Thursday, June 29, 2006

Strange Happenings

Just as I was about to go to bed tonight, I received an email from a very old friend from Copenhagen, Denmark. The last time I spoke to him was probably back in 1992!! I was shocked that he'd managed to track me down, although he'd been in touch with an another friend, who'd given him my email address.

The funniest was, he chatted about a guest book he used to have way back in 1989 and had come across it again and wanted to contact certain people from that period. Dear me, I remember clearly writing in that guest book! My writing went along the lines of something like this...

'Sailing down the river on a beautiful day, admiring all the sounds and sights around me. Thanks to my Danish friends for showing me such beauty'

This particular day I remember clearly..A group of us had decided to catch the train to a huge lake in Sorgenfri/Lyngby and hire out a boat to sail on and then go for a picnic on a small island. We ate, we played, we laughed, we dreamed, we drank, we shared our fears and our utopian thoughts...Indeed, this was a wonderful day and made me so happy to be living in Denmark.

This time in my life was wonderful;carefree, fun, happy, loving, sharing, exciting, creative and ecstatic at times. I'm so glad I experienced these feelings so early on in my life.

So, what's to be with my friend? Lots of catching up to do I reckon about our own lives, kids, families, etc etc, and a fair few giggles about how we may've changed, physically and mentally in our lives.

Festivals are upon us

Ups and downs, highs and lows, one things for sure, I'm getting excited about a small festival in a few weeks time. I love festivals - they're just the business!
Off to the Global Peace Village Gathering just outside of Nottinghamshire - Lincolnshire area. Still haven't got my shit together with my ticket but sending off for it tomorrow! Let's hope I'm not too late :(

Festivals are the spirit that keeps your heart beating through the summer months. Every festival I've been to has always had its special, memorable moments. Glastonbury first time in 94, was a memorable one for me, cos I remember seeing Oasis when they were just getting big. I also remember loving the dance vibe there, that year. I also loved to see all the fence climbers pouring over the perimeter fences. 94 was indeed a packed out year but the atmosphere was one to die for I can tell ya!! I also remember losing my sense of direction and for the life of me couldn't find my tent - it took me about 3 hours to find it.

Canterbury Festival 2004 was another fab memory - the dance tent was out of this world with a great line up. I spent most of my time on another planet, me and my mate drank the Sangria tent dry, even though we were stall holders!! We met some wonderful, friendly people that year in the local pub on the first night an remained friends with these guys right the way through the festival.

Glasto 2005 - What can I say? Blew me away!!The dance field was enormous and all of them beautiful flags blowing softly in the wind. The Hare Krishna tent was an emotional and enlightening awakening for me. I cried in there to the chants and the atmosphere!
Lost Vagueness? Wow - what a vibe, what a crowd, what a bloody great time - 6am and I was still up for it!

So I await the small, low key, local festival with the same anticipation and festival angst and energy, one always feels at a festival!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Sometimes in life we try so hard and indeed believe in, attaining the things we so desire. This can come in the form of material goods, love, friendship etc.

Sometimes in life, trying, hoping, believing and loving is simply not good enough; It just doesn't get you anywhere. Indeed we have to accept that trying, believing, hoping and loving sometimes has to left on the much as, we still love, hope, desire, try.

I remember my Mum used to say this funny phrase when I was younger..

'You can't fit a round door in a square hole'.

How true is that?

In other words you have to face up to your inabilities, loss and learn from this; somehow, take a different path for the time being.

A sad, if not contemplative, thought for this day...

Monday, June 26, 2006

Training courses and disruption awakenings

Why is it, that when people like teachers, ie. ME, attend training courses, they become disruptive?
I've spent the whole day and another 4 days to come, on an ILT training course. OK on some level I've been a model student but as time passed by today, the urge of feeling disruptive appeared in my sad brain! Not in a naughty sense of the word but just to provoke a laugh in the rest of the class!
One incident in particular, had me laughing hysterically. We'd all split into groups and one group had to do a presentation on mobile phone technology and the advanatages of texting! All good and true!
However, when it came to the disadvantages of texting, I laughed out loud when one of the disadvantages was 'can cause addiction in folks'!! Fucking laugh my arse off I did, at this one. For some reason, I found this hilariously funny.
Furthermore, by the last hour of the session I was lolling(lying around) all over my computer chair. No upright to attention, for this girl. No, I was sucking the end of my pen (nice), lolling over brand new chairs, surfing the web secretly whilst the teacher was talking and whispering to a colleague whilst the teacher was talking. What a nightmare I am as a student!! has been pretty lightweight on the disruptive front, although I do fear, it's gonna get worse as the days pass by....

