Let it snow happiness and brightness all around me

Not long til Xmas, as you've all gathered by now. Well, I have a few parties/gatherings to attend. One on Thursday night in a South East Asian restaurant curry house. One on Friday night, rauccous techno dancey affair. I'm looking forward to both of these nights a lot. The first one is with a load of good friends who I see nearly every 6 weeks for curry..always ends up loud and heated.
The second night, I'm looking forward to dancing, drinking mulled wine and being with another very good friend and indeed, the sweet people who run this night.

I've been dreaming loads at the moment and beloved is entering my dreams nightly. Interesting that he keeps returning to me through my dream state. A nearly 3 year friendship can not be forgotten easily. Well, in not in my case at least. My friend said to me

'To you it was always more than Friendship Sara'.

She hit the nail on the head and is completely right,I guess that's what's been the problem all along. He had a different agenda to mine..sad but true.

Hohum, time for a party and time to enjoy myself. I hope the heavens shine brightness and happiness all around me this weekend..I keep getting images of Santa Troll in my head. Does this mean I'm ready for sectioning????

Things that've made me smile this week...

OK, to lighten the tone and get all silly and happy, I think I eed to do a weekly rundown of things that've made me laugh during the week..here goes

1. Watching an episode of Bagpuss, the one where Tavish Mactavish plays bagpipes really craply, whilst living in The Highlands in Scotland! I like the story and I love the little, wee Hamish's that are actually, porcupine pin cushions. I love Emily's shop and I adore Bagpuss!

2. An episode od Six Feet Under - Nate gets high on E without knowing he's taken it, very funny and brilliantly acted!

3. My mate and I in Copenhagen getting all arty and taking ridiculous photos of random stupid things!

4. My Gangsta man mate texting me, pissed and late at night - writing suggestive texts! Dream on brother, you're a mate and no more - find yaself a whore, cos I ain't givin no fucka a cheap and meaningless piece of me! Laughed my head off!

5. Getting pissed on Christiania on Jule brew and Irish Coffee, having a sweet conversation with the bar man who my mate rightly acknowledged 'He had a sweet, kind face with open and honest eyes'. I agreed.

6. Putting the Xmas tree up with my youngest son. It looks gorgeous and sparkly. I love white, clear fairy lights and I have a gorgeous white paper star lantern that I bought in Copenhagen that is just the business. I've also added fairy lights to my mini golden tree decoration in my dining room and lots of candles, candles, candles....All of this lovely cosiness made me smile and look forward to Xmas. Sparkly lights really do add warmth on these cold nights..

7. People who think they look cool in trilbys. Some do, some don't. The ones who don't make me want to pull them off their heads and say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

8. Men who think they know about female genitalia when really, they have no idea. Sos guys, I'm not trying to make anyone feel uncomfortable here but FFS, Go do your homework!!!
9. Pretend, ungenuine, 'to be hip' Socialists. If they don't know how to treat their fellow humans with respect then they're never a real socialist. Stop PRETENDING, STOP TRYING TO BE SUMMAT YOU REALLY ARE NOT. This particualrly amuses me.

More to follow.....

Ain't the world a suprising place?

Ain't it weird how you really never know anyone 100% and this cycle of deceit, nastiness and lies becomes the norm to some people, they think you know nothing about them, they pat you on the back or act all sweet to you hiding their lies and bullshit - and indeed, they act all nice cos they feel the most utmost guilt about their actions and they worry about whether you'll be in a state because of this...Oh well, I guess being fat and needing a makeover is all the narrow minded folk of today think about...gosh and yet they think they're soooo cool and yet they're sooooo pretentiously stuck in their own ridiculous reality. I never want to be around these sort of people.....BUT, the REAL scary thing is for those blinded people, who think they know a person 100% but they know nothing, absolutely nothing..this makes me laugh somewhat.. Sorry if this sounds cryptic, it's not meant to..it's just a thought that's been amusing me somewhat...And I guess it's come about because of some rather disturbing info I was recently informed about regarding someone via an email and an accidental conversation. Dear me, if only..... No. Forget it Sara. Forget what you know.

So they call people fat,
Repulsed; a smelly, worn hat,
Many of the tyrants of today,
Fill my open heart with dismay,
The dregs of nastiness;
Soapscum with heart of callousness.
So they think they're all SO cool,
Who do they really think they fool?
Certainly not those with eyes wide open,
Who embrace others with kindness, only to be trod on
broken.
And they play the sensitive and sweet,
But they fall down lowly on their feet,
Projecting their own faults and shit,
In the face of others; Smash, hit,
Vulgar thoughts and actions,
These people need a bubble; a beware caption...

Finality Finalised

I return home to the news that my ex now has been given a date to move into his new place. It will be just after the New Year, which is great news for him. New Year, new start - in every way, I imagine. I have no idea what to do for the New Year as yet and I guess it all depends on childcare which, it may well be that my son's Dad is looking after his son on this eve.

OK so here's a rundown of my recent break away.

I borrowed my friend's bike and cycled down and across the lakes to an area called Norrebro. I thought it'd be interesting to find a cosy bar, where I'd feel at home in, as a lone female. I decided on a great little bar called Blagards Apoteket on Blagards Place; a radical bar that houses some of the most radical live bands on the Danish music scene. I ended up chatting to a freindly danish man called Bjorn, who had three kids, all of whom are now grown up. The band I watched were great with an excellent female lead vocalist. The atmosphere was also wonderfully chilled and friendly. Bjorn lived in a place called Valby and so we walked home to Frederisksberg together, as this is on the way to Valby and said our goodbyes. It was good to chat to a random man with no fixed agenda, on anyone's part.

I went to the Xmas Jule Marked on Christiania. This was just as I remembered - amazing!!! I had Irish coffee and then ended up in my favourite bar Woodstock for a few Xmas Jule Brews. I got chatting to a man from Gambia who'd lived in Denmark for 25years! My mate wanted to leave earlyish so I semi arranged to meet the Gambian man, Sam again later if I decided to wonder back down to Christiania. I'd also received a sweet email from Filip. my new Greenland friend. Sadly, he was moving accommodation and was out of the city area so we were unable to link up. His email was very sweet though and indeed lovely to hear that he's doing OK.
One thing I loved about the people I met, all men, was there was no agenda to try and get off with me or indeed make a move on me. Almost like these men can be friends with you even though I'm female. I remember this is what I liked about living in Denmark years ago; men could be true friends without wanting to get in your knickers!! It was nice just to chat to Sam and Bjorn and I felt very relaxed and indeed not threatened by their company, more like they were sweet associates than a potential predator!
Anyway....

I went for a long, long bike ride all around the city, west to north. It was cold but truly delightful. I stopped and window shopped in secondhand/retro stalls and enjoyed the laid back ambience that is Copenhagen and it's neighbouring suburbs.

In the evening, my friend and I had a drink in the local 'bodega' and then got take out curry and two bottles of wine. We also got a little high after out Christiania expedition purchases..she now has a new found woman supplier for all things cannabis like! (remember hash is still sold openly on Christiania)

Up at 5am and on to the metro, I was called 'Smukke' (beautiful)this morn at 6am by a drunken Danish man, I didn't feel smukke and I'm sure I didn't look 'smukke' but sweet and funny nonetheless.

Again a wonderful time and a good break..I've now put up the Xmas tree with my son and discussed with my ex about his new place. Two weeks and his life will be so different as will minbe; no more staying at mine when he needs a sofa, free to move forward and start living the way I wanted to over nearly three years ago. Gosh!

I miss beloved and I still feel sad about the whole depressing situation but maybe this is the right time to really cut him from my heart, New Year and all that? How ironic that he was the person who I truly wished to have something long term with and yet I have nothing..that feels sad and it hurts. Maybe I was just the scraps left over in his life? How sad and crap at the same time that you can be so close to someone and then it all diminishes to nothing...I hate this and it's not my style of friendships but I still know that I need to protect my heart from further upset and heartbreak because it truly has been dealt far too many blows of recent...let him shower his new love with his love but funnily enough, I'm not convinced for some odd reason. Not convinced at all. Maybe I've just been a complete and utter twat? Well, I know my heart is kind and will only settle properly when it's treated by one who knows about passion, kindness, love, acceptance, respect, patience etc etc.

Anyway...here's to the Winter Solstice and the New Year. Roll on fast 2008!!!!

