Complexities and the first leaf fall...

I saw my first leaf of autumn fall off a tree today whilst on a dinner break and how lovely to notice such things..it was from a young tree that was slowly shedding its leaves ready for the coming coldness. I love autumn and seeing this, makes me want to head out to the countryside and admire the autumnal colours..maybe next weekend could be a good idea if I can find a willing partner to come along with me!

So, it's my birthday on Saturday and I have nothing firm arranged. There was talk of a free festival in The Peaks that sounds ace but one of my friends who was up for driving up there, has a really bad cold so I think that idea is out of the question really. It looks like a night out in Nottingham, maybe a few drinks in Hockley and possibly a head down to The Highness night. Tomorrow night I'm out with dear friends for a curry to celebrate which will also be lovely to be around close friends. Friday, a swim and chill out at home I guess and maybe get cosy in my front room.

I've randomnly spoke to A and he's more than likely heading off to his Mum's caravan again this weekend, supposedly alone but who knows? Weird really that you can spend close time with someone and yet, they choose to head off on your birthday weekend which in retrospect is a person's own choice and thus shows me that I'm no importance really in the grand scheme of his life... So, I live my life accordingly!

Counselling again for me tomorrow which should be good and is indeed, turning many lights on for me.. I get on well with my counsellor and I definitely think she's the right choice for me.

Families? Don't you love them? My sister rang me the other day and spoke to me like a child - yelling and screaming at me purely because I asked my Dad if he was bringing his friend to his birthday meal in October; the friend is a woman and platonic friendship. I'm glad my Dad has a friend since my Mum's death but my sister ain't a happy bunny! I've decided that it's unfair of her to talk to me in that manner and tone - I'm not a child and neither is she! Dear me, people? They can be so complex and hard work at times..

I guess it's fair to say I'm feeling stronger and I guess jolly but there's still moments of sadness that creep in when I think deeply about certain things..and I guess that's why I try and keep my head on a lifted level if you get me, because I really can't ever sink to the really low depths again..I guess we learn a lot from sinking so low in truth.

So here's to a birthday of undisclosed age and time to be around sweet friends.

Overwhelming feel of Love and weird vision

Is it just me or do other people get profound moments when they feel a deep compassion and empathy for others? Sometimes, I also feel that maybe I should be doing some deeper work with people and their emotions..I know I'm extremely understanding and often 'feel' what another may be feeling..not as in the physical sense as such but more whereby I feel a person's emotional pain..Like a sensory part of me picks up this from others..

I also had a weird moment again on early Saturday morning whereby I experienced a 'flashing of incident'..I don't know whether I'd started to dream or whether I was a tad comotosed as I had drunk a fair bit of wine and had knocked back a few Ouzo's, but I had an awful vision about a person wonderimg into A's flat and shooting all around with me having my head splattered all over the wall! Eugh, sounds gross I know and an awful experience but for whatever reason, I saw this in my mind and it was odd to say the least!

Also, a dear friend who I've been through quite a lot of rocky moments has once again cut the ties. I guess people choose to do things for whatever reasons but when I thought things were healthier and more easy going..it just shows that I was wrong about this which is a shame cos we've been through some thick and thin times and I've always been very understanding and always stuck up for this person. Hmm.

So, what with overwhelming love, splattered head across a white wall and a fractured friendship, what hope is there for my future??? ;-) One things for sure, I've endured a lot over the past few years and I know now that thus far, I'm coming out out alive at least - OK maybe a bit bruised and battered around the edges but still breathing!

Moment of clarity

Today, I had the most profund moment of clarity about life..I realised that I am free and liberated on many levels and I can do just as I like, indeed, within the realms of what being a mother entails of course.
I reminded myself that I don't need a any 'man' to define me. I also want a man who can be just as openhearted, giving, loving, caring, selflesss etc etc, as I know I am. I don't know where this feeling came from, but it occured whilst I was at A's flat; I read an interesting article in The Guardian yesterday in the Q and A section about John Waters who made silent films in the 60s and then went on to produce Pink Flamingoes and Hairspray. His idea bout love struck me when he said that his 'friends' love was the best - it lasts the longest'.
I liked this view because yes, all of my close and good friends have been there for me from day one and continue to fill my life with love and happiness without question and through thick and thin!

I also had a fleeting desire to head off out of the city for some country air again. Part of me feels like heading out to Edale for my birthday weekend - I love Edale in the Autumn..it's exhilerating and wonderful.I've semi planned other stuff with mates but to hell with it, I may just divert and head off out of the city with anyone who cares to head out with me..we'll see.

So A, he cooked me a lovely Indian meal and spent ages doing it, making everything from fresh ingredients and even hand made the chapatis! This was thoughtful, caring and sweet of him and pretty impressive too. There's something pretty sexy about watching a man cook especially when they spend so much time and energy doing this to please and ensure the taste buds are awoken! I spent many happy hours with him and always do, he makes me laugh and reminds me of how good it is to be in light and fun company!
This week is a hectic-ish one. I have a colleagues leaving do on Tuesday night in Nottingham. I also have a birthday meal with friends on Thursday and no fixed plans for the weekend as yet, so we'll see. It's also A's birthday so I'd like to do somethimg nice for him but no firm plans have been made as yet!
I also think my counselling is working well for me. It's making me think about many a thing and reflecting a lot about stuff..it sort of hurts my head a little afterwards but maybe this is why I'm also feeling moments of clarity and positivity!

Ho Ho Ho the beat goes on....

Ho, what a few turbulent days I've just had but nothing that can't be coped with or indeed, left behind.Not going to go into it but same old patterns of behaviour that frankly, I;'m bored to the back teeth of now.
Today I went for another counselling session, this was good, useful and very very productive. Issues that were raised made me think a lot about stuff with A.. and it was interesting for my counsellor to highlight a few things that resonated well. I also spoke to A after a few angry moments of communication wheeby, he rang me back staright away and we had a bit of a shout, anger fit but then it managed to calm down to laughter and understanding...So, I have an invite this weekend to dinner at his..I guess some bridges might be built along the way, or a good chance to chat about things that are bothering me and let him communicate his stuff, concerns to me to me and then maybe, we'll find some equilibrium somewhere! I guess we all fuck up along the way and do the most irratinal things at times but hey, we learn from irrational behaviour and we change this!

I still go back on my initial thoughts about him, the fact that he's able to look at himself and try to change things, this made me feel attracted to him initially and still does.

I also received my Benga CD! I love this guy's music - so sexy and heavy, if you like the Dubstep vibe I urge you to check out Diary of an Afro CD - Excellent tunage and I know A will totally be knocked over by it, so I'm gonna do him a burn and I reckon a night of heavy Dubstep, wine and homecooked food will be a welcoming end to the week and intro to a potentially wild and bassy weekend!

So much to look forward to....

Today, was my first interraction out in the e community, with learners again, after my 3 month period of illness away from work. I was working 1-1 with learners who really struggle with basic english. It was lovely to work in two different locations and met 3 new learners who hopefully, I will be able to help them on some level with their English, be it spelling basic words and personal details and maybe recognising new words to read..Bearing in mind these people have hardly any, or no understanding of spelling and reading words. They may indeed, be only able to read or recognise a max of 20 or so words! It was a pleasure to get to know these 3 men of whom were all very respectful and appreciative as I was learning about their own needs and difficulties. I guess these experiences do remind me once again about the joy of teaching others and hoping that I can make a positive change in their life on some scale at least. So, every Tuesday for me for the time being, is working with these 3 men..a young man and 2 elderly men..
It was also good to bump into an old colleague who works at one of the hostels that I'll be going into.I haven't seen him for quite some time and was good to have a small chat about things and catch up with what's been happening.
This weekend, the plan is to go camping.I hope the weather picks up but I guess if it doesn't then the trick is to just embrace the rain and take things as they come! I'd like to do some walking at least but time will tell.

Next week is my birthday. I plan to see friends for a meal and maybe do a club night but nothing is set in stone as yet again, time will tell! I also have Linton Kwesi Johnson to look forward to on the 6th October and can i wait? No I can't! It will be a true honour for me to see and hear this man's performance..I also aim to go to a fellow blogger's play called Zero, at the Lakeside Theatre in Nottingham. I have to plead with my son to babysit but I'm sure he'll be a dear and beings as though the play is on a week night and not much really happens in the week for the youts!

I've been reading Polly Toynbee's interesting article today about class in Britain and this was a pretty good piece with some good observations. I think much of the public forget that we have ever growing class divisions that continue to shape the lives of many people..whether people choose the ignore this is up to them but class is still very much an issue and one that in my opinion needs to be continually challenged in our 'modern' age! Ironically, I read in the same paper that a Director of a utility company had been given a 1mil pay rise! Now surely that should be enough to rise people out of the ghetto but is it? No it isn't! I guess when people are happy to continue to dumb down to celebrity shows, porn on the internet, meaningless TV programes then not alot of proaction is going to happen! For Christ sakes people, where are all of the radicals and reactionaries in this country? I wish they'd crawl out of the woodwork again and let the powers that be realise that enough is enough! Off I go then to watch some more porn! ;-)

Comin at ya full pelt

Like a train -
Comin at ya full pelt..
Building up speed
Pelts emotion into turmoil,
Wheels turning, turning,
Reminiscent of divine yearning -
Yearning..
Things move and change,
Some things?Can't be explained..
They move but they never...
Change.
For time moves and turns
But energy remains -
Drowns and pours with emotion,
Purely inexplicable

Lost in the rain.

