Surreal

I've been reading a book called Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain recently, this was a birthday present from a very good friend. Anyway, I've read the first few chapters and the one that really interested me was the chapter about intuition and instinct; following what you feel is right deep down in your being, if you don't she argues, this can cause personal and emotional chaos.. I wholeheartedly believe this.

Anyway, book aside, I was talking a good friend about this last night and about quite spiritual things, she agreed with a lot of what I felt..Anyway, to cut a long story short, we ate some food and then had a few glasses of wine and a smoke.
My friend, bless her, fell asleep on the sofa, whilst I listened to some old CDs. My mind wandered off into a dreamlike state, which started to feel a little like a journey, which then led me to feel like there was a white light above and in front of me..I then felt as though I was being hugged really tightly by my Mum for a long time, which made me feel extremely happy but also led me to shed some tears..I was then led to think about the person I love for a long time. This experience was an extremely out of body type but in body experience I've had for quite some time! I felt warm, comforted, loved and happy all in one go. I wonder how much people are with you cosmically and spiritually? For sure, this was a surreal but welcome experience. Wow!!!!

The last flower of Summer

He walks in the room
To my surprise
Yet I did wonder -
Would he?
Will he?
Dare he?
And did he indeed.
An offering
Of kindness,
Wise words,
Missing me,
Reflection
And the goodness,
That had become
Of spending time apart.
Alone in our thoughts -
Contemplate actions,
Words, feelings
Hurts, sadness.
And now?
Autumn once again
Returns.
Past thoughts buried,
Like the last flower of summer,
Shying away to rot
Into the dark soil.
Gone and forgotten.
Yet autumn has reborn
A love that always exists
Remains
In place.
Intact,
Everlasting, everpresent
Evergreen..stronger.
I can't pretend to hide
These feelings
I won't deny, or try to find
Replacement.
For to do this
Is a lie.
Even it means to be alone,
And time passes me by,
Maybe our time will come,
Always believe it will,
Deep in my heart.

Blessed

Weekend nearly over, one of the best birthday weekends ever, really special. I received some nice presents; 2 books, candle with beautiful holder, jewellery, ticket to see Jello Biafra, massage, chocolate, CD and on a more simpler, cosmic level, the love of all of my friends. What a gift and an honour.

I'm blessed that the beloved came to the bar on Friday, I guess it took him a lot of courage to face me after our fall out. I feel proud that he made the effort and bygones can hopefully now be bygones.
When I spoke to him, it was as though we'd never had a fall out, like we'd always been friends, easy, sweet, happy, contemplative, fun. To be in company with him is easy for me, natural, warm, whole. It just goes to show that forgiveness, kindness and love really do matter on the larger scheme of things..and indeed, an ability to realise one's faults/mistakes and act accordingly - honourable and respectful actions.

Today, I've been feeling content and contemplative. I had a good night last night apart from looking after my extremely drunk brother, who I had to take home in a taxi and ensure he reached his destination safely - he was in no fit state to make it home alone - deary me, brothers eh?

I feel my world has turned and my energy is back at its positive place in the world, which is all good. There's a slight breeze blowing through my window as I type, with a colder edge to the air; The sky being grey but beautifully so... a lovely day.

Time to get cosy tonight, sleep early and dream sweet dreams...

What a Wonderful Life..

Well, I hit 40 years old on Thursday..a milestone and a weird one in anyone's books. Anyway, at first I woke up feeling pissed off cos my kids hadn't even thought to think about my birthday. I spent the day feeling fed up and sad. Later that day, my ex came to babysit whilst I went out for a local drink with a couple of mates.
The drink was nice and chilled but didn't feel like my birthday really. Anyway, Friday came and this was just the complete opposite - bearing in mind I'm having a weekend of festivities! I woke up and went for a long swim, I then went for a birthday massage from my friend, who's a trained masseur who knows just how I like to be touched. This was her present to me, what a wonderful pressie. After this, the day just got better. I met friends later on at alate bar with real good DJs and tunes that I love. The beloved turned up, I wondered whether he might but I didn't want to expect it because we'd had a fall out some time ago.
It meant a lot to me that he turned up. We chatted and ironed out issues from our fall out - a sabbatical as he told my friend, this made me laugh. We had a good time talking and dancing and I was sad when he left..It added glitter to my night to see him and forget the bad words and past. It made my birthday in fact, alongside all of my wonderful mates being present andf their love radiating at me..how wonderful is this? I also had a special birthday cake made for me as a gift, which was truly lovely and a special gesture indeed.

Afterwards, some of us headed to a small gathering at a friend's house whereby the atmosphere was one of warmth, friendliness, acceptance, philosophical conversation, grounded lovely people. I left at 5.30am feeling happy, rather off my box but very content with my world.

Tonight, I'm off for a curry in a posher curry restaurant with 15 others. More of a formal affair but will no doubt end very informal cos all of my friends are prone to this!!!

I feel that life is wonderful right now, I'm glad my beloved made the trip out and we buried the past(I hope). I still have so much love in my heart for him, just to see his face andf feel his presence has always been enormous to me.

So guys, 40, knackered in the toxic sense of too much substances but wonderfully happy.

Living in the Light

So my dear friend Helen, has bought me a new book tonight online. Bless her. Living in the Light is a new ageish sort of book, which she feels, will benefit me on some level. I await to read this with some anticipation. It apparently talks about mapping out your future life and envisaging what you would like your future life to look like in the close future. Interesting stuff.
I still have the book that I loaned from the beloved. I started to read it but somehow, I haven't been able to concentrate and focus too well on fiction right now apart from poetry and random reviews in the Guardian Review at the weekend.
I must return this book to him soon. It's not fair that I've held on to it for such a long time..he said to keep it but I know he loves this book and thus I feel it should be returned..I guess letting me keep it is also a gesture of his kindness and love that he does have but still, I feel it should be with its loving owner..

One day soon, a return will happen, I'm sure. How this occurs I don't yet know. Time will be the teller of this outcome...

Sara's Snapshot News

Northern Rock Bank in difficulties? Is there some wider worry ahead with other banks I ask you? Is Capitalism finally losing it's stability in the west as we know it? Bring on the revolution is what I say.

The Sex Pistols are to play their first gig in years with Glen Matlock joining them.

The ensuing attack on Iran seems closer - I will weep if this place is invaded.

Richard Branson has sold all of his Virgin Megastores to which they are gonna be renamed Zavva, or summat like that. Interesting, I guess this is Branson using his business head and sense again.

Helen Mirren won an award at the weekend, I forget the name cos I sped read the article. My, she wears a stunning 60+ years!

Children are getting lazier and less academic with more behavioural difficulties. Surprised? Not in the least! Get ya kids on their bikes, get out of ya cars lazy parents and stop force feeding them TV and PC games, says she, whose kids love PC and Nintendo games. But I might add, they do ride bikes and don't zooom around in gas guzzlers. How angelic am I ?

Adjusting

Adjusting to something new is strange, rearrange the patterns that have taken over your mind. Repatterning the mind and thoughts can be troublesome it's true, but I guess the thing to do is to have faith, to enjoy, to love, to feel thanks, to appreciate, to believe, to enjoy, to relax in the moment and enjoy the time, the sweetness.
New friendships remind you about who you are, what you're about, especially when you've been hurting deep down, inside the pit of your stomach and soul. But then trust kicks in and wondering whether to?
So, I take a calm refrain and breathe slowly, remind myself, who I am. Why I'm loved.
The words of my sweet friend, who's always been a sturdy crutch for me in times of distress, so touching and frank, so reassuring and thoughtful - For these are the times, that make our lives feel worthy, alive and able to fuck the strife.
To those who care and love, thanks be with you and you make my world a good place to be alive in.

Oh what a night!

Wonderful weekend, wonderful night last night, wonderful! Seems like life's turning around and making it feel like it maybe does begin (as the crap cliche says) at 40! 4 more days and counting to the Big Day. Dear me, don't think I've ever felt this weirded out about a birthday in my whole life! It's making me laugh and solemn at the same time.
As my funny 'gangsta soundin mate from the Ghetto' said the other night during our long phone conversation

'You're no spring chicken anymore'

Cheeky bastard of a man! LOL

The Power of Opera

I've always been a big music fan and this means most music. I don't like to pigeonhole myself re.a certain type or genre. To me, pigeonholing oneself, is narrowing your mind instead of expanding the mind. As a 3 year old T rex was my love and glam rock. My Mum especially loved music aswell, maybe this was because she grew up in a musical family; my Grandmother played the piano and would go and play in pubs late at night, whilst her children slept peacefully. It's a shame that our generation aren't so dependent on making their own music due to all of the other stimulants that surround us such as TV, PC games, CDs. I'm not saying these are all bad but I guess I like the thought of olden day families singing or indeed listening to a family member playing an instrument and having a good, old, sing song.
Anyway, my love of classical music started when i was in infant school. As we all walked into the old school hall, with its wooden, polished floorboards and beeswax smell, there would always be a classical music track being played on the old type tape recorder - way back then, this used to really move me, as it does today.
Fast forward my time as an Au pair in Denmark, I got heavily into Vivaldi and The Four Seasons. The music fitted so well to how I felt when I was there; extremely happy, carefree and had met some lovely, beautiful people who meant a lot to me and still do to this very day.
Fast forward even further to the death of my Mum and the choice of music for her funeral - Sarah Brightman and Andre Bocelli. Beautiul music.
Besides all of this, I've always been intrigud by the life of Maria Callas;her affair with Onassis and the depth of sorrow and hardship she endured due to her powerful love that wasn't being fed how she wanted it to be.
So, as I listen to opera singers and their music, they literally move my emotions so much, that I cry tears of reflection,sadness, happiness, contemplation, loss, love, missing loved ones and all of the things that music has the power to do to the emotions.
Long live Music!