Music that Moves

So, I've been listening to Sigur Ros's new sounds recently. The new CD Heim/Hvarf is truly astounding and beautiful; so much so, some of the tracks truly move me to tears especially Von and I gaer - (I'm guessing I gaer means 'IN GEAR' - at least in Danish it means this and Icelandic does have some slight similarities to Danish)...There's something so melancholically sad but a true musical delight at the same time.
The singer has an amazing voice and the accompanying violins and drums make their music so special. Funnily enough, the lead singer's voice and emotional displays, remind me somewhat of Thom Yorke from Radiohead. Not afraid to show and feel emotion as they sing, like their whole energy and raw passion for their music is unleashed and almost like they want to give me, the listener, a worthwhile experience..I really wish I could play an instrument, I know I could unleash all of my emotions into my music if I played. It's never to late to learn I know and the piano was a wish to learn, for this year but sadly, it hasn't happened as yet.
Maybe I should join a singing group or something instead, I love singing but get shy and don't sing well in front of others for fear that they'll judge my voice. The only person who completely encouraged me to practice singing and who I eventually let my guard down to, was my eldest son's father, Jorgen..He said I had a voice very similar to Suzanne Vega especially when I added the touch of an american accent..Hmm..I wonder?

Here's a link to Sigur Ros anyway..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigur_R%C3%B3s

http://www.sigur-ros.co.uk/

Trying to see the light in darkness

I won't go into detail but I'm sad at the moment and I've had to make some heartbreaking decsions but they're all because of self protection and preservation. I've got to try to let go and step back. The decision concerning this didn't come lightly but was strangely on impulse and because I became very upset and felt very hurt.

Anyway today, whilst searching the Danish site of Christiania, I felt a jump of joy in my heart when I read that the Xmas market is being held up until the 20th December. This made a little light of happiness and joy switch on to read this. I remember going to this market many years ago, back in the Xmas of 1993, when I lived in Denmark. I remember how truly delightful this market was;held in the Gra Hall, darkness all around but lit up by candles and fairy lights, sooooo romantically beautiful and warm..The market sells all sorts of things, candles, handcrafted items, cakes, wines, decaorations etc etc, if my memory serves me right and there's also a distinct waft of mulled wine in the air! This has lifted my heart to picture the image I have from way back in the 90s and I greatly look forward to seeing and indeed experiencing this again soon!

I'm off to light some candles and reflect to some music..

Love never left

So I sort through my files,
search for the letters,
Emails, poems, pictures,
That I saved -
For nearly 3 years.
And there they are-
Wrapped safely in the plastic wallet,
Of what would normally contain the traces -
Of work; Paper, writings, criterias, eveidences.
And there is my personal evidence,
Clear as a cold, wintery day,
Evidence of when we first met,
That first night,
Cold but bright,
How you first felt,
That first kiss
At the bottom of stairs
Inside.
Blew your mind
So you said.
The email proved it -
'Blew my mind - I'm saying no more'.
When I read those words
A wave of sadness
Overcame.
Such a shame,
That we never made something together
Of lasting love,
Fun, happiness.
What a shame that your feelings
Were never as deep
And sincere as mine.
Or was it?
For I remember you said
'You loved my smell'
Earthy - at that time
Worthy.
And you found my hair,
This knowledge with me
You shared.
Intuitively so, you cared?
What a shame,
You fell in love with others
And not me -
For an eternity.
For all I have left now
Are your evidences of words, feelings,
Paper, my hair, smell, which eventually -
Will fall apart to dust,
Nothing but rust,
And echoes of the love
That never left me...
So I gather the evidences
And place them carefully,
Away, lock them up
And vow to leave them be,
To live their life freely,
Words, feelings, all for the new found love,
Not me -
Sadly.

Closing the path

I close the book,
The chapter of love,
Sorrow, friendship.
Heartache, painstake.
I close the chapter
On takers,
Taking my goodness,
My positivity,
And sucking it dry
For the benefit of others,
Their persona?
Unconditional yes,
But to what extreme?
Live-in an empty dream
Of nothingness,
Meaningless,
Delusions,
Empty conclusions.
I close my heart,
My soul, my giving
Me.
I open my eyes,
My heart for those -
Who see -
The real me,
Who love me,
Never judge me
Nurture me.
And if ever..
Another enters my life..
I only offer love to one -
Who truly cherishes me.
Who speaks the truth,
Not empty words,
Or insincere gestures.
I meant nothing.
NOTHING!!!
I now cut mt heart;
Essentially myself.
Let the pain leave -
A stream of sadness,
A path of broken veins,
Tired heart - broken in two
Forever.

Reasons, friends and oobejoobie

Weirdly, today has been full of the most strange but lovely happenings. I met a few good friends in the city;we sat in the pub and had some warming winter drinks and had much laughter about our secret word - ooobeeejooobie.My friend bought me a beautiful rose quartz heart and said that she thought I needed help with my heart for it has been sad and she feels that I need some happiness in my heart, which rose quartz is reputedly good at bringing. I will sleep with it tonight and cherish it I reckon!

I received a text from my recent friend, Gangstaman, who I see hardly anything of but who I do enjoy chatting to a fair bit. He again has been in London this weekend. He asked if I would like to meet up with him when he arrived back in the city..I said maybe, depending on time etc...anyway, my friends and I then went to get a German sausage and some hot chocolate with Baileys in. Afterwards, my gangstaman mate was quite into meeting up so I said OK. Anyway, on the way to the station to meet him, I walked across the lovely water feature in the Market Square. My friend was urging me not to take such a risk but I am a risk taker, it has to be said! We crossed the water feature safely, no-one drowned. I texted gangstaman back and asked him when his train would be arriving back in the city; no answer. OK, I thought, maybe he's just playing games or has changed his mind. I texted again. No reply. Hmm. So I decided to go home and chill out.

Tonight, I received a sweet phone call from him apologising that his phone battery had gone and thus couldn't text me back to arrange when to meet! He apologised profusely and asked if he could link up with me as soon as possible. As soon as possible will be the week after this now, as I have a weekend away this weekend and have no childcare during the week. What I like about this man is the fact that he talks very openly and frankly about his issues and the fact that he's dealing with them. I never feel like he's judging me and my life situation. I even told him my ex had been staying here to which he said as long as you get on, then that seems all cool..I like the fact that he's open and honest with me. I like the fact that he's started to compliment me quite a lot even though we've not spent hardly any time together.

Anyway, I'll plan a day to see him after my weekend break. He made me laugh when he said, Do I think he'd make a good escort? He needs money and is a poor student...the things the brain thinks about eh??? I told him to focus on his studio work in his flat and music, to finish his dissertation and to focus on the creative things rather than the need for money..

I tried to call beloved but he failed to pick up twice, my conclusion was that he was with his girlfriend and didn't want to chat with me..he texted me later and asked me to call tomorrow, saying he'd been wrecked after last night and thus, it'd be better maybe to chat tomorrow. I know this man will forever live in my heart, my heart aches so at times because I miss his presence and soul but my heart can't keep feeling heavy and achey, it can't keep feeling denied of love..The rose quartz will help me, I'm determined.

So, the plans for today were all a bit random but fum all of the same..I hope gangstaman sticks with his plans to have certain help with some issue that he discussed with me, he's open to it and thus I know he's ready to help heal his heart..

Life moves and we're all moving along in it and there's certainly a reason for evrything in our lives.
"If we continue to do as we've always done, then we'll always get what we've always got.."

The F**ckin sooner the better!!!!!!

As you know, my ex has been waiting to be rehoused. He has been offered a small place not far from me, however, they're not sure when he'll be able to move in..they've told him that it could be before Xmas, or just right after. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner the better.
Recently, for example, the last two weeks or so, he's been asking to stay at mine due to his sister wanting 'space' at the weekend. This, pisses me right off. It means that I've had to endure him being around me for the last few weekends..I feel like I'm being invaded of my space, I hide up in my room cos I feel I want and need my privacy away from him, this also means that I've recently been going out on Sundays to avoid being at home when he's in my house. Well folks, this really can not go on any longer, I've had enough of it and I want my life to properly start now rather than holding off for years, due to him taking the piss with getting his shit together..
So, this week, he's at his sisters until Thursday which on this day, I'm travelling away until Sunday, so that's all good - I don't have to be around him at all!!!
The plan now, phew, is that he will be out of my hair completely by Xmas. I want my life to move forward, I want to have friends over as I used to at the weekends, not so long ago when he was staying at his brothers and sisters. I feel I can't at the mo, cos he's been invading the space again. I can't wait for him to REMOVE all of his belongings, I feel like they clutter my house, my space, my head. This all sounds horrible in some ways but I have to get it off my chest and the sooner he's living in his own place, the goddamned blummin better! Roll on two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many other people would've put up with having an ex staying with them at times? Not many methinks, he's been lucky that people have been so kind and understanding but now my patience and kindness are waring thin.

All a whirr

Had a weird day today, hectic and a weird feeling in the back, left hand side of my brain. I made my peace with beloved and apologised for a few things. Anyway again, I dreamt very haevily last night and then today, I wrote this poem..

Whirr of my brain and heart

This force in my heart pushes,
My brain experiences rushes
Like never before..
This feeling gets me right at the core.
Sends me dizzy, heart feels sore.
My head all a whirr,
Gut pangs ache, in my body - they stir.
His image remains in my head -
His smile, voice, tugs the thread,
That pulls at my heart -
Missing him when we're apart.
Aching and craving-
For him I keep saving,
My passion, my desire
Rekindle my heart on fire.
My beautiful love..