I could kick myself

Sometimes in life you really want to kick yourself. That's been my thoughts now for the last few days, not in a beating myself up sort of way but just in a wishing sort of way.

1. I really need to learn how to be more patient.
2. I wish I'd have said so many things of more meaningful importance, whilst sharing time with my beloved one on Thursday.
3. I wish I wasn't so flippant at times.
4. I wish my brain worked a little faster and thought of these things whist 'in the moment' rather than 'on reflection'.
5. I have so much I want to say but find it hard at times and then I miss my chance to say it for ages!
6. I want to lie in bed for a whole day, soaking up so many things...SOON!! 2 weeks on Friday is indeed a good time for this. Poor me, I'm on a training course this week, including Friday and then a development day next Friday..arggghhhhhhhh

Sunday, June 25, 2006

My love affair with Reggae

For some reason today, I've had a few Bob Marley tunes in my head. The first tune was 'Waiting in Vain' and the second was 'Natural Mystic'. Both of these songs stem from the Exodus album, one of my favourite Bob Marley albums. As a teenager, I was wild about reggae and all things associated with it! My collection of reggae consisted of;

Bob Marley
Yellowman - misogynist that he is though!
Sly and Robbie
Gregory Issacs
Linton Kwesi Johnson
Peter Metro
The Naturalites
Clint Eastwood and Genral Saint
Sly and Robbie

To name a few!

I remember my first ever all nighter when I was 15 years old at the old Palais in Nottingham. The upstairs was reggae focussed; Rastafarians, ganja, hats, heavy bass, high!!The downstairs was funk focussed.
I was underage in this club but luckily, my older sister was looking after me, as my Mum and Dad were on holiday and she decided that I'd be better going with her to an allnighter, than staying 'alone home'. Thank fuck for her wise insightful thoughts!

I remember loving this night and the music so much so, that it's influenced my music taste continually throughout my life.

Summer senses

Open your ears up in the summer and what do you hear? All I've heard today are the songs of birds, rustle of trees and leaves, splashing and flowing of water and children's laughter and happiness.

How lovely is that?

Wow, it enables you to appreciate the simple, pleasantries in life.

Happy listening!!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Life's looking up

Well, it's been a better week this week and things are definitely moving up. I had a beautiful evening on Thursday and really didn't want the night to end..indeed my thoughts keep wondering back to this night, bringing a warm smile to my face and a glow in my heart.These sort of nights are so special and really tug at my heartstrings. The simplicity of sharing common interests, music, books, feelings and warmth with another, are what make life so worthwhile. I really hope I will relive a night like this again soon. Indeed I'd much rather share a night like this in many ways, than a mad raucous night out, getting wasted!!

Last night I went to see the Banco gig, which was great and as always, quite a spiritual experience. The visuals were really thought provoking and used wisely. In many ways, it's refreshing to see musicians using images with meaning and not just some 'psychaedelic trippy image'.
By this, I mean images that have a conscience; politics surrounding the oil industry, environmental issues, consumerism, religious and cultural tolerance, negative effects of the beauty industry on people and most poignantly, the future of life for humans on the planet. Questionning where we're heading as people and as societies in the future. All of these images really left you thinking about so many of these issues.

I feel like life's changing and positively moving at the moment which feels rather refreshing and exciting all the same.

A beautiful eve

A beautiful eve
To be with you
Look out your window
Admire the view.
Contemplate life
Old and new.
Sharing thoughts
Troubled and true.
Kiss of your lips
Truly divine.
Soft, giving, sensual
Heady as wine.
Feel your warmth
Unfold with mine.
Poetical beauty
I await your time.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Happy Summer Solstice

Falling on or about June 22nd, the Summer Solstice is a time of light and of fire. It is a time to reflect upon the growth of the season: the seeds that were planted in the earth and the seeds planted in our souls. It is a time of cleansing and renewal. It is a time of love and growth as well.

