Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friend 1 and partner were all set to be out tonight and then she informs that they're worried about the cost of the taxi. I inform them they can stay here and we can all share a taxi, hence lowering the cost - Umming and ahhing about whether or not they'll be coming out. It is New Years, I remind them and my first one out at that for years! This statement seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Friend 2, I have alot more sympathy with and can actually understand her reasons for not coming out.
What is it about New Year's Eve? People really get 'het' up about the strangest of things. Why don't they just enjoy the moment for what it is? For me, I'm rather excited as this is the first New Years that I've been out on with friends, hence my excitement about being around my friends, which funnily enough has started to dwindle a little....
Saying that, I'd much rather be out with mates than stuck in, as in times past with two of my ex's. I have crap memories of many New Year's Eve arguments, drunkeness, aggression, anger and in a few instances violence, caused through alcohol. New Year's Eve really seems to bring out the anger and truth with people, in many ways.
Anyway, negative stuff aside, I'm bloody happy and excited about being out tonight as a single person. I'll have no-one causing banal, drunken arguements with me, picking a fight or even trying to provoke me into getting into a 'raging' argument. Let's hope these sort of times are a relic of my past..had far too many of 'em, over far too many New Years.
All I want now, is to enjoy the night with the dear friends that are out with me and look forward to the New Year. It's a shame that I'm not sharing tonight with the person I do love but he's chosen his own New Year's plans and I sincerely hope he has a good time. (Reckon he'd have a better time though, if he were out with me!)
Anyway, we all make our choices for whatever reasons and these choices lead us to our destiny in life.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
I could go on but I'd rather let you read this piece -
In 1951, Laura Brown, a pregnant housewife, is planning a party for her husband, but she can't stop reading the novel 'Mrs. Dalloway'. Clarissa Vaughn, a modern woman living in present times is throwing a party for her friend Richard, a famous author dying of AIDS. These two stories are simultaneously linked to the work and life of Virginia Woolf, who's writing the novel mentioned before.
The film concerns three women each suffering from depression. Virginia Woolf is starting to write her book 'Mrs. Dalloway' in 1923 England. She is coming to the realization of her lesbianism and fighting her pure despair of life and headaches. Virginia receives a visit from her sister Vanessa and Vanessa's two sons and daughter. The daughter places a strong influence on Virginia's emotions through the death of a bird. Eventually, Virgnia must face the decision to run away to London, stay with her beloved husband, or move to London where the doctors forbid her to go. Laura Brown is a mother fearing her ability to be a mother again. She is reading 'Mrs. Dalloway' in 1951 Los Angeles. Laura is trying to throw a wonderful birthday party for her husband. The very pregnant Laura thinks she won't be an adequate mother to her son and current baby on the way in a few months. Laura must make the decision to run away from it all or live miserably with her happy husband. Clarissa Vaughan is a career publisher living in present 2001 New York. Her nickname, given by her poet-friend, Richard, who is dying of AIDS, is Mrs. Dalloway. Clarissa is also throwing a party but for Richard who is receiving an award for his poetry. Like Virginia Woolf, Clarissa is also a lesbian but also wonders if she is in love with Richard with whom she once dated. At the end, the whole plot twists and comes together. The basic theme of the film is wondering if it is better to live your life for your own happiness or others.
A thoughtful and poignant film in many ways and so refreshing to see women at its core.
What message does this give to the next generation? That the death sentence is fair and just? An eye for an eye? It amazes me that in the world we live in today, people still feel that revenge is acceptable.
Wouldn't it have actually been more acceptable to make Saddam contemplate the horrendous crimes he's done and maybe, given time, find a little remorse in his heart and soul, for what he's done and for destroying many of the people's lives to whom he's committed such attrocities against? I feel this is a much better way of being 'punished', than showing the world that 'the death penalty' is acceptable - that killing is OK? I await what will happen in Iraq and other states in the future and indeed, I foresee a blood bath in the coming future. So today the rain and gloom of the day have perfectly suited my distressed mood about such inhumanity.
