Sunday's thoughts

Woke up today at the grand old time of 11.15amm, after a great Saturday night. Loved the gig and afterwards, loved visiting my heart's passion; drinking wine, discussing, giggling, being silly and listening to music - a beautiful end to a fun night.
I felt rather tired on waking and looked around my messy bedroom. It's so messy! I keep on reminding myself that I need to clean it. It didn't happen.
Instead, I lay in bed until 12.30pm and went about my lazy Sunday business, chilling, listening to music, tidying downstairs somewhat.
Sunday late afternoon, a friend nipped to see me and invited me to see a 'folky' type gig in a local pub. I ummed and ahhed for a while, as I felt a little hungover but then thought to myself, why not?
So, I met my friend in the pub and sat and listened to a pretty cool and ambienty folk band consisting of Acoustic guitar, Mandolin, Bass Guitar, keyboard, Saxophone, Lead Guitar and female/male harmony vocals. The sound of sax really added something special to this music...although my friend and I concluded that 'tom tom' drums would have added a little more specialness and rhythm to the music.
I drank quite a few glasses of Baileys and felt like I was winding up towards a chilled Xmas.
We left the pub and I said my farewells to my friend and cycled home whilst the wind blew through my hair and refreshed my warm, glowing, contented skin.
What a delightful weekend..

Strength

After my emotional week, I've found a strength again from somewhere..This strength has just sort of come over me today whilst I've been contemplating things. I've decided that I need to start thinking of the old saying 'Onwards and Upwards.' I'm mainly a fairly strong person anyway, but sometimes in life it'd be good to sit back and let life pass me by without the passing feel of 'needing inner strength.'

Anyway, from now on, I need to start enjoying my life on a new level and enjoy what it throws in my direction. I need to spread my wings in some respects and think more about my inner needs and enjoyment, in fact watching a programme on TV last night called 'Healing Plants' reminded me about my love for herbalism. I hope to reignite my love and passion for reading about herbalism. I have a good knowledge 0f herbs and their healing properies already so it'd be good to compliment my already gained knowledge. I haven't made a herbal tincture in years but this programme last night, gave me a wee bit of inspiration to revisit this old passion of mine.

Tonight? I'm off to see some gigs in aid of Women's Aid - all worthy causes. It'll be good to see some friends and to listen to a female punk band I've wanted to see for quite a while. Here's to strength and life...

Please help..how do I stop loving?

Recently, this week in fact, things have been rather turbulent with me. My mood has fluctuated from being calm and sure, to angry and sad. I know where these feelings have been born from.
The trouble is, when you have so much love in your heart for someone, how do you stop this? Is it possible to stop this? Is it wise to stop wishing?
Last night, I made a fool of myself. I was antagonistic, angry, challenging and emotional as hell. I knew visiting my loved one, was a mistake so soon. But the trouble is, when you're so in love with someone, you just want to see them. The excitement mounts and the anticipation aches; This was me last night, prior to visiting my beloved.
After my changeable, emotional outbursts at my loved one, I returned home and sobbed for hours. I then fell into a deep sleep.
I dreamed about my beloved. I dreamed I was lying next to him, our hands met each others and clasped together. A heat so intense was generated through our palms. I felt at one, I felt happy and sure.
I woke up this morning to realise that this had all been a dream. I honestly thought it was real.
I sobbed again and laid in my bed, drifting in and out of sleepworld, until 3pm today..
I wish I could sleep for a month and forget my troubles and wake up to a world that feels a little kinder and a little more loving...I wish my beloved loved me, as strong as I love him.

Toxic Thought for the Day

The Season of Goodwill? The season of fucking bollocks if you ask me...

Thought for the day

The sky has been 'moody' today. Miserable grey but so enchanting and powerful! Dark grey clouds, have been drifting speedily across the sky in vortex like shapes...How manic but heavenly, are clouds at times?

Great, fun weekend

Had a good weekend folks, apart from a few down points, the weekend was lovely. Friday night, I went along to see a gig with some friends, which proved good fun and cheap! I was given 'free' entrance to the gig, saving me a fiver! How lucky was I?
I then went to see 'he whom I love' and had a beautiful, special time with him. T'was lovely to see him although I was rather drunk and he was sober, I sense I was being a little lairy, cheeky, silly and all of the things that alcohol, cause the brain to ridiculously do!
Saturday, I chilled right out, as I was a little hungover and tired from the night's shenaningans. I decided to get a curry Saturday night and get an early night, hitting my bed at 11pm. This was just what the body needed...Later on I received a suprise phone call from above person asking me to go and see him at 3.30am. No, was my reply at first but that soon became yes!
God, I'm such a hedonist and fun lover at times! (I have been called incourageable in the past - this label seems to still stick on some level I think)
At the end of the day though, philosophical head kicking in here, as humans, we do have to 'go with what we feel there and then' and enjoy these times.
I sure as hell had one great night and had a cheeky smile and grin Sunday early morning! Impulsivity and spontaneity are still pretty exciting in my opinion.
Sunday day, the less said the better; Long story and one I that I frankly, don't want to go into.

Today, I'm feeling pretty good.. I feel life is turning around for me in many ways. I relish being in my house at night time now, getting all cosy with my cushions, candles burning, fire flaming and listening to music. I love it! I feel so free and content. OK there are bad days here and there but the best way to alleviate those, is to simplify life, in my honest opinion; not getting hung up, not panicking, loving those people who bring joy and laughter and love to my life, taking each day as it is and basically, enjoying each moment for what it is and what it brings.
I still look to the future and have many wishes but I do feel that now my living situation is a lot simpler and freer, I don't have such an urge to look too much into the future because I'm enjoying the present greatly, if that makes sense?

Happy week ahead people..

Things that I love.....

Seeing loved ones
Spending time with a loved one
Loving
Discussions into the early hours
Philosophing
Being physical, tactile and admiring such beauty, in a face
Snogging intensely
Hugging forever
Feeling the warmth of naked skin and relishing smell
Listening to music and music being played
Getting stoned at the weekend
Watching good films
Eating curry - Hmmm this I may do tonight. I have CURRY URGE
Drinking Vodka and Coke and (black Russians when feeling decadent) and red wine
Eating fresh bread and continental cheeses especially Jarlsberg, Leerdamer, Brie, Gruyere and Camembert
Reading the Saturday Paper
Dancing
Swimming
Cycling
Walking
Looking at nature and its beauty; totally overcomes me
Gardening when I have my 'gardening' head on
Reading books that are worthy of my time and patience
Getting excited about Midwinter and Xmas
Daydreaming and replaying my own special 'memories' in my head
Walking in nature
Cartman from South Park
Fresh Coffee
Laughing
Crying, for the releasing of emotion


To love things, is a joy to life itself.

And, as one of my favourite 80s musicians Matt Johnson superbly sings...

"Love, love, love is stronger than death"

Intense Dreaming

Blimey, talk about the power of dreams. I've been dreaming so much this last week! They've been great and somewhat distrurbing at the same time and sooooooooooo visual!
I remember 2 dreams from last night. Dream 1, I was going to be forced to have my hair shaved off but I was getting really worried about it because I love my hair so much. I was panicking in my dream about waiting for my turn. I was trying to find ways off getting out of having my head shaved! God only knows what the hell this dream represents.

Dream 2 was amazing. I'd gone to India to work as an English teacher. When I arrived there, I was invited to the previous teacher's leaving party, which happened to be a good friend of mine in real life, called Liza. We got drunk on red wine and then decided to go for a tour of the town im her open top car. I kept telling her to turn the head lights on, as it was really dark but she declined to, saying that it was safer to leave them off! I was sorta gripping my seat worried about whether we'd arrive to our destination safely!
We arrived at the River Ganges, which in the dream was beautiful. She took me to a place that was like a sort of 'Bohemian area'. It was really cool, with a great vibe happening.The next thing I know, we're walking down some really narrow streets, with beautifully painted and mosaic tiled, buildings. The streets were full of motorbikes and bicyles all lined up, so much so, that we couldn't get passed them to reach our next destination. I wish I could draw these gorgeous buildings from my dream because they were so bright, beautiful and colourful!
The next thing I know, I'm back at the River Ganges and admiring the river. The end!

Phew, my mind is one overactive little machine at night time. I love it!

Reflection for the day

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

Spring Revisited

Rewinding her thoughts, she remembered the first time she met the psyche's squatter. That first, fateful meeting was on a cold, end of February evening; Dancing, drinking, loving life, journeying through the realms of music and beats, she hadn't felt so good in a long time.INTERRUPTION.
A voice from nowhere. Surprise.
She turned to see a rather shy but smiling face, comment on her dancing. "A good dancer".
She took these words as truthful and as a kind and thoughtful , observational compliment. Why would anyone want to lie about such a subject as dancing?
The offer of a drink was accepted. She drank Vodka; he drank Red Stripe.
Dancing? Her mind wondered off to think about her dancing. A.N Other had always laughed at her dancing. Laughed? He thought she was a 'funny' dancer. How could two people think so differently about the same person? What a undesirable way to describe the way a lover moves their body to music..had she always been so undesireable to A.N Other? She feared that maybe she had, in many respects, hence her desire and yearning for attention and love.
She rewinded her thoughts to the continual, lonely nights she had spent whilst living with A.N Other. No woman alive deserved to feel that sort of rejection and loneliness. No-one. 5 years she reckoned of feeling empty and lonely. 5 years! What a waste of precious time.

