memories and The Flaming Lips
I put on an old CD by The Flaming Lips,I love the trcak Vein of Stars MASSIVELY and haven't heard this CD in ages and it's weird how you associate images with certain songs albums..This CD takes me back to July 2006, just before I went on my holiday to Harlech, Wales.. I have fond and special imagery in my head regarding this CD..weird how the mind takes you back to this special time, imagery and feelings..
Music is such a precious and spiritual gift, where would be without music? It was good to revisit these thoughts and imagery and gave me a warm feeling in my heart..
Music is such a precious and spiritual gift, where would be without music? It was good to revisit these thoughts and imagery and gave me a warm feeling in my heart..
Blood
I've recently been for a load of blood tests; Aneamia, Thyroid, HepB/C, diabetes etc etc..Hep B/C because I've worked with a lot of drug users and indeed, people who have this illness so I just wanted to ensure that I'm still healthy - not saying all drug users have this of course and of course, not stigmatising them in any way whatsoever, indeed people who've had transfusions before a certain time period, have also contracted this illness. It's a debilitating illness for sure but if kept in check, life can be OK and indeed a long one.
So my results? I have iron deficiency meaning that I have to take a course of iron tablets for quite a while - My Hb was under 9! Apparently a healthy hb should be around 11.5/12 for a woman! No wonder I've been tired, knackered, depressed and devoid of energy.
I'm missing A and have had no contact since last week, can't understand if I've pissed him off? I don't think I did/have and I know he has important stuff this week which I truly respect and want him to do the best that he can, but it would be nice to at least hear how he's doing.. hear that all is OK...I can't go down the road that I went down with B way back in time, where I was so emotionally distraught and the like, I can't let myself feel this way ever again with anyone..it destroys and tears you apart and there's no way my heart and emotional self, can deal with another episode of this from another man...I don't know, I can't be all full on one minute and then not the next, this isn't me and it can never be me...I miss him and I don't like feeling cut out, it's not a good feeling at all and makes one feel worthless and invisible!
So, time to reflect at the festival, luckily my son will be at his own house this weekend as my ex will be looking after the cat for me whilst I'm away, which means, it meakes sense for him to stay at mine and look after his son in own surroundings. Time to get my iron levels back to where they should be and hopefully, start to feel a little more like my usual energetic self again. Positively, I have a clean bill of blood health, which is all good! I hope A gets in touch, I have very strong feelings for him...we'll see but time is always the teller with these things..
So my results? I have iron deficiency meaning that I have to take a course of iron tablets for quite a while - My Hb was under 9! Apparently a healthy hb should be around 11.5/12 for a woman! No wonder I've been tired, knackered, depressed and devoid of energy.
I'm missing A and have had no contact since last week, can't understand if I've pissed him off? I don't think I did/have and I know he has important stuff this week which I truly respect and want him to do the best that he can, but it would be nice to at least hear how he's doing.. hear that all is OK...I can't go down the road that I went down with B way back in time, where I was so emotionally distraught and the like, I can't let myself feel this way ever again with anyone..it destroys and tears you apart and there's no way my heart and emotional self, can deal with another episode of this from another man...I don't know, I can't be all full on one minute and then not the next, this isn't me and it can never be me...I miss him and I don't like feeling cut out, it's not a good feeling at all and makes one feel worthless and invisible!
So, time to reflect at the festival, luckily my son will be at his own house this weekend as my ex will be looking after the cat for me whilst I'm away, which means, it meakes sense for him to stay at mine and look after his son in own surroundings. Time to get my iron levels back to where they should be and hopefully, start to feel a little more like my usual energetic self again. Positively, I have a clean bill of blood health, which is all good! I hope A gets in touch, I have very strong feelings for him...we'll see but time is always the teller with these things..
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Am I so unworthy?
Why is it when you send someone quite a few texts, they fail to respond? OK, I understand why people might not respond on a few occasions but if it's continual, then.....
Is it because they're trying to avoid you?
They're too busy?
They can't be bothered?
They want rid of you?
They forget?
They've got something/someone better to think about?
They don't value you, as much as you value them?
