Saturday, July 21, 2007

How things can change with time

The week just got better and better people. I had a great night last night, I'm off somewhere special tonight. I missed myb loved one last night, I chatted to many a person but they never seem to hit the loved one always has and I guess, always will. Strange eh? How you meet one person and their soul, heart and core just meet you, right at your own. Not many people come to you in life where this happens. Almost like you're deeply connected on some higher/cosmic level. Or am I just a bit odd! Anyway I'm away too next week for 8 days, I'll post again before I go though. I feel like things are a changing for me, at long last . I've been so giggly and happy the last few days..I feel like the little girl I used to be who was always full of laughter and smiles.
Happy day lovely people xx

Monday, July 16, 2007

God I despair

I am sick of people being insensitive.
I am sick of loving to no avail.
I am sick of feeling like someone's trying to continually get revenge back on me.
I am sick of thinking about others' so much when they never really think about me.
I am sick of this patheticness of two years of emotional crap.
I am sick of pretending to be 'friends' when I feel more than just 'friends'

The worm is turning people.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Eternal element

This love I feel
Just never leaves.
It hangs over me
Like an everlasting shadow.
Creeping up on me,
Invading my thoughts.
It floats around -
An autumn leaf,
Falling down from the strongest, saddest tree.
To be captured by such love
Is both a pleasure and a pain,
Pleasure when expressed
Painful when supressed.
Eyes well and flow,
Unleash the sorrow
Of his absence - his presence.
Even though I know
I'll see him agin,
The internal flooding of loss
Starts its rain.
How long will it live here -
in my heart?
I guess forever,
always a part -
Of who I am, what I was.
Try to close it -
Lock it away,
But the cosmos again,
Is there at play.
Such strength and depth
Only found in fathoms.
Such desire, fire
Only found in eruption.
Such passion and longing
Only found in myths.
Such beauty and awe
Only found at the core.
Where will it all end?
I ask you?
Longing, lonely heart please,
Please mend


Can you honestly, really just be 'friends' with someone who you're 'in love' with? I don't know if you realistically can..I'm still very much in love with someone who, I see on a weekly basis, however, when I leave him, I feel sad and a deep sense of loss.

What is the solution to such a quandry I wonder?

I'm looking very forward to getting away soon and sorting my head out for once and all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Full flight

His strength returns
I feel..
Samson, with no hair
But with might.
His capacity
To love,
I feel
Awakens, with every day
That dawns -
A new morn.
Light, golden, bright -
Energy, full flight.
The bird returns -
Perches in his soul
Reminding him
He's whole.
Of love.
May his strength
Return to the source
Of what he is
What I know.
Oh how I cherish him..

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Regressive reflection

For some reason recently, I've been regressing to an earlier time in my life. A time whem my Mum was present and I was a young woman, 18 years old, full of the joys of freedom and fun. I really don't know why I've been thinking about this time but I've come to the conclusion that it sort of feels like a retracing of emotional steps. Possibly too because all of the trauma I feel have been enduring for quite a while that is hopefully coming to a close now.

Rewinding then, 1986 was the time I met a first serious love. I wrote about this time, some time back.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I want to make a sort of pictoral history of eventful times in my life. However, one very eventful time I had backpacking with this person, I have no pictoral evidence of, only memories. Anyway, rather than dwelling on this, I managed to track down my ex via a friend, emailed him asking if he'd kindly send me copies of the photos, from the 5 week roughing it, Greek Island Trip we shared.
His reply was swift, happy and glad to hear from me. He's now very happy himself, living in Paris, married with a 5 year old son and working on some photography project with the Red Cross/peace corps in Geneva. He promised he would send these pictures on to me, when he eventually tracks them down.
I can't wait to get them, they were wonderful pictures of such beauty, happiness and such a special time for me and will make my pictoral history so rounded.
I don't quite know why I have such an urge to do this but I just do. It's odd too because at times, I do get such a sense of sadness and sorrow, coming from nowhere. I put this down to my Mum's death I think. Maybe it's hitting me more now than I realise, because I'm very much more alone now and thus, facing up to my lonely demons! Don't feel depressed or downhearted about this people though, because for me, it's sort of a good way to deal with my emotion.
Maybe subconsciously, I'm trying to get closure on many things and start anew, with a different sort of life; a life that is really what I'm about, free from anger and negative thoughts,treated with kindness and gentleness..
One day, I hope to share a few of these pictures of the VERY young Sara, with you people!I think you'll really love some of them and I hope to show you the beautiful places I visited back then, places that I wish to return to and indeed build on, some fine sunny day...