She thought about the mystery of chemistry and attraction. Chemistry was certainly a mystery and mainly, she felt, was confined to love. Chemistry had never been 100% with A.N Other. A.N Other was thoughtful and caring but lacked an emotional depth, that she hoped would surface with time. Sadly, this never happened.

The psyche's squatter? Who was this person? She was so taken aback by the beauty in the psyche squatter's face; Shapely, full, yet beautifully sculptured lips. Lips that were artistically perfected. Lips she felt, would be so sensual and yet cushion soft to kiss. Eyes that showed depth. Depth that seemed to be confined to a mysterious yet stormy, troubled ocean. She couldn't, at that moment in time, focus on the colour of the psyche squatter's eyes, their depth seemed to hide their 'true colour'. In later time, she discovered the blueness of these depth pools. A nose that was soft and small. Unlike her own nose, the psyche squatter's nose was also perfectly formed. Forehead? The psyches squatter had already bore frown lines, although he was still fairly young.
Lines on foreheads? She loved lines of foreheads. To her, it meant 'depth' and 'thought'. Lines of worry, angst, thought, philosophising. Lines were considered extremely sexy and attractive to her. The psyche's squatter, she started to realise in a short time of observing his face, was to her, extremely handsome and someone she instantly felt a 'physical' attraction to.
Wondering out into the fresh air, she first kissed the psyche's squatter, under a metal stairway. The first kiss of those soft cushiony lips made her feel overcome with passion and warmth. The second kiss, on a stairway, in darkness, reawoke her senses in a way that hadn't been awoken for years. The reciprocal yearning seemed to be magnetic, electric, heavenly charged. She felt like a volt of energy had energised her soul and relit her ashen fire, back to life. She was alive again....the journey had begun..

Thought for the week - an old Celtic Proverb

Three candles dispel the darkness; truth, knowledge and the ways of nature.

Impossibilty

An impossibilty for me
Not to touch your beautiful body.
A feeling so truly divine
To feel your legs, wrapped around mine.
A spark so intense
To savour your lips on mine.
A heat so passionate and true
Burns, when my heart lies close to you.
An impossibilty to deny
A love that sends me so high.

Connections

Had a chilled weekend. haven't done a great deal but spent a fair bit of time at the cemetery yesterday, mourning my Mother and the year that's passed since her death. I cycled to the cemetery, which was a little testing as my bike is getting a bit worn out. The journey felt tiring but it also enabled me to shed tears as I was cycling. This strenuous activity mixed in with my grief, seemed to compliment each other. I also imagined times gone by, when people had life so much harder physically, than we have today. They must've shed tears about so many things.

Once at the cemetery, it was actually really relaxing to sit there, all alone, with no distractions and no speech but silence. I felt like I could've been in the middle of the countryside, it was just so peaceful. The trees' branches, mainly evergreens, Yews, blew softly in the wind and the sky was beautifully clear, with a hint of sunshine peering. I knelt at my Mum's graveside and shared my thoughts with her. I also shared my hopes and wishes.
The visit to her grave and my grieving did me the world of good and reminded me about how much we should enjoy life but that we should appreciate those who we love dearly.

I can honestly say, that I've never loved anyone quite so much as my beloved friend. Even a friend today commented to me, that the love I have for this person, is a lot stronger than any of my ex partners. I agreed.

I am also glad that I have this love, it doesn't threaten me, it feels simple in many ways but complex in others. I know that even if we never end up together, as is looking to be the case, he's showed something to me that has been so important. He's shown me a deep, emotional passion and sharing of minds that I've never experienced in my life. This is difficult to explain but it's to do with how people connect with each other on an intimate, emotional, spiritual and physical level. I know I was meant to meet him for whatever reason but one thing's for sure, I'm so glad that he came to me when he did, even though there's been sorrow and pain at times, I sort of understand why this has been the case. I've learned quite a lot about him too as a man and a person in his own right, which has been extremely good for me. So, all in all, I thank whoever it may be out there, for enabling the tracing of paths to those really special people, with whom we find the most beautifullest of connections with.

Have a peaceful Sunday out there.

Dreams

I've recently started dreaming loads again. The weirdest is when you dream about someone whilst, you're in their presence. I stayed with the person who I'm in love with the other night and I woke up on quite a few occasions to realise that I'd been dreaming about him! There he lay right next to me in 'sleeptime' unaware of my dreaming about him.
One of the dreams involved myself, him and his ex, who I've never met. The other was a replay almost, of the night I shared with him! Bizzarre.

I love dreaming, I love the way the mind is able to play 'film like' images in your head, whilst you sleep. The power of the mind is just amazing! Hopefully, more nice dreams to come for me....

A year ago this weekend

I can't believe that a year has nearly passed since the passing of my Mother; it's still all so clear in my head. The whole weekend is as clear as crystal for me and especially the morning of my Mum's death.

All I remember feeling, when I saw my Mum lying in her bed at peace, was complete disbelief, I kept saying her name, waiting for a response from her, until my sister gently came over to me and hugged me. I knew then that my Mum had passed.
It was all so surreal in many ways and 'out of reality'. My final resting memory of her, is a peaceful and happy one;I couldn't believe how much she resembled herself as a child. I'd seen photos of her when she was small and her face almost replicated the one in the childhood photos. She was at peace and at complete rest.

I really think death is a time that we should have more involvelment with because it really is a 'part of the process' of life. Therefore, to take death and dying from the home and into 'hospital' surroundings, makes death more controlled and clinical. I think other cultures have got it right with regards to death. The Mexicans celebrate it, ancient cultures saw it as moving on to 'other worlds'.

I'm thankful that my Mum passed away at home, in the comfort of her bed. I'm thankful that my Mum was such a good mother to me and taught me the values that I have today. My mum always saw the 'good' in people. She always felt people should be treated fairly.

I miss the times, as a teenager, that I used to sit up late at night, talking about all different things with my Mum. I know my Mum was always a little fearful that I was 'too sensitive' at times. But at the end of the day, this was my personality and I'm glad to be of a sensitive nature. It also makes me sensitive to those around me to the point whereby I can often 'sense' their pain and unhappiness.

Therefore, I want to thank but remember my Mum this weekend, for giving me life and being the listening ear and loving, understanding person she was.

So today, I'm off to the cemetry later on with a few pots of fresh Heather and some fresh flowers. My Mum loved the plant Heather because it could be so colourful, at this dark time of the year. I also want a plant that will endure the cold, winter months and Heather is perfect for this, it's a beautiful, hardy little plant.I also love the fact that it grows high up on the hills. I love the Heather that grows around the peak area, high up on the Grindsbrook area of Edale. Beautiful, delicate and bright purple.

Janet Patricia 27th November 2005
Your memory and soul lives on in the heart and soul of all who loved you.

Cherish

I spent last night in the presence, of the person I cherish. Although we are only friends, I have so much love for this person. I love the time I spend with him; I feel happy, magical, contented, warm, playful and all sense of time stands still..time that I cherish so much. I had such a wonderful time with him discussing things, listening to music and trying to work out crosswords, which in the end, made us really laugh.
I'm so glad that our paths crossed when they did and that we are still able to share the most lovely, special times together.

I'll cherish him forever more.

Goodbyes and hope for others

I've been teaching for some time in a probation hostel and within this time, I've been teaching 2 brilliant ex offenders/students/people; Whatever the PC terminology may be.
These students have been such a pleasure to teach, they've been inquisitive, humorous, critical, communicative, thoughtful, understanding, etc etc. Today was their last day with me. I actually felt rather choked up to be saying goodbye to these two men. I'm unaware of their crimes but I know one had been in prison for a long time, which may well mean schedule 1, or violent offences.
Films worked really well with these students and was a great way to introduce 'sensitive' subjects such as mental health, violence, drugs, racism, sexism. The discussions that were born through the watching of films were absolutely excellent and compassionate. So, when people are quick to judge those who commit crimes, deep down, I feel that most people have a sense of compassion and empathy.
These two guys certainly showed a great deal of empathy. One of the students in particular, whilst watchimg a film, was trying hard to hold back the tears. This really touched me and for some reason, always does. To see a man cry, or show emotion in this way, always gets to me and moves me; when I was a child and saw my Mum cry, that used to really get to me too.
I know it sounds odd in some respects because we are all capable of crying, but for some reason when men and parents cry, I want to cry with them.
Anyway, these guys especially loved 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest' and 'Cry Freedom'. These films really did spark up some interesting debates, so much so, that I urged one of them to go and study Sociology. He laughed when I sugggested this but deep down, I feel he was proud that someone had actually believed he could study further and took the college prospectus away with him.

So today for me was a rather sad one, although for them, a bright, new beginning in the wide world. I wish them both the best of luck and I really hope that they will fulfill their wishes, now that they're 'free men'.