On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to what a New Year will bring. I've had such a hard year of it in 2006 that I'm sure things can only get better. I aim to greet the New Year with a positive mind and outlook although I do fear, that I may well feel rather emotional too.
For some reason, Xmas and the run up to New Year has brought out a lot of emotion in me. However, I've come to the conclusion that I need to protect my heart a little better from now on and need to practice a little more 'reflection' about situations that may cause me upset;Upset that isn't intended by anyone but that just affects me, because of my own deep, yearning feelings.
I really know that I've never felt such a deep yearning and love for anyone in my life, than that I have felt for the same person, over almost a two year period. I still dream about him,in fact I dreamt about him after seeing him on Thursday - you wouldn't believe how 'real' the dream felt! I think about him alot of the time, I wonder about him and I hold him so dear to my heart, even though fate hasn't bound us together. However, I'm also more aware that sometimes in life, it's necessary to think a little more selfishly, create your own little coccoon, when you know that certain experiences may bring about a deep emotional trauma in you, a sort of self- preservation. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Simon Pegg's co actor in Spaced and Shaun of the Dead and heal my heart by the 'have a few flings scenario' because as he says, this has always aided his heartbreak.Hmmm I wonder? Not really my style really and in many ways, not really fair to another person. Indeed, why have a fling with someone when deep down, you crave and indeed love someone else?If anything, I guess it's best to clear your head of all love interests before you embark on a new voyage. Saying that though, I really don't ever think I'll lose that 'deep love' for the person I love. I think I could go, for example, 2 years without seeing him and then when I did see him, I'd still have the same feelings. Blimey! You really can't beat the power of feelings.
Anyway, love and feelings aside, I have friends coming over to my house early evening tomorrow for champagne and Black Russians and then we're being partly spontaneous, by heading off to one of my favourite bars and then meandering the streets of the inner city to be led to wherever the night may take us. I await a pleasant eve..
Have a wonderful New Year's Eve .
Thursday, December 28, 2006
I've seen both Ardency and Delirium Funk live and I can verify that they are both well worth seeing. Ardency are so friendly and sweet too.
Tim Pare is a new musician I've recently come across. At first I thought he was just another random acoustic musician, however there's something really special about his music. The tunes and lyrics really move me on an emotional level so this really shows to me that he's good. Any musician who can move me in this way is always well worth following in my opinion.I love the song My Lover and Exorcism. The opening sound of Cello in 'My lover' is so beautiful and such lyrics as...
"Is this real love? I'm torn. Coldness only comes because you're warm"
Wow! What lyrics - they say it all to me..so touching and so tragic at the same time.
His story too is a fascinating one and one that I can completely relate to, especially on a relationship level. I remember years ago when I split up from a 'first' love at a tender age and the only way I felt I could deal with it was to give up everything and move away. This action does heal the soul on many levels. I must say, I've felt like this too in recent years but being a mother and having responsibilties in many ways, stops a person from walking from their troubles. Instead, you have to deal with the problems head on and indeed, deal with kids at the same time which can be pretty hard work.
So guys, I urge you to listen to these musicians and let me know what you think. Tim Pare is definitely the one who's moving me greatly right now.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Anyway, spew aside, I'm glad a computer is part of my life. I love the fact that I can lie in bed and listen to Radio 4. I love the fact I can lie in bed and watch DVDs on my PC. I love the fact that I can listen to my favourite music and learn about new musicians.
This time next week you can bet I'm gonna be moaning about post New Year's spew, even though I know I'm going to have a good time. So many of my friends are coming out on new Years, that I've a feeling it's going to be a wonderful start to the New Year. What more could one ask for in life? I'm blessed that I have such lovely friends and indeed, friends who share many of the same values as my own.
Anyway, cough and spluttering aside, 2006 is nearly over, would you believe (well that's according to our calendar anyway.)
What a year!What change, what fun, what sadness, what passion, what desire, what pain, what relief, what freedom, what loving, what partying, what laughter, what contemplating - I could go on...but I fear I'll ramble forever more!
I'm not really a believer in New Year's resolutions, however there are quite a few things I would like to change/accomplish in the coming year.
