Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friend 1 and partner were all set to be out tonight and then she informs that they're worried about the cost of the taxi. I inform them they can stay here and we can all share a taxi, hence lowering the cost - Umming and ahhing about whether or not they'll be coming out. It is New Years, I remind them and my first one out at that for years! This statement seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Friend 2, I have alot more sympathy with and can actually understand her reasons for not coming out.
What is it about New Year's Eve? People really get 'het' up about the strangest of things. Why don't they just enjoy the moment for what it is? For me, I'm rather excited as this is the first New Years that I've been out on with friends, hence my excitement about being around my friends, which funnily enough has started to dwindle a little....
Saying that, I'd much rather be out with mates than stuck in, as in times past with two of my ex's. I have crap memories of many New Year's Eve arguments, drunkeness, aggression, anger and in a few instances violence, caused through alcohol. New Year's Eve really seems to bring out the anger and truth with people, in many ways.
Anyway, negative stuff aside, I'm bloody happy and excited about being out tonight as a single person. I'll have no-one causing banal, drunken arguements with me, picking a fight or even trying to provoke me into getting into a 'raging' argument. Let's hope these sort of times are a relic of my past..had far too many of 'em, over far too many New Years.
All I want now, is to enjoy the night with the dear friends that are out with me and look forward to the New Year. It's a shame that I'm not sharing tonight with the person I do love but he's chosen his own New Year's plans and I sincerely hope he has a good time. (Reckon he'd have a better time though, if he were out with me!)
Anyway, we all make our choices for whatever reasons and these choices lead us to our destiny in life.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
I could go on but I'd rather let you read this piece -
In 1951, Laura Brown, a pregnant housewife, is planning a party for her husband, but she can't stop reading the novel 'Mrs. Dalloway'. Clarissa Vaughn, a modern woman living in present times is throwing a party for her friend Richard, a famous author dying of AIDS. These two stories are simultaneously linked to the work and life of Virginia Woolf, who's writing the novel mentioned before.
The film concerns three women each suffering from depression. Virginia Woolf is starting to write her book 'Mrs. Dalloway' in 1923 England. She is coming to the realization of her lesbianism and fighting her pure despair of life and headaches. Virginia receives a visit from her sister Vanessa and Vanessa's two sons and daughter. The daughter places a strong influence on Virginia's emotions through the death of a bird. Eventually, Virgnia must face the decision to run away to London, stay with her beloved husband, or move to London where the doctors forbid her to go. Laura Brown is a mother fearing her ability to be a mother again. She is reading 'Mrs. Dalloway' in 1951 Los Angeles. Laura is trying to throw a wonderful birthday party for her husband. The very pregnant Laura thinks she won't be an adequate mother to her son and current baby on the way in a few months. Laura must make the decision to run away from it all or live miserably with her happy husband. Clarissa Vaughan is a career publisher living in present 2001 New York. Her nickname, given by her poet-friend, Richard, who is dying of AIDS, is Mrs. Dalloway. Clarissa is also throwing a party but for Richard who is receiving an award for his poetry. Like Virginia Woolf, Clarissa is also a lesbian but also wonders if she is in love with Richard with whom she once dated. At the end, the whole plot twists and comes together. The basic theme of the film is wondering if it is better to live your life for your own happiness or others.
A thoughtful and poignant film in many ways and so refreshing to see women at its core.
What message does this give to the next generation? That the death sentence is fair and just? An eye for an eye? It amazes me that in the world we live in today, people still feel that revenge is acceptable.
Wouldn't it have actually been more acceptable to make Saddam contemplate the horrendous crimes he's done and maybe, given time, find a little remorse in his heart and soul, for what he's done and for destroying many of the people's lives to whom he's committed such attrocities against? I feel this is a much better way of being 'punished', than showing the world that 'the death penalty' is acceptable - that killing is OK? I await what will happen in Iraq and other states in the future and indeed, I foresee a blood bath in the coming future. So today the rain and gloom of the day have perfectly suited my distressed mood about such inhumanity.
On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to what a New Year will bring. I've had such a hard year of it in 2006 that I'm sure things can only get better. I aim to greet the New Year with a positive mind and outlook although I do fear, that I may well feel rather emotional too.
For some reason, Xmas and the run up to New Year has brought out a lot of emotion in me. However, I've come to the conclusion that I need to protect my heart a little better from now on and need to practice a little more 'reflection' about situations that may cause me upset;Upset that isn't intended by anyone but that just affects me, because of my own deep, yearning feelings.
I really know that I've never felt such a deep yearning and love for anyone in my life, than that I have felt for the same person, over almost a two year period. I still dream about him,in fact I dreamt about him after seeing him on Thursday - you wouldn't believe how 'real' the dream felt! I think about him alot of the time, I wonder about him and I hold him so dear to my heart, even though fate hasn't bound us together. However, I'm also more aware that sometimes in life, it's necessary to think a little more selfishly, create your own little coccoon, when you know that certain experiences may bring about a deep emotional trauma in you, a sort of self- preservation. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Simon Pegg's co actor in Spaced and Shaun of the Dead and heal my heart by the 'have a few flings scenario' because as he says, this has always aided his heartbreak.Hmmm I wonder? Not really my style really and in many ways, not really fair to another person. Indeed, why have a fling with someone when deep down, you crave and indeed love someone else?If anything, I guess it's best to clear your head of all love interests before you embark on a new voyage. Saying that though, I really don't ever think I'll lose that 'deep love' for the person I love. I think I could go, for example, 2 years without seeing him and then when I did see him, I'd still have the same feelings. Blimey! You really can't beat the power of feelings.
Anyway, love and feelings aside, I have friends coming over to my house early evening tomorrow for champagne and Black Russians and then we're being partly spontaneous, by heading off to one of my favourite bars and then meandering the streets of the inner city to be led to wherever the night may take us. I await a pleasant eve..
Have a wonderful New Year's Eve .
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I've seen both Ardency and Delirium Funk live and I can verify that they are both well worth seeing. Ardency are so friendly and sweet too.
Tim Pare is a new musician I've recently come across. At first I thought he was just another random acoustic musician, however there's something really special about his music. The tunes and lyrics really move me on an emotional level so this really shows to me that he's good. Any musician who can move me in this way is always well worth following in my opinion.I love the song My Lover and Exorcism. The opening sound of Cello in 'My lover' is so beautiful and such lyrics as...
"Is this real love? I'm torn. Coldness only comes because you're warm"
Wow! What lyrics - they say it all to me..so touching and so tragic at the same time.
His story too is a fascinating one and one that I can completely relate to, especially on a relationship level. I remember years ago when I split up from a 'first' love at a tender age and the only way I felt I could deal with it was to give up everything and move away. This action does heal the soul on many levels. I must say, I've felt like this too in recent years but being a mother and having responsibilties in many ways, stops a person from walking from their troubles. Instead, you have to deal with the problems head on and indeed, deal with kids at the same time which can be pretty hard work.