Sensing

The mind's eye
Makes him visible to me,
And enables me to hear him,
Deep in the depth of my soul,
My longing kindly feels him
Through clear imagination,
A slideshow of wild creation;
White, black, soft, blur,
Sound, dusk, dawn, heat.
My dream leads me,
To the maze of my desire,
And lets me rest there
In a heaven, free from hell.

Queezy

Recently I'm having bouts of feeling nauseous and queezy. I don't know why but I'm waking up feeling this and throughout the day I get this. (And no I'm not pregnant LOL, I lead a sex free life right now!)

Anyone else having bouts like this?Not the sex free-life bit but the nauseous bit ;-)

I wonder whether this is caused through using the PC at work too much? I wonder if it's cos my office space is so bad to work in?

Hmm early night and swim for me tomorrow.. AND a quiet weekend of reading I think apart from my friend's civilised 40th family birthday. Actually, I'm looking forward to a quiet time this weekend.

Now I'm missing my friend.

OK, so it's been a few weeks since I had a big fall out with the person I still love (yawn fucking yawn) but, as I keep saying, you can't hide your feelings, if they're there, they're just there! Anyway, today I texted mates about my actual birthday night soon to come up whereby I suggested a film and a meal and you know what? None of them have texted back which makes me feel bloody fed up!

I know what I'd like to do, I know truly what I'd like to do around my birthday but I ain't suggesting it to anyone and if he still has 'feelings' or owt about me, then HE can contact me and be a true friend to me and invite me over for wine and cook me a meal and show me that he does really care and that we both forgive each other and move on from all of the crap and be kind and sweet to each other. (even though we've had a big fall out recently, we have been friends again in the past) Oh dear, all of these quandries!
God it's weird, why is it that a random person in the whole of the bloody fuckin universe is still there floating around in my little cosmos? Hmmmm...I guess that's energy, life, love, feelings, thoughts, attachments, forgiveness, kindness, blah,blah blah!

Deleting Rage

In my rage,
I turn the page
I delete
My creative feats -
Of love.
My pourings,
My passions,
My love,
My depth -
Deleted.
Deleting doesn't delete -
Love,
Passion,
Depth.
It erases words.
But thoughts remain there
A window into the soul
They stare.
Settled in their comfort zone,
Refusing to leave,
Too much of a heave.
Emotion and love
Can never be deleted.
Locked away?
Maybe.
Resurface?
Always.
Deleting in a rage,
Feels divine,
Unleashing the anger
Sadness,
Freedom
From the cage
Of wire.
Immediate reaction,
Heady satisfaction,
Flowing to empty
Sadness.
Stupid reaction,
Unsatisfaction,
Ridiculous distraction.
Create, delete
Destroy,
The self essentially,
By proaction.
Creative words,
Release me,
Let me be
Creative again.
Free of deleting
Calm in rage.
Re - turn the page...

Festival Weekend

Well, tomorrow I'm off to a festival, Offthetracks. The last one was great fun and good to be out in the outdoors for a long weekend. The friend I'm going with is also great fun and we get along splendidly!
I miss the person I still love but I'm trying to be sensible and not get all wrapped up about this like I have done in the past. It's a shame that our friendship has come to a weird point right now but I guess things just got a bit too heated for both him and me. Plus, I know there was other stuff going on in his life that was wreaking havoc with his emotions at the time him and I came to a head. I just wish he'd spoken to me about things a little more so I may've understood better what was what. When I think about some of the things re me and him, I feel terribly sad and fed up that things went so awry but I'm also a believer in letting things pass and calm down a little. We've had fall outs before but we've always managed to get back on track. I know I've been at fault too in some ways and my wrath has been scorching but I do feel I've also been extremely kind, loving caring and my love has been unconditional. Sometimes I feel he just got scared; our ages, different lives, different confidences - you know that sort of thing, yet the feelings when I'm around him have always been extremely strong and unusually different from anyhting I've felt before..
I'll always hold him dear to my heart..even though things have been up and down with us, I still care and I still have much love for him. I guess time, understanding, forgiveness, patience and love will be the healer of the fractured friendship.
I've had so many lovely times with him in the past but then again, maybe the loveliness was all in my head more than in his head, who knows. My instinct always felt guided and right and deep down I know what I feel to be true.
Anyway, I hope he's doing OK and the next time our paths may cross, I hope the dust and fire has settled a little more.

Rest in fluffiness and Peace Mathilda

Tonight, the 6 1/2 year old family guinea pig died - 29th August 2007 on the night of a beautiful full moon and clear starry night.
Mathilda a cavy breed guinea pig, who was named after the robot 'Mathilda' from Robot Wars, was bought as a birthday present for my son Anton, when he fell 10 years old. He loved her so much back then and like most pets, ended up that me or my partner at the time, looking after her - feeding her, cleaning her etc. My Dad made her a cage which was well and truly crafted lovingly and a pretty good design for guinea pig housing, with a little top box area where she could sleep. I guess this could be classed as 5 star Architecture in guinea pig world.
Mathilda got quite fat though and could hardly get through the top box hole at one time, which did give me a few giggles at times..
The weird thing is, Mathilda would squeek when she heard either me or my ex come into the garden, even though she couldn't see us, her senses picked this up. She loved my ex Paul, she loved me hugging her, she loved being let loose on the grass to graze, she didn't love my youngest son Jake too much cos he used to be a bit rough with her and so each time he went to stroke her, she'd attack him in true Robot War stylee! This made me giggle a bit too - I guess for Jake the lesson was to be kind to animals and treat them gently.
I guess on some level, I also think it's weird that Mathilda hung on until today to pass..My eldest son Anton, has been in Denmark for 6 weeks and he returned back yesterday. This means that he got to see her before she died..I wonder how much animals sense a person? It feels as though she was waiting until he arrived home to die, even though she's been slowly dying for the past week or so and I've been nursing her.
Death and passings, all a part of life and the cycles of life. I thought about my Mum, I wept a little and I feel sad that Mathilda, who has shared part of our lives for 6+ years has now departed this plane.
May she rest in fluffiness and peace...

..sion

Grief?
The process of realisation,
Walls opening - saturation,
Flowing freely, softly
painfully.
Hurting the chest,
Heart, soul, throat.
Surrounded by a murky moat
Of sorrow -
No tomorrow.
Dreams?
The process of imagination,
Mind conscious - awakening,
Drifting, replaying, hoping,
Unrealistic.
Hurting the mind,
Psyche, third eye,
Blind.
Surrounded by the clouds,
Of fog,
No clarity,
Pure illusion.
Clear delusion.

The Feather

All alone in this thing
Called the 'world',
Like a loose feather -
Floating back and forth.
Through the air and sky -
beautifully curled;
Gesture of protection -
Fear of hurt, insecurity.
Soft on the outer;
Tender to touch.
Hard through the centre;
Fear of trust -
Unworthy crutch.
So the feather wonders
Lonely and enclosed,
Only desires to rest,
In a warm place called 'home'.
Until home is found,
The feather will wander -
Always curled -
Seeking to find,
The meaning of the world.
Home will feel real,
When the feather,
Slowly drops.
and rests in peace
Free of loneliness.

Did I really know him?

To think I knew him
Was a fallacy?
Words enlightened me
About who he really was,
What he was about
Who he really loved.
And yet the energy
Felt real, unforced,
Cosmic.
Golden, bright, full
Of insight.
I don't want
dishonesty,
Anger,
Wrath,
Jealousy,
Bitterness.
I wanted friendship
Of a kind,
That to me felt -
Special, unusual,
ethereal,
Mutual.
I guess I was wrong,
All along.
But deep down I still believe
I was right,
My instinct guided me
Provided me
With the cosmic knowledge
Of truth.
God Strewth!
Why did he let himself down
And me along the way?
Continual detachment
Pushing away.
I guess some hearts
Just aren't evolved
Get scared when they pump
Feel too involved...

To take the piss outta gangsta man

Ok, so my light was turned on a little Saturday and I had a wonderful time. Both people I've been in touch with. Craig is a darling and I know we'll be out at some point for film viewing and whatever else..
The other guy, who I won't name cos I feel he has a tad dodgy past due to a few things he's told me, really makes me laugh - he talks a bit like a 'gangsta rap' man - he's always saying 'check you out eh?' which I actually quite like, I've asked him wheter he's a gangsta, to which he laughed greatly. I guess he isn't but just likes the lingo! He's a big fan of Blueprint, favourite club of mine but he's sorting himself out right now due to past stuff and wanting to get his life in order.
He reminded me last night, when I returned his call, that he kissed me on the cheek when he left the club - this I don't remember!
I've found out that he likes cycling and walking and returns to uni in October. He seems very understanding and completely unjudgmental about my life situation - 2 kids with different fathers and commented that 'it's the way of the world now'..what a sweetie!
I actually want to see this guy again, I don't know why but I do..the light being switched on for one thing and the sense of respect I feel from him, for another reason. I guess I've been feeling quite timid and undermined recently, which affects confidence etc but I feel like I'm becoming again who I used to be and what I deserve to be treated like.
One thing's for sure, it's been good to have two seemingly sweet guys walk into my life on whatver level, it doesn't matter, it's just nice to chat, text and feel like there's no issues about anything...