I don't 'get it'? When people text me, I always try my best to return the text back and indeed,out of respect for that person will try to reply as soon as I have time to..it makes sense and it's polite to do that, imo.
Sometimes I HATE mobile phones, maybe it's time to ditch the mobile forever and let people ring me or write letters, like in the olden days...
Is it because they're trying to avoid you?
They're too busy?
They can't be bothered?
They want rid of you?
They forget?
They've got something/someone better to think about?
They don't value you, as much as you value them?
I don't 'get it'? When people text me, I always try my best to return the text back and indeed,out of respect for that person will try to reply as soon as I have time to..it makes sense and it's polite to do that, imo.
Sometimes I HATE mobile phones, maybe it's time to ditch the mobile forever and let people ring me or write letters, like in the olden days...
Friday, May 16, 2008
Summer is coming....
I spent hours today looking for a summer holiday for me and my son, I can' afford it but damn me, I'm not gonna have some reward for working and burning myself out over the past year! I checked out package deals, hols in the UK, budget websites, camping places, YHA places etc etc. The package deals seemed to penalise me financiall, due to being 1 adult and child - in other words, not a family of 3 etc..In the end, I came across a small island called Agistri, off the mainland of Greece - 45 mins by boat. I reckoned that this would be a better choice for my son as originally, Naxos was my preferred destination but the ferry is a long one at 7 hours from mainlan. My son suffers from travel sickness and I didn't fancy him having a long flight and then a long ferry crossing - I feel this is one to do when my son is grown up and I'm travelling alone or with a partner.
So, the holiday? I managed to pick up some decent priced flights to Athens - 150 each..I then found a decent looking hostel in Pireaus, where we'll stay for the night before catching the boat the following day..I thought we may have a little time to go and see The Acropolis in Athens but time will tell..if not then, then maybe another day.
I found a decvent priced family owned hotel in the main village Milos, which has a tiny harbour and beaches..the hotel has a small swimming pool - always what I want when I go away and indeed always good fun for my son. I recieved a very sweet email from the owner of the hotel offering me a studio room, facing the swimming pool with balcony for 9 nights at 420, for my son and me - that's cheaper than I'd pay for a cottage or static van in the UK in August!
Agistri is a tiny island and apparently you can walk across it in 3 hours or so; it's full of pine forests, olive and fig groves - sounds delightful! I've decided that my son and I could hire bikes and visit the 3 main villages and do some forest cycling..I also guess we could take a trip to the neighbouring islands, esepcially Hydra and Aegina and maybe a famous outdoor amphitheatre, which I forget the name of!
So, here's to the summer and a new lease of life by visiting this beautiful and mythological part of the world!
So, the holiday? I managed to pick up some decent priced flights to Athens - 150 each..I then found a decent looking hostel in Pireaus, where we'll stay for the night before catching the boat the following day..I thought we may have a little time to go and see The Acropolis in Athens but time will tell..if not then, then maybe another day.
I found a decvent priced family owned hotel in the main village Milos, which has a tiny harbour and beaches..the hotel has a small swimming pool - always what I want when I go away and indeed always good fun for my son. I recieved a very sweet email from the owner of the hotel offering me a studio room, facing the swimming pool with balcony for 9 nights at 420, for my son and me - that's cheaper than I'd pay for a cottage or static van in the UK in August!
Agistri is a tiny island and apparently you can walk across it in 3 hours or so; it's full of pine forests, olive and fig groves - sounds delightful! I've decided that my son and I could hire bikes and visit the 3 main villages and do some forest cycling..I also guess we could take a trip to the neighbouring islands, esepcially Hydra and Aegina and maybe a famous outdoor amphitheatre, which I forget the name of!
So, here's to the summer and a new lease of life by visiting this beautiful and mythological part of the world!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
And the world continues to spin on its axis to new dawns and new happiness
Slowly but surely, I'm starting to feel a little better..had a lovely weekend although I was fed up that A cancelled Sat night, to then ring me and want me to go and see him - to which I refused as I'd cancelled my babysitter! I told him I can't change plans just like that when kids are part of the equation and my time is limited etc..