I'm so stupid

Today I've been stupid. I've wrote some really nasty words to someone.
I should've stopped myself. I should've ignored them.
I'm ashamed of myself and my behaviour.
The reason I feel like this is because deep down I'm really, really sad. The thing I want and love, I can't have and it's just horrible to feel like this.
I've also been treated pretty diabollically really too, which hasn't helped me and my emotions; when people give you a little hope, the light shines but when they take this hope away, darkness is all encompassing.

Abrupt end to the night

I write this in the darkness of early Sunday morning because I've had diffculty sleeping. I went to the party and had such good fun.However, I had to leave around 11.45pm, which is really early for me because I started to feel really poorly. Not through too much booze or anything but just felt ill. I felt sick, dizzy, breathless and as though my heart was 'racing' and generally, just really needed to get home. I was really sad about having to leave, as the party was really warming up. I was also hoping to go dancing later on too, as there was a free club night of music that I specifically love. However, in my heart, I knew what was best for me and my body. My bed.

I fell asleep for a small while having one of the most 'bizarrest' dreams whereby I decided to shave my hair really short!! Madness! The last time I had a shaved head was in the 80s and that was mainly the back and sides of my head. My Mum would never let me go the 'whole hog' of a shaved head! Anyway, in the dream, the shaved head was great and so easy to maintain! I loved feeling my head to in the dream, because I love the feel of shaved heads!

Anyway, I still feel poorly and need bed so I at least I've done something constructive whilst feeling unwell. My mind has also wandered off though, into the memories of my Mother who passed over nearly a year ago, November 27th 2005. One week today. I can't believe a year has nearly passed of not seeing her.

Goodnight people and sleep tight.

Clarity

Had a quiet night last night. Stayed in and listened to Calexic, Banco and my new William Orbit CD - Hello Waveforms. This man is a genius!
I also watched Brokeback Mountain. I thought it was a good expression of how people who love someone from the same sex had and still do, difficulties regarding the sexualty and acceping it. I was also touched by the love the two characters had for each other, but it saddned me that they had to 'pretend' in their daily life, hence me changing my own life situation cos there's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone, who deep down, you know that the love has died.
I feel so free in many ways and this feel of freedon is giving me a real sense of clarity and strength. I'm off out tonight to a party which I know will be good fun.
I also feel that I have a little more clarity about the person I love. If they do ever want to be with me, I know this will happen when they're ready. In the meantime, I plan to start enjoying my life and my times out with friends and let fate, whatever that may be, work its magical ways.

Daydreaming

The day started off grey and rainy, to be given away to bright blue skies and brilliant sunshine, then back again to grey rain.
I'm sat in my bedroom after just going shopping for some bits for the weekend. Iwas supposed to be going out for a curry tonight but I've decided to stay in because I have a bit of a cold and want to feel better for tomorrow as a friend is celebrating her birthday in a bar in Nottingham, which I really want to show my appearance at because although she's not a freind I see very often, I have a lot of love for her; she's kind, caring, understanding, fun and a genuine person.
I've decided therefore to stay in and watch a dvd and maybe order a take away.
Anyway, whilst shopping, I stood at the check out to pay for my food, when I heard the cashier repeat the amount to pay. I was totally in a dream world.
My daydreaming had took me back to a feeling I have when I'm intimate with the person I love; lying in his arms, listening to music on his bed and feeling a warmth inside, with a feel of breathlessness when he kissed me. I remember one time in June we laid right at the edge of the bed, in each others arms and listened to some really beautiful music - The Flaming Lips. What an apt name for a band at that moment in time. I remember feeling such love and warmth from him, it made me want to hold him forever and never let go. I was all ancompassed by such a strong feeling.
These memories are pure, beautiful heaven for me. They still make my stomach churn, I become breathless and extremely warm, when just thinking about these.

My oh my, nature and energy really do have a strong force at times.

Abode

Seeing you delight,
As you walk into my space,
Set my heart on fire,
My pulse speedily raced.
Watching your eyes wonder,
Drink- in my abode,
Warmth and inspired feeling,
To me that night, you showed.
Wait for you, so nervous,
Butterflies of love.
Stomach and heart a flutter
Tickling wings above.
Beautiful presence in mine
Heady, my soul did shine
Wishing presence will return
Passion inside me burns.

Music invokes

Today I was going to go and watch a film but then I realised that I'd made a mistake; The film is actually being shown tomorrow and most of next week. I hope I can still go and see it, as childcare issues may get in the way next week.
The film's called 'Candy' and is about a drug addict who falls in love with a woman. The story focusses around their chaotic but passionate times together, that eventually lead down an ever winding path of destruction. I look forward to viewing this.

Instead, I've been listeining to some tracks from the new CD by William Orbit- 'Hello Waveforms'. I'm a big fan of his music because his sounds really do take me on an emotional and enlightening journey. They invoke feelings of contemplation, sadness, energy, dreams and wonder.

Get listening if you'd like some deep feelings to be invoked.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=45429228

A Journey of Goodbye

Something's missing

The reason I feel so sad I think, is because I miss the person I love. I know he chooses not to share times with me and I'm finding it hard to be friends on a 'platonic' level because when I see him, all I want to do is hold him and be affectionate with him...
I like holding him and I love being affectionate and playful with him. I think this is why I'm feeling sad. I know he doesn't want me to feel bad or sad but I just can't help feeling like this. It's difficult too when you feel like you've met someone that you have an 'emotional connection' to. Sometimes I think to myself..Am I deluded? Other times, after and when I'm in his company, I know I'm not because the air and presence feels really quite 'magical'. Maybe I'm far too much of a dreamer and drift off a bit too much. However, when someone's on your mind and in your heart so much, that tells me something important.
Anyway, I know I need to get a grip and I'm really trying to as best as I can.

Thanks people for being patient and even reading my depressing rambles at times.

Oh My

Oh my, today's a terribly sad one.
I think the bed calls me today for comfort.
It'll pass.
It has to pass, the day is such a beautiful day
I need to remind myself, of all of the beauty in it.
Have a beautiful day people.

My thought for the week

As you know, I'm a big lover of nature. I'm loving this wet and windy autumnal blustery weather, it's so refreshing. The leaves are so beautiful to look at, whilst they lie on the ground in their golden glory, waiting to turn crispy brown. The imagination runs wild when you look at the patterns that fallen leaves make on the ground and indeed have, in their own right.

Therefore my thought for this week comes from a quote by William Blake; what a genius, visionary and romantic. His writing is still important today and therefore I've chosen one of my favourite quotes from him

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity... and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself.

Tough Decisions Ahead

Well, it seems I may have some tough decision making to do. A colleague at another college seems adamant on getting me a job in Sheffield. It seems there's some work that could be starting in January. Decision making time folks.

I'm very tempted to go in all honesty. I think I need to break free from my mindset in Nottingham. There's too many memories for me here and I do feel like I need to wipe the slate clean and start anew.New beginnings are always good. I need to keep telling myself that my love isn't interested in me, on the level that I'd like because frankly, I'm totally delusional and therefore, there's no point really of staying in Nottingham.
I so want to be near the Peaks but I have a dilemma with my son's father and my eldest son's schooling. These factors really need to be taken into account of. I've been invited to the see the college and may well head up in the next few weeks to get some feel for the place and decide on whether I really want to make this change in my life.

My oh my, this year has been one of change. So much change.

Venus in Furs

I absolutely love this track by The Velvet Underground. I don't know if many of you know about its origins? Well, the lyrics come from an old book called 'Venus in Furs' written in 1870 by Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch.
I started to read this book many years ago but never finished it off because I was too preoccupied with other stuff. So, I've taken the plunge to start and read this book once again. I'm actually really fascinated by the story, as it's about the authors life, beliefs and desires and seemingly, pretty risque when it was wrote. I'm looking forward to burying my head once again in the 1870s...

"Venus in Furs (first published in 1870 under the title Venus im Pelz in German) is possibly the best known of its author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's works. The novel was part of an epic series which Sacher-Masoch envisioned which he called “The Heritage of Cain,” which was to have six parts, which was to contain 6 stories each on the subjects of: Love, Property, The State, War, Work, and Death. “Venus in Furs” was part of Love, which contained five additional stories.
The novel draws themes and character inspiration heavily from Sacher-Masoch’s own life. Wanda von Dunajew (the woman in which the novel centralizes around) was named after Fanny Pistor who was an emerging literary writer. The two met when Pistor contacted Sacher-Masoch, under the fictitious title of a noble Baroness Bogdanoff for suggestions on improvement of her works, to make them suitable for publication. Inventing such a title for herself is telling of the fanciful aspect of her character that would make possible the charming and outrageous nature of their love affair.
On December 8, 1869 Leopold and Fanny signed a contract making Leopold von Sacher-Masoch the slave of Fanny Pistor Bogdanoff for the period of six months, with the stipulation, doubtlessly at Sacher-Masoch’s suggestion, that the Baroness wear furs as often as possible, especially when she was in a cruel mood. Sacher-Masoch was given the alias of “Gregor,” and fitted out in disguise as the servant of the Baroness. The two traveled by train to Italy. As in the novel, he traveled in the third class compartment, while she had a seat in first class, arriving in Venice (Florence, in the novel), where they were not known, and would not arouse suspicion.
Sacher-Masoch's fantasies and fetishes, were attempted his fantasies with all his mistresses and wives. After his love-affair with Fanny Pistor, Sacher-Masoch married his first wife, Aurora Rümelin, and pressured her into living out the experience of his book "Venus in Furs", against her preferences. This marriage was an utter failure and he soon got a divorce and married his assistant. In his late 50s, his mental health began to deteriorate and he spent the last years of his life in a pyschiatric asylum. According to official reports, he died in Lindheim, Germany in 1895; however some claim that he actually died in an asylum in Mannheim in 1905."

