Thursday, August 30, 2007

Festival Weekend

Well, tomorrow I'm off to a festival, Offthetracks. The last one was great fun and good to be out in the outdoors for a long weekend. The friend I'm going with is also great fun and we get along splendidly!
I miss the person I still love but I'm trying to be sensible and not get all wrapped up about this like I have done in the past. It's a shame that our friendship has come to a weird point right now but I guess things just got a bit too heated for both him and me. Plus, I know there was other stuff going on in his life that was wreaking havoc with his emotions at the time him and I came to a head. I just wish he'd spoken to me about things a little more so I may've understood better what was what. When I think about some of the things re me and him, I feel terribly sad and fed up that things went so awry but I'm also a believer in letting things pass and calm down a little. We've had fall outs before but we've always managed to get back on track. I know I've been at fault too in some ways and my wrath has been scorching but I do feel I've also been extremely kind, loving caring and my love has been unconditional. Sometimes I feel he just got scared; our ages, different lives, different confidences - you know that sort of thing, yet the feelings when I'm around him have always been extremely strong and unusually different from anyhting I've felt before..
I'll always hold him dear to my heart..even though things have been up and down with us, I still care and I still have much love for him. I guess time, understanding, forgiveness, patience and love will be the healer of the fractured friendship.
I've had so many lovely times with him in the past but then again, maybe the loveliness was all in my head more than in his head, who knows. My instinct always felt guided and right and deep down I know what I feel to be true.
Anyway, I hope he's doing OK and the next time our paths may cross, I hope the dust and fire has settled a little more.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Rest in fluffiness and Peace Mathilda

Tonight, the 6 1/2 year old family guinea pig died - 29th August 2007 on the night of a beautiful full moon and clear starry night.
Mathilda a cavy breed guinea pig, who was named after the robot 'Mathilda' from Robot Wars, was bought as a birthday present for my son Anton, when he fell 10 years old. He loved her so much back then and like most pets, ended up that me or my partner at the time, looking after her - feeding her, cleaning her etc. My Dad made her a cage which was well and truly crafted lovingly and a pretty good design for guinea pig housing, with a little top box area where she could sleep. I guess this could be classed as 5 star Architecture in guinea pig world.
Mathilda got quite fat though and could hardly get through the top box hole at one time, which did give me a few giggles at times..
The weird thing is, Mathilda would squeek when she heard either me or my ex come into the garden, even though she couldn't see us, her senses picked this up. She loved my ex Paul, she loved me hugging her, she loved being let loose on the grass to graze, she didn't love my youngest son Jake too much cos he used to be a bit rough with her and so each time he went to stroke her, she'd attack him in true Robot War stylee! This made me giggle a bit too - I guess for Jake the lesson was to be kind to animals and treat them gently.
I guess on some level, I also think it's weird that Mathilda hung on until today to pass..My eldest son Anton, has been in Denmark for 6 weeks and he returned back yesterday. This means that he got to see her before she died..I wonder how much animals sense a person? It feels as though she was waiting until he arrived home to die, even though she's been slowly dying for the past week or so and I've been nursing her.
Death and passings, all a part of life and the cycles of life. I thought about my Mum, I wept a little and I feel sad that Mathilda, who has shared part of our lives for 6+ years has now departed this plane.
May she rest in fluffiness and peace...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


The process of realisation,
Walls opening - saturation,
Flowing freely, softly
Hurting the chest,
Heart, soul, throat.
Surrounded by a murky moat
Of sorrow -
No tomorrow.
The process of imagination,
Mind conscious - awakening,
Drifting, replaying, hoping,
Hurting the mind,
Psyche, third eye,
Surrounded by the clouds,
Of fog,
No clarity,
Pure illusion.
Clear delusion.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Feather

All alone in this thing
Called the 'world',
Like a loose feather -
Floating back and forth.
Through the air and sky -
beautifully curled;
Gesture of protection -
Fear of hurt, insecurity.
Soft on the outer;
Tender to touch.
Hard through the centre;
Fear of trust -
Unworthy crutch.
So the feather wonders
Lonely and enclosed,
Only desires to rest,
In a warm place called 'home'.
Until home is found,
The feather will wander -
Always curled -
Seeking to find,
The meaning of the world.
Home will feel real,
When the feather,
Slowly drops.
and rests in peace
Free of loneliness.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Did I really know him?