Lost in the rain,
That feeling surfaces once again..
Haunting the emotions..

Shadow

Inconsideration -
A nation of selfishness,
Charged by the self
Egotistical.
Detachment,
False re-enactment,
Walk the solitary path,
With shadows,
Lost in the past..
Depth and love?
Exist in the realm,
Of magic -
Of energy..
A chemical reaction
Unspoken.

Festival High and Hometime Low

Had a wonderful end to the summer by the last minute decision to go to the OTT festival, which is always a good one. I felt I needed to get away and let my hair down especially because I have been constantly pondering the thought of the 'man' going away with his X this week. This is not a nice thought by any stretch of the imagination and although he's tried to console me about stuff, I just don't know.
It feels inconsiderate and uncaring really and because of this, my rebellious head kicked in and said 'party time'. AND, party time it was. I loved to see Dreadzone and Eat Static - they were amazing and Dreadzone still punch it out on a political level which is always a good thing..I hardly slept all weekend and thus, crashed at work yesterday and became all anxious about the man being away..as you can well imagine!
I guess this means that I may need to now detach really. I don't want further anxieties and worries, especially when ,my birthday is slow approaching..I want peace in my heart and my mind for sure.

I also felt low when I read the newspaper, dear me, an economic crisis that's the worse one for 60 years! I feel for those people whose businesses and homes are being swallowed up as we speak..the way we are living is so unsustainable and something really radical has to change, in my honest opinion.

One positive note, I go to se Linton Kwesi Johnson perform in October and I can't wait! I love this man and what he talks about. I love his politics, observations and challenges to the system and thank God for those who still speak out about unfair systems and practices..

So the man, what to do? I'm confused and I'm supposed to feel OK but it's not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination..and not a healthy feeling after the wonderful time I had at the festival.BAH!!!!

Ethical thoughts and dilemmas

In a quandry and confused, one could say. As a mother of two boys and a single parent, I sometimes get the feeling that people look down on me and indeed, when it comes to affairs of the heart, men don't want the 'baggage' that goes along with being a single mother. Fair enough, I say but I'm hardly on the lookout for a potential father for my boys - they both have fathers and both see their fathers regularly. I guess what I'm saying is, I sometimes get the feeling that women in this position are deemed as unworthy on some levels..

Also, is it ethical and indeed fair, for someone who a person may be sharing intimate times with, to be going away with their ex for a few days? I'd be interested to hear others' views about this because I don't think it's appropriate or indeed considerate of the other person's feelings. I know some ex's are good friends and the like but this just doesn't sit right..Hmm I look forward to your thoughts about this...
?????????

So the holiday is over and the wanderlust continues

So blogging has taken a backburner whilst I've been away on holiday in the beautiful Saronic Gulf of Greece. Agistri, the small island my son and I stayed on was beautiful, peaceful, traditionally Greek, slow and friendly.
I realise that we, in the UK live so fast and furious that at times, it's no wonder people get burn-out! The Greek way of life I have always admired; late eating, slower pace of life, a seemingly communal spirit.

I was nervous about travelling to this island, mainly because of the ferry business and connecting from Pireaus, when in reality, this was a piece of cake - shuttle bus directly to the port and (enormous and buzzing as Piraeus port is) find the correct ferry and then wait for said ferry! I liked the feel of Piraeus and some of the lovely old buildings! I'm not too keen on the more modern architecture but the old traditional Greek architecture, is truly beautiful!

My holiday consisted of much relaxation, swimming, cycling, sunbathing, reading, eating out and in, drinking and Greek dancing in a traditional taverna, meeting new sweet people, clubbing! Clubbing I hear you say with a child? Greek style island hoildaying allows this, it's true! I went to the club with some other people I met and their son and had a great time, the Greeks certainly know how to club! What an atmosphere! I was also invited by a very sweet Greek man and his wife, to accompany them back to Athens, to sleep at their apartment, which was a stone's throw from The Acropolis..I declined the offer mainly due to finances and the heat as my son was struggling a little with the VERY high temperatures..I though, loved it and do enjoy being in the sunshine although the shade is also refreshing to be in, when the goings gets so warm!

I also made a few contacts with people who offered me cheaper accommodation if and when I decide to revisit.. I'd love to go back out there at some point..I discussed with A the possibility of us heading over there for a week later this year but time and circumstances will tell on that score..I feel this travel has put many things into perspective and indeed reminded me that there's a whole wide world out there with many sweet, caring and generous people! I also did discuss English teaching work out there and it seems, private tutoring is big out in Greece..Hmm this thought keeps my wanderlust alive for sure..

Sadly and anxiouly I return to work tomorrow, I'm nervous about this, it has to be said but time will tell how I cope..I'm sure all will be fine but I guess it's been so long since I was there, anxiety does take over somewhat! Early night in order tonight and wish me luck for my first day back!

Saturday's Thoughts and Feelings

So I read today that a state funeral is planned for Thatcher! i can't think of anything more insulting to be very honest and really don't believe this woman is deserving of a state funeral! Check out the link about this but I ain't in no shape or form happy about it if this is granted and no doubt, many of the left leaning of the Brit population won't be either!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/jul/14/past.margaretthatcher

Tracey Emin is exhibiting in Edinburgh until November. I'd really love to see this exhibition; I think Emin is a fantastic artist. Not only does she have guts, nouse and talent, she also refuses money for work and I quote...

"Yesterday Emin revealed that she had been offered £1m to remake the tent, but had refused. The offer had come by way of the insurance company of collector Charles Saatchi, who owned the work at the time of its destruction. "I have never, ever done anything for the money," she said. Making the tent again, out of its time, seemed wrong. It feels needed here, to complete a circle; yet, at the same time, its absence is appropriate in an exhibition where so much of the material relates to loss, to the impossibility of memory's recovery, to an unrealisable desire to change the past.

I salute this woman wholeheartedly, as I also do regarding her view about love and sex..her description about making love replicates my own views about such an intimate act with another person and what a truly delightful account of how she feels on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. There aren't many in life who you meet whereby this feeling is apparent and when it is, it's pure bliss! I always feel that making love with someone is only right when the 'head' is truly into what is happening..without this, making love isn't making love but a mechanical, empty act..Anyway, read her wonderful description

"When I'm having sex and being fucked and I disappear into the ether and it's amazing, I feel like I am being crucified; and it makes me feel of Jesus and how he is supposed to represent love. When you really feel love for someone you go to another place - and that level of ecstasy could be heaven. There's nothing blasphemous about it - it's absolutely genuine. Making love and being in love are just fantastic. It should happen more often."

I depart the UK shores tomorrow for Greece and I 'm nervously excited! I want to see so much when I'm there but I also need to chill and kick back quite a bit. I'd love to get to see Hydra and Aphea on Ageana..we'll see!

Ease of light

That feeling,
Is here..
That depth
Appears.
Even though there's differences,
Uncannily -
There's an alikeness -
Like no other.
An understanding -
A willingness to learn
And be taught..
A love that isn't fraught;
Simple, unsought.
An ease of light,
Cheeky, sweet insights.
Naughty, playful bites,
Flying as high as a kite..
Complimentary..

To be continued/adapted

Cyberworld to reality

Life is what happens along the way.How very true. I'm spending less and less time in cyberworld and more and ore time in reality - much more fun. Cyberworld has its place of course in times of boredom and isolation but real life happenings are much more fulfilling!
I've had a good week since I last posted. I attended my firat counselling session. Was interesting and weird but gave me the chance to air a few things - however, this airing in some ways, left me feeling quite emotionally wrought for the rest of the day and put me in an odd mindset. I will continue though and see how things go although I have told the counsellor, who is very sweet, that I want a challenge and want strategy..not sure if she's getting what I mean but time will tell!

I spent much of my weekend doing just as I wanted - being with A. I visited him Thursday night and in some respects, I feel he got some of the counselling aftermath from me, which I guesss when the emotions have been opened up, they do come out at odd moments!
Friday, I went shopping for holiday things and thenagain, A decided to come to mine whereby I cooked us some food and we chilled outside for a bit..Saturday was complete laziness but utter bliss - bed, beer, takeaway, DVDs, playfulness, sleep!
Sunday, I had an arrangement with my good friend Michelle who is home at the mo on holiday. She currently lives in Mauritius and thus, was great to catch up. If finances allow, I will go and visit her out there next year but I'll do it alone without my kids because the flights are so expensive..assuming of course, that Jake's Father will be willing to look after Jake for a week to 10 days. Would be great to so something like this with A but time will tell. I do so love being around him. It feels easy, light, loving, fun, happy, jokey, pleasurable and sweet. It also seems that we manage to air out any issues that come apparent, which is good and I guess this is where honesty and good communication help.

Back to my friend Miche, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her and her partner and was lovely to catch up, share thoughts and suchlike. I think Mauritius is changing her but this is inevitable as once you leave a place behind, it opens up a whole new vision of the world.. and England does always feel so 'small' when you return - I remember this feeling after I'd lved in Denmark for a period of time.

A week to go until my wonderful Greece holiday - looking forward so much to it as is my son..A friend is happily staying staying in my house whilst I'm away to house and cat sit..and gives her a break from being in the inner city - which is pretty helpful for me!
I really can't believe that I've got such a wonderful holiday to look forward to! It will do me the world of good and will aid mine and Jake's mum/son relationship...wonderful stuff and just to be in those tavernas, the sea, swimming pools and pine forests is filling me with excitement! Let's hope the plane won't have a dodgy hole in its side! Scary stuff!