Body Art

Today's been a ponderous day. I went for a windy, autumnal bike ride and really enjoyed all of the beautiful colours that are found in nature, this time of the year. I also decided to visit an art gallery because of my interest in an artist called Hetain patel. He uses henna/mendhi art to decorate his body. How truly beautiful and erotic that a man paints and decorates himself like this? Although he isn't doing this for the sake of beauty but more out of curiosty and confusion around the issue of identity for second generation Asians.

I quote...

"The concerns in my practice revolve around the displacement of Indian culture to the UK and how this goes about shaping my identity as a British Indian.Identity confusion in second generation immigrants comes from the fact that we have never experienced our parents’ ‘home land’ culture in the totality of its original context. Specifically in my case I was born and raised in England, not India. And although I lead a largely western lifestyle, I still feel rooted within certain Indian ideals. The question is, to what extent?"

http://www.hetainpatel.com/index.php

Henna as a medium, is quite difficult but beautiful to work with. I used to spend ages decorating my own hand and arm, with henna. It has one of the most 'earthy' smells I've ever come across. In teaching sessions too, I've often used Mendhi art as a vehicle to motivate people successfully.
I urge anyone who has an interest in body art, to visit this exhibition and find yourself en-tranced by this wonderful artist's work.

Moving Music

Music moves me in so many ways; tears, joy, happiness, mania, sadness, movement of hairs, contemplate, mind travel, dream, wish, memories, anger, thought provoking, contentment, at peace, relaxed, dance, headrush, save and on and on and on.

Music? Such a sacred gift to have in our life. The musical gift today has been sent by Calexico and the Feast of Fire album. One of my favourite tracks on this album is called 'Not Even Stevie Nicks'

Not Even Stevie Nicks

With a head like a vulture and heart full of hornets

he drives off the cliff and into the blue

not even the priestess with her wrenches and secret powers

could save (steer) him from danger for a little while

not even she could save him

Reflective few days

I've had a few really reflective days. I went out last night and became upset on the way home. Upset because I miss the person I love and because I know I have to try and break free of these emotions.
Today though, I've been reading some Dalai Llama writings and thought I'd share these with you. If all humans aspired to live their lives in this way, I feel the world would be free of suffering.

The Goal

Most people have heard of nirvana. It has become equated with a sort of eastern version of heaven. Actually, nirvana simply means cessation. It is the cessation of passion, aggression and ignorance; the cessation of the struggle to prove our existence to the world, to survive. We don't have to struggle to survive after all. We have already survived. We survive now; the struggle was just an extra complication that we added to our lives because we had lost our confidence in the way things are. We no longer need to manipulate things as they are into things as we would like them.

Four Noble Truths

(1) the noble truth that life involves suffering
(2) the noble truth that suffering arises from craving
(3) the noble truth that suffering ends with the removal of craving
(4) the noble truth that there is a way to the end of suffering.

3 unwholesome truths

(1) We must overcome exploitative greed with global generosity, helpfulness, and cooperation.(2) We must replace hatred and revenge with a policy of kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. (3) We must recognize that our world is an interdependent, interwoven whole such that irresponsible behavior anywhere has potentially harmful repercussions everywhere

Inequalities

What is the cause of the inequality that exists among mankind? Why should one person be brought up in the lap of luxury, endowed with fine mental, moral and physical qualities, and another in absolute poverty, steeped in misery? Why should one person be a mental prodigy, and another an idiot? Why should one person be born with saintly characteristics and another with criminal tendencies? Why should some be linguistic, artistic, mathematically inclined, or musical from the very cradle? Why should others be congenitally blind, deaf, or deformed? Why should some be blessed, and others cursed from their birthspray.

May We Appreciate and RememberToday
may we appreciate this food and remember those who are hungry.
May we appreciate our family and friends and remember those who are alone.
May we appreciate our health and remember those who are sick.
May we appreciate the freedoms we have and remember those who suffer injustice and tyranny.

Going to Sleep

Falling asleep at last, I vow with all beings to enjoy the dark and the silence and rest in the vast unknown.

Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well.
Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source

“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”

Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.A.N Other had become 'another' to her. Vacant.
The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life.
She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing
1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of. Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....

Winter is upon us.

Wow, the weather's certainly getting a bit on the cold side tonight. The object of my love came over to my house for the first time today and it was touching to hear how he felt my home reflected me so much. A pretty accurate observation I'd say really. I wanted to show him all around my house because although he's known me over 18months, he's never stepped a foot into my house until today, which is pretty shit for him, in all honesty. Saying that, I loved going to his place because it always felt like a really peaceful and warm place to be. A bit of a sanctuary in many ways for me, away from my own life and its problems. It always had a certain smell too which even in the new place where he lives, that smell has followed.

Anyway, after he'd gone I sat contemplating everything and tears welled up in my eyes and dropped onto my cheeks and an envelope, that laid on the table.

I decided after this emotional outburst, to take myself out for a while on a bike ride. It was wonderful to feel the cold air on my skin and smell the frosty, winter air. I also noticed that the moon is half full and waning, on this clear night. It put things a little into perspective for me. I really wished that things could be different. I know they can't but I so wish they could. I've waited so long to be alone and properly available to share good times and now that I'm available, my love isn't wanted. It's a weird old world really because the things that you feel may been in your grasp, often move further and further away from it.

Winter, its coldness and darkness will give me the much needed time to reflect on many things and hopefully will put a lot of things to rest.

New Day, New Start

Sorry people for my miserable outbursts. I've been going through a lot of pain really for quite a long time, in one way or another.
I've always wanted to be with a person who can't be with me, for whatever; I love him unconditionally but I now realise that 20 months is a long time to wait for a person who doesn't want to be with me. In this time also, my Mother has died and I finally, have managed to untie the leash of a long term dead relationship, after years of feeling a great sense of emotional dissatisfaction.
I always, in my hearts of hearts, felt I would eventually be with the person, whom I feel an unconditional love for. I guess this is never going to happen. I guess I've been far too stuck in a dream world of delusional thoughts and wishing something more would materialise with this beloved.
Sadly, I'm now trying to face the reality of cutting off my emotions. I find this hard to do, when I have so much love for the person. I know through history, lovers have felt this pain and woe but it's just so tragically upsetting, especially when 'the beloved' has been in your thoughts since you met them; You've shared warm times with them, you feel connected to them, you feel a real sense of 'love' from them, you love being with them and you hate being away from them and you feel special when you're with them. All of these feelings are really hard to just cut off for me but I know I have to try my best to do this. I know a flame in me, will feel like it's dying but I hope someday, a flame will be reignited again.

God I give up

I've really had enough today.
I can't be arsed with anything or anyone.
I'm sick of people messing my head around...hiding snippets of information from me, that actually, are really important for me to know. I'm sick of being seen as second besat and unworthy.. I give up from now on, I really do.

I want peace now. I need peace. I need to build my strength, my soul and my heart.

God, I'm hard work!

Yes folks, I've finally admitted to myself that I'm hard work; An emotional nightmare full of delusional fantasy and dreams. I therefore realise that my life is destined to be one of a solitary nature, where no man will be subjected to the following traits

1. Emotional and able to understand and express feelings
2. Music lover and creative
3. Reader and poetry lover
4. Philosophiser of life - Buddhist/Existentialist traits
5. Recreational pot smoker and red wine/Vodka drinker and at Xmas, Tia Maria has been known to pass my ruby lips
6. Passionate in and out of the sack
7. Romantic but not always able to verbalise romantic thoughts 'in the moment' but they are there. I think I may have slight learning difficulties with this area of my brain, hence the feeling of wanting to kick oneself at times
8. Occasional mood swings, especially around the time of menstruation
9. Doesn't want kids ever again, unless truly 'in love', safe and feel protected and cared for
10. Lover nature - get out of ya cars you polluting bastards!
11. Lover of films - the more art house and obscure, the better. Although I have been known to watch 'Home Alone' and laugh at least twice, especially when Macauly sets all of the traps up.I like his tactics.
12. Understands the need for a woman to yell out loud , at times.
13. A blank, vacant expression, at certain times in the month in no way means, that I'm disinterested.
14. Dreams and a dreamer
15. Spontaneous and impulsive
16. Incourageable
17. Love food and don't give a shit about fatty foods, bring it on you 'diet whores.'
18. Ranter and aggressive at times of injustice
19. Writer of deep thoughts and emotions
20. Giving.
21. Believer in honesty and openess
22. A craver of love and affection; known to be classed as 'needy' from the opposite sex.(Hmm I'd query that one with the few - mainly one man, who belives this, they have the emotional blockage I'd argue here and are unable to reach a deeper level of emotional attachment. I like loving and hugging and die without bodily warmth, emotion and connection. Believe me, I'd been emotionally dead for about 5 years, up until about 18 months ago)
God, that's one hell of a list. Solitary life becomes me and my sad cocoon.

