Friday, March 31, 2006
It continues to confirm my thoughts about the system that we're living in. We're not such a 'free' and 'democratic' society that the Government purports, especially when 'crap arrests' like this are taking place.
In my own experience of unfair treatment by the police, I remember years ago attending the Anti Poll Tax protests in London and being 'angry' about the way the police were handling protestors;making ridiculous arrersts.
Indeed using crowd control strategies that forced protestors to become trapped and confined in one area, with hardly any prospect of getting out of such a confined space and hence becoming caught up in violence and brutality.
I thought this behaviour of the police, was practice that was mainly confined to a Thatcherite regime. Apparently not, it seems.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Funny really, because today I was chatting to some students about how miserable the weather seems at the moment compared to last year! Then lo and behold, the sun rears its lovely energy and shines for the rest of the afternoon.
This time last year, Saturday to be precise, I had a lovely time. I took my son to the Chinese State Circus. Probably not really very ethical but I really wanted to see the Shaolin Monks brandishing their swords and smashing wood; they proved to be a delight!
I also visited a friend on the same day and had a beautiful, truly special evening. Sad really though now, because that friendship's died an unnecessary tragic death, which in many ways is extremely sad. Life must go on though and all these experiences are sent to us, for different reasons.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
'what do you want to do then?'
'I don't know?' he replies.
Giving choices is often a nightmare in my experience. Just bloody give the students a challenge to do and tell them they have to do it.
Or a more clever strategy is to twist the task to suit their need without them making the connection. That's exactly what I did today. This student vehemently didn't want to write a letter. No way. Hate it.
But lo and behold when I asked him to send a letter to the prison he used to be in...what does he do? Write the fucker!!
Happiness and joy all around. I motivated him. I encouraged him. I nearly killed him but we negotiated, we agreed and a happy ending after all. He smiled for the rest of the day. We finished on a good footing.
At the end of the day, teaching should be about negotiation. About finding a common ground between teacher and student. Only then, I believe will you have a good relationship with your students.
Monday, March 27, 2006
I'm sort of thinking that I need to just move on, so to speak, because it seems that's the only solution and indeed choice I have to alleviate a situation, I'm really not happy about. This is such a difficult thing for me to do and I'm trying to get the strength from somewhere but finding it hard. So very hard!Especially after the emotional upset I've faced with the death of my Mum.
Anyway less about turmoil and back on to today and all things work!
Yes I managed a day at work and I'm starting to feel better. Hooray!! I've been getting so sick of being ill - pardon the pun. I'm one of these women that just wants to 'get on' with stuff!
I look forward to partying this weekend. Partying until the early hours!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I also met a few new people which is always a good thing.. Hi to Dave (Musician and Artist) if you check this out..It was good to meet you, maybe another time for the party? Hope you had a good one and your mate's now settling nicely in his 'new home'. I look forward to hear you play ya tunes soon!
So all in all a good, friendly and happy night out which I certainly needed! And all ending fairly early at 1am, for the likes of this party girl!
Friday, March 24, 2006
After much discussion about the budget and the newly imposed £210 on new owners of 4x4s I'm pissed off. These vehicles need banning!! They're downright dangerous, polluters and plain old not any use to anyone in the city. OK for farmers I suppose but not, I repeat NOT for use in the cities and our streets!
Check out this link that I stumbled across whilst surfing and get ya name on the petition!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
How much of what we experience is there in the stars? Shakespeare was a bit on the side of the stars and all things astrological, as too was Chaucer.
Is my path destined to be as it is now or will my choices affect this?Or indeed will my choices have nothing to do with my destiny and will my destiny choose my future?
All a bit mind boggling but all the same very interesting. Very interesting indeed!
1. Why do those that you invest so much energy in, not invest it back?
2. Am I an ugly bitch?
3. Why doesn't my love reciprocate?
4. I miss you.
5. Why do you continually emotionally torture me?
6. W hy do I feel like I have such a connection with you?
7. Am I deluded? If so, book me in for a lobotomy!! QUICK!!
8.Should I be a Nun?