A friend had a birthday celebration on Sunday in her garden, very funny time was had; headstands, limbo dancing, drinking too much, laughing and enjoying being with all of my lovely friends.
My son took part in a school assembly yesterday and was so sweet to see him take part in this and read his little part!
I was invited to A's yesterday for the afternoon, so took my bike on the train and then cycled to his..meeting him along the way coming from the opposite direction as he cycled to get something.. Talked about a lot of stuff with him and read a fair bit of his uni submissions, not long noe til he completes his course - I feel happy for him for doing so well and changing his life! Keep trying to get him to come to The Buddhist Centre with me - we'll see! I'd like to see him at the weekend but I understand he has a load fo work to be getting on with - we'll see. We did end up having an afternoon drink and I cycled home at 7pm - great cycle lanes all of the way back to mine! Hurrah for cycle lanes.
Will be taking a good old swim today and hoping to go out on Saturday with a friend to see Bonobo! Not the monkey but a band..
Next weekend will be the first festival of the year for me, can't wait and getting ready for some festival action..always love this festival and always love being out in the open air at this time of the year! Banco de Gaia and Transglobal Underground are playing which will be fab! Be great to hear Transglobal's Sitar Player for sure!
Signed off for another few weeks and then I may try and return to work but I'll see how I am nearer the time..I do have the tendency to dip some at times so I need to ensure I'm feeling properly recovered.
Here's to the sunshine, festivals, dear friends, kids and Life!!!
A friend had a birthday celebration on Sunday in her garden, very funny time was had; headstands, limbo dancing, drinking too much, laughing and enjoying being with all of my lovely friends.
My son took part in a school assembly yesterday and was so sweet to see him take part in this and read his little part!
I was invited to A's yesterday for the afternoon, so took my bike on the train and then cycled to his..meeting him along the way coming from the opposite direction as he cycled to get something.. Talked about a lot of stuff with him and read a fair bit of his uni submissions, not long noe til he completes his course - I feel happy for him for doing so well and changing his life! Keep trying to get him to come to The Buddhist Centre with me - we'll see! I'd like to see him at the weekend but I understand he has a load fo work to be getting on with - we'll see. We did end up having an afternoon drink and I cycled home at 7pm - great cycle lanes all of the way back to mine! Hurrah for cycle lanes.
Will be taking a good old swim today and hoping to go out on Saturday with a friend to see Bonobo! Not the monkey but a band..
Next weekend will be the first festival of the year for me, can't wait and getting ready for some festival action..always love this festival and always love being out in the open air at this time of the year! Banco de Gaia and Transglobal Underground are playing which will be fab! Be great to hear Transglobal's Sitar Player for sure!
Signed off for another few weeks and then I may try and return to work but I'll see how I am nearer the time..I do have the tendency to dip some at times so I need to ensure I'm feeling properly recovered.
Here's to the sunshine, festivals, dear friends, kids and Life!!!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Ongoing support, rosewater and conversations
I met with my manager today and had lunch, I can't believe how supportive she's being and indeed, keeps telling me not to return to work until I am completely ready for it..This is very much appreciated and makes me want to retain my sense of loyalty to the organisation I work for. We've also discussed the possibilty of me having a career change for some time - development work and a step down from teaching for a while..I'd like to get my teeth into development work and I know that I'm good at liaising with hostel managers and the like, thus I feel like things are more positive! We'll see.
I've recently rediscovered this little gem of facial beauty regime - Rosewater! I used to use this stuff years ago and just sort of got out of using it! Anyway, I decided to reintroduce this into my beauty regime again..and I was so impressed when i discovered that a small chemist in the centre of Nottingham actually 'makes it up' whilst you wait! Impressive and reminds me about days gone by of old chemists! Rosewater is wonderful; smells gorgeous, makes you feel all fresh and alive, reminds you about days gone by herbal remedies/beauty treatments!
