Psyche

Just been reading a truly sad story in the paper today about a young woman who suffered from Bi Polar, throughout her teenage and young adult years. In the end, her depression got the better of her. This made me think about my own experiences of mental health issues and struck a chord in some respects.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,,1757728,00.html

1. I've experienced people's severe depression/mania/schizophrenia on a personal level through a very close friend who was hospitalised under the mental health act for at least 6-9 months. He was extremely hard work before he was diagnosed. He was never dangerous to me or his friends but became abusive to his close family and himself. Thankfully, he's stable now and not as at risk, as he was say 5 years ago.
One of my best friends from junior school became severly ill when she was in her teenage years. Her diagnosis back then was 'Schizophrenia'as she was constantly experiencing auditory hallucinations. I don't see her anymore as she moved away but I often think about her.
2. Many of the students I teach encounter mental health problems ranging from depression, Bi Polar, Schizophrenia, Personality Disorders etc.
3. My Mum used to have bouts of 'light' depression and when the going got tough, she'd leave home and for a few days to get some space. Her grandmother also killed herself by drowning herself. I don't think my Mum was ever suicidal, at least she never discussed this with me but who knows what dark depths she may have struggled with.

Interestingly, as a society, there is still a stigma attached to mental health sufferers. Many of the 'general public' have a lack of understanding about mental health issues.I honestly believe as a society we should do more to educate people about mental health issues which will equip us all with a better awareness.I also think that as a society, we live more isolated lives which in many ways can be truly lonely for those living alone and contribute to mental health difficulties.

For further info about mental health awareness see MIND link.
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/

Yet again.........

Well had a great, if not too drunken, night of it last night. I've been dreaming about this place all day long in my hungover, vegetative and dehydrated state.
This beautiful place is the area around the Ladybower Dam in Bamford, Derbyshire. My son calls it 'America'. He says it reminds him of some parts in America! Not that he's been to America mind, but obviously seen too much American TV!!
Did a lovely walk around part of this dam and really appreciated the view. It's funny to think that at one time there was a village there that was flooded to make way for the dam!
Supposed to be off to an Engagement party tonight but think I'm gonna give it a miss cos I'm still feeling shite :( Naughty me!!

Anyway back to feeling like a vegetable!!

Realisation that I need to ditch my PC!

Well what a wet and miserable day it's been today. This morning, being as though I'm off work at the mo, I went for an eye test. I haven't had my eyes tested in years but recently I've been getting the most terrible headaches on the right side of my temple. This pushed me into going and having the eye test!!
Luckily my eye sight is apparently 'perfect'!! Perfect, I bloody tell you at 38 spring chickeness! So, that got me thinking that I'm spending too much time trapped in the land of cyberworld.
Indeed I use a PC at work for everything and then I come home at night, get bored and end up on the PC at home for far too long. I therefore sense that the PC is the main cause of my headaches! Shame on me, for being such a PC addict!!So how do I control this addiction before it gets even further out of hand? Suggestions happily recieved. I suppose one could be, to 'Get a fuckin LIFE' :(
Thursday tomorrow and all things curry again :(. More ghee to clog up my arteries, more alcohol to get me pissed, more loud, mad women company to piss off the waitors in the restaurant! I wonder what they think of us all ranting and cackling away like some witches' coven. Hmm I'll fill you in on our escapades later!

Happy Alternative Easter

OSTARA is usually celebrated on the Vernal or Spring Equinox right around March 21 (although because of its origins, may instead be celebrated on the fixed date of March 25). Other names by which this Sabbat may be known are Oestara, Eostre's Day, Rite of Eostre, Alban Eilir, Festival of the Trees, and Lady Day. The Christian holiday of Easter is very near this same time, (notice the similarity in name?), and is determined as the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after the Vernal Equinox.
The name comes from that of the Teutonic lunar Goddess, Eostre. Her chief symbols were the bunny (for fertility and because the Ancient Ones who worshipped her often saw the image of a rabbit in the full moon), and the egg (representing the cosmic egg of creation). This is where the customs of "Easter Eggs" and the "Easter Bunny" originated.
Ostara is a time to celebrate the arrival of Spring, the renewal and rebirth of Nature herself, and the coming lushness of Summer. It is at this time when light and darkness are in balance, yet the light is growing stronger by the day. The forces of masculine and feminine energy, yin and yang, are also in balance at this time.
At this time we think of renewing ourselves. We renew our thoughts, our dreams, and our aspirations. We think of renewing our relationships. This is an excellent time of year to begin anything new or to completely revitalize something.
The Spring Equinox is a time of new beginnings, of action, of planting seeds for future grains, and of tending gardens. Spring is a time of the Earth's renewal, a rousing of nature after the cold sleep of winter. As such, it is an ideal time to clean your home to welcome the new season. "Spring cleaning" is much more than simply physical work. It may be seen as a concentrated effort to rid your home of the problems and negativity of the past months, and to prepare for the coming spring and summer.

Have an 'eggsellent' Day!! ;)

Getting High

Well, just got back from my 4 day ramble in the High Peaks and loved it, I did. Did a 4 hour walk to the beginning area of Kinder scout and then walked the ridge across to Upper Booth area of Edale. At this point, the hill was so steep I slid down it on my ass!! What fun that was and sooooo much quicker! I was at the bottom of the hill in less than 10 minutes!!Wicked! Why ever no-one has thought about making this behaviour into a sport, I'll never know! So there you go, the new invented sport by ranting Sara is called 'Butt Hill Sliding'.
After these long walks, the pub waited nicely to be drank dry, by the likes of me! I love this part of the world and wish I could live there but it's so 'damned' expensive :(
I had time to think about and miss a friend alot too but that's all character building stuff I suppose and I hope we'll become good friends again in the future - time will tell.
Edale? I'll be visiting you again soon I reckon. Twice, three times a year does it nicely for me.

The TRUE sense of the word RAMBLING.

I'm going rambling
up into the hills.
Who needs love?
When I get off
By the sight of the hills.

Hills they do entice.
Green is my desire.
Water is my cleanser.
Trees set my heart on fire.

Wander around in my soul
Fill up this empty hole.
Breathe in new life
Banish daily strife.

Offenders and poetry

What a joyful feeling I had this week after holding a poetry workshop in one of the probation hostels I teach in. Japanese Haiku was discussed and students were encouraged to write a Haiku. (5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables in this case)
Student X wrote a fantastic, symbolic Haiku about life in a hostel and light at the end of a tunnel. It was wonderful.
It worked out that Student X loves poetry and could confidently reel off Wordsworth, Keats and Byron. This student experiences severe schizophrenia on a daily basis;He sings and hums tunes to drown out the voices whilst I teach and whilst he writes.
I noticed throughout the session how 'alive' people became whilst writing poems and talking about poetry, it was almost like a light had been switched on.
I came away from that day feeling wonderful and motivated. I felt these things because the students I taught this day, switched on, became alive, were human amongst the chaos of their life in a hostel.
I felt humbled in the sense that, I had brought some happiness in their lives, for a small moment.

Count Down to Relaxation

Not long now until my break in a lovely old,stone cottage in beautiful Edale. I can't wait to get the fire burning, go walking, breathe in fresh country air and drown myself in wonderful nature. About a week to go folks and I'm getting well excited. Looking forward to hitting the country pubs too and generally taking a slow pace of life, for 4 days.
I really want to check out some of the areas further afield in Edale that I've never discovered before. So, not only is my journey serving a restful purpose, it's also serving a need to find pastures new and undiscovered.
Whilst I'm up in that neck of the woods I'd like to enquire about housing accommodation. I'm feeling that now may well be the time to move on seriously in life. I'd like to check out costs, employment prospects etc,etc, with a view to relocating.

Sheffield and Edale I'm counting down!!

Age and Dancing

Woke up unusually early today after a fab night dancing last night. Had a bit of a smirk to myself after reading an article about the benefits of dancing. Indeed, I love dancing because it takes me to a place that is outside of my head. I get totally tuned into, the beat, rhythm and soul of music, so much so that I sometimes feel like I'm on another planet!!
Research in the U.S around anti-aging and dancing suggests the following;
Save Your Brain. Dance!
The Einstein Aging Study, summarized in June 19, 2003 New England Journal of Medicine, found that dancing helps prevent dementia.

Dementia in the study refers to both Alzheimer's disease and vascular dementia. Vascular dementia
is the 2nd most common form of dementia after Alzheimer's.
The study included participants in six brain-stimulating hobbies - reading, writing for pleasure, doing puzzles, board games or playing cards, group discussions and playing music.

The study also included participants in 11 physical activities including team sports, swimming, bicycling and dance.

Dance was the only physical activity that benefited the brain. This was attributed to the cerebral rather than the physical aspect of dance.

Researchers found that the relationship between the mind-stimulating effects of dancing, as well as in the above six types of hobbies, and the lowered risk of dementia remained strong even after they allowed for
variables such as age, sex and education.

Frequency of activity also was important! 63% lower than that among subjects in the lowest third. We
believe this emphasizes the importance of engaging in a regular program of dancing.

The need to learn and remember numerous dance movements produces a constant and very beneficial challenge to the brain.

The social aspects of dancing, the relaxation it produces and the joy of dancing also is involved. The sense of accomplishment and confidence acquired by successfully completing a dance with a partner are beneficial, as well.

Fitness, both mental and physical, often begins with one's state of mind.

