Reflective few days

I've had a few really reflective days. I went out last night and became upset on the way home. Upset because I miss the person I love and because I know I have to try and break free of these emotions.
Today though, I've been reading some Dalai Llama writings and thought I'd share these with you. If all humans aspired to live their lives in this way, I feel the world would be free of suffering.

The Goal

Most people have heard of nirvana. It has become equated with a sort of eastern version of heaven. Actually, nirvana simply means cessation. It is the cessation of passion, aggression and ignorance; the cessation of the struggle to prove our existence to the world, to survive. We don't have to struggle to survive after all. We have already survived. We survive now; the struggle was just an extra complication that we added to our lives because we had lost our confidence in the way things are. We no longer need to manipulate things as they are into things as we would like them.

Four Noble Truths

(1) the noble truth that life involves suffering
(2) the noble truth that suffering arises from craving
(3) the noble truth that suffering ends with the removal of craving
(4) the noble truth that there is a way to the end of suffering.

3 unwholesome truths

(1) We must overcome exploitative greed with global generosity, helpfulness, and cooperation.(2) We must replace hatred and revenge with a policy of kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. (3) We must recognize that our world is an interdependent, interwoven whole such that irresponsible behavior anywhere has potentially harmful repercussions everywhere

Inequalities

What is the cause of the inequality that exists among mankind? Why should one person be brought up in the lap of luxury, endowed with fine mental, moral and physical qualities, and another in absolute poverty, steeped in misery? Why should one person be a mental prodigy, and another an idiot? Why should one person be born with saintly characteristics and another with criminal tendencies? Why should some be linguistic, artistic, mathematically inclined, or musical from the very cradle? Why should others be congenitally blind, deaf, or deformed? Why should some be blessed, and others cursed from their birthspray.

May We Appreciate and RememberToday
may we appreciate this food and remember those who are hungry.
May we appreciate our family and friends and remember those who are alone.
May we appreciate our health and remember those who are sick.
May we appreciate the freedoms we have and remember those who suffer injustice and tyranny.

Going to Sleep

Falling asleep at last, I vow with all beings to enjoy the dark and the silence and rest in the vast unknown.

Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well.
Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source

“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”

Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.A.N Other had become 'another' to her. Vacant.
The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life.
She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing
1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of. Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....

Winter is upon us.

Wow, the weather's certainly getting a bit on the cold side tonight. The object of my love came over to my house for the first time today and it was touching to hear how he felt my home reflected me so much. A pretty accurate observation I'd say really. I wanted to show him all around my house because although he's known me over 18months, he's never stepped a foot into my house until today, which is pretty shit for him, in all honesty. Saying that, I loved going to his place because it always felt like a really peaceful and warm place to be. A bit of a sanctuary in many ways for me, away from my own life and its problems. It always had a certain smell too which even in the new place where he lives, that smell has followed.

Anyway, after he'd gone I sat contemplating everything and tears welled up in my eyes and dropped onto my cheeks and an envelope, that laid on the table.

I decided after this emotional outburst, to take myself out for a while on a bike ride. It was wonderful to feel the cold air on my skin and smell the frosty, winter air. I also noticed that the moon is half full and waning, on this clear night. It put things a little into perspective for me. I really wished that things could be different. I know they can't but I so wish they could. I've waited so long to be alone and properly available to share good times and now that I'm available, my love isn't wanted. It's a weird old world really because the things that you feel may been in your grasp, often move further and further away from it.

Winter, its coldness and darkness will give me the much needed time to reflect on many things and hopefully will put a lot of things to rest.

New Day, New Start

Sorry people for my miserable outbursts. I've been going through a lot of pain really for quite a long time, in one way or another.
I've always wanted to be with a person who can't be with me, for whatever; I love him unconditionally but I now realise that 20 months is a long time to wait for a person who doesn't want to be with me. In this time also, my Mother has died and I finally, have managed to untie the leash of a long term dead relationship, after years of feeling a great sense of emotional dissatisfaction.
I always, in my hearts of hearts, felt I would eventually be with the person, whom I feel an unconditional love for. I guess this is never going to happen. I guess I've been far too stuck in a dream world of delusional thoughts and wishing something more would materialise with this beloved.
Sadly, I'm now trying to face the reality of cutting off my emotions. I find this hard to do, when I have so much love for the person. I know through history, lovers have felt this pain and woe but it's just so tragically upsetting, especially when 'the beloved' has been in your thoughts since you met them; You've shared warm times with them, you feel connected to them, you feel a real sense of 'love' from them, you love being with them and you hate being away from them and you feel special when you're with them. All of these feelings are really hard to just cut off for me but I know I have to try my best to do this. I know a flame in me, will feel like it's dying but I hope someday, a flame will be reignited again.

God I give up

I've really had enough today.
I can't be arsed with anything or anyone.
I'm sick of people messing my head around...hiding snippets of information from me, that actually, are really important for me to know. I'm sick of being seen as second besat and unworthy.. I give up from now on, I really do.

I want peace now. I need peace. I need to build my strength, my soul and my heart.

God, I'm hard work!

Yes folks, I've finally admitted to myself that I'm hard work; An emotional nightmare full of delusional fantasy and dreams. I therefore realise that my life is destined to be one of a solitary nature, where no man will be subjected to the following traits

1. Emotional and able to understand and express feelings
2. Music lover and creative
3. Reader and poetry lover
4. Philosophiser of life - Buddhist/Existentialist traits
5. Recreational pot smoker and red wine/Vodka drinker and at Xmas, Tia Maria has been known to pass my ruby lips
6. Passionate in and out of the sack
7. Romantic but not always able to verbalise romantic thoughts 'in the moment' but they are there. I think I may have slight learning difficulties with this area of my brain, hence the feeling of wanting to kick oneself at times
8. Occasional mood swings, especially around the time of menstruation
9. Doesn't want kids ever again, unless truly 'in love', safe and feel protected and cared for
10. Lover nature - get out of ya cars you polluting bastards!
11. Lover of films - the more art house and obscure, the better. Although I have been known to watch 'Home Alone' and laugh at least twice, especially when Macauly sets all of the traps up.I like his tactics.
12. Understands the need for a woman to yell out loud , at times.
13. A blank, vacant expression, at certain times in the month in no way means, that I'm disinterested.
14. Dreams and a dreamer
15. Spontaneous and impulsive
16. Incourageable
17. Love food and don't give a shit about fatty foods, bring it on you 'diet whores.'
18. Ranter and aggressive at times of injustice
19. Writer of deep thoughts and emotions
20. Giving.
21. Believer in honesty and openess
22. A craver of love and affection; known to be classed as 'needy' from the opposite sex.(Hmm I'd query that one with the few - mainly one man, who belives this, they have the emotional blockage I'd argue here and are unable to reach a deeper level of emotional attachment. I like loving and hugging and die without bodily warmth, emotion and connection. Believe me, I'd been emotionally dead for about 5 years, up until about 18 months ago)
God, that's one hell of a list. Solitary life becomes me and my sad cocoon.

Arthur Lee lyrics

Been listening to the lyrics of Arthur Lee and Love; One of my all time 60s bands. This man was a true legend and I'm so glad I went to see him perform a few years ago. I was impressed. Love the lyrics to this song.

The Red Telephone

Sitting on a hillside
Watching all the people die
I'll feel much better on the other side
I'll thumb a ride
I believe in magic
Why, because it is so quick
I don't need power when I'm hypnotized
Look in my eyes
What are you seeing (I see...)
How do you feel?
(...you)
I feel real phony when my name is Phil
Or was that Bill?
Life goes on here
Day after day
I don't know if I am living or if I'm
Supposed to be
Sometimes my life is so eerie
And if you think I'm happy
Paint me (white)
I've been here once
I've been here twice
I don't know if the third's the fourth or if the -
The fifth's to fix
Sometimes I deal with numbers
And if you wanna count me
Count me out
I don't need the time of day
Anytime with me's OK
I just don't want you using up my time
'Cause that's not right
They're locking them up today
They're throwing away the key
I wonder who it'll be tomorrow, you or me?
We're all normal and we want our freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom

Fuck emotions

Fuck emotions is my motto today. It don't get you know fuckin where to be an emotional person cos people get so scared of emotions and dealing with them. Well, I damned well know how to deal with my emotions so now, I close them off.
But this isn't the 'real' me. I'm an open, loving person. All I've ever offered to the people who matter in my life, is love. It seems that love is sometimes the wrong thing to offer. I'm so stupid and ridiculous at times.

What a day

Oh dear, after watching this song video on TV last night, it's just made me so sad. Not sad for my ex partner but sad because of the love I have for another.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdjidfbMHDw

The love I feel is so large and mighty, it's tears me apart at times. It's all of my fault too, thinking that I'm strong and able to cope with small snippets of love and affection.

All I want is to share many times with this person, give my love to this person, plan with this person, make this person happy, spend time doing things together, all the things that you do when you're 'in love' with a person. I miss this person so much after I've spent time with him, so much so, that I have a constant ache in my heart. I've never had such depth of feeling for another; My first 'serious' lover comes close but nothing as deep as this.

God, why do I love so very much?