Tonight I rang A to see how he's doing, had a good chat and hope to go over to see him on Saturday to spend some time together, maybe get a take away and just enjoy his company. I'm looking forward to seeing him but I have to keep focussed on me and not get all carried away in the detail..I talked about some of my issues from previous relationships and we sort of worked out something, which made me feel better about things - I wonder if he's been sent to me to let me find myself again and help me face my insecurities from previous let downs and rejection? I wonder...and I like the fact that he's so open with me and indeed, that I can be open with him..I like this and I'm glad he walked into my life when he did, even though I know not where it will lead..but the key is to enjoy the moments with him and just let this be and nurture this..
I've recently rediscovered this little gem of facial beauty regime - Rosewater! I used to use this stuff years ago and just sort of got out of using it! Anyway, I decided to reintroduce this into my beauty regime again..and I was so impressed when i discovered that a small chemist in the centre of Nottingham actually 'makes it up' whilst you wait! Impressive and reminds me about days gone by of old chemists! Rosewater is wonderful; smells gorgeous, makes you feel all fresh and alive, reminds you about days gone by herbal remedies/beauty treatments!
Tonight I rang A to see how he's doing, had a good chat and hope to go over to see him on Saturday to spend some time together, maybe get a take away and just enjoy his company. I'm looking forward to seeing him but I have to keep focussed on me and not get all carried away in the detail..I talked about some of my issues from previous relationships and we sort of worked out something, which made me feel better about things - I wonder if he's been sent to me to let me find myself again and help me face my insecurities from previous let downs and rejection? I wonder...and I like the fact that he's so open with me and indeed, that I can be open with him..I like this and I'm glad he walked into my life when he did, even though I know not where it will lead..but the key is to enjoy the moments with him and just let this be and nurture this..
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Weekend Thoughts..
This poem came about after remembering a special time shared with A on Saturday night/Sunday morning! Gosh, will I ever stop being such an airy fairy dreamy woman?
:-)
I wish I'd have been born a songwriter and could make money out of writing poems and songs!
Lap of retreat..
The weight of the head softens,
As it rests wearily,
On the fire of my knees,
Warming the soul -
As he breathes,
Gently.
To and fro..
Up and down.
Without a frown -
Peaceful and sound.
Sleep tired one -
Sleep.
Refresh the mind,
Let it unwind -
To a place of serenity.
Imaginary Serengeti.
Love a' plenty.
Locks, take a tumble,
Freefall flames a softly..
And in them -
Their softness -
I fumble..
Feeling the heat -
Sparks in my hands,
Burn to my feet.
Beautiful retreat..
Blissfully complete..
:-)
I wish I'd have been born a songwriter and could make money out of writing poems and songs!
Lap of retreat..
The weight of the head softens,
As it rests wearily,
On the fire of my knees,
Warming the soul -
As he breathes,
Gently.
To and fro..
Up and down.
Without a frown -
Peaceful and sound.
Sleep tired one -
Sleep.
Refresh the mind,
Let it unwind -
To a place of serenity.
Imaginary Serengeti.
Love a' plenty.
Locks, take a tumble,
Freefall flames a softly..
And in them -
Their softness -
I fumble..
Feeling the heat -
Sparks in my hands,
Burn to my feet.
Beautiful retreat..
Blissfully complete..
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Tiredness and happy memories of a beautiful weekend
So, today I've been soooooo tired..My eyes look like shit! I lied down in my back garden in the beautiful sunshine, with some green tea bags on tired eyes, in the hope of making them look a little fresher! I went for a well needed swim and kept on getting thoughts about A and the weekend in my mind; his selfless givingness to me, the pleasure of spending intimate time with him, stroking his hair and scalp...I kept on getting snaphot images of certain parts/scenes of the weekend..truly wonderful and special!
Tomorrow, I head to the Drs to have a load of blood tests taken..for all sorts of things but mainly to make sure that everything is as it should be. I hope all will be OK! I hope my tiredness is due to burning the candle rather than any old ailment!
I plan to go the meditation again this week and I would love to spend some time with A but time will tell as he is revising for his exams in a few week's time..we'll see but I do so want to see him soon!
That's my short update for today, this sun is far too nice to be stuck near a PC!!!!
Tomorrow, I head to the Drs to have a load of blood tests taken..for all sorts of things but mainly to make sure that everything is as it should be. I hope all will be OK! I hope my tiredness is due to burning the candle rather than any old ailment!