To think I knew him
Was a fallacy?
Words enlightened me
About who he really was,
What he was about
Who he really loved.
And yet the energy
Felt real, unforced,
Golden, bright, full
Of insight.
I don't want
I wanted friendship
Of a kind,
That to me felt -
Special, unusual,
I guess I was wrong,
All along.
But deep down I still believe
I was right,
My instinct guided me
Provided me
With the cosmic knowledge
Of truth.
God Strewth!
Why did he let himself down
And me along the way?
Continual detachment
Pushing away.
I guess some hearts
Just aren't evolved
Get scared when they pump
Feel too involved...

Monday, August 20, 2007

To take the piss outta gangsta man

Ok, so my light was turned on a little Saturday and I had a wonderful time. Both people I've been in touch with. Craig is a darling and I know we'll be out at some point for film viewing and whatever else..
The other guy, who I won't name cos I feel he has a tad dodgy past due to a few things he's told me, really makes me laugh - he talks a bit like a 'gangsta rap' man - he's always saying 'check you out eh?' which I actually quite like, I've asked him wheter he's a gangsta, to which he laughed greatly. I guess he isn't but just likes the lingo! He's a big fan of Blueprint, favourite club of mine but he's sorting himself out right now due to past stuff and wanting to get his life in order.
He reminded me last night, when I returned his call, that he kissed me on the cheek when he left the club - this I don't remember!
I've found out that he likes cycling and walking and returns to uni in October. He seems very understanding and completely unjudgmental about my life situation - 2 kids with different fathers and commented that 'it's the way of the world now'..what a sweetie!
I actually want to see this guy again, I don't know why but I do..the light being switched on for one thing and the sense of respect I feel from him, for another reason. I guess I've been feeling quite timid and undermined recently, which affects confidence etc but I feel like I'm becoming again who I used to be and what I deserve to be treated like.
One thing's for sure, it's been good to have two seemingly sweet guys walk into my life on whatver level, it doesn't matter, it's just nice to chat, text and feel like there's no issues about anything...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Light turned on

It's amazing, I should've domne this a long time ago, what? I here you ask? Well, cutting the negativity out of your life and filling it with positivity. This act of sensibleness worked wonders for me last night. I must've been radiant, shiny, sparkling! Friends and I got talking to many people, a lovely soldier who was fighting in Iraq, our opinions were on the extremes of different but I felt complete humbleness in some respects because at the end of the day, this man has seen much suffering and death. He certainly gave me a wake up call about taking shit from people and about people who are stuck in negative, destructive timezones.
Later on, we hit a reggae night where I for some reason, smiled at a guy outside, for whatever reason and he smiled back. The next thing, we were discussing stuff, of which I've sort of forgotten (booze guilty) but he asked for my number..I thought no more of this really. What was interesting about him was the fact that a light turned on when he smiled at me.
Anyway, I also got talking to a lovely guy called Craig, who works with homelessness but also DJs..he made me laugh and his Glaswegian accent was endearing to say the least, we walked together to our own journeys home.
Anyway, after a great night, I received a call today from the guy I chatted to first. He made me really laugh anbd seemingly likes similar music and clubs etc! And he's a good old 32 years old. So, my sparks must've been flyinga round last night and in fact, I.m glad to have made two new aquaintances, who no.1, I feel, will be a regular friend, who possibly, will be seeing again fairly soon! Life's good people, real good!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Intricacies of the female anatomy - In memoriam of the man I shared a life with for 11 years.

