Childhood Regression

Following on from my rant about Naxos, the penny's finally dropped why I'm so in awe of Google Earth.I now realise that it's reminded me about my childhood viewing years of Mr Ben!
I loved Mr Ben. I loved the way that he went into the changing room and dressed up as a different character each series and 'took on' the character's persona.
Well, for me and the purpose of Google Earth, my character is a sultry princess from the Arabian Nights who travels around the world on a magic carpet. I levitate on my magic carpet over magical places such as, Naxos, Eygpt, Amsterdam (lol), Himalayas, Norway, Grand canyon, My, the list is endless!
Call me bonkers, call me mad, call me insane? God I love regressing into my childhood and indeed, imaginary fantasy characters.

Travelling the world in cyber space

Well, I've recently discovered the joys of Google Earth. I've spent ages wondering around cyber space and looking at different countries. My first stop was Naxos, a small island in the Greek Cyclades set of islands.
My, it was truly lovely visiting there again after so many years! I was last there, in the skin, in 1987 as part of a backpacking trip for 6 weeks.This trip took in, Crete, Naxos, Sifnos, Sikinos, Folegandros, Milos and Santorini.
Once on Naxos I remained there for a week due to my love of this place. I camped on the beach there on Aghia Anna and drank in the small taverna. I also made a bamboo shelter as part of my temporary accommodation. The tranquility of this place was one to die for.
As you can see, I instantly fell in love with Naxos and vowed to visit there again. Naxos does have some great mythical history involving Greek Gods and Godesses; Ariadne, Dionysis for example. The buildings and culture of this island tugged at my heart when I left and for many years later, hence my continuing feel of urgency to revisit Naxos. I will get back there soon. Where there's a will there's a way is my motto!!

Wishing to nowhere

Have you ever had the luck to experience the headfuckedupness of 'wishing things could be different' and 'wishing you could rewind time back'? Indeed if I had a time machine, I'd rewind time back to a few months ago. I won't go into detail but I just would.

I know too, on a rational level that wishing is a waste of delicate, precious time and is an action that should be avoided.
How though, does one avoid this action if one has no control over it? If it's there in your head from the minute you wake up and re-enters your thoughts throughout the day at random points?...Perpetually affecting your emotional state?
Is this 'wishing' indeed the road to insanity? Or is it something else? The inner voice continually reminding you about these wishes..the gut feeling kicking in?

Is this just obsessive thought patterns or is there a deeper meaning to this? Fucked if I know but it don't half do my head in at times! I'm still clinically 'sane' I think?

Destruction

Time to take time out guys.
Take it easy out there.
Enjoy life!
Life is for loving and enjoying, with those with whom you hold so dear.
Happy life!

A yearly dose of Banco De Gaia

Found out a few days ago that one of my all time fave musicians, Banco De Gaia, is coming to perform in Nottingham in June. I love what this man does to the soul. He's been around for quite some time on the dance scene but rather than just being into 'music' he tries to convey important messages about world issues that are experienced today; consumer culture, war, the plights of indigenous cultures and nations etc.
His music in many ways, takes you through a long, mystical journey in many ways. Indeed every gig I've been to of his, I've massively enjoyed and come away with a sense of ecstacy - without ecstacy!! I've seen him so many times including gigs at

Derby
Hackney London
Canterbury Festival
Glastonbury Festival
Leicester

Never seen him play Nottingham so I really await this gem of a night! If you're interested in his stuff check out my link!
Time to relax now after another session of 'grounding Yoga!'

Life is a changing

To be free.

Life is changing
An open door.
Descend onwards
To my fate.

Future awaits me
Free as a bird.
What will be
Will truly be.

A painful journey.
Has been stalled.
Fluid I move
To a new destiny.

Where has my head been?

I think I've finally realised that I've been living in a 'toxic' head state for quite some time. I've reread my diary and it draws me to the conclusion that although a dear friend has been nasty to me at times, I still don't have bad feelings.
You know my feelings and they'll always remain the same. Always.

Sometimes it does people the world of good, to just say it as it is, in my humble opinion.

Pour your feelings out - go on, I dare you!! Stop hiding in that dark cave.

I'll be with you when you leap!