Check out this link and click on the following islands for info if you have an interest in the Greek mystical islands, just like me!
My rambling of islands consisted of:


Sunday, July 08, 2007

Britain's Industrial History

Don't know if any of you guys have been watching the TV series 'How we built Britain' presented by David Dimbleby, but my, you really should, especially if you have an interest and fascination for the social aspects of history, architecture, philanthropy, paternalistic society..
Tonight's series was so interesting and took the viewer on a journey through Manchester, Leeds and Bradford's industrial past. My interest with this was also down to the fact that my father's family were immigrants from Ireland who fled their homeland in the 1840s to escape famine and ended up living and working in I guess, factories, in Manchester. Apparently, it wasn't uncommon for 16+ families to be living in a tiny cellar;no ventilation, no windows and a shared cooking area and fire. I guess this all brings it home to me how lucky we are in many respects compared to such times.
The programme also took the viewer to an old Mental Asylum, in west Ridings. This was so interesting and yet sad at the same time, especially when the viewer was invited to look at pictures of old patients there; you could just so much sense and indeed 'see' the sadness and despair in these peoples' eyes.

My, I'll be continuing watching this truly interesting and indeed educationally rewarding programme..

Delicate as Porcelain

Gosh this weekend has been a toughie! Talk about mood fluxing! I've gone from happy to sad, to manic to tired.I've missed my Mum terribly and so needed to talk to her, all I've done though is dream awful dreams and felt generally fed up! I guess my body's out of synch and needs grounding again. Yoga for me ASAP. Anyway, miserableness aside and positive thoughts, I've just booked a long stay away in Copenhagen for my 40th Birthday, in November.Although my birthday is September, I've delayed it until November as I can fly direct from East Midlands airport to Copenhagen, YIPPEEEEE! Time to ctch up with my Danish mates, family and generally get out there and enjoy the beauty the Copenhagen beholds.
A good friend is coming with me so I can show her the sites but also Fristaten Christiania where the more 'alternative' Danish culture exists, to which I know, she'll really love.

So, all of these moods where do they come from? My kids are hard work right now and making me feel like I'm a crap Mum. I probably am. People tell me things which I really don't deserve to know, or quite frankly, need. All these things and thoughts swirl around in my head and make me feel heavy headed and ready to burst, or better still, crack. So the porcelain is trying to be more earthenware and hopefully won't crack under the pressure!
One nice thing though for me in the land of porcelain though, was the specialness of a loved one saying to me...
'what is mine is yours.'
Those words were sweet, thoughtful, caring and well received.

Drift away

Always there
For those who needed me
But where are they
I need them.
Too busy
Too bored
Too irritating
Too mad
Too ‘wrapped up in their own lives/loves’
Too much believing
‘She’s strong;
Needs no-one,
Likes space,
Drama Queen
Will be alright.
Never anymore
To be there.
Like I was for them.
Do I really need to know
My ex fancies my mate?
Do I really need to know
The lover I love, is 'not in love enough'
with me?
Sick of giving,
Listening, being, forgiving, accepting,
Sick of no-one giving
To me.
Time to give up
Time to forget.
Time to become small…
Drift away.
I have no more anymore
To give....

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here, Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Dream awakenings

Early dawn dream
Beautifully serene.
Embraced by his love,
Smothered by soft lips.
Soft cushions of fire -
Trip of transcendental desire.
Hypnotic state of bliss,
By a single,
Eternal kiss.

Does his slumber journey there?
I wonder?
Universal dream.
Universal love.
Connectedness desire?
All consuming memories
Dawn of a new dream.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


What happened to the light
In the dark?
I guess the switch got struck
Wax dripped, slid,
Burning out the bright.
What happened with those so free?
Wild with positivity,
passion and fiery,
Bright and shiny.
I guess with time
Fires smoulder -
To ash.
Get buried,
Back to their source.
Return to the land -
That nurtured them before.
What happened to the child?
Eyes so wide and alive,
Heart open, full of love -
Bruised with age
Misunderstood -
To the realms of ice.
What happened to the spirit?
Dancing around, pure energy.
Cosmic ride of the universe
Too much for others
What happens to life?
The big mystery..
The fires burn
The candles turn
The lightswitch bids a farewell.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Island of no cars!

3 more weeks and I'm free for 3 weeks from work. Hooray! I'm extremely ready for a break. I've booked to stay in a fully equipped tent for 8 nights in Jersey near Rozel Bay, with my son. There's a lot of kids stuff for him to do and also a swimming pool, which will be heavenly for me; wake up, swim for a good half hour, breakfast, out on a mission for the day, cycle rides!
I've also been doing a little research into places to visit whilst I'm on Jersey and I do really want to sail to either Herm or Sark, both are car free islands, with Sark being a big cycling and horse and cart island - this so much appeals to me. I'd also like to head to St Malo in France for the day, as I've heard how beautiful the olf walled city is there.
Sark sounds fascinating, with it still being under feudal rule! I remember reading an article about it a long time ago but this had completely vanished from my mind...I remember then thinking how interesting this place sounded and now, purely by chance, I'm going to be spending a day, or even possibly, a night there. If I like what I see, then I may very well head off there next year for a good, peace and quiet, unpolluted holiday. Sometimes I do crave for a simpler life. Does this mean I'm getting older or just disillusioned with the western way of fast 24 hour living? Yeah, I think it's the latter!