However, I did manage to swim, I shopped a little, I went for a coffee and read The Big Issue and the rest of the Weekend magazine that I'd fail to read at home. I cycled in the rain which I really enjoyed, funnily enough. AND I'm out tonight with my lovely buddies. Cheap black russian cocktails and dancing until the early hours. Should be FUN!!!!!

Goddess of love

I've always had an interest in Gods and Goddesses but the trouble is, getting enough time to fully read up about them and retain the information when I have read about them because many of the stories are so intertwined.
Anyway, I did a funny quiz when bored, to see which Norse Goddess I am and it seems I'm Freya, Goddess of love- Read on annd find about who I supposedly am the most goddess like!


The Goddess Freya

Freya was a warrior goddess, a Valkyrie, and also the goddess of sensual love. Though this captivating goddess had numerous lovers, she was the wife of the mysterious Norse god Od.
Freya was a spectacular beauty known for her appreciation of romantic music and stunning floral arrangements. That was her softer side; she was also known as the goddess of war and death.
As leader of the Valkyries, she had considerable power. She had the right to claim half the souls of the bravest warriors who died in battle. Actually going onto the battlefield, she would gather them up and take them back with her to spend the after-life in her home in perpetual rest and recreation. A sweet and generous woman, she always invited their wives or lovers to come and live with them.
The other half of the heroic warriors, who belonged to Odin, would be gathered up by the Valkyries and taken to Valhalla where they were able to live in comfort and honor.
She was also called upon to comfort those who were dying, to ease their transition into Valhalla (the "otherworld"), serving as a guide and companion on the journey to Valhalla for many Viking heroes who had died nobly.
When Freya and the Valkyries rode forth on their missions, their armor caused the eerily beautiful flickering light that we know as the Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights.
Freya and Od were wed, but soon after their wedding Od disappeared and all feared that he was dead, perhaps killed by the ruling deities for disobeying their orders.
Freya was distraught and cried tears of gold, but refused to accept that he was dead. Putting on a magical cloak made of falcon feathers that allows the wearer to fly across vast distances very quickly, she rose into the sky and searched all over the earth for him.
Indeed, Od had not died but had been banished and lost at sea. When Freya found him he had already degenerated into a sea monster. Hideous as he appeared, Freya stayed by his side and comforted him.
When someone stumbled upon the sea monster and killed him, Freya was enraged and threatened to take her revenge for the slaying the most noble of the gods. Fortunately it all worked out as Od was admitted to Valhalla even though he had not died in battle, and was allowed to have conjugal visits from Freya so that the two were never separated by his death.
Freya's name was "The Lady" or "mistress", and may be the source of our name of the fifth day of the week, Friday. With her twin brother, Fryr ("The Lord"), these divine twins were the Norse deities of untamed nature.
Freya had many other lovers, although she deeply loved her consort Od. (Remember, monogamy had not been invented yet and infidelity was the social norm.) Aphrodite's amorous escapades pale by comparison with those of Freya, whose unbridled sexuality was legendary.
Usually depicted as a strawberry blonde with stunning blue eyes, none could resist her. To make matters even worse, like the Greek goddess Aphrodite, she possessed apparel that made her irresistible to men. . . a magical necklace reputedly made of amber and rubies that was called a "brisling" or "brisingamen".
Freya had left it a bit late to leave her friend's house to start home. The sun set, and it began to snow. Soon she was becoming disoriented and frost-bitten. Luckily she was found by four dwarves who rescued her and took her to their home. The dwarves were named "North, South, East, and West".
Freya volunteered to pay them for their hospitality and the four dwarves cheerfully agreed, saying that they would like to be repaid by having her sleep with each of them for one night. Freya wasn't at all interested and promptly declined.
Until . . .
She saw the incredibly beautiful necklace that they had just made. She had to have it and offered to return after the storm and pay for it in gold. They may have been dwarves, but they weren't stupid -- they told her it was not for sale at any price, but countered with an offer that they would be delighted to simply give it to her if she were willing to pay their price for her room and board during the storm.
When Freya returned home after the storm subsided, she was wearing the stunning "necklace of desire".
The goddess Freya's passions were abundant, vigorous, and unrestrained. Clothed or not, she is usually shown in sensual poses.
She is often depicted riding her golden chariot through the skies, the chariot pulled by two large blue cats who were a gift from the Norse god Thor.
Freya chastised Thor soundly one morning for awakening her from her beauty sleep with his boisterous and noisy preparations to "go fishing" for a sea dragon. While he was on the way to his fishing spot, Thor kept hearing lovely song-like noises that seemed to be lulling him to sleep.
Stopping to investigate the source of the odd sounds, he found them coming from a nest of mewing blue kittens being tended by a tomcat. The sound that Thor had heard was the male cat singing to the kittens, "Sleep, sleep, my dear little ones".
Thor suggested (in forceful terms) that the cat stop singing the lullaby and the cat sassed him back, suggesting that Thor had no idea how difficult it was for a single-parent male to rear his children and asking if he knew any women who would be willing to take them in.
Immediately Freya came to mind, and Thor agreed to take them to her. Like all cats, this one was not quick to show appreciation and added that, being blue, they were very unique cats and deserved an especially fine home. Thor took offense at the comment and thundered back at the cat who, not the least impressed, bared his claws and then turned into a bird and flew away.
Kindly Freya was enchanted with Thor's present and did the kittens honor by letting them accompany her on her daily rounds across the sky.

So, there you go. Although I'm disimilar to her regards her numerous lovers and wed! I've never been wed and I'm definitely a 'one man woman' when it comes to matters of the heart. I do love flowers, music, spring and I am very fair and kind..I think?

Am I

Am I just an afterthought?
In the game of life.
Am I the mermaid at sea, caught?
Who lost her soul to love.
Am I the woman in the woods?
Surrounded by wolves about to cull.
Am I the one whose mocked?
Pushed around, forgot.
Am I the one whose missed?
Deeply in his heart.
Am I the one whose love?
Tears his soul apart.
Am I the one who warms him, each time he sees my face?
Or does he look at me and wonder.. what a disgrace.
Am I the one who echoes daily in his mind?
Or has he detached so much, all that's left is a mime.
Am I the one who beats, daily in his heart?
Or has he cut the cord, pulled the veins apart.

I miss beloved...

Leaves

Time to let it go;
Like an autumn leaf,
Twisting to and fro,
Yellow and dying,
Turn into dust, relieved
That its death has come.
Even though the falling - is one of glum
And overcome.
For the leaf has been beaten,
Trod on, shattered, battered.
In the heart of its veins -
Once bore fruitful life,
Such hope, anticipation
Such cause for celebration,
The leaf has been left -
On the side of the road, not an evergreen,
Not seen, or shiny
But freyed, grimey and worn.
Unlike the new leaves -
That are born -
Into new life;
Blossomy fruition,
Bud of recognition.
Beauty of youth.
Fresh and untorn,
Bright, unworn.
The leaf crumbles and parts,
Veins break away from its heart.

Jaded journey

I'm in a car with a person, a woman, who I do not know. She drives me through what seems like a large canyon, greyish in colour, desert like, but with the most amazing lake of the beautifullest colour jade you could ever wish to see. She parks the car and I walk to the lake's edge and breathe in its beauty, having an urge to dive into the depth of this jewel and let it carry me away. A motorbike pulls up with a female passenger, young lovers I guess, who are embarking on their loved life. They both step away from the motorbike and the female of the two, dives into the water and swims, he later joins her and they seem blissful.
We set off again in the car and end up in an old dark room, with lots of people playing old musical instruments. The atmosphere is beautifully serene.
I'm then sat outside looking up at beautiful old church on a very steeplike cliff, with a little girl playing close to the edge, my heart jumps each time she comes close to the edge of the cliff, for fear that she will fall off the edge of the cliff. The church is in of all places Derby..the beautiful place with the lake is 7 miles out of Derby!
I'm walking around my derelict workplace, old wooden desks, bureaus and an auction. I want the bureau and one of the desks that is covered in people's p[ast time graffiti.
My dream ends there.....

Why???????

OK, so I've had a little bit of time to contemplate stuff. I'm actually questioning why a person would forget a touching moment and indeed always a lively event such as New Year's Eve; Indeed to be called at 3am in the morning, a person seemingly very happy to see you, then the gift of offering so much physical and emotional love and affection to a person, is difficult to contemplate when someone forgets this dear, dear me.. Well, I'm thinking hard and my conclusions lead me to the following thoughts and reasons:

1. The person was extremely drunk/wasted and has no memory
2. The person detached his emotion from the event
3. The person's brain is not wired up the same way as mine is and thus may experience some sort of memory loss.
4. The person is experiencing some confusion about many things and has genuinely forgotten


I always try to understand the 'why' of a given situation and indeed try to make sense of it. Granted I was very angry and upset the other night about the words I heard because sincerity and honesty are virtues that I've always held as important to me and the friends/lover I choose.
I'm mad at myself for being upset and shouting but at times like this, these sort of denials are really upsetting and make you feel like the event was unspecial, unimportant, untrue. This is why I'm upset.

