Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ahh Life...

Life is just seeming to get a whole lot better. I think the darkness is lifting and I guess this is because we change mindsets and circumstances. Today has been a good one, working with some learners on Graffiti art and Egyptian influenced art work. The eye of Horus and the Ankh. I enjoy teaching art and indeed, facilitating and inspiring artistic thought!

Yoga is certainly great for me. I feel grounded, confident and back to my old self. Of cpurse, when exterior problems from others have been a factor then no wonder our life and emotions become affected on some level!

My son's Dad and I have also agreed our duties to our son over the summer period. This means that I get some lone time whilst my son shares some good time with his Father during the holidays. Because of this, as you know, I have gone and flippantly booked myself a lone flight to Athens whereby I will then catch a ferry to one of the closer Aegean islands, hire a bike and do some sightseeing, swimming, beaching and of course the obligatory night time partying Greek style! So many people have asked me why I would go alone. But you know, travelling alone really does not bother me. In many ways, I find it exciting, a challenge and good fun and most of the time, you can guarantee that I will meet new people along the way. I can't afford this trip in all honesty but to hell with that, you only live with once and I don't often get a week alone so, hell for leather I say.

A good friend of mine has mentioned the possibility of going away in the next couple of weeks, a new town for the weekend or camping. There's been no firm decisions as yet but it all sounds good to me.

My son? He's a lucky little fellow. I paid for him and his Dad (as his Dad's bday present)to go and watch the last Forest match this Saturday. This is the first time my son has been to a match with his dad and I know he's looking forward to it; they connect on this level and thus, it only seems right that my son chose this as a birthday pressie for his Dad. Thank God they have a son and father relationship, it's so important in my opinion and it's sort of positive that me and his Dad can still maintain some civilness and mature approach to each other, even though we have been split for such a long time. In many ways, this is a blessing, it really is.

Swine flu? This seems worrying to me. The Mexicans are having a hard time of it, so it seems..I wonder where this will all lead to? Makes you really wonder..

Relationships? I've decided that I'm best out of them for the time being now. It is the only way forward for me in all reality right now. I put so much emotional energy into them, especially the last one, I fall in love and then it seems it gets all pushed back at me and then I get hurt..some people just don't like to tell truths so for now, I think the best is to be free and single and then there is no chance or risk of getting emotionally burnt.
This part of the lyrics from the song Turquoise make me think about how soft we amd the heart can be and thus, we need to protect it..

Your smile beams like sunlight on a gull's wing
And the leaves dance and play after you
Take my hand and hold it as you would a flower
Take care with my heart, oh darling, she's made of glass

If I get asked out for a drink or meal etc, then maybe so. But when a deeper involvement is the case, I really am going to be picky from now on, take my time to REALLY get to know what the person is about and make my decsion then and if ever, ever again, there are any 'still loved' ex'es in the equation, I'm running away as fast as fuck!!

Thursday, I have a whole day in the city. Off to yoga again, off to visit a friend in the city for a small while, who I haven't seen in quite a long time. I'll then take myself for something to eat somewhere cheapish and nice, maybe chuck in a bit of art gallerying in the city, then off to a union meeting until early evening! An action and productive day for sure..

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Beauty of Francois Hardy

Me being a hardened music fan, have recently been listening to an old favourite French singer of mine - Francois Hardy. She has a terribly beautiful and calming voice and her 60s sounds are just so gorgeous.I guess I'd be a fool to choose my favourite songs of hers but I do sway towards the tracks Mon Amie La Ros eand L'amitie, both for their tune and their lyrics..

'mon amie la rose' - English translation lyrics

We are fleeting
And my friend the rose told me that this morning

At the dawn I was born
Baptized with dew
I blossomed
Happy and amorous
In the ray of the sun
I closed at night
I woke up old

Though I was beautiful
Yes, I was the most beautiful flower in your garden

Look at the God that made me
Make me bow my head and I feel I am falling
My heart is almost naked
I have one foot in the grave
I already no longer exist

You admired me yesterday and I will be dust forever tomorrow

The moon stayed by the side of with my friend this night
In a dream I have seen, blinding and naked
Her soul that was dancing far beyond the highest clouds
And it was smiling at me

Believe the one who wants to believe
I need hope, otherwise I am nothing

and L'amite..So Many Friends

so many friends have come and gone like you have done
I meet them for a while between the rain and sun
like birds of passage sheltering from a stormy sky
we get to know each other while the clouds pass by

they always leave a little of themselves behind
a tenderness and sympathy so hard to find
they listen to my troubles with a look so wise
but often there's a touch of sadness in their eyes

like you, you came to me, from the storm
you came to me and I kept you warm

so many friends of mine before have done the same
they go away from me as quickly as they came
their hearts are full of tenderness and love to share
with all the lonely people they meet everywhere

who knows exactly what the future has in store
one thing I know for certain, I've got one friend more
a friend in need will always find a friend in you
maybe some day when I'm alone you'll see me through

some day, I'll come to you from the storm
I'll come to you and you'll keep me warm

