Monday, October 29, 2007

Worn Glove

Why do we waste our years
On one with whom we love?
When really we should know better
If the going's always tough.
For those who truly love us,
Want to spend time and years,
Instead you're left to cry;
Drown in sorrow and tears.
A new love, they search,
Of which you are never a part,
For they love another better,
Open wide to them, their heart.
The fool?
Left alone; empty.
Devoid of any love.
Thrown away; an object,
Tossed aside; old glove.
Glove that's seen shimmery evenings,
And sparkles that once shone bright,
The glove has lost it's sparkle,
Love has lost its fight.

Re-establishing my Danish Memories

I've been recently busy with finding out about where my friends and I are gonna frequent when we're over in the land of Vikings. Thus far, we fly to Kastrup, Denmark's Airport and then I've decided that we should catch the train rather than the tube to the city centre and head to a cafe bar for a few drinks to summon ourselves after out flight. I then thought it'd be a good idea to maybe walk to my mate's apartment in Frederiksberg - which is located right near the lakes, just outside of the main centre of Copenhagen;this will give my mates a good chance to take in the scenery and get familiar with the location.
In the evening, we're gonna head into the city for food and a catch up with my friends.
Thereafter, Friday we've planned to head into the Copenhagen for wandering and taking in the city itself and a visit to the The Glyptoteket museum of modern art, Christiania and Christianshaven.We hope to loan the 20 kroner city bikes assuming they've not been locked away for winter.
In the evening, we plan to head to the Norrebro area (big alternative area where the recent riots occured concerning the closure of Ungdom's Huset)We hope to see some live music and experience the Danish DJs in Stengade 30..God knows what this night will bring.
Saturday? A visit to Louisiana and for me, a visit down the coastline to Karlslunde to see my son's family and eat with them..
In the evening, a chilled one as we have to get up REALLY early to catch the plane home..
Sa folk, jeg glaeder mig meget til at besoge Danmark igen og taler Dansk med venner igen. Horrah!

Wonders of technology

So, I get an email from an old flame in Denmark today. Great to hear from him and the plan is to meet up for a little while for a drink. He's now a happily married man, with a couple of kids, be great to see how life's been treating him cos I haven't seen him for a good 19 years! Blimey.. I don't think it'll be at all weird though, our relationship back then was pretty wild and although we were extremely alike in personality, we clashed horrendously and used to argue about the most silly things. I guess we were both pretty headstrong and didn't like to back down. He went out with a girl I knew once we split but then missed me and wanted to get to get back with me by which time, I'd met my eldest son's Dad..ahh the concept of timing and how it changes things eh? Be great to see him anyway and maybe meet his wife and kids depending on what's what in their life.

Receieved a text today from beloved, I guess he's having sweet times with the new girlfriend, I feel jealous about the whole thing but I'm trying to keep as cool as I can..apparently he watched a film that I like last night. I assume this was a cosy affair between the two of them...always is I guess.

Anyway, misery aside, I'm getting more and more excited by the minute for Copenhagen..I'm gonna try and look at the job situation out there, just out of interest..and I'm definitely planning another visit out there either in Feb or April of next year..who knows where my future will lead me. One thing's for sure, beloved it seems is choosing his destiny and I guess it seems, is happy with this..

Sunday, October 28, 2007

The week that was....

OK, so here's a few pictures of my stay in Edale, Derbyshire. I had such a wonderful time;it's amazing how a change of scenery really puts life into all perspective. We did some good walks and I met some sweet people. I almost killed myself when climbing up a steep bank from a river and almost toppled backwards onto a slate ground..could've been lethal I guess but I guess my calling from the cosmos isn't quite yet, as was proved on Thursday!

I went to visit the person whom I love eternally on Friday..we didn't discuss what's going on in his life but I feel things are moving on now for him and his new girlfriend..hence me keeping a low profile.It's mad cos it always feel so special to see him and yet the time spent is so very short in the grand scheme of things.

This week I'm off to Copenhagen - I CAN'T WAIT!!! I'm truly excited and can't wait to see this excellent city again.

I've not been writing much poetry recently, I don't know why this is but maybe I'm having a dry patch..I hope the lust for it returns again soon.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Autumnal visit to my solace

Edale, again you are here,
this lovely time of year,
I cleanse my soul,
You make me feel whole.
You wash away my troubles,
And my strife -
Give me a reason to be here,
In this life.
But Edale why can't you swallow me?
In your beauty -
And comfort?
Keep me a prisoner of your energy,
Never let me return -
Nature yearn..
For the souls of humans,
Aren't obviously for me,
Edale bathe me in your solace -
Let me be free..

Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Olympics Farce

How can I and others in our population and around the world, support the Olympic farce? After watching Unreported World on Channel 4 last night, it revealed what lengths developers are going to, in order to create 'plush like' apartments ready for when the Olympics are held in Beijing; families forcibly and under duress being moved from their dwellings, tortured for failing to agree to relocate (bearing in mind many of these people have lived in this accommodation all of their life) People beind detained illegally, old people being beaten up.
This is horrific! I really can't engage myself in such a riduculous farce as the Olympics for this reason. I honestly feel that people around the world involved in the Olympics, sportsmen, organisers etc etc, should boycott it for the above reasons. Surely this is a humanitarian issue that needs further addressing and indeed investigating further.
I take my hat off to the reporters who undercovered this footage and I prey for the poor people who are being forcibly manhandled for the sake of 'national pride and competitive sports'. I know some of you will argue that this is progress, innovation, will bring much needed money into the area but hell, when people's lives are ruined for the sake of shiny, short termist, pathetic facade of riche, then I want no part of it. Capitalism sickens me so much at times..

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Visit

So, the Psyche's beloved Squatter came round to my house for a short while tonight and how lovely it was to see him. If I ever, ever in the future had a relationship with him on a serious level, I'd write things to him - cos I know he responds well this way..anyway, thinking and fantasy aside, I know he has to do what's right for him and his life right now..There's always very deep feelings though for me, where he's concerned..
It's weird, I still get those weird feelings when I'm around him..I wonder whether he ever feels the same or whether it's all in my head? Silly me!

I look at his lovely face and I just see the real him, the sensitive soul that I know and always have known, that he is..Gosh. How he's changed with time and yet underneath it all is the same man I met way back in February 2005!

Anyway, I'm starting to come down with a blummin cold or virus of sorts so my post will be not very well written I guess tonight, cos I don't have much energy and I need to sleep off this ensuing cold!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Temptation over Sensibility

After my ecstatic Underworld experience on Sunday, I've had a huge urge to go and see them again. My friend and I were talking about going to London to see them at The Roundhouse this Friday - luckily we've been sensible and refrained due to
a. Long weekend in Copenhagen in 2 weeks
b. Finances

I've been listening to their new album - Oblivion with Bells and I have to say, this album is fantastic, really excellent production and gives me goosebumps when I listen to certain tracks, especially Boy Boy Boy, Beautiful Burnout and To Heal. My own copy is on its way to me as we speak, I await with excitement and enthusiasm.

Next week is half term holiday for me, to which I'm tempted to sod off out of the city for a few nights and get into the good old country air for lots of walking..Always refreshes me completely and then the week after that, I have my late 40th celebration in Copenhagen. I can't wait for this, I'm extremely excited about getting back out to Denmark. My friend is excited and I'm trying to contact my old friend Frans but can't seem to find his email address.
Although my firneds and I have made no firm plans, we aim to
- Visit Christiania for drinks, walking and live music
- Head northbound, along the coastal area to visit the Lousiana art gallery
- I will head south to the coast to walk beach comb,see my son's father and grandparents and maybe share a meal with them
- Eat out
- Wonder and stroll around Copenhagen city, especially Nyhavn, Norreport area and Christianshaven
- Take lots of photos of what I never got to take all of those years ago
- Breathe in the relaxed and fresh air that Denmark offers
- Contemplate so many things and try to find closure on some level which I'm sure will bring tears to my eyes.
- Walk in Bakken Forest, all being well.
- Enjoy the scandinavian autumn.

The world will feel wonderful when I'm out there, so much so, I doubt I'll want to come back but only to be with my kids and friends...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Beyond the Underworld

Wow! I went to see Underworld play at Rock City last night and they were truly amazing. I got goosebumps, felt like I had warm energy in my hands, felt hypnotised and wonderful by the whole experience!People were friendly and the atmosphere was to die for. If you ever get the chance, you really should go and see them, they are one of the best gigs I've ever been to!

This Saturday sees Highness Reggae night, always good and happy vibe. I've also received an extremely sweet email from my new Dutch activist friend, who's informed me about different things that are coming up soon.. He's only 24 years old but seems quite mature..he's been active in the Squatting scene in Holland and numerous other stuff which is all good and positive. It will be good to meet up again with him and the group he's involved with, all being well..

My ex and I have come to a really good space right now, we're getting on extremely well and he's being so very helpful, sweet, a true friend and a true understanding soul.