I do hope that one day I'll talk to beloved about this but I feel that I'm best having a little time out because he has a new girlfriend which, as much as I try not to, I can't help but feeling sad about it, selfish reasons of course on my part..I find it hard to even talk about her with him, which means that I should take time out and step back. I want for him to be happy in his life but I guess when you see a person you love with another, it makes you feel sad and lonely inside.

I think this week is one for quiet contemplation and reflection. I always have had love in my heart for beloved and deep down, I feel he has for me, but he chooses his path for reasons that are understandable but still, this doesn't make it any easier. Oh dear, what a quandry and I'm sorry that my last few posts have taken so much of this sort of energy but I just have to feel like I can get things a little off my chest....
Sometimes, I think I really should've been born into a different period of time..

A feeling of hurt

It's amazing that things which to you are special, seem to mean nothing to another person. By this I mean special moments and time spent. It makes me realise the distance of two people, even though you thought you were close, is possibly not the case for the other person; for special memories and moments shared would be also stored in their mind, memory and heart. I guess it just reinforces to me ever more, that you never really know anyone that much, or what you did think you know, is all an illusion..I think it's time to be truer to myself, realise that I've been living ...

In a dream and a delusion,
understand that I'm not wanted,
leave the path for him to walk down - his new love,
Who he loves, plans, plays,
clear the debris of me in his life
and let him be free,
of me,
truly,
let me be the dying ember of what once was
A burning fire of love
Desire.
Let me slowly burn away
From his memory
Today,
In his memory am I, no part
In his heart....

I also had 3 really emotional dreams this morning, I guess this was due to last night's episode when at beloved's..it upset me and I felt shocked that I have such a tiny, if any, part in his heart.
One of the dreams I was running and hiding under a table with others, avoiding sprays of bullets from Chinese soldiers, whilst all around me people were bleeding to death. Hmm fuck knows what that's all about and what it all means..

Rehabiltation..

Rehabilitation is the only way forward in this life for those who have often suffered at the hands of others before they themselves caused great suffering. When humans continue both physical and mental violence to each other and a law system perpetuates this, then we'll never see people rehabilitate;Take the US system as an example and the death penalty.

Some people are that broken down by their past experiences and life, that rehabilitation may seem unthinkable, undoable. We as humans really must have faith in enabling others to move foward in their lives and not look back in their lives for this only brings pain, suffering, distress;emotional blockages. We must also learn to forgive people and indeed empathise with those who endured the most tragic and debiltating of circumstances.

Tonight my heart goes out to all of those people in the world who've been born into a life that has brought great distress, sadness, violence, harm; I wish for these people to be free of pain and suffering and to lead a life that brings happiness, calm and peace.

Clouds of solace

Today I went on a bike ride to the cemetary where my Mother's grave lies. The weather was cloudy, grey and coldish but there was a beautiful stillness in the air. I emptied the old, dying flowers from the pots on my Mum's headstone and replaced them with some new flowers. Gypsophelia, my Mum liked these tiny, white, pretty flowers, so do I and some pale pink carnations which she also liked. Carnations? I remember a sweet conversation about beloved's grandfather, who loves carnations and had even bred a new strain...how creative and sweet is that?
Anyway, I sat in quiteness in the cemetary, not a soul in sight and enjoyed the serenity around me. Graveyards really do make the mind wonder and I always get a weird sort of ethereal feeling about life when I spend time in them..
Anyway, I then visited my Dad and had a nice chat about his new black, lead woodburner, truly cosy is this woodburner. It's funny cos if my Mum saw the mess in her front room now, she'd swear! My Dad's a complete HOARDER! Books, magazines, videos, newspapers, antiquey bit, wood, logs, victorian lace type coverings on his chairs, he's like an old hippy that never got the chance to be..Bless him and my Mother.
I cycled home and thought about Friday night and how lovely it was to see beloved,even though he asked me to go back to his and I refused, I felt this was best cos I don't want him to feel under pressure now that he has a new girlfriend in tow..dear me a situation that's tragic for me really, when I really think hard about it..
Anyway, today was good and left me feeling at peace with world around me but I miss my Mum, I miss beloved.

Magicness

In dark, around music, he stands,
My heart jumps, as I take a glance.
Never before has magic moved its mystical ways
As it does, when around him, I play.
Just to be in his presence,
Life makes sense.
The world is alight,
With sparkling beams, in-sight
Pure golden white.
And when he goes,
The magic in the air slows,
To a point of nothingness,
Night becomes meaningless...
For the longing in my heart,
Never departs,
Never leaves him...
Does he really ever realise this?
That the world with him is a rarity, true bliss.
His heart, his presence, his soul
The whole of me?
Makes me see -
The world through magical eyes,
Beauty all around, I find.
He is my magical energy,
Growing constantly,
Forever will be.

So, this poem was wrote because of someone who still remains in my heart..even though the world turns and we grow older, he always holds the most warmest and lasting of place.
Tonight, two years ago (although the date would've of course been different) I spent a very, memorable, beautiful time with him and then faced the death of my mother the following day. On some level, I think he felt as though he was cursed and that bad things happened to me because of him, which of course is, as I told him, ridiculous!
He's a person who I feel the most unisual connection with and he brings a touch of magic when he's in my world. Today feels special, being with him feels special, deary me..

Anyway tomorrow will also remind me of the day my mother passed, two years ago. I plan to visit her graveside and lay some flowers in her honour and remember the loveliness of her and her huge heart that was always open to me, wherever I was physically and emotionally.

Love of photograhs and photography

Tonight I've been watching an excellent programme called 'Genius of Photography'. I've always been interested in photos and looking at what lies beneath the image. Tonight's programme introduced me to two new photographers whose work I really enjoyed looking at. These artists were Nan Goldin and Larry Clark, both realists and photographed the darker sides of life in many respects..indeed, what lies beneath surburbia, so to speak.
I remember being a small child, visiting my grandma and each time I went, I would ask her if I could look at her photo album. I loved looking at the pictures and wondering about the people in them, I loved the timeless capture of people in a given moment.
I guess tonight has inspired me to remember to take my camera with me, wherever I go..to picture what I see. I'd love to do a photography course and one day I will, yes I really will.

Maybe I should photo the Anti Iran invasion protest on Saturday? Hmm could be good...

End of an Era

It's weird when I think about the last three or so years; the death of my mother, the break up of my son's Dad and I, nowhere closer with regards to a certain love situation.
Today though, I spoke to my son's Dad via the phone, who for the last year and 3 months has spent his life sofa surfing, on different people's couches and praying for a miracle to be rehoused.
Yesterday, his miracle was answered. He's been offered a place all of his own..when he told me this I felt happy and relieved for him. Yet another part of me felt sad in that it's the end of an era really. Although we've been physically and emotionally split up for a long time, we've still had a lot to do with each other due to him staying at mine to look after his son and indeed as a last option place to stay..I guess in many ways I've been hoping so much for this but when it finally happens, a weird sense of mixed emotions have dawned on me. We'd been unhappy for a long time before we actually split and were living very separate lives but when the final crunch was decided, we both realised it was harder than ever on a financial level to get things moving.
Anyway.....

The good news is, his place isn't too far away which means when Jake reaches an independent enough age, he can take his bike and use the cycle path all of the way, to visit his Dad's place. His Dad will still be able to have an active role in his life without having to come here to do so. I guess both of our lives will now move on to what ever direction they find. I guess the end of this era of my life is finally closing..

Remembrance

So two years are nearly here,
Reminding me, you were near,
When I lost part of my life force
As nature took its course -
One loved life departed,
Whilst two lives entwined, openhearted,
A stop in the space of time,
Later morning a hazy mime -
Of mistiness, grey, dumbfound..
Lost in a world without sound.
A sorrow so surreal;bizarre -
Body in the present, yet away so far.
Not knowing how to cope,
Envisioning a sturdy long rope.
The need to talk to beloved,
Fell the warmth, soft and rugged.
New life possibility played,
Shock of life force erased.
On show for the final farewell,
My heart plummeted to deep hell,
Pain inside impossible to quell.
Soul reappeared, reassured,
Aura enlightenment transformed.
Psychic life force always there,
Soul's still active; taking care,
Guarding me safely to shore,
Loving me spiritually evermore..

Kundun..

I went to meet some friends last night for a drink, to which I started to feel tired and unsure whether to go to a club. I ended up at a reggae night but just wasn't feeling the vibe. My mind wondered off to think about beloved and text him. He's been ill recently and is recovering as quick as possible to get back to work. I don't know why I texted him but I guess I just started to miss him really, as I guess I always have done and will.