He knew all about the female anatomy,
Erogenous zones
Where to touch,
Not too much.
He'd took the time to learn,
Part of his yearn,
For the love of me -
Loved my female intricacy.
Even though we failed miserably.
I remember when he'd stroke slowly,
My back.
A trail of fire followed his touch,
A flowing lava track.
Tingling of magical sense,
Teasing me slowly
What a gent!
Why did we fail?
Familiarity I guess.
Boredom at best,
Domesticity unblessed.
Forgetting our needs,
Closing off to our feeds.
Other stimuli = more exciting,
When really, looking back
We should've been inviting
Each other some fun.
But truthfully, sadly,
We just grew apart,
The ivy got poisoned,
Branches wandered separately.
Untogether, alone.
But he did teach me something,
To remember to only accept,
Female intricacy to be loved
Mindful of touch,
Not just a fuck,
Or a shag in the dark,
But a lasting journey,
Of pleasurable lark.
Mutual respect and giving
It's true,
To offer these things
Only win through..

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Death of a Legend

As you may be aware, Ingmar Bergman died a few weeks back, which saddened me greatly cos I've always loved the depth and profoundness of his films. I watched the documentary on BBC2 about him last night and really enjoyed it, followed by the 3/4 of Saraband. Sadly, I was too tired to stay up and watch the last part - a dvd will suffice at a later date. Saraband really did strike me, when henrik declared the sort of love he and Anna shared. I can relate to what Bergman was portraying through these two people, who were so connected by their understanding and their love for one another. I really must watch more Bergman films again and remind myself about how much a genius this man is.
Apart from this joy, I've had quite a few tough days..I'm trying to understand so many things which I really won't go into detail about..I'm trying to fathom the whys and wherefors.. and I do understand so many things but I didn't realise some things aswell. I didn't realise my beloved still was so much in love with his ex..I guess I thought it was all old news and done and dusted - apparently not, so it seems. Oh dear me, all of my energy of writing and emotions, have they been a complete waste? All of my understanding and kindness, has this been a waste? I really hope not because 2 1/2 years is a long time out of life to give so much deep friendship to have it thrown away. I don't usually give up on friends and when I'm in love, I never give up..
I guess I'm feeling a mix of emotions right now, sadness, worry, confusion, understanding, hope, despair, love.. I heard a radio 4 discussion the other day and it said that

'Love is eternal, it really is and can bring light when darkness prevails'

I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment I truly do...even though love can have the capacity to stir the most animal like emotions aswell in people, it also has the ability to aid healing...

I may go and watch another Bergman film now...

Monday, August 13, 2007

Soothed by Nick Drake

I've needed to hear Nick Drake's Horn instrumental and these lyrics today and have found some comfort from them...

Which Will...

Which will you go for
Which will you love
Which will you choose from
From the stars above
Which will you answer
Which will you call
Which will you take for
For your one and all
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.

Which do you dance for
Which makes you shine
Which will you choose now
If you won't choose mine
Which will you hope for
Which can it be
Which will you take now
If you won't take me
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.

Things Behind the Sun

Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But not too wise
For down below they never grow
They're always tired and charms are hired
From out of their eyes
Never surprise.

Take your time and you'll be fine
And say a prayer for people there
Who live on the floor
And if you see what's meant to be
Don't name the day or try to say
It happened before.

Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.

Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today.
And open wide the hymns you hide
You find reknown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you'll say
About the farmers and the fun
And the things behind the sun
And the people round your head
Who say everything's been said
And the movement in your brain
Sends you out into the rain.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


God, I'm depressingly skint! I guess this is due to my holiday spending. I keep on thinking about buying a book I want to read 'Femme Fatale' but can't quite justify spending the money on this item right'll have to wait. Back to work for me tomorrow. I don't want to go back and I love being free at home. I know I'll be fine once I do go back but the thought right now irritates me.

I had my first outdoor fire of 2007, very late last night. I'm a dab hand at getting a fire going! It was wonderful to sit and drink wine, listen to music, get candles and lanterns shining brightly and watch the stars whilst accompanied by woodsmoke and firelight..really special. I guess this is what makes life special - not money, TV, material items but the soulfulness of simple elemental being..

Anyway, fire aside, not much happening in the next week really - maybe a quiet one..I guess this is a good thing due to the financial situation right now..Hmm time'll tell really.