Light turned on

It's amazing, I should've domne this a long time ago, what? I here you ask? Well, cutting the negativity out of your life and filling it with positivity. This act of sensibleness worked wonders for me last night. I must've been radiant, shiny, sparkling! Friends and I got talking to many people, a lovely soldier who was fighting in Iraq, our opinions were on the extremes of different but I felt complete humbleness in some respects because at the end of the day, this man has seen much suffering and death. He certainly gave me a wake up call about taking shit from people and about people who are stuck in negative, destructive timezones.
Later on, we hit a reggae night where I for some reason, smiled at a guy outside, for whatever reason and he smiled back. The next thing, we were discussing stuff, of which I've sort of forgotten (booze guilty) but he asked for my number..I thought no more of this really. What was interesting about him was the fact that a light turned on when he smiled at me.
Anyway, I also got talking to a lovely guy called Craig, who works with homelessness but also DJs..he made me laugh and his Glaswegian accent was endearing to say the least, we walked together to our own journeys home.
Anyway, after a great night, I received a call today from the guy I chatted to first. He made me really laugh anbd seemingly likes similar music and clubs etc! And he's a good old 32 years old. So, my sparks must've been flyinga round last night and in fact, I.m glad to have made two new aquaintances, who no.1, I feel, will be a regular friend, who possibly, will be seeing again fairly soon! Life's good people, real good!

Intricacies of the female anatomy - In memoriam of the man I shared a life with for 11 years.

He knew all about the female anatomy,
Erogenous zones
Where to touch,
Not too much.
He'd took the time to learn,
Part of his yearn,
For the love of me -
Loved my female intricacy.
Even though we failed miserably.
I remember when he'd stroke slowly,
My back.
A trail of fire followed his touch,
A flowing lava track.
Tingling of magical sense,
Teasing me slowly
What a gent!
Why did we fail?
Familiarity I guess.
Boredom at best,
Domesticity unblessed.
Forgetting our needs,
Closing off to our feeds.
Other stimuli = more exciting,
When really, looking back
We should've been inviting
Each other some fun.
But truthfully, sadly,
We just grew apart,
The ivy got poisoned,
Branches wandered separately.
Untogether, alone.
But he did teach me something,
To remember to only accept,
Female intricacy to be loved
Mindful of touch,
Not just a fuck,
Or a shag in the dark,
But a lasting journey,
Of pleasurable lark.
Mutual respect and giving
It's true,
To offer these things
Only win through..

Death of a Legend

As you may be aware, Ingmar Bergman died a few weeks back, which saddened me greatly cos I've always loved the depth and profoundness of his films. I watched the documentary on BBC2 about him last night and really enjoyed it, followed by the 3/4 of Saraband. Sadly, I was too tired to stay up and watch the last part - a dvd will suffice at a later date. Saraband really did strike me, when henrik declared the sort of love he and Anna shared. I can relate to what Bergman was portraying through these two people, who were so connected by their understanding and their love for one another. I really must watch more Bergman films again and remind myself about how much a genius this man is.
Apart from this joy, I've had quite a few tough days..I'm trying to understand so many things which I really won't go into detail about..I'm trying to fathom the whys and wherefors.. and I do understand so many things but I didn't realise some things aswell. I didn't realise my beloved still was so much in love with his ex..I guess I thought it was all old news and done and dusted - apparently not, so it seems. Oh dear me, all of my energy of writing and emotions, have they been a complete waste? All of my understanding and kindness, has this been a waste? I really hope not because 2 1/2 years is a long time out of life to give so much deep friendship to have it thrown away. I don't usually give up on friends and when I'm in love, I never give up..
I guess I'm feeling a mix of emotions right now, sadness, worry, confusion, understanding, hope, despair, love.. I heard a radio 4 discussion the other day and it said that

'Love is eternal, it really is and can bring light when darkness prevails'

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment I truly do...even though love can have the capacity to stir the most animal like emotions aswell in people, it also has the ability to aid healing...

I may go and watch another Bergman film now...

Soothed by Nick Drake

I've needed to hear Nick Drake's Horn instrumental and these lyrics today and have found some comfort from them...

Which Will...

Which will you go for
Which will you love
Which will you choose from
From the stars above
Which will you answer
Which will you call
Which will you take for
For your one and all
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.

Which do you dance for
Which makes you shine
Which will you choose now
If you won't choose mine
Which will you hope for
Which can it be
Which will you take now
If you won't take me
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.


Things Behind the Sun

Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But not too wise
For down below they never grow
They're always tired and charms are hired
From out of their eyes
Never surprise.

Take your time and you'll be fine
And say a prayer for people there
Who live on the floor
And if you see what's meant to be
Don't name the day or try to say
It happened before.

Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.

Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today.
And open wide the hymns you hide
You find reknown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you'll say
About the farmers and the fun
And the things behind the sun
And the people round your head
Who say everything's been said
And the movement in your brain
Sends you out into the rain.

Skint

God, I'm depressingly skint! I guess this is due to my holiday spending. I keep on thinking about buying a book I want to read 'Femme Fatale' but can't quite justify spending the money on this item right now..it'll have to wait. Back to work for me tomorrow. I don't want to go back and I love being free at home. I know I'll be fine once I do go back but the thought right now irritates me.

I had my first outdoor fire of 2007, very late last night. I'm a dab hand at getting a fire going! It was wonderful to sit and drink wine, listen to music, get candles and lanterns shining brightly and watch the stars whilst accompanied by woodsmoke and firelight..really special. I guess this is what makes life special - not money, TV, material items but the soulfulness of simple elemental being..

Anyway, fire aside, not much happening in the next week really - maybe a quiet one..I guess this is a good thing due to the financial situation right now..Hmm time'll tell really.

Ethereal

My love for him
Is etheral
Transcends time,
Space,
Is always present
lingering
on and on.
Words though -
His new quests,
Women - his fancies-
Unbalance me.
Sadden me,
Cut through my heart
More than he'll ever know.
More than I ever show.
'Move on' he urges,
Yet deep down,
I feel he's lying -
To himself.
Denying
Himself,
his love,
Feelings.
For how can it be?
Our warmth,
Our energy,
Is so strong -
Not wrong.
Feels right
Bright
Alive.
Feels honest
Unforced.
At one
In peace.
For how can it be?
To share his space,
Feels 'home',
Even when left alone -
Feels soft,
Heavenly,
At peace.
Wholesome.

Weary

Tough decisions
are hard to make,
But when
Sadness,
Emptiness,
Love,
Loss,
Play a part,
Protection reborn
Reawake...

Blessed be my son

One more week and I'm back at work. Boo Hoo! I've been enjoying my son though and taking him for early morning swimming lessons, to which he's taken to really well.Today we also went on a bike ride down the river and had lunch at a cafe down there. I feel like we're pertty close at the moment which is a lovely thing. I have a curry meal out tomorrow night with two good friends and then Friday is a visit to my beloved which I look forward to.
I fear my nearly 7 year old guinea pig is on her way out of this world. She's walking all wobbly, has lost weight and seems as though she's gone blind. Poor Mathilda, I love her and she's so cute that I feel all sad when I think she may be passing on from this world..boo hoo. I guess I have to make her as comfortable as possible to ensure she has the softest and comfortable as possible, passing.
I hope when I am ready to pass over that someone is there to make it as comfortable as possible, preferably a loved one holding my hand and showing their love to me, to lighten the journey..

No wonder I feel happy

OK, so I've felt happier for quite a while - no wonder..I'm free from work! All I need now is fun, frolics, love and laughter! Anyway, looked into going camping some time this week and contemplated Hathersage but then uncontemplated it!Mmmm, does have an outdoor lido though..hmm thinking on..Think I need to forget that idea cos I'm good old skint!
I'll also let you into a secret, I have a new alter ego on my fave forum which I just love! She's the extreme, barmy side to me, so pop by and say hi to madam balmpot! LOL! Read madam's stupid army poem at least!

Forceful dreamtime

Again, I've been experiencing some forceful dreams. I woke up Saturday a.m to the shock of aeroplanes crashing into my neighbours house and partly into my kitchen, severe winds taking a hold and my roof of my old house being blown away!All in my dreams of course!
The night before I'd visited the loved one, my emotions were high whilst I was there;both sadness and happiness were visited that night, along with a good mix of some cosmic heat energy occuring in my back whilst I laid with my back to him, whilst watching TV - I felt like his eyes were burning through my back..I know this sounds odd but this was a feeling I encountered! Maybe he was looking intensely at me from behind, this is what it felt like anyway! At times like this eyes in the back of my head would be useful but I guess this is where instinct and intuition are useful to rely upon.
So, the dream? God knows what was going off in my emotional dreamtime but it sure as hell woke me up with a bit of a shock. My friend said that in Gesthalt Therapy, things in dreams are all representative of ourselves..the roof, aeroplanes, house, wind, etc...Hmm I need to think about this one.