I left the club at 2am..early for me but I was ready for my bed.

Friday eve was better. I sat and watched another favourite film of mine - Kundun by Martin Scorcese;beautifully filmed and an interesting documentary in many ways about the life of the Dalai Lama..It saddens me so, to think about how Tibet is still being oppressed by the Chinese occupation of Tibet.I also wonder what will happen and who will be the 14th Dalai Lama's predecessor? How will the monks find the next Dalai Lama..I know in the past they looked for signs to lead them to the Dalai Lamas, but now that Tibet has changed so much and China has so much influence, it just makes you wonder. Maybe the next Lama may be Chinese, sent to eradicate the oppression and torture that continues..this wou;d be a dream come true in many ways for Tibet and indeed for the people who want a return to their spiritual homeland..
Anyway Kundun - meaning first Dalai Lama, is a wonderfully filmed piece of cinema..the scenes and music are to die for. Phillip Glass's music suits the film immensely as does the fantastic chants heard throughout of Buddhist Monks.
Truly wonderful experience..

Surprise Surprise

So 8.20am this morn, I receive a call from my friend Gangsta man as I call him. He isn't a gangsta but he is a man. Anyway, rather taken aback, I had a chat with him about what he's been up to -

New job
New radio show
Uni
Possibility of researching stuff for his dissertation in London

I had to make the chat short due to me being in a ruch and needing to get ready for work to which he asked if I'd ring him later..So, I rang him later today and had another chat with him that wasn't as rushed as the previous one. Seems like he's doing good at the moment and working hard at uni and in his job, which is good for him.
He invited me over soon, this I said, I'll let him know. Blimey, it's amazing how new days bring about new happenings. He made me laugh when he said
'I'm a single man, I do my own thing'

Men, some of them make me laugh. Some of them get so wound up and worried when they think about women and relationships. They really ought to lighten up a little, they really should!
So, we'll see what the week brings I guess..

Raged beloved

A ridiculous, wrathful poem that needs no understanding whatsoever but just spewed forth outta my sad, ragey heart..what the fuck does he expect when he tells me such things? I am allowed to meet new people when he offers me NOTHING, ZILCH, THE MORSELS. I'm supposed to be grateful eh? eh? Egotistical bullshitty crapness!


So fuck you, screw you,
Move you,
Relocate you, Go on.
To happiness, love, laughter?
Rain, loneliness,
Happy ever after.
Industrial landscapes,
Dying skyscrapes.
Dream about Morrissey
How romantic,
You pedantic Shit,
Oh I could hit
The wall,
Stupid girl.
Fall.
'I must escape',
he said.
'You deserve better',
I bled.
sincere denies?
Doesn't want me to cry?
Didn't he ever believe,
Depth of my love - what a heave -
When he found another -
Whom his love it seems,
He'll smother?
Fuck you -
In your northern sky
I hope the rain never dries.
All along was it guilt?
Rocky road treatment; all the jilts?
Religious fearful fervour,
Made him uncannily nervous,
Got to the best of the psyche?
Couldn't take the daring hike,
With a girl like me,
So scarily wild and free.
The desiring fallen angel;
Molten devil's child.
What would the parents think?
Heavens on earth!
She's older, two kids
Dear me! Give her a wide birth.
Two different gene pools,
Dear lordy lord,
Different blood beating from the umbilical cords.
His yearning for kids?
Pass on his genes?
Family proudness,
Not cheap woman loudness.
Didn't he ever really know,
I'd have burned for his foetus to grow,
Deep down inside of my womb,
Before it turns into a dark, grey tomb,
Of wintery coldness within,
The dying protector of sin.
Sunday school madness,
Selfish, guilt ridden badness.
Pretend to be nice?
That will suffice.
It'll help ease her pain,
Thank God she didn't go insane!
She's such a wonderful friend
Tragic war torn
Her END.

Weekend Rundown

A cold, bright, funny, hectic weekened has been had. A party in Birmingham on Saturday night, proved funny and rather boozy really. Met some sweet people and enjoyed the fireworks on display.
The journey back to Nottingham was slow, tiring and stuffy..but I had many laughs with my friend along the way.
Last night was Jello Biafra, as radical and anarchic as ever. The rants contained such issues as:

Global warming
Iraq and the ensuing Iran war
The Dead Kennedy's split
Arnie Terminator and his ridiculous policies
Oil and utility companies profiteering on poor people
4 wheel drives and their ridiculousness
The need for people to protest even more now than ever
Communication and how this is changing the world
Multi nationals and the issue of globalisation
Great piss taking of George W.
Torture and Guantanomo Bay attrocities
Pop idol and reality TV dumbing down

A truly inspiring night which reminded me that it's good to know people do care about the issues that are affecting us on a worldwide level..

Time to knuckle down and get cosy inside with this cold winter weather we're having..it's very beautiful though to see the frost and sunshine, truly beautiful.

Jaded Mermaid

True love doesn't die,
Or asks why..
It simmers, boils, shakes,
Keeps the maid often awake,
In the head,
Through the thoughts
It travels,
Unravels,
The mysteries of the heart,
Remain intact - always a part -
Of how you feel,
Inside revealed
Naked.
Trephinning the soul,
Of the maid.
Unleash continuous thoughts?
The mermaid at sea caught?
Energy abort..
Did the mermaid know in reality?
About love's insanity.
Thus the water does flow..
The sea and mermaid
Does grow -
A wisdom of detachment,
Not continuous re-enactment -
The mistake of the mermaid,
Lost herself slowly faded.
Into the sea
Jaded....

This weeks observations

Housing? Ain't it a massive problem? My ex went to get a home today but someone had beat him to it cos they put the money down before him..he was sad, I was frustrated but I guess the system we're in is one that only lets money talk. Shit really. Apparently, the person renting the accommodation out will be in touch again soon when another tenancy becomes available.


Beloved has been in touch. Asked how my trip was and whether I'd like to pop by, this would be lovely I'm sure..I won't be talking to him about his new girlfriend though. I don't want to know. Is that ignorant or is that just putting my defences up? Yeah, it's the latter..I try not to be jealous cos it's a negative feeling and I don't like to feel this but I guess it's just a natural feling when strong feelings are part of the equation - not very buddhist though. Hmmmm
Copenhagen? OK, I've been on a scnadinavian rant all week long. I posted a letter to my Greenland Inuit friend, Ungman and I wait to hear a response from him, should be sweet. My mates commented about how they noticed there were hardly any CCTV in Copenhagen. We live in one of the most watched and paranoid society really when you think about it.
I've booked to go to Copenhagen again in December. Can't wait and I'll be Xmas shopping whilst out there and this time, bringing back some lovely Danish food.

Tomorrow I've been invited to Birmingham to a big party. last minute decision to go but cheap to get there, booze and a bed provided. Sounds fun and should be a laugh.

Sunday, I'm off to see the wonderful Jello Biafra in Nottingham. Oh, I can't wait to hear his spoken word and radical anarchic ranting.

I'm very happy people, Copenhagen and my friends have been a healing force..life's moving nicely...

Sparkles glitter

The love for beloved goes on,
He urges me to always move on,
Even though he's with me everyday,
In my thoughts
My heart,
My soul,
My holistic me,
With him I'm free.
Maybe the energy's always too much,
Too strong,
Maybe I'm wrong,
Have been all along.
Now?
Warmth, love, touch, heal,
Is what my soul does feel.
Fly girl fly,
Don't let love make me cry,
Let love bring a shine,
A radiance so bright,
Full of sparks, glitter,
Shimmery stars that flitter
Around my aura of gold,
Let a loved one behold.
The beauty in me forever..

Man of cold with heart of warmth

He walked in, Sat in my space,
I looked at his face, beauty unerased.
A face shimmering sunshine, radiating light,
Golden warmth, heavenly bright.
Hair so black, long and bold,
From a northern land, where life's ice cold.
A tribe where problems are unruly and rife,
Struggle to get used to the modern way of life.
He said of me that I'm 'meget smukke',
Beautiful very! Poem from a book.
He smelled my hair, next my skin,
a deep, sincere breath from his land within,
A smell so delightful,
He said of me,
A man so open and insightful.
I feel him to be.
A smile that lasts forever and stays,
A presence that warmed, when I sat in his space.
A wish to be friends,
To see me again,
This friendship I feel
Will have warmth and no end.

The two sides of me

I was having an interesting chat with my ex about how I wonder about my personality; one side is wild, untamed, free, angry, fun loving, impulsive, obssessive whilst the other ponders stability, calmness, quiet.

My impulsive side right now is urging me too book another flight to Copenhagen before Xmas, which will be done I'm sure. My sensible side is saying, you really should not overspend. Fuck it!!!The flights are £60 if I book now...what do you reckon people?