Arthur Lee lyrics

Been listening to the lyrics of Arthur Lee and Love; One of my all time 60s bands. This man was a true legend and I'm so glad I went to see him perform a few years ago. I was impressed. Love the lyrics to this song.

The Red Telephone

Sitting on a hillside
Watching all the people die
I'll feel much better on the other side
I'll thumb a ride
I believe in magic
Why, because it is so quick
I don't need power when I'm hypnotized
Look in my eyes
What are you seeing (I see...)
How do you feel?
(...you)
I feel real phony when my name is Phil
Or was that Bill?
Life goes on here
Day after day
I don't know if I am living or if I'm
Supposed to be
Sometimes my life is so eerie
And if you think I'm happy
Paint me (white)
I've been here once
I've been here twice
I don't know if the third's the fourth or if the -
The fifth's to fix
Sometimes I deal with numbers
And if you wanna count me
Count me out
I don't need the time of day
Anytime with me's OK
I just don't want you using up my time
'Cause that's not right
They're locking them up today
They're throwing away the key
I wonder who it'll be tomorrow, you or me?
We're all normal and we want our freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom

Fuck emotions

Fuck emotions is my motto today. It don't get you know fuckin where to be an emotional person cos people get so scared of emotions and dealing with them. Well, I damned well know how to deal with my emotions so now, I close them off.
But this isn't the 'real' me. I'm an open, loving person. All I've ever offered to the people who matter in my life, is love. It seems that love is sometimes the wrong thing to offer. I'm so stupid and ridiculous at times.

What a day

Oh dear, after watching this song video on TV last night, it's just made me so sad. Not sad for my ex partner but sad because of the love I have for another.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdjidfbMHDw

The love I feel is so large and mighty, it's tears me apart at times. It's all of my fault too, thinking that I'm strong and able to cope with small snippets of love and affection.

All I want is to share many times with this person, give my love to this person, plan with this person, make this person happy, spend time doing things together, all the things that you do when you're 'in love' with a person. I miss this person so much after I've spent time with him, so much so, that I have a constant ache in my heart. I've never had such depth of feeling for another; My first 'serious' lover comes close but nothing as deep as this.

God, why do I love so very much?

I suppose, as beautiful Sinead hauntingly sings

"I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? He said girl you better try to have fun No matter what you'll do but he's a fool`Cause nothing compares, Nothing compares to you"

Maybe this may be the tonic I need for tonight. Maybe not.

I wish that time stood still

Today I'm rather tired. I really don't care that I'm tired; this sort of tiredness is worthy. I managed to make it to work today, although I was rushing a little as I didn't get home til gone 4am and really didn't want to get out of bed.

I visited heaven again last night. This sort of heaven I never want to end. I love heaven and all that it brings. I wish it were infinite. I wish time would stand still or time could reverse. If I could reverse time, say press a button or some such, I'd go back again to all of the lovely times spent in blissful heaven.

Heaven has a strange effect on me when I've been in this special place; I yearn, I daydream, I fantasise, I smile to myself, I long, I visualise, I replay, I glow, I desire and most of all, I feel a huge sense of warmth and love.

Heaven is truly a magical, beautiful place, but heaven is too short lived for me and the love that burns inside of me.

Argghh what an awful Dream

My God, I woke up this morning feeling worse for ware. I had an awful, awful dream. It involved loads of conflict, ladders,lofts,dust, fibre glass, anger, betrayal and sadness.
It was just horrible and my arm is really hurting today, so fuck knows whether I've been bashing my arm around, whilst sleeping! Ooo I hate those sort of dreams, you know, the ones that make you almost cry when you wake up....Thank God for reality today!

Should I stay or should I go?

Well, been talking to a colleague of mine today who works at a college in Sheffield. He's basically told me that there's a lot of work going up that way and I'd get a job where he works if I applied, due to my experience. This sounds rather tempting and beings as though there's quite a few vacancies there at the mo, I'm tempted.

The one thing that I've wanted in my life for the past 18 months, doesn't ever seem like it's going to be realised; he's made it quite clear to me that all I am is a friend and no more. He's made it clear that he's interested in other people and not me on a relationship level. This saddens me and hurts me so very much but I realise that I have to stop living in a fantasy world and if other opportunities come along then I need to take them. I'm getting no younger in life and therefore want to grab life by the bollocks and enjoy what's out there for me.

So I'm gonna think long and hard over this one but one things for sure, I can't keep on hoping, fantasing and preying for what I want, as these actions seem to get me nowhere in all honesty..especially when I want to share so much with this person.

Kindness and rememberance on Samhain.

Well back to work for me today. Had an OK day but then had a load of arguements with my eldest son when I got home. Life can be a shit at times as a Mum;disrespected, called, abusive comments etc etc.Maybe the evil spirits of Samhain/Halloween were having some effect! Makes me want to bury my head in my hands and cry at times.

However, Another touching moment occurred today in the form of a message from a DJ that I saw live on Saturday and who I'd commented about how much I liked his music on his Myspace page. The sweet guy insisted on sending me a free CD of his music. How great is that? I'm touched and warmed by these sort of actions, kindness and goodness. I can't wait to get listening to his music; Funnily enough, he's a big fan of Way Out West too, one of my all time favourite musicians/DJs.

So, have a peaceful Samhain out there people. I hope the passing spirits are rewarded well..I'm thinking about my Mum right now too, who departed from this world nearly a year ago now and can't help but wonder where her soul may be right now. I'm also thinking about the one I love and I miss him.

I'm also thinking and contemplating the last year of my life, as this time of year tends to make me do this. Samhain ritual does lead one to think and reflect about events/happenings over the past year...
Now? I only want happiness, love, passion and kindness in my life. (OK random sadness here and there is part of life) but this year, since my Mum passed, has been turbulent on the emotions. At least now I know I'm coping better albeit with a few off days and I'm a little stronger with the help, love and support from those around me, who show compassion, understanding and kindness to me.

A reflective Samhain to you all on this peaceful eve.

Horribleness.

I really don't get why some people are horrible to each other? What the fuck is the point of it? Honesty, openess and respect for each other is totally where I'm at. I really don't buy into being horrible to people or for that matter, I don't like hearing about friends, people I love, associates, anyone for that matter, being treated horribly. For God's sake, this is how wars start..don't people actually equate nastiness with the bigger picture and problems on a worldwide scale? I certainly do.

For any people out there who get off on being an arsehole, I suggest you go and read some Buddhist Philosophy for some enlightenment and as a way to live your life. I love someone deeply, hence me never wanting to cause him distress even though he may've not been the sweetest of people at times, but I accept that he will have a bad conscience for actions that may have been hurtful. And, I know he has a conscience; he is a sweet, beautiful person underneath the outer shell, who I've always been so happy to be around and share lovely times with.

So, if anyone you encounter in the nest few days is horrible I suggest you smile at them and go and tell them to become a little more enlightened.

The Power of Bernini

After watching an art programme on Friday night, I've fallen in love with the sculptures created by the Italian genius Bernini. They're so lifelike and to think that a person created these with their own hands out of marble, is just amazing. Enjoy people!

Hooray for a night out.

Finally recovered from the ridiculous whinging that I've inflicted you with over the past few posts. Yesterday had a chilled day and went shopping for a pumpkin. I was hoping to get a 'locally grown' allotment pumpkin but my Dad, who has his own allotment, hasn't grown any this year. Boo Boo. Gonna make some gorgeous pumpkin soup for Halloween, or Samhain as I prefer to call it and maybe invite a few people over for samhain activities. Hopefully I'll get a bonfire going and burn past issues; bit of a Samhain ritual that I like to maintain.
It was wonderful to cycle through a local park; kids out,leaves turning yellow, fresh breeze in the air, crispish feel to the day. I do so love autumn, it's such a special time, it really is.
Last night I was going to stay in but then a friend urged me to go out and I'm glad I did. Had a wonderful night, watching gigs and dancing and met some new people from the forum that I like to read and post on. The most touching conversation was with a guy called Ed. He'd always wanted to meet me in 'real life' and commented on how lovely it was to finally make my acquaintance. We chatted about all things reggae and his move to Nottingham from Brighton.Would've been good to have chatted to him for longer but sadly, the night ended too soon.
Also chatted to some other people from the forum and had a good laugh with them about different things, including my ridiculous rants at times.
Really enjoyed a DJ called Delirium Funk. I'm gonna be watching him closely and aim to see him play at Stealth on November 17th. He's good, really good. Great tunes and a reminder of 90s dance music, which excites me at the best of times.