Delightful respite a la Jersey

Well, here I am again blogging away and catchimg up with you people. I had a wonderful break in Jersey..a well needed rest and time for reflection, I might well add. It's always a bit odd holidaying alone with a small child and as a single parent but this time was different for me. I met a lovely couple, who had been in the most interesting trouble that I really won't go into detail about but somehow, these people are likened to those with whom I teach in my day job but of whom were the most lovely, genuine and generous people that I've met in a long while, so big credit and love goes out to Michele and John for all the fun times we shared.
I spent many a time alone though, listening to the radio - BBC 4 mainly with some very interesting programmes and discussions, reading the newspaper, thinking about many things and enjoying the peace and quiet of my holiday. My son loved every moment and made many friends which freed me up from full-on parental input to sometime parental input... It was also nice to ne around French, Dutch and German folk who added a good old cosmo feeling to the hol.
I swam every day, my son and I cycled a good part of 10 miles I reckon, which for my 8 year old is pretty good going I'd say.
I contemplated the changes that have occured for me over the past few years and realise that I must be a pretty strong person to have endured and indeed come out of it the other side. I also realised that being alone like this, gave me much needed time to reflect and evaluate so many things..

How things can change with time

The week just got better and better people. I had a great night last night, I'm off somewhere special tonight. I missed myb loved one last night, I chatted to many a person but they never seem to hit the core..my loved one always has and I guess, always will. Strange eh? How you meet one person and their soul, heart and core just meet you, right at your own. Not many people come to you in life where this happens. Almost like you're deeply connected on some higher/cosmic level. Or am I just a bit odd! Anyway I'm away too next week for 8 days, I'll post again before I go though. I feel like things are a changing for me, at long last . I've been so giggly and happy the last few days..I feel like the little girl I used to be who was always full of laughter and smiles.
Happy day lovely people xx

God I despair

I am sick of people being insensitive.
I am sick of loving to no avail.
I am sick of feeling like someone's trying to continually get revenge back on me.
I am sick of thinking about others' so much when they never really think about me.
I am sick of this patheticness of two years of emotional crap.
I am sick of pretending to be 'friends' when I feel more than just 'friends'

The worm is turning people.

Eternal element

This love I feel
Just never leaves.
It hangs over me
Like an everlasting shadow.
Creeping up on me,
Invading my thoughts.
It floats around -
An autumn leaf,
Falling down from the strongest, saddest tree.
To be captured by such love
Is both a pleasure and a pain,
Pleasure when expressed
Painful when supressed.
Eyes well and flow,
Unleash the sorrow
Of his absence - his presence.
Even though I know
I'll see him agin,
The internal flooding of loss
Starts its rain.
How long will it live here -
in my heart?
I guess forever,
always a part -
Of who I am, what I was.
Try to close it -
Lock it away,
But the cosmos again,
Is there at play.
Such strength and depth
Only found in fathoms.
Such desire, fire
Only found in eruption.
Such passion and longing
Only found in myths.
Such beauty and awe
Only found at the core.
Where will it all end?
I ask you?
Longing, lonely heart please,
Please mend

Quandry

Can you honestly, really just be 'friends' with someone who you're 'in love' with? I don't know if you realistically can..I'm still very much in love with someone who, I see on a weekly basis, however, when I leave him, I feel sad and a deep sense of loss.

What is the solution to such a quandry I wonder?

I'm looking very forward to getting away soon and sorting my head out for once and all.

Full flight

His strength returns
I feel..
Samson, with no hair
But with might.
His capacity
To love,
I feel
Awakens, with every day
That dawns -
A new morn.
Light, golden, bright -
Energy, full flight.
The bird returns -
Perches in his soul
Reminding him
He's whole.
Alive,
Survived,
Loved,
Worthy,
Of love.
May his strength
Grow,
Glow,
Return to the source
Of what he is
What I know.
Oh how I cherish him..
So.

Regressive reflection

For some reason recently, I've been regressing to an earlier time in my life. A time whem my Mum was present and I was a young woman, 18 years old, full of the joys of freedom and fun. I really don't know why I've been thinking about this time but I've come to the conclusion that it sort of feels like a retracing of emotional steps. Possibly too because all of the trauma I feel have been enduring for quite a while that is hopefully coming to a close now.

Rewinding then, 1986 was the time I met a first serious love. I wrote about this time, some time back.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I want to make a sort of pictoral history of eventful times in my life. However, one very eventful time I had backpacking with this person, I have no pictoral evidence of, only memories. Anyway, rather than dwelling on this, I managed to track down my ex via a friend, emailed him asking if he'd kindly send me copies of the photos, from the 5 week roughing it, Greek Island Trip we shared.
His reply was swift, happy and glad to hear from me. He's now very happy himself, living in Paris, married with a 5 year old son and working on some photography project with the Red Cross/peace corps in Geneva. He promised he would send these pictures on to me, when he eventually tracks them down.
I can't wait to get them, they were wonderful pictures of such beauty, happiness and such a special time for me and will make my pictoral history so rounded.
I don't quite know why I have such an urge to do this but I just do. It's odd too because at times, I do get such a sense of sadness and sorrow, coming from nowhere. I put this down to my Mum's death I think. Maybe it's hitting me more now than I realise, because I'm very much more alone now and thus, facing up to my lonely demons! Don't feel depressed or downhearted about this people though, because for me, it's sort of a good way to deal with my emotion.
Maybe subconsciously, I'm trying to get closure on many things and start anew, with a different sort of life; a life that is really what I'm about, free from anger and negative thoughts,treated with kindness and gentleness..
One day, I hope to share a few of these pictures of the VERY young Sara, with you people!I think you'll really love some of them and I hope to show you the beautiful places I visited back then, places that I wish to return to and indeed build on, some fine sunny day...

Check out this link and click on the following islands for info if you have an interest in the Greek mystical islands, just like me!
My rambling of islands consisted of:

Sikinos
Sifnos
Naxos
Folegandros
Santorini
Crete
Milos
http://www.greekbackpack.com/sikinos/index.shtml

Britain's Industrial History

Don't know if any of you guys have been watching the TV series 'How we built Britain' presented by David Dimbleby, but my, you really should, especially if you have an interest and fascination for the social aspects of history, architecture, philanthropy, paternalistic society..
Tonight's series was so interesting and took the viewer on a journey through Manchester, Leeds and Bradford's industrial past. My interest with this was also down to the fact that my father's family were immigrants from Ireland who fled their homeland in the 1840s to escape famine and ended up living and working in I guess, factories, in Manchester. Apparently, it wasn't uncommon for 16+ families to be living in a tiny cellar;no ventilation, no windows and a shared cooking area and fire. I guess this all brings it home to me how lucky we are in many respects compared to such times.
The programme also took the viewer to an old Mental Asylum, in west Ridings. This was so interesting and yet sad at the same time, especially when the viewer was invited to look at pictures of old patients there; you could just so much sense and indeed 'see' the sadness and despair in these peoples' eyes.

My, I'll be continuing watching this truly interesting and indeed educationally rewarding programme..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/britain/programmes/hwbb1.shtml

Delicate as Porcelain

Gosh this weekend has been a toughie! Talk about mood fluxing! I've gone from happy to sad, to manic to tired.I've missed my Mum terribly and so needed to talk to her, all I've done though is dream awful dreams and felt generally fed up! I guess my body's out of synch and needs grounding again. Yoga for me ASAP. Anyway, miserableness aside and positive thoughts, I've just booked a long stay away in Copenhagen for my 40th Birthday, in November.Although my birthday is September, I've delayed it until November as I can fly direct from East Midlands airport to Copenhagen, YIPPEEEEE! Time to ctch up with my Danish mates, family and generally get out there and enjoy the beauty the Copenhagen beholds.
A good friend is coming with me so I can show her the sites but also Fristaten Christiania where the more 'alternative' Danish culture exists, to which I know, she'll really love.

So, all of these moods where do they come from? My kids are hard work right now and making me feel like I'm a crap Mum. I probably am. People tell me things which I really don't deserve to know, or quite frankly, need. All these things and thoughts swirl around in my head and make me feel heavy headed and ready to burst, or better still, crack. So the porcelain is trying to be more earthenware and hopefully won't crack under the pressure!
One nice thing though for me in the land of porcelain though, was the specialness of a loved one saying to me...
'what is mine is yours.'
Those words were sweet, thoughtful, caring and well received.

Drift away

Always there
For those who needed me
But where are they
Now?
I need them.
Too busy
Too bored
Too irritating
Too mad
Too ‘wrapped up in their own lives/loves’
Too much believing
‘She’s strong;
OK,
Happy,
Brave,
Clever,
Needs no-one,
Likes space,
Dominant,
Drama Queen
Will be alright.
Never anymore
To be there.
Like I was for them.
Do I really need to know
My ex fancies my mate?
Do I really need to know
The lover I love, is 'not in love enough'
with me?
Sick of giving,
Listening, being, forgiving, accepting,
Sick of no-one giving
To me.
Time to give up
Time to forget.
Time to become small…
Drift away.
I have no more anymore
To give....
Empty.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here, Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Dream awakenings

Early dawn dream
Beautifully serene.
Embraced by his love,
Smothered by soft lips.
Soft cushions of fire -
Trip of transcendental desire.
Hypnotic state of bliss,
By a single,
Eternal kiss.
Does his slumber journey there?
I wonder?
Universal dream.
Universal love.
Connectedness desire?
All consuming memories
Dawn of a new dream.

