Self Protection and retracing.

People, I'm getting bored. Bored of cyberspace, bored of real space. The only thing I'm not bored of is being out there in the open, with no-one around me. Sounds mad, I know, but the stay I've just returned from in the peaks really set me up again. I cried when I left. I sat on the top deck of the bus and tears streamed down my face.
I really didn't want to come back to Nottingham;too many memories that tear at my heart. Too much emotional turbulence that has passed through my heart and soul. Too much love lost along the way. Too much of myself now feeling like an empty shell, with nothing left to give anymore. I feel like I'm a shadow of what my energy was. I feel stripped bare of emotion and love.

One thing I did feel love for, was the journey along the top of the peaks near Hathersage and Stannedge Edge. Beautiful, barren and green, yellow red in colour. Whilst I passed this area I wrote a small poem, which I seem to have misplaced along the way.It will return, if it's meant to.

I also loved the journey through the Eccles area of Sheffield. I noted down a few Estate agent's names for further reference, as I would like to think that one day I may well relocate closer to the Peaks. This may take some time but the thought and desire are there in my heart still.
This seems the best thing for me right now; concentrate on the things that have no emotional attachment, that don't cause me pain, that don't make me yearn.It's hard to be able to put my mind into that sort of frame because I'm normally such a warm person, fall of so much love, but for the sake of my heart and mind's protection, I need to focus on the small undetailed things in life.
Yes, I still miss my loved one. I miss him like nothing ever before. I missed him whilst I was away. I dreamed he was there with me sharing warm, passionate times. I pictured him. I sensed him.
I don't know anymore what to think. All I feel is that I've lost out. I've lost him. I've lost in love. That's tough, really tough and I'm therefore in mourning and have now been in this state for quite a while. Hence, the feeling of emptiness and detachment that's plaguing my lonely heart.Maybe I'm just far too deluded and always have been? Like I know, he doesn't have the spark for me that I hold for him and thus, I should yes, just get over it. It's hard to get over someone that you've fallen deeply 'in love' with by accident. Love isn't something that happens easy for me and with many people; these people are few and far between.

Anyway, I must move on from this head state and tell you that I've also been writing a short story but I daren't display it to you people yet. One day, when I feel stronger and more confident I will do it then. I promise.

Until then, have a good weekend and week ahead. I fear I may be less on this blog because I need to stop escaping into cyberworld on some level. I actually want to begin meditating and remembering the simple things in life again. I'm quite bored of the club scene and all the meaningless banter that goes on in it. I want to be around genuine, compassionate people, who are non judgemental and loving towards me. Hence the need for my retracing.