Oh Fuck! Do I know I'm back in Nottingham again.

Well had a wonderful break away from the shit hole that Nottingham sometimes feels like. Here's some piccys that I thought I'd share with you. I love the one of the village with all of the mist rising;it was taken at 6.45am from the YHA Castleton's attic room - where I was sleeping! Gorgeous.
I managed to do a really long walk up to Hollin's Cross, along the ridge to Mam Tor and then back down again and into Castleton Village. Not that long I guess, in walking standards cos it only took my son and I, 2 hours to walk it.I also love Youth Hostelling. I find it more sociable, fun and better for kids. Edale YHA was great too, got talking to a scandinavian guy which was nice to chat in Danish a wee bit. Although the hostel was such long way from the village in Edale, I didn't mind. In fact I loved the 30min walk into the village and so healthy too!
Anyway, I had a great time, I wish I could move over this way but I can't, yet!
I also had good time to clear my head of worries and the like, whilst I was away.
I thought about the person I love a lot. I sent him a text whilst sat on top of a big hill.
However, I realise that my love for him is so much stronger than his love for me. This has become clear to me after we've sent each other some personal messages. I never stop fancying him, sadly, he does me. How sad is it to know that the person you love doesn't always fancy you? The person you want to 'find you' is him but he doesn't want to 'find you'? God life feels like shit today! Dear oh, dear me. I want to bloody escape again back to the countryside! Fuckin bollocks I tell thee!BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry people, my posting will hoepfully end happier next time. I just don't think the person I love has any concept of how deep, my love for him runs inside of me.I guess I need to get a litlle more real, have some time-out and re-evaluate many things..

Hooray, off to the country!

In a few days time I'm off to Derbyshire - 2 different youth hostels to sleep in and muchos walking to do. I'm leaving my eldest son at home cos he decided not to come. Luckily, my ex has offered to stay here whilst I'm away cos I'm a tad worried about leaving him alone for 3 days and at least I know he has adult company and indeed, someone to look out for him and ensure he doesn't get up to too much mischief!
So, I can't wait to be out in the wide open. Me and my son, on our own, rambling around on hills and in streams and enjoying nature's many offerings!

The Idea of The Nuclear family

I wonder why the 'Nuclear Family' was termed as such? R.D Laing implied that the nuclear family had the capability to be like a tennis game, with the kids being privvy to the onslaught of their battling parents..Parents playing the tennis game with the kids being the tennis ball - batted around and the like. Maybe the term is because family life has the tendency to be a tad toxic at times, hence the reference to all things 'nuclear'.
The reason I'm talking about this on this fine Saturday is because I watched the film Frida last night and I've also read a wondeful article in the paper about a woman who loved all of her 'mothers'.
Firstly, Frida Kahlo lived a particlarly fascinating life but had such pain on an emotional and physical level. Indeed she fell in love unconditionally with Diego Rivera, a womanising giant, who in fact too, was very much in love with Frida but acted on his 'animal' impulses, as with time, so did she. Funnily enough, when the tables were turned and Frida gave herself to others, especially a man, Diego would be insanely jealous, furious and heartbroken and yet his behaviour was to him, acceptable. Over time, this couple managed to maintain a life and it's clear to see, did really love each other;lived in seperate quarters and came together for fun, discussion, love etc. Not the family/couple norm I guess, compared totoday's equivalent. In a way I admire Frida's strength and can totally relate to the depth of love she had for Diego..they were best friends and in so many ways complimented each other. I guess what I'm saying is, who are we as people to judge anyone's way of living?
Moving on from this, the article I read today was so inspiring. The woman involved, had been brought up, over time, by 3 different mothers. An adoptive mother, a step mother and then partly met her birth mother. She loved all of these women greatly and in different ways. Her attack on Thatcher's/new right ideology of 'family life' was eloquently addressed and indeed refuted. She also reminded me that so many families do have such intricate 'make ups' and that as long as a child is loved and cared for then so what? I totally agree..
I had a 'nuclear family' upbringing, however my Mum and Dad fostered many kids and I loved it! I loved to met new kids and share my bedroom with the girls that came to stay at our house. I guess I've always had the sensitive, empathetic qualities passed onto me by lovely Mum. My own kids aren't in a 'nuclear family' scenario. Two different fathers for both kids, an impatient Mum who loses her temper fairly often but does show them love and care. Even though both relationships have failed, I think my kids are pretty much OK. They have good relationships with both fathers and indeed, so do I. From my perspective, if kids can see that you have a general respect, care and compassion for your ex's then this makes for a smoother ride..and indeed a lack of negative, bad feelings on all sides. And, even though I'm very much magically 'in love' with the person I write my poetry about, and we haven't shared the same sort of experiences as my ex's, I'm OK about this because the love I feel for him, is such a forceful, deeper and more stronger feeling, than I've ever felt before. It allows me to remember who I am, it awakens me, it reminds me that the passion I have always had inside of me from being a girl to a woman, has at last been realised.
So, we all have our quirky ways of being, living, interracting, coping, loving and I'm glad we do, because I fear the world would be such a prescriptive,boring and even more judgemental place, if we didn't..

Spring... the beauty and forces of you

Spring is such a beautiful time, full of renewal and rebirth of everything around us. Nature is just so gorgeous at this time, with leaves beginning to bud on tress and blossom bearing its all. Wow! I went for a bike ride today with my son and we did a spot of photography between us.. The duck picture was taken by my son and the blossom et al by me!
I've had such a lovely, strange sort of week. Early on in the week, I had the 'force' that I feel about my loved one, feeling really strong and intense again..almost like something is magnetising me and reminding me about the deep love that I have in my heart for him. Hopefully, I'll be seeing him tomorrow which I can't wait for because I know I'll feel giddy, so excited and happy to see him! I always do and always have done..it's never changed.
I've also been busy with my son but also maintaining my friendships too. I cycled into the city last night and watched some acoustic music for an hour or so and then went to a bar for a few more drinks.I cycled back at 12am, which was great cos the roads were pretty quiet and empty. I do love the feeling that cycling in the dark gives you - it's something else, it really is;a freedom that is well appreciated in these hectic, prescribed times.
I've been listening to Nick Drake too quite a bit this week, love his stuff, his music does something strange to me, that's for sure.
Have a restful, chocolatey Easter, people xx

April Highs and Lows

The Highs and lows we find ourselves in, never fail to amaze me. Today has been a heavenly day on many levels and also a reflective, sad day. I received my council tax bill - late! £74 a month now and this has increased by a tenner each month! Mind you, it's cheaper than when I lived with my ex, cos I get single person's allowance, which I guess helps quite a bit really. Council tax aside, I went into the city to buy a new jacket for when I go away with my youngest son to Edale. I met up with a dear friend, who recently moved to Australia but who's now back in the UK because of her partner's stupid,selfish, egocentric behaviour. What is it with some men and their tendencies to be selfish little boys who quite frankly, never seem to grow up? What is it? Please men, enlighten me will you?

Anyway she's had to move back to the UK with no furniture, belongings and the like and is missing her ex terribly but can't go back to the situation and his lying. I felt like crying for her because I could really sense her feelings of loss and sadness. She's had a tough old time of it really throughout her adult life and I'm sort of worried about her but I feel she'll make a new start and do OK. She's managed to find a place in Glastonbury to live and will be around like-minded people that's for sure..She's a deeply spiritual person and I know she'll connect with others like her pretty well.
So although she shed tears and looked so sad, we agreed there's a light at the end of this chaos and that hopefully her path will be a smoother one for the future.

It was lovely to see her in the short time that we were together and I think we'll actually build more on our own friendship, which is always a good thing.

On walking through the city, early evening, I was pleasantly taken in by the beauty of the sunshine against the lovely old buildings and the stillness that one finds at this time of the day.I love the new fountain and the new square, it's so open, refreshing and welcoming in many respects.
As I sat on the bus, on my way home, I noticed the most beautiful cherry blossom trees in full bloom..sparkling their colours. Gosh, blossom is just so gorgeous..it makes me want to run underneath it and look up at it forever more! If I ever get married in this lifetime, then I want a spring wedding, under cherry blossom, in the early evening..Wow!

Missing?

I miss you,
I do
I love you,
I know
I think about you
Always.
You don't want a...
Girlfriend
You say.
Maybe I'm just not -
girlfriend Material?
Not young
enough?
Too fucked
Up?
Too Fat?
Too manic?
Too mad?
Not polite
enough?
Not nice
enough?
Not quiet
enough?
Not pretty?
Not sexy?
Too fragile
Too soft
Too deep
Too scary
Too......
Or maybe..
You're too scared
To simply be.
To enjoy.
To love.
To feel free.
To feel worthy
To feel loved
To keep the blanket
of fear -
Wrapped around you
Tightly..
Nightly
Out of sightly.
Quietly
Do the rightly
Thing.
Isolating.