I'd really like to learn to play the piano. I always loved practising on a piano when I was a child and indeed when I worked for a family who possessed a beauty of a Steinway grand piano.I was also pretty good at finding the notes, whilst listening to music and playing along with it.
I'd also love to learn to play Djembe drums but I feel I need to do one thing at a time.
I'd like to try and find time to get my house done up a little. I need to decorate some rooms and want to generally get on top of what needs doing to it.
I would love to try and save some money this year and go on a good holiday. Time will tell with that one.
I'd like to continue to share warm times with the person I hold dear to my heart.
I'd like to get away more at weekends and exit the city.
I'd like my son to make his mind up about what he wants to do.
I need more time to think and write down what aims/hopes/thoughts I hold, for 2007.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Last night, as my son and I walked down our street after we'd visited my family for Xmas day, I stopped with him for a few minutes and asked him to listen to how quiet the 'night' was. He stood there with me, listening intently to the silence that was around us; no car noises, no industrial sounds, no voices, no music, no mobile phones ringing, no sounds of people walking. Pure silence. Beautiful, peaceful and poetical.
It really amazes me that people in power don't see the importance of silence to us, as human beings and indeed, to the animal world. There's something so sacred about the sound of silence. There's a real need for us to have peace and quiet at times. It's so good for the soul. Luckily, I try and recreate this silence fairly regularly, either by wondering off into the countryside at times, to find this silence and serenity, or by doing meditation. I haven't meditated in a good while but I really feel this should be a New Year aim. I may also head out of the city whilst I'm on holiday from work and appreciate silence again and indeed nature, before I venture back to work...
May you find solace, in this calm day out there.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Here are my siblings/nieces/nephews (Dad in the background on one of the photos) and I, having a funny Xmas day.
The blonde guy with the white T shirt, is my little brother, although he's a damned sight taller than me! The very young girl and the young man/woman, both with stripey T shirts, are all my nieces and nephew.The woman with dark hair looking like she's had enough, is my older sister. Had a good old Xmas day of it. Had a lot of fun playing games later on in the evening, although I could see that the game playing was heading towards potential disaster with the amount that was being drunk! Baileys/Cava slammers! Sounds odd I know, but you had to be there to understand the ridiculousness, yet fun of this game...it involved memory and taking it in turns to remember things that were said by the previous person. My sister was getting a little agitated as her husband was drinking a wee bit too much for her liking. Interestingly, I wonder how many people feel like this around Xmas time? I guess quite a fair few as Xmas drinking does tend to bring out the demons in some people.
Later on, we all sat down to watch a bit of a film. I was tired though and ready for my bed.
It's been a lovely time to catch up with my family and share the day together...I guess this is really what Xmas is about. Catching up and sharing warm times and connections with those whom we hold dear.
I missed the person I love a lot. I missed him last night and thought a lot about him. I woke up today and missed him again. It's weird in many ways because Xmas can be such a contemplative time..I tend to reflect a lot around Xmas. It was good though, to receive Xmas wishes from him in the morning. It touched my heart and made me smile.
Interestingly, I got into a coversation with my 75 year old uncle who was talking about a 'flame' that he met, many years ago, in fact, when he was 23 years old! The woman he met was only 16 at the time and was a German woman. He sort of fell in love with her but admitted that he was stupid and never pursued her as he should have done. He married another woman that ended in divorce 17 years later!
However, he's still in contact with the German woman today and still has strong feelings - 50 or so years later...Wow!
In some ways as people, I feel we forget about elderly people and their lives. In may ways, society is so dismissive of elderly people and in manys, they become 'invisible', when in fact, they've shared the same feelings, passion, desires as younger people. I love talking to older people, they fascinate me. Their history and indeed their stories fascinate me.
I also though, love being around young children when I have no 'exterior' stresses such as work. I love watching them play and listening to what they have to say;Xmas allows me to listen more intently to them and laugh at their cheekiness and funny behaviour.
So today was contemplative, reflective, fun, happy, merry, warm and touching.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Peace to you all out there and may you have a warm and restful time..
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Even though I'm told to walk away.
How can one walk on by?
And to their loved one, love deny?
My heart's so full of love for you
It's never changed, it's always true.
