Well, I woke up quite early this morning after getting a decent night's sleep. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to read all of the old emails that I received from the person I love, dated from March 1st 2005 - nearly two years ago;luckily I'd printed these off and saved them, which was a good thing I did, as they were on my old PC which conked out a long time ago and thus would've meant that I'd have lost all of these precious messages. I thought to myself that although I'd had a shit day, his messages would make me feel happier and indeed bring a warm glow to my heart.
To read these messages and reflect on this time, brought a few tears to my eyes, not in a depressing way but in a reflecting way. I remember being so touched by meeting this person and a great need to see him again.
I remember so clearly, so many things about the first night that I met him. I also remember standing with him in the Old Market Square of Nottingham and talking about our live's complications - I guess I was trying to push him away at this point because I didn't think it was fair for him to have to deal with what my life was like back then and the complicated situation I was in..however, he was persistent and insisted we saw each other again. This persistence worked wonders! I also remember that we tried to go for a coffee together but the place we wanted to go to, was closed. So instead, we sat at a bus stop and talked about a lot of different things - Iceland being one of the subjects of our discussion.
Anyway, back to the messages! The messages are really touching, sweet and revealed to me that I'd met a person with a lot of depth, imagination and passion. I remember when I first read them, that they moved me in some strange way and just were 'me' in many ways too. Almost like when a person you meet, gives you that sense of letting you finally be 'who you really are on a romantic, imaginative and passionate level' and awakening of who you really are and indeed want to be.. I'd searched for this feeling all of my life with men but never found the sort of depth I found with my new found love.
The messages brought a smile to my face and made me think about where we are today as people and indeed how much has changed in our lives since this time. For me, many things have changed for the better. One thing's for sure though, although we know each other a lot better than when we first met - I still feel the emotions that I felt on that February night in 2005..
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
God! I Could Fucking Scream............
Today, I woke up feeling fine. As the day went on, I started to feel like the way I live my life is futile. The ridiculousness of chasing up data for my job, which in fact isn't my bloody responsibilty, especially when I've qualified to be a teacher, really grates on me..
My eldest son too, is really grating on me. I was told to 'F*** off' this morning. Been called a 'fat cow and to stop eating less' amongst a load of other abuse. Makes me laugh cos I don't eat loads and I never brought him up to call people names like that..Where have I gone wrong? (I guess the politicians and moralists would be banging on about 'single parenting' bullshit!)
I seriously want to knock his head off right now but I've grounded him instead. I actually, at this moment in time wouldn't give a damn if he went to live abroad with his father. I'd be happy about this right now...harsh words I know but truthful and will be probably be regrestful in the morning.
I'm also sick of my ex still not having a proper place to live and relying on others - 43 years old and drifting along, as though the world will all fall into place really pisses me off!! I'm sick to the back teeth of it, in all honesty...I try to be kind and helpful but I sometimes feel that by acting this way, doesn't actually help some people to get their shit together - ie; HIM.
I feel like proper fucking off today and never returning to this 'life as I know it' right now. I'm having a bad day, so don't take it all literally..I'm just sounding out that's all. I'm sure I'll feel a lot calmer tomorrow when I've slept and wake up refreshed.
My Mum, when she was alive and when the 'homelife' became too much, used to take herself off for 3 days or so. I actually think I've inherited some of her 'flitting off' genes, when everything feels too much. She'd just leave the house, without telling us where she was going and then return, when her head was clear. I can totally relate to the need for doing this at times.
I actually keep thinking myself about a life elsewhere. I really feel like I could do with living in a slower, calmer and not so manic environment, away from the hustle and bustle that Nottingham and the cities of England, are beginning to feel like... I can't see me doing this for a long, long time in all honesty but the feeling of itchy feet is becoming a regular thought in my mind...
Oh well chin up Sara, new day tomorrow - it'll soon be here!
My eldest son too, is really grating on me. I was told to 'F*** off' this morning. Been called a 'fat cow and to stop eating less' amongst a load of other abuse. Makes me laugh cos I don't eat loads and I never brought him up to call people names like that..Where have I gone wrong? (I guess the politicians and moralists would be banging on about 'single parenting' bullshit!)
I seriously want to knock his head off right now but I've grounded him instead. I actually, at this moment in time wouldn't give a damn if he went to live abroad with his father. I'd be happy about this right now...harsh words I know but truthful and will be probably be regrestful in the morning.
I'm also sick of my ex still not having a proper place to live and relying on others - 43 years old and drifting along, as though the world will all fall into place really pisses me off!! I'm sick to the back teeth of it, in all honesty...I try to be kind and helpful but I sometimes feel that by acting this way, doesn't actually help some people to get their shit together - ie; HIM.
I feel like proper fucking off today and never returning to this 'life as I know it' right now. I'm having a bad day, so don't take it all literally..I'm just sounding out that's all. I'm sure I'll feel a lot calmer tomorrow when I've slept and wake up refreshed.
My Mum, when she was alive and when the 'homelife' became too much, used to take herself off for 3 days or so. I actually think I've inherited some of her 'flitting off' genes, when everything feels too much. She'd just leave the house, without telling us where she was going and then return, when her head was clear. I can totally relate to the need for doing this at times.
I actually keep thinking myself about a life elsewhere. I really feel like I could do with living in a slower, calmer and not so manic environment, away from the hustle and bustle that Nottingham and the cities of England, are beginning to feel like... I can't see me doing this for a long, long time in all honesty but the feeling of itchy feet is becoming a regular thought in my mind...
Oh well chin up Sara, new day tomorrow - it'll soon be here!
Monday, January 29, 2007
Those whom depart us......
Last week, a dear work colleague's son, died at the age of 29 years old from a problem with his heart. When I heard this news, tears overcame me and I couldn't but feel such a sadness for my colleague and the depth of loss, that she must've been feeling as a mother; How difficult and unimaginable it must be to lose a son like this - unexpectedly and with no warning.
His death made me think about how I felt when I lost my Mum and the emotions one encounters when you lose a loved one;disbelief, shock, a sadness that you've never experienced before in your life, anger, futility, reflection, pain and many more emotions.