I suppose, as beautiful Sinead hauntingly sings

"I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? He said girl you better try to have fun No matter what you'll do but he's a fool`Cause nothing compares, Nothing compares to you"

Maybe this may be the tonic I need for tonight. Maybe not.

I wish that time stood still

Today I'm rather tired. I really don't care that I'm tired; this sort of tiredness is worthy. I managed to make it to work today, although I was rushing a little as I didn't get home til gone 4am and really didn't want to get out of bed.

I visited heaven again last night. This sort of heaven I never want to end. I love heaven and all that it brings. I wish it were infinite. I wish time would stand still or time could reverse. If I could reverse time, say press a button or some such, I'd go back again to all of the lovely times spent in blissful heaven.

Heaven has a strange effect on me when I've been in this special place; I yearn, I daydream, I fantasise, I smile to myself, I long, I visualise, I replay, I glow, I desire and most of all, I feel a huge sense of warmth and love.

Heaven is truly a magical, beautiful place, but heaven is too short lived for me and the love that burns inside of me.

Argghh what an awful Dream

My God, I woke up this morning feeling worse for ware. I had an awful, awful dream. It involved loads of conflict, ladders,lofts,dust, fibre glass, anger, betrayal and sadness.
It was just horrible and my arm is really hurting today, so fuck knows whether I've been bashing my arm around, whilst sleeping! Ooo I hate those sort of dreams, you know, the ones that make you almost cry when you wake up....Thank God for reality today!

Should I stay or should I go?

Well, been talking to a colleague of mine today who works at a college in Sheffield. He's basically told me that there's a lot of work going up that way and I'd get a job where he works if I applied, due to my experience. This sounds rather tempting and beings as though there's quite a few vacancies there at the mo, I'm tempted.

The one thing that I've wanted in my life for the past 18 months, doesn't ever seem like it's going to be realised; he's made it quite clear to me that all I am is a friend and no more. He's made it clear that he's interested in other people and not me on a relationship level. This saddens me and hurts me so very much but I realise that I have to stop living in a fantasy world and if other opportunities come along then I need to take them. I'm getting no younger in life and therefore want to grab life by the bollocks and enjoy what's out there for me.

So I'm gonna think long and hard over this one but one things for sure, I can't keep on hoping, fantasing and preying for what I want, as these actions seem to get me nowhere in all honesty..especially when I want to share so much with this person.

Kindness and rememberance on Samhain.

Well back to work for me today. Had an OK day but then had a load of arguements with my eldest son when I got home. Life can be a shit at times as a Mum;disrespected, called, abusive comments etc etc.Maybe the evil spirits of Samhain/Halloween were having some effect! Makes me want to bury my head in my hands and cry at times.

However, Another touching moment occurred today in the form of a message from a DJ that I saw live on Saturday and who I'd commented about how much I liked his music on his Myspace page. The sweet guy insisted on sending me a free CD of his music. How great is that? I'm touched and warmed by these sort of actions, kindness and goodness. I can't wait to get listening to his music; Funnily enough, he's a big fan of Way Out West too, one of my all time favourite musicians/DJs.

So, have a peaceful Samhain out there people. I hope the passing spirits are rewarded well..I'm thinking about my Mum right now too, who departed from this world nearly a year ago now and can't help but wonder where her soul may be right now. I'm also thinking about the one I love and I miss him.

I'm also thinking and contemplating the last year of my life, as this time of year tends to make me do this. Samhain ritual does lead one to think and reflect about events/happenings over the past year...
Now? I only want happiness, love, passion and kindness in my life. (OK random sadness here and there is part of life) but this year, since my Mum passed, has been turbulent on the emotions. At least now I know I'm coping better albeit with a few off days and I'm a little stronger with the help, love and support from those around me, who show compassion, understanding and kindness to me.

A reflective Samhain to you all on this peaceful eve.

Horribleness.

I really don't get why some people are horrible to each other? What the fuck is the point of it? Honesty, openess and respect for each other is totally where I'm at. I really don't buy into being horrible to people or for that matter, I don't like hearing about friends, people I love, associates, anyone for that matter, being treated horribly. For God's sake, this is how wars start..don't people actually equate nastiness with the bigger picture and problems on a worldwide scale? I certainly do.

For any people out there who get off on being an arsehole, I suggest you go and read some Buddhist Philosophy for some enlightenment and as a way to live your life. I love someone deeply, hence me never wanting to cause him distress even though he may've not been the sweetest of people at times, but I accept that he will have a bad conscience for actions that may have been hurtful. And, I know he has a conscience; he is a sweet, beautiful person underneath the outer shell, who I've always been so happy to be around and share lovely times with.

So, if anyone you encounter in the nest few days is horrible I suggest you smile at them and go and tell them to become a little more enlightened.

The Power of Bernini

After watching an art programme on Friday night, I've fallen in love with the sculptures created by the Italian genius Bernini. They're so lifelike and to think that a person created these with their own hands out of marble, is just amazing. Enjoy people!

Hooray for a night out.

Finally recovered from the ridiculous whinging that I've inflicted you with over the past few posts. Yesterday had a chilled day and went shopping for a pumpkin. I was hoping to get a 'locally grown' allotment pumpkin but my Dad, who has his own allotment, hasn't grown any this year. Boo Boo. Gonna make some gorgeous pumpkin soup for Halloween, or Samhain as I prefer to call it and maybe invite a few people over for samhain activities. Hopefully I'll get a bonfire going and burn past issues; bit of a Samhain ritual that I like to maintain.
It was wonderful to cycle through a local park; kids out,leaves turning yellow, fresh breeze in the air, crispish feel to the day. I do so love autumn, it's such a special time, it really is.
Last night I was going to stay in but then a friend urged me to go out and I'm glad I did. Had a wonderful night, watching gigs and dancing and met some new people from the forum that I like to read and post on. The most touching conversation was with a guy called Ed. He'd always wanted to meet me in 'real life' and commented on how lovely it was to finally make my acquaintance. We chatted about all things reggae and his move to Nottingham from Brighton.Would've been good to have chatted to him for longer but sadly, the night ended too soon.
Also chatted to some other people from the forum and had a good laugh with them about different things, including my ridiculous rants at times.
Really enjoyed a DJ called Delirium Funk. I'm gonna be watching him closely and aim to see him play at Stealth on November 17th. He's good, really good. Great tunes and a reminder of 90s dance music, which excites me at the best of times.

So people, a happier being am I today, and feeling much more positive about the future and fun that I anticipate.

Oh Dear Lord God

Oh dear me, I was in a BAD HEADSPACE last night. I really was. Sorry to inflict this crap onto you guys.

Self Protection and retracing.

People, I'm getting bored. Bored of cyberspace, bored of real space. The only thing I'm not bored of is being out there in the open, with no-one around me. Sounds mad, I know, but the stay I've just returned from in the peaks really set me up again. I cried when I left. I sat on the top deck of the bus and tears streamed down my face.
I really didn't want to come back to Nottingham;too many memories that tear at my heart. Too much emotional turbulence that has passed through my heart and soul. Too much love lost along the way. Too much of myself now feeling like an empty shell, with nothing left to give anymore. I feel like I'm a shadow of what my energy was. I feel stripped bare of emotion and love.

One thing I did feel love for, was the journey along the top of the peaks near Hathersage and Stannedge Edge. Beautiful, barren and green, yellow red in colour. Whilst I passed this area I wrote a small poem, which I seem to have misplaced along the way.It will return, if it's meant to.

I also loved the journey through the Eccles area of Sheffield. I noted down a few Estate agent's names for further reference, as I would like to think that one day I may well relocate closer to the Peaks. This may take some time but the thought and desire are there in my heart still.
This seems the best thing for me right now; concentrate on the things that have no emotional attachment, that don't cause me pain, that don't make me yearn.It's hard to be able to put my mind into that sort of frame because I'm normally such a warm person, fall of so much love, but for the sake of my heart and mind's protection, I need to focus on the small undetailed things in life.
Yes, I still miss my loved one. I miss him like nothing ever before. I missed him whilst I was away. I dreamed he was there with me sharing warm, passionate times. I pictured him. I sensed him.
I don't know anymore what to think. All I feel is that I've lost out. I've lost him. I've lost in love. That's tough, really tough and I'm therefore in mourning and have now been in this state for quite a while. Hence, the feeling of emptiness and detachment that's plaguing my lonely heart.Maybe I'm just far too deluded and always have been? Like I know, he doesn't have the spark for me that I hold for him and thus, I should yes, just get over it. It's hard to get over someone that you've fallen deeply 'in love' with by accident. Love isn't something that happens easy for me and with many people; these people are few and far between.

Anyway, I must move on from this head state and tell you that I've also been writing a short story but I daren't display it to you people yet. One day, when I feel stronger and more confident I will do it then. I promise.

Until then, have a good weekend and week ahead. I fear I may be less on this blog because I need to stop escaping into cyberworld on some level. I actually want to begin meditating and remembering the simple things in life again. I'm quite bored of the club scene and all the meaningless banter that goes on in it. I want to be around genuine, compassionate people, who are non judgemental and loving towards me. Hence the need for my retracing.

Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well. Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.
Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source
“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”


Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.

A.N Other had become another to her. Vacant. The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.
He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.
The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?
She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life. She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing

1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.
Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.
In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of.
Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....