Pictoral dreams

I'm a big lover of dreaming and dreams;last night was a night full of extremely visual colours dreams. Dream 1, I was with my youngest son, in an old derelict, Victorian warehouse type building. We had to get to the top floor and so, decided to take a lift upwards. The lift was dark and had no lighting, so in the dream, felt rather scary and eeeire. Once at the top of the building, we wandered along some long corridors, laden with dust from years gone by...
Dream 2, I was walking down a lane with grass and forest on either side, the grass was covered with beautiful, golden orange leaves. As I walked along the verges, I kept kicking the leaves up into the air and watching them fall slowly again to the ground.The colours of the leaves in the dream were so bright and beautiful..
I don't know what the dreams represent, although I always search for symbolism I guess, in my dreams but dream 1, felt dark and rather scary although there was hope within this dream, whilst dream 2 was full of light, brightness a feeling of being 'alive' and happy...wow!

Thought for the day

Tiredness and drowsiness become me after the hectic weekend. Luckily, I'm now on holiday for a few weeks, so time to relax and take things easy for a bit..

Immortal rose

The love I have
For you
Never dies.
An everlasting rose
Immortal.
Forever
never fading-
Full blooming..
Bright
Alive.
kicking.
Strong.
Present.
There -
Always.
In my mind -
Imprinted
inside my forehead,
My soul
Heart
Bones
Spirit
Breath
Energy
Depth
My Being
At one
With you
Always.

Update

Ahh what a wonderful weekend I'm having and to top it all, the weather is just so astoundingly beautiful. I've just gone and booked an extra day away,. so that gives me the grand old total of 3 days up in the Peaks. 2 days in Edale, 1 day in Castleton - all for the cost of £72! Bloody bargain!
Had a fantastic night out last night dancing and the like and bumped into a guy I was introduced to at a festival last summer, who's a dab hand at playing the sitar. We chatted for quite a bit about how his music was progressing and I was pleased to hear that he's doing a lot of performances at Asian weddings and the like..Bless him. Anyway, if I have a birthday party he's offered to play some music for me, which would be just wonderful cos I'm a sucker for eastern music and I know it'd make my birthday party really special.So time will tell on that one cos I need to get my shit into gear re.organising it!
Hopefully off out later today to chill a bit in the city..may indeed cycle in and enjoy this gorgeous weather a la cycle!
Happy April 1st people..

Thoughts for Saturday

I wish my loved one would throw caution to the wind with me.
Two years today was a beautiful day....I remember it so clearly....
That magical feeling appears, whenever I'm with him...

Reminder about the human condition

I recently received season 5 of Six Feet Under. Having already watched 4 episodes, it's amazing how grounding and indeed human, this series is. I bow to the producers, directors, actors and all of those associated with this fantastic piece of televsion;if only more TV programmes adopted this approach incorporating compassion, empathy, anger, sadness, humour, philosophical thinking, enlightenment, human dysfunctional behaviour, challenging our own assumptions and judgements about life and people.
I've been so pleasantly, as always, en-tranced by season 5. There's a strong mental health theme running through the first 4 episodes with Billy, who is bi polar, wanting to 'feel alive' again, hence his decision to stop taking strong medication. However, this has the detrimental effect on him, in that he ends up hugely paranoid, suspicious, jealous, aggressive and impulsive. Not that we're all not impulsive on some level, I certainly can be at times. Anyway, poor Billy...I feel for his character because we all like to 'feel alive' and a feel a sense of 'heightened energy amd awareness'. I guess for him, it just goes beyond what is safe and sufficient to maintain on a daily level.
George, Ruth's husband, has also been unwell and received electric shock treatment which has exposed his early childhood memory of his mother commiting suicide in front of him when he was a young boy. George is having constant visual and auditory hallucinations about this time in his life with his mother being in these, most of the time. How sad and indeed tragic for these demons to be reappear for him. I guess though in a way, we are never able to escape our demons as such but I guess the way we have to cope with them is to try and face up to them and do something positive to cope with this, rather than burying them..however, dfepending on what trauma an individual has been through, it's easier said than done.
Nate and Brenda are finally together as destiny and fate, would have it and indeed, as it's meant to be for these soulmates.
Keith and David are happier and more comfortable with each other than ever before, with Keith containing and understanding his anger compulsions.
Wow, what intricate stories and lives these people lead, so much so, it makes you realise that we're all humans capable of so many emotions and dysfunctions yet able to be so full of love and warmth at the same time. And indeed when we realise this, and indeed stop buying into what we're made to think we should live and act like, then I feel the world woyuld be a less pressured place to be in.
Six Feet Under, I salute your genius!

A while ago

A while back, I wrote some poems and published them on a forum. However one day, in a fit of rage, I went on a poetry culling mission and deleted many of the really beautiful poems that had secretly been dedicated to the person I'm in love with. I don't know whether he's ever read them but he does frequent the same forum and regularly leaves posts. I actually wanted to print them all out for him and give them to him in a book or such like because he's stirred some of the most deep, beautiful feelings, ever known to me. I sometimes get the feeling he doesn't feel worthy of my love and that he feels worthless; pushing me away. To me, he's never worthless, he's more beautiful than anything on this earth and always has been, his soul is such a deep passionate one deep down and I know he's a beautiful person.. I see this in him when I look at him and indeed watch him and listen to him... He has a sensitivity that melts my heart at times...Anyway, I'm excited because I'm going to visit him tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him!
I came across these poems once again whilst I was deleting some old files on my PC. I was so happy to have found them and the feelings they stir in me are just as strong, if not stronger than when they were originally written...here goes, a dedication of love to the person who I ethearally love so very much.

The Colour of You

Bad thoughts disintegrate,
Like dust settling elsewhere.
Alone, I remember the good
Thinking, if only 'we could'
Black and white are you
No in between shade or hue

You radiate a light so bright,
A heartfelt, melting smile.
Red, you burn through my heart
Blue, when we're apart..

Gold when I see your face
Gold when I'm in your space
Gold when I hear your voice
Gold, you're my colour of choice.


These two have some beautiful memories for me of last summer...

Pale blue,
I laid my head.
Pale blue to red, from your desire.
A gift for you, golden hair
Delicate, precious, in your care.
My aroma for you, love divine
An offering to you, so true of mine.
Scent of you, remains on me
Comforts my heart, sets me free.
Muscular thighs, comfort me.
Moulding my body,
Embracing me.

Fruit of Summer

Cool Summer's Eve
Windy, blown around leaves.
Curtains softly undrawn
To your beautiful soul sworn.
Nights of heavenly bliss
Ignited by a kiss.
Deep within your heart
Fire blows me apart.
Eyes endlessly transfixed
Entwined, hungrily mixed.
Beautiful hues of skin
Enticing me to step within.
Devour the fruit of your love
Tranquill, white as a dove.

July Eve

July, you and wine
Wonderful, deep and fine.
sharing with you
Happiness true.
Ecstatic Eve
Never want to leave.
Depth of your soul
Makes me feel whole.

July, you and music
Stirring emotion.
Heavenly, beautiful desire
Relighting my smouldering fire.
A journey of wondrous pleasure
Delicate, awe inspiring treasure.
Makes me feel alive

Cherish

In your heart, you just know,
The one for you so.
Whatever the failings
Love will cure the ailing.
Patience and understanding, so true
Feel love, that's what you do
Unconditional love's, hard to find
When it does, cherish it.
For there'll always be wonder in what you find.
Like the moon on a summer's night
Shining radiant white light
Like the Sunset across a calm sea
Pink, salmon skies stretching out to eternity
Like green, wondering hills, away from here
Igniting hearts and minds without fear.

The seasons of you

Spring was touched by the very first kiss
Blew me away, I was in heavenly bliss.
Summer was touched by the spark from you
You held my hand. I felt it through you.
The core of my palm, an instant ingnite
Right in the centre, electric dynamite.
Autumn was touched by passion so true
The warmth of your hug made me feel brand new
Winter was set alight, by desire from you
My body was cold but kindly warmed by you.


Gosh, isn't it amazing that another human being can stir such heartfelt emotion in us?

Bolt

It enters me
from nowhere
Bolt to the gut..
watching you talk?
Lips move,
Eyes intent
Breath calm
A kick
without a foot
Jolt
without lightening
Deep
Down
Inside
The pit
of my stomach.
I feel the force
Of what your energy
Your soul
does to me
Beautifully
Constantly

Something in the air.....

Is it just me or was anyone else in an emotional frame of mind last night? Around 10pm, a wave of emotion just hit me from nowhere and stayed with me until around 2am this morning. I wept, wept, wept, wept and wept again and again.I thought about my Mum, who I miss and who was always the person I spoke to about intimate, emotional things...she always had time for me and she always listened intently. I tried to speak to a freind on Saturday about something that was bothering me but she quickly rebuffed me, which in a way, upset me. I thought about the person I dearly love and the yearning I have in my heart for him.
I don't care about crying though, I see it as cathartic and indeed a reminder that I 'feel' and I'm able to 'feel. I like the fact the emotions allow us to do this because it does serve a purpose - it frees us of the blocked-upness we can sometimes feel when we feel sad, longing, loneliness etc etc.
I woke up this morning to puffy eyes and looking like shit. Luckily, women have the advantage of make-up to hide their piggy eyes when they've been crying, which for me, was a godsend today, I can tell you! I cycled into work and just to be out in the beautiful spring air was a reminder of how wonderful life can also be..
Anyway, now I feel lighter in my heart and my emotion.. the heaviness has lifted and the emotion all washed away for now. It did me good and I feel better for it..Hmm I just wonder if any of you out there felt an emotional rush last night?
Here's to a happy Tuesday and the week ahead, to which I look forward to..AND, I've even spoiled myself and bought season 5 episode of Six Feet Under - I can't wait to get my claws into that lot! Have fun people x

The road to....