Whenever we're together
Intensity of feeling - forever.
Lying next to you - so close
Electric feeling impulse, runs through my head to toes.
Atmosphere of magic, golden and bright
Never want to leave you, as I walk into the night..
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common therewith.
In particular, I had an interesting conversation with a musician guy who, like me, has also this year, untied the binds of a long term relationship. It was interesting and indeed, enlightening to share our thoughts about relatioship issues and the difficulties arising from being in 'unfulfilling' relationships. We both had to live with our partners for a while due to financial constraints, even though we weren't still 'in the relationship'.
Also, we both agreed that it can be a real pain, when only one person in a relationship, foots all of the responsibiltuies. We both agreed that we were glad to be out of our respective relationships. The worst for him though is, he plays with his ex in a band which is the source of his income and means that he has to see his ex on a 3 times a week basis, which he says, is a 'pain in the arse' because he'd rather not really have any contact now. My oh my, the complicated situations us humans carve out for ourselves at times, eh?
The music being played last night was good too. A miox of old soul, psychaedelia and 60s classics. Gave me a right urge to dance and have fun. Out of the drunkeness and fun, gave light to my group of friends wishes for New Year's Eve. It's been decided that we're going to hit a pub for a while, as it's free to get in and cheap to drink there. We may head to a private party for some time but we're also hoping to head on down to a Warehouse party after 2am for the rest of the celebrations. A good few of my close mates are going to be out with me so I'm really looking forward to spending the New Year with them.
This also means, that I'm going to be out for the first time in years, on a New Year's Eve, on a proper 'partying' level and I'm excited!
My ex is with my son on this night which means I have the whole day/night to please myself.
So folks here's to a wonderful Xmas out there and an exciting New Year 2007!
-This year's been one of the toughest of my life.
-Things that you believed and indeed hoped may happen, haven't and therefore, lead me to the conclusion, that I may've been in a weird state of delusion, all the way along.
-The realisation/perception that the person who you have unconditional love for, is still 'very much in love' with their ex. Words haven't told me this, but my instinct keeps leaning towards this feeling and I'm a firm believer in trusting your instinct. The only way I'll ever feel any different, is when this is proven otherwise.
- I have so much love in my heart for someone, that I don't know what to do with it at times.
- It's been difficult but necessary, to finally untie the binds of the 11 year chapter of my relationship. I'm glad there's been the minimalist of conflict throughout this.
-I've been at the lowest in moods, many times during this year and I'm not prepared to feel that depth of pain, again in my life.
-I've enjoyed writing poetry and would like to find the inspiration again at some point.
-My good heartedness, kindness and loving nature has been, at times, pushed to the limits.
- Head games are for the play ground.
- I'm feeling that my spirit is lifting and the world is opening up to me on a new and interesting level.
- That my children will be OK
- I always hope to be with my beloved but have to be realistic about this
- That I have just as many wonderful times with my friends
- That I find true, inner peace again
- That I will be respected and loved as I should be
- That world peace will be realised.
- That my life will be one of happiness and contentment in 2007
-That I'll begin to explore new things
- That New Year's Eve will be one of excitement and laughter
- That I share warm, beautiful times again.
- That the love in my heart will find peace and contentment
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Doesn't mean I'm - fake
All about self - preservation
Need some sort of - Solace
Searching for a kind of - peace
Only desire to be - Loved
Heart feels torn - apart
Only with you - together
To make simplifying decisions is tough but when you've come to these decisions, the world seems like a better, kinder and indeed easier place.
Simplification is good for the soul, it truly is.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Anyway, Wednesday it's off to the airport for me, Wednesday night is a meal out with some friends for a curry and exchanging of cards etc. Thursday I plan to visit my friend. Friday I'm hopefully off to a gig. Saturday I guess will be last minute stuff and Sunday, maybe the cinema with my son and baking ready for Xmas Eve night - all in time for waiting for Santa to turn up with his gifts!
I have so much love in my heart for one person that it's hard to imagine where this love can go. Therefore, a retreat, at this moment in time feels like the way forward; To find inner peace and contentment in life.