So people, a happier being am I today, and feeling much more positive about the future and fun that I anticipate.

Oh Dear Lord God

Oh dear me, I was in a BAD HEADSPACE last night. I really was. Sorry to inflict this crap onto you guys.

Self Protection and retracing.

People, I'm getting bored. Bored of cyberspace, bored of real space. The only thing I'm not bored of is being out there in the open, with no-one around me. Sounds mad, I know, but the stay I've just returned from in the peaks really set me up again. I cried when I left. I sat on the top deck of the bus and tears streamed down my face.
I really didn't want to come back to Nottingham;too many memories that tear at my heart. Too much emotional turbulence that has passed through my heart and soul. Too much love lost along the way. Too much of myself now feeling like an empty shell, with nothing left to give anymore. I feel like I'm a shadow of what my energy was. I feel stripped bare of emotion and love.

One thing I did feel love for, was the journey along the top of the peaks near Hathersage and Stannedge Edge. Beautiful, barren and green, yellow red in colour. Whilst I passed this area I wrote a small poem, which I seem to have misplaced along the way.It will return, if it's meant to.

I also loved the journey through the Eccles area of Sheffield. I noted down a few Estate agent's names for further reference, as I would like to think that one day I may well relocate closer to the Peaks. This may take some time but the thought and desire are there in my heart still.
This seems the best thing for me right now; concentrate on the things that have no emotional attachment, that don't cause me pain, that don't make me yearn.It's hard to be able to put my mind into that sort of frame because I'm normally such a warm person, fall of so much love, but for the sake of my heart and mind's protection, I need to focus on the small undetailed things in life.
Yes, I still miss my loved one. I miss him like nothing ever before. I missed him whilst I was away. I dreamed he was there with me sharing warm, passionate times. I pictured him. I sensed him.
I don't know anymore what to think. All I feel is that I've lost out. I've lost him. I've lost in love. That's tough, really tough and I'm therefore in mourning and have now been in this state for quite a while. Hence, the feeling of emptiness and detachment that's plaguing my lonely heart.Maybe I'm just far too deluded and always have been? Like I know, he doesn't have the spark for me that I hold for him and thus, I should yes, just get over it. It's hard to get over someone that you've fallen deeply 'in love' with by accident. Love isn't something that happens easy for me and with many people; these people are few and far between.

Anyway, I must move on from this head state and tell you that I've also been writing a short story but I daren't display it to you people yet. One day, when I feel stronger and more confident I will do it then. I promise.

Until then, have a good weekend and week ahead. I fear I may be less on this blog because I need to stop escaping into cyberworld on some level. I actually want to begin meditating and remembering the simple things in life again. I'm quite bored of the club scene and all the meaningless banter that goes on in it. I want to be around genuine, compassionate people, who are non judgemental and loving towards me. Hence the need for my retracing.

Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well. Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.
Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source
“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”


Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.

A.N Other had become another to her. Vacant. The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.
He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.
The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?
She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life. She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing

1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.
Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.
In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of.
Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....

The force of nature

My thought for the week is

I love to be complimented but all I desire is to feel loved, like nothing ever before on this planet. You can't force love but neither can you deny the forces of nature.

To see a loved one

I went to meet the object of my poems yesterday, just for a quick drink. I was really nervous about meeting him as I haven't seen him for a while. It was good to see him again. I did feel rather restrained, as quite a lot of things have been said in between time. I would've liked to have spent longer with him, but this wasn't to be for him.

The weirdest was, how similar I feel we are. He took the words right out of my mouth when we left the pub by commenting on how weird it is to drink in the day and how when you leave a dark pub, it really affects your eyes. I've always thought this in life and was thinking it yesterday as we left the pub!

I miss this person a lot. I feel that we have a lot of things in common that I miss not sharing more time with him as I used to before. Our lives are different it's true but I don't think these differences matter. I've been quite contemplative since I saw him. I wonder whether he thinks about any of these things? I wonder...

I got home and just thinking and visualising about certain moments that I've shared with him over time, made my stomach and heart flip, which showed me my feelings are still so very strong and forceful.

Message felt my pain

Well as you know people, I tend to be a tad emotional on here at times. I have to admit that most days I cry. Normally late at night when I go to bed and lie there thinking about things that have had a deep impact on me recently.

Anyway, something strange happended last night people. I received a nessage from a person who's the lead singer of a band that I really like. The message touched my heart massively. It was a thoughtful, kind, warm, loving message. The words were so eloquent and kindly put together, that it touched my heart to the point that it made me cry whilst reading it.
The person who wrote it had taken out a lot of time to piece the words together but also gain an understanding of the sort of things I am into, by their reading and interest in my own Myspace website.

The message was also really positive with inspiring thoughts about the future and the bigger picture in life.
I felt this message came to me at the right time on a universal level, because although it made me cry, it made me realise that I need to be around people who bring kindness, love, friendship , sharing and warmth into my life. I am a massive bringer of all of these things and I too need these things to survive on an emotional level.

So I thank this person and the universal message for reminding me about the important qualities in life and of people.

Bored!

This week I'm feeling bored people.

Bored of meaningless rants and dialogue.
Bored of TV.
Bored of Madonna adopting a baby.
Bored of the way we continue to live our lives and fuck up the environment.
Bored of newspapers.
Bored of the scene.
Bored, Bored BORED.
Bored of bill paying and money scraping.

You don't need to try and console me readers, or try to make me feel better. I'm just thinking out loud.

What I'm not bored about though readers, is my mate telling me tonight that her friend has just bought a house to rent out in Marakkesh, as from next year and funnily enough, this is a place I'm longing to visit! It may well be that I get out there sooner than I thought! This is good reader. Very good indeed.

I'm also not bored about going off again, to the Peaks next week. A good old stay in a hotel with brekkie included! Plenty of walking, plenty of fresh air, plenty of solace, plenty of peace, plenty of wilderness.

I'm so ashamed

The other day, I did something I'm not proud of, I reacted angrily and viciously to some comments someone made to me.In the normality of this, people would probably say I was right to act like this.But it just doesn't sit right with me. In fact this someone, is the object of my poems. I felt I had to get all of my anger out about so many things but this has made me feel extremely sad though.

All I really feel for this person is a continual love. I'm mad at myself for saying some of the things that I said. I'm mad at myself for stooping so low to retaliate in this way. I hate being like this with people;it reminds me of school days and how kids call names at each other. It's childish and not something I want to be part of especially when the words are being said to the person I have a deep love for. Even though I'm not with this person or in a relationship with this person, I still care deeply. I still love deeply. I still worry deeply. I still wish deeply.

Although I do feel some of the words I wrote to this person did need to be said, I'm so angry at myself for being so cutting, damning and downright abusive. I don't like acting this way with friends or lovers, for that matter.

I'm annoyed at myself.

Emotional being

Is it just me or do any of you guys have differing changes in your moods fairly often? One day I can feel happy the next I can feel an overwhelming sense of strange sadness. My questions to you people are..

Is this normal?
Is this just part of the human condition?
Is this because the one thing I love, I miss so much and it tears at my heart often.
Is this just because I'm such a sensitive, emotional being?
Is this because I'm a woman?
is this just how I've always been? Hmm,I think maybe I have, in one way or another!

Happiness can't be with us on a daily level I'm sure. Although when I read the Dalai Llama's works, he seems to have sussed it out quite well;I love the fact that the simple things in life, are the ones that bring us happiness.

Have happy, simple days people!

Happiness is........

Do you remember those funny cards and bags that used to be around in the 80s that said stuff like
"Happiness is...." or "Love is........"

Well for some reason these cards/pieces of useless merchandise are on my mind today. I think it's because my soul in some ways feels at peace.

So happiness for me this week is......

A big fat curry tomorrow night with lashings of red wine.

Possibly, a mad night out of dancing on Saturday.

And always remembering the continual passionate and breathless feeling I've felt, when I kissed the object of my poems. God, I can still picture the moments!
This feeling is a rarity.

Thought for the week

The thought of the week for me is....

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

Friday Night Fun

Well honoured readers, I had a fantastic Friday night. The night started off in a local pub, meeting some friends and then on to a Party next to a weir.One of my sweet friends gave me a belated birthday consisting of smellies to put in the bath and incense. How wonderful is that?
Anyway, the people who'd set up the party had really gone to town. It was actually in aid of a guys 40th Birthday;I never got to meet him and say Happy Birthday, sadly!
Diverting back to the party set up, there was a DJ playing some great tunes, A massive party gazebo, a roaring fire, candles and fairy lights, disco balls reflecting the warmth of the fire's flames, chill out tent for casualties, substandard toilet set up and all of this next to a rushing weir! Wow, to look at rushing water with the reflection of a full moon shining its beams, was just something else.
I managed to drink the bottle of vodka I took along together with some unhealthier substances. Saying that, I totally enjoyed the way I was feeling this night and had a smile on my face most of the night. My dear friend Liza, had been watching me dancing and we kept smiling and giggling at each other, she then came up to me whilst dancing and uttered these sweet words

"You are so lovely sweetness, I just want to give you a big hug"

What a diamond friend this woman is.