Sometimes I think I'm not trusted...I can understand why this may be the case but if people actually took the time out to hear my side of things and understand things from my perspective, then I think they'd understand where I'm coming from...I never want people not to trust me. In a previous relationship, I banged on about change, change change and nothing changed. I lost hope, I lost love, I lost faith, I lost trust. I was honest, I was kind, I was loving, I was open...This did me no favours at the end of the day cos it all seems really, that 11years can never change a person.
Sometimes I guess in life too, we all do things to try and make a person we love jealous because we only want them and them only..this is wrong. I've been wrong in the recentish past to 'buy' into this game. I don't like it and it doesn't fit right to me..I guess when our love is so deep and we've been hurt too, by another in different ways, we put a protective shell around us - which can come in the form of white lies...wrong, very wrong. I confess to doing this on an occasion because I was so unhappy that the person I loved, loved another more than me, at least so it felt and so it seemed...I guess at the time the only thing for me was to try and pretend my life was OK when actually, it was shit and I was yearning and hurting deep down inside...
So... all past issues have to be laid to rest. I am a trustworthy person despite what others think. When I'm 'in love and with a person' I'm one of the most giving and loyal people ever...Men don't appeal to me in the sense of 'on the lookout', my heart is always with my loved one...
Circumstances in the past have made me sad and led me to crave love and desire because when you feel undesirable and unloved - or more - loved on a practical level, then the heart closes down and loses love..Luckily for me, my heart was opened up to love again and has been for 2 years now..I wish this love could go somewhere...I really do...

Burlesque

I went to a fantastic exhibition/demonstration last night with the the theme being around Burlesque inspired artists. Absolutely loved some of the work - truly gorgeous and uplifting. There was also a 'saucy' demo afterwards which made the night even better - gone are the days of this truly fantastic art form but I'm so glad to see its appearance again in modern day culture. The idea of women engaging in the act of 'classy tease' has always excited me, much more than the everyday images of women that are seen in many mags etc..I guess for me, women seem much more empowered and powerful in the Burlesque art form and indeed are cheeky, funny, erotic and don't bear all - leaving the onlooker to a sense of imagination. I can just imagine all of those years ago how much fun the populace would've had in old style music halls and the like, watching Burlesque acts - truly fantastic...It was weird getting semi dressed in Burlesquish attire and indeed wearing lipstick! I never wear lipstaick anymore- the last time I wore it was in my late teens - Blimey! Much fun was had though and it was good to see other folks who had made an effort to dress up..Fabulous!

Escape?

I wish that there was an understanding about love....That the person you love so truly, understands that you have no desire to escape them..that your love is so deep that escaping them is impossible because however you much you may escape them on a physical level, you never escape them on an emotional and spiritual level. It's pointless getting drunk or stoned to numb your feelings of love because they only return to you...that's what feelings are about - you can't hide, push, deny, ignore - it's the worst thing ever, it really is to do such a thing..

I feel this depth all of the time. I do things and I wish my beloved was with me to share this experience. I was at a fantastic party last night but having my beloved there with me, would have made my night complete..he is the missing piece to my jigsaw, he is the spirit that burns within me...He is always with me..I love him so deeply and truly, it's quite surreal but pleasantly wonderful to know that I have a love so deep and passionate...My oh my...

All hail the weekend

What a bloody great party - just what I needed! Had a bloody fabulous time, great to see my friends and meet some new people and now I'm hotting up for another round of partying tonight....

Ohh what a wonderful start of the weekend! Burlesque here I come....Mmmmmm

Secondary????

Thoughts for today =

A secondary being, secondary to everyone else and to everything.

Snapshots

Happy spring equinox people..Today i've been in a sort of reflective frame of mind and yet enjoying the beauty in the days and nature, at the moment - spring is such a beautiful time..I have so many sweet and indeed beautiful memories of spring, so much so that this poem just sort of fell out of my brain, heart, soul, mind or wherever poems care to come from..Maybe from the spring Goddesses or indeed Gods! I'm a very visual person and I think this poem sort of hints at that..


Snapshots of time
Appearing in my mind
Doors opening
smiling faces
hopeful...
Faces alight -
Beautiful, bright
Innocence -
Excitement.
Memories of my source
Rest in my mind
Rewind and remember
Life?
Takes it course.
Dreams awake my soul
Guiding me
Finding me
Souls....
whilst I sleep.
Memories I keep.
Spring in my heart
Golden memories-
Never depart,
Love
Laughter
Awe.
A gift -
From the gods..
Lessening the burden
Lightening the load.
Awaking my spirit
Nurturing my soul.
Snapshots always
Imprinted.
My source
My love
My beloved.

Moments

Instant
A spark
Out of nowhere
Dark
Lit up by light.
Knees pressing
Against skin
Feeling,
sending me reeling..
Breathing
In harmony
Togetherness.
A moment
in time
Like forever
Standing still.
Longing
Truly
Inside is a beauty.
Of love,
passion,
Desire,
Fire,
Enveloped
Consumed by love,
I clench
The spirit in you.
True.

Matter?

I don't matter
I don't exist
I don't need
I don't feel
I don't think
I don't cry
I don't know
I'm not important
I'm nothing
I'm seethrough
I don't count
I give
I love
I listen
I worry
I care
I help


And....I'm OK?

Bored

Well I ended up going out with some friends to a gig last night. Although the music was OK, I actually found the whole thing rather futile to be honest. I think I'm actually getting bored of going out at the moment. I think I've totally overdone it and indeed need a break from it. I wanted to ring the person I love around 2am but I didn't want to disturb his night, plus I didn't know who he was out with and therefore didn't want to impose myself on him and his night.
It's weird really because last night I smiled and was jolly to people and the like, but I often felt a true sense of emptiness and futility about the whole thing. I guess the solution for me is to have some time out from going out on a weekly level, apart from the odd Birthday engagements that I have coming up soon.
I'm actually really looking forward to getting away to Derbyshire again soon and I'm really looking forward to spending some time again with the person I love - the sooner the better - I miss him; I miss his presence, his smile, beauty, soul and sweetness.

Joys of being productive

Today I've been such a productive little soul. I awoke early to go for an early morning swim, which was just heavenly. I then cycled into my main shopping centre to buy some bits for the weekend. I stopped for a coffee at my fave cafe and read the newspaper - mainly the Review part.
I was interested in an article by Susan Sontag and also some love letters that a man had wrote to his beloved, many years ago. I enjoyed reading the love letters greatly - they warmed my heart and reiterated my belief in the ability to fall in love with someone almost immediately. This man had met a married woman and fell almost instantly in love with her. They both had complicated situations but both made time for each other and loved each other passionately and deeply, despite their respective situations.
I came home to make my son an enormous brunch, beings as though I'm going to go out tonight, I wanted him to eat something wholesome as I won't be cooking food later!
Tonight I'm hoping to go to a gig or such like. I know my beloved is out too, so I sort of hope that after our respective nights out, the stars may lead us to each other in the early hours...it's a warming and hopeful thought...Mmm

Birthday fun and beauty

Had a lovely night last night. It was the object of my desire's birthday today but we celebrated it last night and indeed, this morning! It was lovely to be with him on his special day and indeed to remember that we've been aquainted now for over two, of his birthday years! I remember meeting him when he was 24 years old, indeed younger in heart and mind and now he's a grand old age of 27 years old - older in heart and mind but essentially still the beautiful person, who I met back then.
We both drank a wee bit too much wine but hey, it was still nice and refreshing. Had some interesting conversations and there was an extremely precious moment, whilst we sat on the floor together and rearranged CDs..this moment just felt really intimate, special and dreamlike.In fact the whole evening was a pleasure!It was lovely to be in his presence and know that he was born on this day, at the time I was with him, 27 years ago! Wow!

Anyway, I got talking about childhood and love and that I was never really hugged that much as a child and sometimes, I fear that this may make me a little cold and hard to reach at times...almost giving out an air of aloofness. I hope I'm not viewed in this way..I don't think I am but I just got thinking about it quite a bit today and last night...

So here's to a wonderful day for my beloved and many more happy, warm, special times.

Tidal

The game of push
The force of pull.
Withdraw
Magnetise back.
Open up
Lock away
Emotion.
All giving, my whole
Everything
My body
My soul - whole
Hole.
My soft flesh
My ruby blood
My water hair
My earth smell
My 'free' spirit.
Relationship?
Us?
We haven't even discovered
Further depths -
Tidal water
as could be.
Relationship?
Of a sense, a sort
Caught.
Wrapping yourself in fear
Steer.
Push away
All I give is love
Here.
From my heart
From my soul
From my flesh
A force of push and pull.