It also made me realise that life is so valuable, in so many ways. We are but here, for such a short time, in the grand scheme of things that we should live life to the best that we can; give love to those whom we hold dear, let those we love - know that we love them, enjoy each moment as a precious moment, value nature and all of the beauty that we have around us when we can. In many ways, we should go with what is right for us and indeed enjoy life as much as we can...and indeed ensure that we live a life that gives us the fulfillment that each of us deserve.
So, today I still feel a sense of sadness when I think about my work colleague and her loss. I think about my Mum and the loveliness she also gave to me throughout my life. I also get to thinking about the 'cosmic' reasons surrounding life..do we just die? Or do our souls move on to another realm? I wonder about these things so much that I guess this is a question I'll never know the answer to..then again, sometimes in life it's good to have unanswered questions.
For my dear work colleague Jenny -may comfort and strength be with you at this difficult time...
His death made me think about how I felt when I lost my Mum and the emotions one encounters when you lose a loved one;disbelief, shock, a sadness that you've never experienced before in your life, anger, futility, reflection, pain and many more emotions.
It also made me realise that life is so valuable, in so many ways. We are but here, for such a short time, in the grand scheme of things that we should live life to the best that we can; give love to those whom we hold dear, let those we love - know that we love them, enjoy each moment as a precious moment, value nature and all of the beauty that we have around us when we can. In many ways, we should go with what is right for us and indeed enjoy life as much as we can...and indeed ensure that we live a life that gives us the fulfillment that each of us deserve.
So, today I still feel a sense of sadness when I think about my work colleague and her loss. I think about my Mum and the loveliness she also gave to me throughout my life. I also get to thinking about the 'cosmic' reasons surrounding life..do we just die? Or do our souls move on to another realm? I wonder about these things so much that I guess this is a question I'll never know the answer to..then again, sometimes in life it's good to have unanswered questions.
For my dear work colleague Jenny -may comfort and strength be with you at this difficult time...
Don't be Sad....
For my dear loved one....
Sensing Sadness
I can feel the sadness
In his heart
I want to hold him
Closely.
I can sense the pain
In his voice
I want to love him
Always.
I can see the worry
In his eyes
I want him to see
Clarity.
I offer to him
A warmth
Of love and sincerity
Forever.
Sensing Sadness
I can feel the sadness
In his heart
I want to hold him
Closely.
I can sense the pain
In his voice
I want to love him
Always.
I can see the worry
In his eyes
I want him to see
Clarity.
I offer to him
A warmth
Of love and sincerity
Forever.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Heart Pangs
Hmm tis a weird one but since my friend Lorna left today, I started to feel the 'heart pangs' again; Sitting at my PC and thinking about the person I love so much..
Sometimes I guess as people, we try to suppress feelings, to protect our hearts and as a way of coping with so much love in our hearts but I realise, that you really can't suppress strong feelings because they always re-surface when you least expect it! I guess the human heart, mind and instinct, likes to continually communicate with us about such things..I guess too, it's refreshing to be able to 'feel' such strong emotion...I'm actually happy and indeed content that I have the capacity to be able to 'go with' these feelings and indeed, not let them carry me away on some negative trip but rather, be grateful that I have such strong emotion...
Sometimes I guess as people, we try to suppress feelings, to protect our hearts and as a way of coping with so much love in our hearts but I realise, that you really can't suppress strong feelings because they always re-surface when you least expect it! I guess the human heart, mind and instinct, likes to continually communicate with us about such things..I guess too, it's refreshing to be able to 'feel' such strong emotion...I'm actually happy and indeed content that I have the capacity to be able to 'go with' these feelings and indeed, not let them carry me away on some negative trip but rather, be grateful that I have such strong emotion...
Dance, Drink, Eat, Be Happy and reflectivity...
Hello out there in cyberworld..pretty much had a good weekend. Dancing and necking back Jaegermeisters on Friday. Saturday, chilled out and my friend came over for take away curry and basically chilling out' early night for me - 11.30pm on a Saturday is what I call pretty early. However this was good because I woke up this morning early and refreshed for the day ahead. So, I decided to go for a small walk and a Sunday dinner in a local pub...very filling indeed, in fact, I feel FULL!!!!!
I was somewhat sad about Saturday night, as the person I love rang me and enquired as to what I was doing. I would've loved to have seen him but I'd already planned to spend the time with my mate Lorna...I still had a good time though but it would've been lovely to share the night with him, I'm sure. I love spending time with him and I wish we did spend more time together but I know it'll be great to see him again, when I do visit him soon..
Been reading a scary story in the newspaper about the US inventing some sort of device to reflect the sun's rays, in the hope of slowing down global warming..Hmmm, suspicious about this one.
Ain't it about time people actually got out of their cars, stopped being so wasteful, had access to better and efficient ways of living, blah blah blah? Maybe this would slow down things a little re.global warming..I'm sick to the back teeth that the planet has got to where it is, when some of us environmental beings have been banging on about change since the 60s for god's sake! George W, the sooner you exit the Whitehouse, the better!!!!!
I was somewhat sad about Saturday night, as the person I love rang me and enquired as to what I was doing. I would've loved to have seen him but I'd already planned to spend the time with my mate Lorna...I still had a good time though but it would've been lovely to share the night with him, I'm sure. I love spending time with him and I wish we did spend more time together but I know it'll be great to see him again, when I do visit him soon..
Been reading a scary story in the newspaper about the US inventing some sort of device to reflect the sun's rays, in the hope of slowing down global warming..Hmmm, suspicious about this one.
Ain't it about time people actually got out of their cars, stopped being so wasteful, had access to better and efficient ways of living, blah blah blah? Maybe this would slow down things a little re.global warming..I'm sick to the back teeth that the planet has got to where it is, when some of us environmental beings have been banging on about change since the 60s for god's sake! George W, the sooner you exit the Whitehouse, the better!!!!!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Magical
Although as stated in my previous posts, I'm just a friend to the person I love, it's such a weird one. I went to see him again last night and the more time I spend in his company, my feelings are always the same for him..I don't know what it is with me and him but there always feels like some 'cosmic' understanding is there between us...I have such strong feelings. I didn't cry when I left him last night, Iwas in a happy, silly mood...however when I think about certain things, as I have this morning, I feel like crying. Not in a bad way, but just because of the depth of feelings I guess, that I do have for him.