Becoming

What happened to the light
In the dark?
I guess the switch got struck
Wax dripped, slid,
Burning out the bright.
What happened with those so free?
Wild with positivity,
passion and fiery,
Bright and shiny.
I guess with time
Fires smoulder -
To ash.
Get buried,
Back to their source.
Return to the land -
That nurtured them before.
What happened to the child?
Eyes so wide and alive,
Heart open, full of love -
Bruised with age
Misunderstood -
To the realms of ice.
Crack,
Hard,
Cold,
Transparent.
What happened to the spirit?
Dancing around, pure energy.
Cosmic ride of the universe
Too much for others
Perverse.
What happens to life?
The big mystery..
The fires burn
The candles turn
The lightswitch bids a farewell.

Island of no cars!

3 more weeks and I'm free for 3 weeks from work. Hooray! I'm extremely ready for a break. I've booked to stay in a fully equipped tent for 8 nights in Jersey near Rozel Bay, with my son. There's a lot of kids stuff for him to do and also a swimming pool, which will be heavenly for me; wake up, swim for a good half hour, breakfast, out on a mission for the day, cycle rides!
I've also been doing a little research into places to visit whilst I'm on Jersey and I do really want to sail to either Herm or Sark, both are car free islands, with Sark being a big cycling and horse and cart island - this so much appeals to me. I'd also like to head to St Malo in France for the day, as I've heard how beautiful the olf walled city is there.
Sark sounds fascinating, with it still being under feudal rule! I remember reading an article about it a long time ago but this had completely vanished from my mind...I remember then thinking how interesting this place sounded and now, purely by chance, I'm going to be spending a day, or even possibly, a night there. If I like what I see, then I may very well head off there next year for a good, peace and quiet, unpolluted holiday. Sometimes I do crave for a simpler life. Does this mean I'm getting older or just disillusioned with the western way of fast 24 hour living? Yeah, I think it's the latter!

http://www.sark.info/

Bad shit to good shit...

Been a busy, hectic, depressing, angry, worrying, appauling, pathetic time of a week. I've been binging a bit too much on food,(no, I'm not bulimic, but I do sometimes eat too much when I have depressive, anxious thoughts which tells me that I've been stressed and out of control) all down to outside issues. I'm not depressed by the way; light is in the distance, my holiday is close by - a 6 berth fully equipped tent right near the sea!
Anyway, issues? My ex has been playing me up, I guess this could well be a regular feature of having contact with him due to us having a son together. It's a long and labourious story at that and one that I frankly, can't be arsed to write about. All I know is, I'm very tired of him still not being properly settled anywhere after nearly a year of him moving out. This has meant he's sofa surfed at random places. Anyway, after his ridiculous behaviour with me, I've sort of read him the 'Sara Riot Act 2007'; I hope this sinks in, it probably won't cos he's such an anti-authoritarian, ex punk! At least there should be some constant, regular arrangement for my son, which in the end, is my main concern and worry. Anyway, domestic crap aside, I have a rather intersting weekend coming up.
Friday I visit my heart's flame which will be lovely, chance to catch up with each other and enjoy his company.
Saturday, I'm invited to an afternoon/evening house party, with my friend Julie and her new boyfriend Ian; looking very forward to see my friends at this party..AND I hope the weather stays good too!

Today, I've also been looking at properties in the High Peaks. I'm not going to be moving away at the mo but I keep dreaming about living somewhere else such as the peak district. I saw a nice rented place in New Mills - 3 bedded cottage and not badly priced. Plus, New Mills is both close to Sheffield and Manchester and of course, my beloved Edale! It's good to have dreams, even if they don't materialise for a long time, the thought of them is comforting.

I've also been reading an interesting article in The Guardian about Climate Change. This article made me wet my pants, cos the damned thing was sponsored by, guess who? BLOODY SHELL!! Hmm....and I wonder how much they contribute to global warming, displacing peoples in developing nations and have a crappy track record really regarding environmental - Oh the joys of hypocrisy! Ho hum, mustn't grumbe my friends, Onwards and upwards to further floods and landslides!

Bidding you a farewell and a good wekend ahead!

Hooray for Friday

I'm looking so forward to tomorrow night, will be visiting my loved one and catching up with what he's been up to, drink together and I guess have a nice chilled time together..Just hope I don't pass out, like I did the last time! Deary me, too much substance, too fast I guess and I guess, quite anti social on my part of things.

So, work for me tomorrow, which I don't really await with much delight cos Friday's a day I don't normally work so it all feels a little odd to be working tomorrow, but as soon as I leave that office building, I'll feel like jumping for joy, into the midsummer air and getting my skates on, to skate over to see the love of my life!

Two+ years on and I still have the flame burning deep down, inside of my big and mighty heart!
Mmmm....

Deprived and proactive

Well guys, today I've been teaching in one of the most perceived and reported 'scary and feared', areas of Nottingham - St Annes, in a resource community centre, with disengaged 16 -19 years old adults.
My, I'd forgotten how hard it can be to reach these guys; They're pretty shutdown, on so many levels and just to get that 'light' switched on again, is a massive task in itself. Luckily, I have a good male co worker, who's extremely active in the local community. A black Trinidadian/American, from Queens, New York, who has worked in such environments before and thus, has a good working knowledge of the issues these youths face today.
What struck me though was, how wonderfully active, buzzing and freindly this centre is, even though it's slap bang in a 'potential flare zone'. I always think that history has shown that communities often rise when faced with oppression and deprivation. A different sense of community and mutual support grows and indeed, one that is extremely important for local people to have faith in, continuing the sort of goodnesss and hope that is needed for the future.
So, I await with anticipation to next week, although I have some good ideas up my sleeve; Music Studio visits, cooking, art and trips to the main college for careers/course advice because many of these people really want to move into something new and now's the time to reach them before their lights become completely switched off...

Manic Rushes

I'm really getting off on Metric's sounds right now..Love the anarchic and upbeat feel to their Live it Out CD. Emily Haines has such a variable voice from soft and melancholic to screamy and rauccous..And I mean, just read these fab lyrics...


Patriarch on a Vespa

Promiscuous makes an entrance
Her mouth is full of questions
Are we all brides to be
Are we all designed to be confined
Buy ourselves chastity belts and lock them
Organize our lives and lose the key
Our faces all resemble dying roses
From trying to fix it
When instead we should break it
We've got to break it before it breaks us

Fear of pretty houses and their porches
Fear of biological wrist watches
Fear of comparison shopping
Dogs on leashes behind fences barking
Pretty little pillows on floral couches
Until our faces all resemble dying roses
Stop trying to fix it

Patriarch on a Vespa
Runs a red and ends up
Crushed under the wheel

Too Little Too Late

You can burn your paper fingers in the ashtray
Place your swollen lips on mine
You can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway
Sure for the first time you're wearing the right clothes

Now take them off
Meet me on the band room rug
Tie my right hand to the ride

You can take a live wire into the bath with you
For a feeling you can't find
You can entertain your childhood friends with a tour of the bedroom
Laugh to erase the dirt on your mind

Oh let's move out
Meet me at the motel
Tie my right hand to the bible

Too little too late but we don't say no
It's too much to feel
Tie my right hand to the bible

These guys have really gotten my manic, anarchic, excitable juices flowing again...great stuff, just what I want and love. Now I feel like lying in bed,preferably accompanied, drinking wine all day long and being all hedonistic whilst listening to this CD! Wow!!!

Spring is the picture

Imagine that
You met me when I -
Was in my spring years.
As fresh as the photo,
Now aged with time;
Faded a little,
Like me -
Now.
How would it have been?
Would I feel the same?
Sense of passion,
Love,
Fire,
Desire?
Time though cannot be changed
Or erased.
For it is time-
Who's made me who -
I am,
Today.
Without time and living my spring
Wisdom,
Knowledge,
Understanding,
Patience,
Would be absent from summer.
Summer is wiser -
Full of desire,
Fire,
Love,
Electric energy.
And has a heart -
At it's centre -
As large as the fullest sun,
You may ever wish to see
On a golden, summer's day.
Full of sparkly rays
That shine only for you.
My love,
Spring would've seen you
But summer
Consumes,
Envelopes,
Nurtures,
Enlivens.
Sees the whole
Of You.
And you?
See my spring -
In my summer.
For this
You are my heaven,
my star,
my hope,
My LOVE.

Public Enemy No 1

Public Enemy, one of my favourite Hip Hop bands and lyricists. Why then, can't I access their website, I ask you? I know for a fact that these guys get into a load of trouble and strife for their thought provoking, truthful, politicised lyrics, even though they live in a society that perpetuates the belief in ideals of freedom and liberty; Irony at it's best!
Anyway, here's me trying to access their website to find out what these guys are up to now and when indeed, they may be touring the UK again. Can I get on to read about them..I seem to have come across a site that mentions that their web space has been shutdown..Is this the case? Is it true that good old Bushy Boy, has shut them down? Next thing you know, I'll be banned from using my PC for being a Public Enemy sympathiser. Extreme bollocks.

The world is becoming a strange place and George Orwell, knocks it all on the head really, when you think about 1984.

Maybe we should all walk around like little clones, who don't give a shit about anything and don't question what's happening in our back yards and beyond. Bury our heads in the sand, wear the latest fashio clothes and buy the latest accessories to accompany our clothing, then go to crappy clubs and think that we're having a good time when in fact, we're surrounded by some of the most pretentious, unaware people you may ever wish to meet! Not that I blame these people or indeed don't like them, more to the point, I wish they'd become more politicised and mobilised. God, I sound like Bush mobilising his troops to Iraq!