The force of nature

My thought for the week is

I love to be complimented but all I desire is to feel loved, like nothing ever before on this planet. You can't force love but neither can you deny the forces of nature.

To see a loved one

I went to meet the object of my poems yesterday, just for a quick drink. I was really nervous about meeting him as I haven't seen him for a while. It was good to see him again. I did feel rather restrained, as quite a lot of things have been said in between time. I would've liked to have spent longer with him, but this wasn't to be for him.

The weirdest was, how similar I feel we are. He took the words right out of my mouth when we left the pub by commenting on how weird it is to drink in the day and how when you leave a dark pub, it really affects your eyes. I've always thought this in life and was thinking it yesterday as we left the pub!

I miss this person a lot. I feel that we have a lot of things in common that I miss not sharing more time with him as I used to before. Our lives are different it's true but I don't think these differences matter. I've been quite contemplative since I saw him. I wonder whether he thinks about any of these things? I wonder...

I got home and just thinking and visualising about certain moments that I've shared with him over time, made my stomach and heart flip, which showed me my feelings are still so very strong and forceful.

Message felt my pain

Well as you know people, I tend to be a tad emotional on here at times. I have to admit that most days I cry. Normally late at night when I go to bed and lie there thinking about things that have had a deep impact on me recently.

Anyway, something strange happended last night people. I received a nessage from a person who's the lead singer of a band that I really like. The message touched my heart massively. It was a thoughtful, kind, warm, loving message. The words were so eloquent and kindly put together, that it touched my heart to the point that it made me cry whilst reading it.
The person who wrote it had taken out a lot of time to piece the words together but also gain an understanding of the sort of things I am into, by their reading and interest in my own Myspace website.

The message was also really positive with inspiring thoughts about the future and the bigger picture in life.
I felt this message came to me at the right time on a universal level, because although it made me cry, it made me realise that I need to be around people who bring kindness, love, friendship , sharing and warmth into my life. I am a massive bringer of all of these things and I too need these things to survive on an emotional level.

So I thank this person and the universal message for reminding me about the important qualities in life and of people.

Bored!

This week I'm feeling bored people.

Bored of meaningless rants and dialogue.
Bored of TV.
Bored of Madonna adopting a baby.
Bored of the way we continue to live our lives and fuck up the environment.
Bored of newspapers.
Bored of the scene.
Bored, Bored BORED.
Bored of bill paying and money scraping.

You don't need to try and console me readers, or try to make me feel better. I'm just thinking out loud.

What I'm not bored about though readers, is my mate telling me tonight that her friend has just bought a house to rent out in Marakkesh, as from next year and funnily enough, this is a place I'm longing to visit! It may well be that I get out there sooner than I thought! This is good reader. Very good indeed.

I'm also not bored about going off again, to the Peaks next week. A good old stay in a hotel with brekkie included! Plenty of walking, plenty of fresh air, plenty of solace, plenty of peace, plenty of wilderness.

I'm so ashamed

The other day, I did something I'm not proud of, I reacted angrily and viciously to some comments someone made to me.In the normality of this, people would probably say I was right to act like this.But it just doesn't sit right with me. In fact this someone, is the object of my poems. I felt I had to get all of my anger out about so many things but this has made me feel extremely sad though.

All I really feel for this person is a continual love. I'm mad at myself for saying some of the things that I said. I'm mad at myself for stooping so low to retaliate in this way. I hate being like this with people;it reminds me of school days and how kids call names at each other. It's childish and not something I want to be part of especially when the words are being said to the person I have a deep love for. Even though I'm not with this person or in a relationship with this person, I still care deeply. I still love deeply. I still worry deeply. I still wish deeply.

Although I do feel some of the words I wrote to this person did need to be said, I'm so angry at myself for being so cutting, damning and downright abusive. I don't like acting this way with friends or lovers, for that matter.

I'm annoyed at myself.

Emotional being

Is it just me or do any of you guys have differing changes in your moods fairly often? One day I can feel happy the next I can feel an overwhelming sense of strange sadness. My questions to you people are..

Is this normal?
Is this just part of the human condition?
Is this because the one thing I love, I miss so much and it tears at my heart often.
Is this just because I'm such a sensitive, emotional being?
Is this because I'm a woman?
is this just how I've always been? Hmm,I think maybe I have, in one way or another!

Happiness can't be with us on a daily level I'm sure. Although when I read the Dalai Llama's works, he seems to have sussed it out quite well;I love the fact that the simple things in life, are the ones that bring us happiness.

Have happy, simple days people!

Happiness is........

Do you remember those funny cards and bags that used to be around in the 80s that said stuff like
"Happiness is...." or "Love is........"

Well for some reason these cards/pieces of useless merchandise are on my mind today. I think it's because my soul in some ways feels at peace.

So happiness for me this week is......

A big fat curry tomorrow night with lashings of red wine.

Possibly, a mad night out of dancing on Saturday.

And always remembering the continual passionate and breathless feeling I've felt, when I kissed the object of my poems. God, I can still picture the moments!
This feeling is a rarity.

Thought for the week

The thought of the week for me is....

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

Friday Night Fun

Well honoured readers, I had a fantastic Friday night. The night started off in a local pub, meeting some friends and then on to a Party next to a weir.One of my sweet friends gave me a belated birthday consisting of smellies to put in the bath and incense. How wonderful is that?
Anyway, the people who'd set up the party had really gone to town. It was actually in aid of a guys 40th Birthday;I never got to meet him and say Happy Birthday, sadly!
Diverting back to the party set up, there was a DJ playing some great tunes, A massive party gazebo, a roaring fire, candles and fairy lights, disco balls reflecting the warmth of the fire's flames, chill out tent for casualties, substandard toilet set up and all of this next to a rushing weir! Wow, to look at rushing water with the reflection of a full moon shining its beams, was just something else.
I managed to drink the bottle of vodka I took along together with some unhealthier substances. Saying that, I totally enjoyed the way I was feeling this night and had a smile on my face most of the night. My dear friend Liza, had been watching me dancing and we kept smiling and giggling at each other, she then came up to me whilst dancing and uttered these sweet words

"You are so lovely sweetness, I just want to give you a big hug"

What a diamond friend this woman is.

I continued the night of dancing and got chatting to some sweet people around the fire. From my hazy memory, I recall vaguely discussing the moon, astrology and water!
I managed to get embarrassingly muddy; I fell over on at least 6 occasions and fell down a hole on my way to sit on the toilet! This made me really laugh out loud! I was worried though that the toilet was going to sink into the mud and I'd be stuck in the mud, so to speak!

I finally left the party about 5.30am. Walking home seemed to take a bloody lifetime. I went into my kitchen and dreamed about my loved one. I fell asleep, on the kitchen floor of all places, to be woken by daylight peering through my window and the coldness of my body against my kitchen's lino floor. I dreamed again about my loved one being with me. All in vain, I know.

I had such a wonderful night. I love these sort of nights because they put the world into perspective for me; they remind me that life is for living and making the most out of.

If only..............

If only to lie
on lino with you
You'd make me feel warm,
all the way through
If only to hold you
so longingly tight
The world and my heart
would feel happy, bright.
Lino feeels cold
when lacking deep love
If only you'd warm it,
my sensual passionate dove.

God, the heart continues to crave. If only, the universe and you realised how much I LOVE YOU! If only you wanted to be with me forever. If only we could be as one.
I'll now shut the hell up, cos I'm seriously in 'dream mode'.

Full Moon Emotions

Wow! Wow!

What a strange day. I'm still in yearning but listening to William Orbit sorts my head out a bit, although I do tend to fantasise somewhat to his sounds..they're pretty en-trancing. I dream of sharing these sounds with a beloved. If you want some erotic-ish music to share with a loved one, try the Strange Cargo Hinterland album, Some of the tracks are just out of this world, in my dreamy opinion. Especially love 'She Cries your name', 'El Ninjo','Crimes of the future',Name of the wave' and 'Say Anything'. Wow!

Anyway, No wonder I've felt emotional over the last few days and especially today. 100% Full Moon today folks! Ooooo how I love a full moon. I'm off to an outdoor party tonight near a canal which if the eve stays as it's been today, cool and windy, the eve should be a special one. I'm sure all the wind and spiritual feeling you get with the elements will make the night extra special! Can't wait to feel the wind blow through my hair and the water rustle with my soul. Hoping there'll be an open fire too which will melt away at my heart.

Anyway here's my own astrological forecast and an explanation about the 'Harvest Moon'.

This week's Full Moon is the annual event known in the northern half of the world as the Harvest Moon. Its name is derived from the fact that it rises above the horizon faster than usual ... providing farmers with a period of bright moonlight at the end of the day.

This year, the Harvest Moon falls in the passionate and bold sign of Aries -- inspiring us to take action and follow our desires. As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries -- almost like a child -- has a tendency to be self-focused and can miss perceiving the needs of others. Impulsive and spontaneous, Aries' "go for it" attitude comes in handy when pursuing a prized goal ... but in close relationships, there's a risk of accidentally bruising a loved one's feelings.

As this particular big moon fills out the night sky, it's a good time to contemplate your close connections.