I used to feel that I had inner peace a while back but this year has been an extremely testing one...I actually would go as far to say that I've been a bit of a mess this year. Messy! Messy in my head, caused by having to deal with so much stress and change in my life. I know these things are put in our paths to test us but I do feel that I've had far too may testing times now and need solace.
So people, sorry to rant about these sort of things today but this is where my head and heart is today. Believe me, if I had no responsibilties in my life I'd seriously be off. I'd be packing my stuff and heading off to a place that feels more simplistic; a retreat, a commune, a monastery..anywhere that feels like a nurturing, loving, sharing environment. I feel like I want to be small again, be bathed by another, have my hair and body washed by another, be dried by another - you know - like when you're younger and your Mum waits for you with a warm towel, whilst you get out of the bath..
I can totally understand why people become addicted to heroin...this must be that sort of warmth and comfort that they are trying to recreate and experience again for themselves, maybe even trying to find a warmth that they've never experienced before in their life - especially if they've never had a family to speak of...if they've been in care for example.....
So, God, whoever you are, please bless these troubled souls and let them find peace in their hearts and souls and grant me a smoother ride in life next year..
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I managed to buy other necessities and weighed my bike down that much, I was unable to leave it outside a second hand shop, to pick up a really lovely bowl I'd seen. I asked people to look after it for me, to which they obliged. How kind!
One of my main observations today is how 'happy' and 'friendly' people seem to be...In the supermarket, an elderly couple chatted to me about the bargain that a reduced bottle of Rioja was. I agreed. Another older man, commented on putting so much brandy in a wine glass that I was buying.
People seem happy! What's going on? English folk are often bloody miserable when they shop! So, today, this air of happiness and contentment has left me feeling positively at peace with the world. Tonight I'm off to a Playhouse Set designer's party in an old workshop in Radford. Always a great party, always fun. Always lots of alcohol and dancing.
I'll fill you in with Party observations later! Peace and happiness be with you sweet people!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Anyway here's a scary rundown of stuff that needs doing and one of them is worrying me massively, cos it can be a potential killer!Arghh eeek!
- Pigeons are apparently nesting in their loft and have been spotted in their bathroom! What the fuck? Apparently they can be the carrier of a pretty deadly disease that attacks all of your immune system and can prove fatal! This has worried me as they're probably in my loft..
- Their chimney stack which is part of mine too is coming away and could crash down at any minute! eek!
- Their gutter is almost falling doen onto a shared entry way which myself and my children use regularly.
- They have a drainpipe, which is made of asbestos and is leaking...
I feel worried about these things quite a bit especially the stuff to do with pigeons as I've heard noises in my loft for quite a while.
To look at my neighbours you wouldn't think they lived in such a 'shit hole'. Middle class professionals working for local authority and private business. I've therefore decided to write them a letter and talk to them about this as it's pretty worrying really...Let's hope there's no confrontation
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
One track I'm particularly loving right now is called 'Cruel' by the American collective Calexico. Depending on how you want to interpret their lyrics, they're actually making a point about environmental corruption. One thing I love about this collective of musicians is their environmental and social conscience. Thank God there's still musicians around who do have a conscience rather than worrying about their image or how famous they're becoming.
Anyway here's the lyrics I'm really liking, if not reminding us about what's happening in the world on an environmental level....
Leak truths never found
Whisper from the grave
A slow spun song of distortion
Bitter, bitter mouth
Spitin' out seeds of doubt
Rituals seek root
Razed before they're told
Stories break like branches in the cold
Seasons trial finds man's mistakes fair game
Lay and law of the land
Falls by the side
Silenced sentient cries
All within the lines of divine right
Better bury the tracks in an unclosed case
Weeds of discontent choke a broken ghost landscape
Cruel, heartless reign
Chasing short term gains
Right down to the warning signs
Birds refuse to fly
No longer trust the sky
Drifting out beyond the signals
Even the horizon is gone
Weather flees underground
I've also had such a wonderful day with some ex offenders in a probation hostel. As a wind- down for Xmas, we prepared a buffet and played a music quiz and then a karaoke battle game. How much fun was this? I'm telling you, I was in tears, as were most of the students who joined in, when the singing was put on playback for all and sundry to listen to! How lovely and rewarding to see these guys laughing and really having so much fun!