Anyway, back to Public Enemy, I love these guys, I saw them at Rock City a while back. I loved every minute of the gig - it has to be said, these guys certainly know how to 'mobilise' the crowd. I think my favourite word today is 'mobilise', which is making me laugh out loud, in my active brain today.
I always have fond memories of listening and dancing to their sounds way back in the 80s at The Garage and loving it. Somehow the 80s and clubbing had such a different feel than it does now, more political, more conscious and more active. Emily Haines, front woman for Metric and solo singer, interestingly mentions in an interview that I watched recently, that she looked forward to gigging in the UK because as she puts it
'These kids don't give a shit'

This in a sense excites her - maybe beacause she may well want to mobilise these kids in a similar fashion to good old, Bushy boy but in the 'war on consumerism and overprescription of anti depressants' sense.

So I guess there's still some Public Enemies crawling out of the woodwork but damned, I wish the US would mobilise cyberspace and let me access Public Enemy's website. Bastards!

Musically charged and energy

Recently, I've been busying with creating personal playlists on my PC. I love projectplaylist because I've found so many random tracks that I love and can add to said playlist, from really oldie music to more modern sounds, this is excellent for such a musical soul as me. Even managed to find that splendid song from the film Dusk til Dawn,by Tito and Tarantualas, the one where Juliette Lewis and her pa go into the saloon and watch the extremely sexy Salma Hayek do her erotic dancing..that scene even gets me a tad hot under the collar, it has to be said!!(OK so she's a vampire and ends up all nasty but prior to vampirism, she's one hot dancer woman!)

Had a lovely past few days. Friday, I spent with my everlasting flame..wish his flames still burned internally but if they don't then so be it, I can't change a person and want them to do what's happy for them. He came over to mine yesterday, which was lovely to see him again and share a small but sweet bit of time with him. Interestingly, he noticed an old photo of me and complimented on how much he liked it.I do feel he has love for me, I sort of sense it..

Last night was a reggae night for a friend's birthday which turned out to be good, happy night. Some guys I know through a band got talking to me, which was all very sweet although they were terribly 'off their heads' but having fun and very endearing and complimentary..Interesting to share music tastes with them too.

Around 2.30ish, I started to miss my flame. I started to imagine him walking into the place where I was and thought about how happy I'd be to see him..I wanted to ring him and see if he was around but I knew he may've been potentially enjoying company with other people and possibly his ex at a club. So I refrained from ringing him.

The glass

My beautiful memories of him, even though I still see him, are still as crystal clear as the empty glass on my desk; A little murkier around the edges but I guess that's what you call getting to know the 'true' person.
The person who is scared to reveal their angry self because they know how it can be destructive and damaging..can end friendships, as quick as friendships are made.
Luckily, the glass still shines for me and the clarity grounds me. Grounds me because I know him well. I understand him, the moods, the anger, the self loathing, the frustration - Maybe better than he realises.
Why the fear? Anger? Frustration? I'm not actually going anywhere, or judging anyone, doing anything. But grounding. If he wants me to 'leave' him, as the angry mind of him, sometimes implies, then I can..Although the clarity of the glass tells me that leaving him means scared, sad, rejected. I never let the glass go dusty. I like to keep the glass shiny.Because he still shines for me...
And what about me in all of this? My mind goes back to the beautiful memories and hevaenly times we've spent together - outweighing the negativity...Oh when I remember the old flat, nights on that bed of iron - treasured moments in my heart, tears falling when I left, the feel of his soft, all consuming skin. A true delight. This I miss. I miss the kissing, endlessly. I like kissing, I love kissing him.
And the nights in the new room. The blueness of his sheets, the hour on hour of being with him, last summer was a truly special time for me with him but for him, a madness time...
And all of these memories are always and will be kept in my heart and soul forver because these memories are the important, worthy ones. The less worthy, frustrated ones, I put down to a troubled soul at these times.

Friday I await with happiness...

Observations, Realisations

Sitting on my setee listening to music of melancholy, I stare out of my window and notice the evergrowing bush, imposing it's way into my open window, reminding me that it's high time I cut it. At one time in my life, gardening was a therapy, pure enjoyment, cathartic. Today, it seems like a chore; I have to do it. I guess this is what happens when work and busy lives take over.
Text message -
My friend...
"He's dumped me!"
Wot!!!
I reply.
I know she's going to be distraught. I know this is going to send her to the depths. I offer her all that I can of me..
Love,
Support,
Friendship,
Understanding.
I love my friend - she's beautiful and has a heart not unlike my own. Shame she's a woman and I'm not into women..

And the world continues to spin on its axis, round and round, to a new day,new happenings, new faces, new feelings.

Cosmic feelings? Are these real? Or are they an imaginative delusion? I believe the cosmic forces work for us. Cosmic? Or maybe even better than cosmic, energy. In fact yeah,energy.

I think about energies. I was once told by someone that their energy dragged my energy down. I didn't believe it at the time but I do now. I know this was a fact. Our energies were so unsuited;different, out of synch, uncomplimentary, too flat, too predicatable, boring.

Not many people come along in life, who have energy that is complimentary to your own.When it is, it's there and wild, untamed, passionate, raw.

The jigsaw is starting to be put back together now; realisation is a good thing for this. Once you've reached a state of realisation and acceptance then I guess you know to move forward, new teritories, new energy, new happenings, new life. The window needs to be closed, it's getting dark and cold outside and the evergrowing green bush, is trying to stop me from closing the window. The bush will be cut and the coldness will be left outside.

Jarvis Cocker Superstar

Don't know if any of you guys watch it, but I quite enjoy watching The South Bank Show, especially when there's someone featured on it, who I'm a fan of, or indeed, have an affinity to their music, life, thoughts etc.
Last night's show featured the wonderful Jarvis Cocker. He's such an inspiration in many ways - to say that Pulp went on for years as a band, without being famous and still believed in their music and what they were about, is brill. I love the fact that he's also, so very grounded in his birth roots of Sheffield but also that fame hasn't changed who he is, what he's about and his values about life politically and musically.
He struck a chord too when he talked about getting married, having a child and thinking that he'd somehow become a 'responsible person'..As he puts it, 'like a magical wand would change him somehow' - well the good news is, it didn't and he doesn't believe that it'll ever happen - we all have our dysfunctions, quirks, etc etc. What an ace guy!
I think that maybe his life as a child, with an absent father, shaped a lot of who he is and what he's about today and as he remarkably and gorgeously mentioned, he speaks out to women in his music without meaning to, but just tends to. Maybe he saw his mother suffer some hardships as a child.

So, I'm enjoying his new solo sounds and his whole 'being' as a musician and genuine person, who still has both feet firmly planted! Sock it to em Jarvis!

Still Running the World Lyrics

Well did you hear, there's a natural order?
Those most deserving will end up with the most?
That the cream cannot help but always rise up to the top,

Well I say,... “Shit floats”.

If you thought things had changed,
Friend, you'd better think again,
Bluntly put, in the fewest of words:

Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world.

Now the Working classes are obsolete,
They are surplus to society's needs,
So let 'em all kill each other,
And get it maid overseas.
That's the word don't you know,
From the guys that's running the show,
Lets be perfectly clear boys and girls,

Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world.

Oh feed your children on crayfish and lobster tails,
Find a school near the top of the league,
In theory I respect your right to exist,
I will kill you if you move in next to me,

Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it's anthropologically unjust,
Oh but the takings are up by a third,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world.
(Cunts are still running the world)
(Cunts are still running the world)
The free market is perfectly natural,
Do you think that I'm some kind of dummy?
It's the ideal way to order the world;
“Fuck the morals, does it make any money?”

And if you don't like it? Then leave.
Or use your right to protest on the street,
Yeah, use your right but don't imagine that it's heard,


Not whilst cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,

Cunts are still running... the world.

Sometimes I feel like the main character, Toto, in Cinema Paradisio

Cinema Paradisio, prized film of mine and on my top ten list of favourite films. Toto, the main character, falls in love with a girl and waits outside her window for 100 days in the hope she'll fall in love with him. At the end of the film, he meets up with her again when they're older and make beautiful love. She always loved him, as he does her but her life now, is full of responsibilties and she's a wife, which means, they never get it properly together. Sad for both parties really. My connection? I can understand and realate to hoping, dreaming, wishing, waiting, loving and wanting. All in vain though I guess.

Anyway, swiftly moving on from the pangs of love, I had a good night last night; was tired though after using much of my mental, emotional energy up on Friday and thus, needed my bed. The party was good and we could've gone on to a house party but instead, ended up in the city, although actually, I think I'd have prefered to have gone to the house party, in all honesty.
I got chatting to an old friend, doorman at a club, who 'I've known for some time and interestingly found out he now works with teens aswell! Finally got home about 3.30am and went straight to bed, as I was beat!

Here's to Monday - Arggghhhhh

M

When love leaves him...