I'm afraid I've been enchanted once again and need to act out my escape fanstasies away from reality and Britain. So, here's to another trip SOON!

A feel of warmth and love

So today I've been reflecting about my wonderful weekend. What happiness and feel of love was all around me. I wrote a letter to Ungman, my beautiful Inuit friend who I really want to keep in contact with..I've not met many people who have a real warmth about their psersona but this man really did, in some ways, he reminded me of my mate's Spanish boyfriend who's one of the most endearing and warm men you could ever wish to meet.
I remember Ungman telling me he thought I was 'so sweet'. I guess he put the feel of happiness and golden thoughts in my mind and heart a little..which in many ways has been an unexpected welcome really.
I think about beloved daily but I know he denys me and chooses another path which to him, feels the right thing to do for whatever reason; this forces me to therefore close down on some level and compartmentalise and detach. Whether he'll be truly happy with the choices he makes, time will tell. Maybe I was always wrong, I didn't think I was, but who knows?
I'm planning on going to Copenhagen again soon, maybe after Xmas, maybe for Easter or even maybe for a weekend again soon to meet up with mates and the new found Greenland friends. This would be lovely.
I forgot how warm the Danes are, how genuine and caring they are. How honest and open they are. I feel grounded again about my recent experience and I feel that I've been reminded again about the person who I really am.

Wonderful Copenhagen you still hold my heart..

What a wonderful, long weekend I've just experienced in Copenhagen. Truly delightful, wonderful, refreshing, liberating, cathartic, happy, ecstatic.....My friends loved it. As expected, we did everything we planned to do and had very little sleep due to late nights out and socialising. I met some lovely people; Mathilda and Joakhim from Sweden, Pauline, Anne Liese and her lovely friend, an Inuit man called Ungman from Greenland. This man radiated the most beautiful loveliness, as warm as a golden sun and seemingly has a big heart. I guess I'll be keeping in touch with Ungman, as he now lives in Denmark but visits Greenland on occasion and wanted to keep in contact with me, even though we only spent a small time chatting about different things, he also told me that I was 'meget smukke' which in Denmark means 'very beautiful!' Blimey...A dear man for sure..It'll be nice to have a penpal to write to again!

The transport system in Copenhagen is just as good as I remember it and even better now the Metro is in operation..quick, efficient, easy to use, on time and clean..

Anyway, here's a little picture story...


My son's Grandparents


The beach next to their house in Karlslunde


In a rather 'high' state after the Woodstock, Christiania memorable, mad hashish experience - (this place was like the Wild West full of festival casualties gone wrong who never went home again but partied forever instead!Mad people, mad night)Sadly, I couldn't take pictures of the new people I met because Christianittes (people who live there) are often suspicious of people taking pictures in Cafe/bars etc, due to the police problems and dealers still openly selling hashish (outside certain cafes) even though the government has closed down the main, what was once a semi legal dealing area. Sadly this means that hash is being sold in the city whic is causing problems with turf wars etc, whereas on Christiania, this wasn't a problem cos each person who sold, respected their fellow seller!


Speaks for itself really...


Taken from the aeroplane just above Denmark.




The park/playground where my eldest son used to play as a 3 year old when I lived in Denmark - Skudderbanen, in Vesterbro, formally a workers area of Copenhagen.


Old mural in Vesterbro against Scandinavia joining the EU.


Friends..





A beautiful house that lies in Christiania Free State right near Copenhagen



Mirror mosaic in the grounds of Christiania


Political poster against the liberal conservative Danish Governments' wish to close down Christiania and use the land for development


Granite wish sculpture


More houses in Christiania

I felt sad to leave this morning and as always, pondered the possibilty of one day moving back...times have changed and situations are different but I guess if it's meant to be and I'm meant to live there again then so be it. I do so love my English mates here though and would truly miss them if I did move back there. Once I was back in UK though,as the frost began to lift, I remembered what I also love about England..I feel lucky, alive and honoured to have experienced so many wonderful things in my life..

Worn Glove

Why do we waste our years
On one with whom we love?
When really we should know better
If the going's always tough.
For those who truly love us,
Want to spend time and years,
Instead you're left to cry;
Drown in sorrow and tears.
A new love, they search,
Of which you are never a part,
For they love another better,
Open wide to them, their heart.
The fool?
Left alone; empty.
Devoid of any love.
Thrown away; an object,
Tossed aside; old glove.
Glove that's seen shimmery evenings,
And sparkles that once shone bright,
The glove has lost it's sparkle,
Love has lost its fight.

Re-establishing my Danish Memories

I've been recently busy with finding out about where my friends and I are gonna frequent when we're over in the land of Vikings. Thus far, we fly to Kastrup, Denmark's Airport and then I've decided that we should catch the train rather than the tube to the city centre and head to a cafe bar for a few drinks to summon ourselves after out flight. I then thought it'd be a good idea to maybe walk to my mate's apartment in Frederiksberg - which is located right near the lakes, just outside of the main centre of Copenhagen;this will give my mates a good chance to take in the scenery and get familiar with the location.
In the evening, we're gonna head into the city for food and a catch up with my friends.
Thereafter, Friday we've planned to head into the Copenhagen for wandering and taking in the city itself and a visit to the The Glyptoteket museum of modern art, Christiania and Christianshaven.We hope to loan the 20 kroner city bikes assuming they've not been locked away for winter.
In the evening, we plan to head to the Norrebro area (big alternative area where the recent riots occured concerning the closure of Ungdom's Huset)We hope to see some live music and experience the Danish DJs in Stengade 30..God knows what this night will bring.
Saturday? A visit to Louisiana and for me, a visit down the coastline to Karlslunde to see my son's family and eat with them..
In the evening, a chilled one as we have to get up REALLY early to catch the plane home..
Sa folk, jeg glaeder mig meget til at besoge Danmark igen og taler Dansk med venner igen. Horrah!

Wonders of technology

So, I get an email from an old flame in Denmark today. Great to hear from him and the plan is to meet up for a little while for a drink. He's now a happily married man, with a couple of kids, be great to see how life's been treating him cos I haven't seen him for a good 19 years! Blimey.. I don't think it'll be at all weird though, our relationship back then was pretty wild and although we were extremely alike in personality, we clashed horrendously and used to argue about the most silly things. I guess we were both pretty headstrong and didn't like to back down. He went out with a girl I knew once we split but then missed me and wanted to get to get back with me by which time, I'd met my eldest son's Dad..ahh the concept of timing and how it changes things eh? Be great to see him anyway and maybe meet his wife and kids depending on what's what in their life.

Receieved a text today from beloved, I guess he's having sweet times with the new girlfriend, I feel jealous about the whole thing but I'm trying to keep as cool as I can..apparently he watched a film that I like last night. I assume this was a cosy affair between the two of them...always is I guess.

Anyway, misery aside, I'm getting more and more excited by the minute for Copenhagen..I'm gonna try and look at the job situation out there, just out of interest..and I'm definitely planning another visit out there either in Feb or April of next year..who knows where my future will lead me. One thing's for sure, beloved it seems is choosing his destiny and I guess it seems, is happy with this..

The week that was....

OK, so here's a few pictures of my stay in Edale, Derbyshire. I had such a wonderful time;it's amazing how a change of scenery really puts life into all perspective. We did some good walks and I met some sweet people. I almost killed myself when climbing up a steep bank from a river and almost toppled backwards onto a slate ground..could've been lethal I guess but I guess my calling from the cosmos isn't quite yet, as was proved on Thursday!

I went to visit the person whom I love eternally on Friday..we didn't discuss what's going on in his life but I feel things are moving on now for him and his new girlfriend..hence me keeping a low profile.It's mad cos it always feel so special to see him and yet the time spent is so very short in the grand scheme of things.

This week I'm off to Copenhagen - I CAN'T WAIT!!! I'm truly excited and can't wait to see this excellent city again.

I've not been writing much poetry recently, I don't know why this is but maybe I'm having a dry patch..I hope the lust for it returns again soon.

Autumnal visit to my solace

Edale, again you are here,
this lovely time of year,
I cleanse my soul,
You make me feel whole.
You wash away my troubles,
And my strife -
Give me a reason to be here,
In this life.
But Edale why can't you swallow me?
In your beauty -
And comfort?
Keep me a prisoner of your energy,
Never let me return -
Nature yearn..
For the souls of humans,
Aren't obviously for me,
Edale bathe me in your solace -
Let me be free..