Return to the Source

I've made a positive decision recently, with the help of a friend, to return to Yoga. Three years ago, I practised Yoga on a regular basis but then gave up due to work committments, finances, kids,life, you name it,things just got in the way.
Yoga all them years ago, opened me up greatly on a spiritual level. Indeed it grounded me like nothing had done before and it took me down a path of reigniting my love for the earth and all things on an elemental level.
I became extremely interested in 'Wicca' and 'Green Witchcraft'(Herblore using plants/herbs to heal) at this time and started to practise certain elements of Wiccan beliefs and ritual.
In addition,I had a wonderful yoga teacher who was and still is, a deeply spiritual person, with a love of nature and the elements.
So after my second session in 3 years, I'm surprised at how supple I still am. I still remember the poses and asanas and I can still manage a great pose called 'Downward Dog' and 'Upward dog'. Strength wise, I still seem to have really strong upper body strength, which I'm quite impressed about!
I look really forward to another session next week and feel really positive about returning to my source.

My Dream For Today

I have a dream today.
Not a literal dream that I have dreamt but a dream to be taken up high. Right up to mountains high, high up in the Himalayas, high up away from the city, high up away from city sounds.
All I want to hear are bell's chime, monks chanting, birds singing.
All I want to smell is incense burning, dew in the morning, fires burning and wax melting.
All I want to see are mountains all around me, the morning mist and fog lifting and bringing clarity to my mind, oranges, reds, yellows,golds, prayer flags and restful faces.
All I want to touch is the softness of a pillow, the thin, delicate prayer flags fluttering in the eastern sky, clear running water trickling down into a stream and through my fingers and the roughness yet softness, of worn out wood.
All I want to taste is the night air turning into damp on my lips, a place devoid of sourness, juices from fruit and essency fluids.

My, my, what a dream today.

Back Again

Well, I've been in an extremely contemplative mood this week. Quite a few weird happenings have occurred but I'm still here. Still riding the wave that is life.Had even more bizarre dreams, one which I'll spare you the details was particularly worrying and quite prophetic!! I hope it doesn't come true - That's all I'm saying!!

My blog has been giving me some grief too on a technical level but I think it's all sorted now - Fingers crossed!!

Sad to have missed Dan's Play 'The Big Adventure' at Nottingham Arts Theatre but unexpectadly I had to get away. I won't bore you all with the details. I heard it went well and look forward to reading the review.

Not alot planned for the week ahead apart from a mate's birthday, a week on Saturday which should be fun. Hope you're well out there in cyberworld.

Dreams?

Fuck am I dreaming so much at the moment! I also tend to remember quite a lot of my dreams too, which can be rather unnerving.
My dream last night was VERY weird. I was walking along a long road and in one of the house windows that I passed, sat my recently deceased Mum, staring out at me.
I looked at her and wondered past rather indifferently, which concerned me greatly, in real life. She looked slimmer and younger faced with longer grey hair.
I don't quite know what this dream was supposed to represent? My busy-ness whilst she was alive? My indifference at times, as a daughter? My not seeing her before she died? (I'd seen her 2 weeks before she died and had been told not to visit because she thought she had a stomach bug and had been sick a lot)
This dream's worried me a bit..
I had a 'real dream in life' to treat my Mum when I wasn't so busy in life. I took driving lessons a few years ago, only because I wanted to be able to take my Mum out to nice places, when she was really infirm. This real dream I will never fulfill.
My mind's reflecting me me back to Six Feet Under and the belief that passing souls reappear in our dreams, as a way of communicating again with us...maybe as a way of reassurance, especially when we miss those whom we love and miss so much...
I wonder?..I really wonder?

Highfields Lido - I miss you!

Boo Hoo...This is where I learned to swim at the grand, old age of 5 years old. Ain't it lovely? But sadly it's now gone! Made way for the 'middle classes' past time of the 'arts' and all things visual...anyway back to swimming..

My Dad literally 'chucked' me in and said

"Come on then, you can do it, you can swim"

And swim I did for the life of me!! Charming way to learn to swim!! Saying that, I'm a keen swimmer and love being in cold water, so in a way, maybe my Dad helped my love of the water. Anyway, I've been doing a bit of history research about my favourite Lido and came across this.