So guys, I urge you to listen to these musicians and let me know what you think. Tim Pare is definitely the one who's moving me greatly right now.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Anyway, spew aside, I'm glad a computer is part of my life. I love the fact that I can lie in bed and listen to Radio 4. I love the fact I can lie in bed and watch DVDs on my PC. I love the fact that I can listen to my favourite music and learn about new musicians.
This time next week you can bet I'm gonna be moaning about post New Year's spew, even though I know I'm going to have a good time. So many of my friends are coming out on new Years, that I've a feeling it's going to be a wonderful start to the New Year. What more could one ask for in life? I'm blessed that I have such lovely friends and indeed, friends who share many of the same values as my own.
Anyway, cough and spluttering aside, 2006 is nearly over, would you believe (well that's according to our calendar anyway.)
What a year!What change, what fun, what sadness, what passion, what desire, what pain, what relief, what freedom, what loving, what partying, what laughter, what contemplating - I could go on...but I fear I'll ramble forever more!
I'm not really a believer in New Year's resolutions, however there are quite a few things I would like to change/accomplish in the coming year.
I'd really like to learn to play the piano. I always loved practising on a piano when I was a child and indeed when I worked for a family who possessed a beauty of a Steinway grand piano.I was also pretty good at finding the notes, whilst listening to music and playing along with it.
I'd also love to learn to play Djembe drums but I feel I need to do one thing at a time.
I'd like to try and find time to get my house done up a little. I need to decorate some rooms and want to generally get on top of what needs doing to it.
I would love to try and save some money this year and go on a good holiday. Time will tell with that one.
I'd like to continue to share warm times with the person I hold dear to my heart.
I'd like to get away more at weekends and exit the city.
I'd like my son to make his mind up about what he wants to do.
I need more time to think and write down what aims/hopes/thoughts I hold, for 2007.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Last night, as my son and I walked down our street after we'd visited my family for Xmas day, I stopped with him for a few minutes and asked him to listen to how quiet the 'night' was. He stood there with me, listening intently to the silence that was around us; no car noises, no industrial sounds, no voices, no music, no mobile phones ringing, no sounds of people walking. Pure silence. Beautiful, peaceful and poetical.
It really amazes me that people in power don't see the importance of silence to us, as human beings and indeed, to the animal world. There's something so sacred about the sound of silence. There's a real need for us to have peace and quiet at times. It's so good for the soul. Luckily, I try and recreate this silence fairly regularly, either by wondering off into the countryside at times, to find this silence and serenity, or by doing meditation. I haven't meditated in a good while but I really feel this should be a New Year aim. I may also head out of the city whilst I'm on holiday from work and appreciate silence again and indeed nature, before I venture back to work...
May you find solace, in this calm day out there.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Here are my siblings/nieces/nephews (Dad in the background on one of the photos) and I, having a funny Xmas day.
The blonde guy with the white T shirt, is my little brother, although he's a damned sight taller than me! The very young girl and the young man/woman, both with stripey T shirts, are all my nieces and nephew.The woman with dark hair looking like she's had enough, is my older sister. Had a good old Xmas day of it. Had a lot of fun playing games later on in the evening, although I could see that the game playing was heading towards potential disaster with the amount that was being drunk! Baileys/Cava slammers! Sounds odd I know, but you had to be there to understand the ridiculousness, yet fun of this game...it involved memory and taking it in turns to remember things that were said by the previous person. My sister was getting a little agitated as her husband was drinking a wee bit too much for her liking. Interestingly, I wonder how many people feel like this around Xmas time? I guess quite a fair few as Xmas drinking does tend to bring out the demons in some people.
Later on, we all sat down to watch a bit of a film. I was tired though and ready for my bed.
It's been a lovely time to catch up with my family and share the day together...I guess this is really what Xmas is about. Catching up and sharing warm times and connections with those whom we hold dear.
I missed the person I love a lot. I missed him last night and thought a lot about him. I woke up today and missed him again. It's weird in many ways because Xmas can be such a contemplative time..I tend to reflect a lot around Xmas. It was good though, to receive Xmas wishes from him in the morning. It touched my heart and made me smile.
Interestingly, I got into a coversation with my 75 year old uncle who was talking about a 'flame' that he met, many years ago, in fact, when he was 23 years old! The woman he met was only 16 at the time and was a German woman. He sort of fell in love with her but admitted that he was stupid and never pursued her as he should have done. He married another woman that ended in divorce 17 years later!
However, he's still in contact with the German woman today and still has strong feelings - 50 or so years later...Wow!
In some ways as people, I feel we forget about elderly people and their lives. In may ways, society is so dismissive of elderly people and in manys, they become 'invisible', when in fact, they've shared the same feelings, passion, desires as younger people. I love talking to older people, they fascinate me. Their history and indeed their stories fascinate me.
I also though, love being around young children when I have no 'exterior' stresses such as work. I love watching them play and listening to what they have to say;Xmas allows me to listen more intently to them and laugh at their cheekiness and funny behaviour.
So today was contemplative, reflective, fun, happy, merry, warm and touching.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Peace to you all out there and may you have a warm and restful time..
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Even though I'm told to walk away.
How can one walk on by?
And to their loved one, love deny?
My heart's so full of love for you
It's never changed, it's always true.
Whenever we're together
Intensity of feeling - forever.
Lying next to you - so close
Electric feeling impulse, runs through my head to toes.
Atmosphere of magic, golden and bright
Never want to leave you, as I walk into the night..
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common therewith.
In particular, I had an interesting conversation with a musician guy who, like me, has also this year, untied the binds of a long term relationship. It was interesting and indeed, enlightening to share our thoughts about relatioship issues and the difficulties arising from being in 'unfulfilling' relationships. We both had to live with our partners for a while due to financial constraints, even though we weren't still 'in the relationship'.
Also, we both agreed that it can be a real pain, when only one person in a relationship, foots all of the responsibiltuies. We both agreed that we were glad to be out of our respective relationships. The worst for him though is, he plays with his ex in a band which is the source of his income and means that he has to see his ex on a 3 times a week basis, which he says, is a 'pain in the arse' because he'd rather not really have any contact now. My oh my, the complicated situations us humans carve out for ourselves at times, eh?
The music being played last night was good too. A miox of old soul, psychaedelia and 60s classics. Gave me a right urge to dance and have fun. Out of the drunkeness and fun, gave light to my group of friends wishes for New Year's Eve. It's been decided that we're going to hit a pub for a while, as it's free to get in and cheap to drink there. We may head to a private party for some time but we're also hoping to head on down to a Warehouse party after 2am for the rest of the celebrations. A good few of my close mates are going to be out with me so I'm really looking forward to spending the New Year with them.
This also means, that I'm going to be out for the first time in years, on a New Year's Eve, on a proper 'partying' level and I'm excited!
My ex is with my son on this night which means I have the whole day/night to please myself.
So folks here's to a wonderful Xmas out there and an exciting New Year 2007!
-This year's been one of the toughest of my life.
-Things that you believed and indeed hoped may happen, haven't and therefore, lead me to the conclusion, that I may've been in a weird state of delusion, all the way along.