Life's feeling fantastic in the light is something else.

Beloved? He's having his own bad times but it seems this is one reason why I find it increasingly difficult to be a friend to someone with whom you have strong feelings and shared intimacy with. Not easy and not good for me to hear about all of his personal stuff therefore I box and compartmentalise it away and try my best to ignore it. In my heart I want to be a good friend but it's almost impossible when feelings are still part of the equation. The fact that he actually introduced me to his then girlfriend, a few weeks back, made it clear to me that his feelings are no longer with me..and probably haven't been for a long, long time.

I think, in all of my heart, that men are completely scared and put off by the fact that I'm a single woman, bringing up two children alone and having a past. Men so it seems are threatned and embarrased by this. I say get real and stop living in the dark ages!!!!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Key to the Past

And so I sort
Through my belongings,
My purse,
The purse, you said;
"It's nice"
You liked -
Black and white,
Hint of Japanese?
Now the purse is
Dour, dull.
Then I find,
That card;
Bent, no longer crisp
Or hard,
Time has softened,
Colours reaaranged,
White to cream.
Your writing,
Small and fine,
Scrawled, exciting.
Those few years ago,
End of winter
Beginning of spring.
Heart aswing,
Passions anew.
I savoured that card-
With all of my heart,
That writing,
Those numbers,
The key to where
I'd find you,
Where we'd talk
Run, walk,
Desire, Love;
Key to the past
Key to the heart.
Immortal card..

The Learning Curve

As mentioned previously, I've been reading a fantastic book called 'Living in the Light'. I can't emphasise how important and enlightening this book has been for me. Since I've been reading it and since my age turn to 40 years, something magical seems to have happened to me.
I've come to the realisation that I have to live each day as it comes. This has been a great learning curve for me as I'm very much a future thinking person..maybe I was using future planning and thoughts to deal with unhappiness and indeed, a tool for coping with stress and sadness.
I realise too that the universe, as I've always believed but find it hard to verbalise, does guide us to where we should be..
Sidetracking a little, a friend I went out for drinks and dancing with last night, discussed constantly her issues about the relationship she's in, which went around in circles.
I actually wanted to tell her to stop the rambling and let the universe and her gut feeling take care of the issues. If she has a problem about him that they can't seem to work out, then so be it, she shouldn't be with him.
I find it interesting that as humans, people feel they need to define themselves by the person they're with. For many people, this generally means being with a person who the outer world, thinks is attractive, right body shape, etc, etc, you get the picture. Also, by being in a relationship, a person's needs will, as many people believe and indeed use, be fed. I actually don't agree with this fact, as a use of other people..
Surely being with a person as both lover and someone you're sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with, it's not about needs at all but about a more deeper understanding and connection, a shared energy, passion, insight, love.. I really don't look at relationships in the sense that my 'needs' should be met. I should be meeting my own needs without another person having to meet them for me. I should be loving myself, without relying on others' love to define me. By loving myself, I feel love follows from others automatically anyway.

I said to my friend last night at the end of our long repititive conservations,

"What does your inner voice say? What does your gut feeling say?"

She knows all of the above but is scared to face these things, I fear. Like myself, a while back, I too felt like her but I had to be brave and face the truth..

Now? I'm happy, energetic, playful, energy has been opened up again and I'm content to let my world turn to where it should be..

Friday, October 12, 2007

Where music takes me..

Tonight I've had a relaxed one at home, resting and listening to music;The Delagados, Emily Haines, Michael Andrews, Flaming Lips..all of these artists got my nostagia and happy memory juices flowing, so much so, tears overcame me..

I've also been listening to Bauhaus and one of my fave tracks by them is Mask. Really love the dirgy darkness, yet crystal clearness of this track..beautiful! My mind ran really wild whilst listening to Mask and started me thinking about facial Masks.
I've always had a bit of weird attraction to masks..I find them intriguing, exciting, playful, dark, scary, funny, erotic, so many more adjectives could be used to describe these wonderments! We all, I guess on some level, wear an invisible mask in our daily lives..only when we feel at ease and comfortable do we remove the mask..