Mental acuity comes from mental exercise and if you're dancing, you're not sitting at home watching TV or felling sorry for yourself. This applies to everyone of all ages. Among mind-stimulating activities, dancing is unique in that it also provides beneficial physical exercise.

Many people have gotten the message. That's why we see increasing numbers of people of all ages having the time of their lives on dance floors all over the county. They are receiving a double payoff, mental and physical.

Keep Your Brain Alive!
Go Dancing!


The study, by scientists at the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center and Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center in Chicago, Illinois, USA, appeared in the February 13, 2002 edition of the Journal of the American Medical Association.
Too bloody right I say! That's made me feel great about all my hardened years of clubbing and mental dancing!Reaffirming my belief that, after all my mental dancing and partying, I'll end up with a fully functioning brain and possibly still attend the odd dance now and then when I'm in my 9os!

Dance and party on folks!!

Press freedom in good, old England?

After surfing the net on some of my favourite websites, I came across an article about a Nottingham based Journalist/Photographer, Alan Lodge, who was arrested whilst taking pictures of armed police in the St Anns area of Nottingham. This I find worrying especially as this person was causing no harm to anyone. It also acts as a wake up call to others out there involved in the media.
It continues to confirm my thoughts about the system that we're living in. We're not such a 'free' and 'democratic' society that the Government purports, especially when 'crap arrests' like this are taking place.

http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/regions/nottinghamshire/

In my own experience of unfair treatment by the police, I remember years ago attending the Anti Poll Tax protests in London and being 'angry' about the way the police were handling protestors;making ridiculous arrersts.
Indeed using crowd control strategies that forced protestors to become trapped and confined in one area, with hardly any prospect of getting out of such a confined space and hence becoming caught up in violence and brutality.
I thought this behaviour of the police, was practice that was mainly confined to a Thatcherite regime. Apparently not, it seems.

Ahh full of the joys of spring!

What a lovely day it is today. I'm off on my bike in a bit for a bike ride and then to meet some mates for a big, fat curry.
Funny really, because today I was chatting to some students about how miserable the weather seems at the moment compared to last year! Then lo and behold, the sun rears its lovely energy and shines for the rest of the afternoon.
This time last year, Saturday to be precise, I had a lovely time. I took my son to the Chinese State Circus. Probably not really very ethical but I really wanted to see the Shaolin Monks brandishing their swords and smashing wood; they proved to be a delight!
I also visited a friend on the same day and had a beautiful, truly special evening. Sad really though now, because that friendship's died an unnecessary tragic death, which in many ways is extremely sad. Life must go on though and all these experiences are sent to us, for different reasons.

Ain't teaching great!

Had a funny, if not, draining day today. I have one student who is the most awkward of blighters that you could ever wish to meet. He refuses to do what I ask of him. Fair enough I say,
'what do you want to do then?'

'I don't know?' he replies.

Giving choices is often a nightmare in my experience. Just bloody give the students a challenge to do and tell them they have to do it.
Or a more clever strategy is to twist the task to suit their need without them making the connection. That's exactly what I did today. This student vehemently didn't want to write a letter. No way. Hate it.
But lo and behold when I asked him to send a letter to the prison he used to be in...what does he do? Write the fucker!!
Happiness and joy all around. I motivated him. I encouraged him. I nearly killed him but we negotiated, we agreed and a happy ending after all. He smiled for the rest of the day. We finished on a good footing.
At the end of the day, teaching should be about negotiation. About finding a common ground between teacher and student. Only then, I believe will you have a good relationship with your students.

Turmoil

Well trying to change certain elements in my life but it's proving extremely difficult for me for various reasons. I don't really want to go into great detail about this but it involves my daily living circumstances.
I'm sort of thinking that I need to just move on, so to speak, because it seems that's the only solution and indeed choice I have to alleviate a situation, I'm really not happy about. This is such a difficult thing for me to do and I'm trying to get the strength from somewhere but finding it hard. So very hard!Especially after the emotional upset I've faced with the death of my Mum.
Anyway less about turmoil and back on to today and all things work!
Yes I managed a day at work and I'm starting to feel better. Hooray!! I've been getting so sick of being ill - pardon the pun. I'm one of these women that just wants to 'get on' with stuff!
I look forward to partying this weekend. Partying until the early hours!

Hooray for last night!

Considering that all things of the illness type have been lingering in my world, I decided to venture further afield last night to the Sumac Centre in Forest Fields www.veggies.org.uk/sumac to see a good reggae band.(Moonbuggin). The band were good and really lifted my spirit. I also enjoyed being in the Sumac Centre again. It restored my faith in the 'pro-action' that's going on from the grass roots, community level. The vibe was friendly, cooperative and human! Had a good old dance and bumped into a few people that I haven't seen in a while.
I also met a few new people which is always a good thing.. Hi to Dave (Musician and Artist) if you check this out..It was good to meet you, maybe another time for the party? Hope you had a good one and your mate's now settling nicely in his 'new home'. I look forward to hear you play ya tunes soon!
So all in all a good, friendly and happy night out which I certainly needed! And all ending fairly early at 1am, for the likes of this party girl!

Get Harsh on 4X4s I say!!

Well starting to feel a little more human again. Ventured out in the world again last night and had a fab time in the form of curry. Yummy curry!
After much discussion about the budget and the newly imposed £210 on new owners of 4x4s I'm pissed off. These vehicles need banning!! They're downright dangerous, polluters and plain old not any use to anyone in the city. OK for farmers I suppose but not, I repeat NOT for use in the cities and our streets!
Check out this link that I stumbled across whilst surfing and get ya name on the petition!

http://www.stopurban4x4s.org.uk/news.htm

Is life destined?

I've had a lovely night out tonight. I've had such deep conversations with a dear friend about astrology. She's going to read my future forecast for me. We talked about destiny and free will. How much of life is mapped out for us?
How much of what we experience is there in the stars? Shakespeare was a bit on the side of the stars and all things astrological, as too was Chaucer.
Is my path destined to be as it is now or will my choices affect this?Or indeed will my choices have nothing to do with my destiny and will my destiny choose my future?
All a bit mind boggling but all the same very interesting. Very interesting indeed!

Why don't those that you care for deeply care back for you.

Questions I need to ask when I'm pissed.

1. Why do those that you invest so much energy in, not invest it back?

2. Am I an ugly bitch?

3. Why doesn't my love reciprocate?

4. I miss you.

5. Why do you continually emotionally torture me?

6. W hy do I feel like I have such a connection with you?

7. Am I deluded? If so, book me in for a lobotomy!! QUICK!!

8.Should I be a Nun?

9. My ex still loves me...shall I be the goddess he once and still thinks, I am?

10. I'm confused.



Pain I don't need - GO AWAY!! never rear your ugly head ever again!!

Life changes just like the wind.

I'm excited! I'm ecstatic! I'm over the moon! I received season 4 box set of Six Feet Under today. I can't wait to watch it. But, I'm going to choose the right times to watch it because it's viewing that has to have the right atmosphere and mood. Today ain't the right day for me.
Well, been medicating up on my herbal remedies and starting to feel a little more human. I'm going to venture out into the 'world' today. I feel a bit like Bubby from 'Bad Boy Bubby' when he first ventures out into the world after 35 years of being locked in his Mums flat.At least I have an advantage over Bubby; I have language.
I'm going to wander around my home town a little. I'm going to hit some second hand shops and look for a few retro clothes.
I'm also going to head out for a curry tonight with some mad mates and see how a night out treats me.
I've been contemplating so much the last few weeks. I realise that things that are precious to you are not always precious to another. I realise things change for a reason. A bit like the wind; twist, turns and blows away dust to be settled elsewhere. I suppose we're all like dust really. Dust that gets blown around and then finally settles for a while.
So I welcome this time of the year.I welcome the changes bought about by the wind. I welcome spring. Yes, I welcome spring for its time of renewal, rebirth and regeneration.

Oh Dear...

Hello! Oh dear, I hope I'm not boring any of you out there with my ridiculous rantings. I have one more poem to post and then I'll try and calm down on it. It serves a short term purpose for me and always has!
Before I thrust you into the world of Sara's poetry, I'm pondering the Budget. I wonder what Mr Brown will throw at us.
I wish he'd renationalise the utilities.
I wish he'd higher taxation for the better off and distribute wealth to the poorer.
I wish we'd spend less on killing people.
I wish environmental issues were taken account of.
I wish many things would change but I know it won't.
I await.

Poem for Today

Life Without You

Life without you

Won't feel right

Empty, cold

Devoid of light.

I can't imagine

The picture I see

Of you someplace else

Happy and free

A voice tells me

You love me so dear

Too scared to let yourself

Escape from your fear

I love you so much

It pains me it's true

Sadness faced

A life without you.

Now, I'll bloody shurrup!!

Happy Budget Day out there!

Never Trust a Bullshitter!!

Never trust a Bullshitter
They're full of poisonous shit.
Make you think they like you
But deep down, they're just a prick.

Say many untrue things
To make you believe.
But deep inside these people
Are weaknesses that run deep.

Bullshitters ruin faith in humanity
Play on others' emotions.
But it's all their own insanity.
Avoid this toxic potion.

Thank God for bullshit detectors
They're the best you can meet
They help you stay human
In times of real defeat!

The Diagnosis........