Sometimes I think to myself -
'I wish our lives were different, or indeed, more similar..sometimes I don't think this should be an issue. Sometimes I feel like I want to let him 'fly away' and meet a woman around his own age, who he can settle down with and experience the 'family' sort of life, that I've experienced as a Mother. Sometimes I wish we could just run off together and be together in our own bubble. Sometimes, I don't know what to think. Sometimes, I have to break off from these feelings because I feel so sad. Sometimes, I think about the passionate times we've shared (actually this is a regular occurrence rather than a sometimes) Even as I was waiting to get on the bus last night, my heart flipped and I got a dull ache in my stomach's pit when I thought about certain moments with him...
I think I'm stronger now than I used to be, regarding my emotions but the depth of feeling never departs me.
Sometimes I think to myself -
'I wish our lives were different, or indeed, more similar..sometimes I don't think this should be an issue. Sometimes I feel like I want to let him 'fly away' and meet a woman around his own age, who he can settle down with and experience the 'family' sort of life, that I've experienced as a Mother. Sometimes I wish we could just run off together and be together in our own bubble. Sometimes, I don't know what to think. Sometimes, I have to break off from these feelings because I feel so sad. Sometimes, I think about the passionate times we've shared (actually this is a regular occurrence rather than a sometimes) Even as I was waiting to get on the bus last night, my heart flipped and I got a dull ache in my stomach's pit when I thought about certain moments with him...
I think I'm stronger now than I used to be, regarding my emotions but the depth of feeling never departs me.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
My, does my world feel like a good place this week
Apart from egomaniacs, my world is feeling like a good place. My kids seem a lot more settled, I'm going with the flow re:my job, I have a busy weekend lined up and I'm just enjoying life without emotional crap.
I'm loving my house and the peace I feel at night. I'm actually feeling like I don't need many people around me anymore. This is good for me. Indeed, many of my friends have fallen into steady relationships. I still thought we'd all have quite a bit of contact but it has to be said, that this has dwindled. Strange really how people put their all into relationships and drift away slightly from friendships. In many ways though, I understand this but also, I appreciate this; it's made me realise that I can be really happy without another person to fulfill me..I fulfill myself, my kids fulfill me, my job (mainly) fulfills me.
I'm liking the fact that I'm enjoying a solitary way of being again and indeed a lot more self-reliant on an emotional level. Not needing friends to offload to, liking who I am and enjoying the real simple things in my life. I'd actually love to go off on a retreat somewhere....a dear friend was suggesting this to me the other day and I reckon I'd love it...It won't be happening right now though..maybe later in the year. I'll have my own little retreat when I head off into the Peaks for further happiness and solace.
I'm loving my house and the peace I feel at night. I'm actually feeling like I don't need many people around me anymore. This is good for me. Indeed, many of my friends have fallen into steady relationships. I still thought we'd all have quite a bit of contact but it has to be said, that this has dwindled. Strange really how people put their all into relationships and drift away slightly from friendships. In many ways though, I understand this but also, I appreciate this; it's made me realise that I can be really happy without another person to fulfill me..I fulfill myself, my kids fulfill me, my job (mainly) fulfills me.
I'm liking the fact that I'm enjoying a solitary way of being again and indeed a lot more self-reliant on an emotional level. Not needing friends to offload to, liking who I am and enjoying the real simple things in my life. I'd actually love to go off on a retreat somewhere....a dear friend was suggesting this to me the other day and I reckon I'd love it...It won't be happening right now though..maybe later in the year. I'll have my own little retreat when I head off into the Peaks for further happiness and solace.
Thought for the day........
Beware those with a larger than life ego! I say,
"GET REAL YOU TWATS, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING! The quicker these people understand this, then a better place the world will be!
"GET REAL YOU TWATS, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING! The quicker these people understand this, then a better place the world will be!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The First Snows of 2007
Hooray! Snow has descended on Nottingham. I love snow! At these times, I want to be high up in the Peaks and admiring the beauty of the beautiful white blanket of this magical substance...
Been enquiring about staying in the Peaks in February and hopefully, this will materialise...I feel a great urge to get off out into the beautiful scenery of Edale - never do I tire of this magical place.I've been visiting there over 12 years now and it's now like an annual, regular ritual for me to visit there and indeed, appreciate the beauty I find when I'm there. B and B sounds the way forward in February.I'd love fo there to be thick blankets ofsnow covering the beautiful landscape but I fear the snows of January will be long gone...I await some wonderful walks and peace of mind.
Looking forward to meeting up with a few friends on Friday, to go to one of my favourite club nights. Always a good atmosphere and friendly vibe..I await getting my body into a dancing mentality.
I'm also visiting my friend tomorrow night, however, I now realise that our friendship, through his decision, has become non -physical again..I guess he's searching for something else in life and I'm not that 'something else'...which I guess, I now have to come to a point of acceptance and realisation about this and slowly drift forward...
Been enquiring about staying in the Peaks in February and hopefully, this will materialise...I feel a great urge to get off out into the beautiful scenery of Edale - never do I tire of this magical place.I've been visiting there over 12 years now and it's now like an annual, regular ritual for me to visit there and indeed, appreciate the beauty I find when I'm there. B and B sounds the way forward in February.I'd love fo there to be thick blankets ofsnow covering the beautiful landscape but I fear the snows of January will be long gone...I await some wonderful walks and peace of mind.
Looking forward to meeting up with a few friends on Friday, to go to one of my favourite club nights. Always a good atmosphere and friendly vibe..I await getting my body into a dancing mentality.
I'm also visiting my friend tomorrow night, however, I now realise that our friendship, through his decision, has become non -physical again..I guess he's searching for something else in life and I'm not that 'something else'...which I guess, I now have to come to a point of acceptance and realisation about this and slowly drift forward...
Monday, January 22, 2007
Awaiting.........
OK, so now I live a little more for the present, in some respects however, I do love to think about things I want to do in the near future. I have a week free from work in February and feel tempted to sod off to The Peaks for a few nights, whilst my son stays with his Dad. I'm thinking off possibly staying in a YHA place in Edale, or maybe a B and B if I can get a room. I could just do with some good, strenuous walking to start getting my body ready for spring time.
I'm also seriously contemplating visiting my friends in Mauritius. It's damned expensive but if I got my act together, got a new credit card - I reckon I could do it. I have until August to save and so far, I've managed to bank £100..not much but alot in my case. I know it'd be a chance of a lifetime to visit there and my freinds have assured me that it's right 'up my street' re. the culture out there. So, we'll see...