Fruitful day

Slightly hungover today after my curry night with a mate and a bit of alcohol..
Went to meet the Indymedia contact, which all turned out interesting and informative. I hope to contribute to this organisation and I will try to attend their monthly meetings but childcare and the like, may be an issue.
The good thing is, this organisation works on a no pressure basis and acts as a form of collective, which is all good in my books. Discussed quite a few concerns re. housing, squatters, climate change and generally what is happening at the mo..It felt very easy to talk to my contact aswell, which was nice.
I texted the person I've spoken a lot about in my poems (beloved) but it seems he's not in a good place right now. I guess all I can do is offer support and understanding..I just hope he's OK and is maintaining..I still have deep feelings for him and I do miss him but since he met his new girlfriend I've felt it's best that I take a back seat and let him be guided to where he desires to be led.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get to night where Terry Hall (ex Specials Singer) and Don Letts are appearing, not quite sure what the agenda is regarding this but it'll be interesting all the same.

Here's to a good Friday people and I hope the universe is looking after those who suffer right now.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Floating in Cosmic Happiness

After my spiritual moment, a few weeks ago (the one where I saw a bright light in the shape of a head and shoulders - whom I thought was my Mum)life just seems to be so wonderful. The book I'm reading is verbalising what I feel to be true to my inner core and self..but is able to verbalise it better than I can..maybe? The words, in fact, make complete sense to me. I've been reading about loving yourself and letting the universal energy enfold to where it should do. Good stuff!

I'm also realising to let problems that may occur, wash over me, rather than getting bogged down in the mire. Whatever is meant to be in my life, will be. I will reflect the parts of me that I essentially am.

Anyway, I've had a good if not tiring week. Tonight I'm meeting a good friend to eat in the city, she's been rather ill recently but is now better and thus, will be good to see her again.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet someone involved with Indymedia, to find out where/how I can be of help; be it writing, researching, typing, etc..just to help an alternative source of information to the public, excites me! Please check out this link if you have an interest in alternative forms of media reporting.

I may also meet up with another friend for a preview showing of an Ethiopian Artist's work..luckily, my mate is an artist and thus, has a ticket to get into this show. Early show but nice to see some art and maybe stay in the city for a drink before she heads off home..she has a lot to do tommorow night so I doubt the night will be a late one, unless I get other offers, it'll be an early night! I'll just wait and see what the universal powers throw at me.

This weekend? I'm off to an Underworld gig, CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I love Underworld but I wish the gig was NOT on a Sunday night..what a bad night for a dance music gig eh? I guess I'll need to be refrained on the substance malarchy!

So, there we have it, I'm floating in something that feels like a complete,cosmic happiness..

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Here's to the future

What a wonderful weekend..had so much fun, if not a few challenges along the way, but the challenges have all been character building stuff and I've learned to realise that the universal energy is with me and guiding me in the right direction.

I've made a new aquaintance with someone, who's involved with Indymedia Organisation in Nottingham. I've always wanted to be involved on some level with Indymedia and thus, I'm meeting up with him on Friday to discuss how/what I could be involved with. It will be refreshing to be around a like minded person who seemingly shares the same political angle from where I'm coming from and who is proactive on some level. I await and look forward to it.

Just been reading about riots that have been taking place in Copenhagen regarding the closure of a youth organisation/centre..For more info about this
I'm off there myself in a few weeks time, so no doubt will hear a lot mnore about this, to which I look forward to..
Anyway, time to freshen up and bathe my weary body after last nights dancing action.

Saturday, October 06, 2007


I've now been going to the Highness nights for quite some time and I must say, every time I go is always a wonderful experience. There's such a vibe of loveliness and happiness. People are always friendly and I leave this night always feeling that life's such a wonderful thing. I spent time talking to a random stranger outside whilst having a wee smoke -he made me laugh when he said he wished more women were like me..what a sweet compliment from a random stranger!

Anyway back to the wonderful music, the soundsystem controllers were really on a good one last night - as they always do, they built the music layers to a fantastic level that sounded not disimilar to Massive Attack's sounds - wow really cool.

My friend? Just to see him smile is something else..this person has an open face but there's a hardness about his exterior, however, crack the exterior to unleash his smile and my, the world lightens up around him. A truly changing persona smile for sure... I don't quite know whether he's as aware about this quality or what but it is definitely one of the lightness things about him.

Anyway, for all things musical check out Highness Myspace and see what you guys think.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Out of nowhere?