I miss
The man who was
In love, with me.
Who held me closely, tight
Who set my insides alight -
Melting my heart and soul
Making me feel whole.
I miss not to touch his skin
Soft and warm within
Kissing the scars on his arms
Magically healing his self harm -
With the touch of my sweet lips -calm.
My sweet.
I miss not studying the vein -
Coming alive under wild desire
Alive and heavenly
on his forehead.
Pulsating, male, sexiness
Reminds me of the river of energy
That flows through his body, lovingly.
I miss the wild nights of desire,
Hours of being on fire.
Heavenly, enchanted and alive
Soft and warm, in which to dive -
My sea of love,
My storm of passion,
My wind of change,
My rain of sadness,
My ray of sunshine,
My fire of energy -
I miss you not being -
"In love with me."
I hope your love
Will return one day,
And stay forever
With me...

Sara's Saturday Thoughts

Woke up today, nice and early. Sat in bed and read part of the newspaper, with a cup of coffee and croissant - Hmmm I love croissants with jam and coffee, yummmmmmmm.
Read an interesting article, or more to the point book review, about indigenous peoples and a woman's experiences about the different cultures around the world;her critique about technology and 'progress', eroding some indigenous cultures..Would quite like to read this book in many ways..

Paris Hilton eh? Banged up, released and banged up again. Oh well, it's hard in jail for a dodgy crime that could potentially kill someone! I don't have much sympathy for her sorry tears I'm afraid; all brought on by herself and thus, she should do the time IMO, or at least, some form of hardcore community sentence to open her 'blinkered' little eyes to.

Brought a nice, new green dress today, to wear to a birthday party tonight. I'm excited and want to flutter around like a summer butterfly and enjoy whatever the night brings. Yesterday was a bad day, today's better. Love is mighty and still in my heart, fire in my belly, but if people aren't prepared to take the jump and indeed if it isn't right for them, then as I keep being reminded and urged, I have to move on from hope and realise that hoping is wasting precious time. I love what I've had and have, with the person I love..it's a shame he doesn't see and indeed realise how wonderful things feel when I'm in his company - I still feel magical around him, I still look at him and melt. BUT, I need that from someone too, I need someone to melt and be fired up by me...

Anyway, here's to an anticipating and happy night out.

Solemn Day

Strange day I'm having today but I'vve been listening to Nick Drake a little and I love 'Way to Blue'and 'The Thoughts of Mary Jane' so much

Don't you have a word to show what may be done
Have you never heard a way to find the sun
Tell me all that you may know
Show me what you have to show
Won't you come and say
If you know the way to blue?

Have you seen the land living by the breeze
Can you understand a light among the trees
Tell me all that you may know
Show me what you have to show
Tell us all today
If you know the way to blue?

Look through time and find your rhyme
Tell us what you find
We will wait at your gate
Hoping like the blind.

Can you now recall all that you have known?
Will you never fall
When the light has flown?
Tell me all that you may know
Show me what you have to show
Won't you come and say
If you know the way to blue?

The Thoughts of Mary Jane
Who can know
The thoughts of mary jane
Why she flies
Or goes out in the rain
Where shes been
And who shes seen
In her journey to the stars.

Who can know
The reasons for her smile
What are her dreams
When theyve journeyed for a mile
The way she sings
And her brightly coloured rings
Make her the princess of the sky.

Who can know
What happens in her mind
Did she come from a strange world
And leave her mind behind
Her long lost sighs
And her brightly coloured eyes
Tell her story to the wind.

Who can know
The thoughts of mary jane
Why she flies
Or goes out in the rain
Where shes been
And who shes seen
In her journey to the stars.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Musically moved

I've always been really sensitive to music. It moves, changes, heightens and enhances my mood. Sometimes I go a few days without listening to sounds, because of being sidetracked with other stuff. However, I notice that as soon as I play music, my mind and emotion goes off to another place. I was also like this as a child. Indeed at the age of 4, I loved music and was a big fan of T Rex! I used to love the clasical music my school assembly used to always play at the start of the day. I so wish that I learned to play an instrument at a very young age because I do feel that I would've been quite good at playing some sort of instrument due to my love of sounds. I did try to learn guitar but found this quite hard as my fingers were so small at 10 years old...maybe I should've persevered more!

At the moment I'm introducing my ears to the new sounds of Michael Andrew's new CD. So far I'm loving most of what I hear. I especially love from this CD, Tracings, Just a Thought, Love is Tired and Something already happened x2. These are the tracks that are turning me right on right now! Wow, beautiful sounds....His sounds are a mix between Nick Drake's melancholy, Simon and Art Garfunkel dreaminess, Satie reflective piano sounds and quirky 60s jazz juice sounds, with hints of a gorgeous wee synth popping in here and there.
Here's a few more thoughts about the new CD...


Get a load of it!!!!! Thank God for music and the ability to hear.....

http://cdbaby.com/cd/michaelandrews

Seasons of love

All I ever wanted
Was to be
With you.
Through the seasons
I held on
With the hope -
Solemnly,
Patiently,
Longingly,
Desiringly,
To be the second part
Of what you are -
To me.
My soulmate,
My flame,
My lover,
My beauty,
I feel fruity!
I held on -
Because I see
The whole
Of you.
Not just a piece,
Or a morsel,
But the whole.
Inside,
Outside,
Upside,
Downside,
And still, I believe
In you.
Your mind,
And soul,
Your whole
Love lives on...

Life in the new dawn

I'm feeling pretty grounded after my yoga session last night and indeed starting to get some sort of closure about a few things, which is all good.

Today, I've been partly teaching an extremely 'dangerous' ex offender. Can't give details but sex, violence and women are involved so I guess that doesn't leave a lot to the imagination. I actually get along with this person extremely well; he's clever, interesting, I guess manipulative, intelligent, and deep and has a great interest, like myself, in ancient philosophy. I don't know how, or why, he came to commit such awful crimes but I guess mental health and pathology has something largely to do with it, from the criminal justice system perspective anyway..

I don't feel weird or unnerved by working with him either, which is a good thing but I guess I always have to have an antenna out. Saying that, you could meet the most randomest of strangers walking down the street and you may never know that this person was once a hardcore criminal.
Blimey, the world feels like a hardened place in my world today. Here's to fun times coming up at the weekend people!

The joys of love and believing

Even if a person doesn't love you, you can still love them;however this is where you need to self preserve. When dialogue you have with them confuses you even more, again, you have to self preserve. Being asked about expectations in a relationship - well that one's simple really, I don't have a lot of expectations from people, apart from they treat me kindly and want to spend time with me, to do similar things of enjoyment. I guess this is what I miss in not having a partner and indeed have missed it for quite a long time now (also due to the fact that my previous relationship was lonely);Things like going to the cinema, the odd random meal out together, maybe walking, camping, cooking meals together - all of the things that you enjoy doing with someone you love.
Anyway, I won't be a victim. It's uncreative, unhelpful and causes great upset, which has the knock on effect of sending a negative energy into the soul and has a tendency for me personally, to take me to the darker depths of my soul that I don't like visiting, that are destructive to me.

I have such a deep love for the person I so often write about on here that at times it hurts beacuse I miss him so much. But in my heart of hearts, I know that if it was right for him, he'd want to be around me, want me to touch him and hug him, love him.

Anyway today I've been co-creative and been to Yoga, meditated and reminded myself about how lovely I am and how very understanding and giving I've always been as a person. I hope this aspect of me is remembered, at least. Not some upset,crying woman who often feels helpless, sorrowful and full of yearning.

I have a good life when I look at it really, I have a job, my body works, I have children, my friends are sweet and loving..I have lovely memories of so many happy times. These things are what are important in life.

So, a new dawn will be realised. I need to keep on reminding myself that I'm a lovely person and I am loved and I am able to give warm, deep love. I hope one day I can give this love to the person out there, who does really want it and indeed feels the same need deep down inside, cos at the end of the day, we do all need someone to love and believe in us.

The Edge

Edge?
A weird place to be.
Caving in all of everything around you.
Coping? Trying to at least.
Everything on top, pushing in, stifling, claustrophobic, manic.
A feeling of running away in your head.
Your head and mind running faster than you can keep up with.
A dizziness and light headedness.
A white cupboard,
A phone box.
Ring, rine, ring,
The voice of a loved one - reminds you that reality is still there -
Somewhere.
White plastic, blue label, screw top -
Safety.
Shake it;echoes of a rattle.
Break it
Find the pleasure
The comfort in the rattle
The cushion -
Of the hardness of what noise can turn into.
Softness, floating
Going, going,
Gone.

Credit to......

Emily Haines and Michael Andrews. These musicians are awesome, truly awesome. Emily Haines of earlier Metric fame and Michael Andrews of Donnie Darko film score fame, completely stood up to how I thought they would.
To watch Michael Andrews play guitar last night, was a pleasure and an honour;this man puts his soul into his playing and his lyrics. In a similar vein to Nick Drake, his sounds were touching, sad, melancholic, cosmic. Indeed his lyrics were some of the cosmic (est) lyrics I've heard in a long time.. The cool thing too with him and his fellow musician, is that they are travelling England to their gigs by train! How cool is that? How admirable that these guys are carrying their instruments et al, on the British public transport system. This guy is one for me to watch in the future;such a vulnerability, sensitivity and passion for his music, made me shed a fair few tears.
Emily Haines reminded me partly, of The Delgadoes, in a funny sort of way..Her piano playing and crystal voice were beautiful, reflective and again deeply touching the soul. I absolutely loved a track called something along the lines of 'Sexual Suicide' - poignant lyrics set against thoughtful sounds of the grand piano and synthed sections - wow!
I also enjoyed the Glee Club in Birmingham. Such an intimate,cosy venue..to be seated right next to the musicians felt so fantastic and real.. I will definitely be going there again. After the show, my friend and I rounded the night in a pre theatre gay bar, which too, was a pleasure to be in, with a good vibe. Luckily, my friend's new found 'festival love' offered us a lift home as he was due to visit my friend anyway this weekend and lives near Birmingham..He's a gem. I foresee an igniting love between them, right in front of my own eyes.