I sang to Atomic by Blondie - Bloody hard work that one.. Material Girl by Madonna - not too bad. Perfect by Fairground Attraction - bit too mellow for my liking, attempted Ice, Ice Baby by Ice T! Fucking hilarious and shite at that one...rapping is damned hard work!
My score was pretty good and apparently I have 'professional singer status! This score is ridiculous, I can tell you!
So today, music has brought so much joy and laughter to the souls and hearts of myself and many others'.
Why the hell did he have to go and put a gun to his head so early on his life? He was such a gift to music, emotion, lamguage and more 'political' causes too; A believer and supporter of women's rights and actively rejecting the values of certain bands, in their use of 'glorifying sexual violence against women.
I wonder what he'd be like today if he was still walking the planet? I wonder how his music would have developed? I wonder whether he'd have still been in love with Courtney?
I love what he did for music back in the 90s and I love the journey of melancholy and excitement that he rediscovers in me, each time I listen to Nirvana..
I've been taken back today to some very happy memories of September 1992..hanging out with my dearest friend Jeni and feeling like life was much more 'innocent'. Happy times they certainly were, even though Kurt's lyrics at times, were somewhat gloomy!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Me and a good friend Julie, were being really silly last night before hitting the pub, taking photos and then manipulating them to see what they turn out like. Here's one of me which my friend Julie describes as 'Classic'...God knows why!
God, photo manipulation can be so much fun at times...
Anyway, I'm gonna take it easy over Xmas. It'll be a strange one in many ways, what with my son being away, my Mum not being here and youngest son's father doing his own thing. Blimey, families can become so complicated at times.It's weird to think how things have changed so much in a year but I do feel so positive about my life right now and one things for sure, the decisions that I've worked towards this year, have been the right ones. I'm so pleased that my soul finally feels at peace in many ways. Decisions and getting there are always difficult to do but when they've been accomplished and when they're right, it's a feeling that does leave you feeling at peace with yourself and in your life.
Although I'm gonna try my hardest to wind down, I also have quite a few parties to go to. I have an annual Playhouse Party to go to, which is always a good night;held by the people who design the sets, in their workshop/warehouse and converted into a 'big ' party for a night. These parties tend to go on until 6am and beyond so I'm gonna try and get plenty of rest before I embark on a night of fun!
I'm also contemplating what to do for New Year. It'll be the first year that I have 'free' and so, I'm thinking long and hard about how I want to spend this night.
I'm also hoping to possibly head away for a few days over Xmas and do some walking. It'll be good to get outdoors and feel vast, open spaces after being couped up in the house and I'm sure a well needed wind down.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I felt rather tired on waking and looked around my messy bedroom. It's so messy! I keep on reminding myself that I need to clean it. It didn't happen.
Instead, I lay in bed until 12.30pm and went about my lazy Sunday business, chilling, listening to music, tidying downstairs somewhat.
Sunday late afternoon, a friend nipped to see me and invited me to see a 'folky' type gig in a local pub. I ummed and ahhed for a while, as I felt a little hungover but then thought to myself, why not?
So, I met my friend in the pub and sat and listened to a pretty cool and ambienty folk band consisting of Acoustic guitar, Mandolin, Bass Guitar, keyboard, Saxophone, Lead Guitar and female/male harmony vocals. The sound of sax really added something special to this music...although my friend and I concluded that 'tom tom' drums would have added a little more specialness and rhythm to the music.
I drank quite a few glasses of Baileys and felt like I was winding up towards a chilled Xmas.
We left the pub and I said my farewells to my friend and cycled home whilst the wind blew through my hair and refreshed my warm, glowing, contented skin.
What a delightful weekend..
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Anyway, from now on, I need to start enjoying my life on a new level and enjoy what it throws in my direction. I need to spread my wings in some respects and think more about my inner needs and enjoyment, in fact watching a programme on TV last night called 'Healing Plants' reminded me about my love for herbalism. I hope to reignite my love and passion for reading about herbalism. I have a good knowledge 0f herbs and their healing properies already so it'd be good to compliment my already gained knowledge. I haven't made a herbal tincture in years but this programme last night, gave me a wee bit of inspiration to revisit this old passion of mine.