Well woke up late again today. I'd be happy about this if I'd spent the night out on the town or some such but no, I hadn't. I'd been in all last night.
I lay in bed listening to a few really interesting programmes on Radio 4. Start of the week was interesting and urged me to want to read a new book called 'Yob Culture'. I then spent some time on the PC because my mind became active again. I finally fell in bed again about 12.30 after an action packed day and visit to the Doctors.
The doctors visit was interesting. I think the relief doctor, who saw me, is one in a million. He was so open, caring and bloody opinionated. I liked his opinions though and we had a shared interest because we both work with prisoners/ex prisoners. The conversation, after my diagnosis, went along the lines of rehabilitation and social issues. Very interesting for a Monday afternoon visit to the Drs.
My diagnosis - a viral illness. He was extremely honest when he said...

"We haven't even touched on knowing what viral illnesses are about" what an open and humble thing to say as a professional. In other words - I really don't know!

I explained that I've had this now 3 times in the last 5 months. Apparently, I've never got over the past 2 illnesses and this one has just come back with a vengeance!!
So, off I trotted to the herbal store to self medicate. I bought:
Floradix herbal tonic - £7.98
Honey and lemon tonic - £1.50
Almost a herbal tincture but refrained from this.

I've decided that I need to give my immune system a boost so I'm taking measures to do this. I've also been signed off for a week from work so I'm going to take things easy.
I have an urge to read 'Lady Chatterley's Lover" by D.H Lawrence but unfortunately it wasn't available in the bookshop which was a pisser!
Instead what do I do? Order the fourth season box set of Six Feet Under from Amazon for £29.97. I have no money to do this but hey, drama and dialogue must go on, in the sick life of Sara. A dose of all things HBO will do me the world of good.

Argghhhh Six Feet Under...Where are you?

Well, I'm now used to living in a perpetual state of flueness. I've been watching quite a lot of films, been glued to the PC and I even dared to watched the last episode of Season 3 Box set of Six Feet Under. That's it! Done and dusted! All gone! All watched!! Boooooo Hooooooo. I need another fix from Alan Ball.
As ever it proved as I'd hoped. Sad, happy, fun, philosophical. It made me cry - as always! Poor Nate and Claire, they've been through such dark times in this episode. I want to give them a big, warm hug. Although Claire did have a surreal meeting with a one dead Gabe. Who finally decalared his love for her. He spoke words of great truth when he said.

"The world wasn't for me. I was selfish when I was alive. I have a purpose in life now I'm dead"

Woah, such deep words from gorgeous Gabe. He was indeed referring to his destructive behaviour whilst on the living plain. His life as a dead person had made him face himself and had enabled him to become a kind, caring and loving person. Heavy stuff, I know!!
Poor Nate was now consoled(or not) with the news of finding Lisa's body. Such distress this poor guy is going to face in season 4. Nate, like many, went on a mission of destruction. Sleeping with a whore, getting beat up, pissed, nearly killing himself. He ran to his love. He ran to what he thought was 'Home' for his soul. He ran to Brenda.

What an episode! And now I have to wait for Box Set 4 to be put on sale. I have to wait for Channel 4 to air Season 5. I wish they'd bloody hurry up cos I've got lots of time to kill!!

I'm thinking about a quote someone sent me recently.

"Wot don't break ya can only make ya"..Hmm I'm thinking about this quite alot. I'm unsure whether I believe this. I'd go more with.....

"Wot makes ya also has the strength to break ya" Just my thoughts on that one though! Not many people 'make' another.

Thoughts about love in the 80s.

Still feeling rather poorly. Wish I'd feel better but these things happen for reason I suppose. Been spending far too much time on the LL forum but having some interesting dialogue all the same. A discussion about photographs has proved extremely interesting and has led me back down a path to my days of the 80s.
My late teenage years. My first proper boyfriend years. My learning about the mad ups and downs of what love can do, years. The spreading of my wings years. A funny if not angsty time to say the least.
My first proper boyfriend years were 1987.

1987 at a student party on Forest Road West. The house felt enormous. He looked small. Small against the backdrop of the large Victorian staircase. How did we meet? Our bodies warmth touched each other on the stair case, taking a breather from the madness deeper inside the house.
He asked my name. I replied. I noticed he had a different accent to me. A posher accent. A student accent. He had a kind smile and an innocent 'air' about him. An innocent air of not being streetwise in a city like Nottingham. He was a Northern lad by birth but had lived around the world, it transpired, in International Boarding schools.
For some reason I found myself attracted to his vulnerability and gentleness. He wasn't the usual type I fell for; Too skinny. Too posh. Too gentlemenly.
We kissed. And kissed and kissed. He wanted my number. I accepted.
From that moment on and after our next initial meeting, we couldn't stay away from each other. 3 weeks on and we'd moved in together. We'd moved to a cramp shared house. I was in love.
He was creative, a photographer, a gentlemen, fun to be with, a laugh, cooked meals, made wine, smoked spliffs, drank wine, read books- Gustav Flaubert, loved me, photographed me.
ME. Me in sepia, with cold tone, black and white, mystical, classic, posing, naked. I loved this attention. I loved him.
Time moved. We moved. We changed. Love for him grew. He was growing. He wanted more in life. I wanted him. He became indecisive about what he wanted. I wanted him. Forever.
He took me on a rollercoaster ride of emotion for about a year. This broke me. Depression set in. We decided to break.Broke up.
He met someone new. I sensed this a long time before though, because she came in to the shop where I worked and I just knew. She looked at me in such a way, that I knew she was his now. I was hurt.
I lived alone after this time. This was the most difficult time I think I've ever experienced in my life. I missed him. I loved him. I knew he was gone. I knew I was going.
Somewhere dark inside me had been unleashed. I felt destructive,empty, angry. This is the only time in life that I truly could've harmed myself. I considered overdose on about 10 occassions.
My saviour was my friend Richard. I didn't ask him to be, he just was. He visited me everyday. He made me laugh. He made me cry. He forced me out. He looked after me. He liked me. I think he may've loved me. Words like this weren't spoken about though. He made me remember me and who I was.
Time passed by and I moved away to a new country and a new experience. This healed me. Healed my heart and my lost love.

Looking back at this time is strange for these reasons. I had such a wonderful time but a dark time too. The path I took then, hasn't been visited really for quite a long time. I've enjoyed visiting this path again though. I'm over it. I've learned by it. It's made me part of who I am today. Thanks proper boyfriend no.1 for doing that for me. Thanks for letting me experience this emotion and coming out the other side. Thanks for letting me know now how to react to such dark emotion.

A higher force at large!

Well would you believe it, I've just become a massive fan of Josh Ritter's sounds thanks to Six Feet Under and guess what? He's bloody touring the UK in May!! How bloody great is that! Granted, he's not playing in Nottingham but Birmingham. Yes, Birmingham in May!
I'm there. Sooooo there!!
His music has a profound effect on this soul of mine. OK it's folky and all but it just hits a part of your psyche that only few musicians hit. It's earthy to say the least but ohhhhh the melody and the words just do something strange to this girl!
Reckon I might make a night of it. Book a hotel and go for it in Birmingham for a night! Nice one Josh! Some higher force sent you, to lift this weary heart and remind it about the important things in life.

Thoughts caused by music.

Sunday and I have alot of time on my hands. I'm thinking. I'm listening to music. Music has made me think of these words. Words are great.

I want.
I need.
I love.
I hope.
I know.
In vain.

feel
go.
leave
me.
love
die.

Melody
you.
love
Melody.
Melody
are you.
I love melody.

Embarressing Confessions of being a Mum.

12.30 on the alarm clock today. I woke up. SHIT....WHERE HAS THE DAY GONE?I'M STILL ILL.
Where's my youngest son?
Will I get reported to Social Services for neglect?There he is..on the street on his red scooter. Thank Fuck.
This illness is really taking the piss now.
Time to get up and remember my role in life.
He wants to go on the PC but I'm being selfish due to my forum addiction problem. LL are guilty of causing dangerous addictions in folk.
I will let him on. I will be selfless.
Now he wants the last chocolate muffin that has been saved for me. He's NOT having it!! I am!

MY THOUGHTS FOR TODAY ARE:

I will not let people take liberties with me anymore.
I will not be treated like shit.
I will not let people use my good nature.
I will not keep on whinging about meaningless shit.(well maybe sometimes ;) )
I am pissed off that I can not go and party tonight. PISSED OFF!!

I await

Well I'm certainly ready for my cottage break in a few weeks time. If I had the money, I'd get out of this city and head off to my favourite part of the world, Edale. I could still enjoy the life of a city, that Sheffield provides; a good night life, a good free- party scene, good public transport routes right through the Hope Valley. Employment could be through the college in Hope or Sheffield? Hmmm.. sounding tempting by the minute.

I'd also get peace of mind by living in such a beautiful place. My mind would have the time it needs to experience quiet,inner peace and less chaos prevelant in the city and its psyche.

I'm getting closer....

I have no strength to write. Read today.

When Love Goes

O mother, I am sick of love,
I cannot laugh nor lift my head,
My bitter dreams have broken me,
I would my love were dead.

"Drink of the draught I brew for thee,
Thou shalt have quiet in its stead."

Where is the silver in the rain,
Where is the music in the sea,
Where is the bird that sang all day
To break my heart with melody?"

The night thou badst Love fly away,
He hid them all from thee."

Another shooting..what's going on?

