Time goes by..

I've rememebered how much I love not going to work. Sadly, this week I'm back at work after a week long holiday. I loved being free to do what I want, in fact as the years pass by, the more I want to do my own thing and be creative. I do miss the times when I used to do so many creative things with my eldest son; we did everything together, he used to sit on the back of my bike from the age of 1 year old up until he was five years old. We used to go for long bike rides, bake cakes together, go for walks, make models and paint, paint his wall together, plant seeds and grow flowers, visit friends, go to cafes and art galleries, museums, parks, train rides, etc etc. He had an active time of it and he was truly nurtured by me, as my first born child. I can't believe that he's 16 years old tomorrow!

My youngest son hasn't had the same attention as my older son, as I was working when he was 9 months old and in fact, I felt a great urge to go to work for my own sanity at this time.I was having problems with my son's Dad around this time and could feel the anger and frustration building up back then, that I sensed the best for me was to be away from both child and father during the day. This sounds cold and odd I guess but I didn't trust where my head and anger would lead to if pushed too much, back then. Looking back, I think I may've ben suffering from slight Post Natal depression and indeed resentment at my son's Dad for not getting his act together at the end of my pregnancy and not getting another job- hence putting me under alot of financial worry and strain, just as I was about to give birth! Being poor, living on DSS money and feeding mouths and thus short of money when you're having a new baby,was both depressing and hard work..
Anyway, things have changed greatly since then, however I do wish I were a little more patient at times with my kids but I know this is what working and being a single parent can mean.I have more money now but I have a different sort of freedom than the freedom I felt when I was broke.
Sometimes I think to myself, I wish I'd have met the person I love deeply, all of them years ago but I know it's silly to look back on time..I know you have to move forward and I know that things change over time. I know people change over time but essentially I feel the core of a person never changes. I know that deep down, people's softness and sweet ways, are always there but may be hidden because of hurt and mistrust and maybe the feeling that a person has made many mistakes and indeed behaved badly but doesn't quite know how to 'be' anymore..
I also know that the love felt on a deep level never changes for me..I accept people make mistakes and I accept that people are often mistrustful and angry at themselves too but I tend to remember the loveliness in a person and especially the loveliness that I know my beloved has within him..I still see this in him on many occasions..I know this core will always remain in him, I believe this greatly. I also saw the dreamer in him again on Saturday night, when we spoke about a historical place that still exists in the city and we both got quite excited about the vegetation that grows there! I know time and bad experiences can weaken and indeed harden the heart but essentially, when the heart is open to love, then the heart becomes stronger and warmer again..

The love I have, is one of great deepness...