-The realisation/perception that the person who you have unconditional love for, is still 'very much in love' with their ex. Words haven't told me this, but my instinct keeps leaning towards this feeling and I'm a firm believer in trusting your instinct. The only way I'll ever feel any different, is when this is proven otherwise.
- I have so much love in my heart for someone, that I don't know what to do with it at times.
- It's been difficult but necessary, to finally untie the binds of the 11 year chapter of my relationship. I'm glad there's been the minimalist of conflict throughout this.
-I've been at the lowest in moods, many times during this year and I'm not prepared to feel that depth of pain, again in my life.
-I've enjoyed writing poetry and would like to find the inspiration again at some point.
-My good heartedness, kindness and loving nature has been, at times, pushed to the limits.
- Head games are for the play ground.
- I'm feeling that my spirit is lifting and the world is opening up to me on a new and interesting level.
- That my children will be OK
- I always hope to be with my beloved but have to be realistic about this
- That I have just as many wonderful times with my friends
- That I find true, inner peace again
- That I will be respected and loved as I should be
- That world peace will be realised.
- That my life will be one of happiness and contentment in 2007
-That I'll begin to explore new things
- That New Year's Eve will be one of excitement and laughter
- That I share warm, beautiful times again.
- That the love in my heart will find peace and contentment
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Doesn't mean I'm - fake
All about self - preservation
Need some sort of - Solace
Searching for a kind of - peace
Only desire to be - Loved
Heart feels torn - apart
Only with you - together
To make simplifying decisions is tough but when you've come to these decisions, the world seems like a better, kinder and indeed easier place.
Simplification is good for the soul, it truly is.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Anyway, Wednesday it's off to the airport for me, Wednesday night is a meal out with some friends for a curry and exchanging of cards etc. Thursday I plan to visit my friend. Friday I'm hopefully off to a gig. Saturday I guess will be last minute stuff and Sunday, maybe the cinema with my son and baking ready for Xmas Eve night - all in time for waiting for Santa to turn up with his gifts!
I have so much love in my heart for one person that it's hard to imagine where this love can go. Therefore, a retreat, at this moment in time feels like the way forward; To find inner peace and contentment in life.
I used to feel that I had inner peace a while back but this year has been an extremely testing one...I actually would go as far to say that I've been a bit of a mess this year. Messy! Messy in my head, caused by having to deal with so much stress and change in my life. I know these things are put in our paths to test us but I do feel that I've had far too may testing times now and need solace.
So people, sorry to rant about these sort of things today but this is where my head and heart is today. Believe me, if I had no responsibilties in my life I'd seriously be off. I'd be packing my stuff and heading off to a place that feels more simplistic; a retreat, a commune, a monastery..anywhere that feels like a nurturing, loving, sharing environment. I feel like I want to be small again, be bathed by another, have my hair and body washed by another, be dried by another - you know - like when you're younger and your Mum waits for you with a warm towel, whilst you get out of the bath..
I can totally understand why people become addicted to heroin...this must be that sort of warmth and comfort that they are trying to recreate and experience again for themselves, maybe even trying to find a warmth that they've never experienced before in their life - especially if they've never had a family to speak of...if they've been in care for example.....
So, God, whoever you are, please bless these troubled souls and let them find peace in their hearts and souls and grant me a smoother ride in life next year..
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I managed to buy other necessities and weighed my bike down that much, I was unable to leave it outside a second hand shop, to pick up a really lovely bowl I'd seen. I asked people to look after it for me, to which they obliged. How kind!
One of my main observations today is how 'happy' and 'friendly' people seem to be...In the supermarket, an elderly couple chatted to me about the bargain that a reduced bottle of Rioja was. I agreed. Another older man, commented on putting so much brandy in a wine glass that I was buying.
People seem happy! What's going on? English folk are often bloody miserable when they shop! So, today, this air of happiness and contentment has left me feeling positively at peace with the world. Tonight I'm off to a Playhouse Set designer's party in an old workshop in Radford. Always a great party, always fun. Always lots of alcohol and dancing.
I'll fill you in with Party observations later! Peace and happiness be with you sweet people!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Anyway here's a scary rundown of stuff that needs doing and one of them is worrying me massively, cos it can be a potential killer!Arghh eeek!
- Pigeons are apparently nesting in their loft and have been spotted in their bathroom! What the fuck? Apparently they can be the carrier of a pretty deadly disease that attacks all of your immune system and can prove fatal! This has worried me as they're probably in my loft..
- Their chimney stack which is part of mine too is coming away and could crash down at any minute! eek!
- Their gutter is almost falling doen onto a shared entry way which myself and my children use regularly.
- They have a drainpipe, which is made of asbestos and is leaking...
I feel worried about these things quite a bit especially the stuff to do with pigeons as I've heard noises in my loft for quite a while.
To look at my neighbours you wouldn't think they lived in such a 'shit hole'. Middle class professionals working for local authority and private business. I've therefore decided to write them a letter and talk to them about this as it's pretty worrying really...Let's hope there's no confrontation
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
One track I'm particularly loving right now is called 'Cruel' by the American collective Calexico. Depending on how you want to interpret their lyrics, they're actually making a point about environmental corruption. One thing I love about this collective of musicians is their environmental and social conscience. Thank God there's still musicians around who do have a conscience rather than worrying about their image or how famous they're becoming.
Anyway here's the lyrics I'm really liking, if not reminding us about what's happening in the world on an environmental level....
Leak truths never found
Whisper from the grave
A slow spun song of distortion
Bitter, bitter mouth
Spitin' out seeds of doubt
Rituals seek root
Razed before they're told
Stories break like branches in the cold
Seasons trial finds man's mistakes fair game
Lay and law of the land
Falls by the side
Silenced sentient cries
All within the lines of divine right
Better bury the tracks in an unclosed case
Weeds of discontent choke a broken ghost landscape
Cruel, heartless reign
Chasing short term gains
Right down to the warning signs
Birds refuse to fly
No longer trust the sky
Drifting out beyond the signals
Even the horizon is gone
Weather flees underground
I've also had such a wonderful day with some ex offenders in a probation hostel. As a wind- down for Xmas, we prepared a buffet and played a music quiz and then a karaoke battle game. How much fun was this? I'm telling you, I was in tears, as were most of the students who joined in, when the singing was put on playback for all and sundry to listen to! How lovely and rewarding to see these guys laughing and really having so much fun!
I sang to Atomic by Blondie - Bloody hard work that one.. Material Girl by Madonna - not too bad. Perfect by Fairground Attraction - bit too mellow for my liking, attempted Ice, Ice Baby by Ice T! Fucking hilarious and shite at that one...rapping is damned hard work!
My score was pretty good and apparently I have 'professional singer status! This score is ridiculous, I can tell you!
So today, music has brought so much joy and laughter to the souls and hearts of myself and many others'.