Blessed to be around green-ness!

Gardens? I love them. I feel blessed that I have one and try to use it as much as possible during the summer and for that matter, through to late November! I always try to have a Halloween Party outdoors and always make sure I get a good fire going. My garden is smallish but contains the most beautifullest of evergreen tree., I think it's a Larch tree but then, when I look at tree identification books, it sometimes looks like some other tree! Anyway, since the weather has been a little better today,I sat outside with my good friend Lorna from 2pm until late! We sunbathed, took pictures of a beautiful flower that spings to life right now, read the newspaper, girlie talked, drank wine, ordered and ate take away, got cold as dusk fell and so I lit a fire and we sat at my table with candles and fire alight and just enjoyed being. It has to be said, I'm a CONTROL FREAK, when it comes to fires and maintaining their flames. I get psychotic about keeping the flames alight and indeed, ensuring there's anough wood to burn. It's highly amusing and yet an issue for my counsellor to deal with I feel, when I visit her this week. After Lorna had left, I sat outside until just before midnight and just enjoyed the stillness and calm that this time of the evening brings; quietness and tranquility everywhere. I think it should be a right that every household has a green space. It just gives another breath of air into life and without this, I feel humans aren't in tune as much..Sounds like hippy tripe I guess but for me, nature is a profound and healing force and energy.

I have also been reflecting about the weekend that's just passed and feel warm in my heart when I think about the very sweet memories. Friday night, I must've been irritating somewhat, as A was filling out an application and all I could do was interrupt him and laugh out loud at the book I started to read at his..He forgave me though, well at least his actions seem to prove this! I laugh a lot when I'm with him and at times, I feel like I regress into childlike behaviour, which is all very sweet!

Hopefully, a good friend is going to be in Nottingham on Sunday evening. She's stopping over in the UK for a week whilst visiting family during a break from her job in Mauritius. Will be truly lovely to see her and I think I'll probably cry when I do. We've been through many emotional times together and the cord of love is strong so I feel that my emotions will get the better of me when I do see her again and catch up! Bearing in mind, this is a friendship that has now spanned over a good 15+ years and still beats strong..

I also hope to see A at some point and to laugh and get close to him again..for human closeness and intimacy is one of the most beautiful things on the planet! Apart from trees, nature and gardens of course!

Delight is the weekend...

What a wonderful weekend I've just had. Friday, I had nothing as such planned and headed to the library, borrowed 3 books and a DVD. The loose plan was to cook myself some nice food, have a drink of wine and watch my DVD and read.However, things changed and I ended up cycling to A's and cooked dinner for him and me, whilst he filled out an application form. I shared such a lovely night with him and left early as he had an interview. Later that day, we arranged to get together again, I cycled back to his, chilled out with him and then got ready to go out for a friend's birthday meal. I returned to A's and stayed there until this afternoon, whereby, we lazed around in bed and ate croissants and chatted.
Once again, a delightful time was had with him and I always feel a sense of sadness when I leave him and immediately miss him but life must trundle on and I have responsibilties in my home life to deal with..In many respects I feel lucky that I am able to live the sort of life I live with such freedoms and lovely times. A, in many ways, makes me feel happy inside and slows me down when I'm in his company..OK we have the potential to be wild and the like but he's a lighthearted and funny person, which makes me feel very light when I'm around him.

It's always a difficult one when you are parted from one who you share intimacy with and to adapt to being away from them can be hard but I guess the key is to relive those special memories in your heart and mind and treasure them like no other for time moves and things develop..I can truly say, I feel satiated, light and very happy! So, here's to this weekend and indeed, looking forward to spending lovely time with A again in the near future! Although, I must remember he has work to be getting on with and I mustn't be too greedy!

My Lucky Son

I spoke to my Son's Father Jorgen, today - the aim was to speak to my son but, unbeknown to me, he's now in Sweden (Sverige as the Swedish name in reality is) staying at his Uncle's Mum's summerhouse in a Forest, near a lake, just outside of Goteborg (Gothenburg!) Lucky bloody him, lucky that he gets so many wonderful opportunities to see these wondrous places at such a tender age.
Trouble is, at 17 years old, I don't think you really appreciate the beauty of such places because all you're bothered about is mates, hanging out, girls, music etc etc.
His Dad also informed me that the Danish developers are starting to take down the 'wooden self build structures' that have been built around Christiania. This really saddened me because this is like 30+ years, of alternative living history being wiped away. I'm not a big fan of development and I think Copenhagen retains its attractiveness to many tourists because of places like Christiania. The thing is too, Christiania is situated on a beautiful piece of prime land in that, it's a big lake surrounded by nature, woods - a calm in the middle of the city, you could almost say. Very sad if the whole place goes, very sad indeed. The news brought a tear to my eye because I have so many fond memories of the place and I guess really, it would be worth me visiting there again before they demolish the lot - if indeed, they continue to. I urged my son's Father Jorgen, to show Anton this place because it's an important part of Danish history and indeed, an alternative way to how people have lived for so many years. Again, he may not appreciate it now but in years to come, I do think Anton will regret never seeing Christiania, if it does finally go.
I also told his Dad about a massive rave taking place just outside of Christinia, which I think Anton would love! He likes his drum and Bass and hip hop and this could be a good way for him to finally see how the young Danes like to Party!
It's funny how as adults, we assume or indeed hope kids/teens will like certain things when in reality, all they really seem to want are good friends, no trouble from anyone, a bit of money to spend and a place to hang out..As a parent, I want Anton to experience as many things as possible but then I have to remember, we're all individuals and have different personalities.I was extrovert and adventurous at 18 years old and I can't measure my son's quiet and chilled personality by my yardstick. A funny things is being a parent and seeing your kids grow and develop..All I know is, that Anton has been very lucky in that he's had an extended Danish family who have been extremely wonderful to him along his formative years and I feel truly grateful for this and indeed, that me and his Dad/Family have retained good, healthy relationships even though we've been apart for so many years!

Thursday's Thoughts

Today has been a hectic and reflective one. I had a back to work meeting which went well but in many ways, I don't know if my heart is with this work anymore. Time will tell and indeed, time will tell re. my iron levels and whether I need further tests to conclude what may be or not be, wrong with me. I've decided to cut my weeking work down to 3 days. I need the time for my head and my kids and I don't want to continually feel under pressure just for the sake of a job.
I've been thinking a lot about A today and dreamt about him last night. I think spending Monday night with him, really altered perspectives on many levels and I realise that my feelings are DEEP.
I've been also thinking about visiting my Mum's graveside cos I haven't been for some time and I sort of feel the urge - I always feel this is the best way to visit a grave, when the mind and heart feels the urge, rather than out of a responsibility. I guess building a childhood music playlist has brought up a lot of feelings and memories for me regarding my Mum and childhood years..

I've also been contacted re. counselling sessions that I applied for some time back and I have a first full-on session next week. GULP! I'm scared about it and don't know how I'll cope with it but the only way to move forward is to grow and develop ourselves and indeed, recognise and know ourselves..

This weekend I am invited to my lovely friend's Julie and Ian, who are having a birthday meal in the city, which I'm hoping to attend.. I want to see A but I know he's busy and I don't want to impose on his time as he has deadlines to meet and this is crucial to him and his life.

So let's hope this summer rain at some points ceases and some sunshine comes out to play!

True Intimacy

Today I've been reflecting about intimacy with another person. This came about after something that I experiencd last night with A. It was a very touching and beautiful moment and one that I'll never forget..anyway, after plying through cyberworld I came across this writing about intimacy and thought it was very true for many people..


Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our time with someone.

Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.

I was giving a series of lectures at a university in southern Illinois. After one of the meetings, a woman came up to me and said, "I have to talk to you about my boyfriend problems." We sat down, and she began telling me her troubles. After a few moments, she made this statement: "I am now taking steps never to get hurt again." I said to her, "In other words, you are taking steps never to love again." She had thought I misunderstood, so she continued. "No, that's not what I am saying. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want pain in my life." I said, "That's right, you don't want love in your life." You see, there is no such thing as "painless love." The closer we come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain.

I would estimate that you (and around 100 percent of the population) would say you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is, how do you handle that hurt? In order to camouflage the pain, a lot of us give people what I call the "double-sign." We say to a person, "Look, I want you to come closer to me. I want to love and be loved . . . but wait a minute, I've been hurt before. No, I don't want to talk about these subjects. I don't want to hear those things." We build walls around our hearts to protect us from anyone on the outside getting in to hurt us. But that same wall which keeps people out, keeps us stuck inside. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible.

So, as discussed a little in this article, the answers lie in having an open heart - and getting rid of all of the scar tissue that clogs up the heart along the way and loving freely and openly.

Quiet Contemplation and Reflection

So, I had a quiet today yesterday. I thought about many things and concluded that I needed to speak to A about stuff. Luckily, I managed to talk to him and suprisingly had a very long heart to heart chat with him about many things. I was suprised at what he opened up to me about and in many ways, this is good. I realise that my feelings are very strong for him and whatever happens, it would be good to keep him in my life on whatever level. He also opened his heart about the things he said to me and why he said these things..he also told me a few home truths about what he thinks I'm like which in some ways, was difficult to hear but maybe he does have a point and maybe I do need to work at some things.. What I always love about him is his ability to listen to what I say and reflect on this and take action..he's come a long way in his life and turned his life around massivley, accpeting his mistakes from the past and needing to change many things - this makes me feel truly proud of him and hopeful that things will be really good for him in the future..