As the sun spirals its longest dance,
Cleanse us
As nature shows bounty and fertility
Bless us
Let all things live with loving intent
And to fulfill their truest destiny

Solstice, Midsummer or Litha means a stopping or standing still of the sun. It is the longest day of the year and the time when the sun is at its maximum elevation.

This date has had spiritual significance for thousands of years as humans have been amazed by the great power of the sun. The Celts celebrated with bonfires that would add to the sun’s energy, Christians placed the feast of St John the Baptist towards the end of June and it is also the festival of Li, the Chinese Goddess of light.

Like other religious groups, Pagans are in awe of the incredible strength of the sun and the divine powers that create life. For Pagans this spoke in the Wheel of the Year is a significant point. The Goddess took over the earth from the horned God at the beginning of spring and she is now at the height of her power and fertility. For some Pagans the Summer Solstice marks the marriage of the God and Goddess and see their union as the force that creates the harvest’s fruits.

This is a time to celebrate growth and life but for Pagans, who see balance in the world and are deeply aware of the ongoing shifting of the seasons it is also time to acknowledge that the sun will now begin to decline once more towards winter.

When celebrating midsummer Pagans draw on diverse traditions. In England thousands of Pagans and non-Pagans go to places of ancient religious sites such as Stonehenge and Avebury to see the sun rising on the first morning of summer. Many more Pagans hold small ceremonies in open spaces, everywhere from gardens to woodlands.

So Happy Solstice out there all of you.

I'm also sending loving energy, hope and peace to a beautiful friend, whom I adore and love so much (P.G.) xxx

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Change is as good as the rest!

Well had a pretty heavy month or so due to domestic, homelife stuff, which I ain't gonna go into. However, the lyrics that keep appearing in my head go along the lines of
'Cos I'm free to do what I want, any old time' Ok, not any old time cos I have kids but a sense of freedom is now filling my head!

As a favourite poet of mine on LL forum states,

"you have to have the courage of your convictions"

True and insightful words from one who knows what he's talking about, even though it may take a bloody long while to feel strong enough to really get there, you do finally get there in the end!

Confused?? I'm not! Oh no,no, no, I look forward to what's really awaiting me now....

Bored as Hell!!

Well, I'm pretty sick of this football son wants to watch it, so it means I'm spending time in the upper quarters,of my house!ie. the bedroom. Hmm if!!... I'll keep that thought to myself for today!!
I've decided to read an old favourite book of mine again - The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I read this book years ago and loved her style of writing, indeed it flows so well..I've already read chapter one and already I'm hooked again!! So I'm all things lost in book for the moment.

I wish...............

To see your face would be a delight
Whilst I'm out on Friday night
To feel your touch would be a pleasure
The wonder of lost, but found treasure.
To hear your voice would be like honey
I'd laugh, a smile so bright and funny.
To look into your eyes, my heart set on fire
Magical journey, a mountain, elevating me higher.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Buddhist thoughts.

I've recently started re-reading a book by the Dalai Llama - Ancient Wisdom, Modern World. I've always been really fascinated and indeed 'enlightened' by Buddhism as a belief system. I'm particularly enjoying the chapter on the 'Individual and Ethics' especially so, because it discusses negative emotions and how they can be harmful to us.
Indeed most of us, during times in our life experience negative emotion. In Tibetan, negativity and emotional events are known as 'nyong mong' meaning 'that which afflicts from within'; afflictive emotion.

"All those thoughts, emotions and mental events which reflect a negative state of mind, inevitably undermine our experience of inner peace.. All negative thoughts and emotions such as hatred, anger, pride, lust, greed, envy and so on - are considered to be afflictions in this sense....we may find that these afflictive emotions are so strong that, if we do nothing to counter them, they can lead us to a point of desperation...indeed negative thoughts and emotions are what obstruct our most basic aspiration - to be happy and avoid suffering."

In times of chaos and destruction it's sometimes worth thinking about this. In many ways, when I feel negative, angry or lash out at others or myself, I'm actually causing more damage and suffering to myself in the long run.
Therefore, although difficult at times, it can be refreshing to stop and think about ourselves and how precious and delicate we all are as people; we need to step back and remind ourselves that it's not easy living in these times of hatred, war, violence and oppression but we can help ourselves by not being too hard on ourselves or others. The inner source of all of us, will then have more clarity and peace of mind.
We also need to remember, that there is a lot of love out there in this world too, and indeed as humans, we all deserve to be nurtured like a flower and loved, if we're not nurtured, then the delicate flower will slowly wilt and die rather than blossom.