I'd love to do some European travel too and visit and old mate in Denmark but I'll hang fire with that one for now I think. If Mauritius doesn't materialise then I'll probably end up on a last minute whim somewhere. I'd actually love and indeed dream to visit Venice one day - it looks so enchanting! Better get saving the pennies, if I can afford to..I'll feedback to you the saving's progress in 6 months! I envisage 250 being the max - we'll see..
I'm also seriously contemplating visiting my friends in Mauritius. It's damned expensive but if I got my act together, got a new credit card - I reckon I could do it. I have until August to save and so far, I've managed to bank £100..not much but alot in my case. I know it'd be a chance of a lifetime to visit there and my freinds have assured me that it's right 'up my street' re. the culture out there. So, we'll see...
I'd love to do some European travel too and visit and old mate in Denmark but I'll hang fire with that one for now I think. If Mauritius doesn't materialise then I'll probably end up on a last minute whim somewhere. I'd actually love and indeed dream to visit Venice one day - it looks so enchanting! Better get saving the pennies, if I can afford to..I'll feedback to you the saving's progress in 6 months! I envisage 250 being the max - we'll see..
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Child of Neptune
Apparently, according to some silly quiz that a friend sent to me - I'm a child of Neptune..
http://www.myspace.com/wildflowermoonchild
Check out the link to find a detailed description about me...Seems to be pretty accurate in some ways.
I think I've gotten over my earlier blip. My head just went into a weird headspace for a bit..It does that now and then. It starts to wonder off and get really contemplative and reflective. I just have so many dreams about so many things, that I guess it all consumes me at times.
I mean, yesterday I sit there on my sofa, reading the newspaper and start dreaming off in some fantasy about being with the person I love and sharing this moment. I always have fantasies about doing different things with him..Is this a good thing or a bad thing? This has been my head state now for nearly 2 years!
Thoughts of him, enter my head most of the day..as soon as I wake up, there he is, in my head. Whilst I'm at work, there he is, in my head. Cycling on my bike, there he is, in my head. Out with friends, there he is, in my head. Cooking food, there he is, in my head..
Blimey, I guess I feel a bit like Frida Kahlo and the love she felt for Diego - the picture she painted of her and him with his face being imprinted right there in her mind's eye, said it all for me...constantly on her mind, in her thoughts and implying that he was always a part of her...
http://www.myspace.com/wildflowermoonchild
Check out the link to find a detailed description about me...Seems to be pretty accurate in some ways.
I think I've gotten over my earlier blip. My head just went into a weird headspace for a bit..It does that now and then. It starts to wonder off and get really contemplative and reflective. I just have so many dreams about so many things, that I guess it all consumes me at times.
I mean, yesterday I sit there on my sofa, reading the newspaper and start dreaming off in some fantasy about being with the person I love and sharing this moment. I always have fantasies about doing different things with him..Is this a good thing or a bad thing? This has been my head state now for nearly 2 years!
Thoughts of him, enter my head most of the day..as soon as I wake up, there he is, in my head. Whilst I'm at work, there he is, in my head. Cycling on my bike, there he is, in my head. Out with friends, there he is, in my head. Cooking food, there he is, in my head..
Blimey, I guess I feel a bit like Frida Kahlo and the love she felt for Diego - the picture she painted of her and him with his face being imprinted right there in her mind's eye, said it all for me...constantly on her mind, in her thoughts and implying that he was always a part of her...
The Fool
Ever get the feeling that maybe, you're being taken for a fool? Hmm... I need to think carefully about this one..I really do. My instinct is telling me something a bit worrying and has actually started to trouble me in the last hour or so.
Am I right to follow my instinct or is my mind just playing tricks on me? I think I need to go back to bed and cry..........
Am I right to follow my instinct or is my mind just playing tricks on me? I think I need to go back to bed and cry..........
There is hope..
My daily job involves working with many different people, with all sorts of problems. Recently, I worked with a wonderful student, who has schizophrenia and who was such a treasure to teach. I couldn't believe the amount of poetry this student could recite and recount from his distant memory. We used to have long conversations about his 'illness'. I actually don't always like to think of schizophrenia as an 'illness' because who actually knows the true facts about this condition?
Much research is still being carried out about schizophrenia and I'm sure much more will be found out about it. I've also read a poem today about someone who talks about 'voices and sounds in their head', which struck a chord somewhat, due to my own personal experiences of friends who experience this.
My son's uncle is a diagnosed 'paranoid schizohprenic'. He was diagnosed about 12 years ago at the height of his psychosis. At this time he was extremely paranoid - he thought he was being bugged by th police when he was in a certain pub. He was violent to his brother (my ex) and often tried to beat the shit out of him. He burned a cross onto his arm which left a huge scar. He saw all sorts of strange 'people' which I couldn't see. He believed that he was in some sort of relationship with a woman at a school, who in fact, he'd never met before. At the height of his psychosis, it was necessary for his family to encourage, or should I say 'coerce' him into hospital because he was a danger to himself mainly; We were all fearful that he was about to do something that would risk his life - his behaviour had pointed to this over time. At this time, he couldn't see this and hated his family for coercing him to be 'sectioned' under the mental health act.
Today? He's a lot better. He takes medication although he hates it at times. He sometimes stops his medication for a few months but then tends to get worse again. In many ways, he feels his own schizophrenia was caused by too many drugs in his early years - amphetamines, LSD and Cannabis were his drugs of choice. He also thinks part of his childhood was to blame because his mother was always 'vacant' - being an alcoholic and a single parent. She also tended to be a little violent towards him and apparently, he suffered the worse out of all of the children.
On the positive though, he's doing well now. He goes to college, he maintains a boat for himself, he has a good social life and good friends. He trusts people a little better than he did, he jokes about his 'illness' rather than getting embarrassed and angry about it. He accepts that this is the way he right now. He laughs again and is able to see humour and light in the darkness that was around him for so many years...
Anyway, because of these things and the poem I read today, I had an urge to read a little more about others' experiences and found this interesting article, written by a woman who experiences schizophrenia.....
What Is It Like to Have Schizophrenia?
Despite her illness, Janice Jordan has successfully accomplished work as a technical editor for over 20 years and has completed a book of poetry based on her experiences.