I continued the night of dancing and got chatting to some sweet people around the fire. From my hazy memory, I recall vaguely discussing the moon, astrology and water!
I managed to get embarrassingly muddy; I fell over on at least 6 occasions and fell down a hole on my way to sit on the toilet! This made me really laugh out loud! I was worried though that the toilet was going to sink into the mud and I'd be stuck in the mud, so to speak!

I finally left the party about 5.30am. Walking home seemed to take a bloody lifetime. I went into my kitchen and dreamed about my loved one. I fell asleep, on the kitchen floor of all places, to be woken by daylight peering through my window and the coldness of my body against my kitchen's lino floor. I dreamed again about my loved one being with me. All in vain, I know.

I had such a wonderful night. I love these sort of nights because they put the world into perspective for me; they remind me that life is for living and making the most out of.

If only..............

If only to lie
on lino with you
You'd make me feel warm,
all the way through
If only to hold you
so longingly tight
The world and my heart
would feel happy, bright.
Lino feeels cold
when lacking deep love
If only you'd warm it,
my sensual passionate dove.

God, the heart continues to crave. If only, the universe and you realised how much I LOVE YOU! If only you wanted to be with me forever. If only we could be as one.
I'll now shut the hell up, cos I'm seriously in 'dream mode'.

Full Moon Emotions

Wow! Wow!

What a strange day. I'm still in yearning but listening to William Orbit sorts my head out a bit, although I do tend to fantasise somewhat to his sounds..they're pretty en-trancing. I dream of sharing these sounds with a beloved. If you want some erotic-ish music to share with a loved one, try the Strange Cargo Hinterland album, Some of the tracks are just out of this world, in my dreamy opinion. Especially love 'She Cries your name', 'El Ninjo','Crimes of the future',Name of the wave' and 'Say Anything'. Wow!

Anyway, No wonder I've felt emotional over the last few days and especially today. 100% Full Moon today folks! Ooooo how I love a full moon. I'm off to an outdoor party tonight near a canal which if the eve stays as it's been today, cool and windy, the eve should be a special one. I'm sure all the wind and spiritual feeling you get with the elements will make the night extra special! Can't wait to feel the wind blow through my hair and the water rustle with my soul. Hoping there'll be an open fire too which will melt away at my heart.

Anyway here's my own astrological forecast and an explanation about the 'Harvest Moon'.

This week's Full Moon is the annual event known in the northern half of the world as the Harvest Moon. Its name is derived from the fact that it rises above the horizon faster than usual ... providing farmers with a period of bright moonlight at the end of the day.

This year, the Harvest Moon falls in the passionate and bold sign of Aries -- inspiring us to take action and follow our desires. As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries -- almost like a child -- has a tendency to be self-focused and can miss perceiving the needs of others. Impulsive and spontaneous, Aries' "go for it" attitude comes in handy when pursuing a prized goal ... but in close relationships, there's a risk of accidentally bruising a loved one's feelings.

As this particular big moon fills out the night sky, it's a good time to contemplate your close connections.


Have special weekends out there folks and thanks for all being such beautiful, kind souls to me.

Need to be annonymous

Thought for the week is

'my ever increasing need to become anonymous.'

Visual Gallery

As a way to move forward in life, I like to live out my dreams. I have loads of 'sleeping' dreams and I also have loads of future dreams. I'd love to live out my 'sleeping' dreams however, I think I may be expecting too much here. Although I do belive in fate and destiny. Anyway, without ranting on about those dreams, I've decided to search for images of places that I want to visit in the future and make a sort of, 'future place dream gallery' along my hallway. This entails creating a visual image gallery of where I must see. I may even put a few poems of mine up there too because I do dream about someone I love. Even if this dream never comes true, it'll always be in my heart, one way or another.
So, the places to go in my gallery include the following

Marrakesh - always had a wild desire to see the markets there and consume the gorgeous buildings.
Cuba - Havana - I'd love to go there before Fidel passes away but I fear this is wildly out of sight, unless I make some money..QUICK!
The Lake District - Love the mountains and the lakes together and entirely doable in the near future.
Scotland - Isle of Lewis/Skye - I just have to see where the Wickerman was filmed and also experience Scotland on some level as I've never been there.
Tibet - I've always wanted to be high up near the Himalayas and drink in the gorgeous oranges, reds and yellows of Buddhist monk clothing along with the possibilty of visiting a Monastery.
India - Always had an urge to go to India. I'd love to see the Ganges and take part in some of the Indian festivals.
Naxos - Purely for nostalgic and historical purposes.
Peru - For the music, the ancient civilisations and to ride on the trains.
Southern Ireland - to retrace the path of my ancestors.

More to be added, when I have more time. If you guys out there know of any links for good photos let me know!

That 'life excitement' feeling is returning.

Had a great day today. Feel loads better and ready to really start living life to the full, as much as I can. A great friend of mine treated me to a lovely back massage, for my birthday. Wow! How great it felt and reminded me that I really need to treat myself to this treatment at least once a month. So, I've booked a regular slot for a massage!

Had a wonder round my home town and had a lovely coffee in one of my favourite cafes. Tonight, a friend has invited me and a few others over to hers for a take away curry. Yummmmmm. I have my son also with me tonight, so he'll have fun with a few other kids tonight.

Looking forward to going out tomorrow and next Friday night and feel like having a bit of a spending spree for new clothes..we'll see! Off to see a few gigs and DJs tomorrow night and next Friday, gonna sort of 'live it up' at the awful Cookie Club, just for a bit of a laugh!

Also, I really want to get into regular walking in the Peak District;it's exhilerating, fun, peaceful, beautiful. I feel that this regular scenery and love, really helps my head and heart..and keeps me somewhat grounded.

So, here's to a weekend of fun and happiness.

Think of the weekend girl

As you know, my last blog was a little sad. I've taken your advice people and I'm gonna try and be strong and think about the points you've all discussed. So, this weekend, I'm gonna dress up fancy, gonna get out on the town and have a fun time.

Massage tomorrow by a good friend of mine.

Curry tomorrow night with some mates.

Swimming and bike riding Saturday day and possibly take in the Djanogly Art Gallery in the afternoon.

Drinking and hopefully dancing, Saturday night with a dear friend.

Thanks for all the positive comments.
xx

Please help me..I have heartache

I can't get a person I love out of my head or heart. How do I do this?

I've been 'in love' with this person for 18 months and the yearn is a constant in my heart. The worst thing is, he doesn't seem to want me on a 'lover' level. That makes it hard for me cos I've always wanted him on that level. I keep trying to move on from my feelings for him but I'm finding it harder and harder, at each day that passes; like a magnet continually being pulled and attracted to him. Like my heart is not letting go of the feelings for some reason. Like my soul never wants to forget him. I wish he felt the same. I know feelings can't be forced but when I'm with him, it feels like he has strong feelings. Maybe I've been wrong all along. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just a sad romantic who ought to get real. Maybe I'm just hopelessly in love.

I miss him soo much. I really do.

Thought for the week...........

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.

Great to get away!

As you know, I went off to Edale last weekend to celebrate my 39th with some close friends. Gotta say, it was great; great to be out there in the frsh air and open space of the peaks. God, how I'd soooo love to live there.

Here's the story of my weekend;

1. Set off Saturday with a friend and met some others along the way.
2. Hit the camping barn, unloaded and headed off on a beautiful, scenic walk, part way up an area known as Grindsbrook.
3. Sat down for an alcohol and chill out time on a grassy verge overlooking a stream for 30 mins. Drank red wine and got a little high. Giggled my head off at fuck knows what!!
4. Went to the pub and started to get rather inebriated.
5. Ate food.
6. Headed to the next pub and did the Edale 2 pub, pub crawl.
7. Went back to camping barn. Lit candles as there was NO electricity/lighting.
8. Opened bottle of champagne - well, a cheap alternative!
9. Had lots of laughter and fun.
10. Woke up in the middle of the night to go on a wander, on my own, in the darkness - nerarly shit myself, as two sheep were staring at me as I opened the barn door.
11. Woke up at 8 and woke my mates up by being the most energetyic soul, with a hangover.
12. Ate a big breakfast and went for a big walk up to Hollins Cross near Castleton and then on to Mam Tor -Totally exhilerating and splendid views to die for.
13. Left edale, after the walk and headed to The Castle Hotel for an evening dinner.
14. Returned home about 8pm.

I really needed this break. In fact, I feel that I need to do this sort of thing every other weekend, rather than hanging out in random clubs, getting evermore bored.
The feeling that you get when you're at one with nature, is second to none and reminds you what is really important in life; what life and people really mean to me.

I loved every minute of my stay. My friends were wonderful and fun.

The worst thing was coming back to the grind and the same old scene. I keep looking for jobs out there in Sheffield at colleges and the like, as I do feel that one day, I need to escape Nottingham and be closer to nature and the hills.

So.....I've now booked another 2 nights stay in a hotel in Castleton for a right good bargain of £59, in a double bedded room - all to myself, in October half term week. Can't fookin wait!