Spring nearly here

What beautiful days we're having at the moment - I love the thought and indeed, spring so much. It brings a sense of positivity and renewal. The annual ritual of spring cleaning is so beneficial to both the soul and the physical things around us. I always tend to want to de -clutter my house, get my garden sorted and indeed, clear my head of any negativity that I may hold. It's also a good time for renewing and mending troubled relationships, friendships etc.
I guess this spring for me, will be the cleansing of any negative, insecure thoughts I hold towards anyone of importance to me. I guess too, I'm also being forced to have to let go on some level. I've never wanted this but I have to do what others ask of me and indeed what is best for them, be selfless and let others make their own way in life without my interference. I can't force anything,I can't force anyone to do anything they feel uncomfortable and not at ease with - this isn't my style, never has been, never will be - I'm a big believer in not pressuring people, in letting them find their way, come to their own decisions and choices, even if fate is playing a part too.
I hate people feeling under pressure and doing things they don't feel comfortable with..this saddens me and indeed makes me feel really uncomfortable if I've ever made anyone feel this way..this is not and has never been, my intention or my desire. I do the things I want to do, because I 'feel' something- not out of a duty to please, or as a way of keeping people happy. I do things because I want to and because I care.

So here's to a new spring, which I look to with positivity, anticipation and many more beautiful days ahead.

Marquis De Sade

Marquis De Sade - you dutty, dutty man! A man of from my own heart! Blimey! I'm saying no more...Venus in Furs is fun but Marquis is even funner! Phew..........

Time to calm down the emotion

Well, I guess I need to calm the emotion down. I guess I have to try and focus on something else. I guess I'm too much of a dreamer really and maybe that's something I'll always be.
Alone in my dreamy thoughts.
Alone in my mission.
Alone in my deluded thoughts.
Alone.

But I know that I'm not deluded because you told me I wasn't. I believe you. I feel the belief from you. I sense the love from you. Even if it never goes any place, the love is always there - like a great old story from times gone by.

Love = the fluttering feelings I get when I'm in your company.
Love = unconditionally loving you despite everything.
Love = The feeling I get when I kiss your lips and feel your body.
Love = feeling better when I hear your voice.
Love = laughing and being silly with you.
Love = Not letting you, although I've tried, depart from my soul.
Love = Electrically sparked by you
Love = Sharing my thoughts with you
Love = Your smile brightening the day when I see you
Love = Feeling at home, feeling blissful, feeling happy.
Love = A simple feeling that has the potential to be all consuming

You'll never know how much love I have for you and the depth that has never gone away. Never.

Cinema Paradiso has a scene where the young man falls in love with Elena. She denies his love but he vows to wait for 100 days for her to give him a sign, that she loves him. She doesn't.
She comes back to look for him but she's put off her track when Alfredo, an older man, tells her and Toto a lie.This is because he wants Toto to pursue his career.

They go on to live their respective lives. He has meaningless sex, meaningless relationships. She marries. They meet when they're older and still have intense, deep feelings. He wants to be with her, she does too but she declines because of her own situation. They make love. The love each other.

The power of love's universality is magnetising and beautiful. It cannot be changed, it remains with us, whatever the season, changes and circumstance.

Phew, What a Dream..

Oh dear, I had a rather unnerving dream this morning, it felt so real and took me a while, when I awoken, to realise that it was just a dream. Whilst I lay there awake just afterwards, an aeroplane flew close to my roof, the noise was so loud, that it sort of scared me a bit - being so close to my house and all!
Anyway the dream..well, I was lying in my bed with the person I love - He'd come to see me and we were having a lovely time, however within this time, I'd failed to notice that he had some really deep, bloody, scratches in his head, all down one side - the right side in fact; they were yellow and bloody in colour and stretched from his ear right near to the top of his head! Oh dear, I was so worried about what had happened to him, it was really tensing and upsetting me in the dream! Blimey the power of dreams are something else at times. At least I know it's only a dream.

To miss

Ooo today, although it's been nice, I miss the person I love...I think about him so much when we're apart. This feeling has been with me for 2 years now. It isn't bad to feel this, or anything to panic about but just shows me that my feelings never die for him. It's strange how you just meet someone out of the blue, as I did him and you feel a complete sense of connection with them, from day one, like you were destined to cross each others' path. That sort of amazes me and has never happened to me in my life; he just came along the night I met him and I couldn't help but sense that he had a lovely aura and beauty about him..
I instantly felt at home and comfortable with him, that I had to see him again, something inside urged me to contact him again..I guess we have similar depths of emotion and imagination. The next time I met him, I was so nervous but when I saw him, I immediately wanted to hug him and was taken aback by his beautiful features, as I still am today and I guess I always be. I prefer to call him beautiful because he is..he's handsome too but I actually prefer the word beautiful.
When He contacted me after a time of us not seeing each other last year, I knew he would. In my heart, I just had a feeling that told me he'd be in touch again, when the time was better for him..my feeling was proven right.

I know he needs space and the like and I'll be seeing him soon I know, but I just miss his loveliness and presence.

Anyway, less of the reflective feelings! My Mum would say - "Look forward Sara to when you see him next".

Saturday's Thoughts

Today I've booked a couple of days in a youth hostel in Edale, for me and my youngest son, in the next holidays. The man at the hostel was extremely sweet and kind and even offered to pick us up from the station, on arrival! Just what you call pretty damned fine service and all for £42 for 2 nights, with an ensuite bathroom!

Tonight I have an invite to meet a mate and shall possibly be doing so. Should be good to go out later, rather than earlier and see where the night leads. Hopefully some sort of dancing of some kind. We'll see.

In a while, I'm off to look for a few things in my local shopping town. I like to wait until later, when the rush has calmed down and hence miss all of the manic shoppers, who collide into me and who are ever present on Saturdays, God do I hate this.
I'm going to cycle too through my local park which I love doing, cos it's good to see some 'greenery' in my opinion and always refreshes my soul in some ways. I'll be looking too for the first signs of spring appearing. I love spring

Bad Company?

I never think that the person I love, is bad company. The thing is too, you have to get to know a person's different moods and ways, otherwise you don't get to see them wholly - see the bigger picture.
Maybe people always want times to be fun and happy, hedonistic and the like..however, it's also nice to share chilled times. I don't care about being in tired company and such things, I'd rather sit and watch TV with the person I love, than sit home alone!
Anyway, I guess we're all different and have different needs and the like. I guess I'm just a social being in many ways. Don't get me wrong, I do like my space but I also like sharing time with those I apprecaite and especially the person I love! The Delagadoes sing about being bad company and question worthiness in a song, indeed in the song, implying that the person is not worth the time..how sad that makes me feel.
The person I love is always worth the time to me..

Lump in the throat

Today I've been searching Myspace for some videos to add to my site - films that I like and music videos. Anyway, I came across one of my all time favourite films - Cinema Paradiso.
Every time I watch this film, it makes me cry. Even watching the short video clip sent the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don';t know what it is about this film but it always does this to me and has done for years..in fact probably about 10 years or more! The lump just forms in my throat and the tears drop out.
I guess it is a romantic and nostalgic film really, but for me I love the fact that it's so 'human' and taps into the basic human condition;deep and passionate love, parental and friendship love, warmth, happiness, sadness, laughter, foolery, regret, imagination, dreams, sorrow, friendship, unity, mischief, etc etc - all of the things that we, as humans, feel and experience. I love the way it makes me reflect and indeed manages to silence, this firework brain of mine..

Burlesque? Mmmmmmmmm

A friend has invited me to a Burlesque exhibition and party afterwards at the end of March. I can't wait! I love Burlesque, I'd have loved to have lived in this era, getting all dressed up in burlesque gear and the like..Wow! Maybe I should dress up for the party after the exhibition..Burlesquish stylee? Hmm time to get launching through my cupboards for my old dresses, stockings, gloves and the like.
The women look wonderful from this period and the idea of 'tease' seems so much more innocent and erotic, than 'in ya face' sexual stuff that we're faced with today..
OK, this is from a woman's point of view anyway!

Weekend?

Well guys, I have nothing planned for this weekend...what should I do? I know what I'd like to do but that wish isn't going to happen this week, which is sad really, cos I have the whole weekend free and could potentially do some lovely things :(



Hmmm.....

So guys, maybe I should go and see my mate's gig..maybe I should have a quiet one in and remember that I have a house that needs tidying. Maybe I should go on a big bike ride. Maybe I should bugger off to the Peaks for the night and do some walking. Maybe I should just 'be' and let fate guide the weekend. Yes, I think this is the best one, really.

Gosh...

Hmm.. this one just 'came out of my head tonight after a friend's Birthday curry night out'. Bjork is so clever in putting feelings into words, when you're hopelessly 'in love' it brings a sort of violent and manic energy, that feels wild and crazy but wonderful, all the same.....hence my little, gorgeous poem...