“The schizophrenic experience can be a terrifying journey through a world of madness no one can understand, particularly the person travelling through it. It is a journey through a world that is deranged, empty, and devoid of anchors to reality. You feel very much alone. You find it easier to withdraw than cope with a reality that is incongruent with your fantasy world. You feel tormented by distorted perceptions. You cannot distinguish what is real from what is unreal. Schizophrenia affects all aspects of your life. Your thoughts race and you feel fragmented and so very alone with your “craziness...”
“I have suffered from schizophrenia for over 25 years. In fact, I can't think of a time when I wasn't plagued with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. At times, I feel like the operator in my brain just doesn't get the message to the right people. It can be very confusing to have to deal with different people in my head. When I become fragmented in my thinking, I start to have my worst problems. I have been hospitalized because of this illness many times, sometimes for as long as 2 to 4 months.
I guess the moment I started recovering was when I asked for help in coping with the schizophrenia. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it.
I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings and my paranoia. I could see him and hear him, but no one else could.
The problems were compounded when I went off to college. Suddenly, the Controller started demanding all my time and energy. He would punish me if I did something he didn't like. He spent a lot of time yelling at me and making me feel wicked. I didn't know how to stop him from screaming at me and ruling my existence. It got to the point where I couldn't decipher reality from what the Controller was screaming. So I withdrew from society and reality. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening because I was so afraid of being labelled as “crazy.” I didn't understand what was going on in my head. I really thought that other “normal” people had Controllers too.
While the Controller was his most evident, I was desperately trying to earn my degree. The Controller was preventing me from coping with everyday events. I tried to hide this illness from everyone, particularly my family. How could I tell my family that I had this person inside my head, telling me what to do, think, and say?
It was becoming more and more difficult to attend classes and understand the subject matter. I spent most of my time listening to the Controller and his demands. I really don't know how I made it through college...
Since my degree was in education, I got a job teaching third grade. That lasted about 3 months, and then I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. I just wasn't functioning in the outside world. I was very delusional and paranoid, and I spent much of my time engrossed with my fantasy world and the Controller.
My first therapist tried to get me to open up, but...I didn't trust her and couldn't tell her about the Controller. I was still so afraid of being labelled “crazy.” I really thought that I had done something evil in my life and that was why I had this craziness in my head. I was deathly afraid that I would end up like my three uncles, all of whom had committed suicide.
I didn't trust anyone. I thought perhaps I had a special calling in life, something beyond normal. Even though the Controller spent most of the time yelling his demands, I think I felt blessed in some strange way. I felt “above normal.” I think I had the most difficulty accepting that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else's world. I honestly thought everyone could see and hear him...I thought the world could read my mind and everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I walked around paralyzed with fear...
My psychosis was present at all times. At one point, I would look at my coworkers and their faces would become distorted. Their teeth looked like fangs ready to devour me. Most of the time I couldn't trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness... I knew something was wrong, and I blamed myself. None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.
I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “craziness.” Why had I been plagued with this illness? Why would God do this to me? Everyone around me was looking to blame someone or something. I blamed myself. I was sure it was my fault because I just knew I was wicked. I could see no other possibilities...
I do know that I could not have made it as far as I have today without the love and support of my family, my therapists, and my friends. It was their faith in my ability to overcome this potentially devastating illness that carried me through this journey.
...So many wonderful medications are now available to help alleviate the symptoms of mental illness. It is up to us, people with schizophrenia, to be patient and to be trusting. We must believe that tomorrow is another day, perhaps one day closer to fully understanding schizophrenia, to knowing its cause, and to finding a cure...”
Much research is still being carried out about schizophrenia and I'm sure much more will be found out about it. I've also read a poem today about someone who talks about 'voices and sounds in their head', which struck a chord somewhat, due to my own personal experiences of friends who experience this.
My son's uncle is a diagnosed 'paranoid schizohprenic'. He was diagnosed about 12 years ago at the height of his psychosis. At this time he was extremely paranoid - he thought he was being bugged by th police when he was in a certain pub. He was violent to his brother (my ex) and often tried to beat the shit out of him. He burned a cross onto his arm which left a huge scar. He saw all sorts of strange 'people' which I couldn't see. He believed that he was in some sort of relationship with a woman at a school, who in fact, he'd never met before. At the height of his psychosis, it was necessary for his family to encourage, or should I say 'coerce' him into hospital because he was a danger to himself mainly; We were all fearful that he was about to do something that would risk his life - his behaviour had pointed to this over time. At this time, he couldn't see this and hated his family for coercing him to be 'sectioned' under the mental health act.
Today? He's a lot better. He takes medication although he hates it at times. He sometimes stops his medication for a few months but then tends to get worse again. In many ways, he feels his own schizophrenia was caused by too many drugs in his early years - amphetamines, LSD and Cannabis were his drugs of choice. He also thinks part of his childhood was to blame because his mother was always 'vacant' - being an alcoholic and a single parent. She also tended to be a little violent towards him and apparently, he suffered the worse out of all of the children.
On the positive though, he's doing well now. He goes to college, he maintains a boat for himself, he has a good social life and good friends. He trusts people a little better than he did, he jokes about his 'illness' rather than getting embarrassed and angry about it. He accepts that this is the way he right now. He laughs again and is able to see humour and light in the darkness that was around him for so many years...
Anyway, because of these things and the poem I read today, I had an urge to read a little more about others' experiences and found this interesting article, written by a woman who experiences schizophrenia.....
What Is It Like to Have Schizophrenia?
Despite her illness, Janice Jordan has successfully accomplished work as a technical editor for over 20 years and has completed a book of poetry based on her experiences.
“The schizophrenic experience can be a terrifying journey through a world of madness no one can understand, particularly the person travelling through it. It is a journey through a world that is deranged, empty, and devoid of anchors to reality. You feel very much alone. You find it easier to withdraw than cope with a reality that is incongruent with your fantasy world. You feel tormented by distorted perceptions. You cannot distinguish what is real from what is unreal. Schizophrenia affects all aspects of your life. Your thoughts race and you feel fragmented and so very alone with your “craziness...”
“I have suffered from schizophrenia for over 25 years. In fact, I can't think of a time when I wasn't plagued with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. At times, I feel like the operator in my brain just doesn't get the message to the right people. It can be very confusing to have to deal with different people in my head. When I become fragmented in my thinking, I start to have my worst problems. I have been hospitalized because of this illness many times, sometimes for as long as 2 to 4 months.