Celebrate the 39th year

39 years old now,as from yesterday. I woke up though feeling quite flat. I cried. I took my son to school. I worked. I came home. I went for a drink with a mate. I ate a chinese take away. I went to bed. I cried again.
Never in the life of birthdays have I felt so sad. I felt lonely and heavy hearted. I think I felt this way because my Mum wasn't around to wish me Happy Birthday. I also realise that I've been through alot of changes this year and maybe, I was on some level, reflecting; birthdays seem to do this in some respects.

Anyway, I was sort of glad the day was over and glad to get to bed. On a happier note, I reminded myself that I'm off for the weekend to one of my favourite parts of the world. The Peak District. I've hired a barn out with a load of mates and can't wait to get out into the open space and serenity. Although, in some respects, I want no plans. I've told my friends this as I just want to head out there and follow what my heart tells me to do, when I get there.One of my friends was staring to plan certain things and getting all 'detailed' about stuff. I really don't feel like detail at the moment and told her so. I hope she's not upset with me, but I'm jusrt being honest. I need space right now in many ways, hence my need to get out of the city.
So, although I've felt rather flat and deflated in some bizarre way, I know I'll enjoy being around those who hold me dear. I know we'll get drunk. I know we'll have a great time when we get there. I know we may have the potential to meet some interesting people.
I think I feel flat also, cos I miss my friend. I miss the fact that he doesn't care for me, how I care for him. I miss the fact that I had no birthday wishes from him. I miss the fact that I don't see him anymore. He was in many ways, my inspiration to another world. I know I'm being soft and sad but I do have to go through these emotions of grief and mourning for something that feels, like it's slipping further and further away from my reach.

People Move On

Well, recently some very good friends of mine are moving on to new pastures. One couple are off to Australia and another couple are off to Mauritius. It's sort of odd and sad to think about losing these friends as there's so much history with them. Friend 1 who's off to Australia, I met whilst i was doing an Access Course in 1994. We both headed off to Nottingham Uni together - she studied English literature and I studied Social and Cultural studies and Social Policy. I have fond memories of my friend's partners 30th birthday, one August, in their backgarden. Music, wine, drumming, great atmosphere, newly 'in love' with my then partner; the world seemed like a good place to be alive in. My friend was and still is in some respects a practising pagan. Through my own interest in spirituality and Earth worship, I gained alot of knowledge from her about Paganism and Solitary Paganism. She was also so kind to complete birth charts for my children and I. I love these birth charts as they do actually hold quite a fair bit of truth in them, I've noticed, as time's gone by.

Friend 2 - has been a constant in my life since 1992. I met her through her then boyfriend. They always seemed like the 'everlasting, happy couple'. I've shared so many great times with this couple; camping in Edale,visiting London, getting stoned and wasted together, listened to music, gone to gigs, meals, parties etc etc. They were extremely close to me whilst they were a couple. I supported my friend after the birth of her son and the break up of her relationship, which came as a shock to us all;no-one ever thought he'd end up in the arms of another woman. That made me realise that people on the outside can look so happy to the onlooker, but underneath all of that facade, there often lies secrecy, deceit, anger, unhappiness and resentment. I was truly gutted when my friend and her partner spilt up cos they'd been such 'soulmates' in many ways, to me and my then partner. As time's moved on, so has our relationship as friends. I don't see her that often but when I do, it's always special, fun, sweet, happy.

I therefore look forward to a week on Friday, as my friends and I are all meeting and going out for a 'farewell curry'. It'll be strange for me cos my ex partner will be missing from the 'once part of' equation but it'll be lovely to share and possibly cry about the special times, changes, upset etc, in our lives.

I also hope now, to visit Mauritius next year. I have an invite and just need to save my dosh to get out there, as accommodation is free!

So, I do hope the best for my friends, and I write this with a bit of a lump in my throat and a heart that feels a little weighted down, by sorrow's heaviness. Ironically, listening to Jen en connais pas by Jeff Buckley, is really giving me that feel of nostalgia too.

Miserable rant over!

Today I am released. Not from prison as such, but released in my mind. I'm now gonna get out there and start having some proper fun that I do so deserve.
Sick of being messed about and worrying about what others think about my defective personality. I know I shine like the sun, I'm as warm as the sun, I'm as bright as the sun, I give energy to others like the sun, I radiate a light around me, like the sun. I'm not deluded. I'm just a good person, with a hellofa lot of love to give.
So time to really let it all out and let the miserable rants be a thing of the past.

Off to an old colleagues 'mental leaving party' tonight. I say mental, because I know it will be. All the people that will be there, work in the homeless sector in hostels and they do tend to let it go big style; that sort high 'burn out' work entails it. Afterwards, off to see a gig I reckon and some dancing. So glad rags are

So, here's to a damned fine Friday night out and let's wait and see what Saturday brings.

Have fun out there!

Lost Love

God I feel absolutely shit.Terrible.Depressed.Pissed Off.Full of sorrow. Alone. Aching.Tired. Empty.

Don't ask why. I really don't want to splurt out the detail. I'm just so sad.

Check out this link to a good Nottingham band - especially the track 'Visceral Surgery' - Wonderful tune, that's keeping me maintaining right now.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=33890120

Sorry about a sad rant.

I wish I had a crystal ball

Well, tonight, quite by accident, I listened to a song that was played at my Mum's funeral - Time To Say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.Oh dear me, how it made me cry so much to hear this tune again. My Mum really loved this song and that's why it was chosen in her honour..and indeed the title is rather appropriate to someone's passing.
I can't believe that in a few months time, it'll be a year since my Mum's passing.I can't believe how much my life has also changed in that time too;losing my Mum, going through a break up without my Mum to support me - my Mum was someone I always confided in especially about relationship problems.
I do feel though her strength sort of lives in me though. After my Mum's death, I realised how important it was for me to find 'true' happiness, because life is so precious and can be cut short without any forewarning. I realised that I had to get out there and start to live or indeed, realise my dreams, however much this may distress me at the time. I knew I'd feel better by being true to myself about my emotions and my heart.
So, in some ways, I wish I had a crystal ball now to gain some sort of insight about where my life's going to go....

Man? Read with caution

Since my ex moved out, I'm really starting to enjoy being in the house at night time. I have space, I have freedom from the TV not being on all the time, I have no arguements to piss me off, I have no angry frown and resentment on my mind.My friends are coming over, I want to decorate, I feel more energy to want to do things, I feel calmer in so many ways and so look forward to what the future will bring.
HOWEVER..Before I get all happy and carefree, I was PISSED OFF soo much, with my ex on Satuday night.
He'd come to look after our son and I said he could stay at mine if he wanted to, as I was probably going to be late home. Anyway, he decided to watch some footie, got loads of beer in and basically, got absolutely hammered. AND I MEAN HAMMERED! Hammered in the sense that he became a fucking abusive cunt to me, when I got home.Not in the physical sense but in the mental sense; calling me names, slagging me off for various stuff he feel hard done by and basically, being a complete, self-pitying tosser! God, how I loved reminding of him of how much he'd let me down in life and how honest I've always been with him and yet I'm stuill subjected to shit from him. I REALLY DON'T NEED IT!!
I was so upset cos I'd sort of had a nice night out and was ready for my bed and peace and quiet.
So, I'm fucked if I'm gonna be treated like shit. I deserve a damned site better treatment.
Grrrwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww sorry about the 'man rant' ..I've calmed down now.

God I really want to cry my eyes out today

Well, they say bad luck comes in 3s..it certainly has done for me over these last few days.

1. I lost my mobile phone whilst I was out on Saturday night. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't give a shit about losing it but this one had some messages from my now deceased Mum and a few, from the person I hold dear. I'd purposely saved these messages as they meant something to me - being such a sucky twat and all.

2. Last night I was listening to one of my favourite CDs, fairly loud and then SILENCE! The amplifier had stopped working and no sound was to be heard through the speakers. So, I checked plug fuse, sockets, etc,etc. It seems that this amp is destined to be dead. I'm sad too about this, cos I bought it from a good friend in 1994 who was then going to live in Colombia to try and rekindle the relationship with her mother;who she hadn't seen since she was 7 years old.

3.I wake up this morning, ready and fresh for work. Since my split with my ex, he's been looking after our son during the holidays. He was supposed to be here at 9am to look after my 7 year old son. I rang him at 8.30 to ensure he was up. No answer. I rang at 8.45 again, No Answer. I rang again obsessively from 9 onwards as I have to leave the house at this point to get to work on time. It's now 9.57 and he's still not here. So, I had to ring work, explain the situation and wait.

So I'm feeling like I really need to cry my eyes out and feel fed up that A. I've lost some dear things to me and B. I'm fed up of waiting around for others who don't get their shit together and act selflessly and think about other people's situations.
Sorry about the rant, but I know I get, at least some cyber- sympathy from you guys.
All I want is someone to hug me and say don't worry and wipe my tears. My beautiful friend did that for me Saturday night whilst outside his flat. He really wanted to take me to the pub where I thought I'd lost my phone...he hugged me tightly and I felt he had a genuine sadness for me..how lovely is that. I need that now...

Booo hooo...off to have a bloody big sob!!