Saturday, December 31, 2005

Plants and global warming

Earlier today, I was listening to a discussion on Radio 4 about the effects global warming is having on plants. The discussion was based at Kew Gardens in London and focussed on an interview with a gardener there. He was discussing about the changes to growth in plants and that certain plants were already growing buds although this isn't supposed to happen until spring.
This in some respects, is a visible sign of the consequences of global warming. I've noticed in my own garden that my roses still have buds on them and new shoots are appearing on their main stem.
This change really concerns me. I would really hate to go to a time in the future where there were no visible changes in the seasons. I actually really love the differences in our seasons, indeed they're a natural cycle to our life and add meaning to life in many ways.
Symbolically too, seasons represent ourselves and our own life cycle in many ways. If I think of myself and relate me to the seasonal cycle, I'm at a crossover period of seasons. I'm at late summer moving very slowly into autumn. I'm still a fertile woman, if you take biology into the equation although I won't be having more children. I still feel full of life, have a pretty good amount of energy - a source that is representative of the sun and the fires of passion are still burning. (Although when speaking of passion, I would argue this continues for many people, in different aspects, throughout their lives.)
So, if global warming continues at the rate it is now, what will the long term effect on us, as human beings, really be? How will it effect our own life cycle? These are all questions that I have no answer too, but that concern me deeply.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

What is love?

Hello people! I hope you all had a happy Xmas. Over the last few months I've been pondering the meaning of love. Well actually I've been pondering the meaning of love abd life since I was five years old come to think of it!
Love definition = deep affection or fondness/sexual passion.. This definition does not go into the different depths of love a person can feel on many different levels. I would like to go into this in more detail and explain what I mean.
Take the loss of my mother for example, I have never felt that sort of pain in my life. This is a pain that reaches right down, deep in the pit of your stomach and crawls up to your throat! This is obviously because of the love felt for my Mother but also the emotional grief that arises from that loss.
On another level, true love in the relationship sense of the word, is an unconditional feeling. It's a feeling that causes you deep sorrow when you say goodbye to that person. It's a feeling that is almost electric when the person you love touches you. It's a feeling that doesn't need words to express emotion..the eyes, in this sort of love, are the main communicator. Indeed in this sort of love, their happiness, is your happiness. On another level, love can be more of a surface doesn't quite reach the depths required to totally fulfill your needs.
I have experienced many levels of love in my life but I think I've only felt deep, true love once.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Works out for Christmas!!

Hooray!! I finally broke up from work today for 2 whole weeks. Thats the perk of being an F.E Teacher I suppose. Although my last day at work was exceptionally boring, with no xmas spirit in my office whatsoever!! I'd much rather have clocked off at 1.00pm and headed off to the pub with a load of colleagues and had a good old drink and gab and actually feel like it's a special time. The day consisted of me and some colleagues moving office furniture around! Great!
Haven't got alot planned for the festive season. Normally I'd do a winter solstice celebration tomorrow but I'm not really in the mood for that after the death of my Mum. I'll light a candle though in her memory tomorrow night and may even get a fire going in the garden with some mulled wine to warm the cockles!!
I may even try to head off to the Peak District - one of my favourite parts of the world for some solace! One thing's for sure, I definitely want to go and see Narnia! I read that book years ago and found it magical then. So I reckon the film may bring a little winter magic into my imagination for Christmas, despite some of the bad reviews it's had. Yes, I think Christmas Eve will be spent away in fantasy land at the cinema!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My head and heart hurts

Well my day has left me with a sore head and heart...really sore!! Don't know why it feels so sore but I think it ranges from sadness to hopelessness. I suppose I'm just having a day where everything seems at a weird point, regarding human emotions!! Ignore will pass.