Why the hell did he have to go and put a gun to his head so early on his life? He was such a gift to music, emotion, lamguage and more 'political' causes too; A believer and supporter of women's rights and actively rejecting the values of certain bands, in their use of 'glorifying sexual violence against women.
I wonder what he'd be like today if he was still walking the planet? I wonder how his music would have developed? I wonder whether he'd have still been in love with Courtney?
I love what he did for music back in the 90s and I love the journey of melancholy and excitement that he rediscovers in me, each time I listen to Nirvana..
I've been taken back today to some very happy memories of September 1992..hanging out with my dearest friend Jeni and feeling like life was much more 'innocent'. Happy times they certainly were, even though Kurt's lyrics at times, were somewhat gloomy!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Me and a good friend Julie, were being really silly last night before hitting the pub, taking photos and then manipulating them to see what they turn out like. Here's one of me which my friend Julie describes as 'Classic'...God knows why!
God, photo manipulation can be so much fun at times...
Anyway, I'm gonna take it easy over Xmas. It'll be a strange one in many ways, what with my son being away, my Mum not being here and youngest son's father doing his own thing. Blimey, families can become so complicated at times.It's weird to think how things have changed so much in a year but I do feel so positive about my life right now and one things for sure, the decisions that I've worked towards this year, have been the right ones. I'm so pleased that my soul finally feels at peace in many ways. Decisions and getting there are always difficult to do but when they've been accomplished and when they're right, it's a feeling that does leave you feeling at peace with yourself and in your life.
Although I'm gonna try my hardest to wind down, I also have quite a few parties to go to. I have an annual Playhouse Party to go to, which is always a good night;held by the people who design the sets, in their workshop/warehouse and converted into a 'big ' party for a night. These parties tend to go on until 6am and beyond so I'm gonna try and get plenty of rest before I embark on a night of fun!
I'm also contemplating what to do for New Year. It'll be the first year that I have 'free' and so, I'm thinking long and hard about how I want to spend this night.
I'm also hoping to possibly head away for a few days over Xmas and do some walking. It'll be good to get outdoors and feel vast, open spaces after being couped up in the house and I'm sure a well needed wind down.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I felt rather tired on waking and looked around my messy bedroom. It's so messy! I keep on reminding myself that I need to clean it. It didn't happen.
Instead, I lay in bed until 12.30pm and went about my lazy Sunday business, chilling, listening to music, tidying downstairs somewhat.
Sunday late afternoon, a friend nipped to see me and invited me to see a 'folky' type gig in a local pub. I ummed and ahhed for a while, as I felt a little hungover but then thought to myself, why not?
So, I met my friend in the pub and sat and listened to a pretty cool and ambienty folk band consisting of Acoustic guitar, Mandolin, Bass Guitar, keyboard, Saxophone, Lead Guitar and female/male harmony vocals. The sound of sax really added something special to this music...although my friend and I concluded that 'tom tom' drums would have added a little more specialness and rhythm to the music.
I drank quite a few glasses of Baileys and felt like I was winding up towards a chilled Xmas.
We left the pub and I said my farewells to my friend and cycled home whilst the wind blew through my hair and refreshed my warm, glowing, contented skin.
What a delightful weekend..
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Anyway, from now on, I need to start enjoying my life on a new level and enjoy what it throws in my direction. I need to spread my wings in some respects and think more about my inner needs and enjoyment, in fact watching a programme on TV last night called 'Healing Plants' reminded me about my love for herbalism. I hope to reignite my love and passion for reading about herbalism. I have a good knowledge 0f herbs and their healing properies already so it'd be good to compliment my already gained knowledge. I haven't made a herbal tincture in years but this programme last night, gave me a wee bit of inspiration to revisit this old passion of mine.
Tonight? I'm off to see some gigs in aid of Women's Aid - all worthy causes. It'll be good to see some friends and to listen to a female punk band I've wanted to see for quite a while. Here's to strength and life...
Friday, December 08, 2006
The trouble is, when you have so much love in your heart for someone, how do you stop this? Is it possible to stop this? Is it wise to stop wishing?
Last night, I made a fool of myself. I was antagonistic, angry, challenging and emotional as hell. I knew visiting my loved one, was a mistake so soon. But the trouble is, when you're so in love with someone, you just want to see them. The excitement mounts and the anticipation aches; This was me last night, prior to visiting my beloved.
After my changeable, emotional outbursts at my loved one, I returned home and sobbed for hours. I then fell into a deep sleep.
I dreamed about my beloved. I dreamed I was lying next to him, our hands met each others and clasped together. A heat so intense was generated through our palms. I felt at one, I felt happy and sure.
I woke up this morning to realise that this had all been a dream. I honestly thought it was real.
I sobbed again and laid in my bed, drifting in and out of sleepworld, until 3pm today..
I wish I could sleep for a month and forget my troubles and wake up to a world that feels a little kinder and a little more loving...I wish my beloved loved me, as strong as I love him.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I then went to see 'he whom I love' and had a beautiful, special time with him. T'was lovely to see him although I was rather drunk and he was sober, I sense I was being a little lairy, cheeky, silly and all of the things that alcohol, cause the brain to ridiculously do!
Saturday, I chilled right out, as I was a little hungover and tired from the night's shenaningans. I decided to get a curry Saturday night and get an early night, hitting my bed at 11pm. This was just what the body needed...Later on I received a suprise phone call from above person asking me to go and see him at 3.30am. No, was my reply at first but that soon became yes!
God, I'm such a hedonist and fun lover at times! (I have been called incourageable in the past - this label seems to still stick on some level I think)
At the end of the day though, philosophical head kicking in here, as humans, we do have to 'go with what we feel there and then' and enjoy these times.
I sure as hell had one great night and had a cheeky smile and grin Sunday early morning! Impulsivity and spontaneity are still pretty exciting in my opinion.
Sunday day, the less said the better; Long story and one I that I frankly, don't want to go into.
Today, I'm feeling pretty good.. I feel life is turning around for me in many ways. I relish being in my house at night time now, getting all cosy with my cushions, candles burning, fire flaming and listening to music. I love it! I feel so free and content. OK there are bad days here and there but the best way to alleviate those, is to simplify life, in my honest opinion; not getting hung up, not panicking, loving those people who bring joy and laughter and love to my life, taking each day as it is and basically, enjoying each moment for what it is and what it brings.
I still look to the future and have many wishes but I do feel that now my living situation is a lot simpler and freer, I don't have such an urge to look too much into the future because I'm enjoying the present greatly, if that makes sense?
Happy week ahead people..
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Spending time with a loved one
Discussions into the early hours
Being physical, tactile and admiring such beauty, in a face
Feeling the warmth of naked skin and relishing smell
Listening to music and music being played
Getting stoned at the weekend
Watching good films
Eating curry - Hmmm this I may do tonight. I have CURRY URGE
Drinking Vodka and Coke and (black Russians when feeling decadent) and red wine
Eating fresh bread and continental cheeses especially Jarlsberg, Leerdamer, Brie, Gruyere and Camembert
Reading the Saturday Paper
Looking at nature and its beauty; totally overcomes me
Gardening when I have my 'gardening' head on
Reading books that are worthy of my time and patience
Getting excited about Midwinter and Xmas
Daydreaming and replaying my own special 'memories' in my head
Walking in nature
Cartman from South Park
Crying, for the releasing of emotion
To love things, is a joy to life itself.