I guess the moment I started recovering was when I asked for help in coping with the schizophrenia. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it.
I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings and my paranoia. I could see him and hear him, but no one else could.
The problems were compounded when I went off to college. Suddenly, the Controller started demanding all my time and energy. He would punish me if I did something he didn't like. He spent a lot of time yelling at me and making me feel wicked. I didn't know how to stop him from screaming at me and ruling my existence. It got to the point where I couldn't decipher reality from what the Controller was screaming. So I withdrew from society and reality. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening because I was so afraid of being labelled as “crazy.” I didn't understand what was going on in my head. I really thought that other “normal” people had Controllers too.
While the Controller was his most evident, I was desperately trying to earn my degree. The Controller was preventing me from coping with everyday events. I tried to hide this illness from everyone, particularly my family. How could I tell my family that I had this person inside my head, telling me what to do, think, and say?
It was becoming more and more difficult to attend classes and understand the subject matter. I spent most of my time listening to the Controller and his demands. I really don't know how I made it through college...
Since my degree was in education, I got a job teaching third grade. That lasted about 3 months, and then I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. I just wasn't functioning in the outside world. I was very delusional and paranoid, and I spent much of my time engrossed with my fantasy world and the Controller.
My first therapist tried to get me to open up, but...I didn't trust her and couldn't tell her about the Controller. I was still so afraid of being labelled “crazy.” I really thought that I had done something evil in my life and that was why I had this craziness in my head. I was deathly afraid that I would end up like my three uncles, all of whom had committed suicide.
I didn't trust anyone. I thought perhaps I had a special calling in life, something beyond normal. Even though the Controller spent most of the time yelling his demands, I think I felt blessed in some strange way. I felt “above normal.” I think I had the most difficulty accepting that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else's world. I honestly thought everyone could see and hear him...I thought the world could read my mind and everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I walked around paralyzed with fear...
My psychosis was present at all times. At one point, I would look at my coworkers and their faces would become distorted. Their teeth looked like fangs ready to devour me. Most of the time I couldn't trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness... I knew something was wrong, and I blamed myself. None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.
I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “craziness.” Why had I been plagued with this illness? Why would God do this to me? Everyone around me was looking to blame someone or something. I blamed myself. I was sure it was my fault because I just knew I was wicked. I could see no other possibilities...
I do know that I could not have made it as far as I have today without the love and support of my family, my therapists, and my friends. It was their faith in my ability to overcome this potentially devastating illness that carried me through this journey.
...So many wonderful medications are now available to help alleviate the symptoms of mental illness. It is up to us, people with schizophrenia, to be patient and to be trusting. We must believe that tomorrow is another day, perhaps one day closer to fully understanding schizophrenia, to knowing its cause, and to finding a cure...”
The joys of the weekend
Once again, I've had a lovely weekend. Saturday, I took things easy and read the paper. My eldest son went to see a Notts County match, which meant the whole house was mine again.My youngest son, was with his father as always, for the weekend.
I love being alone in the house, it gives me such a sense of peace and reflection. It lets me have the space my head needs right now.
Last night, I met up with some friends and went to a heavy 'dub reggae night'. What a wonderful night. The atmosphere was a really happy, friendly vibe and left me reminising about the beauty of the simple things in life; music, friends, nature -feeling like the world's a beautiful place. Again, I missed the person I love and wished he were with me but sometimes in life, you just have to accept things as they are and enjoy the times I do spend with him.
I walked home from the bus stop, which felt like quite a walk but it wasn't really (I was just tired, that's why it felt like a long walk.) I loved the stillness of the night. It was approx 4am and all around me was silence. No cars, no people, no business. Just me and my loving of the sights and sounds of nature around me; trees' branches were blowing and swaying in the wind, darkness was all around me except for the orangey tinge of street lights.
I love being out in the night when the world is so peaceful...there's something so magical and relaxing about it..
Today? I'm taking things easy..I was going to head into the city to a clothing fair but I'm a bit too tired to be honest, so I think I'll do something constructive as the day's weather has lent itself to this -like tidying my garden on this beautiful, sunny day.
I love being alone in the house, it gives me such a sense of peace and reflection. It lets me have the space my head needs right now.
Last night, I met up with some friends and went to a heavy 'dub reggae night'. What a wonderful night. The atmosphere was a really happy, friendly vibe and left me reminising about the beauty of the simple things in life; music, friends, nature -feeling like the world's a beautiful place. Again, I missed the person I love and wished he were with me but sometimes in life, you just have to accept things as they are and enjoy the times I do spend with him.
I walked home from the bus stop, which felt like quite a walk but it wasn't really (I was just tired, that's why it felt like a long walk.) I loved the stillness of the night. It was approx 4am and all around me was silence. No cars, no people, no business. Just me and my loving of the sights and sounds of nature around me; trees' branches were blowing and swaying in the wind, darkness was all around me except for the orangey tinge of street lights.
I love being out in the night when the world is so peaceful...there's something so magical and relaxing about it..
Today? I'm taking things easy..I was going to head into the city to a clothing fair but I'm a bit too tired to be honest, so I think I'll do something constructive as the day's weather has lent itself to this -like tidying my garden on this beautiful, sunny day.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Are we destined?
I've been thinking a lot recently about whether or not, our life map is pre determined. Are we, indeed at the hands of some larger force in the universe, that maps out our paths in life? I really don't know.
I sometimes think that maybe our life is mapped out, then other times, I argue with myself about this. It's like the scenario when you just know certain things are going to happen. Like the times when you know the phone is going to ring. The times when you and a friend both ring at the same time - like you're on some level of consciousness, that is felt by both of you.
The reason I'm interested in this is because of the love I have in my heart.
The first time I met the person I'm in deep love with, was extremely profound for me. I remember spending ages talking to him and feeling as though I'd known this person for ages. I felt as though our minds were just completely on the same level of conciousness. I felt that we were extremely similar, in the way we described and indeed became impassioned, about things in life. I knew I had to see this person again and see him, I did.
Although over time there's been differing complications and ups and downs, the early part of last year, we weren't in too much contact however, in my heart, I knew he'd be in contact with me again someday. I can't explain why I knew this but it was just a feeling inside, that kept on surfacing.