9. My ex still loves me...shall I be the goddess he once and still thinks, I am?
10. I'm confused.
Pain I don't need - GO AWAY!! never rear your ugly head ever again!!
Well, been medicating up on my herbal remedies and starting to feel a little more human. I'm going to venture out into the 'world' today. I feel a bit like Bubby from 'Bad Boy Bubby' when he first ventures out into the world after 35 years of being locked in his Mums flat.At least I have an advantage over Bubby; I have language.
I'm going to wander around my home town a little. I'm going to hit some second hand shops and look for a few retro clothes.
I'm also going to head out for a curry tonight with some mad mates and see how a night out treats me.
I've been contemplating so much the last few weeks. I realise that things that are precious to you are not always precious to another. I realise things change for a reason. A bit like the wind; twist, turns and blows away dust to be settled elsewhere. I suppose we're all like dust really. Dust that gets blown around and then finally settles for a while.
So I welcome this time of the year.I welcome the changes bought about by the wind. I welcome spring. Yes, I welcome spring for its time of renewal, rebirth and regeneration.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Before I thrust you into the world of Sara's poetry, I'm pondering the Budget. I wonder what Mr Brown will throw at us.
I wish he'd renationalise the utilities.
I wish he'd higher taxation for the better off and distribute wealth to the poorer.
I wish we'd spend less on killing people.
I wish environmental issues were taken account of.
I wish many things would change but I know it won't.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
They're full of poisonous shit.
Make you think they like you
But deep down, they're just a prick.
Say many untrue things
To make you believe.
But deep inside these people
Are weaknesses that run deep.
Bullshitters ruin faith in humanity
Play on others' emotions.
But it's all their own insanity.
Avoid this toxic potion.
Thank God for bullshit detectors
They're the best you can meet
They help you stay human
In times of real defeat!
I lay in bed listening to a few really interesting programmes on Radio 4. Start of the week was interesting and urged me to want to read a new book called 'Yob Culture'. I then spent some time on the PC because my mind became active again. I finally fell in bed again about 12.30 after an action packed day and visit to the Doctors.
The doctors visit was interesting. I think the relief doctor, who saw me, is one in a million. He was so open, caring and bloody opinionated. I liked his opinions though and we had a shared interest because we both work with prisoners/ex prisoners. The conversation, after my diagnosis, went along the lines of rehabilitation and social issues. Very interesting for a Monday afternoon visit to the Drs.
My diagnosis - a viral illness. He was extremely honest when he said...
"We haven't even touched on knowing what viral illnesses are about" what an open and humble thing to say as a professional. In other words - I really don't know!
I explained that I've had this now 3 times in the last 5 months. Apparently, I've never got over the past 2 illnesses and this one has just come back with a vengeance!!
So, off I trotted to the herbal store to self medicate. I bought:
Floradix herbal tonic - £7.98
Honey and lemon tonic - £1.50
Almost a herbal tincture but refrained from this.
I've decided that I need to give my immune system a boost so I'm taking measures to do this. I've also been signed off for a week from work so I'm going to take things easy.
I have an urge to read 'Lady Chatterley's Lover" by D.H Lawrence but unfortunately it wasn't available in the bookshop which was a pisser!
Instead what do I do? Order the fourth season box set of Six Feet Under from Amazon for £29.97. I have no money to do this but hey, drama and dialogue must go on, in the sick life of Sara. A dose of all things HBO will do me the world of good.
Monday, March 20, 2006
As ever it proved as I'd hoped. Sad, happy, fun, philosophical. It made me cry - as always! Poor Nate and Claire, they've been through such dark times in this episode. I want to give them a big, warm hug. Although Claire did have a surreal meeting with a one dead Gabe. Who finally decalared his love for her. He spoke words of great truth when he said.
"The world wasn't for me. I was selfish when I was alive. I have a purpose in life now I'm dead"
Woah, such deep words from gorgeous Gabe. He was indeed referring to his destructive behaviour whilst on the living plain. His life as a dead person had made him face himself and had enabled him to become a kind, caring and loving person. Heavy stuff, I know!!