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Life Affirming Dream

Yesterday I had a proper heavy day of teaching, full on and one of my students was what would be probably classed as ADHD, all day BLOODY LONG - hard work for sure and to top it all, I was feeling really emotional! Anyway, doomladen and feeling sorry for myself, I had a lovely bath last night but had a good cry in the bath which is sad but it has to come out somehow, read in bed and got an early night..
Anyway, me being such a wonderful sleeptime dreamer to the point where I remember many of them very clearly, I was given the fortunate experience to remember a beautiful dream this morning. I woke up veary early around 5ish and this was what I remembered..

Dream scenario.

' I was walking around the Hockly area of Nottingham, feeling a little down and sorry, but really becoming excited about the lovely shops there, with all unusual things in; secondhand shops, antiquey shops, retro, jewellery. As I walked passed an old fashioned building, with a beautiful double door frontage of Oak wood, a man ran out to me, from said building which was a Hairdresser's, he was golden blonde with short hair and had a kind face. I don't know this person in real life or at least I haven't met him. He told me I was 'good looking' and gave me the widest warm smile. This made me smile and made me feel good, after all, I have been through a load of shit and sadness recently!
I felt like I was 20 years old again! I continued to walk down the street into another old building whereby I went to get some lunch. The decor was grand but beatnik and I felt very relaxed in the place whilst I ate some nice food. I left the place and the dream ended'

I woke up this morning feeling better and almost like life has been reaffirmed for me! I felt happier and ready to face the world. Sometimes you know, I do think I have some bloody angel or some such looking after me..I'm not a crank and I'm reasonably sane but in times when I've been lower than low, these poignant reminders it seems, are put in my place and indeed, make me feel good again. Interesting stuff and I wonder who the man was! Maybe he was my guardian angel but he looked different to the angel visitation dream man, that appeared in my dream sometime back...Fascinating and watch this space for more of my wonderful dream journals! Maybe my guided path is getting closer..funny thing is too, I read some of my Living in the Light book again last night and that book is almost magical, trust me!

Another weird thing is, I was feeling broody not so long ago! Don't think I'll be having any more babies to be honest now but I thought to myself if I ever had the pleasure to bear a daughter, I would, or would've named her 'Mae Rose'. I love this name and it dawned on me when I sat with another soul, not so long ago..weird how we have these thoughts I guess.. But Mae and Rose? Beautful names..

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Cherry Blossom healing

Cherry blossom petals,
Shine softly through,
The wind blows soft and gentle,
The leaves stay green and true.
Take me to a restful place,
a soulful peaceful hue.
Close down the darkness of April,
A fresh dawn spring - sweet and new..

Cherry blossom softness,
Raining through my heart,
Lift my soul and conquer,
What others tore apart..
Bring me peace and love -
To rest forever more..
Heal my soul of sadness
Cure my heart so sore...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Where Have I been?

Yes, where have I been of late? Climbing up hills and enjoying nature..indeed, finding peace and perspective out there in nature - works for me and always has done. Had a lovely time in The Peaks with my son, my friend and her kids. I've booked to go over there again soon for a long weekend, this time without kids and with the aim of really letting the hair down..whatever that may mean. May take bikes to do some cycling but the aim is to walk, enjoy nature, hit th pubs, maybe meet some fellow walkers or indeed, mountain bikers and maybe spark some drunken funny conversations as often tends to be the case when two lone females are part of the equation!

Time to spread my wings and fly people. New happenings, new openings, new life style, new friends, new dawns and a different way forward making different choices that DO NOT reflect the last 3 years of the choices I have blurrily made. A sad lesson to learn for me but no doubt a constant reminder and like being pinched hard on the arm that me, yes me, has better places to go now. Life must move forward to new, fresh and positive places and attracting this in my life. Yeps, life has been in a foggy place but at times, ties have to be cut I guess when they affect you on some level. The key too is not to sentimentalise things but keep on the rational and head side. The heart has to be put on hold now for complete worthiness and although I am in love the only way to be loved is when it is reciprocated!

Today I received a lovely postcard from a sweet Portugese friend of mine. He's out in France at the minute for a few weeks and thus, was great to hear that he's doing good. He's back in the UK again next week but sweet that he thought to send me a postcard with a lovely picture of the town he's staying in. I like these little things that people do and you know, it makes you realise about those whose hearts are BIG and Wide and Open!

I have an invite out this weekend, to which I have agreed. Should be interesting and I'm feeling rather excited about it cos there should be dancing and music involved, always good by me.