Hopelessly fallen
This angel
Of desire
Burning...
Inner fire
Of love.
Black against skin,
of purity.
Red hidden
But shining through,
amongst black.
Only you
Will know
The meaning
Of the contrast
and where it led.
Fruit of love
Feels like heaven,
Amongst the hell
Of what Blackness - often means..
But blackness, when with you
Is light, red and beautiful.

Hmm thinking on

Hmm I get the feeling that I might've upset my loved one. Maybe I upset him cos I didn't go over in the early hours Sunday morning. I hope I didn't upset him but last time he did that to me, he regretted his actions and felt ashamed that he'd rang me, the next day.
Also, I had no money to get a taxi! He knows deep down that I'd have love to have seen him, cos I always do love seeing him. If he don't know that then he really needs to believe it! Maybe he feels embarrassed about ringing me and suchlike, so early on and waking me up! I don't care about things like that at the weekends but I know that when I'm half asleep with no money to get from A-B, then this a potentially impossible mission! Now if I could teleport myself to his, then that would've been a different matter altogether!

Anyway, Fuck embarrassment we're all guilty of that shit! I mean the weekend before that, I was the butt of embarrassment. I feel complimented, in fact, that he felt the urge to see me, so late on in the a.m. and that I was in his thoughts cos he's always in mine!

Intuition

I've always been interested in intuition, I actually think that I have a bit of a gift for being both perceptive and intuitive. I know some people think this is a load of crap etc, but I don't. Indeed, the many parts of the brain that were used by our ancestors, aren't used in the same way anymore, or indeed at all.
My evidence for intuitive thinking started years ago, especially when I started having relationships. I guess I became more emotionally heightened and switched on, so to speak.
Anyway, when I was 18 years old and had been living with a guy for a few years, the relationship broke up because as he put it 'he didn't know what he wanted and wanted to pursue other things'. At this moment in time, I worked in a clothes shop on a jewellery counter. I was distraught that we'd split up because I felt he was in many respects, someone that I guess back then, I hoped to be with forever. I went into a deep depression but managed to still work and find joy in my friendships.
Anyway, one day a woman came into the shop and looked at me and at that instant, I knew this woman was seeing my ex. This intuitive feeling was confirmed by my then lovely friend Richard, who was a friend good to both me and my ex.
The second time I felt this on a strong level, was when I'd been dating a guy for a few months back in 1994, after returning from Denmark, it was nothing serious as such but we were 'in a relationship' of a kind and spending quite a bit of time together. Anyway at this time we were both at college studying to go to university, me Sociology and History and Him, Literature and Computing. Anyway a large group of us hung out together and for some reason one day, I got a weird feeling that this guy was seeing my friend. A few weeks later we split up and I later found out that they had been seeing each other for a while. I got rid of the friendship with her immediately because she'd betrayed not only my friendship but also my trust.
The third time I experienced this was when I was teaching in a probation hostel, although the truthfullness of this, will never be confirmed.
I was sat talking to a potential new student, he was showing me certificates of previous achievement and the like. Out from nowhere, I got a really strange, weird feeling that this person was a notorius killer, who'd been locked away for years. This experience really freaked me out, to be honest, so much so, that I researched this person for early facial likeness. I will never know whether this was the person whom I thought he was because his identity has been changed and his identity is sworn to secrecy, due to the risk to his life by the general public because of the crime he committed ..This in fact haunted me for some time and made me wonder why I'd had such a strong feeling/hunch about it. Since then and over the years, I've had weird stuff about my ex and this has all come true.

The most recent feeling was whilst lying in bed with the person I love, a while back and dreaming about a situation or moreso, the feelings my beloved had for his ex.

I felt upset by the dream because
a. I was in the company of my beloved and didn't really want to mention it because it may've upset him and
b. I was worried that the dream may've been a warning, or indeed the truth and
c. It may've been all about my own insecurities, as we are guilty of having these!

I did briefly talk to him about this and decided to let it go, rather than getting all consumed in it.

Therefore I sometimes wonder whether we subconsciously pick up information on a deep level without really realising it, or if we're more open to believeing this information then maybe it's a sort of 'deep level of intuition and insight'.

I discussed intuition with my Yoga teacher and we both agreed that we feel Yoga and meditation, also opens the soul on a spiritual, or indeed cosmic level. I love yoga for this reason because I love spirituality and actually feel it's good to see the bigger picture, on such a level.
I really must get reading some more literature about intuition although I'd rather not force anything regarding this but just let it be and if the feeling is there then it's trying to tell me something, in my 'intuitivly charged opinion.'Blimey, what a long rant about the power of intuition eh?

Meditation....ohmmmmmmmmmm

Tonight been to an excellent Yoga session - God how I love Yoga and indeed the teacher who teaches it; such a spiritual person is she and totally on my wavelength regarding nature and spirituality.
Tonight involved some deep meditative chanting...in a large echoey room, which made the voices of everyone in the class, vibrate off the walls! How wonderful to hear chanting voices!
Anyway the mantra consisted of -

Om bhur bhuvah shava
tat savitur varenyam
bhargo devasya dhimahi
dhiyo yo naha pratyodyat

which translates as-

Earth, atmosphere heavens
we meditate on the sacred light
of the effulgent source
let that inspire our thoughts.

So there you go, if you feel the need for a grounding mantra - try it!

Gotta listen to........

Recently I've been listening again to a CD by Hybrid - music that doesn't really fit into one genre but is a mix between breakbeat, Indie and Electronica. Gotta say that the CD - I Choose Noise, is just out of this world - feels sort of like an epic journey when you listen to it and so masterfully produced, in my opinion.
In addition, the fantastic voice of Perry Farrell,(Jane's Addiction/Porno For Pyros fame) is used in this album..It's fab;I can't get enough of it right now, it's all so gorgeous - goes from being upbeat and manic, to soft, sort of melancholic and dreamy.
Ahhh what a beautiful start to the week, beautiful music and a contented, soul...

Intuition

I've always been interested in intuition, I actually think that I have a bit of a gift for being both perceptive and intuitive. I know some people think this is a load of crap etc, but I don't. Indeed, the many parts of the brain that were used by our ancestors, aren't used in the same way anymore, or indeed at all.
My evidence for intuitive thinking started years ago, especially when I started having relationships. I guess I became more emotionally heightened and switched on, so to speak.
Anyway, when I was 18 years old and had been living with a guy for a few years, the relationship broke up because as he put it 'he didn't know what he wanted and wanted to pursue other things'. At this moment in time, I worked in a clothes shop on a jewellery counter. I was distraught that we'd split up because I felt he was in many respects, someone that I guess back then, I hoped to be with forever. I went into a deep depression but managed to still work and find joy in my friendships.
Anyway, one day a woman came into the shop and looked at me and at that instant, I knew this woman was seeing my ex. This intuitive feeling was confirmed by my then lovely friend Richard, who was a friend good to both me and my ex.
The second time I felt this on a strong level, was when I'd been dating a guy for a few months back in 1994, after returning from Denmark, it was nothing serious as such but we were 'in a relationship' of a kind and spending quite a bit of time together. Anyway at this time we were both at college studying to go to university, me Sociology and History and Him, Literature and Computing. Anyway a large group of us hung out together and for some reason one day, I got a weird feeling that this guy was seeing my friend. A few weeks later we split up and I later found out that they had been seeing each other for a while. I got rid of the friendship with her immediately because she'd betrayed not only my friendship but also my trust.
The third time I experienced this was when I was teaching in a probation hostel, although the truthfullness of this, will never be confirmed.
I was sat talking to a potential new student, he was showing me certificates of previous achievement and the like. Out from nowhere, I got a really strange, weird feeling that this person was a notorius killer, who'd been locked away for years. This experience really freaked me out, to be honest, so much so, that I researched this person for early facial likeness. I will never know whether this was the person whom I thought he was because his identity has been changed and his identity is sworn to secrecy, due to the risk to his life by the general public because of the crime he committed ..This in fact haunted me for some time and made me wonder why I'd had such a strong feeling/hunch about it. Since then and over the years, I've had weird stuff about my ex and this has all come true.

The most recent feeling was whilst lying in bed with the person I love, a while back and dreaming about a situation or moreso, the feelings my beloved had for his ex.

I felt upset by the dream because
a. I was in the company of my beloved and didn't really want to mention it and
b. I was worried that the dream may've been a warning, or indeed the truth.

Therefore I sometimes wonder whether we subconsciously pick up information on a deep level without really realising it, or if we're more open to believeing this information then maybe it's a sort of 'deep level of intuition and insight'.

I discussed intuition with my Yoga teacher and we both agreed that we feel Yoga and meditation, also opens the soul on a spiritual, or indeed cosmic level. I love yoga for this reason because I love spirituality and actually feel it's good to see the bigger picture, on such a level.
I really must get reading some more literature about intuition although I'd rather not force anything regarding this but just let it be and if the feeling is there then it's trying to tell me something, in my 'intuitivly charged opinion.'Blimey, what a long rant about the power of intuition eh?