It's strange really cos all of my friends are becoming attached to someone and I'm unattached and have been for quite some time and the irony is, that the person I wanted some further attachment to, doesn't have the same sort of love for me, as I do him; the 'in love' scenario.
I guess that's what you call life and hard luck really. I guess this is now my time to be alone for quite some time. I don't search for love ever, love comes to you, in my opinion. The cosmic forces play their part where love's concerned, at least that's what I think.

Lalalalaleeeleeeleee

Mentalness and happiness, are my thoughts today after landing back in the land of 'reality' after a 3 day festival. It was sunny and gorgeous on day one. Day 2, it got NASTY! The rain, the wind, the cold, all decided to work their weathered ways on me. I didn't care. I loved every moment.
The highlight of the weekend for me, was being around some really sweet 'up for it' people from Sheffield; Duncan and Ellen a lovely couple and their mad, mad posse of friends. These people were bonkers, extremely bonkers. Loved the fact that Duncan got dressed up a leopard print trouser suit with burgundy wig - hilarious! Proper hilarious!
The main, truly moving moment was listening to the Tibetan Monks from the Tashi Lhunpo Monastery. They live in exile in Dharamasala because the Chinese Government forbids them to practice their rituals etc, in their monastery in Tibet. I guess we forget about the Tibetan plight and focus on more immediate things such as the Iraq and Iran. I for one though, follow Tibetan movements quite frequently, to find out what is happening is the strange and seemingly enchanting country..
Please see for further info..
http://www.tibetfund.org/about.html
Wow, their rituals and performing blew me away. The long horns they use are just awesome to listen to, especially when you're really close to them. The meditations, mudras and prayer rituals were also totally moving and made me feel extremely emotional and thankful that simplistic, meaningful religions/belief systems still have place and importance in our, aswell as other cultures. I really have an urge to return to the Buddhist meditation sessions that I used to attend some while ago. I will do this, I will attend.

So a delightful weekend has been experienced, meeting some lovely sweet people and listening to some reflective, thoughtful tunes, aswell as, some mad, ravey dancing tunes. I'm glad the UK still has such an active festival scene and that the communal, human spirit continues to thrive in many of the festivals around us. Onwards to sleep and rest I go, after losing what I reckon, is a good 15 hours or more of sleep over this weekend..

Please note: I would not ordnarily walk around with such revolting specs on but the aim was to try and get that '70s dodgy teacher look.' These glasses were stolen from bonkers leopard-print trannyman. Do I look like a dodgy 70s teacher though? I ask you....

Cosmic weirdness and LOVE

I visited my beloved last night. I got my anger out with him about issues that have upset me in the past. This was good for me;cathartic but in no way meant as a way to hurt, or make anyone feel guilt. I needed to say these words because the pain I've felt, over time, has to be buried now and allowed to perish away.
I have to forgive, forget and love the person I love, for who he is, for making me laugh last night, for being caring, for being such a beautiful person who I've always connected with,for belonging to such a depth of soul that I feel at one with, on so many levels and for him being HIM.

We looked at Mayan Calendar websites which were pretty fascinating to say the least. I would've liked to read about these more and will do, when I get back from the festival I'm off to today.

On the way back home, the taxi driver was playing and sort of watching, a DVD about UFO theories and wars that 'apparently' go off in space. Hmm, didn't quite know what to make of this but it was odd considering the cosmic Mayan stuff I'd been looking at previously! He then started to talk about Terrorist stuff and the 'rapture' regarding right wing Christianity! Blimey! He then went on about micro - chips in humans in the future and something about Jack Straw. Bearing in mind, all of this I had to listen to, after having a wee smoke of grass! My God, talk about psyched out!!!
Now either this taxi man suffers from some cosmic understanding, or he's completely on the level of being slightly bonkers! I don't know what to think but my conclusion is, he's been watching the Extra terrestrial DVD a bit too much and I think he may possibly need to chill out on the human micro chip front.. Maybe he's right, maybe he's a messenger, maybe he's just insane! Who bloody knows, but one thing's for sure, the heavens had a weird cosmic energy about them last night!

Destiny, bad backs, beauty

Today is my first day back at work after being off with a flu virus and injury to my back after falling down the stairs. The office I work in is claustrophobic and stuffy to say the least so I am not happy about the prospect of spending a day in the hell hole.
Anyway by 12pm, my back was in so much pain, I could hardly move my neck or bend down. I rang my good friend Julie, to see if she could fit me in for a deep back and neck massage, bless her, she could and thus I left work early in to get a fantastic back, shoulder, face and neck massage. What a star!!
I'm so glad for her right now, cos she met a guy a while back, who is such a sweetie. They're spending a lot of time together, doing things they both like doing and enjoying each other. I foresee this to be a long term relationship;both want one, both are 'really into' each other, both are giving of each other, both seem very happy when together.. The good thing for me with this scenario is that I invited Julie out the night she met this guy, quite by accident, quite last minute... This makes me glad that the cosmic forces were in action for both of these people especially cos Julie had been using dating sites and was disillusioned with the whole dating scene!
I've always been a believer of meeting someone in a more natural environment via attraction, etc. Dating sites to me, from what I've heard from others who've used them, seem forced, difficult, prone to problems etc. I guess it's whatever takes your fancy but it certainly ain't the road I ever want to go down..
So, I'm happy julie met a guy in the 'natural attraction' setting. I'm glad she sorted my poorly back out for me, I'm glad she's such a beautiful, caring, sweet friend.

Music by Michael Andrews

Don't know if you guys have heard any of Michael Andrew's music. I'm sure you'd know his sounds, he did some of the composition soundtrack to one of my favourite films, Donnie Darko; These tunes are haunting, transcendental, dreamy, reflective and pure gorgeousness.They hit a part in my brain that only certain music hits.Wow!

He's actually touring the UK soon, which would deffo be worth seeing/hearing. I know he's only here for a few weeks or so and is playing Birmingham and Manchester, so Birmingham would be good for me...Hmm this may well be the musical tonic I need after this nasty cold I'm recovering from..
Check out his Myspace anyway for an idea of some of his other sounds, very different to Donnie Darko stuff but lovely and gorgeous to listen to..

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=28974297

Thinking of.......

Yesterday I rang a place about counselling, yes counselling, for me and my head and heart. I was shocked at the cost although I knew it'd pretty much be as such;£30 for an hour session, with a min of 6 months weekly visits! That's a hell of a lot of money that I don't have.
This upset me. This means that I won't be going for counselling afterall! I feel an urge to get some closure on certain issues, I feel a need to respect myself a little more and be respected back. I replay words that have been said to me, over the years and become upset and anxious. I can't quite believe over time, the treatment I've allowed myself to be part of. This isn't me, this isn't what I'm about. All I can conclude is that since my Mum's death, life feels like it's taking its toll on me. I guess this is because I was so close to my Mum..
I'm bearing up just about, but I feel quite 'wobbly', it has to be said. I feel like I need peace, love, nurturing, respect, understanding, patience, kindness, amongst other things.
I also, funnily enough, have thought about doing a counselling course myself..it's expensive to do, but maybe this should be the direction my life should go...
I guess it's good to be prepared to look at ourselves and face our demons and grow from this..Counselling does require that you do this. Step one though, look after myself first cos if I don't then I won't be 'present' to look after those who need me..

The things he is....

I wrote this today after I've had quite a firey bit of a dialogue with some cyber buddies, including the man I love. Am I wasting my time? Am I daft? Anyway, after falling down nearly all of my stairs (long story) and hurting my back in the process, I came up with this poem...

I love him more
Than he'll ever know,
Even though
I challenge him-
His heartlessness,
At times.
I know for sure
That deep down inside,
He has a heart
A beauty,
An energy
Never been felt
By the likes of me.
He makes tears flow
He makes suns and heavens shine.
I believe in him.
I feel his pain
A storm full of grey rain.
I feel his sorrow,
feel his angst,
His anger,
Frustrations,
Confusions,
Contemplations,
Reflections
Mighty fear
Mighty mood.
I love him like
I've loved no other,
He may not believe this
BUT I DO.
BUT HE WON'T GO
THERE.

Respite

Well, just returned from a friend's birthday trip to Edale; walking, laughing, drinking, playing cards and silly kid's games - all made the night and day, a bunch of fun.Today was her actual birthday so I took her a cake up and we all drank champagne with a gorgeous carrot cake!
Anyway, here's someof the piccys I took from the trip.
Had a verrrry weird dream this morn whilst I slept in the hostel room; there was a death and I was walking alongside a coffin, down Lenton Boulevard in Nottingham, and then up towards the Savoy Cinema. I remember feeling really upset and anxious,my youngest son chose a toy to put in the coffin.. but then the dream ended! God knows what that's all about but it shook me up a little!and at the time felt quite meaningful - Ooo blimey!

Hope you enjoy the pics people xx