So we're going to get together at some point this week, as I need to pick something up from his and I guess this will give us the chance to have a proper face-face conversation about things. I feel better that we're back in contact and at least opening up[ a little more about things.

I'm off for Sunday lunch later with some good friends which will be really sweet to see them! Hoorah!

One day I will get arrested....

Fun and games last night for sure. Met friends and contnued to neck what I think was probably 8 Black Russians in the space of 2 hours! By the eigth one, I remember heading to the toilets for a pee and realising that the women's toilets were all full so decided on raiding the men's toilets instead! Will there be ASBOs soon foir such anarchic behaviour? Funnily, a man was taking a pee and I asked if he minded me using the toilet whilst he peed. He laughed and said not at all and told me he was having trouble peeing - I replied that maybe he had something stuck up his urethra..dear me.
This meeting in the toilet led to further conversation in the bar, with him, his wife and his lovely Spanish friend. We all then decided to head to The Social for Rubber Room night which, exceeded all of my expectations..
I enjoyed chatting to the toilet man greatly, he was a writer and very easy to talk to about many things, his wife was lovely too. I love it when you have these connections and spontaneous happenings with people you've never met before in your life.
Sadly, we never got to say goodbye, I would've liked to have got their details and maybe meet up again but ah, it wasn't meant to be.

I preceeded to dance to some very old tunes which was fun and helped me feel a little better. I missed A, kept thinking about him and wanted to ring him but thought better of if. When I got home I fe;t sad but life must go on and maybe at some point soon, we'll get to chat about stuff. I want to talk to him about things..I can't just cut off my feelings and I really do hope there may be a return but with a different emphasis maybe? I'm confused but I do know that my feelings are strong. Bloody hell!

Friday night invites - what to do and DUBSTEP HEAVENESS!

A good friend of mine Lorna, has invited me out tonight, not sure yet what I'm gonna do but could be good to get out and see friends rather than dwelling in the doldrums! Been listening to a load of Dubstep and folks, I tell you this music is pure heaven - hardcore, bassy, dirrrrrrrty, grimey, sexy, sensual, erotic, dark, melancholic but radically uplifting. I love it and even more so, love dancing to the sounds it makes..Music, music is such a saviour - and an enormous part of my life..I'd be lost without it... I'll fill in what I decide to do after tonight..time and mood will tell.

Have a good weekend people

Today is a Difficult One

Fuck me, I woke up this morning feeling full of gloom regarding my business about A. I feel like there's a big hole in me and feel empty and sad, to the point of ridiculous life contemplating thoughts going through my stupid head.
I'm such an emotional person that at times, it really does my head in but I've always been as such and I guess this ain't gonna change.

I guess too, I'm thinking that normally we'd be spending weekends together and thus reminiscing. Bah! Realtionships/fuck buddies/Friends with benefits bullshit sucks. I can't do them! Time to take the lone road..

I have bloody strong feelings for A and I guess this is what happens when you spend a lot of time with someone on an intimate level - well at least for me it does. Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swimming time methinks and this will do me good!

Seriously consider?

I was talking to my eldest son's Dad last night about our son and Denmark. My son is enjoying it over there and knuckling down in his uncle's restaurant being a general help all around, this is good for him to gain such experience and opportunity. Luckily, the Chef is an Australian guy which means, there is no issues surroundimg language problems.
My son's Dad was also discussing jobs over there and said that with my experience, he feels that I'd walk straight into a job! This is a dilemma I continue to have regarding moving to Denmark again. My youngest's sons Father lives in England and I wouldn't want to move him away from his Father. He's settled in school and doesn't talk Danish..but there are alternatives of course in Denmark, such as the International Schools.
A large part of me feels that I learned a lot from Danish people and their openheartedness, this I miss in the UK.. I love the warmth and sincerity of Danish people and miss this back here. I'm not implying or indeed, generalising that Brits aren't warm etc but there's just something very wholesome about Danes and indeed, their honesty and sincerity that I continually miss.. anyway I wrote this a while back about what Denmark did for me and it sort of makes me want to go back and settle down there again and be around these people - in many respects, it still feels like a sort of spiritual home..

What the Danes did for me...

Reminded me what it was, to be open hearted, sincere, honest, respectful, loving, free, giving, admiration of all, empathic, understanding and most of all, saved me.

My parents, friends, school, music, sub cultures, England and Denmark made me who I am. Of course, I believe we are all born with certain characteristics but the nurturing we receive, in whatever way, makes and defines who we are..

ME?
The Drama Queen,
The singer in the garden,
On the makeshift stage,
Letting out my rage,
Turning life's page.
Laughing and smiling,
Sparkly eyes crying.
Extrovertly shy.
Wore my heart on my sleeve -
Always believed.

Profound Dreams

Dreams? Once again, last night I had a very profound and strong dream - I realise this is because I have been bothered about something that A told me, that really affected me emotionally. I dreamnt about this issue and felt small, unworthy and meaningless..
This is not good and indeed, has made me think about many things. Sometimes in life, we have to cut out the things that we realise are starting to hurt us emotionally, even though we may feel a great love for a person, we have to practise self preservation..I have a wide open heart and with time, need a person to open their heart back..
Sad as this sounds, I have to walk a new path, I feel like I'm burning bridges. I'll miss A extremely so because I've such brilliant times with him but I need to be kind to myself and my heart.
Maybe some people too, say things that they know will upset you - personal comments etc, as a way of pushing you away from them?
Hmm.

Connection

Connection sometimes -
Never goes,
It gets buried -
In the depths of your soul -
It becomes awoken,
When words -
Once again,
Are spoken..
Quietness broken.
It flows freely,
When minds share -
Thoughts and energies.
Complimentary.
Connection is the spark -
That lights the dark,
Of everyday reality -
Shortcutting and healing fragility..

Oh Yes!

So my teenrage son is in Denmark with his Father, last night he was working with his uncle in their restaurant on Vesterbro - which will be great work experience for my son..The house is quiet and staying SO tidy, which for me is wonderful!

So, I've recovered from my long party on Saturday night! I finally got to bed at 5am in the morning but was good all the same to be around good friends. I'm also starting to think alot about Greece and my forthcoming holiday - I CAN'T WAIT! I'm very excited about the thought of being out there again after such a long time and maybe meeting some new friends from different parts of the world, plenty of swimming, some sightseeing, lots of taverna night dancing and chilling and enjoying sweet times with my youngest son! Lots of walking and bikeriding too! Wonderful stuff.

I'm still off work - another month or so and then we'll see what my blood levels are like..

Keep contemplating another festival at the end of August, can't afford it but I think I should just fuck it and have a good time..then get back f=down to some serious work, head down and concentrating on paying off holiday debt and thinking about a further down the road career change..we'll see!

Sweat and Paper Phallus

Lovely weekend for me. A, cycled over 20 miles to visit me Friday night which I thought was very admirable and sweet..He made me laugh cos he didn't bring a change of clothes to mine and was sweaty and hot..wanted to wash his clothes and thus, birthday suit became part of the equation! Spent a sweet night with him and reluctantly had to drag myself out of bed so that I could get stuff sorted for my friends coming over to mine for an outdoor summer gathering..

Don't you just love being around good friends, sat in the garden, drinking wine, watching dusk fall to dawn? How lovely. We got an ace fire going and my Artist friend Anna, who I did some art paper project work with, wanted to do a ceremonial burning of all of the paper models we made... here's a link to the project..

http://standingroom.org/blogs/re-form/2008/06/10/paper-days-sara/
My model? A gigantic paper phallus! It took a while to burn and was a shame to see it go but hey, it's only paper!

Check my photo of Sacrificial phallus burning!

Thursday thought and meditation...

So my lovely friend sent me this meditation today - she said of me that I give such unflinching love to others and I guess, yes, she's right..why give anything else to a person who you fall deeply in love with?..Or indeed, to close friends who show ongoing suport and love for you?....So here's what she sent...
I like it and yes, I guess it really does sum up my own philosophy about people and opening the heart -

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.Do good anyway.If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.Do good anyway.Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway.

DANGER......!!!!!!

A partied out, woman, very drunk, cycling through the cool night air to visit her lover in Da Ghetto, at 12am on a Saturday night, not really what you would call 'normal' behaviour I guess eh? The power, or should I say 'potency' of alcohol and what it does to the psyche - dangerous concoction! Especially when one may have certain insecurities, be they founded or not, to rant and rant and rant to the point of exhaustion, to the opposite sex? Ah well, wrath has to come out somehow but preferably not through the negative force of alcohol.. Sure did ruin my Saturday night and I guess I humbled out on myself for being so 'on one' but me, being a feisty muthafucka at times, has to get my words out in the open otherwise they bubble and trouble in my word cauldron..In some ways too,it ain't surprising really considering the information about the rose that REALLY upset me. Hey ho! Romance is truly alive!
What will be of the scenario and embarrassment? God only knows but I'm trying to not focus on this too much, I've made worse mistakes in the past and if people can't forgive drunken idiotic behaviour, then so be it!

Instead I turn my attentions to a summer gathering I'm holding on Saturday night..should be cool to see all of my close friends, get a fire burning,fairy lights shining brightly in the garden and candles burning their beautiful orangy flames..I await with anticipation and gladness about seeing everyone and enjoying all of their company..