A message

Today I feel rather at peace, don't know why, can't explain it. All I know is love conquers so many things. Indeed it lets you forgive a person, for whatever pain or hurt they may at the time, not realise they are inflicting.
I also know that I have to let my love find his way and choose his destiny and path in life, without my interference. I have to act selflessly and let him contemplate life's future.
I'm always here for him despite any wrongdoings he feels he may've caused. Indeed just thinking of the 'true' him brings a lovely smile to my face and a warm feeling in my heart.
On a philosophical level, I like to believe that people are sent to each other for different reasons in life. Whether it be a learning experience, a loving experience, an awakening, a insightful experience, these meetings of minds are all sent to us to help in our life's learning and reason for being here.
That's my thoughts for this Monday. Have a peaceful day out there.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sara's Ten Commandments

Beings as though it's a Sunday, I thought this list was quite apt!Hope you like it!

1. Thou shalt not go out when strapped of cash.
2. Thou shalt not drink cheap Vodka, as an alternative to Smirnoff.
3. Thou shalt not get wasted when feeling fed up and cry like a lunatic.
4. Thou shalt not eat kebabs and chips when wasted.
5. Thou shalt not try to prevent conflict amongst angry pissed up men, in one of the most dangerous cities in the UK.
6. Thou shalt not cry on the bus whilst wasted.
7. Thou shalt continue to avoid eye contact with letchy pissed up men, in dodgy bars. My heart is reserved.
8. Thou shalt not send unwanted emails, texts etc, when sober or pissed.
9. Thou shalt avoid falling into a fantasy world, especially when going to bed.
10.Thou shalt not shout at mates when they something you don't want to hear.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Here I go again

Well, me again, bored on this Friday and sick to the back teeth of being skint! Can't afford to do anything at the moment which really pisses me off, especially when I go to work in a so called' professional' job! It really takes the piss! Sometimes I think to myself, I should've done what my brother did and becaome self-employed! Maybe I'd be financially better off than I am now!
Anyway less of this moaning about money, many more people are alot worse off than me, with alot more to worry about and indeed different worries than I have right now.At least I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a bike to get me around!
I think in my case, I've just been rather flippant with money over the last few months, indeed paying for my cottage stay is going to take a large chunk of my salary from my next wage, but goddamit, I deserve a fucking holiday!
Been for a gorgeous swim today, my it was so refreshing and lovely to be in an empty pool of cold water. Totally takes my head off to another planet I can tell you!
I've been brave today, I won't say why, but I await. Don't know if I've done the right thing but time will tell.

Can't wait for next week and the Banco gig, I'm just so excited! I'm getting that manic feeling now just thinking about the music and dancing! Thank the Gods and Godesses for wine and music! Where would we be without this in our lives, I ask?

Friday thoughts

Here I am on this Friday, still not sleeping very well, woke up today at 5.45am!! So unlike me to keep these recurring patterns of waking up early. Feels like there's a strange sense of something in the air, don't quite know what but I keep on feeling like something is going to happen!
Anyway, been listening to Van Morrison quite a bit recently. Never really been a huge fan of Van Morrison, mainly because I get sick of hearing 'Brown Eyed Girl'when I've been to certain bars or clubs!! Granted he's a good singer and songwriter but he's just doesn't hit my core like Jeff Buckley does.
Anyway, I borrowed 'Magic Time' from a student who I teach, in one of the probation hostels and loving quite a few tracks on this album, especially 'Stranded', 'Celtic New Year', 'Gypsy in my Soul', 'The Lion this time' and 'Magic Time'. Beautiful songs and lyrics that I'm actually liking.