And, as one of my favourite 80s musicians Matt Johnson superbly sings...
"Love, love, love is stronger than death"
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I remember 2 dreams from last night. Dream 1, I was going to be forced to have my hair shaved off but I was getting really worried about it because I love my hair so much. I was panicking in my dream about waiting for my turn. I was trying to find ways off getting out of having my head shaved! God only knows what the hell this dream represents.
Dream 2 was amazing. I'd gone to India to work as an English teacher. When I arrived there, I was invited to the previous teacher's leaving party, which happened to be a good friend of mine in real life, called Liza. We got drunk on red wine and then decided to go for a tour of the town im her open top car. I kept telling her to turn the head lights on, as it was really dark but she declined to, saying that it was safer to leave them off! I was sorta gripping my seat worried about whether we'd arrive to our destination safely!
We arrived at the River Ganges, which in the dream was beautiful. She took me to a place that was like a sort of 'Bohemian area'. It was really cool, with a great vibe happening.The next thing I know, we're walking down some really narrow streets, with beautifully painted and mosaic tiled, buildings. The streets were full of motorbikes and bicyles all lined up, so much so, that we couldn't get passed them to reach our next destination. I wish I could draw these gorgeous buildings from my dream because they were so bright, beautiful and colourful!
The next thing I know, I'm back at the River Ganges and admiring the river. The end!
Phew, my mind is one overactive little machine at night time. I love it!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
A voice from nowhere. Surprise.
She turned to see a rather shy but smiling face, comment on her dancing. "A good dancer".
She took these words as truthful and as a kind and thoughtful , observational compliment. Why would anyone want to lie about such a subject as dancing?
The offer of a drink was accepted. She drank Vodka; he drank Red Stripe.
Dancing? Her mind wondered off to think about her dancing. A.N Other had always laughed at her dancing. Laughed? He thought she was a 'funny' dancer. How could two people think so differently about the same person? What a undesirable way to describe the way a lover moves their body to music..had she always been so undesireable to A.N Other? She feared that maybe she had, in many respects, hence her desire and yearning for attention and love.
She rewinded her thoughts to the continual, lonely nights she had spent whilst living with A.N Other. No woman alive deserved to feel that sort of rejection and loneliness. No-one. 5 years she reckoned of feeling empty and lonely. 5 years! What a waste of precious time.
She thought about the mystery of chemistry and attraction. Chemistry was certainly a mystery and mainly, she felt, was confined to love. Chemistry had never been 100% with A.N Other. A.N Other was thoughtful and caring but lacked an emotional depth, that she hoped would surface with time. Sadly, this never happened.
The psyche's squatter? Who was this person? She was so taken aback by the beauty in the psyche squatter's face; Shapely, full, yet beautifully sculptured lips. Lips that were artistically perfected. Lips she felt, would be so sensual and yet cushion soft to kiss. Eyes that showed depth. Depth that seemed to be confined to a mysterious yet stormy, troubled ocean. She couldn't, at that moment in time, focus on the colour of the psyche squatter's eyes, their depth seemed to hide their 'true colour'. In later time, she discovered the blueness of these depth pools. A nose that was soft and small. Unlike her own nose, the psyche squatter's nose was also perfectly formed. Forehead? The psyches squatter had already bore frown lines, although he was still fairly young.
Lines on foreheads? She loved lines of foreheads. To her, it meant 'depth' and 'thought'. Lines of worry, angst, thought, philosophising. Lines were considered extremely sexy and attractive to her. The psyche's squatter, she started to realise in a short time of observing his face, was to her, extremely handsome and someone she instantly felt a 'physical' attraction to.
Wondering out into the fresh air, she first kissed the psyche's squatter, under a metal stairway. The first kiss of those soft cushiony lips made her feel overcome with passion and warmth. The second kiss, on a stairway, in darkness, reawoke her senses in a way that hadn't been awoken for years. The reciprocal yearning seemed to be magnetic, electric, heavenly charged. She felt like a volt of energy had energised her soul and relit her ashen fire, back to life. She was alive again....the journey had begun..
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Not to touch your beautiful body.
A feeling so truly divine
To feel your legs, wrapped around mine.
A spark so intense
To savour your lips on mine.
A heat so passionate and true
Burns, when my heart lies close to you.
An impossibilty to deny
A love that sends me so high.
Once at the cemetery, it was actually really relaxing to sit there, all alone, with no distractions and no speech but silence. I felt like I could've been in the middle of the countryside, it was just so peaceful. The trees' branches, mainly evergreens, Yews, blew softly in the wind and the sky was beautifully clear, with a hint of sunshine peering. I knelt at my Mum's graveside and shared my thoughts with her. I also shared my hopes and wishes.
The visit to her grave and my grieving did me the world of good and reminded me about how much we should enjoy life but that we should appreciate those who we love dearly.
I can honestly say, that I've never loved anyone quite so much as my beloved friend. Even a friend today commented to me, that the love I have for this person, is a lot stronger than any of my ex partners. I agreed.
I am also glad that I have this love, it doesn't threaten me, it feels simple in many ways but complex in others. I know that even if we never end up together, as is looking to be the case, he's showed something to me that has been so important. He's shown me a deep, emotional passion and sharing of minds that I've never experienced in my life. This is difficult to explain but it's to do with how people connect with each other on an intimate, emotional, spiritual and physical level. I know I was meant to meet him for whatever reason but one thing's for sure, I'm so glad that he came to me when he did, even though there's been sorrow and pain at times, I sort of understand why this has been the case. I've learned quite a lot about him too as a man and a person in his own right, which has been extremely good for me. So, all in all, I thank whoever it may be out there, for enabling the tracing of paths to those really special people, with whom we find the most beautifullest of connections with.
Have a peaceful Sunday out there.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
One of the dreams involved myself, him and his ex, who I've never met. The other was a replay almost, of the night I shared with him! Bizzarre.
I love dreaming, I love the way the mind is able to play 'film like' images in your head, whilst you sleep. The power of the mind is just amazing! Hopefully, more nice dreams to come for me....
All I remember feeling, when I saw my Mum lying in her bed at peace, was complete disbelief, I kept saying her name, waiting for a response from her, until my sister gently came over to me and hugged me. I knew then that my Mum had passed.
It was all so surreal in many ways and 'out of reality'. My final resting memory of her, is a peaceful and happy one;I couldn't believe how much she resembled herself as a child. I'd seen photos of her when she was small and her face almost replicated the one in the childhood photos. She was at peace and at complete rest.
I really think death is a time that we should have more involvelment with because it really is a 'part of the process' of life. Therefore, to take death and dying from the home and into 'hospital' surroundings, makes death more controlled and clinical. I think other cultures have got it right with regards to death. The Mexicans celebrate it, ancient cultures saw it as moving on to 'other worlds'.