My son, bless him, discovered he is on Google street map! Haha, his mates told him that he was on one of the phtos near their house - outside, propped up on his bike and alas, we type in the postcode and there he is! What a nightmare but how funny..he said, Hmm can't belive they caught me on that picture! CUTE! So imposing though these things, they really are.

Thinking about heading to a CND demo/Vigil soon in memoriam of Chernobyl and in opposition to the proposed building/renewal of Nuke power stations. I hate Nuke power and I hate the thought of Govt's spending more dosh on them..If I decide to travel to the demo, then it's a day of gatherings, tea, cake music and discussion followed by camping on the beach overnight to a candlelight vigil the following day.. A long way to travel to the place in question but I feel this is the way forward for me in life. I can't keep sitting back and not doing anything that I essentially, feel passionate about. My weekends are fairly free so what a way to start giving precious time to..Yes, I feel the future is dawning on me and I feel that the decsions I am making about many things and indeed in protection of myself and my sanity, are certainly the right ones..

I found this quote the other day and at the moment for me, it sums up how I feel. I don't mean to sound negative but it makes me feel that I can truthfully trust in nature so very much, for it does heal me and it does nurture me, it doesn't let me down and I can rely and trust on what it gives and says to me..
I know that one day, this will come again from possibly a loving 'male' human and hopefully I will be able to trust but for now, nature has been a small saviour to me..or should I say a large saviour? Hmm that surely is one to ponder I fear!

Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Mum's Insight, Realisation and Peception to do the right thing..

My Mum, may she rest in peace, always used to tell me that I was 'too caring', 'too understanding' and that this may, or may not, do me any favours. I look at my life over the past few years and I realise that by being all of the above, this has done me no favours whatsoever.
Indeed, by putting trust where trust shouldn't have been put, by caring and and being kind, has meant that I have been fooled with. Now don't get me wrong, I don't feel embarrassed or anything about this because I guess I come from a place in my mind and heart that people, on the simplest level are 'only human', and can see regret and remorse etc. I am, or should I say was, a BIG believer in the view that people can change. I'm not so sure aynmore because when people continue in the cysces of destruction and devastation that hurts others, then maybe change never does happen essentially. Now, I don't want to sound bitter either because I am actually not and that is the truth, I'm more or less saddened more than anything.
This also leads me to think and indeed, realise that I need to go with my gut and intuitive feelings from now on.. To deny this has caused me pain and looking back, I should've got out of a situation last summer rather than being so trusting. I also don't like to have a tough shell around me, and I do wear my heart on my sleeve and this, I will always continue to do so bvut I guess the difference now is, that when the gut feeling kicks in about a situation and dishonesties, then I need to run as fast as possible..
And truths? Well, we all deserve to know the truth do we not? Or am I naive in thinking this? Is it not an honourable thing to speak with honesty? Or am I living way back in some rose tinted past? Your thoughts would be welcomed about this but you know, I have made firm decisions that now will lead me forward into new territory.
I await a 2 day break up in the Peaks this week which will I know, refresh me and put the last few months into perspective and give me the well needed strength and courage to break away...

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Birmingham antics..and collectivism

Birmingham? My stay there was good. Just what I needed. The union course was brilliant with a well informed trainer who'd been active in the Miner's strikes of the 80s and a then active member of the NUM and now Unison and UCU. I thought these types were a dying breed, they're still in existence but they're an aging population and need to be revered when I think about all of the political knowledge and experience they hold. The emphasis on collective action and proaction was inspiring and affirming for me..
So, apart from feeling more fired up and wanting to get more active, I also managed to see a band called Broken Records at The Glee Club, which is in the arty/Gay/China Quarter of Birmingham. This band were fantastic! I think they're going to be big given time - so musically diverse with so much instrumental talent in the band, keep a look out for them! I had a drink in a gay bar, which I have been in before and I love the atmosphere in there, The Old George I think it's called..but a lovely little traditional pub!

I also managed to take a look in at Birmingham Art Gallery, loved the Buddhist Gallery and the naked men on the walls - all that power in those paintings, amazing that such pictures can be created from paint and the human hand and mind..

Retro shop? I found a cool one and picked up a nice pair of boots and a lovely pink coat for the grand total of £30! Wonderful stuff.

On the way home, a colleague from my work place, who I've never met before, even though we're in the union at work and he's an activist, were talking about absence from work. He made me laugh when he told me that he uses latin terms for his illness if he's off work with sickness; Takes a Thesaurus, looks for the latin word of Diarrhoea and writes this down, laughed my head off at this! Yes people, there's spirit in some of the nation still for sure and that's where my heart and soul belongs.. and I guess, always has done and always will..Wish more of the nation would collectivise themselves, I really do.

Tonight I hope to attend a poetry event, should be interesting and no doubt I will report back to my cyber diary!