Well still feel very ill but I've just been surfing one of my fave forums and read about another stupid, meaningless shooting in Nottingham.
What's going on in the world?
For some reason, I found my attentions turning to a one, fantastic and one of my favourite Hip Hop artists - Michael Franti. Not only is he a fantastic writer, he's a true believer in Social Justice and is committed to changing the views of those who commit such bad crimes.
Keep up the fantastic work Mr F.Keep up the fantastic writing... We love you!! You're also still, very 'damned' gorgeous! Whoops!
http://www.spearheadvibrations.com/spearits.html

Back to recouperating again!!

Useless as Hell

My God am I ill! Don't think I've felt as ill as this ...ever!! I've slept all last night and all day. I feel absolutely terrible. I can hardly walk and when I do, I feel dizzy. My throat kills and I can't stop coughing! Let's hope I've not got some dodgy bird flu!!
One thing's for sure, I think it's a trip to the Drs for me for an all over health check tomorrow! I can't even be bothered to write this blog!
Have fun out there people!! I'm back off to bed for some recouperating.

Moon and Moods.

Well today dear reader I'm in a strange, outrageous mood. I'm quite a believer in the moon and the part it plays in affecting people's moods. I tend to get extremely giddy, silly, a bit manic and emotional around the time of a full moon. There is, my dear reader, a full moon tomorrow! A lunar eclipse!
I've been in a right stupid, silly, manic mood today! I like the energy this mood brings and I like the feel of wanting to do something mad! I won't do anything mad but the thought is there. I'm feeling cheeky, naughty and devilish!
If the moon has such an affect on the tides and water then I think it most certainly has an affect on the human body due to it's high water consistency.
I remember an old friend of mine, told me that he would often get an increased intake of patients on a mental health ward around the time of a full moon. I wonder then, what changes or pulls are going on in our body around this time? Whatever happens, I feel it on some level and I find it extremely fascinating. Indeed if we believe that we are part of the natural cycle of things, then the moon is part of that cycle.
http://tycho.usno.navy.mil/vphase.html

Check out this thread about moods and the moon and see what you think to the discussion
http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/Can_mood_swings_be_connected_to_the_moon_phases

For me, I love the Moon. It's a magical force. It's truly magnetising and it captures so many thoughts and so much of our imagination as both child and adult. There is truly nothing like walking under a full moon, using its light to guide you to your destination. There is truly nothing like watching the reflection of the moon on the sea or a lake. There is truly nothing like looking at the moon as a child and wondering what it's all about. I still look at the moon now and ponder what it's all about but I love it all the same.

Sunday, and I'm Beat!

My God people, what a week, what a weekend!! Not only am I beat emotionally, I'm beat physically!
Physically dear reader, I've partied harder than I have for quite a while - probably not reaching Glastonbury level of partying, but fairly close!
Friday night, I saw 4 gigs! 2 punk and 2 Ska, dear reader. The Heels, definitely get my 'seal of approval';Instrumental Ska that lifts your spirit and your soul. I danced for a good 3 hours I reckon.
An all- girl punk band, who I have no idea what their name was but who were also decidedly great. The lead vocalist in some ways, reminded me of the female singer from Crass.
I ended up a bit too wasted and struggled yesterday with the abuse from the night before.
My hangover cure? A long swim in cold water, gallons of fruit juice, teabags on my eyes, laughing about the night out with a friend and a hair of the dog.
Saturday night proved even better, dear reader. A mate's 50th birthday celebration at the Britannia boat club proved much fun and a well needed warm-up for the shenanigans later. Although, throughout the night, I watched a young couple so much 'in love' that I felt a pang of sadness. I was extremely happy for them but at the same time felt sad. Luckily, I managed to shelve that emotion for later!
12.30am and there I am at a manic, packed out Warehouse Party, just off Noel Street. It was absolutely rammed!! The atmosphere was one to die for! The music was excellent and hit all the right areas, enticing me to dance - HARD!! The people were friendly, the decor was inviting, the night was brilliant!!Truly brilliant! 5am I had to get back home, as I know that if I don't, I'll be in no fit state to look after the kids!
God am I beat today. I'm also beat emotionally today. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions this week too! I can't believe that at one minute you can feel extremely positive about someone in your life and the next, you feel positively saddened by them, to the point of complete emptiness; almost like your heart has been wrenched out but just clinging on by its last beat of life force. I've hit a real 'ache' in my heart again. I've allowed myself to feel this again. I'm not happy about this destructive feeling but I understand where it comes from. I understand this is a feeling that I can't keep experiencing. I can't let other's behaviour lead me to on a path of inner destruction. What makes it all so bad too, is when you've given so much of yourself; your time, your feelings, your love, your understanding and your belief in someone to the point that you feel they've just cast- away all of those feelings to nothingness. That hurts.

Pondering and Consolation from a Genius

Dirt roads and dryland farming might be the death of me
But I can't leave this world behind
Debts are not like prison where there's hope of getting free
And I can't leave this world behind
I've been from here to Lawrence, Kansas Trying to leave my state of mind Trying to leave this awful sadness
But I can't leave this world behind
South of Delia there's a patch out back by the willow trees
And I can't leave this world behind
It's a fenced in piece of nothing where I hear voices on my knees
And I can't leave this world behind
Some prophecies are self-fulfilling But I've had to work for all of mine Better times will come to me, God willing
Cause I can't leave this world behind
This world must be frightening everybody's on the run
And I can't leave this world behind
And my house is a wooden one and its built on a wooden one
Seems I can't leave this world behind
Preacher says when the Master calls us He's gonna give us wings to fly
But my wings are made of hay and corn husks
So I can't leave this world behind

Roll On

West of her there's a place I know Never have been but I'd like to go
Somewhere out there I believe in me And West of her is where I'd like to see
West of her there's another place Sun shines soft on another face
And the river falls on another sea And West of her is where I'd like to be
Roll on
I tried out-running you it didn't last Everything that catches up must come to pass
And your voice is the one inside my head I ended up out-running myself instead
Roll on
You'll probably end up thinking that I don't care When you get a letter from a new somewhere But i know you've got what you need to be Happy someplace East of me
Roll on

Lyrics that mean so much to me at this moment. Mr Ritter I love your genius.

Strange Day

Well dear reader, I've had a strange day today. Headed into Nottingham to do some present shopping for my mate's 50th birthday bash tomorrow. On the way to Fopp, I saw someone that I thought was my friend, but they were obviously avoiding me. I find tactics like that interesting, especially when you only saw them a week ago and they were all over you! Avoidance certainly wasn't on their agenda a week ago! Strange!

'People are Strange' as Jim Morrison poignantly wrote.

I made my way to Fopp, feeling pissed off and upset to say the least. The gravelly voice of Johnny Cash, could be heard through the speakers. His lovely voice stirred my sensitive soul to the point of tears. I thought about my friend. I thought about my Mum. My Mum loved Johnny Cash.
I felt shy and small, to be walking around a record store, random people passing me here and there, tears streaming down my cheeks. Well, dear reader, I put my head down and took deep breaths. Tears dropped onto the new 60s Film poster book I had just decided to buy my friend. Tears, that she'll never know touched this glossy cover, when she opens it.
Anyway,dear reader, after pulling my weary heart and head together, I headed for a coffee. As fate would have it, I bumped into a very dear friend from Swaziland. We sat and chatted about what we'd both been up to over the last few months. He cheered me up no end.
I walked around and around trying to find some exciting clothes to wear for tonight. I found nothing apart from a funky orange top and a black PVC jacket but I refrained from buying them. I finally got home and started to feel a little excited about tonight. Yes, tonight is gig night for me! On the Razz again! Off to see some raucous punk and ska gigs at Junction 7; Dragged along by a friend who still loves a guy in one of the bands that are playing!
So, gladrags on, head up high and looking ready to die for!

Wonderful Josh Ritter

Well this week has been a strange one to say the least. Not sure where it's all heading but I've made a few mistakes this week. I've had a load of ups and downs . Well....we all learn by our mistakes, so they say.
I've found some consolation in one of my fave singers, Josh Ritter. www.joshritter.com.
I first got into him through watching an episode of Six Feet Under, whereby I heard the track 'Come and find me'. It showed Nate and Lisa driving through some of the most beautiful US countryside, right near the sea. It was beautiful. The irony of this track seemed to be about Nate wanting his ex Brenda, to come and find him. This struck a chord both musically and metaphorically.
Josh Ritter is a truly brilliant acoustic guitarist and singer. If you like folky rock, you'll love Josh's music. He reaches a special, if not poignant, place about life and love.

Come and find me - By Josh Ritter

if i could trace the line that ran between your smile and your sleight of hand

i’d guess that you put something up my sleeve

now every time i see your face, the bells ring in a far-off place

we can find each other this way, i believe.
from the hills and up behind my town is naked from the horizon down ..

the curvature is pressed against the raise and we walked up in the fields alone and the silence fell just like a stone that got lost in the wild blue and the gravel grey
come and find me now
though i’m here in this far off place,

my air is not this time and space

i draw you close with every breath

you don’t know it’s right until it’s wrong

You don’t know it’s yours until it’s gone

i didn’t know that it was home ‘til you up and left
come and find me now
i keep you in a flower vase with your fatalism and crooked face

with the daisies and the violet brocades and I keep me in a vacant lot in the ivies, forget-me-nots hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days
come and find me now

You've Got The Moon

We ate May down to the rind

Asked the moon for another helping

It's getting on past suppertime

Lights are low and it was evening

Pull your dress up to your knees

Out in the fields we'll go walking

Just the tall grass and the trees

Silhouettes and crickets singing

And here I am holding on to you

And you've got the moon

See the leaves fall as they turn

Green into a golden evening

Slowly, so there is no change

It does not feel like the end of something

And here I am holding on to you

And you've got the moon

Stars and satellites and clouds

Everything tonight is floating

And I am too so I hold your hand

And up above the moon is rowing

And here I am holding on to you

And you've got the moon

Morning Pang

The last few days my sleep has been unusually disturbed. I normally sleep really well, head touches the pillow and that's me done for the night. Out for the count! Albeit weird dreams in between.
The last few days though, I've been waking suddenly with a real 'pang' in my heart and throat. It's been happening about 6ish and it just makes me feel real strange. Something weird is supposed to happen this month, according to my ruling star sign Virgo, around the time of the lunar eclipse. Something to do with my domestic situation...we'll see. Maybe it's just all to do with that? Maybe? A brief summary of what's happening for me apparently in my star sign..