Poor Nate was now consoled(or not) with the news of finding Lisa's body. Such distress this poor guy is going to face in season 4. Nate, like many, went on a mission of destruction. Sleeping with a whore, getting beat up, pissed, nearly killing himself. He ran to his love. He ran to what he thought was 'Home' for his soul. He ran to Brenda.
What an episode! And now I have to wait for Box Set 4 to be put on sale. I have to wait for Channel 4 to air Season 5. I wish they'd bloody hurry up cos I've got lots of time to kill!!
I'm thinking about a quote someone sent me recently.
"Wot don't break ya can only make ya"..Hmm I'm thinking about this quite alot. I'm unsure whether I believe this. I'd go more with.....
"Wot makes ya also has the strength to break ya" Just my thoughts on that one though! Not many people 'make' another.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My late teenage years. My first proper boyfriend years. My learning about the mad ups and downs of what love can do, years. The spreading of my wings years. A funny if not angsty time to say the least.
My first proper boyfriend years were 1987.
1987 at a student party on Forest Road West. The house felt enormous. He looked small. Small against the backdrop of the large Victorian staircase. How did we meet? Our bodies warmth touched each other on the stair case, taking a breather from the madness deeper inside the house.
He asked my name. I replied. I noticed he had a different accent to me. A posher accent. A student accent. He had a kind smile and an innocent 'air' about him. An innocent air of not being streetwise in a city like Nottingham. He was a Northern lad by birth but had lived around the world, it transpired, in International Boarding schools.
For some reason I found myself attracted to his vulnerability and gentleness. He wasn't the usual type I fell for; Too skinny. Too posh. Too gentlemenly.
We kissed. And kissed and kissed. He wanted my number. I accepted.
From that moment on and after our next initial meeting, we couldn't stay away from each other. 3 weeks on and we'd moved in together. We'd moved to a cramp shared house. I was in love.
He was creative, a photographer, a gentlemen, fun to be with, a laugh, cooked meals, made wine, smoked spliffs, drank wine, read books- Gustav Flaubert, loved me, photographed me.
ME. Me in sepia, with cold tone, black and white, mystical, classic, posing, naked. I loved this attention. I loved him.
Time moved. We moved. We changed. Love for him grew. He was growing. He wanted more in life. I wanted him. He became indecisive about what he wanted. I wanted him. Forever.
He took me on a rollercoaster ride of emotion for about a year. This broke me. Depression set in. We decided to break.Broke up.
He met someone new. I sensed this a long time before though, because she came in to the shop where I worked and I just knew. She looked at me in such a way, that I knew she was his now. I was hurt.
I lived alone after this time. This was the most difficult time I think I've ever experienced in my life. I missed him. I loved him. I knew he was gone. I knew I was going.
Somewhere dark inside me had been unleashed. I felt destructive,empty, angry. This is the only time in life that I truly could've harmed myself. I considered overdose on about 10 occassions.
My saviour was my friend Richard. I didn't ask him to be, he just was. He visited me everyday. He made me laugh. He made me cry. He forced me out. He looked after me. He liked me. I think he may've loved me. Words like this weren't spoken about though. He made me remember me and who I was.
Time passed by and I moved away to a new country and a new experience. This healed me. Healed my heart and my lost love.
Looking back at this time is strange for these reasons. I had such a wonderful time but a dark time too. The path I took then, hasn't been visited really for quite a long time. I've enjoyed visiting this path again though. I'm over it. I've learned by it. It's made me part of who I am today. Thanks proper boyfriend no.1 for doing that for me. Thanks for letting me experience this emotion and coming out the other side. Thanks for letting me know now how to react to such dark emotion.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I'm there. Sooooo there!!
His music has a profound effect on this soul of mine. OK it's folky and all but it just hits a part of your psyche that only few musicians hit. It's earthy to say the least but ohhhhh the melody and the words just do something strange to this girl!