Donnie Darko and emotions

Well, I showed this fantastic film to a group of students today. It was enjoyed by all and their remarks that followed, was both interesting and enlightening about how people read this film.
Donnie Darko is a truly emotive film, in my opinion. I came away from the session feeling that alot had been achieved in the sense that the group of students had discussed the film really well and each had their own conclusive thoughts. I also came away from the session feeling somewhat spaced out, on another planet. almost!
This film taps into areas of the brain that I feel are not often tapped into, a sort of ancient emotion of times gone by. I can't quite explain this feeling but it gives a slight pain behind the ear region and on the lumpy part at the back of the head - some part of the brain cortex I imagine. For example the area of the brain known as the temporal lobe which finds itself concerned with perception and recognition of auditory stimuli (hearing) and memory (hippocampus).I don't know a whole lot about the brain butI believe the emotive side of the brain, can be felt on a physical plane. Anyway thats my heavy ranting for today!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Violence to women continues

After reading the Weekend section of The Guardian today, it proves what I have been arguing about over the last 10 years of my life, through my time at college and Social Policy degree days! Kathy Viner portrayed this evidence clearly and added numerous photos of women that have been killed over the last year in the UK. Indeed women are much more likely to get abused, maimed or killed at the hands of their male partners compared to men killed by women.
These same men are often given short sentences for such crimes. Again, a fault of the law system in this country and an underrepresentation of women judges.
The added sadness about this article, is the amount of children that have lost their mothers and who probably never had much time to get to know their mothers properly. I really feel for these children, as I lost my Mum two weeks agao and this pain is one that cannot be healed by a magic drug. It will be a gnawing eternal pain throughout my life and undoubtedly throughout the lives of these poor children.
It makes you really wonder about the mentality of some of the men that commit these crimes. Not that I am immune to this, I work in probation hostels with some serious criminals. I have patience, understanding and treat these people with humanity and empathy. But still when I read the article today it made me cringe and reminded me that I'm probably teaching some of these perpetrators.
All of this made me think about society itself and the feminist arguements around power and domination. Indeed the power struggles women and men have both on a professional and domestic level.
What do I think is the solution to ending violence against women? Well, my irrational, angry self wants to commit some sort of painful torture to these men! But my kinder,empathetic, rational self wants to understand, reason and try to change this violence that continues to kill women needlessly!

Friday, December 09, 2005

I love birthdays

I love birthdays! People always make the mistake of thinking that you really have to go over the top with regards to having fun. This was my experience last weekend whilst out on my friend's birthday night. We watched 3 bands, got slowly drunk on our stash of handbag vodka and decided to head to a club that we frequent on very rare occasions.
Along the way we met a lovely guy, who was busking with his guitar. My friend fancied him, so I made every attempt to invite him to the club so she could maybe have some fun.Sadly, he was going home to his girlfriend, which was bit of a birthday blow for my mate!
Once in the club we danced to 80s and 90s music. My mate was on a mad mission regarding her dancing - so I left her to it! She returned a while later to shout
"who the fuck is that fit bastard?"
That fit bastard was one fairly drunk and incoherent god of a man. Now, looks are great, but the head of the person is where it's at for me. She went on all night about how she was as jealous as fuck and that could she have him. I kindly made an offer of her, to this godlike male, but he wasn't having any of it under them dark wavy locks!
We all ended up having a great deal of fun, but the moral of the night for me was, although this guy was stunningly beautiful and indeed Eros himself - he hardly had a word to say about anything!! I'm putting this quietness down to the sheer fact that alcohol and drugs do strange things to people.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Six Feet Under, family and friends are my saviour!

Well four days after my mother's death. What a weird feeling.I've helped sort out all the bureacratic type stuff that needs sorting. I've picked the coffin and off to pick the flowers tonight.
Yesterday and Tuesday were Bad, Bad days. Thanks Barnze for preparing me mentally for those days. Your words have been really appreciated.
Now, this may sound weird, but whilst all this sadness has being going on around me, I have been somewhat comforted by certain episodes of Six Feet Under appearing in my head. Indeed yesterday whilst at the Funeral Directors business, I couldn't help comparing it to the business of the Fishers! I'd much rather have the Fisher's to be dealing with my mothers death. Indeeed they seem to be less business orientated and more empathetic and compassionate. I'm not saying that the one we chose to use isn't empathetic..but it just didn't feel as comforting as the home and atmosphere of the Fishers residence. There were no tissues on the desk for example and the woman dealing with the funeral was nowhere as compassionate as Nate or David. Indeed nowhere near as sexy as Nate!! He would be enough to take your mind off sad things!
The room that we discussed our needs in, was a small cramped office! OK we had a complementary cup of coffee, but so we should for the fuckin price they charge for burials.
My Dad made me laugh out loud about his own wishes to be buried in a biodegradable cardboard box! Non of this 'expensive nonsense' were his words!! My siblings were all almost wetting themselves in disbelief!We then went on to discuss green burials,to be told that a wicker coffin costs £600!!! My Dad continued with.."I better start weaving my own now" more laughter. How I love my Dad for his 'no nonsense' sense of humour! I suppose thats how we should cope with death. To see humour and light amongst all the sadness.
I've also been comforted greatly by going out last night with some really good, caring friends. They forced me out for a curry, with copious amounts of wine. We all ended up extremely hammered and by the end of the night my smiles and laughter had returned. Indeed these people are the sort of friends that I now realise are true, caring friends, who realised I needed to get out and in some way turn my attentions away from shock and sadness.
Today I feel rather lifted in my self. I felt a warm sensation when I placed my Mums old ring on my finger. Maybe her spirit is there around me just like the souls that pass through each episode of Six Feet Under!! Alan Ball IS a genius!