I’m stranded at the edge of the world
It’s a world I don’t know
Got no where to go
Feels like I’m stranded

And I’m stranded between that ol’
devil and the deep blue sea
And nobody’s gonna tell me, tell me
what, what time it is

Everyday, everyday, it’s hustle,
hustle time, hustle time
Everyday and every way, one more, one more mountain to climb

It’s leaving me stranded
In my own little island
With my eyes open wide
But I’m feeling stranded

Every, every, everyday, it’s hustle time
Every way, one more mountain to climb

I’m stranded between the devil and the deep blue sea
There ain’t no where else to be
‘Cept right here and I’m stranded

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Summer time

Looking forward to July as I have planned a few good things for the summer. I'm off to Harlech in Wales with my son to stay in a cottage for a week. I look forward to return to Harlech, as it's quite an enchanting place. The cottage is also situated right near Harlech Castle, on top of the hill.
The beach out there is also beautiful; pure white sand and lovely sea with loads of dunes! I love beaches that have nothing around them apart from nature. I'm afraid I'm not one of them people who likes promenade type seaside towns, instead, I get a real buzz from the natural coastline and the nature that surrounds it.
I'm also pondering whether to take a few days and head up to Anglesey, as it's a place I've always wanted to go to. I may well head to a youth hostel and make the most of being in North Wales.

I've also semi planned to go to a festival near Lincoln;just a cheapish affair with local bands and a dance area. Always need a dance tent me, to really let it go!Also found out that you can have fires which is just fab, as I love outdoor fires! There's nothing better than huddling up near a fire, in the dark, on a summer's or for that matter, winter's night!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The times they are a changing

I must apologise to anyone who reads my blog and gets fed up of it being fairly emotional. Saying that, I did create the blog as a personal journal, as I'm at a weird point in my life. So in many ways, it's intention is being fulfilled and this writing is surely working on a cathartic level.
The last few days have been extremely emotional. I've been getting upset throughout the day and have felt literally, like everything is piling up on top of me. I spent most of yesterday getting upset at random points; on the bus to work, whilst teaching, when back at home, on sleeping, on waking.Sounds bloody depressing, I know! I think, in many ways, this is the result of opening my heart by writing poems and reevaluating stuff in my last blog post;This has stirred up alot of emotion in me. I don't see crying bas a bad thing though, crying's a way of dealing with raw emotion and letting it out so to speak...a bit like purging in some strange sense.
I await the day when I can sit back and feel like someone is truly nurturing, caring and deeply loving me. I'm not going to search for it though, it'll come to me if it's supposed to.
I do feel there's light in the distance and good times are coming to me, hence the title of my rant today. Good old Bob Dylan, I love some his songs.

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

Love to all of you caring compassionate souls out there - you make the world a beautiful place.xx

Sunday, June 11, 2006

One woman's start of a story....

Once upon a time, there lived a young woman who wanted to experience life and all it had to offer. Along the way though, other responsibilities came into place such as children and motherhood. Anyway, as the mother of her first child, she was a committed, dedicated mother with mountains of love to give.
With the birth of the second child, the story was a little different. Throughout the pregnancy she experienced conflict and lack of appreciative support from her partner. Because of this, she became aggressive and mistrustful, suspicious inside and thought people were being nasty, when in actual fact, her mind was playing tricks on her and her hormones were raging. All she really wished for was the loving support of the boyfriend. She'd go to bed alone wishing her partner would be there with her to share her daily stories, experiences and love. This was not forthcomimg.
One day, whilst in a cafe, she felt the most strange urge to 'lash out' at a stranger because of his perceived bad opinion. Luckily, she refrained from this violent act, but it taught her a truth; a truth about where her head was and the emotional pressure and stress she was enduring.
On New Year's Eve, before the child was born, she experienced awful conflict with the partner even though she was 8 months pregnant. Through discussion though and hope, this conflict was resolved although, the mother felt a sense of mistrust and resentment from now on.
Over the years, the conflict was buried but reared its ugly head, mainly, when the partner or herself had been drinking.
As time went by, the mother started to feel unloved and neglected. She endured night after night of lonely sleeping, when deep down inside, all she wanted was to share a loving, caring relationship with a soulmate; she felt as though her passion and depth were being supressed and stifled.
Luckily though, she was a strong character who ensured she experienced fun in life. Fun in life now meant, time with her friends and escaping her home life on some subconscious level. Offers from interested men became apparent over time, even though she was still dedicated to the son of her father, the last thing she wanted to do was upset and indeed, hurt anyone.
She met a friend at work who indicated a liking for her; She refused.
She met a friend at college who indicated a passion for her; she refrained, even though, she quite liked this person. Indeed, to her, she still had hope and love for the son's father.
However, One evening she encountered a rather profound meeting with someone with whom she experienced a strange connection to. A connection that was difficult to comprehend. She tried to put off this person because of her situation, but he wouldn't have any of it. No, he really wanted to maintain some form of contact, even though she explained her situation. This person left a mark on her heart. She couldn't explain why but he just did. She felt as though she'd always known him and felt so comfortable in his presence; Because of these things, she contacted him again and arranged to meet him. The feelings seemed to be mutual.
On meeting her new friend again, she realised that she had extremely strong feelings for this person and she sensed that he did her.
However, complications and life seemed to prove the winner over affairs of these hearts, even though she'd encountered some of the most beautiful, deeply touching moments with this soul.
As time passed by, she'd randomly bump into her friend and share lovely, special, warm times. These times, however, were often all too short lived for her liking and replaced by destructive times, which she felt she had no control over, which in turn had a negative effect on her psyche and heart.
Deep down, she felt this was the person she really wanted to share everlasting times with but didn't know how to acquire this or indeed didn't want to put any pressure on anyone.The last time she saw this friend was truly magical but because of previous rejection, she did'nt know how to react afterwards to her friend; scared and fearful about further rejection.
To be continued...............