Reckon I might make a night of it. Book a hotel and go for it in Birmingham for a night! Nice one Josh! Some higher force sent you, to lift this weary heart and remind it about the important things in life.
I love melody.
Where's my youngest son?
Will I get reported to Social Services for neglect?There he is..on the street on his red scooter. Thank Fuck.
This illness is really taking the piss now.
Time to get up and remember my role in life.
He wants to go on the PC but I'm being selfish due to my forum addiction problem. LL are guilty of causing dangerous addictions in folk.
I will let him on. I will be selfless.
Now he wants the last chocolate muffin that has been saved for me. He's NOT having it!! I am!
MY THOUGHTS FOR TODAY ARE:
I will not let people take liberties with me anymore.
I will not be treated like shit.
I will not let people use my good nature.
I will not keep on whinging about meaningless shit.(well maybe sometimes ;) )
I am pissed off that I can not go and party tonight. PISSED OFF!!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Well I'm certainly ready for my cottage break in a few weeks time. If I had the money, I'd get out of this city and head off to my favourite part of the world, Edale. I could still enjoy the life of a city, that Sheffield provides; a good night life, a good free- party scene, good public transport routes right through the Hope Valley. Employment could be through the college in Hope or Sheffield? Hmmm.. sounding tempting by the minute.
I'd also get peace of mind by living in such a beautiful place. My mind would have the time it needs to experience quiet,inner peace and less chaos prevelant in the city and its psyche.
I'm getting closer....
O mother, I am sick of love,
I cannot laugh nor lift my head,
My bitter dreams have broken me,
I would my love were dead.
"Drink of the draught I brew for thee,
Thou shalt have quiet in its stead."
Where is the silver in the rain,
Where is the music in the sea,
Where is the bird that sang all day
To break my heart with melody?"
The night thou badst Love fly away,
He hid them all from thee."
Thursday, March 16, 2006
What's going on in the world?
For some reason, I found my attentions turning to a one, fantastic and one of my favourite Hip Hop artists - Michael Franti. Not only is he a fantastic writer, he's a true believer in Social Justice and is committed to changing the views of those who commit such bad crimes.
Keep up the fantastic work Mr F.Keep up the fantastic writing... We love you!! You're also still, very 'damned' gorgeous! Whoops!
Back to recouperating again!!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
One thing's for sure, I think it's a trip to the Drs for me for an all over health check tomorrow! I can't even be bothered to write this blog!
Have fun out there people!! I'm back off to bed for some recouperating.
Monday, March 13, 2006
I've been in a right stupid, silly, manic mood today! I like the energy this mood brings and I like the feel of wanting to do something mad! I won't do anything mad but the thought is there. I'm feeling cheeky, naughty and devilish!
If the moon has such an affect on the tides and water then I think it most certainly has an affect on the human body due to it's high water consistency.
I remember an old friend of mine, told me that he would often get an increased intake of patients on a mental health ward around the time of a full moon. I wonder then, what changes or pulls are going on in our body around this time? Whatever happens, I feel it on some level and I find it extremely fascinating. Indeed if we believe that we are part of the natural cycle of things, then the moon is part of that cycle.
Check out this thread about moods and the moon and see what you think to the discussion
For me, I love the Moon. It's a magical force. It's truly magnetising and it captures so many thoughts and so much of our imagination as both child and adult. There is truly nothing like walking under a full moon, using its light to guide you to your destination. There is truly nothing like watching the reflection of the moon on the sea or a lake. There is truly nothing like looking at the moon as a child and wondering what it's all about. I still look at the moon now and ponder what it's all about but I love it all the same.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Physically dear reader, I've partied harder than I have for quite a while - probably not reaching Glastonbury level of partying, but fairly close!
Friday night, I saw 4 gigs! 2 punk and 2 Ska, dear reader. The Heels, definitely get my 'seal of approval';Instrumental Ska that lifts your spirit and your soul. I danced for a good 3 hours I reckon.
An all- girl punk band, who I have no idea what their name was but who were also decidedly great. The lead vocalist in some ways, reminded me of the female singer from Crass.