Roll on Saturday, Sorry Mr, for being a nightmare on Saturday night but I guess I'me now thrown to the sinbin..unworthy of your time..BUT, remember, people only get insecure when they feel a reason to be insecure and I do have reason to be insecure in quite a few respects..
Ah, let the time and planet move on its axis to a new day and a new dawn!

She

Who is She?
How should she be?
Where has she gone?
To be accepted..
Loved?
For she knows not how -
Anymore.
Her heart is too sore -
Bleeding and open,
It pours.
Wild and free?
Insular and twee?
Quiet and calm?
Loud?
Her heart has given
All that it had to give..
And now it lies
Empty..
Bruised and dead.
Her soul has offered -
Peace and understanding,
Now it floats,
Misguided..
Only just afloat..
Rest herself,
Rest -
Forever -
One day she'll return..

Shiatsu grounding

I went for my first Shiatsu massage today. I had one years ago but never returned,even though I really LOVED it back then. Today's massage was an excellent, forceful and grounding experience.. The masseur was professional and very sweet, asking me loads of questions about my life/health/emotions and then getting a general picture of my health and emotions. She did a general all round massage and I felt many weird sensations when she touched certain pressure points and I guess, worked on my meridians. My feet tingled at one point and and my inner knee got some weird sensation when she was pressuring my hip area!

After the massage, I felt dizzy and spaced out. She fedback to me, that she felt my energy was blocked in my back region and that I'd been carrying huge emotional stuff there for a long time. I was impressed with her and the massage and will definitely return for a monthly treatment..It started to make me think about my career again. How I always wanted to train to be a Herbalist or some sort of therapist. I love helping others but at points, the sort of helping I do in my current job leads to burn out. part of me wonders whether to return to uni to complete a Complementary Therapy Degree and specialise in a chosen area..I can then still work at helping others but in a more holistic way. The only thing that holds me back and concerns me, is the cost of doing the course and indeed, how I'd survive whilst studying with 2 dependents..I need to get more of an idea about how I could fund such alternative career and maybe embark on this. The pure fact that I'm continually contemplating career changes, makes me evermore sure that I need a new direction in life.


Tomorrow I have a Solstice party to attend.This will be lovely! Lots of sweet people, lots of interesting conversation and warmth..I look very forward to this and can't ait to spend time with my lovely friend Julie again, who, very soon is expecting her first baby!

Hoorah for Shiatsu and Hoorah for the weekend!

Check out this link for Shiatsu information

Ingrained

Today I went to look for some more flowers for my garden but ended up buying nothing. I couldn't find anything that I really liked.
I keep thinking about the rose business that my earlier poem is about and it's making me feel pretty sad really.

I'm supposed to be at a friend's solstice party on saturday and then maybe to a club night in the city but I have noone to go with, which is making me feel a little weirded out, especially when it's a club that I'm not overly keen on. Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll just have to see what happens on Saturday. A and I had semi planned to go away this weekend, which is also on my mind loads..thinking about where we might've gone but I know that sort of thinking is destructive so I'm trying to think in the now.

I think my massage and meditation will do me good..I have to return to the Drs next week again. I don't want to return to work yet, I'm not ready and I need some time alone in my house when my eldest son has departed for Denmark on Monday. I also need to talk the Dr about a lot of breathlessness that I keep getting..don't know what that's all about..Hmm

How the world turns....

What a lovely night tonight! I received a sweet phone call from my lovely friend Helen, we've arranged to go for a girly curry night in a few weeks. This will be good cos we can talk about her planned visit to San Francisco! I also received a sweet text from an old mate, who I used to work with in Homeless Hostels. We plan to meet up for coffee sometime soon and catch up with what's been going on our lives. Will be wonderful to catch up with him, he's a big fan of films and his fave film is Paris Texas! One of my all time fave movies too. Bumped into himn a while back in the city and had a sweet chat but not long enough to get to the meat and gristle about what's happening for him right now..

I also received an email from my dear friend Richard, who I knew way back in time..1980s, as it happens. He's now teaching on a BA Hons Photography course, amongst other things such as his Family responsibilities.

I love these connections with people, it makes me realise that I have some very dear, true friends out there who have been around for a long time and still have something in common. All good and genuyine in my books!

Tomorrow? Not sure what I'm doing as yet..but could do with a further nature injection..we'll see!

Wondering through....

Today I decided to take myself for a wonder and a bike ride out in nature and to visit a photography exhibition, namely the Jerwood Photography winner exhibition at Djanogly Art Gallery. I was struck by the photos in this exhibition but especially liked Sophie Gerrards photojournalism about e waste in India and the problems this is causing for poorer people over there, really tragic stuff. Dana Popa's photos of the sex trafficking industry in Moldovia also really struck me in a profound way; powerful, moving and sad images giving the viewer glimpses of this disgusting industry and what it's doing to young women. I'd urge anyone with a conscience about such issues to check these two women's works out..

I took a wonder through some woodland and collected some old wooden branches that had fallen to the ground, to use as firewood in my garden fire.

I've thought a lot about A, I'm waking up with that awful sinking feeling you get when you miss someone. I know that we got on really well together and this is the tradegy really, when you spend time and energy with someone to have it taken away and indeed, be told truths which are disheartening and upsetting..I know I'm a full on person but I also want people, who I feel fond of, to feel 'loved' or indeed, 'thought about'. Maybe this is too much for him and thus, why he chose to fly away and change hsi direction..and of course cos I'm older, maybe not as attractive as younger women, all of those stupid insecurities we feel when something or someone you have strong feelings for, wonders...

So, a better day today but it has to be said, the yearn in my heart is strong and I need to try and contain it as best as I can. However, this is not all doom and gloom, I've been inspired to design a project about my experiences of love and desire, which I'm really enjoying working through and indeed, is a cathartic and therapeutic experience..Only read if you can handle DEEP and perosnal emotions

Solitary reflecting..

Today is a weird one. Thinking about the last few days and Saturday morning. Refelcting on all of the words that were spoken. I think I'm sort of shocked and running away from the words in my head, to save me from being too sad and upset..I don't get it, I don't understand closeness one time and then dsitance another..this isn't me and I can't be like this.I feel fed up and sad, really sad. I also feel hurt and meaningless, hence me writing this poem...


Rose of Entrapment

Red roses,
Are NOT beautiful.
They signify -
Cliches, lies,
The truth?
Buried, deep down inside..
Ruby, velvety petals -
Contain a sting so sharp,
Leaves -
The skin unsettled...
Crawling,
Another calling..
Poisonous red -
Wilting head.
Offered from necessity,
Such depravity.
A waste of nature -
Toxicated love,
Winding their branches,
Trapping butterflies above..

Moving on from my poem, I found this quote today and I like what it says and I guess it fits in with my view of life in many ways..

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”

I also read today that quite a lot of people were injured and hospitalised by the police, in London's Anti Bush protest..Scary roads we're going down - I thought this sort of mistreat,ent would've ended with the Thatcher Govt but alas, sadly it hasn't! What faith can we have in this Govt if they're continuing to adopt the idea of a police state?

So, off to sleep I go, feeling devoid and empty..but, I have to keep focussed and I will remind myself that I have a meditation class this week and a Shiatzu massage to look forward to.

And so I read....

A book that I found in the second hand bookshop by Carol Ann Duffy - World's Wives and other selected poems for £1.49, what a bargain and how great to find second hand gems.
I like her writing and content of her poems..they strike chords in many respects and for sure, she's a vey talented writer who I feel, women can really feel some affinity to.
I love this poem below..I think it describes the feelings you have when you've become really fond of someone and indeed miss them and just be want to see and be with them..You know, that yearning in the heart? Anyway, here's the poem and see what you think..I think all human beings have this feeling at times in their life.

Words, Wide Night by Carol Ann Duffy

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you

and this is what it is like or what it is like in words.

Holiday season upon us..

So, one week to go until my dear bveloved teenrage son flys to Denmark, to stay for his regular visit with his Father. Two and a half months in the land of civilised people and cycle friendly environments. He's been asking me about Christiania and what it's like. I've told him that he HAS to sample this place before the Danish Govt decide to close it down..I think he's probably more interested in what strain of weed or indeed, hash he can get out there..Christiania is renowned for selling hash openly. He's also going to be working in his uncle's restaurant in the west area of Copenhagen. His uncle has recently bought a Tapas Restaurant in a hip and upcoming place so, for my son, this will be a positive experience re.working.

For me? It will be nice to have the house at weekends to myself. I plan to finish decorating, holding a belated midsummer party for a load of friends and generally enjoying free space for a while.

I was chatting to someone today about Northern India and whether they should visit this place..I'd love to see India at some point in my life but who knows what walks in your path when you plan things - life can change at any given moment..I've been thinking about A a lot today, I'm sad about the things he told me and I feel unloved and uncared for. What an awful feeling..I woke up feeling really sad and bereft and just wanted to go back to sleep..
BUT, I've been through worse ordeals and I'm not gonna let this get to me..If something is meant to be then it will be and obviously for him, I wasn't meant to be, even though part of me feels there is more to his reasoning..I know for a fact that we had many sweet times, much laughter, excellent physical energy and passion and happiness when together..well, at least I thought we did! To lose this is a shame and sad when two people get along as such..I don't know, I'm going to miss not seeing him and contacting him but life must go on and I will never go down the roads of sadness that I've been down in the past - no way! Who knows what's round the corner in life, and all I know is that I've led my life as genuine as I can and if people can't handle or trust this, then it's very sad really..