Have special weekends out there folks and thanks for all being such beautiful, kind souls to me.

Need to be annonymous

Thought for the week is

'my ever increasing need to become anonymous.'

Visual Gallery

As a way to move forward in life, I like to live out my dreams. I have loads of 'sleeping' dreams and I also have loads of future dreams. I'd love to live out my 'sleeping' dreams however, I think I may be expecting too much here. Although I do belive in fate and destiny. Anyway, without ranting on about those dreams, I've decided to search for images of places that I want to visit in the future and make a sort of, 'future place dream gallery' along my hallway. This entails creating a visual image gallery of where I must see. I may even put a few poems of mine up there too because I do dream about someone I love. Even if this dream never comes true, it'll always be in my heart, one way or another.
So, the places to go in my gallery include the following

Marrakesh - always had a wild desire to see the markets there and consume the gorgeous buildings.
Cuba - Havana - I'd love to go there before Fidel passes away but I fear this is wildly out of sight, unless I make some money..QUICK!
The Lake District - Love the mountains and the lakes together and entirely doable in the near future.
Scotland - Isle of Lewis/Skye - I just have to see where the Wickerman was filmed and also experience Scotland on some level as I've never been there.
Tibet - I've always wanted to be high up near the Himalayas and drink in the gorgeous oranges, reds and yellows of Buddhist monk clothing along with the possibilty of visiting a Monastery.
India - Always had an urge to go to India. I'd love to see the Ganges and take part in some of the Indian festivals.
Naxos - Purely for nostalgic and historical purposes.
Peru - For the music, the ancient civilisations and to ride on the trains.
Southern Ireland - to retrace the path of my ancestors.

More to be added, when I have more time. If you guys out there know of any links for good photos let me know!

That 'life excitement' feeling is returning.

Had a great day today. Feel loads better and ready to really start living life to the full, as much as I can. A great friend of mine treated me to a lovely back massage, for my birthday. Wow! How great it felt and reminded me that I really need to treat myself to this treatment at least once a month. So, I've booked a regular slot for a massage!

Had a wonder round my home town and had a lovely coffee in one of my favourite cafes. Tonight, a friend has invited me and a few others over to hers for a take away curry. Yummmmmm. I have my son also with me tonight, so he'll have fun with a few other kids tonight.

Looking forward to going out tomorrow and next Friday night and feel like having a bit of a spending spree for new clothes..we'll see! Off to see a few gigs and DJs tomorrow night and next Friday, gonna sort of 'live it up' at the awful Cookie Club, just for a bit of a laugh!

Also, I really want to get into regular walking in the Peak District;it's exhilerating, fun, peaceful, beautiful. I feel that this regular scenery and love, really helps my head and heart..and keeps me somewhat grounded.

So, here's to a weekend of fun and happiness.

Think of the weekend girl

As you know, my last blog was a little sad. I've taken your advice people and I'm gonna try and be strong and think about the points you've all discussed. So, this weekend, I'm gonna dress up fancy, gonna get out on the town and have a fun time.

Massage tomorrow by a good friend of mine.

Curry tomorrow night with some mates.

Swimming and bike riding Saturday day and possibly take in the Djanogly Art Gallery in the afternoon.

Drinking and hopefully dancing, Saturday night with a dear friend.

Thanks for all the positive comments.
xx

Please help me..I have heartache

I can't get a person I love out of my head or heart. How do I do this?

I've been 'in love' with this person for 18 months and the yearn is a constant in my heart. The worst thing is, he doesn't seem to want me on a 'lover' level. That makes it hard for me cos I've always wanted him on that level. I keep trying to move on from my feelings for him but I'm finding it harder and harder, at each day that passes; like a magnet continually being pulled and attracted to him. Like my heart is not letting go of the feelings for some reason. Like my soul never wants to forget him. I wish he felt the same. I know feelings can't be forced but when I'm with him, it feels like he has strong feelings. Maybe I've been wrong all along. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just a sad romantic who ought to get real. Maybe I'm just hopelessly in love.

I miss him soo much. I really do.

Thought for the week...........

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.

Great to get away!

As you know, I went off to Edale last weekend to celebrate my 39th with some close friends. Gotta say, it was great; great to be out there in the frsh air and open space of the peaks. God, how I'd soooo love to live there.

Here's the story of my weekend;

1. Set off Saturday with a friend and met some others along the way.
2. Hit the camping barn, unloaded and headed off on a beautiful, scenic walk, part way up an area known as Grindsbrook.
3. Sat down for an alcohol and chill out time on a grassy verge overlooking a stream for 30 mins. Drank red wine and got a little high. Giggled my head off at fuck knows what!!
4. Went to the pub and started to get rather inebriated.
5. Ate food.
6. Headed to the next pub and did the Edale 2 pub, pub crawl.
7. Went back to camping barn. Lit candles as there was NO electricity/lighting.
8. Opened bottle of champagne - well, a cheap alternative!
9. Had lots of laughter and fun.
10. Woke up in the middle of the night to go on a wander, on my own, in the darkness - nerarly shit myself, as two sheep were staring at me as I opened the barn door.
11. Woke up at 8 and woke my mates up by being the most energetyic soul, with a hangover.
12. Ate a big breakfast and went for a big walk up to Hollins Cross near Castleton and then on to Mam Tor -Totally exhilerating and splendid views to die for.
13. Left edale, after the walk and headed to The Castle Hotel for an evening dinner.
14. Returned home about 8pm.

I really needed this break. In fact, I feel that I need to do this sort of thing every other weekend, rather than hanging out in random clubs, getting evermore bored.
The feeling that you get when you're at one with nature, is second to none and reminds you what is really important in life; what life and people really mean to me.

I loved every minute of my stay. My friends were wonderful and fun.

The worst thing was coming back to the grind and the same old scene. I keep looking for jobs out there in Sheffield at colleges and the like, as I do feel that one day, I need to escape Nottingham and be closer to nature and the hills.

So.....I've now booked another 2 nights stay in a hotel in Castleton for a right good bargain of £59, in a double bedded room - all to myself, in October half term week. Can't fookin wait!

Celebrate the 39th year

39 years old now,as from yesterday. I woke up though feeling quite flat. I cried. I took my son to school. I worked. I came home. I went for a drink with a mate. I ate a chinese take away. I went to bed. I cried again.
Never in the life of birthdays have I felt so sad. I felt lonely and heavy hearted. I think I felt this way because my Mum wasn't around to wish me Happy Birthday. I also realise that I've been through alot of changes this year and maybe, I was on some level, reflecting; birthdays seem to do this in some respects.

Anyway, I was sort of glad the day was over and glad to get to bed. On a happier note, I reminded myself that I'm off for the weekend to one of my favourite parts of the world. The Peak District. I've hired a barn out with a load of mates and can't wait to get out into the open space and serenity. Although, in some respects, I want no plans. I've told my friends this as I just want to head out there and follow what my heart tells me to do, when I get there.One of my friends was staring to plan certain things and getting all 'detailed' about stuff. I really don't feel like detail at the moment and told her so. I hope she's not upset with me, but I'm jusrt being honest. I need space right now in many ways, hence my need to get out of the city.
So, although I've felt rather flat and deflated in some bizarre way, I know I'll enjoy being around those who hold me dear. I know we'll get drunk. I know we'll have a great time when we get there. I know we may have the potential to meet some interesting people.
I think I feel flat also, cos I miss my friend. I miss the fact that he doesn't care for me, how I care for him. I miss the fact that I had no birthday wishes from him. I miss the fact that I don't see him anymore. He was in many ways, my inspiration to another world. I know I'm being soft and sad but I do have to go through these emotions of grief and mourning for something that feels, like it's slipping further and further away from my reach.

People Move On

Well, recently some very good friends of mine are moving on to new pastures. One couple are off to Australia and another couple are off to Mauritius. It's sort of odd and sad to think about losing these friends as there's so much history with them. Friend 1 who's off to Australia, I met whilst i was doing an Access Course in 1994. We both headed off to Nottingham Uni together - she studied English literature and I studied Social and Cultural studies and Social Policy. I have fond memories of my friend's partners 30th birthday, one August, in their backgarden. Music, wine, drumming, great atmosphere, newly 'in love' with my then partner; the world seemed like a good place to be alive in. My friend was and still is in some respects a practising pagan. Through my own interest in spirituality and Earth worship, I gained alot of knowledge from her about Paganism and Solitary Paganism. She was also so kind to complete birth charts for my children and I. I love these birth charts as they do actually hold quite a fair bit of truth in them, I've noticed, as time's gone by.

Friend 2 - has been a constant in my life since 1992. I met her through her then boyfriend. They always seemed like the 'everlasting, happy couple'. I've shared so many great times with this couple; camping in Edale,visiting London, getting stoned and wasted together, listened to music, gone to gigs, meals, parties etc etc. They were extremely close to me whilst they were a couple. I supported my friend after the birth of her son and the break up of her relationship, which came as a shock to us all;no-one ever thought he'd end up in the arms of another woman. That made me realise that people on the outside can look so happy to the onlooker, but underneath all of that facade, there often lies secrecy, deceit, anger, unhappiness and resentment. I was truly gutted when my friend and her partner spilt up cos they'd been such 'soulmates' in many ways, to me and my then partner. As time's moved on, so has our relationship as friends. I don't see her that often but when I do, it's always special, fun, sweet, happy.