The Lido first opened in August 1924. Spending an afternoon at an outdoor swimming pool an attractive prospect on a summer's day. On those hot sweltering afternoons, the Lido is a veritable magnet to all the youth of the area. But some years the sun is sadly missing and then the Lido holds far less of an appeal (as can he seen from the bar graph). Although the Lidos in Nottingham are open from mid May to mid September, the crowds only really come during those very hot spells, which are few in all but the best of summers. But those hot spells tend to move about the calendar and this makes hitting the right staffing levels all the more difficult. In one week back in June 1970, over ten and a half thousand people squeezed into Highfields Lido. In the following year the corresponding week yielded a mere 28 brave souls.

Since the commissioning of Carrington and Bulwell Lidos, the City has confined itself to building indoor swimming pools. Given the capital outlay, these make far more sense than outdoor pools, which as mentioned earlier are popular for only short spells each year. In view of constraints on purse strings, recreation departments all over the country have been closing down their outdoor pools. Initially Nottingham resisted this trend, but after four extremely poor years, the Leisure Services Committee decided to recommend that one of the Lidos should be closed. After considering factors such as age and attendant problems of maintenance, general overheads and location within the city, they decided not to reopen Highfields for the 1981 season. There was a proviso in their decision that the committee should review the situation at the end of the season. They wanted to be sure that Carrington and Bulwell were going to be sufficient for the needs of Nottingham's outdoor bathers. But another poor summer in 1981 didn't really give them a chance to test the market for the two remaining Lidos. They decided, nevertheless, to stick by their decision and so the Highfields Lido was put on the market.

End of my lovely memories of Highfields lido!

Another one bites the dust

Friends? What are they really? Recently an old friend and I haven't been seeing eye to eye on a few things:

1. Which bars we go drinking in - She's into minimalism, I'm into liveliness, warm atmosphere with chilled music and friendly vibes.
2. Which club we dance in - she's into plush, I'm into headrush
We've had big fallouts about this when a little drunk, which to be honest, I can't be bothered about. I hate being around anger and confrontation when people are drunk.
Recently too, she seems to be really pissed off with me for whatever reason! Take this for madness and let me know your thoughts.

I rang her the other day for a usual chat. I couldn't stop yawning throughout the conversation, not because I was bored but because I was knackered! Indeed earlier that day, I'd been in an important meeting with the Probation Service to discuss such depressing issues as Schedule 1 offenders! Anyway, halfway through the chat she moaned

"God Sara, can you stop yawning, it's really irritating me"

Hmm I thought to myself..and responded

"Actually, I'm fuckin knackered and dead tired, sorry to irritate, it's not my intention... Fuck it, I'll ring you some other time"
END OF CONVERSATION.

I now have to monitor my yawning? This is worse than a dictatorship FFS!! Because of these things, I'm starting to think maybe our friendship is dying a death. Maybe we're just not who we were when we met. People do indeed change over time. In all honesty, life's too short to be worrying about the trivialities of other people's issues. My day job is indeed emotionally draining and all consuming therefore I don't need friends in my life who criticise such ridiculous things as a yawn down a phone line!!
My Mum warned me about this years ago, she used to say to me

"Sara, you're too giving and caring for your own good. You always take the burden of others' problems but do they do the same for you?"

And, she was right. I am a giver, a listener, a carer, a support and one to be counted on. And yes a 'bloody yawner down the phone accidentally!!"
From now on, I'm cutting the crap and if people can't accept me for who I am, then they can just FUCK!!

A Wholesome Distraction

After a 'heady' weekend, I decided that this week I need to focus on escapism from my head. Therefore I've decided to spend my time in the world of my favourite films.
Last night was an old favourite, Paris Texas by Wim Wenders. What a true classic this film is. The scenery is breathtaking, the storyline tugs at my heart, the music by Ry Cooder fits the atmosphere perfectly. The acting by Harry Dean Stanton and Natassja Kinski is outstanding and emotionally believable.
I love the storyline in this film, indeed it struck a chord with me way back in the late 80s, the first time I ever saw it. The story focusses on what can happen when 'love breaks down' and obsession, jealousy and destructive forces take a hold of the psyche.
The reality of how frail and yet destructive we can be as humans is cleverly highlighted. The quest for solace and peace, going back to our source, when all has gone amok, is also wonderfully shown.
Imagine that, walking to the middle of nowhere for 4 years! 4 years of being mute,of seeing no-one, of forgetting time, people, words, history and love, yet surviving through it all - My that's one hell of an achievement.