Bring on the holiday season!

Heart Attack

Guard the heart from emotional attack,
People take advantage -
Wish they'd cut some slack!
People? Commodities?
There for the taking?
Bruising pure hearts,
Wish they'd stop the faking!
Individualistic gains,
Insincerity reigns.
A trickle down theory -
Causing emotional pain..
England!
Ah England!
Land of insincerity..
Gendered Capitalism,
Insular prosperity..

An Easy Pushover

Long story but I'm thinking about the words Easy Pushover...

noun - Easy Pushover

A person who is easily deceived or victimized: dupe, fool, gull, lamb, victim. Informal sucker. Slang fall guy, gudgeon, mark, monkey, patsy, pigeon, sap1. Chiefly British mug. See wise/foolish.

Definition - A person who is taken advantage of.

My take on this? Why would people want to take advantage of others? If they were truly righteous, peace loving, kind people, they wouldn't even consider taking advantage of others. It makes me understand that the world and people's emotions are easily commodified and capitalised upon - capitalism is INGRAINED in people's psyches and the treatment of others - ie. Gain from others for own gain..
It makes me sick to my stomach in many ways and I want no part of this. The British mentality in many respects, is tearing me apart and I wish I could FUCK OFF outta here tomorrow..

Back to fucking bed I go!

Facebook Frenzy, Death and Aquaintances

So a chilled day today really. Had a sweet conversation with my Line Manager about how I was doing and indeed, her reminding me to only come back to work when I'm 100% better! I can't fault the treatment I've received from her since I've been off sick from work, I dare say that not many managers would be as thoughtful and indeed, caring as she has been! I don't know when I'll return as yet but she reiterated that I need to be fully recovered to return..

I took a wonder to my local town and bumped into an old schoolfriend, who was my bestest buddy from the age of 14 - 19. We hung out allk of the time and went on a mad Ibiza, San Antonio fest back in the day - when we were 17 years old! Wild times indeed and very hedoniostic to say the least. She informed me that her Father had died this week, this really saddened me for her and made me cry with her...The good thing was, we've swapped numbers so maybe, we'l, strike up a friendship again..would be nice to meet up and find out how things are going in her world..

I then shopped a little, rang A and had a sweet chat with him but he was in bed and sounded sleepy but still, good to chat with him and wished he was in Nottingham, so that we could've seen each other..BUT he's being sensible and getting his head down with work which is all good for him.

Felt tired and a little nauseous today so thought I'd maybe chill out with a film - Dead Man's Shoes and a bottle of wine. We'll see what the night brings!

I've also spent time on FaceFuck as my mates and I call it..I've tracked down some old Danish mates so hoepfully, they'll be added to my account and indeed, keep in contact..as much as I HATE social networking, it's sort of cool to find old mates and bridge the distance and indeed years..In that respect FaceFuck, I salute you!

Stumbled upon....

Reacently, whilst I was following the debate about lowering the abortion limit, I came across this really interesting website and indeed, fresh air of libertarian/radical views..I like what a lot of the writers have to say and I like the fact that they challenge the 'all too prescriptive system' we're starting to find ourselves in, in the UK.

Anyway, here's a link to the site and I love the part about subversive parenting!

www.spiked-online.com

Check the site out and see what you think.

Don't quite know what I'm up to this weekend, had planned to see A but he's under a load of pressure with stuff which means, we will hopefully get together next weekend unless he gives me a suprise call which is always sweet! I think he's finally totally sussing me out, I'm a melodramatic, apparently??? He's right! My Mum used to call me a 'Drama Queen' and A has deffo recognised this trait in me, apparently, I'm worse than him but then again, we are both Virgoans so maybe we have a good understanding of each other on a cosmic level!
The good thing is, when we have these funny sort of confusions about stuff, which happened last night, he seems to know how to deal with me and my temper/drama antics - This is GOOD stuff!

So, I may revert to my original plans of heading out of the city to walk and maybe camp. A good friend has invited me out tomorrow night but I'm trying to watch the pennies cos going out is so ridiculously expensive and indeed, I get fed up of feeling crap the next day, after a big blowout!

Anyway, let the universe unfold it's happenings people!

I spy with my little eye....

A Hedgehog..

I can't believe my luck tonight, 9.30pm I decide to sit in my garden and chill, lit a fire and fuck me, as it starts to get dark, a Hedgehog scuffles right in front of me!
I can't belive it, this is the first time in YEARS that I've seen a Hedgehog in a garden wandering around. Next thing I know, it'd run into my outhouse, I picked it up and put it back in the garden..Bless the little creature just sat stood in a ball for ages and then I guess waited to feel safe and then scurried off again..How sweet is that?
I'm really touched and happy about seeing this little creature..I want to learn more about Hedgehogs and I hope it returns...what a delight!! Theres a good organisation called the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, who are concerned about the Hedgehogs' future - apparently their numbers are declining in and across the UK and Europe.. Anyway here's a link regarding this..

http://www.britishhedgehogs.org.uk/

I'm still so touched about seeing it and part of me has started to think that maybe working with animals maybe something to consider, beings as though I'm cointemplating my career change and path right now..Hmm trouble is though, there are hardly any jobs working with animals...

Bless and up with the cute world of Hedgehogs!!!

Living in a Lighter Head and Heart

We all mistakes in life, this is part of learning and indeed changing behaviours. I've made mistakes in the past that I'm not proud of and yet, I have learned to forgive myself and learn from these mistakes. When people talk about their past behaviours and actions and are indeed not proud of this, I always feel that you have to take the person for who they are now and how they are living their life in the 'present'.
I remember when I met first met my youngest son's Dad, he came to visit me one night and said he needed to admit many things about his past. I listened intently, without judgement, without assumption and told him that the past has gone..and that he was a different person. He'd had a hard time as a child looking after two younger siblings sue to his Mum having ongoing addiction issues..His father wasn't present from the age of 9 so he never really saw a lot of his Dad.
We managed a relationship of 11 years, OK it had rockiness at times but our situations weren't easy either. We endured;

-Job losses when I gave birth to his son, thus living on the poverty line with a new born baby and older child
-We found out he had a terminally ill disease but would live and be OK, to which he is today.
-His brother became seriously mentally ill and was hospitalised for 6 months
-Family fall out
-His Father dying
-My Mother dying
-Many of my mates going through long term relationship break-ups and consulting me as a listening board and confidant

But what we didn't do was support each other enough, this is where we failed. Resentments grew, me of his drinking and abusiveness to me when drunk, which in some ways, made for a cycle of angry behaviour with us and this pattern is hard to change in yourself when your defenses go up, a cycle of conflict thus occurring. Sadly, when things were breaking down between us, he refused to try counselling, which in many ways told me that it was the end of the road if he wasn't prepared to look at himself and indeed, me look and work at myself..I felt alone, sad, lonely and unwanted in many ways.
We failed to give each other enough love and indeed maintain this meaning, the last 3or so years of our relationship were dead and buried, biding time until financially, he could move away.. Sad when you think about all of this..I guess those years with him and indeed, the failures with him, have taught me that mutual respect, tactileness, forgiveness, understanding and physical and emotional love, spontaneity, peace with other, compatibility and good energy together, are the ingredients to truly make a relationship stand the test of time. I know I'm a stickler and a fighter when it comes to those with whom I fall in love with - I guess if I believe in love and the person I love, then it has no bounds..

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm able to forgive people for their mistakes and behaviour..I guess the sad thought, is when people find it hard to forgive me of my behaviour/actions..

Here's a few thoughts and meditations on forgiveness from a Buddhist angle:

Have forgiveness in your heart for anything you think you've done wrong . Forgive yourself for all the past omissions and commissions. They are long gone. Understand that you were a different person and this one is forgiving that one that you were. Feel that forgiveness filling you and enveloping you with a sense of warmth and ease.

Think of your parents. Forgive them for anything you have ever blamed them for. Understand that they too are different now. Let this forgiveness fill them, surround them, knowing in your heart that this is your most wonderful way of togetherness.

Think of your nearest and dearest people . Forgive them for anything that you think they have done wrong or are doing wrong at this time. Fill them with your forgiveness. Let them feel that you accept them. Let that forgiveness fill them. Realizing that this is your expression of love.

Now think of your friends. Forgive them for anything you have disliked about them. Let your forgiveness reach out to them, so that they can be filled with it, embraced by it.

Think of the people you know, whoever they might be, and forgive them all for whatever it is that you have blamed them for, that you have judged them for, that you have disliked. Let your forgiveness fill their hearts, surround them, envelope them, be your expression of love for them.

Now think of any special person whom you really need to forgive. Towards whom you still have resentment, rejection, dislike. Forgive him or her fully. Remember that everyone has dukkha. Let this forgiveness come from your heart. Reach out to that person, complete and total.

Think of any one person, or any situation, or any group of people whom you are condemning, blaming, disliking. Forgive them, completely. Let your forgiveness be your expression of unconditional love. They may not do the right things. Human beings have dukkha. And your heart needs the forgiveness in order to have purity of love.

Have a look again and see whether there's anyone or anything, any where in the world, towards whom you have blame or condemnation. And forgive the people or the person, so that there is no separation your heart.

Now put your attention back on yourself. And recognize the goodness in you. The effort you are making. Feel the warmth and ease that comes from forgiveness."

May all beings have forgiveness in their hearts!
I like these meditations and wouldn't the world be a better place if people had more forgiveness in their hearts?