My love for him
Is etheral
Transcends time,
Is always present
on and on.
Words though -
His new quests,
Women - his fancies-
Unbalance me.
Sadden me,
Cut through my heart
More than he'll ever know.
More than I ever show.
'Move on' he urges,
Yet deep down,
I feel he's lying -
To himself.
his love,
For how can it be?
Our warmth,
Our energy,
Is so strong -
Not wrong.
Feels right
Feels honest
At one
In peace.
For how can it be?
To share his space,
Feels 'home',
Even when left alone -
Feels soft,
At peace.

Saturday, August 11, 2007


Tough decisions
are hard to make,
But when
Play a part,
Protection reborn

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Blessed be my son

One more week and I'm back at work. Boo Hoo! I've been enjoying my son though and taking him for early morning swimming lessons, to which he's taken to really well.Today we also went on a bike ride down the river and had lunch at a cafe down there. I feel like we're pertty close at the moment which is a lovely thing. I have a curry meal out tomorrow night with two good friends and then Friday is a visit to my beloved which I look forward to.
I fear my nearly 7 year old guinea pig is on her way out of this world. She's walking all wobbly, has lost weight and seems as though she's gone blind. Poor Mathilda, I love her and she's so cute that I feel all sad when I think she may be passing on from this hoo. I guess I have to make her as comfortable as possible to ensure she has the softest and comfortable as possible, passing.
I hope when I am ready to pass over that someone is there to make it as comfortable as possible, preferably a loved one holding my hand and showing their love to me, to lighten the journey..

Monday, August 06, 2007

No wonder I feel happy

OK, so I've felt happier for quite a while - no wonder..I'm free from work! All I need now is fun, frolics, love and laughter! Anyway, looked into going camping some time this week and contemplated Hathersage but then uncontemplated it!Mmmm, does have an outdoor lido though..hmm thinking on..Think I need to forget that idea cos I'm good old skint!
I'll also let you into a secret, I have a new alter ego on my fave forum which I just love! She's the extreme, barmy side to me, so pop by and say hi to madam balmpot! LOL! Read madam's stupid army poem at least!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Forceful dreamtime

Again, I've been experiencing some forceful dreams. I woke up Saturday a.m to the shock of aeroplanes crashing into my neighbours house and partly into my kitchen, severe winds taking a hold and my roof of my old house being blown away!All in my dreams of course!
The night before I'd visited the loved one, my emotions were high whilst I was there;both sadness and happiness were visited that night, along with a good mix of some cosmic heat energy occuring in my back whilst I laid with my back to him, whilst watching TV - I felt like his eyes were burning through my back..I know this sounds odd but this was a feeling I encountered! Maybe he was looking intensely at me from behind, this is what it felt like anyway! At times like this eyes in the back of my head would be useful but I guess this is where instinct and intuition are useful to rely upon.
So, the dream? God knows what was going off in my emotional dreamtime but it sure as hell woke me up with a bit of a shock. My friend said that in Gesthalt Therapy, things in dreams are all representative of ourselves..the roof, aeroplanes, house, wind, etc...Hmm I need to think about this one.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Delightful respite a la Jersey

Well, here I am again blogging away and catchimg up with you people. I had a wonderful break in Jersey..a well needed rest and time for reflection, I might well add. It's always a bit odd holidaying alone with a small child and as a single parent but this time was different for me. I met a lovely couple, who had been in the most interesting trouble that I really won't go into detail about but somehow, these people are likened to those with whom I teach in my day job but of whom were the most lovely, genuine and generous people that I've met in a long while, so big credit and love goes out to Michele and John for all the fun times we shared.
I spent many a time alone though, listening to the radio - BBC 4 mainly with some very interesting programmes and discussions, reading the newspaper, thinking about many things and enjoying the peace and quiet of my holiday. My son loved every moment and made many friends which freed me up from full-on parental input to sometime parental input... It was also nice to ne around French, Dutch and German folk who added a good old cosmo feeling to the hol.
I swam every day, my son and I cycled a good part of 10 miles I reckon, which for my 8 year old is pretty good going I'd say.
I contemplated the changes that have occured for me over the past few years and realise that I must be a pretty strong person to have endured and indeed come out of it the other side. I also realised that being alone like this, gave me much needed time to reflect and evaluate so many things..