Tonight? I'm off to see some gigs in aid of Women's Aid - all worthy causes. It'll be good to see some friends and to listen to a female punk band I've wanted to see for quite a while. Here's to strength and life...
Friday, December 08, 2006
The trouble is, when you have so much love in your heart for someone, how do you stop this? Is it possible to stop this? Is it wise to stop wishing?
Last night, I made a fool of myself. I was antagonistic, angry, challenging and emotional as hell. I knew visiting my loved one, was a mistake so soon. But the trouble is, when you're so in love with someone, you just want to see them. The excitement mounts and the anticipation aches; This was me last night, prior to visiting my beloved.
After my changeable, emotional outbursts at my loved one, I returned home and sobbed for hours. I then fell into a deep sleep.
I dreamed about my beloved. I dreamed I was lying next to him, our hands met each others and clasped together. A heat so intense was generated through our palms. I felt at one, I felt happy and sure.
I woke up this morning to realise that this had all been a dream. I honestly thought it was real.
I sobbed again and laid in my bed, drifting in and out of sleepworld, until 3pm today..
I wish I could sleep for a month and forget my troubles and wake up to a world that feels a little kinder and a little more loving...I wish my beloved loved me, as strong as I love him.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I then went to see 'he whom I love' and had a beautiful, special time with him. T'was lovely to see him although I was rather drunk and he was sober, I sense I was being a little lairy, cheeky, silly and all of the things that alcohol, cause the brain to ridiculously do!
Saturday, I chilled right out, as I was a little hungover and tired from the night's shenaningans. I decided to get a curry Saturday night and get an early night, hitting my bed at 11pm. This was just what the body needed...Later on I received a suprise phone call from above person asking me to go and see him at 3.30am. No, was my reply at first but that soon became yes!
God, I'm such a hedonist and fun lover at times! (I have been called incourageable in the past - this label seems to still stick on some level I think)
At the end of the day though, philosophical head kicking in here, as humans, we do have to 'go with what we feel there and then' and enjoy these times.
I sure as hell had one great night and had a cheeky smile and grin Sunday early morning! Impulsivity and spontaneity are still pretty exciting in my opinion.
Sunday day, the less said the better; Long story and one I that I frankly, don't want to go into.
Today, I'm feeling pretty good.. I feel life is turning around for me in many ways. I relish being in my house at night time now, getting all cosy with my cushions, candles burning, fire flaming and listening to music. I love it! I feel so free and content. OK there are bad days here and there but the best way to alleviate those, is to simplify life, in my honest opinion; not getting hung up, not panicking, loving those people who bring joy and laughter and love to my life, taking each day as it is and basically, enjoying each moment for what it is and what it brings.
I still look to the future and have many wishes but I do feel that now my living situation is a lot simpler and freer, I don't have such an urge to look too much into the future because I'm enjoying the present greatly, if that makes sense?
Happy week ahead people..
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Spending time with a loved one
Discussions into the early hours
Being physical, tactile and admiring such beauty, in a face
Feeling the warmth of naked skin and relishing smell
Listening to music and music being played
Getting stoned at the weekend
Watching good films
Eating curry - Hmmm this I may do tonight. I have CURRY URGE
Drinking Vodka and Coke and (black Russians when feeling decadent) and red wine
Eating fresh bread and continental cheeses especially Jarlsberg, Leerdamer, Brie, Gruyere and Camembert
Reading the Saturday Paper
Looking at nature and its beauty; totally overcomes me
Gardening when I have my 'gardening' head on
Reading books that are worthy of my time and patience
Getting excited about Midwinter and Xmas
Daydreaming and replaying my own special 'memories' in my head
Walking in nature
Cartman from South Park
Crying, for the releasing of emotion
To love things, is a joy to life itself.
And, as one of my favourite 80s musicians Matt Johnson superbly sings...
"Love, love, love is stronger than death"