I therefore look forward to a week on Friday, as my friends and I are all meeting and going out for a 'farewell curry'. It'll be strange for me cos my ex partner will be missing from the 'once part of' equation but it'll be lovely to share and possibly cry about the special times, changes, upset etc, in our lives.

I also hope now, to visit Mauritius next year. I have an invite and just need to save my dosh to get out there, as accommodation is free!

So, I do hope the best for my friends, and I write this with a bit of a lump in my throat and a heart that feels a little weighted down, by sorrow's heaviness. Ironically, listening to Jen en connais pas by Jeff Buckley, is really giving me that feel of nostalgia too.

Miserable rant over!

Today I am released. Not from prison as such, but released in my mind. I'm now gonna get out there and start having some proper fun that I do so deserve.
Sick of being messed about and worrying about what others think about my defective personality. I know I shine like the sun, I'm as warm as the sun, I'm as bright as the sun, I give energy to others like the sun, I radiate a light around me, like the sun. I'm not deluded. I'm just a good person, with a hellofa lot of love to give.
So time to really let it all out and let the miserable rants be a thing of the past.

Off to an old colleagues 'mental leaving party' tonight. I say mental, because I know it will be. All the people that will be there, work in the homeless sector in hostels and they do tend to let it go big style; that sort high 'burn out' work entails it. Afterwards, off to see a gig I reckon and some dancing. So glad rags are

So, here's to a damned fine Friday night out and let's wait and see what Saturday brings.

Have fun out there!

Lost Love

God I feel absolutely shit.Terrible.Depressed.Pissed Off.Full of sorrow. Alone. Aching.Tired. Empty.

Don't ask why. I really don't want to splurt out the detail. I'm just so sad.

Check out this link to a good Nottingham band - especially the track 'Visceral Surgery' - Wonderful tune, that's keeping me maintaining right now.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=33890120

Sorry about a sad rant.

I wish I had a crystal ball

Well, tonight, quite by accident, I listened to a song that was played at my Mum's funeral - Time To Say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.Oh dear me, how it made me cry so much to hear this tune again. My Mum really loved this song and that's why it was chosen in her honour..and indeed the title is rather appropriate to someone's passing.
I can't believe that in a few months time, it'll be a year since my Mum's passing.I can't believe how much my life has also changed in that time too;losing my Mum, going through a break up without my Mum to support me - my Mum was someone I always confided in especially about relationship problems.
I do feel though her strength sort of lives in me though. After my Mum's death, I realised how important it was for me to find 'true' happiness, because life is so precious and can be cut short without any forewarning. I realised that I had to get out there and start to live or indeed, realise my dreams, however much this may distress me at the time. I knew I'd feel better by being true to myself about my emotions and my heart.
So, in some ways, I wish I had a crystal ball now to gain some sort of insight about where my life's going to go....

Man? Read with caution

Since my ex moved out, I'm really starting to enjoy being in the house at night time. I have space, I have freedom from the TV not being on all the time, I have no arguements to piss me off, I have no angry frown and resentment on my mind.My friends are coming over, I want to decorate, I feel more energy to want to do things, I feel calmer in so many ways and so look forward to what the future will bring.
HOWEVER..Before I get all happy and carefree, I was PISSED OFF soo much, with my ex on Satuday night.
He'd come to look after our son and I said he could stay at mine if he wanted to, as I was probably going to be late home. Anyway, he decided to watch some footie, got loads of beer in and basically, got absolutely hammered. AND I MEAN HAMMERED! Hammered in the sense that he became a fucking abusive cunt to me, when I got home.Not in the physical sense but in the mental sense; calling me names, slagging me off for various stuff he feel hard done by and basically, being a complete, self-pitying tosser! God, how I loved reminding of him of how much he'd let me down in life and how honest I've always been with him and yet I'm stuill subjected to shit from him. I REALLY DON'T NEED IT!!
I was so upset cos I'd sort of had a nice night out and was ready for my bed and peace and quiet.
So, I'm fucked if I'm gonna be treated like shit. I deserve a damned site better treatment.
Grrrwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww sorry about the 'man rant' ..I've calmed down now.

God I really want to cry my eyes out today

Well, they say bad luck comes in 3s..it certainly has done for me over these last few days.

1. I lost my mobile phone whilst I was out on Saturday night. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't give a shit about losing it but this one had some messages from my now deceased Mum and a few, from the person I hold dear. I'd purposely saved these messages as they meant something to me - being such a sucky twat and all.

2. Last night I was listening to one of my favourite CDs, fairly loud and then SILENCE! The amplifier had stopped working and no sound was to be heard through the speakers. So, I checked plug fuse, sockets, etc,etc. It seems that this amp is destined to be dead. I'm sad too about this, cos I bought it from a good friend in 1994 who was then going to live in Colombia to try and rekindle the relationship with her mother;who she hadn't seen since she was 7 years old.

3.I wake up this morning, ready and fresh for work. Since my split with my ex, he's been looking after our son during the holidays. He was supposed to be here at 9am to look after my 7 year old son. I rang him at 8.30 to ensure he was up. No answer. I rang at 8.45 again, No Answer. I rang again obsessively from 9 onwards as I have to leave the house at this point to get to work on time. It's now 9.57 and he's still not here. So, I had to ring work, explain the situation and wait.

So I'm feeling like I really need to cry my eyes out and feel fed up that A. I've lost some dear things to me and B. I'm fed up of waiting around for others who don't get their shit together and act selflessly and think about other people's situations.
Sorry about the rant, but I know I get, at least some cyber- sympathy from you guys.
All I want is someone to hug me and say don't worry and wipe my tears. My beautiful friend did that for me Saturday night whilst outside his flat. He really wanted to take me to the pub where I thought I'd lost my phone...he hugged me tightly and I felt he had a genuine sadness for me..how lovely is that. I need that now...

Booo hooo...off to have a bloody big sob!!

He who is held dear

It's been such a weird time really when I contemplate so many things that have happened. One thing that's been a 'stable' has been the love I've felt for another person. I can't go into too much detail as it's extremely personal to me but this person had a profound effect on me, from day one of meeting him. We spent 4 hours chatting and I felt like I'd known this person for ever. It was so easy to talk and share intimacy with him.I felt that our minds were sort of connected on an ethereal level.
Since then, I've thought about him every day, over a period of 18 months. When I see him now and then, everything feels OK. The world feels a good place, nothing around me matters, I get an ache in my stomach when I kiss him, I'm breathless in his intimate presence, I feel connected like I've never felt before with a person - ever. When I hold him - I feel moulded to him..I can't explain these strong feelings but he also brings out a poetic, creative, ecstatic side in me, which feels wonderful.
I treasure the wonderful times I spend with him and I miss him terribly when I don't see him. I feel this is a person who needs space, time and no pressure. I understand this a great deal, as I also need time and space on some level.
I truly feel I was meant to meet this person for some reason and I really hope that we give to each other a sharing of many happy, loving, fun, free, poetical times in the future.

Hidden Treasure

Hidden treasure are you to me
Feeling that appears
With your face and body.
Thoughts surround my mind,
Happy, eternally free.
Time in your presence,
Life makes so much sense.
Hold your body tightly
Comforts, softly invitingly.
Nothing around me matters
When in the company of you.
The world is gold and shining
Free of misery and all things blue.

The will to write

Well today I've had a very heavy conversation with a student I was teaching. It's content went along the lines of what makes sex offenders do what they do and their future rehabilitation. I can't go into great detail as this would be breaking confidetiality about this person. However, even though this man has done a horrendous crime, I had an interesting and insightful conversation, which in many respects, confirmed what I've always thought.

Anyway, at the moment I'm having a bit of a dry patch with writing. I'm just not getting the enthusiasm and passion for writing at the moment...It will return though as my mood does tend to change throughout the month!

On a positive, I have no plans for the weekend, which is rather nice - was gonna go camping but I doubt it now as the weather's a wee bit hellish for outdoor camping. A good friend has invited me to Manchester Gay Pride, which I must say, I am rather tempted as I know I'd have a wicked time there! 3 days of mentalness partying!!

However, I haven't decided as yet, so we'll see...In some ways, I'd actually just like a quiet night in with a friend or a meal out and then chilling out later, listening to music...we'll see what fate throws at me.

SABOTAGE!!

How dare Hollywood do it? I'm angry about it! The Wicker Man has been remade featuring 'Nicholas Cage'. Give me a break!

I love this film in all it's original, classic cult status. It will never and I repeat never, be as good as the original version. I hope the demned new film is a flop!

Anyway, on a brighter note here's the lyrics to Willow's song from the original Wicker Man soundtrack. This is a song to fall aslepp to with your beloved. So, all of you happy beloved souls out there, get listening and snuggling up. Ahhh


Hey. ooh, who is there?
No one but me my dear.
Please come, say how do
The things I'll give to you
A stroke as gentle as a feather.
I'll catch a rainbow from the sky and tie the ends together.