I also know that when I'm in his company and having discussions, I often think about a phrase or a subject and he often finishes off the sentence, or indeed knows what I'm going to say next. I've never had this huge sense of connection with anyone in my entire life.
Therefore, I do often go 'off in my head about ideas and thoughts' regarding the universe and destiny and indeed wondering about whether in the universe and on the grand scale of things, certain people are meant, even destined to find each other, to complete the puzzle, or the missing piece out of the jigsaw, so to speak.
I sometimes think that maybe our life is mapped out, then other times, I argue with myself about this. It's like the scenario when you just know certain things are going to happen. Like the times when you know the phone is going to ring. The times when you and a friend both ring at the same time - like you're on some level of consciousness, that is felt by both of you.
The reason I'm interested in this is because of the love I have in my heart.
The first time I met the person I'm in deep love with, was extremely profound for me. I remember spending ages talking to him and feeling as though I'd known this person for ages. I felt as though our minds were just completely on the same level of conciousness. I felt that we were extremely similar, in the way we described and indeed became impassioned, about things in life. I knew I had to see this person again and see him, I did.
Although over time there's been differing complications and ups and downs, the early part of last year, we weren't in too much contact however, in my heart, I knew he'd be in contact with me again someday. I can't explain why I knew this but it was just a feeling inside, that kept on surfacing.
I also know that when I'm in his company and having discussions, I often think about a phrase or a subject and he often finishes off the sentence, or indeed knows what I'm going to say next. I've never had this huge sense of connection with anyone in my entire life.
Therefore, I do often go 'off in my head about ideas and thoughts' regarding the universe and destiny and indeed wondering about whether in the universe and on the grand scale of things, certain people are meant, even destined to find each other, to complete the puzzle, or the missing piece out of the jigsaw, so to speak.
Desperately Seeking Closure
Well, as you know, I've now been split with my ex for quite some time. However, due to my ex having no proper 'living' address as yet, it's proving tough at times. At the moment, my ex stays at different places during the week. I know this is getting him down but it's also getting me down because I still feel like there's a part of him that I can't completely close off too, due to me storing alot of his stuff. I actually really want to clear the house of so many things but feel that I'm unable to do this at the moment. For me, when I move on in life, I have to 'physically' move on too - this can be in the form of redecorating the house to feel a sense of my 'owness'.
I just wish he'd get a grip on some level, get a job and rent privately. I understand his dilemma because he wants to get a housing association place, so that he can have an extra room for our son to stay with him. At the moment, he stays with his sister, brother and at my place now and then.
This, I'm not happy about but I'm trying to be calm about it and remember that this is a small thing, in the 'bigger picture' of time and life. I'd also hate to see him in a hostel but also if this were the case, he'd then lose his right to be housed, in an area close to his son. The housing situation really grates at times; The council have no accommodation for years - so much for social housing. Housing policy has meant that social housing has become harder and harder to attain. Luckily, my ex has a lot of points on a housing association list which hopefully means, he'll get a decent place of his own soon. I await with anticipation and urgency..
At times, I get angry about this situation but I always try and remember that I want to be of support and indeed understand the situation he's in. I know this will happen all in good time but sometimes, I just get fed up with the suituation. The main thing for me is, that my son is OK, sees his father regularly and enjoys building up his relationships with his Dad's family. Financially, I don't give a damn. I know from friends,that this is a big 'fighting block' for people who split up. Luckily, we have no mortgage together or joint finances..this has made things really simple in many ways. I actually don't even ask for any money from him at the moment, because his situation right now, doesn't lend itself to be able to do this. As long as he maintains contact with his son, is paramount to me. Luckily, our son has taken the split in his own stride. The good thing now, is that he's not confined to listening to two terribly unhappy people, bickering and arguing, as was sadly the case, when we lived together.
Funnily enough, for my ex, although the relationship break-up in some ways has been hard but necessary, positive things have occured because of this. He's now in touch with his Mum more and stays with his sister for most of the week, building on years of having no contact with her. Furthermore, my son has also been introduced to his Father's side of the family on a larger scale and this I'm glad for because before, he had hardly any contact whatsoever. He had good contact with his uncle but not his aunt and Grandmother. My son now looks so forward to staying with his Dad and his aunt at the weekends because he now has another cousing who he loves being cheeky too and playing with.
So, time will change these issues I know and I hope the best for my ex in the future. I know he'll be fine once he has a place of his own and indeed is able to start a new life in a place that he can call his and his son's home.
I just wish he'd get a grip on some level, get a job and rent privately. I understand his dilemma because he wants to get a housing association place, so that he can have an extra room for our son to stay with him. At the moment, he stays with his sister, brother and at my place now and then.
This, I'm not happy about but I'm trying to be calm about it and remember that this is a small thing, in the 'bigger picture' of time and life. I'd also hate to see him in a hostel but also if this were the case, he'd then lose his right to be housed, in an area close to his son. The housing situation really grates at times; The council have no accommodation for years - so much for social housing. Housing policy has meant that social housing has become harder and harder to attain. Luckily, my ex has a lot of points on a housing association list which hopefully means, he'll get a decent place of his own soon. I await with anticipation and urgency..
At times, I get angry about this situation but I always try and remember that I want to be of support and indeed understand the situation he's in. I know this will happen all in good time but sometimes, I just get fed up with the suituation. The main thing for me is, that my son is OK, sees his father regularly and enjoys building up his relationships with his Dad's family. Financially, I don't give a damn. I know from friends,that this is a big 'fighting block' for people who split up. Luckily, we have no mortgage together or joint finances..this has made things really simple in many ways. I actually don't even ask for any money from him at the moment, because his situation right now, doesn't lend itself to be able to do this. As long as he maintains contact with his son, is paramount to me. Luckily, our son has taken the split in his own stride. The good thing now, is that he's not confined to listening to two terribly unhappy people, bickering and arguing, as was sadly the case, when we lived together.
Funnily enough, for my ex, although the relationship break-up in some ways has been hard but necessary, positive things have occured because of this. He's now in touch with his Mum more and stays with his sister for most of the week, building on years of having no contact with her. Furthermore, my son has also been introduced to his Father's side of the family on a larger scale and this I'm glad for because before, he had hardly any contact whatsoever. He had good contact with his uncle but not his aunt and Grandmother. My son now looks so forward to staying with his Dad and his aunt at the weekends because he now has another cousing who he loves being cheeky too and playing with.