Water appeals

An urge to jump
Into the blue.
All consumed
By the depths
Of fathoms.
Low
Slow.
Soft cushion
For my pain.
Breath taken
By depth.
Minerally rewarding
To a final defeat.
End to loneliness
In this metropolis.
Milena did
So can I.

That Dark, Empty Pain is here again

Listening to Josh Ritter again today - Haven't listened to him for a while because he does strange things to my emotions. I listened to a few tracks from his new CD and BANG - I'm distraught again. I miss my friend - I miss him so, it pains far too much. I wish he missed me but you can't force feelings and when feelings aren't reciprocated, you have to try somehow to move on. I'm finding this increasingly harder or maybe I'm just having one of 'those' days. :(
On the positive, this proves that Josh Ritter is a fantastic songwriter - he's able to reach a deep place inside the heart and soul.

Wow -The Power of Dreaming

Wow what a heavy night of dreaming for me last night. The story goes as follows;
I was in Nottingham where random weirdness was occurring, I ended up at a really big warehouse party where Kylie was performing :( Strange, as I'm not a Kylie fan! She looked old, worn out and tired in my dream. Her left hand was also bandaged and limp?
My fiend and I were dancing to her music but then we got bored, sat down and took some Magic Mushrooms! These were also weird in shape and texture - they were almost like icicles! I became really sensitive to visuals around me and sound - due to the mushrooms.
I wondered into a large hallway to be met by the person I write poems about a lot. He'd just been headbutted by a girlfriend of quite a while. He then saw me, walked over to me and headbutted me!! How strange! I then saw another old friend from years ago who I heard saying
"Wow there's Sara - I've always fancied Sara" Even stranger!!
I moved off into a room where the music and vibe were great and the people having a great time. The next minute I'm on my bike cycling along a steep cliff whereby I almost cycle over it, by accident of course!Panic, anxiety, heart racing.

End of dream.

My, what a weird dream that was. I woke up this morning thinking about Carl Jung and his theory about dreams and the collective consciousness. What an enlightening theory to wake up to!

Cut him some slack?

Well I've had a really busy but contemplative week this week. My head's been in a weird place for quite some time to be honest, however after a night out with friends last night and alot of crying, heartache and pondering, the dark, stormy clouds seemed to have lifted somewhat today. Indeed I feel ready to face the world again with an air of positivity, a smile and generally feeling like I'm in a better place emotionally.
My son's been pissing me off big style though this week. He thinks he has a hard time of it and I'm too strict. Too bloody right I am when he's turning up an hour and 20 minutes late;9.30pm is the time I want him home. He arrived home at 10.40pm tonight and I ain't cutting him no slack.
No he's now grounded for a week, until he realises the point I am trying to make regarding trust, worry and respect. I've explained this to him before but my worries have obviously not been noted so time to GET HARSH!!
I look forward to the screaming ball of rage, that will be my wake up call in the morning!

Words of wisdom?

Days like today are weird. I've been thinking about all the mistakes (if that's what they are called) I've made in life, as indeed, we all randomly do.Not in a depressive way though, I must say. With regards to mine, it seems some of the mistakes I've made, are with the men I've chose to, at one point or another, settle down with.

Now thinking about this on a rational level, I tell myself that 'it's all a learning experience' 'people often grow apart' etc, etc. It's funny though how you meet people and end up in long term relationships to come out of them years down the line thinking to yourself...

"My God I've spent so much time of my life with you and for what? OK in my case two lovely young sons!"

Indeed so much time with a person, that you were once so close to. How is it people drift apart so much? Is it the everyday stresses that we endure as humans? Is it the plain old fact that some people are just NOT compatible? Are we more misguided when we're younger about the right choices for us?
And please, don't get me wrong, all the men I've had long term relationships with have been lovely, kind, caring people in their own way, who have loved me in the best way they know possible.

