Monday, March 30, 2009

Thoughts at bedtime

In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.

Good Old George Orwell! Not many of the old revolutionarys left though I fear! But at least I can rest in peace and remember that Goerge I think, would've honoured me!

The art of using deceit and cunning grow continually weaker and less effective to the user.

How true and from my recent experience, this has been validated. Thye truth never lies!

Lucky for Me

Spoke to my son's Dad and luckily, he's going to stay at mine with my son whilst I attend the union training course. I don't really like him to stay at mine and I know he doesn't either but at the end of the day, it ain't about mine or his feelings but what is best for our son and getting to school if he's better or indeed, being in his own space with his toys and things..

Google street map? Have you seen this facility? I don't like it - how imposing is it? I can see my front room, my windows are open and thank God I'm not shagging or anything in the view of the window when the picture was taken! Talk about invasion of privacy! I guess it's good if you're trying to find a place for holiday and how to get there and what it looks like but apart from that, it's too scary!

Everything is coming into perspective for me. I can't believe how terribly destructive and dishonest humans can be..I think I need to have my antenna completely alert from now on, either that or becomne a fuckin nun! Don't get me wrong, my feelings for the guy are really strong but I ain't being no pushover and when you don't get honesty from a person then sometimes, you have to do a little bit of your own investigation to find out the truth - even if, the truth can fucking hurt. Rather truth than lies for sure though..Rather love than hate but maybe the time has now come to selectively choose who I fall in love with? Can you do that? I don't know cos I'm a believer that we have no control over love, do we? I really am confused as can be seen..Ah well, bring on the self love! But you know, deep down, someone out there is walking towards my destiny and they will not fuck me over or play childish games.And so the world turns...

Monday action

Woke up today and my son wasn't feeling too great so, I decided it was for the best, for him to have a day off school. This has meant I've had to take a day off work but I've been working a little at home and catching up on a few bits and bobs and also, enabled me to get on top with other things that I need to sort out.
I've decided to get an overall health check again so off to the Health Shop go I, in a few weeks - the people in there are really friendly and indeed I have an appointment for a few weeks time. Let's hope I get a clean bill but who knows what the outcome will be. Thank God we have services like this that enable people to attend appointments in a non judgemental manner!!

My glands are still swollen but not as bad as last night so maybe this was just a one off? Hopefully, they will be fine by Wednesday cos I'm so fired up about the training course.

Poetry? Haven't been writing it for a while but I'm looking forward to attend a poetry event this sounds good and will be nice to attend something that is new to me..You take your own wine and there's a number of poetry readings, apparently! Should be cool and may inspire me to put pen to paper again and find some of my dormant imagination!

Sunday, March 29, 2009


After the past few days of emotional stress, which in many ways equates to quite a while of stress when I think realistically about it, my glands in the front of my neck have enlarged, hardened, are sore and my mouth is dry! So, I guess I'm coming down with some bloody illness and I guess my body is fighting the infection by the help of the lymph nodes or some such. Interestingly, at Yoga the other day, we were doing work on the lymph nodes and aiding their health by certain postures, that indeed, work and massage the lymph nodes, so whether this is related to me falling ill, who knows! Maybe the whole load of stuff has just weighted down on me!

Earlier, I booked to go and see an up and coming band in Birmingham on Wednesday evening, before in fact, my glands swelled up! The band thus far, sound good and I like their influences - check out Broken Records on Myspace, a Scots outfit with excellent influences! Exciting stuff for sure!
I hope I can bloody get to see this gig, I thought it would be a good thing to do, after my training course on Wednesday. I am so looking forward to do my module 1 of Introduction to union repping, that I pray I am not going to be so ill that I can't attend the course - I'll be well pissed off if so, cos I'm looking forward to get involved in something on a different, meaningful and political level. AND I'm looking forward to be a free spirit in Birmingham for the night!

Pray and send me speedy, healing love and thoughts cyber buddies!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Truth

I did something the other day that I was never sure I would. I had to find out the truth about something that has been on my mind for a long time. I believed the story about an issue from a person I'd been invloved with but as time went on, I kept on wondering whether I was being fed a lie.. So, to find out the truth, I rang someone and was shocked when they told me the opposite of what I had been told! I challenged this and then realised how simple it is for simple to lie about really important things..apparently part of the lying was supposedly, to protect me. But I really wonder about this.

Anyway, things are not good now because of this but I would rather know the truth than be fed a pack of lies and live a lie. I have to focus on the future now.. I'm sad about all of the grizzly detail and deceit but people have their reasons I guess but I'm all for honesty really..