I'm thankful that my Mum passed away at home, in the comfort of her bed. I'm thankful that my Mum was such a good mother to me and taught me the values that I have today. My mum always saw the 'good' in people. She always felt people should be treated fairly.
I miss the times, as a teenager, that I used to sit up late at night, talking about all different things with my Mum. I know my Mum was always a little fearful that I was 'too sensitive' at times. But at the end of the day, this was my personality and I'm glad to be of a sensitive nature. It also makes me sensitive to those around me to the point whereby I can often 'sense' their pain and unhappiness.
Therefore, I want to thank but remember my Mum this weekend, for giving me life and being the listening ear and loving, understanding person she was.
So today, I'm off to the cemetry later on with a few pots of fresh Heather and some fresh flowers. My Mum loved the plant Heather because it could be so colourful, at this dark time of the year. I also want a plant that will endure the cold, winter months and Heather is perfect for this, it's a beautiful, hardy little plant.I also love the fact that it grows high up on the hills. I love the Heather that grows around the peak area, high up on the Grindsbrook area of Edale. Beautiful, delicate and bright purple.
Janet Patricia 27th November 2005
Your memory and soul lives on in the heart and soul of all who loved you.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I'm so glad that our paths crossed when they did and that we are still able to share the most lovely, special times together.
I'll cherish him forever more.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
These students have been such a pleasure to teach, they've been inquisitive, humorous, critical, communicative, thoughtful, understanding, etc etc. Today was their last day with me. I actually felt rather choked up to be saying goodbye to these two men. I'm unaware of their crimes but I know one had been in prison for a long time, which may well mean schedule 1, or violent offences.
Films worked really well with these students and was a great way to introduce 'sensitive' subjects such as mental health, violence, drugs, racism, sexism. The discussions that were born through the watching of films were absolutely excellent and compassionate. So, when people are quick to judge those who commit crimes, deep down, I feel that most people have a sense of compassion and empathy.
These two guys certainly showed a great deal of empathy. One of the students in particular, whilst watchimg a film, was trying hard to hold back the tears. This really touched me and for some reason, always does. To see a man cry, or show emotion in this way, always gets to me and moves me; when I was a child and saw my Mum cry, that used to really get to me too.
I know it sounds odd in some respects because we are all capable of crying, but for some reason when men and parents cry, I want to cry with them.
Anyway, these guys especially loved 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest' and 'Cry Freedom'. These films really did spark up some interesting debates, so much so, that I urged one of them to go and study Sociology. He laughed when I sugggested this but deep down, I feel he was proud that someone had actually believed he could study further and took the college prospectus away with him.
So today for me was a rather sad one, although for them, a bright, new beginning in the wide world. I wish them both the best of luck and I really hope that they will fulfill their wishes, now that they're 'free men'.
Monday, November 20, 2006
I should've stopped myself. I should've ignored them.
I'm ashamed of myself and my behaviour.
The reason I feel like this is because deep down I'm really, really sad. The thing I want and love, I can't have and it's just horrible to feel like this.
I've also been treated pretty diabollically really too, which hasn't helped me and my emotions; when people give you a little hope, the light shines but when they take this hope away, darkness is all encompassing.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I fell asleep for a small while having one of the most 'bizarrest' dreams whereby I decided to shave my hair really short!! Madness! The last time I had a shaved head was in the 80s and that was mainly the back and sides of my head. My Mum would never let me go the 'whole hog' of a shaved head! Anyway, in the dream, the shaved head was great and so easy to maintain! I loved feeling my head to in the dream, because I love the feel of shaved heads!
Anyway, I still feel poorly and need bed so I at least I've done something constructive whilst feeling unwell. My mind has also wandered off though, into the memories of my Mother who passed over nearly a year ago, November 27th 2005. One week today. I can't believe a year has nearly passed of not seeing her.
Goodnight people and sleep tight.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I also watched Brokeback Mountain. I thought it was a good expression of how people who love someone from the same sex had and still do, difficulties regarding the sexualty and acceping it. I was also touched by the love the two characters had for each other, but it saddned me that they had to 'pretend' in their daily life, hence me changing my own life situation cos there's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone, who deep down, you know that the love has died.
I feel so free in many ways and this feel of freedon is giving me a real sense of clarity and strength. I'm off out tonight to a party which I know will be good fun.
I also feel that I have a little more clarity about the person I love. If they do ever want to be with me, I know this will happen when they're ready. In the meantime, I plan to start enjoying my life and my times out with friends and let fate, whatever that may be, work its magical ways.
Friday, November 17, 2006
I'm sat in my bedroom after just going shopping for some bits for the weekend. Iwas supposed to be going out for a curry tonight but I've decided to stay in because I have a bit of a cold and want to feel better for tomorrow as a friend is celebrating her birthday in a bar in Nottingham, which I really want to show my appearance at because although she's not a freind I see very often, I have a lot of love for her; she's kind, caring, understanding, fun and a genuine person.
I've decided therefore to stay in and watch a dvd and maybe order a take away.
Anyway, whilst shopping, I stood at the check out to pay for my food, when I heard the cashier repeat the amount to pay. I was totally in a dream world.
My daydreaming had took me back to a feeling I have when I'm intimate with the person I love; lying in his arms, listening to music on his bed and feeling a warmth inside, with a feel of breathlessness when he kissed me. I remember one time in June we laid right at the edge of the bed, in each others arms and listened to some really beautiful music - The Flaming Lips. What an apt name for a band at that moment in time. I remember feeling such love and warmth from him, it made me want to hold him forever and never let go. I was all ancompassed by such a strong feeling.
These memories are pure, beautiful heaven for me. They still make my stomach churn, I become breathless and extremely warm, when just thinking about these.
My oh my, nature and energy really do have a strong force at times.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
As you walk into my space,
Set my heart on fire,
My pulse speedily raced.
Watching your eyes wonder,
Drink- in my abode,
Warmth and inspired feeling,
To me that night, you showed.
Wait for you, so nervous,
Butterflies of love.
Stomach and heart a flutter
Tickling wings above.
Beautiful presence in mine
Heady, my soul did shine
Wishing presence will return
Passion inside me burns.
The film's called 'Candy' and is about a drug addict who falls in love with a woman. The story focusses around their chaotic but passionate times together, that eventually lead down an ever winding path of destruction. I look forward to viewing this.
Instead, I've been listeining to some tracks from the new CD by William Orbit- 'Hello Waveforms'. I'm a big fan of his music because his sounds really do take me on an emotional and enlightening journey. They invoke feelings of contemplation, sadness, energy, dreams and wonder.
Get listening if you'd like some deep feelings to be invoked.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I like holding him and I love being affectionate and playful with him. I think this is why I'm feeling sad. I know he doesn't want me to feel bad or sad but I just can't help feeling like this. It's difficult too when you feel like you've met someone that you have an 'emotional connection' to. Sometimes I think to myself..Am I deluded? Other times, after and when I'm in his company, I know I'm not because the air and presence feels really quite 'magical'. Maybe I'm far too much of a dreamer and drift off a bit too much. However, when someone's on your mind and in your heart so much, that tells me something important.