I ended up a bit too wasted and struggled yesterday with the abuse from the night before.
My hangover cure? A long swim in cold water, gallons of fruit juice, teabags on my eyes, laughing about the night out with a friend and a hair of the dog.
Saturday night proved even better, dear reader. A mate's 50th birthday celebration at the Britannia boat club proved much fun and a well needed warm-up for the shenanigans later. Although, throughout the night, I watched a young couple so much 'in love' that I felt a pang of sadness. I was extremely happy for them but at the same time felt sad. Luckily, I managed to shelve that emotion for later!
12.30am and there I am at a manic, packed out Warehouse Party, just off Noel Street. It was absolutely rammed!! The atmosphere was one to die for! The music was excellent and hit all the right areas, enticing me to dance - HARD!! The people were friendly, the decor was inviting, the night was brilliant!!Truly brilliant! 5am I had to get back home, as I know that if I don't, I'll be in no fit state to look after the kids!
God am I beat today. I'm also beat emotionally today. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions this week too! I can't believe that at one minute you can feel extremely positive about someone in your life and the next, you feel positively saddened by them, to the point of complete emptiness; almost like your heart has been wrenched out but just clinging on by its last beat of life force. I've hit a real 'ache' in my heart again. I've allowed myself to feel this again. I'm not happy about this destructive feeling but I understand where it comes from. I understand this is a feeling that I can't keep experiencing. I can't let other's behaviour lead me to on a path of inner destruction. What makes it all so bad too, is when you've given so much of yourself; your time, your feelings, your love, your understanding and your belief in someone to the point that you feel they've just cast- away all of those feelings to nothingness. That hurts.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
But I can't leave this world behind
Debts are not like prison where there's hope of getting free
And I can't leave this world behind
I've been from here to Lawrence, Kansas Trying to leave my state of mind Trying to leave this awful sadness
But I can't leave this world behind
South of Delia there's a patch out back by the willow trees
And I can't leave this world behind
It's a fenced in piece of nothing where I hear voices on my knees
And I can't leave this world behind
Some prophecies are self-fulfilling But I've had to work for all of mine Better times will come to me, God willing
Cause I can't leave this world behind
This world must be frightening everybody's on the run
And I can't leave this world behind
And my house is a wooden one and its built on a wooden one
Seems I can't leave this world behind
Preacher says when the Master calls us He's gonna give us wings to fly
But my wings are made of hay and corn husks
So I can't leave this world behind
West of her there's a place I know Never have been but I'd like to go
Somewhere out there I believe in me And West of her is where I'd like to see
West of her there's another place Sun shines soft on another face
And the river falls on another sea And West of her is where I'd like to be
I tried out-running you it didn't last Everything that catches up must come to pass
And your voice is the one inside my head I ended up out-running myself instead
You'll probably end up thinking that I don't care When you get a letter from a new somewhere But i know you've got what you need to be Happy someplace East of me
Lyrics that mean so much to me at this moment. Mr Ritter I love your genius.
Friday, March 10, 2006
'People are Strange' as Jim Morrison poignantly wrote.
I made my way to Fopp, feeling pissed off and upset to say the least. The gravelly voice of Johnny Cash, could be heard through the speakers. His lovely voice stirred my sensitive soul to the point of tears. I thought about my friend. I thought about my Mum. My Mum loved Johnny Cash.
I felt shy and small, to be walking around a record store, random people passing me here and there, tears streaming down my cheeks. Well, dear reader, I put my head down and took deep breaths. Tears dropped onto the new 60s Film poster book I had just decided to buy my friend. Tears, that she'll never know touched this glossy cover, when she opens it.
Anyway,dear reader, after pulling my weary heart and head together, I headed for a coffee. As fate would have it, I bumped into a very dear friend from Swaziland. We sat and chatted about what we'd both been up to over the last few months. He cheered me up no end.