Monday, November 28, 2005

A sad day but a life to be remembered.

Well, I never thought I'd be faced with the death of my mother so soon. Sadly she passed away unexpectadly yesterday. I'm still comprehending it all and reflecting on so many things right now.
I wrote this poem last night in betwen my tears,I just felt that I had to get something down in writing. It sums up what my mother meant to me.

For my Mum.

A rock
Is what you were to me
Solid and strong
In my times of misery.

The sun
Is what you were to me
Warm, happy
who let me be free.

The Earth
Is what you were to me
Nurturing, grounded
Your judgment never clouded.

All these things to me,
Are you
They'll live in my memory
Strong and true.

Friday, November 18, 2005

How not to treat a cold!

Well, I'm still trying to get over this shitty flu type thing. I thought it would be a good idea to go out last night for a hot, spicy curry in my local, favourite curry house. The theory behind this being, that a hot curry would hopefully cure my fluey thing. So I met my mates and started off with a few vodkas to kick start the curing process. I then moved on to Baileys, as this seems a winter type drink, with whisky in and therefore has some medicinal value. I then knocked back a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon accompanied by a hot vegetable Chana Zarl and cheese and chilli nan bread.
By this time, the female conversation turned into drunken debauched tales of female erotic experiences, at a tone easily that would've shocked the diners at the table the furthest away!!I even recommended that a dear friend should send her story to Nancy Friday!! We were told on at least 4 occassions to lower the least until our fellow diners left the restaurant!! I laughed hilariously all night and felt miraculously better. Even my friends commented on my voice sounding better and yes, that I had fully recovered from this cold!! He He He, what a wake up call I had this morning!! My f'n head kills, I'm full of mucus and I feel absolutely shite!! The moral of the story for me is you can't treat a cold with copious amounts of alcohol or spices!! Unless karma is responsible for my suffering!!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

What planet are some fuckers on!!

After watching Newsnight last night, it reminded of how divided the planet is. Some company in the US is trying to sell wind up powered laptops to Africa. Now, at first I thought what a great idea! But then my cynical alter ego stepped in to remind me 'why the fuck am I getting drawn into this'. OK I'm all for wind-up laptops from an environmental level, but shouldn't schools and Aids treatment be a more urgent necessity?
After further debate about this on Newsnight, it seems that the best way forward for spending money on developing countries is to invest in healthcare, education and the countries much needed infrastructure. It makes me sick to the stomach to see how wasteful and consuming the west in comparison to poorer countries has become. Indeed the west has it's own issues of wealth divide that I find hard to digest on a daily level!
Well, thought I'd found a new friend to go art gallerying and cafes with, but I've ruined that glimmer of hope! So I think I'll just have to go out with my mad friends on a mad red wine and curry night. At least that will add the flames to my feminist passions and political desires.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sometimes you really fuck up!! Thank God I'm on strike tomorrow

Well I've really made a big fuck up today...sometimes I just find it so hard to trust people and their motives. Because of this I end up saying stupid things. To the person who I write this to, and you know who you are, I'm sorry about my fuck up!! It's also made me realise that there's something inherently wrong with the job that I the sense that I tend to assume the negative and have become more and more cynical as the years have passed on!! Anyway I hope you read this ...and accept my apologies with big hugs :(

I'm also supposed to be on strike tomorrow in defence of FE teachers getting a fairer pay deal..which is well below that of school teachers..and receives much lower funding.
At the moment though I'm coming down with a bad case of what i reckon is flu or sadness!! I reckon I'll be spending the day in the sack tomorrow if this flu persists!