Anyway, I know I need to get a grip and I'm really trying to as best as I can.
Thanks people for being patient and even reading my depressing rambles at times.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Therefore my thought for this week comes from a quote by William Blake; what a genius, visionary and romantic. His writing is still important today and therefore I've chosen one of my favourite quotes from him
The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity... and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself.
Monday, November 13, 2006
I'm very tempted to go in all honesty. I think I need to break free from my mindset in Nottingham. There's too many memories for me here and I do feel like I need to wipe the slate clean and start anew.New beginnings are always good. I need to keep telling myself that my love isn't interested in me, on the level that I'd like because frankly, I'm totally delusional and therefore, there's no point really of staying in Nottingham.
I so want to be near the Peaks but I have a dilemma with my son's father and my eldest son's schooling. These factors really need to be taken into account of. I've been invited to the see the college and may well head up in the next few weeks to get some feel for the place and decide on whether I really want to make this change in my life.
My oh my, this year has been one of change. So much change.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
I started to read this book many years ago but never finished it off because I was too preoccupied with other stuff. So, I've taken the plunge to start and read this book once again. I'm actually really fascinated by the story, as it's about the authors life, beliefs and desires and seemingly, pretty risque when it was wrote. I'm looking forward to burying my head once again in the 1870s...
"Venus in Furs (first published in 1870 under the title Venus im Pelz in German) is possibly the best known of its author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's works. The novel was part of an epic series which Sacher-Masoch envisioned which he called “The Heritage of Cain,” which was to have six parts, which was to contain 6 stories each on the subjects of: Love, Property, The State, War, Work, and Death. “Venus in Furs” was part of Love, which contained five additional stories.
The novel draws themes and character inspiration heavily from Sacher-Masoch’s own life. Wanda von Dunajew (the woman in which the novel centralizes around) was named after Fanny Pistor who was an emerging literary writer. The two met when Pistor contacted Sacher-Masoch, under the fictitious title of a noble Baroness Bogdanoff for suggestions on improvement of her works, to make them suitable for publication. Inventing such a title for herself is telling of the fanciful aspect of her character that would make possible the charming and outrageous nature of their love affair.
On December 8, 1869 Leopold and Fanny signed a contract making Leopold von Sacher-Masoch the slave of Fanny Pistor Bogdanoff for the period of six months, with the stipulation, doubtlessly at Sacher-Masoch’s suggestion, that the Baroness wear furs as often as possible, especially when she was in a cruel mood. Sacher-Masoch was given the alias of “Gregor,” and fitted out in disguise as the servant of the Baroness. The two traveled by train to Italy. As in the novel, he traveled in the third class compartment, while she had a seat in first class, arriving in Venice (Florence, in the novel), where they were not known, and would not arouse suspicion.
Sacher-Masoch's fantasies and fetishes, were attempted his fantasies with all his mistresses and wives. After his love-affair with Fanny Pistor, Sacher-Masoch married his first wife, Aurora Rümelin, and pressured her into living out the experience of his book "Venus in Furs", against her preferences. This marriage was an utter failure and he soon got a divorce and married his assistant. In his late 50s, his mental health began to deteriorate and he spent the last years of his life in a pyschiatric asylum. According to official reports, he died in Lindheim, Germany in 1895; however some claim that he actually died in an asylum in Mannheim in 1905."
"The concerns in my practice revolve around the displacement of Indian culture to the UK and how this goes about shaping my identity as a British Indian.Identity confusion in second generation immigrants comes from the fact that we have never experienced our parents’ ‘home land’ culture in the totality of its original context. Specifically in my case I was born and raised in England, not India. And although I lead a largely western lifestyle, I still feel rooted within certain Indian ideals. The question is, to what extent?"
Henna as a medium, is quite difficult but beautiful to work with. I used to spend ages decorating my own hand and arm, with henna. It has one of the most 'earthy' smells I've ever come across. In teaching sessions too, I've often used Mendhi art as a vehicle to motivate people successfully.
I urge anyone who has an interest in body art, to visit this exhibition and find yourself en-tranced by this wonderful artist's work.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Music? Such a sacred gift to have in our life. The musical gift today has been sent by Calexico and the Feast of Fire album. One of my favourite tracks on this album is called 'Not Even Stevie Nicks'
Not Even Stevie Nicks
With a head like a vulture and heart full of hornets
Today though, I've been reading some Dalai Llama writings and thought I'd share these with you. If all humans aspired to live their lives in this way, I feel the world would be free of suffering.
(1) the noble truth that life involves suffering
(2) the noble truth that suffering arises from craving
(3) the noble truth that suffering ends with the removal of craving
(4) the noble truth that there is a way to the end of suffering.
May We Appreciate and RememberToday
may we appreciate this food and remember those who are hungry.
May we appreciate our family and friends and remember those who are alone.
May we appreciate our health and remember those who are sick.
May we appreciate the freedoms we have and remember those who suffer injustice and tyranny.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source
“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”
Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.A.N Other had become 'another' to her. Vacant.
The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life.
She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.
Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing
1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of. Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.
To be continued....
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Anyway, after he'd gone I sat contemplating everything and tears welled up in my eyes and dropped onto my cheeks and an envelope, that laid on the table.
I decided after this emotional outburst, to take myself out for a while on a bike ride. It was wonderful to feel the cold air on my skin and smell the frosty, winter air. I also noticed that the moon is half full and waning, on this clear night. It put things a little into perspective for me. I really wished that things could be different. I know they can't but I so wish they could. I've waited so long to be alone and properly available to share good times and now that I'm available, my love isn't wanted. It's a weird old world really because the things that you feel may been in your grasp, often move further and further away from it.
Winter, its coldness and darkness will give me the much needed time to reflect on many things and hopefully will put a lot of things to rest.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I've always wanted to be with a person who can't be with me, for whatever; I love him unconditionally but I now realise that 20 months is a long time to wait for a person who doesn't want to be with me. In this time also, my Mother has died and I finally, have managed to untie the leash of a long term dead relationship, after years of feeling a great sense of emotional dissatisfaction.
I always, in my hearts of hearts, felt I would eventually be with the person, whom I feel an unconditional love for. I guess this is never going to happen. I guess I've been far too stuck in a dream world of delusional thoughts and wishing something more would materialise with this beloved.
Sadly, I'm now trying to face the reality of cutting off my emotions. I find this hard to do, when I have so much love for the person. I know through history, lovers have felt this pain and woe but it's just so tragically upsetting, especially when 'the beloved' has been in your thoughts since you met them; You've shared warm times with them, you feel connected to them, you feel a real sense of 'love' from them, you love being with them and you hate being away from them and you feel special when you're with them. All of these feelings are really hard to just cut off for me but I know I have to try my best to do this. I know a flame in me, will feel like it's dying but I hope someday, a flame will be reignited again.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I can't be arsed with anything or anyone.