Love?

Gosh, I've been pondering love today and it's so true that when you love someone, you just know it. The feelings are just there - there's no doubt about it. I know with my last two long term relationships, I felt like something wasn't quite right, something was missing, somehow. It's weird but I guess I knew on both occasions that I wouldn't be with these people for the rest of my life..call it a hunch, instinct, whatever, I just sort of knew. I tried to fight it on both occasions but I guess time gets the better of you with such things.
Now, the person I truly 'love', well that's a different story and a different sort of love altogether..It's sort of difficult to explain but I just have an overwhelming sense of warmth, when I think about him. My God, I looked at him at one point whilst I sat next to him on Friday night and my stomach flipped over and I got that weird sort of gut feeling I get, when I'm in his company. It was intense, really intense!
I wonder if there's some weird energy going on at times like this? Phew, it sure did blow me away, that's for sure! I remember getting this feeling the first time I kissed him and it's wonderful to still get that feeling now.
So I'm feeling happy and yet relaxed about everything. I don't know where anything is going to go but I actually feel surprsingly content, warm, free of anxiety and worry and blissful. I think I've finally learned to relish each day, live for today and let love's fate weave its magical ways.

Dreaming....

If I had the money?
The dream, is bright and sunny.
A lover's nest for you and me
We'd be together, when we're free.
We'd run and hide, at the week's end
Locking all of the doors - futility would end.
Drink the fruits of love, falling softly on the floor.
We'd laugh, joke, smile, sigh -
and when things feel strange
We might even start to cry.
Our lover's nest would be built on a love
So true
Happiness,laughter desire,forever...all seasons through.
The lover's nest would be bright and inviting
Sacred and nurturing
Warm and uniting.
The lover's nest would be a retreat from reality -
Of the outer world and its burdening insanity.
The lover's nest is forver in my heart
When we're together and we're apart.

The Beauty in you

My one and only desire,
You -
Lift my heart to an energy, a raging fire.
Ethereal and true
Happy and light, when I'm together with..
You -
Sparkly and bright
My everlasting rainbow, stretching out to eternity, out of sight.
Always in sight,
Always in mind
You.

Tired Sunday

Enjoyed the NIN gig last night, although I was tired and really not in the mood for staying out too late..I also enjoyed the support band - The Ladytrons, really interesting sounds these guys make. My friends went off to Rock City but I decided to come home and get an early night. I was tempted to ring the person I love but I felt that maybe I should be patient, as I knew he was having a drink with a mate who lives in the same house as him and I didn't want to disturb his fun. Believe me I would've loved to have seen him but I was thinking selflessly, rather than selfishly. Now, I feel I should've rang him whilst I was in the city and gone over after the gig because he did want me to go over this morning, in the late hours but I was just so beat when he rang me, half asleep and also realised that I had no money hardly, to get a taxi over! Damn. If only he lived in walking distance to me, that could be fun..

I've been thinking a lot about me and insecurities. It's funny how sometimes we think people are doing things that we may feel rejected by when actually, this isn't the case. I had a conversation about this the other night when talking to the person I love...it's funny too, how we can sometimes misread a situation and see the negative rather than the positive, indeed assuming the worst because of own insecurities! I'm a tad guilty of this at times but I remind myself that at the end of the day, I am honest and I can be trusted and indeed that by being insecure at times, helps noone and thus, insecurities need to be locked away! I also know that with patience, understanding, acceptance and love things can and do work out.

Happiness is....

Spending time with the person who you hold dear to your heart - 2 years later! Can't believe two years have passed me by and yet, I feel the bond between us, is even more understanding and funny, than when we first met and not as bogged down in insecurties and 'full on-ness'..Not that I don't like 'full on -ness' because I do and I am a rather 'full on' person, if the truth be known! Of course time is a good thing in that, it allows you to get to know a person better and indeed try to understand where they're at, on so many levels.
Last night was magical, gorgeous and truly fun, I feel so relaxed and indeed happy, when in the company of the person I love;The feeling I get from him is one of warmth and love. He made me laugh so much last night and was happier in himself, and I too, was in a very happy, upbeat mood, which seemed to make the night even beautifuller..
I'm so glad our paths crossed when they did and I do feel there will always be a bond between us, no matter where our paths take us. If it was up to me, I'd spend more time with him doing different things but I know we both have different lives and different responsibilties.
Two years ago this week, was when I went to meet him after the initial meeting in a club...I guess our circumstances have both changed in many ways but essentially the bond feels like a shared one and indeed has become even more relaxed and easy going throughout this time, in my opinion.

Tonight, I have an invite to go and see Nine Inch Nails, which I'm tempted to go to. I'm actually a wee bit tired today but a bath and rest should sort that out. Saying that, I don't want a mad night of it tonight and indeed, would rather really be staying in and keeping cosy but I don't want to miss the chance of seeing this band, as I'll probably never see them again and indeed, get such a cheap offer to see them.
Here's wishing you all a lovely weekend too.
Mmm the naughty side of me wants to ring and maybe visit the person I love tonight after the gig and the refrained side of me is saying, 'control yourself woman'....! Gosh this brain of mine, is like a wild night of fireworks at times!

Happy Birthday Teenage Rage

Happy Birthday to my eldest son, who's 16 years old today! Scary thought indeed but also a strange time, in that he's becoming a young man now. I sort of wish in our culture we had more predomoinant 'rites of passage', from boyhood to manhood.
I guess in our culture, this consists of drinking with your mates, going to footie matches with your mates and all of those things that the male population as a collective of people, seem to do. Any of you men out there with other ideas for 'rites of passage' let me know please! :)

Time goes by..

I've rememebered how much I love not going to work. Sadly, this week I'm back at work after a week long holiday. I loved being free to do what I want, in fact as the years pass by, the more I want to do my own thing and be creative. I do miss the times when I used to do so many creative things with my eldest son; we did everything together, he used to sit on the back of my bike from the age of 1 year old up until he was five years old. We used to go for long bike rides, bake cakes together, go for walks, make models and paint, paint his wall together, plant seeds and grow flowers, visit friends, go to cafes and art galleries, museums, parks, train rides, etc etc. He had an active time of it and he was truly nurtured by me, as my first born child. I can't believe that he's 16 years old tomorrow!

My youngest son hasn't had the same attention as my older son, as I was working when he was 9 months old and in fact, I felt a great urge to go to work for my own sanity at this time.I was having problems with my son's Dad around this time and could feel the anger and frustration building up back then, that I sensed the best for me was to be away from both child and father during the day. This sounds cold and odd I guess but I didn't trust where my head and anger would lead to if pushed too much, back then. Looking back, I think I may've ben suffering from slight Post Natal depression and indeed resentment at my son's Dad for not getting his act together at the end of my pregnancy and not getting another job- hence putting me under alot of financial worry and strain, just as I was about to give birth! Being poor, living on DSS money and feeding mouths and thus short of money when you're having a new baby,was both depressing and hard work..
Anyway, things have changed greatly since then, however I do wish I were a little more patient at times with my kids but I know this is what working and being a single parent can mean.I have more money now but I have a different sort of freedom than the freedom I felt when I was broke.
Sometimes I think to myself, I wish I'd have met the person I love deeply, all of them years ago but I know it's silly to look back on time..I know you have to move forward and I know that things change over time. I know people change over time but essentially I feel the core of a person never changes. I know that deep down, people's softness and sweet ways, are always there but may be hidden because of hurt and mistrust and maybe the feeling that a person has made many mistakes and indeed behaved badly but doesn't quite know how to 'be' anymore..
I also know that the love felt on a deep level never changes for me..I accept people make mistakes and I accept that people are often mistrustful and angry at themselves too but I tend to remember the loveliness in a person and especially the loveliness that I know my beloved has within him..I still see this in him on many occasions..I know this core will always remain in him, I believe this greatly. I also saw the dreamer in him again on Saturday night, when we spoke about a historical place that still exists in the city and we both got quite excited about the vegetation that grows there! I know time and bad experiences can weaken and indeed harden the heart but essentially, when the heart is open to love, then the heart becomes stronger and warmer again..

The love I have, is one of great deepness...

Written in the stars

Oooo dear, when I read my horoscope today, it all makes sense and indeed rather than blaming myself, I'm going to take the easy option and blame the forces of my actions on astrology

You can be very picky about what you do and who you do it with. Currently, however, you may feel a bit more impulsive than usual. You might even get annoyed with yourself for swinging into action without your usual practical self-restraint. Don't waste energy on self-judgment; just make the most of every situation.

Hmm sounds about right to me...