You might say that it's been coming a long time. Relationship problems that blow into your life on the full moon lunar eclipse March 14 could rock your world, so brace for news you don't expect. This lunar eclipse will be in Virgo, so you may feel like you are in the center of the storm. You will feel things more directly if you were born within five days of September 16.
What is to surface will likely knock you off your feet, and the news will concern someone who has likely betrayed your trust. Fortunately, you are a practical, realistic soul. You'll know it's for the best that you have the facts, for dealing with nothing more than half-truths and fantasies in a close relationship is no way to live. While you may have known that your relationship wasn't quite right, you won't be prepared for the nature of the information that you will receive. Uranus, planet of unanticipated news, will be in a particularly troublesome position, in relationship to belligerent Mars, so lots of words will be exchanged, some hurtful, but in the end, the situation will be clarified.
It appears you weren't party to the problems that created this mess, but you will have to cope with the fallout just the same. With Saturn opposed to Venus, the whole episode will be rather sobering. The first three weeks will feel like a minefield and will leave your emotions feeling raw. Things will improve by the fourth week, thank goodness, for by then you will have all the information you need to make a decision and to move forward decisively.

Thought for the day

After the day I've had today and the sleepless nights...this picture sums it all up for me!!

At Peace.

Forgiveness is a funny thing.

Can be hard that's true.

It leaves you with a better conscience

Of what people mean to you.

Acceptance too, is a Buddhist thing

A philosophy hard to beat.

To live your life with this belief

Keeps you grounded, on your feet.

Openess and honesty

Painful for many, it's true.

Only when you practise these things

Will life feel good for you.

I thank you, for the meeting of a beautiful mind and for some of the most beautiful, unforgettable moments.

You will always be special to me.

Fun, frolics and a bloody good band!

What a wicked, hedonistic night out! Much, much fun was had and today I'm feeling the wrath from that fun. Think I need to get myself some hangover cure - RAPIDO!! Maybe a hair of the dog? No, maybe not!

The Percussion crew pleased my ears and it was good to bump into many friends too down there!
For anyone who's into Ska, you need to check these guys out!
Bison - a brilliant 10 piece band with a big and I mean BIG horn section! Saw them last year a the Shakedown 05 Warehouse Party in Nottingham and again last night. They've never let me down yet. If you get the chance people, go see them!

Remembering Z.

Well, back to work for me this week. It's been a good week, although I've been reminiscing past times a bit too much, which has caused me undue distress. However, my week has also been tainted by the death of a student I taught.
A few days ago I found out that Z had passed over. Shocked? Believe me, I was shocked! Shocked to think that this lovely, albeit cheeky and feisty little soul, had left life on this plain, as we know it. If I'm right, Z was around 23 years of age and had been in and out of homeless hostels for quite some time. The last time I taught her was about 3 months ago.
The first time I met her, she was a fresh faced, young woman, with a life to look forward to and boundless enthusiasm for what she was doing.
The second time I taught her, she seemed somehow different. Blighted. Dispirited. Torn apart in many ways, by the knocks life was dealing her. I found her harder to engage and motivate. I found her more chaotic than I'd known in the past. Sadly, Z was also a diabetic, which wasn't being helped by her chaotic drug use.
At the end of her life, the Diabetes complicated matters and proved fatal.
I choose to remember Z as I originally found her. Happy, feisty and a lovely soul to teach and be around.
I pray that Z finds true happiness wherever her soul has rested. I pray that her soul finds peace. I pray for her to be dealt no knocks, next time around.
Bless you Z. May your soul truly rest in peace. XXX

One Year Ago

They say time is a healer
That, I'm not so sure
My heart tells me different
It bleeds deeper, more and more.

An ache I can't describe
An ache I can't hide.
Tears don't hide my pain
Emptiness I can't contain.

I long for you in my life
I wait, I know it's strife.
Time goes backwards, I wish
To a place I love and still miss.

Crass, your lyrics still embrace me.

"Heard Too Much About"
Heard too much about.
Heard too much about.
Heard too much about.
Heard too much about.
I've heard too much about the people in the ghetto,
Heard too much about the working class motto.
People in the ghetto.
How you don't know life if you ain't seen the street,
Racialist poor against the racialist elite.
Heard too much about.A million people in factory and office,
Aware there's something missing, but living with their losses.
Working class motto.
There's no fight to get where they'd rather be,

Only the accepting of dependency.
Wait in the shop, for what you ain't got,
Lying on the beaches for the social elite.
Working 9 to 4, revolved around more,
Fear, guilt, abuse, love and moral truth.
War in your bedroom, bodies in your fridge,
Domestic violence, the tomb you dig.
Heard too much about.
Rules for survival, rules that they wrote,
Thinking it's your freedom when it's rammed down your throat.
On the boundary, choose your family,
Choose what school, no choice at all.
Choose what church, it allow you to hurt,
Choosing your power, is choosing your hour

Love, money and peace.

Hi all of you out there and good afternoon. I was going to say 'good morning' but then realised that my mind has been tricked into thinking it's still the morning. Well it bloody isn't. No, it's 15:23pm!! I woke up at an extremely ridiculous time today, dear reader, 11:00am. Too bloody late!! I vaguely remember that I woke briefly at 8.30 but somehow managed to fall back to sleep. The next thing I know, 11.00am. 'Shit!' I thought to myself, I was going to accommplish so much today. Forget that. I've done nothing apart from reading the newspaper which brings me to my reason for writing.
I was fascinated by the true story of a young man who gave up his inheritance. To cut a long story short, he had plenty on a material level but desired more on an emotional level. His aim...to find true love. Sadly, when he found love, the person he loved couldn't reciprocate for whatever reason. As a reaction to this, he found peace. A different sort of peace that we equate with life. A peace that consisted of indifference. He gave away everything he owned and went to live in North Africa. He now lives on a meagre existence and earns small amounts of money from the books he writes.

I was touched by the story in many ways because as he put it, 'the one thing he so desired, he could not have'. Life therefore, for him, felt meaningless in some respects. Indeed, it's all very well having material goods but essentially life's not about 'material goods'. No, life's about feeding the soul and the heart and when these aren't fed, something in the human spirit dies.
I wonder how many people, in reality, feel this way in our increasingly individualistic society we now live in? How many people, rather than choosing a different way, are actually isolated through no fault of their own? Isolated because we live less and less on a collective level.
One thing's for sure for me, I have a dream about travelling when my youngest son grows older. I have a dream about living in a more sharing, collective environment. Indeed I dream in some ways now about packing up and heading off to some far off land. Although, in reality I've always had this dream and have, in part, achieved this in some respects.
There is dear reader, something truly fascinating about giving up everything and just walking. Walking to an unknown destination, to an unknown life.

Some things are just meant to be!

Well it's good, old Friday. The end of the week and the beginning of the weekend for me!I didn't manage to get away in the end dear reader as I've been ill!! Ill with flu!! At first I was pissed off about this but then I took hold of myself and stopped being so bloody defeatist!
Indeed, instead of moaning to myself and getting depressed, I booked three days away in April instead, dear reader. Three whole days in a lovely cottage with an open fire in the Peak District!! Three whole days to chill, walk, breath in fresh air and get drunk on the scenery around me. Three days to climb up BIG hills and listen to the sounds of nature around me. God I can't wait!!
So dear reader, all this leads me to think that some things in life just really aren't meant to happen, for whatever reason. They're just a 'NO GO' that you just have to let be.....

A Quiet, Sacrificial Weekend!

Well, bloody hell..my first 'quiet' weekend for ages! Yesterday consisted of a trip to the cinema with my son and his cousin. Last night consisted of almost being tempted to go to the 'Highness' night, at the Fleece in Nottingham. But no, Dear Reader I was good. I declined the offer. I sacrificed a night of going out, for a night of staying in. I kept warm in my bed and watched The Wicker Man - The director's cut. I drank brandy coffees in an attempt to ward off my flu!
I love The Wicker Man; the symbolism within it is wonderful, the way it questions mainstream Christianity is interesting and the women in it are amazingly beautiful! I do hope though Dear Reader, that you realise that the naked Britt Eckland (Willow) scene, where her back is turned and she's pounding the wall, is actually a body double. A body double! (Rumour has it that Britt didn't want to show the bottom half!!) I also love Edward Woodward in this film, he's so good at acting the Puritan and denouncing all things Pagan! And Christopher Lee dressed up as a woman? Hmmm no comment there!
So all in all reader, I had a relaxing time of it but indeed dear reader, I enjoyed all things sacrificial..

Flu!