I walked around and around trying to find some exciting clothes to wear for tonight. I found nothing apart from a funky orange top and a black PVC jacket but I refrained from buying them. I finally got home and started to feel a little excited about tonight. Yes, tonight is gig night for me! On the Razz again! Off to see some raucous punk and ska gigs at Junction 7; Dragged along by a friend who still loves a guy in one of the bands that are playing!
So, gladrags on, head up high and looking ready to die for!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I've found some consolation in one of my fave singers, Josh Ritter. www.joshritter.com.
I first got into him through watching an episode of Six Feet Under, whereby I heard the track 'Come and find me'. It showed Nate and Lisa driving through some of the most beautiful US countryside, right near the sea. It was beautiful. The irony of this track seemed to be about Nate wanting his ex Brenda, to come and find him. This struck a chord both musically and metaphorically.
Josh Ritter is a truly brilliant acoustic guitarist and singer. If you like folky rock, you'll love Josh's music. He reaches a special, if not poignant, place about life and love.
from the hills and up behind my town is naked from the horizon down ..
come and find me now
though i’m here in this far off place,
come and find me now
i keep you in a flower vase with your fatalism and crooked face
come and find me now
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
The last few days though, I've been waking suddenly with a real 'pang' in my heart and throat. It's been happening about 6ish and it just makes me feel real strange. Something weird is supposed to happen this month, according to my ruling star sign Virgo, around the time of the lunar eclipse. Something to do with my domestic situation...we'll see. Maybe it's just all to do with that? Maybe? A brief summary of what's happening for me apparently in my star sign..
You might say that it's been coming a long time. Relationship problems that blow into your life on the full moon lunar eclipse March 14 could rock your world, so brace for news you don't expect. This lunar eclipse will be in Virgo, so you may feel like you are in the center of the storm. You will feel things more directly if you were born within five days of September 16.
What is to surface will likely knock you off your feet, and the news will concern someone who has likely betrayed your trust. Fortunately, you are a practical, realistic soul. You'll know it's for the best that you have the facts, for dealing with nothing more than half-truths and fantasies in a close relationship is no way to live. While you may have known that your relationship wasn't quite right, you won't be prepared for the nature of the information that you will receive. Uranus, planet of unanticipated news, will be in a particularly troublesome position, in relationship to belligerent Mars, so lots of words will be exchanged, some hurtful, but in the end, the situation will be clarified.
It appears you weren't party to the problems that created this mess, but you will have to cope with the fallout just the same. With Saturn opposed to Venus, the whole episode will be rather sobering. The first three weeks will feel like a minefield and will leave your emotions feeling raw. Things will improve by the fourth week, thank goodness, for by then you will have all the information you need to make a decision and to move forward decisively.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
The Percussion crew pleased my ears and it was good to bump into many friends too down there!
For anyone who's into Ska, you need to check these guys out!
Bison - a brilliant 10 piece band with a big and I mean BIG horn section! Saw them last year a the Shakedown 05 Warehouse Party in Nottingham and again last night. They've never let me down yet. If you get the chance people, go see them!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
A few days ago I found out that Z had passed over. Shocked? Believe me, I was shocked! Shocked to think that this lovely, albeit cheeky and feisty little soul, had left life on this plain, as we know it. If I'm right, Z was around 23 years of age and had been in and out of homeless hostels for quite some time. The last time I taught her was about 3 months ago.
The first time I met her, she was a fresh faced, young woman, with a life to look forward to and boundless enthusiasm for what she was doing.
The second time I taught her, she seemed somehow different. Blighted. Dispirited. Torn apart in many ways, by the knocks life was dealing her. I found her harder to engage and motivate. I found her more chaotic than I'd known in the past. Sadly, Z was also a diabetic, which wasn't being helped by her chaotic drug use.
At the end of her life, the Diabetes complicated matters and proved fatal.
I choose to remember Z as I originally found her. Happy, feisty and a lovely soul to teach and be around.
I pray that Z finds true happiness wherever her soul has rested. I pray that her soul finds peace. I pray for her to be dealt no knocks, next time around.
Bless you Z. May your soul truly rest in peace. XXX