I've restarted Yoga and I do think it is helping me refocus pn what I need, build my emotional strength and move me forward to where I should be heading. I hope so, I truly do.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Deep and true

I heard this phrase tonight on one of my favourite TV programmes and it's so true...

'I believe in love and when love is strong, hope will endure'

I like this quote very much..

Monday, March 23, 2009

Determination, Strength and Aching Arms

I am determined more than ever to stick to a decision I have made. I don't need to go into detail but I have to promise myself not to backtrack. The key is to keep busy, fake it to make it, keep up with new interests, remind myself who and what I am about and remember this and vow myself never to find myself in the positions I have done recently, ever again. Maybe the lesson has been about learning strength and decision making, growing and learning once again to practice self respect and indeed, establish boundaries about what I will or won't accept. I feel strong and I hope to remain so. Yoga last week has definitely helped me. I aim to attend every week to fully ground myself and keep in this vibe, live a vibe and life that is from now on, true to me, my life and my needs as a woman.

My arm, left arm, once again is playing up. I assume this is due to carrying heavy bags again for work.. this weekend has been a real agoniser with it and I guess a return to the Drs will be the necessary case but I don't want to be fobbed off with painkillers! I want action that will alleviate the pain holistically..I hope Yoga will help my arm and rebuild my physical strength..I'm not getting any younger but my determination certainly is youthful!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Power to the People

G20 'Put People First' march

Join the march to 'Put People First' - London 28 March

This Saturday sees the unions and activits calling on people to march through London as part of a global campaign to challenge the G20, ahead of their 2 April summit on the global financial crisis. Even before the banking collapse, the world suffered poverty, inequality and the threat of climate chaos. The world has followed a financial model that has created an economy fuelled by ever-increasing debt, both financial and environmental. Our future depends on creating an economy based on fair distribution of wealth, decent jobs for all and a low carbon future. There can be no going back to business as usual.

People from all over the country will join the march on March 28.

'Put People First' is a broad alliance of unions, development and environmental organisations and faith groups calling for the G20 to create an economy based on fair distribution of wealth, decent jobs for all and a low carbon world.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Back to my Roots

For ages, I've wanted to get more involved with unionism. I am a member of UCU which is a college and lecturer's union and at one time before merging, was the AUT and Natfhe. Anyway, I've decided to attend the training in April, to become more active as a Rep, this means completing a module about Induction and repping which means I get to spend 2 days over in Birmingham, accommodation provided, which actually, as much as I hate the clinical feel of hotels , I'm sort of loooking forward to staying in one on my own! I'm blessed that my son's Dad will look after his son in order that I can attend this and it has to be said, I'm looking forward to being around politcially minded people again!

Tonight I'm invited over to a friend's for a party - should be good and if the mood takes me, I may head out to the city for dancing but the key is to just play it by ear.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Moving and Stilling

My world? Well I saw some good friends on Friday of last week, we went to eat and catch up with our worlds. It was good to see them but I had an urge to stay out later and thus, ended up in a bar alone, watching a live band. I got talking to a dear woman who was telling me about her marriage and her love for her husband - was very sweet! I got rather drunk though, wrote a few poems, cried about my Mum - all the sort of things we feel when alcohol is part of the equation.

The weekend consisted of me finding the energy and lust to decorate my bedroom. I found a gorgeous colour - quite by accident and totally unplanned, Dusky Damson! And what a gorgeous and sumptuous colour it is! My room looks heavenly but just needs touching up here and there and finishing off in an alcove. I also want to find either a Moroccan style light shade or a chadelier!

Today, I've been blessed with finding, at last, a Thursday day time yoga class! Hurrah! I've been searching endlessly for a class and have struggled..I loved my Thursday eve class in my hometown but I can't go anymore due to childcare issues. The day class is just what I'm looking for! I have experience - 3 years and know many of the postures and God do I feel the need the need to align my body at the moment..carrying heavy things for work really DOES take its toll on my back and Yoga is fantastic for the back and spine. I really am looking forward to the class this Thursday.. ready for some meditation, grounding and stilling..Ommmmmmm!