The Olympics Farce

How can I and others in our population and around the world, support the Olympic farce? After watching Unreported World on Channel 4 last night, it revealed what lengths developers are going to, in order to create 'plush like' apartments ready for when the Olympics are held in Beijing; families forcibly and under duress being moved from their dwellings, tortured for failing to agree to relocate (bearing in mind many of these people have lived in this accommodation all of their life) People beind detained illegally, old people being beaten up.
This is horrific! I really can't engage myself in such a riduculous farce as the Olympics for this reason. I honestly feel that people around the world involved in the Olympics, sportsmen, organisers etc etc, should boycott it for the above reasons. Surely this is a humanitarian issue that needs further addressing and indeed investigating further.
I take my hat off to the reporters who undercovered this footage and I prey for the poor people who are being forcibly manhandled for the sake of 'national pride and competitive sports'. I know some of you will argue that this is progress, innovation, will bring much needed money into the area but hell, when people's lives are ruined for the sake of shiny, short termist, pathetic facade of riche, then I want no part of it. Capitalism sickens me so much at times..

The Visit

So, the Psyche's beloved Squatter came round to my house for a short while tonight and how lovely it was to see him. If I ever, ever in the future had a relationship with him on a serious level, I'd write things to him - cos I know he responds well this way..anyway, thinking and fantasy aside, I know he has to do what's right for him and his life right now..There's always very deep feelings though for me, where he's concerned..
It's weird, I still get those weird feelings when I'm around him..I wonder whether he ever feels the same or whether it's all in my head? Silly me!

I look at his lovely face and I just see the real him, the sensitive soul that I know and always have known, that he is..Gosh. How he's changed with time and yet underneath it all is the same man I met way back in February 2005!

Anyway, I'm starting to come down with a blummin cold or virus of sorts so my post will be not very well written I guess tonight, cos I don't have much energy and I need to sleep off this ensuing cold!

Temptation over Sensibility

After my ecstatic Underworld experience on Sunday, I've had a huge urge to go and see them again. My friend and I were talking about going to London to see them at The Roundhouse this Friday - luckily we've been sensible and refrained due to
a. Long weekend in Copenhagen in 2 weeks
b. Finances

I've been listening to their new album - Oblivion with Bells and I have to say, this album is fantastic, really excellent production and gives me goosebumps when I listen to certain tracks, especially Boy Boy Boy, Beautiful Burnout and To Heal. My own copy is on its way to me as we speak, I await with excitement and enthusiasm.

Next week is half term holiday for me, to which I'm tempted to sod off out of the city for a few nights and get into the good old country air for lots of walking..Always refreshes me completely and then the week after that, I have my late 40th celebration in Copenhagen. I can't wait for this, I'm extremely excited about getting back out to Denmark. My friend is excited and I'm trying to contact my old friend Frans but can't seem to find his email address.
Although my firneds and I have made no firm plans, we aim to
- Visit Christiania for drinks, walking and live music
- Head northbound, along the coastal area to visit the Lousiana art gallery
- I will head south to the coast to walk beach comb,see my son's father and grandparents and maybe share a meal with them
- Eat out
- Wonder and stroll around Copenhagen city, especially Nyhavn, Norreport area and Christianshaven
- Take lots of photos of what I never got to take all of those years ago
- Breathe in the relaxed and fresh air that Denmark offers
- Contemplate so many things and try to find closure on some level which I'm sure will bring tears to my eyes.
- Walk in Bakken Forest, all being well.
- Enjoy the scandinavian autumn.

The world will feel wonderful when I'm out there, so much so, I doubt I'll want to come back but only to be with my kids and friends...

Beyond the Underworld

Wow! I went to see Underworld play at Rock City last night and they were truly amazing. I got goosebumps, felt like I had warm energy in my hands, felt hypnotised and wonderful by the whole experience!People were friendly and the atmosphere was to die for. If you ever get the chance, you really should go and see them, they are one of the best gigs I've ever been to!

This Saturday sees Highness Reggae night, always good and happy vibe. I've also received an extremely sweet email from my new Dutch activist friend, who's informed me about different things that are coming up soon.. He's only 24 years old but seems quite mature..he's been active in the Squatting scene in Holland and numerous other stuff which is all good and positive. It will be good to meet up again with him and the group he's involved with, all being well..

My ex and I have come to a really good space right now, we're getting on extremely well and he's being so very helpful, sweet, a true friend and a true understanding soul.

Life's feeling fantastic people..life in the light is something else.

Beloved? He's having his own bad times but it seems this is one reason why I find it increasingly difficult to be a friend to someone with whom you have strong feelings and shared intimacy with. Not easy and not good for me to hear about all of his personal stuff therefore I box and compartmentalise it away and try my best to ignore it. In my heart I want to be a good friend but it's almost impossible when feelings are still part of the equation. The fact that he actually introduced me to his then girlfriend, a few weeks back, made it clear to me that his feelings are no longer with me..and probably haven't been for a long, long time.

I think, in all of my heart, that men are completely scared and put off by the fact that I'm a single woman, bringing up two children alone and having a past. Men so it seems are threatned and embarrased by this. I say get real and stop living in the dark ages!!!!

Key to the Past

And so I sort
Through my belongings,
My purse,
The purse, you said;
"It's nice"
You liked -
Black and white,
Flowery,
Hint of Japanese?
Now the purse is
Dour, dull.
Then I find,
That card;
Bent, no longer crisp
Or hard,
Time has softened,
Colours reaaranged,
White to cream.
Your writing,
Small and fine,
Scrawled, exciting.
Excitement.
Those few years ago,
End of winter
Beginning of spring.
Heart aswing,
Passions anew.
I savoured that card-
With all of my heart,
That writing,
Those numbers,
The key to where
I'd find you,
Where we'd talk
Share,care,
Run, walk,
Desire, Love;
Specialness,
Memories;
Key to the past
Key to the heart.
Immortal card..

The Learning Curve

As mentioned previously, I've been reading a fantastic book called 'Living in the Light'. I can't emphasise how important and enlightening this book has been for me. Since I've been reading it and since my age turn to 40 years, something magical seems to have happened to me.
I've come to the realisation that I have to live each day as it comes. This has been a great learning curve for me as I'm very much a future thinking person..maybe I was using future planning and thoughts to deal with unhappiness and indeed, a tool for coping with stress and sadness.
I realise too that the universe, as I've always believed but find it hard to verbalise, does guide us to where we should be..
Sidetracking a little, a friend I went out for drinks and dancing with last night, discussed constantly her issues about the relationship she's in, which went around in circles.
I actually wanted to tell her to stop the rambling and let the universe and her gut feeling take care of the issues. If she has a problem about him that they can't seem to work out, then so be it, she shouldn't be with him.
I find it interesting that as humans, people feel they need to define themselves by the person they're with. For many people, this generally means being with a person who the outer world, thinks is attractive, right body shape, etc, etc, you get the picture. Also, by being in a relationship, a person's needs will, as many people believe and indeed use, be fed. I actually don't agree with this fact, as a use of other people..
Surely being with a person as both lover and someone you're sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with, it's not about needs at all but about a more deeper understanding and connection, a shared energy, passion, insight, love.. I really don't look at relationships in the sense that my 'needs' should be met. I should be meeting my own needs without another person having to meet them for me. I should be loving myself, without relying on others' love to define me. By loving myself, I feel love follows from others automatically anyway.

I said to my friend last night at the end of our long repititive conservations,

"What does your inner voice say? What does your gut feeling say?"

She knows all of the above but is scared to face these things, I fear. Like myself, a while back, I too felt like her but I had to be brave and face the truth..

Now? I'm happy, energetic, playful, light..my energy has been opened up again and I'm content to let my world turn to where it should be..

Where music takes me..

Tonight I've had a relaxed one at home, resting and listening to music;The Delagados, Emily Haines, Michael Andrews, Flaming Lips..all of these artists got my nostagia and happy memory juices flowing, so much so, tears overcame me..

I've also been listening to Bauhaus and one of my fave tracks by them is Mask. Really love the dirgy darkness, yet crystal clearness of this track..beautiful! My mind ran really wild whilst listening to Mask and started me thinking about facial Masks.
I've always had a bit of weird attraction to masks..I find them intriguing, exciting, playful, dark, scary, funny, erotic, so many more adjectives could be used to describe these wonderments! We all, I guess on some level, wear an invisible mask in our daily lives..only when we feel at ease and comfortable do we remove the mask..

Fruitful day

Slightly hungover today after my curry night with a mate and a bit of alcohol..
Went to meet the Indymedia contact, which all turned out interesting and informative. I hope to contribute to this organisation and I will try to attend their monthly meetings but childcare and the like, may be an issue.
The good thing is, this organisation works on a no pressure basis and acts as a form of collective, which is all good in my books. Discussed quite a few concerns re. housing, squatters, climate change and generally what is happening at the mo..It felt very easy to talk to my contact aswell, which was nice.
I texted the person I've spoken a lot about in my poems (beloved) but it seems he's not in a good place right now. I guess all I can do is offer support and understanding..I just hope he's OK and is maintaining..I still have deep feelings for him and I do miss him but since he met his new girlfriend I've felt it's best that I take a back seat and let him be guided to where he desires to be led.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get to night where Terry Hall (ex Specials Singer) and Don Letts are appearing, not quite sure what the agenda is regarding this but it'll be interesting all the same.