I recall my mother saying to me when I was 24 years old and pregnant

"Are you sure this is what you want? What about all of your plans to see the world and enjoy so many other things" She uttered.

"Of course, I'll be fine, it won't change my life that much and I'll travel when I'm older" Said I.

My rational, strong, free-spirited head was thinking that I'd be fine, I'd cope and life would be fine. Looking back on this time, I wasn't wholly 'in love' with my son's father. I liked who he was in many ways but there was just something quite 'not there' for me. Deep down in my heart, I knew I wouldn't be with this man for the rest of my life. This may well sound strange to all of you who read this but it's true and I felt it.

The second time I got pregnant, years later, was a more happy, settled union, albeit with differing problems, which with time, increased and increased it seemed to the point of no return.

So I look back now at my life and think about whether my Mum's words were wise. I think my Mum sensed that I haven't always been wholly 'content'. I think in many ways, she felt I deserved a better deal. So why didn't I think that?
I wouldn't change anything in my life though, because it has made me who I am today (rational head stepping in again) and has made me an even more understanding person regarding the 'human condition'.
I suppose in many ways though, we go on in life falling into some of the most unlikely unions and just become settled; we assume that's 'good enough' and 'just put up with what you've got'.
But is it really right to think this? Age tells me not and maybe with hindsight,I should've listened to my wise Mum a little harder.I wish she was still here,so I could talk to her on a deeper level about this again.
I divert my thoughs to my childhood years, my air of independence, being a middle child. My fear of people getting too close and me backing off.I don't know why I felt this but I did. My running away from home, when I was 5 and 7 years old, hiding to see if my Mum followed me; me craving attention I sense.
All of these things make me think that on some level, I have to look at myself and the part I've played in making mistakes, where my long term relationships are concerned.

Spaced, let me introduce you to the world of..

Listened to an old CD last night - In fact the Spaced series soundtrack CD. I've truly forgot how good this CD is and indeed this old series. A brief description courtesy of the BBC! Happy reading and watchimg!!

London, present day. Tim is an aspiring fantasy-comic graphic artist who has just split up with Sarah, the love of his life. She has rejected Tim in favour of his arch-rival, the smooth Duane. Daisy is an aspiring writer-journalist desperate to leave the squat where she lives; she is also in the final throes of a long-distance relationship with the drippy Richard, who hails from Hull.

Tim and Daisy meet in a café, both poring over accommodation advertisements, and after a few such encounters a friendship develops. When they spot an advert for the perfect flat (23 Meteor Street, Tufnell Park, north London) they decide to overcome the stated snag - the place is offered only to a professional couple - by posing as such, and they successfully take possession, renting the flat from daunting landlady Marsha Klein. She is a scary woman, possessing a penetrating stare and a huge capacity for cigarettes and alcohol.

Renting elsewhere in the house is Brian, an intense artist who seems initially mysterious - even sinister - but is actually pathologically shy, and Marsha's daughter Amber, never seen apart from the occasional leg or departing back. Also on the scene is Mike, Tim's best friend, a weapon-obsessed, former Territorial Army soldier thrown out for stealing a tank; and Twist, Daisy's dipsy best friend, with whom she has nothing in common. Peripheral characters in the story include Bilbo, the owner of the comic shop Fantasy Bazaar, where Tim works, and Tyres, a dance-music-obsessed pushbike messenger.

As the first series progressed so the sexual tension between Tim and Daisy developed, though - with both still smarting from their previous relationships - they remained wary of becoming too involved. Twist unexpectedly started seeing Brian, Mike - to his delight - was accepted back into the TA, and Daisy and Tim took in a dog (Colin), an obvious child substitute. In the second series, Daisy returned from a trip to India to find that Mike had moved into her old room; Tim was in shock (owing to the awfulness of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace) and Brian's artistry was suffering because he had found happiness with Twist. Things soon reverted to normal, though, and when Amber moved out and Mike took over her room he became a permanent housemate. Tim realised his ambition to work for Dark Star comics and entered into a new relationship, much to the chagrin of Daisy who was obviously in love with him.


I urge anyone, if you've never seen Spaced, go out there and buy it. It still makes me laugh as much as it did all them years ago!!