Well I feel shit today. Postively shit. Sat on my setee last night, lit my candles. Looked at my Buddha and preyed that I'd be better for tonight. I do think candles have something special about them. The colour and warmth they radiate is second to none!!
I'm off nowhere special, just out with some lovely mates for a hot and spicy curry and a cheese and chilli nan!! I'm hoping for a massage tomorrow as a friend of mine is a masseur and she's kindly offered a free massage. So Buddha, please let me get better for tonight and tomorrow. I ain't had a massage in ages and it could be just what the Doctor ordered!! 

Valentine's Day Lump In My Throat..

It's Valentine's Day. A day that I don't usually think much about, dear reader. This year it feels somehow different. I don't know why but I've had a constant lump in my throat since I read a thread on my favourite forum, dear reader.
A thread dedicated to me. A thread dedicated to my loveliness. How sweet is that? How thoughtful is that? How dedicated is that? How caring is that? I'm touched dear reader. Extremely touched. Such a lovely thing for a person to do. This special person has actually taken the time out to think of me today. Why then dear reader am I feeling sadness? Sad about so many things; Words can't comprehend.
They say that the Throat Chakra is the area of communication. To feel pain in the throat on a holistic level, means there is a blockage. A communication blockage. This makes sense in many ways. Pain comes for different reasons.
Valentine's day in Nottingham. A strange vibe. An angry, tense atmosphere. I observed different people on their daily missions. I observed a few women with single red roses. Who were their loves? What were their lives? Were they happy? Was their life simple?
I observed a few couples in conflict with one another. Angry at each other. Angry at the world around them.
Bus journey and I'm thinking. I thought to myself, whilst peering through murky, unclean glass, how strange we are as people. How positively destructive we are to each other and yet in contrast, how inwardly beautiful we can be. How very beautiful we can be.

Strange man, on a dark night, in a long coat with punky hair.

Well dear reader, I haven't posted for some time. Indeed I'm starting to get a little bored of cyberspace at the moment and have even considered becoming 'null and void' in the unrealistic world of the internet. However, I'm inspired to write again tonight about my funny experiences at Jongleurs last week and afterwards.
Jongleurs was full of hen parties, loud lads and not many people that caught my eye. I'm not talking about men here neither! Just people per-se!
I took a stash of handbag vodka dear reader as I'm skint!! I necked that back in no less than 2 hours and started to feel lary, dear reader. Lary at the comedians, lary at the people in there, lary at people who have, in one way or another, fucking pissed me off and taken liberties, lary at my mate for going there for her birthday. Plain fucking selfishly lary!! Lary about the fact that my Mum passed away so young and left me. Fucking lary!!
Lariness aside...My mate managed to puke up under the table due to the bottle of red she had quaffed in an hour. My mate managed to block out the last and indeed best, of the comedians. The last comedian was GOOD!!Very good!! I heckled him in my lary state dear reader, but he was sweet and didn't throw shit at me. For that, dear reader I respect him.
The night was rounded off by the corny disco. Although I will say one thing, the DJ did have a good collection of old 80s and 90s favourites of mine. I danced to Ice T, Run DMC, Beastie Boys, Chic and some random Abba. By 1.30am dear reader, I was depressed and needed to escape this torture. I was pretty incoherent by this point and angry at the world around me.
Time to go. Go, was what I did dear reader. I left my friends and headed to the nearest food place for comfort.
Now this is where the fun began. I wondered up Maid Marion Way to notice a tall and punky looking man, head towards me. This man had a haircut like Keith from 'The Prodigy'. The fact that his hair was like this, drew my attention. The fact that his hair was multicoloured, also drew my attention. I stared at him as he walked slowly passed me. He stared back and smiled. It was almost like we were both angry about something that night but understood each other's mood without even talking!!
I reciprocated his friendly smile. He was gracious to continue to tell me that 'I was lovely and nice'. Confirmed dear reader, that I am nice! Funny words coming from the mouth of a punky looking man. I paused, dear reader and thought about these words. My lariness evaporated and my mood lifted.
By this time, I'd contemplated inviting this friendly stranger to a late bar for interesting conversation and maybe a drink or two. I declined to act on my thoughts.
I thought then, about the concept of time dear reader, experiences dear reader, random meetings with potential new friends or not. For all I know, that person may have held special significance in my life for some reason but I declined finding out about that significance.
Instead, I wondered off and comforted myself with a pitta bread and salad.
Sitting on the night bus, I thought about the random meeting of this person. Who was he? He'd made me smile in a moment of sadness and lariness. I thank him for this. So Mr Prodigy - I'll see you again - same time, same place..you made my night and reminded me of all things nice.

Boadicea Revisited!!

Well, just received some photos of the fancy dress party! And here's one of Bodicea!! The man in the piccy was into warrior women and all things warlike!! I managed to fight his advancement from the south. And managed to conquer and destroy his wishes of advancement with a warrior woman!!
This brings back happy, binge drinking memories!!

How to get out of a night out?

Well dear reader, I write these thoughts on a cold, wintery eve. Yes, my house freezes as I sit and watch the passion that unfolds around me via Channel 4 and Shameless!! And then my thoughts wonder to Saturday night. The dreaded night out, dear reader. The night that I'm loathing. The night that I'm resenting. The night that I'm thinking up 100 excuses not to attend.
This has nothing to do with last Saturday dear reader and my desire to tame the binge drinking. No this is to do with my friends birthday night out dear reader. A night that I vehemently DO NOT want to participate in. Your job, dear reader, is to give me suggestions about how to avoid this loathsome night.
You are probably wondering what this night entails dear reader? Nothing as strange, yet exciting as the mysterious stately home in Kubrick's 'Eyes Wide Shut'. Or nothing as passionate or bloodthirsty as the castles in Hammer's 'Countess Dracula' dear reader. No, Saturday entails a comedy night at Jongleurs dear reader. Fucking Jongleurs!
Do I really want to pay £15 to step into this nightmare of a place? No, frankly I don't. I've experienced Jongleurs twice dear reader. Once through choice of a poetry performance. The second, through a 40th birthday party for a friend.
Choice is good, holistic and gives you a sense of satisfaction. Coercion gives you a sense of being controlled, oppressed and apathetic.
I feel like a spoilt child by thinking these thoughts but I also resent paying money for something I feel I won't enjoy. I'm afraid, dear reader that I may well need to consider binge drinking yet again, to enjoy this night and the miserable 'Disco' afterwards.
Please God, save me from the misery that I will endure on Saturday...Oh and suggestions welcome from any deluded Gods out there who know a thing or two about avoidance tactics.

Another Day Wasted!!

Well, after another drunken night out and another Sunday spent lying around in bed and on the sofa, I've decided it's time I took a hold of this regular, debilitating, binge- like behaviour. I feel shit again today. I'm tired, dehydrated, feel sick, keep knocking into things, can't be arsed to talk to friends that ring. My face looks like shit!! Where is the once young looking beauty of last night disappeared to? I'll tell you where - to the ravages of vodka and dodgy clubbing. Yes, dodgy, dodgy, trashy clubbing, in a shite venue, with no atmosphere! Dead and lacking of any energy!!Yes dear reader, I've wasted another day.
A day that could have been better spent doing things such as enjoying the Chinese New Year festivities. I could have gone on a nice bike ride to enjoy this wonderful sunshine we have at the moment. I could have gone for a healthy swim. I could have been all refined and arty and taken in some art galleries for the day. I could have gone to a chilled cafe and enjoyed a latte. I could have read the newspaper or Naked Grafitti a second time, listened to the radio, visited my Dad, decorated, made a cake, gone to the pub for Sunday lunch, a walk down the river. What a fucking failure!
If I counted the amount of days I've spent in a debilitating state, dear reader, I reckon it would make up for about a year of my life!! At these times dear reader, I should have been taking life by the bollocks!! I've therefore decided dear reader, the next time I'm out being next Saturday at Jongleurs, I'm going to try and stick to healthy 'juice' for the night.
I wonder how long this health binge will last?

Teenage Rage!

Hello dear reader! Well had a mad week at work this week. Monday I was absolutely knackered after the shenanigans of Saturday night and partying. The rest of the days just fall into a blur of boredom.
Yesterday I had a 'manager's proposition' put to me. Basically I've been asked if I'll go and work in 3 new hostels and reach certain set targets. This has all come about dear reader due to a colleague going off with stress for the time being. I do hope he recovers and I'm thinking about him!! On top of that I mentor a new teacher, I supervise 14 in my team, I hold regular meetings, I resource, plan and evaluate sessions. I liase with all sorts of agencies. I should be on a fucking better wage!!
Anyway greed aside...and back to more burning issues of teenagers and the nightmare of beibg around them!! Yes, dear reader I'm sick to death of my fucking teenage son!
"Ahh isn't he handsome" say all my lovely friends - Good!! That's a reflection of his breeding - ie.ME!! He may be bloody handsome but he is sending my rage levels through the fucking roof!! and dear reader, that's without being in the menopause!!
We argue about the following:
1. Who gets to go on the PC.
2. The headache volume of his electric guitar playing. Don't get me wrong, I love guitars and music...but his is really starting to fucking grate on me!! Yes, there he is in the picture..argghhhhh. I 'm getting ragey just looking at his picture!!
3. The state of his bedroom.
4. Leaving his clothes all over the place and not putting them in the laundry basket to be washed.
5. Not going to bed although I've told him 100 times.
6. Being a cheeky fucker and always answering back.
7. Talking to me whilst I'm trying to have a conversation with a friend on the phone.
8. Never doing the jobs he's supposed to do.