To leave the city or and drunken cyberhate..

So, I'm wondering whether to head out of the city this weekend for some camping action. I can get a space camping in Derbyshire, Edale and I've thought that I could maybe take my bike but I'm unsure as yet whether to go or not. I'd love for A to come with me and share this time, I could treat him as a sort of celebration regarding the end of his course but time will see on that one. If he doesn't want to or indeed has other plans, then I'll head off alone I think, unless he wants to spend the weekend back here together in Nottingham..This I'll happily do and indeed, would love to spend a weekend with him very soon.

People often think you're a bit mad if you camp/walk alone but I'm OK with it. The thing that I find more weird is siting alone in a pub, missing not being with friends to have a drink and get merry with. Saying that, sometimes being alone means that you get chatting to new people and the like..I found this especially in Copenhagen. I cycled to a radical cafe on Blagards Plads, Norrebro, just out of the centre of Copenhagen to watch a gig. Really good gig and political at that, with a lot of left leaning/anarchic people there. I found these people to be friendly, warm, kind and easy company and got talking to a guy who was also alone and who sat opposite me at a table; There was no agenda from this guy, no pick up vibe or whatever but just friendly chat...that was fine and all good by me.

So, tomorrow? A swim I think in this lovely hot weather my body feels the urge to be in water. My Dad swam in a large pond tonight, he's a big lover of fresh water swimming and I keep meaning to go with him...I will one day but I do get fazed out by the muddy bottoms of ponds and not being able to see the bottom of the ponds! Fresh water swimming though? Supposed to be very good for the soul - I did it once, many years ago and who knows? Maybe the urge will return soon..Hampstead apparently, I think it is, has a pond called the Ladies Pond, I'd like to try out this place for sure but also, a big lake in North Wales in Snowdonia where apparently, the water is full of minerals and really good for you..Mmmm swimming in a large lake with no clothes on appeals to me greatly! Naked swimming is the best, it really is! The last time I did that was oh, way back in Greece in 1987, a long time ago amd a different body to what I have now, 2 kids down the line of course!

Whilst drunk the other night, I deleted my Myspace account. I did this a few years ago and regretted it, I don't know this time whether I regret it or not. Part of me is sick of cyberspace fallacies at times, yet the other part of me, likes to find out about new music and keep in touch with mates..So, to rebuild Myspace or not? I don't know, maybe I could have a different focus this time, more of a focus on my poetry and music rather than just about me etc. What do you guys think? I'm confused about it and sort of mad that I spent such a long time building it up to just go and delete it in a drunken moment...Hmm time to ponder this one but in a way, I quite like the fact that my pics are away from the peering electronic world and I feel a different sense of privacy - I feel like I want to simplify my life and go back to a simpler way of being and living..sometimes cyberworld seems so competitive and posey and hence, I guess this is what my drunken mind was thinking when the deleting took place.

Exploding Heart

Last week and the last few days, I've had some weird early morning waking up and feeling like my heart is full of a mighty love! Because of this mad feeling, I was inspired to write this poem...

Exploding Heart


My heart opens wide,
To the universal energy,
Deep down inside -
Reaching out, in you -
Vibration coming through..
Unusually red, warm,
Free from turbulent grey storm,
An all consuming love -
Reaching through dreams, high above,
Is the path then, righteous?
Worthy of the heart's mightiness..
Grind through cloudy troubles,
Conquering passed rubble.
Worthy of the test,
True growth and quest..
Step in the light direction,
Bathe in the exploding heart's salvation.

Perspectives

Amazing how we all make assumptions and jump to silly conclusions. Or maybe, I'm just a natural carer and worrier! I had a sweet, long chat with A today, which put many things into context and indeed perspective, which is what I felt I needed. I like talking to him, I like laughing and joking with him and most of all, I miss him and circumstances are as such, that I don't know when we'll see each other again at the mo. But these times act like a test in may ways and that's a good thing..it shows the strength of feelings that are present for another person and the amount of understanding on both parts.
The key, as always, is to get on with our own lives and keep this as the focus and look forward to the future times ahead..BUT. I want to see him soon! My eldest son goes away in a few weeks so I'm hoping that A may well be able to spend some weekends at mine again, being lazy with me, eating and chilling and basically spending some lovely moments with him like we did back in March time.Time'll tell and we'll see what happens nearer the time..It's weird cos we had a sad and pretty serious fall out back in April but as time has gone by, we've slowly started to gravitate towards being in contact and indeed, spending time together again. This fall out taught me a few lessons in many ways..interesting that it did this...

This warm weather is making me think about my oncoming holiday in Greece..I can't wait and I really look forward to a change of scenery and landscape; it's going to be such a special treat for me and my son that I relish the thought of being there again so much. I invited A to come with me the last time I was lying in his arms..He has no money and I'm not rich enough to be able to help him out..Would be cool to go away with him somewhere, maybe camping soon or maybe I could entice him to a trip to Copenhagen with me? That could be fun cos the first place I'd take him would be Christiania and then the Museum of Erotica..Wow!

Happy Birthday to my lovely 21 year old Nephew Josef

Time eh? Remembering my nephew when he was a baby, lying in his cot to now? Him being taller than me and a man, a lovely sweet, grown up man. Today was a party for him to celebrate his birthday and how sweet to spend time in the company of my family. I enjoy these moments and events but as always, there's always a family trauma. Tonight's trauma was my 19 year old niece getting too drunk and falling out with her Mum, my sister. It's funny to observe these events, I felt sort of blessed that my life is the way it is now. My children seem happy albeit really cheeky and nightmareish at times. I don't feel any pressure anymore re. living with Jake's Dad. I used to hate being around him when he drank too much..he'd become abusive at times and to be honest, I found these threatening at times. As an aunt, watching my niece and npehew grow and develop is a delight..as is seeing my own kids.. My niece thinks I'm 'cool' and wishes her Mum was like me. I reminded her that my son probanaly wishes I my sister was his Mum. Children and their parents? A lethal mix at times especially during the teen years.
My niece has a sweet and caring boyfriend...he's a darling, treats her like a queen - as he should!

Observing these beautfiul moments puts life all into perspective and indeed, reminds us what we're here for and indeed how we connect with those with whom we love..

Why

Why?
When you offer time,
When you offer love,
He runs....
Far away,
Never to stay.
Not to reply,
Even though I try,
Sadness drops from my eyes.

Why
When energies are harmonius,
When laughter is glorious,
He turns away,
Leaves me to...wait,
Standing -
At the isolated gate,
Pondering my fate,
Wondering if he hates?
My softness and love..

Don't fly away,
Don't leave me astray..
In isolation,
At the gate..
In my fate.

Fuck Me Backwards....

Not literally but you know ehen you get those moments in life when you think that to yourself? Or is this a sort of Northern slang? The reason for me saying this phrase is because I bumped into a friend last night, who I haven't seen for about 13 years! The last time I saw him was back in the mid 90s, I got to know him through him meeting a Danish friend who was staying with me in my old flat. We'd been to a reggae night at the then Sam Fays, as it was called and he came back with us and enjoyed a weekend at my flat.
He spent a sweet time with my mate Nina and then she departed for Denmark and we all carried on with our lives. I used to randomnly bump into him in Notts and indeed, would go to watch him play in gigs as he's a mean Sax and Flute player, he used to play with a band throughout the 90s who started to gain momentum in quite a few areas.
His story of life and musicianship is a fascinating one; Working class boy from council estate, single parent family, got a scholarship to music school in London, has played in many classical concerts and orchestras etc etc, still plays today albeit has experienced a lower than low last 10 years or so but now on the mend again.
Was weird to bump into him, he was stood at the bar looking at me and I didn't acknowledge him as I didn't at first, recognise him..He then said my name, I looked and realised who it was and spent ages chatting to him. He's now busying himself with music projects in the city and looking after his two kids..
I love these moments in life when you've been feeling a bit crap,for whatever reason and then some lightness comes along and brings a ray of happiness back into the dark day..

So, the good thing is, I'll stay in contact with him for sure and keep an eye out for his gigs when he plays..What a delight to bump into good ghosts from the past and he definitely is a proper good soul with a decent and pure heart..

Not My World....

This isn't my world,
The world I belong to,
This isn't my time,
Too late, too worn..
beauty left behind..
Sincerity lost -
At what cost?
What goal?
All an empty hole.
Dreams?
Surreal,
An Achilles heel..?
Wholesome meal..
Stopping the feel?
Preventing heal...
Barbaric shield...
Life fail to yield,,

Musically Challenged

Afther watching This is England, I had to track down who composed the beautiful classical piece that goes with this film and track it down I did. Ludovico Einaudi is the composer and the music is Fuori Dal Mondo. I must get the CD but the music is so challenging to the emotions! Gosh, it sends me off in floods of tears, so to me, this is a quality composer and a quality piece of music plus, two of my favourite instruments are part of the composition; violin and piano..talking of which, I had a dream about a violin last night which has just re-emerged in my head whilst I'm writing this down.

I'm also trying to understand yet agin, why people who you contact don't respond? It sends me into a flurry of insecurities, emotions and worries. I'm the sort of person who takes things inwardly and head down the self- loathe route which is so destructive but then I do something quick to alleviate that by making arrangements to see friends and remind myself that I am a good person and deserve to be treated how all people want to be treated, with acknowledgement, respect, love, kindness and all of those qualities that we humans so desire. So today and last night I've been feeling a little full of woe but I will not go down the destructive path of yesteryear and I will not go down the roads that I've been down previously where love and emotion are concerned.