Hey, ooh, I am here.
Am I not young and fair?
Please come, say how do
The things that I'll show to you

Would you have a wondrous sight?
The midday sun, at midnight

fair maid white and red.
comb you smooth and stroke your head.

Ugh! Sick of hangovers

A summary of last night

*Got stuck on bus on way into Nottingham as there was a bomb scare - yippee :( so, didn't meet my friend in chosen venue, instead ended up in The Old Angel .

*Drank shit loads of double Vodka and coke. Cheap Vodka tastes shit, I tell ya! It's SHITE!!!Don't drink it kids.

*Met a load of punk women and sat with them in the Angel until we decided to depart.

*Ended up (well dragged in fact) to The Social. Hate the piggin place, but had a small dance.

*Got invited to House Party - declined the offer. I'm a good girl.

*Walked towards kebab house and onb the way got molested by a little twat, who will have his bollox chopped off the next time I see him! Fuckin fucker!

*Ordered and ate kebab..ONLY ATE IT COS I WAS PISSED. I should become a vegetarian again.

*Couldn't be arsed to get the night bus home so paid 7£ to get a Taxi.

*Ex boyfriend was looking after my son for me as he had nowhere to take my son last night - had a massive arguement with him when I got home about shit loads of history, shudda gone to the House Party or stayed at my mates!

* Passed out about 3.30pm.

*Woke up this morning feeling like a piece of shit - that'll teach me.

Today though, I'm also feeling HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY! Life's gonna get goooooooooooood..I can feel it in me bones!

Heal through future thinking.

Well, as you know I've had a tough time recently but managing and indeed quite enjoying life alone. OK it's weird getting into a different routine but managing to get into some sort of pattern that suits me.

I'm also a big believer in thinking and pursuing my dreams for the future. I've already been looking into booking flights for myself and kids to visit Copenhagen after Xmas for a week. Found some real cheap deals with SAS airlines which will potentially set me back £276 for 3 flights! Pretty reasonable I reckon. Credit card's gonna take the bashing for that one I reckon.

I've also been thinking about heading off to a festival next weekend. Just a local festival with an OK line up. Indeed I'm in need of some pretty debauched behaviour, which I know I'll find at a mad festival!

So guys, here's looking to the future for this woman and indeed this looking forward definitely acts as a way of healing emotional wounds.

Ashamed

No I didn't really go to see Narnia with anyone - I was trying to make you jealous in all honesty because I missed you and I was so in love with you! :( END OF!

Elvira Madigan

Watched this film again last night cos I was having problems getting to sleep. It's one of my favourite international cinema films.

Elvira Madigan (December 4, 1867 – July 20, 1889) was Danish ropedancer and trick rider, whose illicit affair and dramatic death at the hands of her lover were the subject of a famous Swedish film from 1967.

She was born Hedvig Antoinette Isabella Eleonore Jensen in Flensburg in northern Germany. Her mother was a Norwegian circus performer and her father a Danish stablemaster. Her mother later lived with the American circus manager John Madigan.

While performing in Sweden with her stepfather's circus she met a Swedish cavalry officer, Lieutenant Count Bengt Edvard Sixten Sparre (born September 27, 1854). Sparre and Madigan fell in love, but their love was impossible partly due to the fact that Sparre was married and the father of two children. After exchanging love letters for one year they ran away together to Denmark in June 1889, where they spent about one month. When they ran out of money, they packed a picnic basket, went out to the Nørreskov ("North forest") on the island Tåsinge, Denmark, and had a last meal, after which Sparre shot Madigan and himself with his service revolver. Madigan was 21 years old and Sparre 35 years old. It was 20 July, 1889.

Madigan's and Sparre's grave is situated on the cemetery of Landet on Tåsinge and is still today visited by tourists and lovers from all over the world. Their tragic love story has some resemblance to the Austrian Mayerling drama, where Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria and his lover took their lives in January 1889.

Back in Perspective

Wasn't in a mood for partying last night but it did me the world of good. It was my mates 40th Birthday, held in a small pub in Dunkirk/lenton. At first I felt a little apprehensive, as I was there amongst many people I'd never met before and the people I was expecting to turn up, didn't! So, it forced me to spark up conversations with strangers, which in fact, turned out really good.
Got chatting to an older guy from Australia about the landscape out there and my wish to see 'Uluru' at some point in my life. Interesting fact that I never realised is, that alot of Australia's land mass is desert!!
Also had an interesting conversation with someone who used to study Fine Art at Trent Poly (when it was a polytechnic) Interesting to talk to him about the 80s and how things/attitudes have changed so much regarding women's issues and the increasing 'sexualistion and objectification' of the female. What is worrying is the fact that women were pretty active on a 'feminist' level in the 80s and it seems in some ways, many women today don't really think about sexual objectification'. Really enjoyed this discussion and reminded me why I've always felt so strongly about such issues.
Also spoke about family life and how the 'modern' family is so different from when I was a child. Indeed my own family is far from traditional, as was the guys I was talking to. Indeed we both had kids from different partners and we both agreed that it's difficult to live together with someone on a long term level.
A comment from him, that's stuck in my head, is that he views the changes in family life good and a 'modern' way of being. Indeed as long as kids are loved, a good constructive relationship can be maintained between ex's, and support and understanding are present, then the 'modern' family is one to be proud of and indeed praise. I'm glad I had this conversation with someone who holds these views and has experienced continual change in their own life as a father.It reminded me that everything's OK with me, that my life's moving on to exciting and interesting times.It also reminded me how lucky I am to have such good 'healthy relationships'with both of my ex's and that we can all get along in positive and supportive, civilised ways.
Luckily, the pub served after hours which prevented me from heading off into the city cos I know if I'd have done this, it would've ruined the friendly vibe I felt at the party. Necked back a few too many drinks but I came home feeling pretty happy with more clarity in my head, than before I went out.

And tonight........I'm gonna sit down in silence for a moment and contemplate life. I'm then gonna put on an episode of Six Feet Under to give me that desired 'hit' that I so love. Happy Sunday people! x

A confusing 24 hours

Sometimes in life, it's hard to understand what you've done wrong. Yesterday was one of those days and so is today.
Someone I love deeply, upset me. I don't quite know what I've done to upset this person but obviously they have a deep-seated anger with me as a woman and the way I've lived my life.
I thought they understood about why my life turned out the way it did. I thought deep down they held me dear.
Rather than being nasty, I'm much more of a 'let's talk shall we' person.If someone has a gripe with me, get it all out in the open and talk about it together, in an understanding, cooperative way.
OK...Get the anger out, get the feelings out, get the shit out, but not in a way that causes hurt and upset to anyone.
I hope someday, I can talk a bit more openly to this person and hope at least, there's an element of understanding about my life situations, experiences and choices.

Time to be nurtured and let others give

Well, had a strange old month of it. I now am solely responsible for all the domestic stuff in my household. I'm officially living in a 'single occupancy' household, albeit my 2 kids!
It's been strange in many ways cos me and my ex are really good friends and have so much in common on a political and mindset level. We're both pretty compassionate as people and both caring in our own ways. We both have similar views about the world and environment and when I think of these good points, I shudder to think of how two people can become so distant and caught up with their own lives over time.
It's been sad to finally cut the ties in many ways and we've both had times of sadness and pain together but we both realise that this is the way forward for us as people and indeed should have happened quite some time ago in all honesty, but when finances and childcare are involved, living separately can prove extremely hard.
One things for sure, we're thus far, getting on well and being supportive to one another despite all of the changes that have taken place over the last two months.
So I hold mybreath to wonder what the future holds for me. I accidentally bumped into an old college friend from a few years back on Saturday, who was out on his stag night and his words have stuck in my head since then.

"Never ever settle for second best Sara, for you are a beautiful person who gives so much of yourself all of the time, it's now time for others to give and to nurture you."

I thought about these words on Sunday and I realise how thoughtful and indeed right, my friend is. I thank him for reminding me about these basic human needs.

Infinity?

Had a very emotional week since my return from Wales, but like this wonderful staircase, I hope that things will be looking up. I have a real love of staircases, they're sort of infinite in many ways. These beautiful stone steps are ones that belong to Harlech castle.
Can you imagine the amount of footsteps that have trodden on these steps?
The amount of years these steps have felt the different soles of shoes?
The different types of 'fashion' shoes that have trodden these steps? Heels, boots, sandals, flip flops, wedges, trainers, sneakers, pumps, stilettos.
When I walked these steps I couldn't help thinking about the women who would've walked to their destiny? What were their destinys? Were they happy, sad, depressed, elated,suicidal, in love, downtrodden, abused, slaves, ecstatic, joyous, angry, furious, woeful? and beyond?

It's just amazing how a staircase can get the mind so active!!

Change is here

Had a black bile time of it for quite a while as you know. However, change is now here in many ways I feel. In fact it's so amazing how your life can change from being one way, to suddenly change in another direction, bit like my wind blowing theory of the wind bringing change. Funnily enough the day has been a blessed windy one today which I feel has lifted my mood somehwat tonight.

One big change for me, is that I'm starting to think about my future in a more positive way since tonight! I'm sort of getting excited about what my future holds for me even though I've been in the depths, the heights are resurfacing a little. I envisage that I'm going to experience some good heights in my future.