I'm sick of people messing my head around...hiding snippets of information from me, that actually, are really important for me to know. I'm sick of being seen as second besat and unworthy.. I give up from now on, I really do.
I want peace now. I need peace. I need to build my strength, my soul and my heart.
Monday, November 06, 2006
1. Emotional and able to understand and express feelings
2. Music lover and creative
3. Reader and poetry lover
4. Philosophiser of life - Buddhist/Existentialist traits
5. Recreational pot smoker and red wine/Vodka drinker and at Xmas, Tia Maria has been known to pass my ruby lips
6. Passionate in and out of the sack
7. Romantic but not always able to verbalise romantic thoughts 'in the moment' but they are there. I think I may have slight learning difficulties with this area of my brain, hence the feeling of wanting to kick oneself at times
8. Occasional mood swings, especially around the time of menstruation
9. Doesn't want kids ever again, unless truly 'in love', safe and feel protected and cared for
10. Lover nature - get out of ya cars you polluting bastards!
11. Lover of films - the more art house and obscure, the better. Although I have been known to watch 'Home Alone' and laugh at least twice, especially when Macauly sets all of the traps up.I like his tactics.
12. Understands the need for a woman to yell out loud , at times.
13. A blank, vacant expression, at certain times in the month in no way means, that I'm disinterested.
14. Dreams and a dreamer
15. Spontaneous and impulsive
17. Love food and don't give a shit about fatty foods, bring it on you 'diet whores.'
18. Ranter and aggressive at times of injustice
19. Writer of deep thoughts and emotions
21. Believer in honesty and openess
22. A craver of love and affection; known to be classed as 'needy' from the opposite sex.(Hmm I'd query that one with the few - mainly one man, who belives this, they have the emotional blockage I'd argue here and are unable to reach a deeper level of emotional attachment. I like loving and hugging and die without bodily warmth, emotion and connection. Believe me, I'd been emotionally dead for about 5 years, up until about 18 months ago)
God, that's one hell of a list. Solitary life becomes me and my sad cocoon.
The Red Telephone
Sitting on a hillside
Watching all the people die
I'll feel much better on the other side
I'll thumb a ride
I believe in magic
Why, because it is so quick
I don't need power when I'm hypnotized
Look in my eyes
What are you seeing (I see...)
How do you feel?
I feel real phony when my name is Phil
Or was that Bill?
Life goes on here
Day after day
I don't know if I am living or if I'm
Supposed to be
Sometimes my life is so eerie
And if you think I'm happy
Paint me (white)
I've been here once
I've been here twice
I don't know if the third's the fourth or if the -
The fifth's to fix
Sometimes I deal with numbers
And if you wanna count me
Count me out
I don't need the time of day
Anytime with me's OK
I just don't want you using up my time
'Cause that's not right
They're locking them up today
They're throwing away the key
I wonder who it'll be tomorrow, you or me?
We're all normal and we want our freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom
But this isn't the 'real' me. I'm an open, loving person. All I've ever offered to the people who matter in my life, is love. It seems that love is sometimes the wrong thing to offer. I'm so stupid and ridiculous at times.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
The love I feel is so large and mighty, it's tears me apart at times. It's all of my fault too, thinking that I'm strong and able to cope with small snippets of love and affection.
All I want is to share many times with this person, give my love to this person, plan with this person, make this person happy, spend time doing things together, all the things that you do when you're 'in love' with a person. I miss this person so much after I've spent time with him, so much so, that I have a constant ache in my heart. I've never had such depth of feeling for another; My first 'serious' lover comes close but nothing as deep as this.
God, why do I love so very much?
I suppose, as beautiful Sinead hauntingly sings
"I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? He said girl you better try to have fun No matter what you'll do but he's a fool`Cause nothing compares, Nothing compares to you"
Maybe this may be the tonic I need for tonight. Maybe not.
Friday, November 03, 2006
I visited heaven again last night. This sort of heaven I never want to end. I love heaven and all that it brings. I wish it were infinite. I wish time would stand still or time could reverse. If I could reverse time, say press a button or some such, I'd go back again to all of the lovely times spent in blissful heaven.
Heaven has a strange effect on me when I've been in this special place; I yearn, I daydream, I fantasise, I smile to myself, I long, I visualise, I replay, I glow, I desire and most of all, I feel a huge sense of warmth and love.
Heaven is truly a magical, beautiful place, but heaven is too short lived for me and the love that burns inside of me.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
It was just horrible and my arm is really hurting today, so fuck knows whether I've been bashing my arm around, whilst sleeping! Ooo I hate those sort of dreams, you know, the ones that make you almost cry when you wake up....Thank God for reality today!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
The one thing that I've wanted in my life for the past 18 months, doesn't ever seem like it's going to be realised; he's made it quite clear to me that all I am is a friend and no more. He's made it clear that he's interested in other people and not me on a relationship level. This saddens me and hurts me so very much but I realise that I have to stop living in a fantasy world and if other opportunities come along then I need to take them. I'm getting no younger in life and therefore want to grab life by the bollocks and enjoy what's out there for me.
So I'm gonna think long and hard over this one but one things for sure, I can't keep on hoping, fantasing and preying for what I want, as these actions seem to get me nowhere in all honesty..especially when I want to share so much with this person.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
However, Another touching moment occurred today in the form of a message from a DJ that I saw live on Saturday and who I'd commented about how much I liked his music on his Myspace page. The sweet guy insisted on sending me a free CD of his music. How great is that? I'm touched and warmed by these sort of actions, kindness and goodness. I can't wait to get listening to his music; Funnily enough, he's a big fan of Way Out West too, one of my all time favourite musicians/DJs.
So, have a peaceful Samhain out there people. I hope the passing spirits are rewarded well..I'm thinking about my Mum right now too, who departed from this world nearly a year ago now and can't help but wonder where her soul may be right now. I'm also thinking about the one I love and I miss him.
I'm also thinking and contemplating the last year of my life, as this time of year tends to make me do this. Samhain ritual does lead one to think and reflect about events/happenings over the past year...
Now? I only want happiness, love, passion and kindness in my life. (OK random sadness here and there is part of life) but this year, since my Mum passed, has been turbulent on the emotions. At least now I know I'm coping better albeit with a few off days and I'm a little stronger with the help, love and support from those around me, who show compassion, understanding and kindness to me.
A reflective Samhain to you all on this peaceful eve.
Monday, October 30, 2006
For any people out there who get off on being an arsehole, I suggest you go and read some Buddhist Philosophy for some enlightenment and as a way to live your life. I love someone deeply, hence me never wanting to cause him distress even though he may've not been the sweetest of people at times, but I accept that he will have a bad conscience for actions that may have been hurtful. And, I know he has a conscience; he is a sweet, beautiful person underneath the outer shell, who I've always been so happy to be around and share lovely times with.
So, if anyone you encounter in the nest few days is horrible I suggest you smile at them and go and tell them to become a little more enlightened.