And this weekend, who knows.. might do a night out Saturday but not 100% sure yet but could do with a little bit of therapeutic dancing to refresh me!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Holidays, Escapism and Darwin

I've finally made my mind up about this year's holiday. I'm credded up to the meax but I NEED a holiday and so too, does my son deserve one! I've decided on a 10 day holiday to Denmark..I'm planning to stay at a good friends in Copenhagen for a couple of nights to catch up and indeed, be in the city area. I then plan to head down to the south coast area and stay in a log cabin. This should be great for my son, there'll be lots of kids and families but also it's close to a beautfiul beach that looks out to Sweden. Also, we are close to where my eldest son is staying and this will allow me to spend some time with him.. Hopefully, we'll be able to hire bikes for the holiday and get plenty of cycling done.Surprisingly, the holiday is as cheap as it would be to stay in Jersey! I checked out loads of places, thought about Greece but realised that I need to be careful how much I do pay out but also want to see my eldest son and thus decided Denmark is a good option!

I've also planned a few days in the Peak District over Easter with a dear friend. I'm looking forward to it as we're gonna do a lot of walking, pubbing and having fun! Should be good!

Charles Darwin? I've been enjoying the programmes about him and his garden and how his theories have been abused for political means, espec when you consider the Nazi party and genocide. The programmes have been engaging and informative and I look forward to the next one! Get watching this guys if you're into theory and politics!

Monday, March 09, 2009

So, could do with a little help from my Cyber Friends....

So, how do you deal with disbelief? By this I mean, when things finally settle in your mind about an issue and you have to deal with the reality of it? It takes things a while to work their way with me and then it finally sinks in on some level..

As you know, things ain't been too easy on the opposite sex front for me for a while. I have looked at myself and what part I play in all of this. The last relationship that I am now deciding to walk from, was one that I kept at a distance for quite some time, for fear of being hurt, then slowly and surely, I decided that letting trust build was what I should do but then have had that trust pushed into my face..
Long story and I'll spare the details but I simply can't get over the feeling of disbelief, feeling let down, hurt, sad, angry..hence me making the wise decision to walk because how can I lie to myself about potentially something that I don't agree with and that I will have to endure, if I decided to stay in a 'relationship' with said person..

I would appreciate if anyone could tell me about strategies that they have used in their past etc to help with this sort of thing. I am trying my best to distract, to ground, to find peace and calm, to recover and heal but the feelings simply overwhelm at times to the point where my stomach feels sick and I just want to blert!!

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Wonderful Buddhist Meditation and Chant

So, here we are Sunday and I'm feeling tired..have had bouts of sadness over the past week because of what has occurred more recently with someone I have spent most weekends with and with whom I am very much enamoured with thus, I have and am missing him but I have to be true to myself, my needs as a woman and live under no false illlusions, lies and negativity..This therefore has meant that I have had to take a certain path..

I had a good time last night, around sweet friends. My original plan went to pot cos a mate let me down at the last minute, which I was disappointed about but luckily, I managed to hear from another mate who was out and about and so, joined up with them for a pub crawl and then dancing.

I met the wonderful actress who plays Shaun's girlfriend in 'This is England'. She was at the club night and I approached her in the toilets, remarking on how good the film was and indeed, that I thought she played the part of his girlfriend really well. She was a sweetheart and very friendly!

Today I came across this meditation. It's a Buddhist meditation and chant and is truly lovely and sort of takes the mind away for me, I think the Buddhist centre is calling me this week for the Friday meditation.. Anyway, see what you think and I hope you enjoy this link..

Saturday, March 07, 2009

New Mindset and Surveillance

Mindsets? Interesting how we get caught in patterns of mindset and if we refuse to change them then we stay with what we are used to rather than challenging ourselves or situations we find ourselves in.

For me, this means moving forward and onwards, making a mental wish list and if this isn't granted then move aside. Sounds fair enough to me and in a way, a good way to move forward in life from now on.

Marrakech? Seriously thinking of booking a flight - almost did it last night but got sidetracked and then I was too tired to be bothered. If I do go, it means being a lone traveller I think. A mate has exporessed an interest to come with me but nothing is set in stone and in some ways, I'm pretty happy to go it alone to be perfectly honest and plus, it's a good way to meet fellow travellers along the way which is always a good thing in my opinion...I've always DREAMED about seeing marrakech so yes, I need to make that dream a reality really don't I?

Hoping to see some good friends tonight and catch up cos it's been a long time and I'm eager to share time with them and catch up.

The police are sureveilling protestors, I guess I'm in their databank beings as though I've been attending randon protests since the early 90s. Great stuff and just reinforces the simple fact that NO we DO NOT live ina democracy. we may think we do and we may be made to believe that we do but seriously, we really do not.