It's even making me tired, listing these things..there's loads more but I'm bored of thinking about it now.
I have therefore come to the conclusion that teenagers should be sent away like the Spartans at 12? and then brought back to their family when they're 18, slightly more grown up and not so hormonal. I could then live with peace and solitude and prevent bouts of Teenage Rage!!

Who are we?

I've always been fascinated about where I'm from. Who my ancestors are? Where I get my looks from? After watching 'Who Do You Think You Are?' again tonight, it got me thinking dear reader, about who indeed am I.

Sara= blonde, greeny, grey blue eyes that change colour depending on the light and brightness of the day. Healthy complexion - palish in winter but golden in summer, easy to tan. Voluptuous and smallish in height 5'3"!!

Research has shown that my Dad's side of the family originated from southern Ireland - County Longford. On my mother's side - all I know is that Lincolnshire was prominent.
I tend to be drawn more to my father's heritage. Indeed my ancestors on his side were immigrants from Ireland at the time of the great famine in the 1840s. Prior to that, it seems Viking influence in Ireland was present in the Longford area. My Dad's family are all blonde and possess piercing blue eyes.

Interestingly, I've always had a passion and longing for all things nordic. I loved the video to 'Knowing me' by Abba as a young child. Why? Mainly because of the certain images in this video; snow, pine trees, Norwegian style jumpers and Agnethe's beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes.
I find it interesting how children pick up on such trivial, but possibly genetically related aspects of things.

I also went through my life as a teenager pretending to be Norwegian. Indeed when I got chatted up in a club by someone that I wasn't interested in, I just pretended that I didn't speak english as a way of not having to explain myself. This form of trickery worked brilliantly because I was told on numerous occasions that I looked either Norwegian or Danish!!

In my 20s at an extremely troubled time in my life, I landed a job in of all places, Copenhagen, Denmark. Dear reader,what I experienced there was profound. I felt like I'd come home. I fitted in immediately. I loved the culture. The films. I loved the people. I loved the nature, the smell, the weather, the sea, the food. I picked up the language in 6 months with no effort. Denmark and all things danish felt like my spiritual home, my blood bond.

So dear reader, how much of who we are and where we're from, remains in our blood, our DNA?I don't know for sure if I do originate from this part of the world but instinct guides me to this conclusion. That maybe somewhere, our ancestors experiences and heritage are felt by us on a subconscious level, a level that we search for and relish once we find it.

Fuck it! I'm getting away!

Hello dear reader! Well I got paid on Friday and all my money's just gone..by the time I'd paid for my rent, bills, my new PC, food...I am left with nothing dear reader, nothing! Sweet bugger all. Nada. Ingen ting! I'm fed up of being skint!
So what do I go and do to change my mind set dear reader? Yes, I go and spend more money on a hotel room in February in the Peak District!

"Fuck it!" I say to myself convincingly. I need to get some space and time for my mind to recouperate. Yes and "fuck it" I will indeed!

Indeed last year was one of the hardest years of my life! Granted I had barrels of fun and laughter but I also touched a passion so deep, that it's left me in a perpetual state of emptiness, longing and sadness. I don't know how long this state will be with me. I don't know whether this state is deluded but I feel it's true to my heart.

I also lost the one person in my life that gave me unconditional love - my Mother, which dear reader, I have already spoken about in earlier posts. I still don't quite believe she's not on the physical plane of life anymore.
However, I'm the sort of person that's able to keep going and maintain some sort of sanity amongst all the insanity that's been occurrent.

I'm gonna treat myself like a Queen for a day. Materially, I'm going to eat nice food, sleep in crisp, clean cotton sheets (although satin would be preferable). I'm going to drink red wine. I'm going to use room service.I'm going to put a cover over the T.V to block out reality! I'm going to think of no-one else apart from me. (supposedly!!)
On a more spiritual level I'm going to soak up the wonderful atmosphere that the lovely hills and the caves that lie beneath Castleton and Edale bring. I'm going to remind myself of how much I love this part of the world. It's energy and stillness is like a magnet to me.
There's something extremely peaceful about Edale. The fact that you almost never hear the hum of cars' engines. The fact that you're surrounded by a dramatic landscape. The fact that you hear waterfalls and streams running wildly in winter and calmly in summer. The fact that you feel at one with the world is truly exhilerating. There's also a magical feeling about Castleton, dear reader, with all of it's caverns, castle and the tiny cemetry perched out of eyes reach.
I know too, dear reader, when I return to the madness and manicness of the city, my soul will feel replenished and renewed from the pollutants that stagnate our minds.
So "fuck it" dear reader "fuck it"
I'm spent up, skint, brassic but who gives a shit when I've had the chance to taste a bit of nirvana for a day!

Fancy dress fetish!

That's it!! I'm converted..I need to do research into finding places to go dressed up as a warrior woman!! Yes, fancy dress and role play is bloody great fun! There were some great costumes at my mates party - Wonderwoman, Batman, Supergirl, Bonnie and Clyde, Gangsters, Pirates, A wicked wolf although the guy had an advantage as he worked for Norwich Playhouse!
Four guys must've been well freaked out as they were 'speeding their tits off' and were paranoid as hell!! That made me giggle a little!Imagine being off your head and seeing a load of people in fancy dress?
I wanted confirmation from people that I looked like a warrior...so played the guessing game with random strangers.
"Who am I?"...
"Hmm are you some sort of warrior?" was quite a few of the responses.
One guy, happily suggested that I was a Nordic Warrior /Goddess. That made me happy, so I decided to change my role half way through the night into Freya - Nordic Goddess of love! I lost my sword along the way, ended up with bruises around my wrist and my feet ached like hell from too much dancing. I ran out of vodka by 1am but managed to coax a little more from some very sweet, kind people.
Party was in all EXCELLENT and just the sort of demented behaviour a warrior woman would so desire! Fantastic soundsystem, playing a range of cheese, drum and bass, Techno, Punk, Reggae, Ska!
AND dear friends, it's happening again tonight without the warrior look sadly. I await a decent night of listening to Ska and reggae, getting a bit high and enjoying the company of many good friends.

Boadicea? or Boudica?I await the role of thou!!

Fancy Dress and I'm excited!! I'm off to a friends 40th birthday on Saturday in Norwich. The theme for her birthday is 'Superheroes'. I've thought long and hard over this and decided that Boudica would be the perfect choice. She represents what I like in the female spirit; strong, independent, loving, a true believer and compassionate person for her people and a willingness to fight against injustice in her time of history.
I've managed to create a good outfit after thinking creatively today. An old velvet brown dress with a large belt. I'm going to spray paint some old boots bronze. I've made some fab arm, neck and head jewellery out of gardening wire believe it or not, which will also be spray painted bronze. I'm gonna plait parts of my hair and buy a fake sword and shield from somewhere. I can't wait!!!
This fancy dress business is great fun once you get into it...Besides, I've always wanted to dress like a warrior woman, given the chance!!

A brief rundown of my role as Boudica!!

Between AD 61 and AD 63 Boadicea led her Iceni people to a glorious but bloody war against the Romans. The Iceni Celts had submitted their kingdom in East Anglia to the conquering Romans and the rule of Emperor Claudius in AD 43. In AD 61, Prasutagus, Boadicea's husband and King of the Iceni died. A dispute followed during which Boadicea, was publicly beaten by the soldiers of the emperor, and her two daughters raped. The Iceni were insulted and rose in revolt led by their queen Boadicea. So successful was the uprising that the Romans were almost defeated. Unfortunately for the Iceni and their allies, the military skill of the Roman army finally led to the crushing of the rebellion.After the revolt, Roman rule was re-established. For almost two glorious years, Boadicea pillaged the Roman settlements; she remains to this day, the greatest of the heroines of Britain.

Cheesy fascism!!

What a joke!! The government are thinking of limiting the amount of salt that goes into an old Stilton cheese recipe. Their justification being, that Stilton cheese contains more salt in it, than is the legal limit in the UK!! However, the makers of Stilton cheese argue, that the cheese will lose it's old taste and will lose certain flavours inherent in the taste that is Stilton!!
On the other hand, Roquefort cheese from France, has a much higher content than Stilton, but yet is still allowed to be sold on the shelves of our supermarkets, without any questioning.
Now call me thick or something but aren't we as individuals able to make our own informed choices about whether we eat salt drenched cheeses or not? According to the government plans, probably not!! Surely we CAN and do make our choices about the food we put into our mouths. Indeed, wouldn't it be better to look at the long term effects of 'e' numbers, rather than concentrating on a few too many grains of salt?
It makes me sick to realise that we are now living in ever increasing times of a prescriptive society. What we eat and drink, how we dress, our behaviour, our size, our rights as 'free' individuals are being taken slowly and quietly, away from us. Mr Blair is certainly one of the most right-wing Labour, cheesiest Prime Ministers to govern for quite some time!!

New Years Eve and I'm Happy!!

Happy New Year to all of you guys out there! I had such a great New Years Eve at my brother's house. I managed to neck a bit too much vodka. I managed to slip over and almost sprain my ankle. I danced to 'My Way' and 'Suspicious Minds' by Elvis, with my Dad. I had a big debate about women's oppression with my brother and almost decked him. I spent 3 hours talking and reminiscing to an ex boyfriend from my teenage days - fuck I went wrong somewhere - he's high up in a banking company and earns stupid amounts of cash!! I sent a text to someone that I really shouldn't have sent. I was partner in crime by getting the said ex, stoned.I rang an old friends house at 2am. I danced to random dance tracks. I wept.I thought about my Mum. I contemplated and now I feel enlightened. Yep New Year was decidedly great!!