So Ludovico, check this guy's music out and be truly prepared to go on a deeply profound, emotional and beautiful journey people...

This is England

This is England? Great film and well needed. The trouble is though, will ALL of those who watch it, understand its irony or will they think that Shane Meadows may be racist? I think this film highlights some really important points today and indeed that have been with us for a long time about racism, patriotism, isolation and loneliness.

And what a apt time to release this film when racism and patriotism are gaining ground again in many areas of the UK. Last night I heard the news about many immigrant Pole workers being subjected to racist attacks. Children are still growing up in areas where racism and patriotism are thriving; children take their parents and peers as role models and thus, may follow the same attitude of their ignorant families or peers.
I was fortunate to have grown up in a family with a non racist Mother and Father. Our neighbours were very different. As a child my parents fostered many children and amongst them some were from the African Carribean community, I remember one day, whilst we walked down the street with our foster brother and sister, my Mum said 'Hello', to a neighbour. She looked at my Mum with disgust and ignored her. This was my first experience of what racism was about - and it upset my Mum profoundly. I grew up with kids who were next generation Asian or Afro Carribean and to see them endure racism and attacks from others, would really upset me..yet this continues today, 30 or so years from the time that I was achild and this mortifies me in many ways..

Thus, This is England, is nostalgic to me in that the comraderie of Woody and his mates, along with their teen house parties and Ska/Punk music reminds me, of part of my teen years. Combo and his rascist bullshit reminds me about men who were around back then and who are still today, who worshipped anything to do with Patriotism and Racism..but really, deep down I feel these men were lost souls, who felt adrift in a changing world and not knowing how to cope with it - Indeed torn between what their parents and peers' views were and struggling to find their way or indeed, go against the grain of how they'd been brought up/what they'd been brought up to believe in. Men who have only known how to react with anger and violence cos that's all they've seen and understandly so, to react as such if that's what the role model throughout their life has been and indeed, as society implies, what a male is 'supposed' to be like. Indeed, when Combo says to little Shaun...

'Real men don't cry'

This puts it all in a nutshell for me. Real men DO cry and should cry..we're all human beings with an emotional capacity that includes the need and indeed, ability to cry to let out our emotions..I guess the words 'Real men don't cry', float around many a man's head still, sadly today.

So This is England? As far as I'm concerned, I feel this film is a masterpiece, it raises ever important issues about ongoing racism that needs to be acknowledged by people and changed, issues that are still present today in society and indeed the continuation of violence to people, just because of the colour of their skin.. It also raises important questions about masculinity and the isolation males feel which I think is an ongoing issue and indeed struggle, for many men.. Viva La Revolution!! It has to be said that Capitalism always seems to continue to didvide people rather than unite people and indeed, makes scapegoats out of people.
Let people live their lives in peace, equality, free from poverty and violence and with fairness..

Hoping that I may get to see A this weekend at some point, would be good to chat with him about this film and indeed, spend time again with him but childcare is limited this weekend..however, older sons do have good uses at times! And bribery works well with my son - not very ethical I guess but teens are SO self-centred I guess, arent they?

Poems and the rebirth of writing them..

So poetry? I used to write poems years ago, around the age of 20, when I lived on my own in a bedsit in the Sherwood Rise area of Nottingham..My master to writing poems? The break up of a two year relationship with someone who back then, I felt I wanted to spend my life with..he messed my head emotionally; one minute he wanted to spend his life with me, the next, he'd change his mind..We lived together in a small flat and shared many sweet times.In many ways he was a proper gentlemen and a wonderful boyfriend; took me out for good meals even though we didn't have loads of money, went to the cinema, gigs, parties, walks, photographing expeditions where we'd take lots of photos of each other but mainly he'd take photos of me cos he was training to be a photographer, make home made wine and drink together, read together, backpacked around the Greek Islands for a month..etc, all of the things you do with a person that you want to be with..I was VERY in love with him so when I realised our relationship was ending, I think I had a mini breakdown - taking an overdose almost happened but luckily, I went to ring my Mum instead on the day that I almost did it and this brought me back to the real world..I shortly after, moved back home and then got a job abroad..escaped you could say.

I used to write down my feelings and then write them into some sort of poem, I carried on with this whilst living in Denmark but then, when I had my first son, poetry sort of got put on the back burner.

So today? I've been recently compiling all of my poems over the last 3 years that I've written - there's LOADS! I didn't realise that I'd wrote so many..I want to print them all out and put them into a folder..Just in case my PC ever breaks down and I lose them..

I enjoy writing poems but I only do it when I feel a sense of inspiration to write, this is usually caused by some sort of emotional trigger..and they aren't always just aimed at love etc but can be about the system and the injustice that I see around me and others in the world..

It's weird, re-reading poems from 3 years ago, is like a sort of diary of feelings and emotions..I'm glad that I started writing poems back then and I don't think I'd have written poetry without the profound inspiration and emotional awakening I felt..
Viva La Poetry!

Symbolism and Dreams

I had a rather unnerving dream last night, I won't go into the details but it's sort of made me think again about dreams and symbolism..ie - what this dream is telling me and whether I should take heed from the image that I saw.. I know this sounds mad and the like but I've had dreams like this in the past, that have seemed to warn me or show me somrthing in the future and then they've come true on some level..

I did go for a first session of counselling yesterday so maybe my mind was a little unsettled from this experience too.. I was asked to think about the sort of things that I'd like to work on during counselling and maybe this is where the trigger in the dream came from as I mentioned: Past relationship/s, behaviours, escapism, Mother's death, children etc etc..a lot of things to work through and a lot of sadness/emotion along the way I guess..I don't know whether I'm strong enough just yet to face these emotions and I'm scared about what they'll unveil/change in me. My friend said that I must go - I'm not so sure - I think I'm shit scared to open up and spew forth my feelings and hurt my throat - I say this cos when I get upset, I get that lump in my throat..that roadblock of communication feeling..

I know that I don't want to lose out anymore in life and maybe this is what the dream is referring to?

On a lighter note, I watched This is England last night - One word - Awesome!

Still, calm, wild night

Mounting the sparkling wheels
Flying through the cool night air,
Isolated, industrial wasteland -
Beauty erupts everywhere..

Blurry vision entangled,
Limbs locked together for hours,
Bathe in the sweatfull shower
Magnetising, beautiful power,

Gentle as a graceful butterfly,
Wild lion mastery,
Bite from the sweet, tender nectar
Trancendingly lovingly - free..

Wrapped in the warmth of love given,
Sleep in the arms holding tight,
Breathing to the beat of life force
The universe continues its course..

Herbal Remedies

Recently, I was talking to A about the cure for eye problems/sores..If there are any ailments in my family, I first try out the herbal route then orthodox meds if the herbal route fails. I reccommended Eyebright to A which is, in the horticultural (latin word) world known as 'Euphrasia Officialis' - what a beautful word! I'd love to get back into herb cultivation. Haven't grown any for quite some time and the only herbs that are alive in my garden at the mo are, Lavender - good for relaxation, Feverfew - renowned for aiding menstrual cramps and headaches, and the potent Rue.

My Dad has promised to do some cuttings of culnary hers for me but I think I may try to cultuvate some Medicinal herbs again..Maybe I should completely change careers and study horticulture/herbalism? Hmm flirted with the idea many moons back and gasped at the cost of studying but with a career development loan, these things are possible...

Anyway, check out this sweet/magical website regarding the more deeper look into herbs/trees/funghi and healing..

http://www.shee-eire.com/Herbs,Trees&Fungi/Herbs/Eyebright/Factsheet1.htm

Italian food, Bike Riding, Birthdays, Music

The title of this post pretty much sums up the last few days in Sara world. Dear friends invited me to an Italian themed meal at their house on Friday evening; Anti pasti, home made spinach and ricotta ravioli and Tirammisu downed with copious amount of Italian wine..a truly delightful evening in the company of lovely people..I then cycled over to A's at midnight in the cool but close, early summer midnight air..Was wonderful to cycle at night but a bit daunting to cycle through a semi industrial yet nature reserve area, has great cycle lanes all the way close to where A lives though but as a lone woman, with noone around and an enclosed space, felt a little eerie at times - my legs cycled as fast as they could but weirdly, the place felt sort of nice and yet spooky at the same time..the cycle lanes are lit really well though and there was only sight of one more human being in this area, a lone workman on his to way to his night shift work I assume.

Spent the next day with A being lazy and having a sweet, funny and happy time.I like these moments with him, our energy is good together and luckily, he's almost through his finals to his qualification.

I returned home at 4.30pm and hurried myself ready for my friend's 30th birthday at the lovely Kayal restaurant in Nottingham; south east asian food - very delicious but didn't/don't like the breads - I'm a old stickler of trad nan breads of the Pakistani variety! Ended up in a club and was going to visit A again but things went a bit pear shaped due to missing calls and then connecting for me to be already back at home! Shame to miss each other really but still, had a sweet late night chat with him.

Today, I'm taking things easy. Been listening to an old Moby CD - Hotel.. Really liking some of the tunes and love Laura Dawn's voice on this CD. I love the lyrics too, to the track Slipping Away - really melancholic but at the same time positive and full of hope...


All that we needed was right
The fresh hold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to meant
Oh and we leave here, the seas

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

So long
So long

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people that slipping away