Here's to a good Friday people and I hope the universe is looking after those who suffer right now.

Floating in Cosmic Happiness

After my spiritual moment, a few weeks ago (the one where I saw a bright light in the shape of a head and shoulders - whom I thought was my Mum)life just seems to be so wonderful. The book I'm reading is verbalising what I feel to be true to my inner core and self..but is able to verbalise it better than I can..maybe? The words, in fact, make complete sense to me. I've been reading about loving yourself and letting the universal energy enfold to where it should do. Good stuff!

I'm also realising to let problems that may occur, wash over me, rather than getting bogged down in the mire. Whatever is meant to be in my life, will be. I will reflect the parts of me that I essentially am.

Anyway, I've had a good if not tiring week. Tonight I'm meeting a good friend to eat in the city, she's been rather ill recently but is now better and thus, will be good to see her again.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet someone involved with Indymedia, to find out where/how I can be of help; be it writing, researching, typing, etc..just to help an alternative source of information to the public, excites me! Please check out this link if you have an interest in alternative forms of media reporting.



I may also meet up with another friend for a preview showing of an Ethiopian Artist's work..luckily, my mate is an artist and thus, has a ticket to get into this show. Early show but nice to see some art and maybe stay in the city for a drink before she heads off home..she has a lot to do tommorow night so I doubt the night will be a late one, unless I get other offers, it'll be an early night! I'll just wait and see what the universal powers throw at me.

This weekend? I'm off to an Underworld gig, CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I love Underworld but I wish the gig was NOT on a Sunday night..what a bad night for a dance music gig eh? I guess I'll need to be refrained on the substance malarchy!

So, there we have it, I'm floating in something that feels like a complete,cosmic happiness..

Here's to the future

What a wonderful weekend..had so much fun, if not a few challenges along the way, but the challenges have all been character building stuff and I've learned to realise that the universal energy is with me and guiding me in the right direction.

I've made a new aquaintance with someone, who's involved with Indymedia Organisation in Nottingham. I've always wanted to be involved on some level with Indymedia and thus, I'm meeting up with him on Friday to discuss how/what I could be involved with. It will be refreshing to be around a like minded person who seemingly shares the same political angle from where I'm coming from and who is proactive on some level. I await and look forward to it.

Just been reading about riots that have been taking place in Copenhagen regarding the closure of a youth organisation/centre..For more info about this



http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/03/03/world/main2533538.shtml
I'm off there myself in a few weeks time, so no doubt will hear a lot mnore about this, to which I look forward to..
Anyway, time to freshen up and bathe my weary body after last nights dancing action.

Highness

I've now been going to the Highness nights for quite some time and I must say, every time I go is always a wonderful experience. There's such a vibe of loveliness and happiness. People are always friendly and I leave this night always feeling that life's such a wonderful thing. I spent time talking to a random stranger outside whilst having a wee smoke -he made me laugh when he said he wished more women were like me..what a sweet compliment from a random stranger!

Anyway back to the wonderful music, the soundsystem controllers were really on a good one last night - as they always do, they built the music layers to a fantastic level that sounded not disimilar to Massive Attack's sounds - wow really cool.

My friend? Just to see him smile is something else..this person has an open face but there's a hardness about his exterior, however, crack the exterior to unleash his smile and my, the world lightens up around him. A truly changing persona smile for sure... I don't quite know whether he's as aware about this quality or what but it is definitely one of the lightness things about him.

Anyway, for all things musical check out Highness Myspace and see what you guys think.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=151578415

Out of nowhere?

So he texts,
Wonders how I am,
What I'm up to..
And we talk,
And I laugh
To which he gets paranoid -
Always paranoid.
But endearingly so.
I laugh because my mind wonders
Takes me to that night -
what a night.
Deary me, heavenly insight,
Hard exterior,
Boiling interior; Icelandic spa!
Heats up so far..
Mind wondering whilst in my meeting,
Wanting to text but feel like I'm cheating..
My professional role -
Can't end up on the dole!
And I think about that night..
Mid September -
Scared, excited, wondering, remember?
What does he look like?
I can't remember???
Then I remember why I softened,
Lovely smile -
Sweet and open;
the door to his heart, can it be broken.
Even though I fear he's shady,
Cagey, ragey - oh yes
This I know.
He told me so.
Doors and holes -
And anger and coals.
Light red hair,
Shouldered and shiny,
Fresh and clean,
Tall and smiley.
And I ask of him
The following morn
'Let your hair lie
Adorn your face',
To that he gives a sigh
Tries to pass it by.
But then out of nowhere,
He lets his locks tumble,
Before I leave,
His heart on his sleeve,
Locks do fall, cradle his smile
I waited all night -
It was worth the while,
Where will the text lead?
God only knows..
Time will decide
He'll no doubt confide.

As the day turns so do my arrangements...

Weekend nearly here and a busy one, so it seems, for me. I've been invited to go and see a reggae artist in Leicester, which sounds rather fun. Train there and then first train back in the morning or last train back in the early morning and then on to Highness night, sounds all cool and like a good thing to do on a Friday night. Hmm time'll tell I guess but the reggae sounds just great! Let me see what tomorrow brings I guess cos things can change from one day to the next in reality!

Stop wallowing woman.

OK, so the wallowing has GOT TO STOP! If people choose what they feel is best for them then so BE IT! Fuck it, I ain't waiting around for noone anymore. I'm out there to live my life as much as I can and stop letting the tyrants and rebels within me keep taking some control. I'm off to a birthday night this weekend and then Highness in a few weeks, whiuch should prove rather interesting, for one reason or another.

Wallooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow Ooooooooooooooooooooover!

Mound

Friends?
I say it's OK.
But it's not,
I have to be realistic,
A need for something more
Simplistic?
A love?
A life?
A togetherness?
Interconnectedness?
I guess it will never be -
How selfish of me..
To think it will?
Meeting another -
Is his game..
I'm not part of the equation,
In the quest for his lifetime salvation,
To which it seems, he's found.
He's climbed the rocky mound.
I guess he feels safe,
Content and sound; On the ground.
I tried, tried, try,
I lie, lie, lie -
To myself.
Bad for my health.
Hard for my heart.
Crush for my soul;
Feel so unwhole.
Let him go..
Leave him be,
Let him find beauty
In what he sees,
In what he loves.
In what he's found
High on his mound.
Where he's now crowned,
The fruit of new love.

Still water

So he moves,
Rushing water; a stream -
New love.
Future life -
Maybe a wife?
Who knows.
I? Me?
Stagnant water; dying lilly
In the pond of life,
Always dying,
Left behind.
Green to brown,
Left with a frown.
Water won't cleanse me
Or release me,
For my water stays still,
Always will?
Unmoved?

People's crap

Here I am again, posting after a restful weekend. What a change I hear you cry..no partying? no hangover? Indeed no.

My weekend consisted of chilling out and getting ready to go out Saturday at 9pm to then decide not to go out due to a bad headache! Instead I decided to read my fab book and get an early night (in theory). In practice this plan went tits up! I recieved a phone call after I'd just fallen asleep, from my son's Dad at 23.45pm, who was in my house at the time but playing stupid twat game. I told him to pack it in otherwise to F off, somewhere else.

I then received another call from a mate at 00.30am. Arggghh, she was quite pissed and pissed off that noione was going to where she wanted to go...AND YOUR POINT FOR RINGING ME WHEN I'M ASLEEP IS? She then went on to say I was selfish and a laod of other crap to which I asserted myself and remeinded her that our lives were very different and that I'd been through a lot over the past few years and that I do not accept being called selfish. The phone went dead! I then turned my phone off, fell asleep and was then woken up by my son's Dad and my eldest son playing loud music - 2am. I then faced verbal crap from my ex (too much alcohol had taken its toll on him). To which, I then frogmarched him out of the house and said to not come back. FUN AND FUCKIN GAMES EH?

I then went to sleep - by this time it was 3am. I should've gone oput and got absolutely hammered I reckon. I've decided, people who continiually drag me down, abuse me, take the piss, are going to be carpet bombed..best solution, all around I reckon. They really need to get a little more enlightened and get out of their fucked up egos!

So there you have it, an interesting if not stress laden weekend. Am I bovvered now? No I fuckin well ain't actually, in fact, I feel very at peace and like the world's a great place to be right now - How comes? You may ask..fuck knows but this book I'm reading is certainly a therapy! WOW!!!!

Mirror

If my life is a mirror,
Reflecting who I am,
Some parts of it need to be cracked,
And put together again.
The Mirror of my life,
Attracting parts of me -
That need to be destroyed
To leave me feeling free.
The masculine and feminine -
Both intuition and action -
A balance of the two
Will praise me with satisfaction.
The mirror of my life?
Dusty for far too long,
Blow away the dust
Bring forth a new, sweet song..