So, time will change these issues I know and I hope the best for my ex in the future. I know he'll be fine once he has a place of his own and indeed is able to start a new life in a place that he can call his and his son's home.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Hmm..I despair sometimes
Had a lovely day today; Hair done, budget shopping for bargains - and bargains did I find. I bought myself a lovely pair of black boots and a gorgeous red and black skirt, that had been reduced in the sale. Lucky me- at a grand cost of under £30! Bloody bargain.
I enjoyed walking around the city and felt quite at peace with the world. I then went off to a cafe for something to eat and to read my book. Unfortunately there were no 'proper height' dining tables to eat at, which distressed me a little because I'd ordered soup and had visioons of me spilling it all over me! Anyway, to put a bit of a dark cloud on my day, I noticed a free 'proper height' dining table and moved ahead to sit at it. A woman and her boyfriend went to sit at it too. I asked if they minded if I sat there, as I'd ordered some soup and wouldn't be able to eat it properly, as I didn't have a proper table to eat at. The woman looked at me and uttered the assertive words
"Yes I do mind"
I stared an icy stare that would've froze her on the spot, if I had magical powers! Sadly, I don't bloody have magical powers. I sat and thought about this. I'd actually been in the cafe before her and the staff had said I could have the next available table. I thought to myself, some people are just so 'self interested' and so unthoughtful. For God's sake I could've used the table and then moved away from it afterwards.
So, apart from this despairing and loathing for humanity at times, the day's been a good one.
I enjoyed walking around the city and felt quite at peace with the world. I then went off to a cafe for something to eat and to read my book. Unfortunately there were no 'proper height' dining tables to eat at, which distressed me a little because I'd ordered soup and had visioons of me spilling it all over me! Anyway, to put a bit of a dark cloud on my day, I noticed a free 'proper height' dining table and moved ahead to sit at it. A woman and her boyfriend went to sit at it too. I asked if they minded if I sat there, as I'd ordered some soup and wouldn't be able to eat it properly, as I didn't have a proper table to eat at. The woman looked at me and uttered the assertive words
"Yes I do mind"
I stared an icy stare that would've froze her on the spot, if I had magical powers! Sadly, I don't bloody have magical powers. I sat and thought about this. I'd actually been in the cafe before her and the staff had said I could have the next available table. I thought to myself, some people are just so 'self interested' and so unthoughtful. For God's sake I could've used the table and then moved away from it afterwards.
So, apart from this despairing and loathing for humanity at times, the day's been a good one.
Ethereal
My feelings?
Still the same
To be with you?
Ignites my flame.
Of love and desire;
Wild, glowing fire.
Illumination;your face
This heart does race.
In you I find a heaven;
A softness
Unknown before.
Opening my inner core
Love evermore.
Still the same
To be with you?
Ignites my flame.
Of love and desire;
Wild, glowing fire.
Illumination;your face
This heart does race.
In you I find a heaven;
A softness
Unknown before.
Opening my inner core
Love evermore.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
'Rock Chick' memories
Today, I've been listening to some of my old metal collection of music. In times gone by and I guess to a little extent now, I was a bit of a 'rock chick' , I'll have you know. I have absolutley fond memories of raucous nights at Rock City, The Tap and Tumbler, The Salutation, Trip to Jerusalem, The Angel, The 'old' Dragon and The Castle. I used to be big into metal and indeed grungy rock; Metallica, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, ACDC, Black Sabbath, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Faith No More, The Breeders, The Scorpions(Ughh) Pink Floyd, loads more when I think about it.
I loved that scene at the time although I hated the 'macho' crap that went along with it! I mean some of the men....well, the word misogyny always springs to mind when I think about them. Not all of them of course but quite a fair few. The rock scene does tend to breed misogyny in some ways.
I sort of preferred the 'indie/punk' scene I guess, as I thought the male population semed to be a little more enlightened about women and the like. I know I'm generalising here but that was my experience of the scene, when I frequented it. Indeed the punk scene was pretty big on women's issues thinking about it..
I remember one guy I met, many, many years ago(20 years to be precise, fuck! ) who asked me out on a date. He met me in Nottingham and was completely off his box on acid! The good thing though, was that he saw my eyes as 'butterflies' which was really quite endearing in many ways. I liked to think of my eyes as fluttery butterflies..must've been my make up and the colour of my irises that gave the butterfly effect! He also kept on trying to suggest that I was a 'real rock chick'..Dear me. What constitutes a rock chick? I guess I had the hair, the clothes, the look, back then..maybe?
Anyway, God knows why the poor soul chose to meet me whilst off his head on acid! The sad thing was, he hardly could talk and therefore, I never knew much about him, which was pretty much a good thing really, as I moved abroad shortly after making his aquaintance to continue Rock Chick antics in all things 'scandinavian style'. Hmm I have much, much more to write about, regarding this time. But not today........
I loved that scene at the time although I hated the 'macho' crap that went along with it! I mean some of the men....well, the word misogyny always springs to mind when I think about them. Not all of them of course but quite a fair few. The rock scene does tend to breed misogyny in some ways.
I sort of preferred the 'indie/punk' scene I guess, as I thought the male population semed to be a little more enlightened about women and the like. I know I'm generalising here but that was my experience of the scene, when I frequented it. Indeed the punk scene was pretty big on women's issues thinking about it..
I remember one guy I met, many, many years ago(20 years to be precise, fuck! ) who asked me out on a date. He met me in Nottingham and was completely off his box on acid! The good thing though, was that he saw my eyes as 'butterflies' which was really quite endearing in many ways. I liked to think of my eyes as fluttery butterflies..must've been my make up and the colour of my irises that gave the butterfly effect! He also kept on trying to suggest that I was a 'real rock chick'..Dear me. What constitutes a rock chick? I guess I had the hair, the clothes, the look, back then..maybe?
Anyway, God knows why the poor soul chose to meet me whilst off his head on acid! The sad thing was, he hardly could talk and therefore, I never knew much about him, which was pretty much a good thing really, as I moved abroad shortly after making his aquaintance to continue Rock Chick antics in all things 'scandinavian style'. Hmm I have much, much more to write about, regarding this time. But not today........
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