So he texts,
Wonders how I am,
What I'm up to..
And we talk,
And I laugh
To which he gets paranoid -
Always paranoid.
But endearingly so.
I laugh because my mind wonders
Takes me to that night -
what a night.
Deary me, heavenly insight,
Hard exterior,
Boiling interior; Icelandic spa!
Heats up so far..
Mind wondering whilst in my meeting,
Wanting to text but feel like I'm cheating..
My professional role -
Can't end up on the dole!
And I think about that night..
Mid September -
Scared, excited, wondering, remember?
What does he look like?
I can't remember???
Then I remember why I softened,
Lovely smile -
Sweet and open;
the door to his heart, can it be broken.
Even though I fear he's shady,
Cagey, ragey - oh yes
This I know.
He told me so.
Doors and holes -
And anger and coals.
Light red hair,
Shouldered and shiny,
Fresh and clean,
Tall and smiley.
And I ask of him
The following morn
'Let your hair lie
Adorn your face',
To that he gives a sigh
Tries to pass it by.
But then out of nowhere,
He lets his locks tumble,
Before I leave,
His heart on his sleeve,
Locks do fall, cradle his smile
I waited all night -
It was worth the while,
Where will the text lead?
God only knows..
Time will decide
He'll no doubt confide.

As the day turns so do my arrangements...

Weekend nearly here and a busy one, so it seems, for me. I've been invited to go and see a reggae artist in Leicester, which sounds rather fun. Train there and then first train back in the morning or last train back in the early morning and then on to Highness night, sounds all cool and like a good thing to do on a Friday night. Hmm time'll tell I guess but the reggae sounds just great! Let me see what tomorrow brings I guess cos things can change from one day to the next in reality!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Stop wallowing woman.

OK, so the wallowing has GOT TO STOP! If people choose what they feel is best for them then so BE IT! Fuck it, I ain't waiting around for noone anymore. I'm out there to live my life as much as I can and stop letting the tyrants and rebels within me keep taking some control. I'm off to a birthday night this weekend and then Highness in a few weeks, whiuch should prove rather interesting, for one reason or another.

Wallooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow Ooooooooooooooooooooover!


I say it's OK.
But it's not,
I have to be realistic,
A need for something more
A love?
A life?
A togetherness?
I guess it will never be -
How selfish of me..
To think it will?
Meeting another -
Is his game..
I'm not part of the equation,
In the quest for his lifetime salvation,
To which it seems, he's found.
He's climbed the rocky mound.
I guess he feels safe,
Content and sound; On the ground.
I tried, tried, try,
I lie, lie, lie -
To myself.
Bad for my health.
Hard for my heart.
Crush for my soul;
Feel so unwhole.
Let him go..
Leave him be,
Let him find beauty
In what he sees,
In what he loves.
In what he's found
High on his mound.
Where he's now crowned,
The fruit of new love.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Still water

So he moves,
Rushing water; a stream -
New love.
Future life -
Maybe a wife?
Who knows.
I? Me?
Stagnant water; dying lilly
In the pond of life,
Always dying,
Left behind.
Green to brown,
Left with a frown.
Water won't cleanse me
Or release me,
For my water stays still,
Always will?

Monday, October 01, 2007

People's crap

Here I am again, posting after a restful weekend. What a change I hear you partying? no hangover? Indeed no.

My weekend consisted of chilling out and getting ready to go out Saturday at 9pm to then decide not to go out due to a bad headache! Instead I decided to read my fab book and get an early night (in theory). In practice this plan went tits up! I recieved a phone call after I'd just fallen asleep, from my son's Dad at 23.45pm, who was in my house at the time but playing stupid twat game. I told him to pack it in otherwise to F off, somewhere else.

I then received another call from a mate at 00.30am. Arggghh, she was quite pissed and pissed off that noione was going to where she wanted to go...AND YOUR POINT FOR RINGING ME WHEN I'M ASLEEP IS? She then went on to say I was selfish and a laod of other crap to which I asserted myself and remeinded her that our lives were very different and that I'd been through a lot over the past few years and that I do not accept being called selfish. The phone went dead! I then turned my phone off, fell asleep and was then woken up by my son's Dad and my eldest son playing loud music - 2am. I then faced verbal crap from my ex (too much alcohol had taken its toll on him). To which, I then frogmarched him out of the house and said to not come back. FUN AND FUCKIN GAMES EH?

I then went to sleep - by this time it was 3am. I should've gone oput and got absolutely hammered I reckon. I've decided, people who continiually drag me down, abuse me, take the piss, are going to be carpet solution, all around I reckon. They really need to get a little more enlightened and get out of their fucked up egos!

So there you have it, an interesting if not stress laden weekend. Am I bovvered now? No I fuckin well ain't actually, in fact, I feel very at peace and like the world's a great place to be right now - How comes? You may ask..fuck knows but this book I'm reading is certainly a therapy! WOW!!!!