Oh what a day

Today started off great - the demo in London was good and had a great carnival spirit. T'was great to hear many of the anti war and peace movement speakers too, especially Bruce Kent, Mark Thomas, George Galloway amongst others. My friend and I then decided to come back into the city for drinking. I knocked back a fair few doubles and because I hadn't eaten much, I got rather tipsy, rather quick. I bumped into a dear friend in the pub who introduced me to his mate - telling me that his mate thought I was lovely! Swoon aside, he did seem a rather sweet guy, has kids from a previous relationship and seemed to want to get to know me better. I'd rather hang fire with male interests right now cos I want to think about myself a little more right now. However, it was nice to get some attention and indeed feel that I still attract!
My friend and I met up with her boyfriend and ended up going to Bleuprint, one of my fave clubs. Sadly, the queue was enormous and we were told it could be a good while before we'd get in. So, we headed off to another club, which in some ways, I was reluctant to go to as I knew I may well bump into my loved one and actually, felt that I'd rather let him do his own thing.
Anyway, yeps he was there. We chatted some and I danced and left him to his own devices. We both ended up leaving together but then I started to ask him loads of questions and just felt like I needed some answers, which weren't that forthcoming in many ways. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I felt like I'd ended the night on a bad note and feel regretful really, in many ways.Luckily, my mate was worried about me and her sweet boyfriend gave me a lift home.
I got home and felt sad, regretful, fed up with myself and worried about my loved one. I decided to delete my Myspace blog in an act of 'spontanious hate' for cyber world.What an idiot I am. I now have to rebuild it or maybe, I should just forget it actually - what's the point in it really? There ain't any really I guess.

I'm also actually sick of the futility of clubbing and getting too drunk. Watching people off their heads and being all loved up isn't fun to me, they wouldn't be the same when they're straight and this annoys me - there's more to life than this. There certainly is.
So, new start for me. New leaf, new focus, new everything. Time to let things change.

I await with gladness

I have a lot to look forward to over the next week. I have the protest tomorrow in London, let's just hope some fanatic doesn't decide to bomb the capital whilst I'm down there! I hope to possibly go for a drink and dance after the protest, indeed there's a free party on in London, until 6am Sunday morning but I fear this is a bad idea and would rather get the bus back that I'm going down there with and maybe head into the Nottingham instead.
Next Thursday is my son's 16th birthday! 16? Can you believe it? My god how time does fly. I'm having a small tea for him, he wants nothing special to happen but a take away Chinese meal and his favourite Danish birthday cake, which I'm a dab hand at making now.
Also next week, I'm hoping to visit my loved one. In fact, I can't wait to see him again, in all honesty as it's felt like such a long time, although in reality it isn't so long really. Gosh, I have so many beautiful memories of times spent with him in the past. I also have some sad memories too but I tend to dwell on the good, rather than the sad.
I remember a wonderful night when I met him in a club and we went back to his old place and had such a beautiful time together. In fact it was close to this time last year, the beginning of March in fact!
He didn't want me to leave him in the early hours of the morning but I had to because back then, I still felt a huge responsibility for my kids at the weekend. I never wanted to leave him, in fact I wanted to lie with him until daybreak and wake with him and share time together during the day, which sadly, I never got to do and the irony is now, I can stay with him and spend time but he no longer wants that.. I guess on some level he felt extremely rejected back then;I can understand why he would've felt this and it saddens me that I possibly made him feel this way.I don't feel proud about this but circumstances were different back then and are very different now.
So, wish me luck people for tomorrow and the week ahead and I wish you all a wonderful week ahead too.

Joy and fun in half term

Well talk about heightened stress levels during this half term, so much so, that I've concluded, I'm a crap Mum. Completely crap! I yell at my teenage son, which then makes all of my energy drained, to give good time to my youger son, which then makes me feel like crying but running away at the same time. Also, now that my Mum's not here, I have no one with whom I feel I can share this angst and stress with. It's depressing. Gloom aside though......
One thing that lifted my weary heart today, was my younger son. I took him for the first time ever, to join the library. He got to choose his own special picture library card, of which he chose a card with the picture of a whale on. He also got to fill out a form for the first time. I could've cried watching him carefully write his name and date of birth, quietly whispering the letters of each word, as he wrote his details down and then looking at me for reassurance. How sweet and heart warming is that?
After we'd sorted his card out, we went on a hunt for books about castles and chose a DVD. I also searched for some short stories and settled with Anton Chekov. I figured that short stories are the way forward right now, as I'm not getting much time to read longer stories and therefore, I can dip in and out of the book and finish a story off, pretty quick.
After our book hunting expedition, we had a drink in the new refurbed library cafe area, which was also good - my son remarked about the chocolate being too hot and so we added cold water to cool his drink down. We both had a lovely discussion about a DVD we'd watched 'Troy' and which side we would choose to be on, if we were in the film. I voted for the Trojans as the king seemed more honourable and held strong beliefs in justice and fairness.

I miss not being an 'all there' Mum. I miss the time when my first son was born and life felt easier in some respects and more innocent. I loved being a new Mum and putting my all into my son..I guess as time's moved on and life has changed for me, I;ve found this role harder and harder. I also know that my job takes so much of my energy and patience that some days, I have no energy left for my home life. This sounds bad I know, but I guess that's what happens when folks choose a profession such as teaching and indeed, ending up a single parent.
I never thought my life would turn out to be as it has done, although I 've maintained a stability emotionally, it's not been easy.It has to be said..and some days I wonder to myself, if I can continually hold and indeed juggle all of the demands that are made from me re. kids and job.
I guess for me, my escapism is music, friends and daydreaming. Dreaming? Gosh, I've been having some interesting dreams again, involving my loved one. And again? Tears fall at times because I do miss him. This isn't a bad thing but a good thing because it proves to me that my feelings are still as strong and present and indeed, that I'm still able to feel.

So here's to half term rage, guilt mum syndrome, gorgeousness of innocent young children and their little ways, dreams and love..

Being a friend

Sometimes in life, you get the feeling that someone wants to tell you something but daren't. You get the feeling that because they keep implying that they're a 'bad person', that you therefore, need to be pushed away, because you're supposedly a 'good person'and deserve better; That they have such an enormous sense of guilt for their behaviour, that they feel ashamed on one level and unworthy.
In my opinion, life isn't so clear cut and black and white as that. I know people have the capacity to treat each other badly, but I always have a very forgiving heart and always will have. I try myself not to treat other people in a negative sense but sometimes I know that the most patient of people and indeed me, can be tested at times and thus respond in a sharp and angry manner when tested.This doesn't mean that I lose faith in a person.
My day job consists of working with some of what society would call the 'worst and baddest' people ever - Men and women who have committed different crimes. My outlook on these people, is to never judge anyone for what they have done but try to understand what caused them to commit such crimes. I also practice this belief in my friendships and love life (when I have one!)
OK there may be times when I have the feeling of anger and resentment but this is smoothed over for me, by trying to understand and indeed, have empathy with people.
I remember an older guy, who sort of 'mentored' me, when I first start working with excluded kids, commenting to me about how very empathetic and compassionate I was. He reminded me to never lose that sense of empathy and that it was a quality that can be difficult to come by.
So what I'm trying to say is, that to he who has been such a dominant part in my heart for the last two years, I've never viewed him as unworthy, or bad or undeserving. My heart has too much love in it to think these things about him and indeed anyone else. And indeed if there were ever anything he felt a need to talk about, I'd listen to him with all of my heart and try to understand him. But I'd never judge him for this or lose my feeling of love for him.

Time to Protest

This Saturday sees a mass protest in London against the Irag war and the replacement of Trident Missile. I'm hoping to go down to London for this, as I have the time to do this and I have huge anger and indeed feelings of injustice, about the Iraq war and its casulaties but also the amount of money being spent on Trident; being a CND member too, I feel that it's pretty much my duty to get active and show my support, along with the other protestors.
I look forward to this as it's quite a while since I protested on an 'active' level. I'm always protesting in my head and with mates, but on an active level I've been quite lazy - more because of responsibilities elsewhere than anything else. I recall the last protest I went on, was about the abolition of student grants and the protests before that, were against the introduction of the Poll Tax. I used to always do the Mayday Rally but that seemed to dwindle over time.
So time to get the banners, loud voice and a great sense of anticipation and excitement at the thought of descending en masse, to London.

I wish the clock could turn back

I know it's stupid to wish things but I wish I could turn the clock back in some ways. I wish that the last few years wouldn't have been full of so many ups and downs. I wish the person I loved would love me, how I love him. I wish he wanted to share many times with me but he doesn't. I don't care that at times he's been wrong to me, because these things can be worked on and improved.
I wish he trusted me because deep down, I feel he doesn't trust me. I can understand this feeling of mistrust, especially when people in the past have done things to cause a person to mistrust. I think people have been hurtful to him and caused him alot of grief and sadness.
I've always been true to my feelings about him and I've always wanted to share so much more with him. I guess, I'm being forced to depart him. I guess I need to try and stop thinking about him..but this is difficult for me cos he's on my mind everyday. He's on my mind when I go out at night and day. I miss him when I go out, I see his face in my mind and noone new, who I might randomly chat to and who shows an interest in me, seems to ever reach the part in me, that he does.It's like he's always a part of me, in some weird way.

Therefore in some ways, I wish the clock was back to where it was 2 years ago but without the complications that were there then and thus, I could experience the most touching moments with him, that lit my heart and soul back then and indeed over two years, again.

