We all mistakes in life, this is part of learning and indeed changing behaviours. I've made mistakes in the past that I'm not proud of and yet, I have learned to forgive myself and learn from these mistakes. When people talk about their past behaviours and actions and are indeed not proud of this, I always feel that you have to take the person for who they are now and how they are living their life in the 'present'.
I remember when I met first met my youngest son's Dad, he came to visit me one night and said he needed to admit many things about his past. I listened intently, without judgement, without assumption and told him that the past has gone..and that he was a different person. He'd had a hard time as a child looking after two younger siblings sue to his Mum having ongoing addiction issues..His father wasn't present from the age of 9 so he never really saw a lot of his Dad.
We managed a relationship of 11 years, OK it had rockiness at times but our situations weren't easy either. We endured;
-Job losses when I gave birth to his son, thus living on the poverty line with a new born baby and older child
-We found out he had a terminally ill disease but would live and be OK, to which he is today.
-His brother became seriously mentally ill and was hospitalised for 6 months
-Family fall out
-His Father dying
-My Mother dying
-Many of my mates going through long term relationship break-ups and consulting me as a listening board and confidant
But what we didn't do was support each other enough, this is where we failed. Resentments grew, me of his drinking and abusiveness to me when drunk, which in some ways, made for a cycle of angry behaviour with us and this pattern is hard to change in yourself when your defenses go up, a cycle of conflict thus occurring. Sadly, when things were breaking down between us, he refused to try counselling, which in many ways told me that it was the end of the road if he wasn't prepared to look at himself and indeed, me look and work at myself..I felt alone, sad, lonely and unwanted in many ways.
We failed to give each other enough love and indeed maintain this meaning, the last 3or so years of our relationship were dead and buried, biding time until financially, he could move away.. Sad when you think about all of this..I guess those years with him and indeed, the failures with him, have taught me that mutual respect, tactileness, forgiveness, understanding and physical and emotional love, spontaneity, peace with other, compatibility and good energy together, are the ingredients to truly make a relationship stand the test of time. I know I'm a stickler and a fighter when it comes to those with whom I fall in love with - I guess if I believe in love and the person I love, then it has no bounds..
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm able to forgive people for their mistakes and behaviour..I guess the sad thought, is when people find it hard to forgive me of my behaviour/actions..
Here's a few thoughts and meditations on forgiveness from a Buddhist angle:
Have forgiveness in your heart for anything you think you've done wrong . Forgive yourself for all the past omissions and commissions. They are long gone. Understand that you were a different person and this one is forgiving that one that you were. Feel that forgiveness filling you and enveloping you with a sense of warmth and ease.
Think of your parents. Forgive them for anything you have ever blamed them for. Understand that they too are different now. Let this forgiveness fill them, surround them, knowing in your heart that this is your most wonderful way of togetherness.
Think of your nearest and dearest people . Forgive them for anything that you think they have done wrong or are doing wrong at this time. Fill them with your forgiveness. Let them feel that you accept them. Let that forgiveness fill them. Realizing that this is your expression of love.
Now think of your friends. Forgive them for anything you have disliked about them. Let your forgiveness reach out to them, so that they can be filled with it, embraced by it.
Think of the people you know, whoever they might be, and forgive them all for whatever it is that you have blamed them for, that you have judged them for, that you have disliked. Let your forgiveness fill their hearts, surround them, envelope them, be your expression of love for them.
Now think of any special person whom you really need to forgive. Towards whom you still have resentment, rejection, dislike. Forgive him or her fully. Remember that everyone has dukkha. Let this forgiveness come from your heart. Reach out to that person, complete and total.
Think of any one person, or any situation, or any group of people whom you are condemning, blaming, disliking. Forgive them, completely. Let your forgiveness be your expression of unconditional love. They may not do the right things. Human beings have dukkha. And your heart needs the forgiveness in order to have purity of love.
Have a look again and see whether there's anyone or anything, any where in the world, towards whom you have blame or condemnation. And forgive the people or the person, so that there is no separation your heart.
Now put your attention back on yourself. And recognize the goodness in you. The effort you are making. Feel the warmth and ease that comes from forgiveness."
May all beings have forgiveness in their hearts!I like these meditations and wouldn't the world be a better place if people had more forgiveness in their hearts?