Another change is going to be with my kids and their life. My eldest son is presently in Sweden (Sverige as called by the Danes), staying with his Dad in a summer house! How lucky is my son? He's also decided to move over to Denmark next year to live with his Dad and experience Danish culture on a daily level. A decision I agreed to only when he'd completed his GCSE's. He'll thank me in the future for this, I'm sure. In many ways I'll be so sad to see him leave his childhood days with me but I also look forward for him for the youth and young adulthood he'll be experiencing in such a beautiful city as Copenhagen (Kobenhavn) Plus, I'll have a good excuse to get my ass over there now on regular occasions!

My youngest son, is going through a tough time in some ways now but luckily, thus far, his Dad and I are amicable and trying to cooperate as much as possible with each other since our respective departure.

So, for me change is sooo at the grip. I'm starting to now think forward which is good for me - I need to focus on the future as I'm forward thinking person normally. I'm gonna start planning my birthday in September soon. I envisage loved friends to be with me and a wild time to be had. I have a faint smile on my face with the thought of this. Here's to my 39th year coming up in a short while!

A word of thanks

I know my blog gets pretty emotional at times but I've been through a hell of a lot recently.
Mum dying, 10 year relationship finally closing, the person I'm 'in love' with having unreciprocal feelings, sustaining and motivating some of the most damaged people in society via my teaching job which really can take its toll, when your own life has been difficult.
I've been extremely wobbly to say the least over the last 6 months, which has been tough. I'm now trying to maintain in the best way I know possible, this has been hard and it often takes on the form of dark thoughts and bad days.
I therefore end up using writing as a medium to express my sadness and emotion, rather than internalising and causing myself too much internal destruction and dis-ease.
Please bear with my outbursts and sorrow as you guys have been like a rock at many times and have really kept me strong! Thank you all for being so kind and caring.I also thank my friends for being so kind, understanding and supportive.

Oh, and the picture? It's one that I love, it sums up a feeling of anticipation, longing and bewilderment for me.

Imagine....

Life sucks today

Life fucking sucks today. That's the mood of me today. Fuck reading my blog cos you'll feel like fucking off and doing something stupid!
'Killing in the name of' has such a wonderful sound to me today! Go for it Rage boys!

Arghhhhhhhhh

Back in the dreary Midlands

Well, there's my son doing a bit of crab fishing whilst on hol which he was amazed by. The reason I also choose this pic to show, is the bloody fab colour of the sea! Can you believe that water can be such a beautiful colour? A colour that really makes your heart melt! Well it did mine!

Had an interesting break and it felt good to be away from the Midlands and out of the city. Of course I now long to be near the beach and the sea, as we all do when we return from a holiday.
On my return home, I spoke to my ex and ended up in a big arguement, which reminded me about how much we need to get away from the shit that often surround us! Nice!

Back to the grind! Anyone know any handsome millionaires who fancy taking on a nutter for the rest of their lives? I jest of course!!

Humans eh? Don't ya just love 'em?

Apprehensive Excitement

Off to stay in a beautiful stone cottage tomorrow in Harlech, Wales. I'm excited but also a wee bit apprehensive, as it's the first time I've been on holiday on my own with my son. I'm going it alone.
It's gonna be weird in some strange way but it's also dead exciting too! Roaming around the village as a free woman and a mother! Scary stuff!

So I plan to take my son to the castle, along the beach, swimming, train journeying, hill walking, eating out and whatever else may take mine and my son's fancy.

People give me strength and wish me luck! This woman's apprehensively excited! Although my thoughts wish my dreams would come true and a loved one, was also with me but there you go.
On a long term level...What will be, will be. One wish is, that I was loved by him I love.

God! today's a struggle

Had a load of dreams about someone I truly love last night and it's left me feeling really sad today. So, I'm having one of them 'bad' days today where everything feels like a struggle. In olden days they used to call these sort of moods 'black bile'..I certainly am a candidate for that today. But I know I need to get a grip.

Moving contemplation

Today I took my son to Birmingham airport for his annual visit to stay with his Dad in Copenhagen Denmark. This entailed a train ride there and then back again.
On the journey back, I had chance to really go 'inside' my head and think about so many things that have happened recently and contemplate these things.
I realised that life does have to move on in some way. I don't like the prospect of this and although I've offered so much of myself in many ways, I realise that for some people, it's just not for them..Simple as - and in no way, should anyone ever feel the need to force something. As a good friend's Mum says

"You can't beat the forces of nature when it comes down to true love"

So, on a practical level, I hope my son has a wonderful time in the land of the Vikings whilst I have a quiet, solitary but wonderful time in the land of the Celts! I look forward to meandering along desolute beaches at sunset and sunrise. I look forward to peace and quiet and a new environment. I look forward to hills all around me and mystical myths and legends.
On my return I hope to be renewed, refreshed and enthusiatic about what lies ahead in life and let the forces of nature, guide me to my destiny.

Understanding

Something has to give
A good life for you to live
Is all that I desire
Red anger becoming tired.
Smile back on your face
Passion to make your heart race.
Out of the depths of hell
No more fear, sadness and yells.
All I can do is comfort
Offer love so true.
Understand the need for solace
When things get rough for you.
Always a wonder to me
Always a friend will be.
Love will never die
No matter how hard I try.

Always there

Always on my mind
Always in my heart
Can't depart so easy
From beloved heart.
Always there
Since we first met
Image of you -
Can't forget.
Touch from you
In my sense.
Smell of you
Feel present.
Never before
Felt so in love
Like a higher source
Taken over, from above.

Hmm ranting poems are returning..it's cathartic!

And all because, the lady's moon is in Pisces

Moon in Pisces -

Me and a mate were discussing the amusement regarding star signs. However, I'm a bit of a believer in the Birth Chart and it's significance. I had my birth chart done years ago by an Astrologer mate and when I consider my moon sign, I think I understand everything now. My moon sign is in Pisces so here I go....

Tenderhearted and sympathetic to an unusual degree, you have an understanding of other people's feelings and needs which borders on being telepathic. You are extremely compassionate and cannot bear to see any fellow creature - be it human or animal - suffer. Because of your kindness and nonjudgmental attitude, people in pain or confusion are drawn to you for help, which you readily give. Sometimes your softheartedness is taken advantage of.

You are a gentle, poetic soul and have a great love and affinity for music. Because many of your feelings are nebulous and vague and you cannot easily verbalize how you experience life, music seems a natural language for you. You are also tremendously romantic.

Selfish Fucker

Had a funny old day at work. I had a new student attend today who declared himself to be the "centre of the universe;he wanted things right-here right-now, everything had to revolve around him..blah, blah, fuckin blah!"

Who the fuck do people think they are to assume they are the centre of the universe?

I felt like saying to him,

"well actually sweetheart let me tell you a thing or two"

1. You're not the centre of the universe - you're a mere flea sucking off the back of what we call Planet Earth.
2. Your existence is as unimportant as mine and anyone elses.You're tiny in the general scheme of planet Earth and it's longevity.
3. Sometimes we have to wait in life and learn the value of patience and understanding.
4. Stop being such an egotistical, childish idiot and grow up.

Luckily, I didn't say these things but they echoed in my mind as he was reeling off his dialogue.

Dear, oh dear me, this person really needs to realise that the world actually owes him no favours whatsoever and the only way in life that he'll be happy, is when he appreciates the goodness around him and understand that, in fact, Planet Earth is doing him a favour by letting him live on the fucker!!

Ray of light

Although I'm feeling less than happy at the moment, I've been sort of touched by some beautiful people in cyberworld. Had some sweet messages and general enquiring as to how I am..How thoughtful of those people to take the time out and be so sweet and caring. My son also walked into my bedroom today and said

"Ahh Mum, you look really nice today"

This touched my heart, the only difference today is I'm wearing a skirt! Maybe he senses I'm in a dark space right now and wanted to bring some light to it for me. I always thought my youngest son has some gift with perception.

So although I went to bed terribly sad and woke up to tears, these few things have encouraged me to get on with today.

Monday's thoughts

Had a chilled weekend at a festival near Lincoln. Danced till 4am and watched the sun rise around the festival fire, whilst being accompanied by musicians playing guitar,sitar and drums.. Fire's make you contemplate so many things, just watching flames takes you on a bit of an en-trancing journey. My journey consisted of what's happened to me in the last few years..quite alot to deal with really when I consider these things.

I returned home today feeling sort of like I'd had a good time but also really sad when I reflected about things that happened last week and also realising that I feel deflated.

At the moment I have no inspiration for poetry writing so I'm sorry about that for those who enjoy reading them. I'll post some when I feel a little more inspired.

Flat

1. How do you deal with the fact that someone you so love, don't love you?
2. Why do I keep getting upset?
3. Am I such an unlovable creature?
4. Emotions were banned today - how long did that last for?
5. Why won't his image go out of my head?
6. Do I need to abandon cyberworld forever?

These are the questions plaguing my mind today.

Monday

Today as you know is Monday.

Today I'm not talking about emotional stuff one bit. I'm saying goodbye to emotion and getting used to flatness.

I had a spaced out weekend and one that suited my headspace so that's all good.