I also wish that we could have something more in the future but he's made it clear that I'm not a part of his future on a 'relationship' level. I know we'll always be friends but what is a person, who loves someone deeply, supposed to do with that information? What should the next step be for me? When I don't see him I miss him so much. I've dreamed so many times about being with him and sharing so many experiences, that I'm staring to think that I'm continually living in a dream world. I wish soemtimes he'd just say to me
Let's just go for it and see what happens, throw caution and insanity to the wind and go for it. Take risks and enjoy the ride...I'm a deluded optimist, it seems.

Let the fun begiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!

Great end of week and looking forward to a madness night out tonight. Last night was curry night with a load of ranting females, dear oh dear me, I'm surprised we weren't thrown out of the restaurant. At one point in the night, I realised how very different I am from many of my mates albeit a few; different views, utopian outlook on life and more that I can't be arsed to wri about.
A heated debate contained the subject about 'British Pride'. I can honestly say, I don't have hardly any pride as a Brit, I'm afraid! Just my opinion and alwasy has been to most extent. I also realise that the way forward for me, is self-reliance on many levels..feel good about my life and indeed, the ability to be alone and enjoy my own company, if need be.
Tonight should be good. I'm meeting quite a few mates and off to dance. I've been burning the candle a wee bit since Thursday but so what, I'm off work now for a wek! Hooray! Good weekend to all of my Cyberbuddies! :)

Hibernate for a day

I feel weird today. I feel like I should hibernate tomorrow, beings as though it's Valentine's Day and I never seem to receive anything. Yet, it's also my son's birthday, so hibernating is not allowed cos I need to make tomorrow a beautiful, special day for him, even though my heart feels full of woe.
I sent a Valentine's card last night, the first I've sent for probably 17 years! How mad is that? I didn't want a cheap tacky one with a load of writing on it, but one that was more subtle and indeed, didn't need any writing on it apart from a poem and a few words. This to me, said everything that needed to be said, to the person I've been in love with, for almost two years now.

I was so excited whilst I was thinking of the poem and indeed, other little touches to the card. It was lovely to experience this feeling of secrecy and yet declaration of feelings for someone - whether he'll know it's from me, is another matter. Whether he cares that it's from me, is another matter. I guess for him it'll be touching to wake up to loving thoughts from someone.

I think I need more love in my life.

Jungian fascination

I've always been interested in Jung for many reasons and indeed, in understanding myself better and indeed relating to my dreams..

Jung developed his own distinctive approach to the study of the human mind. In his early years when working in a Swiss hospital with schizophrenic patients and working with Sigmund Freud and the burgeoning psychoanalytic community, he took a closer look at the mysterious depths of the human unconscious. Fascinated by what he saw (and spurred on with even more passion by the experiences and questions of his personal life) he devoted his life to the exploration of the unconscious. Unlike many before him, Jung did not feel that experimenting using natural science was the best means to understand the soul. For him, an empirical investigation of the world of dream, myth, and soul represented the most promising road to deeper understanding. Self Realization is the final stage of Jung's stages of development and that within this stage there is still some room for growth and development. This process is also called individuation, which is the process of becoming an individual.

The overarching goal of Jung's work was the reconciliation of the life of the individual with the world of the supra-personal archetypes. He came to see the individual's encounter with the unconscious as central to this process. The human experiences the unconscious through symbols encountered in all aspects of life: in dreams, art, religion, and the symbolic dramas we enact in our relationships and life pursuits. Essential to the encounter with the unconscious, and the reconciliation of the individual's consciousness with this broader world, is learning this symbolic language. Only through attention and openness to this world (which is quite foreign to the modern Western mind) are individuals able to harmonize their lives with these suprapersonal archetypal forces.

"Neurosis" results from a disharmony between the individual's consciousness and the greater archetypal world. The aim of psychotherapy is to assist the individual in reestablishing a healthy relationship to the unconscious (neither being swamped by it — a state characteristic of psychosis — nor completely shut off from it — a state that results in malaise, empty consumerism, narcissism, and a life cut off from deeper meaning). The encounter between consciousness and the symbols arising from the unconscious enriches life and promotes psychological development. Jung asserted that neuroses and other psychological problems were not merely difficulties to be overcome or repressed, but that they represented opportunities for growth and maturation, whereby parts of the unconscious could be integrated into our psyche. He considered this process of psychological growth and maturation (which is known as individuation) to be of critical importance to the human being, and ultimately to modern society.

To undergo the individuation process, the individual must be open to the parts of oneself beyond one's own ego. The modern individual must pay attention to dreams, explore the world of religion and spirituality, and question the assumptions of the operant societal worldview (rather than just blindly living life in accordance with dominant norms and assumptions).

I agree with a lot of what Jung belives in, I also feel that I know myself better, especially since I've had more time on my own again and feel less trapped by my exterior situation. I also know, that my life is short and therefore I'm going to make the best of it and indeed be as always, a loving and kind person, to all of those who encounter me along the way. However, if people choose and 'choose' is the key word, to be unkind or indeed bad to me, then I don't want these sort of people in my life..it's not what I'm about as a person and never has been, so therefore in a few words, not right for my principles.

The season of lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvve

I've noticed all around me, in the last few days, love hearts, flowers, cards etc. Oh yes, I have to pinch myself - it's soon to be, Valentine's day! My youngest son also shares his 8th birthday on this day.
Valentine's Day eh? Well, I used to be a hopeless romantic on this day, however with time, I lost the romantic feeling this day brought.
The reasons? Living with a man who laughed at Valentine's day, moaned about how 'commercial' it was and wouldn't go down the route of making it a special time. I guess, this way of being, made me think that there was no point in Valentine's Day.
Now? I have them old romantic feelings back, now that I'm alone. I have the urge to get into the Valentine's thing but in my own special way. Agreed, I don't really much rate the mass commercialism of it but I do think it's quite a sweet and romantic time. I have visions of me being a teenager, catching the bus over to my then young sweetheart's house, carrying a ginormous, padded Valentine's card. Ohh the pangs and excitement of teen love. I haven't actually received a card for years but I did get a funny forum message last year which gave me a few giggles.

Ahh let love blossom and romance live, on this special, magical day..

Snowfall and affluence

What a wonderful night last night. Gorgeous snow started to fall on my journey to my beloved friend's place. The snow was falling that fast, that I decided to get a cab over, which was a little bit affluent really but who gives a shit! Anyway, had a lovely night with some interesting discussions, as always. I was glad to see my friend has now got his bike sorted, good on him! Another member of the human race using two wheels. Such a sense of freedom does the bike give you, a real sense of freedom, adrenaline and happiness. Well, it does for me at least.Anyway, much wine and laughter was had last night and a wonderful sense of escapism from the drudge of daily life.
Today? I've been a lazy, lazy shit. I was woken at 8.15ish by a text message from my beloved friend and then fell back to sleep until 10.30. I then went downstairs and made myself some food and read the paper a little. This afternoon I pondered with a mate about going for a curry but she declined the offer as she was wanting a quiet, lazy night in. So, I then lie in bed again reading, to fall asleep again! I had quite a few mad dreams and woke up at 6.00pm! What a lazy bugger I've been..I can't believe my beloved was up and active at 8.15! What a bloody hero and a little energy fiend.
So tonight, I'm gonna chill and get a take away i reckon, shouldn't really spend my hard earned cash on one, as I've just paid a load of money on a gas and electric bill, but hell I could be dead tomorrow like Anne Nicole Smith so - Enjoy the moment is what I say!

A topsy turvy week

This week's been a weird one. It started off pretty well until firstly, my eldest son fell ill with a flu virus and bad cough. Luckily, he seems to be recovering a little now. Work has been pretty full on, with lots of meetings and such like, although I had to take the day off today as I was at home with my son, ensuring he was OK. My ex has also been causing me a few problems which have upset me.It's funny these days because I've had enough of getting upset but I get upset so easy - almost like I haven't got a lot of strength left in me and therefore become tearful as a way to release angry, frustrated and sad emotions. Anyway, I let him stay here one night as he was stuck for somewhere to stay however, he ended up getting a bit drunk and became a little antagonistic. I'd gone to bed and said my goodnights to him, to be woken by loud music - I was fuming because I was wanting an early night and didn't appreciate being woken up by mloud music when I had to work the next day. A raging arguement ensued which ended up with me asking him to go and stay elsewhere. It also reminded me of why I'd been so unhappy with him in the past;lack of respect for me when drunk, living a different lifestyle - me working in a stressful job- him at home not really making the effort to find work, raging arguements, a massive sense of loneliness and emptiness, etc etc.
After he'd left, I felt a sense of calm and thought to myself that I really don't want to live my life in conflict with others. It's no good for the soul and I've had enough of it, to last me a lifetime.

Anyway, a nice end to the week, as I'm off to visit my beloved friend's place tomorrow night. I know I'll enjoy being with him and being in his company, even though I know I'll feel bereft when I leave him...I know seeing him will lighten my night and lift my heart.