Anarchy on Question Time - I like it!!Men that need re-educating

Well after a tired day yesterday and after the domestic duties of motherhood were complete, I sat down to watch the real first bit of TV (apart from Eastenders of course!) And my God did Question Time prove well worth watching!! Rhona Cameron was really funny and managed to really make me laugh - Bollox was used on at least 3 occasions to MPs. It restored my faith in radicalism a little.
However, that honeymoon period was shortly lived!! After reading posts on an unnamed forum it makes me shudder to think of some of the men that walk this planet. Not only are some of them complete misogynists, they're all completely unaware of the issues faced by many women regarding equality, sex issues etc...they haven't got a clue about feminism. Is that what the 2000s are about? How far have women really come with regards to feminism? To be continued!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I just can't be bothered today!!

You ever had one of those days where you just can't be arsed with anything? Well, that's my experience of living on planet Earth today! I've even come home from work early today because I just can't be arsed!! Hmm when's the next full moon due? Maybe the forces of the magical moon are pulling at my body into that lunacy phase! Although checking on google, the invaluable search engine, it states that the moon is only 68% full...oh dear..bad news for that theory then!! I must remind myself though that this does happen to me a few days of the month and probably due to the anatomy of the female body! I'm gonna do a long swim tomorrow and that should do the trick...water therapy always does it for me!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Internet addict Sara

Well what a windy and cold November day feels like autumn is definitely here! I love the strength in the wind this time of the year!
Well, I've decided I have serious addiction to the internet! and it's such fun! Downloaded some good music from megadogsoundsystem
and it reminded me of my mad allnighter there a year or so ago!! This is putting me in the mood for Saturday night..getting excited and ready to dance like a mad'n!!
Today was like any other work day, although I had a new student working with me.
Well not much excitement - still sick of the TV and decided an internet addiction is more fruitful than vegging out in front of a shite TV!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Family, friends and contemplation

Had a lovely weekend if not a bit hectic and tiring! It was good see a few friends, however, I realise guests can be a bit selfish at times and act like they're in a 4 star hotel - bless 'em!Not that I haven't already got loads to do regarding domestic stuff!! I mean it would help if someone offerred to wash the F'n pots!! argghh! I can feel another hulk sized rage coming on or maybe I'm just mentally unstable!!
Bonfire night turned into drunken mayhem, with some members of my family! My sister was more concerned about her new front room carpet! Not suprisingly though, as it was raining and muddy!My brother decided he was the font of all knowledge regarding fires! Plastics and fire DO NOT go together! Indeed he went on to burn an old plastic dustbin! The toxic fumes were worse than Bhopal!! Maybe he's trying to kill me off early to get my non- existent millions! God! I sometimes wonder whether my brother is, who he actually says he is. But I do love him really!!And these words are really sent with endearing thoughts oh dear brother! Environmentally speaking, I was PISSED OFF with his actions! See, thats what 8 bottles of Kronenborg do to people!I'm still contemplating people's motives in life and find it interesting, if not tragic, that you can be so close to someone one minute and then so far away. But then that's me for you!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Ain't life funny!

Sometimes you wonder what life is all futile it can be. The meeting of minds can be abolished by the touch of buttons on a small battery operated device. Call me an old fashioned girl or something if you like!
Loyalty, friendship and honesty are my policy - not empty words. Words have their meanings and when people use their energies to express feelings I consider this to be special and sincere..I guess everybody is different and do not have the same virtues. The more I remember this the better..That's my rant for a wet and dull, November Sunday! Although the wind is proving healthy and blowing away a bit of sadness.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

God am I hungover!! Heavy rock rage!!

Well I went out on a rare visit to see a 3 heavy rock bands last night. Musically, these bands were great and played really well together. Furthermore, each of the bands had female lead vocals which was extremely refreshing to see in the world of male dominated heavy rock!!
However, 3 hours of heavy rock took its the form of extreme loud drunkeness! OK so this is a heavy rock thing and all that, but the music seemed to get louder whilst under the influence..I began to get what is known as 'Heavy Rock Rage!!' argggghhhhhhhh. I can handle 8 hours of dance music but 3 hours of heavy rock just topped me over the edge of insanity!I'm now feeling the pain of too much alcohol and being a rock chick for a night!!