A reminder of last Friday Night

Running to the station holding hands
Now the volcano is flowing red
Something there will change us into sand

Now we'll be forever holding hands
Lava and tephra will form our bed
Now the royal flames of Pompeii bless
All our senses...

Inspired

After my wonderful weekend, I was inspired to buy the Flaming Lips CD. On Friday night, I heard this for the first time and was taken aback by how beautiful and indeed different, the songs are on the CD. The songs take you through a range of emotions on many levels and bring a sense of clarity at times.

There are some truly moving tunes on this CD and some of the quieter, more instrumental tunes take me lovingly back to Fiday night and remembering how warm and special this time was.

Please Remember

I just want a friend to know how important he is to me and I'd miss his mind, heart and soul if he weren't around.

Just a simple thought for today..

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering you own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -every day begin the task anew.

And a poem for my friend
by Emily Dickinson

It's all I have to bring today –
This, and my heart beside –
This, and my heart, and all the fields –
And all the meadows wide –
Be sure you count – should I forget
Some one the sum could tell –
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.

An Offering

Pale blue,
I laid my head.
Pale blue to red, from your desire.
A gift for you,
Golden hair
Delicate, precious, in your care.
Aroma for you,
Love divine
An offering to you, so true of mine.
Scent of you
Remains on me
Comforts my heart, sets me free.
Muscular thighs,
Comfort me.
Moulding my body, Embracing me.

Getaway

In a few weeks time I'm off to Harlech, North Wales with my son. I love this part of North Wales as it's quite desolute in many ways but has an 'upbeat' village, set right on the top of a big hill, with art galleries, mystical castle, restaurants - even a new curry house!, long, empty white sanded beaches with large sand dunes! My, how much fun can there be had in sand dunes!
I'm hoping to head further north if finances permit and possibly go over to Anglesey for a few days.
So, I look forward to my break away but I know there'll be one thing missing from my holiday, which would make it even more perfect; The heart does yearn..but the heart and soul has beautiful memories from the weekend, of sharing good music, wine, feelings and thoughts..:)

Beautiful Weekend.

Had a truly beautiful weekend. Not giving no detail as it's too sacred to the heart but truly beautiful; Time can be so special when spent in the company of one you hold dear; Time that you never want to end.

The hills are calling my heart and soul; I need to be further ignited soon. I await longingly for this time. August the 4th is a fanciable time for a ramble!

Fruit of Summer

Cool Summer's Eve
Windy, blown around leaves.
Curtains slowly undrawn
To your beautiful soul sworn.
Nights of heavenly bliss
Ignited by a kiss.
Deep within your heart
Fire blows me apart.
Eyes endlessly transfixed
Entwined, hungrily mixed.
Beautiful tone of skin
Enticing me to step within.
Devour the fruits of your love
Tranquility, as white, as the dove.

Wild Nights - Wild Nights

Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile – the winds –
To a heart in port –
Done with the compass –
Done with the chart!

Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the sea!
Might I moor – Tonight –
In thee!

July Eve

July,you and wine
Wonderful, deep and fine
sharing with you
Happy and new.
Ecstatic Eve
Never want to leave.
Depth of your soul
Makes me feel whole.

July, you and music
Stirs the emotion.
Heavenly, beautiful desire
Relighting my smouldering fire.
A journey of wondrous pleasure
Delicate, awe inspiring treasure.
Makes me feel alive

My thoughts for today

1. I want to see my friend but I don't think he wants to see me :( I wish he did.

2. My son has decided that he's going to live in Denmark next year which I knew would come at some point in the near future. He's off there for 6 whole weeks in a few weeks time for a holiday with his Dad.

3. I feel like my life is changing on so many levels; it's quite strange but exciting too.

4. I've discovered the joys of credit cards for balance transfers!

5. I may go to a free party tomorrow I may not. I want a better offer :(

6. I like the sun and then the rain, it feels lovely on the skin.

Who was she?

She was a friendly, happy woman. Always willing to give, please, forgive and forget.
As a young woman she was unsure of her own beauty;She never felt she was very pretty. Average yes, but pretty? No!
When she was younger, she never thought of herself as a classical beauty or very attractive. She,like hundreds of other women in western society, compartmentalised and visually dissected her body parts; Face? Too fat, Legs? Too short, Stomach? Too pudgy, Bum? Too big, Nose? Too big and wobsided, Eyes? Too small, Lips? Too thin. She endured this body fascism for a good 20 years of her life.

The men she'd met throughout her life never really appreciated her for her outer beauty. Her inner dialogue regarding herself, went along the lines of ..
"maybe she wasn't really that attractive, maybe she didn't deserve to feel that she was that special in their life, maybe they'd met better people before she came into their world who they cherished on a more visual level, maybe they were happy for second best" Little did she realsie at that time, that she was putting up with second best in many ways.

The men in her life who'd meant something special to her throughout the years, would compliment her on her lovely personality, her beautiful hair and eyes. As soon though as they complimented her on these things, they'd often like to stick the destructive knife in using negative comments about her body, behaviour. Indeed making fun of her on a passive level, when friends and family were present. Sly comments, digs about body shape and size.
Fuckers! These men weren't wholly appreciative of who she felt she really was. They didn't seem to see the 'whole picture' of her inner-self and her inner-dialogue; Her passion for life, her lust for true companionship and love, her love of finding out about new things, her desire to search for new experiences, her excitement about what some would class, as trivialities, her gullible, soft nature.

Gullible. Her friends used to joke with her about that word. Gullible? She used to think about that word and it's connotations quite alot when she was younger.
Gullible? One who is easily taken advantage of.
In many ways she hated to think herself as this. She went more along the lines of
"If a person likes to think of one as gullible and takes advantage, then they have to take responsibilty for their behaviour and actions"
She wasn't gullible! No she was just kind, caring, compassionate, loving and wanted to see no harm done to anyone. She wanted to be a friend to those she loved and to the new people she encountered in her life.

Only now, she's a tougher woman with a soft core. She loves her body (most of the time) Her inner dialogue tells her that she really does deserve to be cherished like nothing before, loved as passionately as her fantasy has always wanted, desired as a goddess would have been desired in mythical stories, seen for who she really is and not as others think she is.
These recent thoughts about herself, are a rare gift from one who makes her feel like she is truly loved when she encounters his prescence.

Today I'm a Hypochondriac

Today I've been on yet another course. I've been stuck in a room with no windows and fake air conditioning. I HATE AIR CONDITIONIONG. IT MAKES ME FEEL ILL.

So although in spirit, I feel rather well and bouyant, in body, I've had some weird ailments since Monday. Sickness, Pains in my lung area, feeling nauseous. I'm putting it down to being stuck in the same training room, around 38 people all sharing the same unclean air and germs. YUK!!!

Air conditioning stinks!

Missing

I miss you,
Like I miss
The falling snow at yuletime.
Fresh, white, dullness out of sight.
The sunshine on a midsummer's day
Warm, sensual energy, radiating light.
The warmth of an open fire
Desirable flames burning fiercly away.
The white frost on a cold winter's day
Icicles slowly melting away.
The burnt out leaves in autumn
Fate decides where they will stay.
The buds rearing their heads in Spring
Freshness, bright bouncing into sight
I miss spring, summer, autumn, winter
Without you.

Monday Inspiration

I've been on a really good training session today. It was supposed to be about drug awareness but sort of ended up about one mans battle with addiction. This in many ways, was far better than any drugs awareness training I've attended in the past and I've attended a fair few over the past few years; safe injecting (not that I inject), drugs and withdrawal, toxicology etc etc, addiction issues etc etc.

In all the years of being around the opposite sex either on a relationship level, professional level, friendship level, I've never heard a man be so humbly open, honest and brutal about his own feelings, inadequacies, downfalls and failures albeit with positivity, hope, love and understanding.

Here in front of us all, stood a man that left home at 14 years old due to the aggressiveness and brutality of his drunken father.
Here was a man, who left Ireland for London and ended up living on the streets for over 12 years as both an alcoholic and drug addict.
Here was a man who so eloquently talked about the unconditional love his wife had for him, even though he felt unworthy of her love due to his low self -esteem, unconfidence and inner hate.
Here was a man who declared his past white lies and numerous people that had fucked with his head along the way.
Here was a man who preached about the importance of maintaining the virtues of compassion,love, hope and giving of ourselves in a non judgemental way.
Here was a man who, despite all the shit, managed to find the strength from within and with the help of friends and family, turned his life around.
Here was a man who now manages 2 homeless hostels sucessfully, has a caring relationship and shed loads of love and warmth to give to others.

His story was truly inspirational, sad but happy, negative but positive and reminded me that even when we're at the lowest of the low in our hearts and minds, with strength, admitting our faults but not dwelling on them, receiving love from others, we can always find a way out of the darkness.
His final comments about love and the decisions/actions we make in life were really touching and thought provoking.

On love -
"Unconditional love is as necessary as the air we breathe."

On our behaviours and actions -

"If you always do what you've done, you'll get what you've always got"

I dedicate this writing in his honour and I'm so grateful to have experienced his thoughts.

Sunday's Poem

Contemplation about someone I love and miss so much, has led me to this beautiful poem.

The Giver of Stars by Amy Lowell

Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten.


Beautiful writing, the words feel just so right!