Plants and global warming

Earlier today, I was listening to a discussion on Radio 4 about the effects global warming is having on plants. The discussion was based at Kew Gardens in London and focussed on an interview with a gardener there. He was discussing about the changes to growth in plants and that certain plants were already growing buds although this isn't supposed to happen until spring.
This in some respects, is a visible sign of the consequences of global warming. I've noticed in my own garden that my roses still have buds on them and new shoots are appearing on their main stem.
This change really concerns me. I would really hate to go to a time in the future where there were no visible changes in the seasons. I actually really love the differences in our seasons, indeed they're a natural cycle to our life and add meaning to life in many ways.
Symbolically too, seasons represent ourselves and our own life cycle in many ways. If I think of myself and relate me to the seasonal cycle, I'm at a crossover period of seasons. I'm at late summer moving very slowly into autumn. I'm still a fertile woman, if you take biology into the equation although I won't be having more children. I still feel full of life, have a pretty good amount of energy - a source that is representative of the sun and the fires of passion are still burning. (Although when speaking of passion, I would argue this continues for many people, in different aspects, throughout their lives.)
So, if global warming continues at the rate it is now, what will the long term effect on us, as human beings, really be? How will it effect our own life cycle? These are all questions that I have no answer too, but that concern me deeply.

What is love?

Hello people! I hope you all had a happy Xmas. Over the last few months I've been pondering the meaning of love. Well actually I've been pondering the meaning of love abd life since I was five years old come to think of it!
Love definition = deep affection or fondness/sexual passion.. This definition does not go into the different depths of love a person can feel on many different levels. I would like to go into this in more detail and explain what I mean.
Take the loss of my mother for example, I have never felt that sort of pain in my life. This is a pain that reaches right down, deep in the pit of your stomach and crawls up to your throat! This is obviously because of the love felt for my Mother but also the emotional grief that arises from that loss.
On another level, true love in the relationship sense of the word, is an unconditional feeling. It's a feeling that causes you deep sorrow when you say goodbye to that person. It's a feeling that is almost electric when the person you love touches you. It's a feeling that doesn't need words to express emotion..the eyes, in this sort of love, are the main communicator. Indeed in this sort of love, their happiness, is your happiness. On another level, love can be more of a surface feeling...it doesn't quite reach the depths required to totally fulfill your needs.
I have experienced many levels of love in my life but I think I've only felt deep, true love once.

Works out for Christmas!!

Hooray!! I finally broke up from work today for 2 whole weeks. Thats the perk of being an F.E Teacher I suppose. Although my last day at work was exceptionally boring, with no xmas spirit in my office whatsoever!! I'd much rather have clocked off at 1.00pm and headed off to the pub with a load of colleagues and had a good old drink and gab and actually feel like it's a special time. The day consisted of me and some colleagues moving office furniture around! Great!
Haven't got alot planned for the festive season. Normally I'd do a winter solstice celebration tomorrow but I'm not really in the mood for that after the death of my Mum. I'll light a candle though in her memory tomorrow night and may even get a fire going in the garden with some mulled wine to warm the cockles!!
I may even try to head off to the Peak District - one of my favourite parts of the world for some solace! One thing's for sure, I definitely want to go and see Narnia! I read that book years ago and found it magical then. So I reckon the film may bring a little winter magic into my imagination for Christmas, despite some of the bad reviews it's had. Yes, I think Christmas Eve will be spent away in fantasy land at the cinema!

My head and heart hurts

Well my day has left me with a sore head and heart...really sore!! Don't know why it feels so sore but I think it ranges from sadness to hopelessness. I suppose I'm just having a day where everything seems at a weird point, regarding human emotions!! Ignore me...it will pass.

Donnie Darko and emotions

Well, I showed this fantastic film to a group of students today. It was enjoyed by all and their remarks that followed, was both interesting and enlightening about how people read this film.
Donnie Darko is a truly emotive film, in my opinion. I came away from the session feeling that alot had been achieved in the sense that the group of students had discussed the film really well and each had their own conclusive thoughts. I also came away from the session feeling somewhat spaced out, on another planet. almost!
This film taps into areas of the brain that I feel are not often tapped into, a sort of ancient emotion of times gone by. I can't quite explain this feeling but it gives a slight pain behind the ear region and on the lumpy part at the back of the head - some part of the brain cortex I imagine. For example the area of the brain known as the temporal lobe which finds itself concerned with perception and recognition of auditory stimuli (hearing) and memory (hippocampus).I don't know a whole lot about the brain butI believe the emotive side of the brain, can be felt on a physical plane. Anyway thats my heavy ranting for today!

Violence to women continues

After reading the Weekend section of The Guardian today, it proves what I have been arguing about over the last 10 years of my life, through my time at college and Social Policy degree days! Kathy Viner portrayed this evidence clearly and added numerous photos of women that have been killed over the last year in the UK. Indeed women are much more likely to get abused, maimed or killed at the hands of their male partners compared to men killed by women.
These same men are often given short sentences for such crimes. Again, a fault of the law system in this country and an underrepresentation of women judges.
The added sadness about this article, is the amount of children that have lost their mothers and who probably never had much time to get to know their mothers properly. I really feel for these children, as I lost my Mum two weeks agao and this pain is one that cannot be healed by a magic drug. It will be a gnawing eternal pain throughout my life and undoubtedly throughout the lives of these poor children.
It makes you really wonder about the mentality of some of the men that commit these crimes. Not that I am immune to this, I work in probation hostels with some serious criminals. I have patience, understanding and treat these people with humanity and empathy. But still when I read the article today it made me cringe and reminded me that I'm probably teaching some of these perpetrators.
All of this made me think about society itself and the feminist arguements around power and domination. Indeed the power struggles women and men have both on a professional and domestic level.
What do I think is the solution to ending violence against women? Well, my irrational, angry self wants to commit some sort of painful torture to these men! But my kinder,empathetic, rational self wants to understand, reason and try to change this violence that continues to kill women needlessly!

I love birthdays

I love birthdays! People always make the mistake of thinking that you really have to go over the top with regards to having fun. This was my experience last weekend whilst out on my friend's birthday night. We watched 3 bands, got slowly drunk on our stash of handbag vodka and decided to head to a club that we frequent on very rare occasions.
Along the way we met a lovely guy, who was busking with his guitar. My friend fancied him, so I made every attempt to invite him to the club so she could maybe have some fun.Sadly, he was going home to his girlfriend, which was bit of a birthday blow for my mate!
Once in the club we danced to 80s and 90s music. My mate was on a mad mission regarding her dancing - so I left her to it! She returned a while later to shout
"who the fuck is that fit bastard?"
That fit bastard was one fairly drunk and incoherent god of a man. Now, looks are great, but the head of the person is where it's at for me. She went on all night about how she was as jealous as fuck and that could she have him. I kindly made an offer of her, to this godlike male, but he wasn't having any of it under them dark wavy locks!
We all ended up having a great deal of fun, but the moral of the night for me was, although this guy was stunningly beautiful and indeed Eros himself - he hardly had a word to say about anything!! I'm putting this quietness down to the sheer fact that alcohol and drugs do strange things to people.

Six Feet Under, family and friends are my saviour!

Well four days after my mother's death. What a weird feeling.I've helped sort out all the bureacratic type stuff that needs sorting. I've picked the coffin and off to pick the flowers tonight.
Yesterday and Tuesday were Bad, Bad days. Thanks Barnze for preparing me mentally for those days. Your words have been really appreciated.
Now, this may sound weird, but whilst all this sadness has being going on around me, I have been somewhat comforted by certain episodes of Six Feet Under appearing in my head. Indeed yesterday whilst at the Funeral Directors business, I couldn't help comparing it to the business of the Fishers! I'd much rather have the Fisher's to be dealing with my mothers death. Indeeed they seem to be less business orientated and more empathetic and compassionate. I'm not saying that the one we chose to use isn't empathetic..but it just didn't feel as comforting as the home and atmosphere of the Fishers residence. There were no tissues on the desk for example and the woman dealing with the funeral was nowhere as compassionate as Nate or David. Indeed nowhere near as sexy as Nate!! He would be enough to take your mind off sad things!
The room that we discussed our needs in, was a small cramped office! OK we had a complementary cup of coffee, but so we should for the fuckin price they charge for burials.
My Dad made me laugh out loud about his own wishes to be buried in a biodegradable cardboard box! Non of this 'expensive nonsense' were his words!! My siblings were all almost wetting themselves in disbelief!We then went on to discuss green burials,to be told that a wicker coffin costs £600!!! My Dad continued with.."I better start weaving my own now" more laughter. How I love my Dad for his 'no nonsense' sense of humour! I suppose thats how we should cope with death. To see humour and light amongst all the sadness.
I've also been comforted greatly by going out last night with some really good, caring friends. They forced me out for a curry, with copious amounts of wine. We all ended up extremely hammered and by the end of the night my smiles and laughter had returned. Indeed these people are the sort of friends that I now realise are true, caring friends, who realised I needed to get out and in some way turn my attentions away from shock and sadness.
Today I feel rather lifted in my self. I felt a warm sensation when I placed my Mums old ring on my finger. Maybe her spirit is there around me just like the souls that pass through each episode of Six Feet Under!! Alan Ball IS a genius!