I plan to go the meditation again this week and I would love to spend some time with A but time will tell as he is revising for his exams in a few week's time..we'll see but I do so want to see him soon!
That's my short update for today, this sun is far too nice to be stuck near a PC!!!!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Meditation, Spontaneity and Peace in The Meadows
Anyone been to a Buddhist meditation before? I went on Friday to the Nottingham Buddhist Centre for the hour meditation and lunch afterwards. The guided meditation was fantastic, inspiring, positive and very grounding. I also learned new techniques for conquering negative thoughts and feelings..very good. The people there were warm, friendly, kind and non judgemental..just the sort of people I like to be around. I sat and had lunch with an elderly man who was also a Quaker but dipped into different spiritualism for his own personal reasons. I will definitely be making the centre a weekly, where possible, occurrence. Afterwards, I met some friends for coffee, got invited to see a gig by an old friend, bumped into a sweet work colleague from years ago and had a really positive day.
I decided to go to the gig, although it wasn't really my preferred choice, I had a good time all the same. UK Subs, would you believe, a good laugh and a pretty sorted band I guess. I then contacted A about popping by to his and he asked if I wanted to link up with him and his mate as they were in the city having a drink, to which I did. I met them about 1am and we stayed in the bar til 3am and then went back to A's for music and discussion. I ended up staying at his until today..It was nice to spend time with him again, was quite a full-on time, but fun and sweet to be in his company again. We ended up walking to the shop together to buy some wine and although he lives in a perceived dodgy area, I remarked on how peaceful and calm his area is..lots of beautiful blossom trees everywhere, birds singing and a general feel of inner city tranquility..
I do have such strong feelings for A and to feel his head resting and sleeping on my knees was beautiful and special...I decided to leave about 4.30am as I woke up whilst he was still asleep on the sofa..I thought it'd be better to get back to mine and rest in my bed..
I think seing him again has been good for me. I also realise that I need to keep focussed on my life aswell and not get lost and too focussed on him. At the moment, I need to be focussing on me and my kids but it would be cool to think that he's in my life on some level...We'll see.
Tonight? I may head to a BBQ but I don't want to overdo it..I know I'm capable of becoming very tired right now and thus, need to practice self preservation of my mind and energies!
So, the Buddhist experience has been a positive one, so much so, that I'm thinking of doing a course there in a few weeks time and I also invited A to come along if he desires this..And the time spent with A again, has too, been a positive one..
Here's to the positives of having a precious life, family and friends...
I decided to go to the gig, although it wasn't really my preferred choice, I had a good time all the same. UK Subs, would you believe, a good laugh and a pretty sorted band I guess. I then contacted A about popping by to his and he asked if I wanted to link up with him and his mate as they were in the city having a drink, to which I did. I met them about 1am and we stayed in the bar til 3am and then went back to A's for music and discussion. I ended up staying at his until today..It was nice to spend time with him again, was quite a full-on time, but fun and sweet to be in his company again. We ended up walking to the shop together to buy some wine and although he lives in a perceived dodgy area, I remarked on how peaceful and calm his area is..lots of beautiful blossom trees everywhere, birds singing and a general feel of inner city tranquility..
I do have such strong feelings for A and to feel his head resting and sleeping on my knees was beautiful and special...I decided to leave about 4.30am as I woke up whilst he was still asleep on the sofa..I thought it'd be better to get back to mine and rest in my bed..
I think seing him again has been good for me. I also realise that I need to keep focussed on my life aswell and not get lost and too focussed on him. At the moment, I need to be focussing on me and my kids but it would be cool to think that he's in my life on some level...We'll see.
Tonight? I may head to a BBQ but I don't want to overdo it..I know I'm capable of becoming very tired right now and thus, need to practice self preservation of my mind and energies!
So, the Buddhist experience has been a positive one, so much so, that I'm thinking of doing a course there in a few weeks time and I also invited A to come along if he desires this..And the time spent with A again, has too, been a positive one..
Here's to the positives of having a precious life, family and friends...
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