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Drop in the ocean

Umming and ahhing about the Drop in the Ocean event tomorrow in Nottingham. There's quite alot of stuff I'd like to see, mainly the acoustic and unplugged stuff to be honest, as I think this suits my mood more on a Sunday.
I've also been tempted to contact the friend whom I miss so much, to see if he'd like to meet up with me, as I know he loves and indeed, plays guitar music, but I'm worried as to what response I'll I'm in a dilemma as to what to do.
I suppose in all reality, I should wait and let him contact me if he really desires. Failing that, who knows, it'd be nice to think that I may bump into him unexpectadly some time soon. We'll see.

Afternoon blues

Today started off well. This afternoon has been hell. I come upstairs to my 'own space'to be bugged by my kids about wanting to go on the PC. Fair enough, I say but I've only been on it a bit today, this causes some right friction between me and my kids, I can tell you. YELL, SCREAM, SLAM, BANG!! Domestic Bliss!!
And another thing, they hang around me, in my personal space, ie, MY BEDROOM, when all I want is to read for 5 minutes! So the rage levels have soared. I need some solace, I really do.
And another thing,

I bloody miss you,
I bloody do,
I miss your smile,
I miss your fun,
I miss your humour,
You shine like the sun.

Weird feelings and Jose

What a beautiful, fine day it is today. Just a slight refrshing wind blowing strange thoughts in my direction. Can't explain the thoughts but they feel rather peaceful but also as though something's going to happen. Strange.
Been listening to a wonderful singer, songwriter recently, Jose Gonzalez. A dear friend Helen, put me onto the joy of Jose Gonzalez last year. She invited me to his gig, which sadly, I declined because of other commitments. I'm sad I never made the gig because his music is just touchingly beautiful;Beautifully suiting the way I feel on this beautiful summer's day.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Sunny Days

Well, today's a better one. Sorry for the miserable rant yesterday. I seriously need to get a grip and move on from this head space. So I've decided to look forward today and change a few things.

1. Limit cyberworld visits and get back into the real world, possibly giving up my frequent visits to a forum, that really, I need to withdraw from.
2. Go for a long swim today and enjoy my garden.
3. Get out there in the world and enjoy what I find.
4. Look forward to my Wales holiday in July.
5. Head to a cheap festival with my mate Anna in July.
6. Remember the nice times, erase the nasty times and forgive.
7. Remind myself that sometimes in life, people just aren't as 'in love' as you are, even though my gut feeling seems to tell me different.If it's 'real' then given time, my dream will come true.
8. Reaffirm my need to feel a deep love from someone that really loves and wants me.
9. Choose my friends wisely.
10.Remind myself that I may possibly be somewhat deluded at times.Who knows?

Thursday, June 08, 2006


Do you ever have them days where you feel just deflated? Well today's one of those. We all have them and I'm not gonna deny them...
Possible reasons...

1.The loss of my Mum last year
2.Missing my friend and his soul, on a daily basis.
2.Moon phase is 89% full.
3.Putting loads of energy into a really good project at work (different interactive workshops for vulnerable learners, which included:
DJ Skills, Construction, Engineering, Music Production, Beauty, Photography, Catering, Motor Vehicle maintenance,Creative Writing to name a few.
I've now been informed that the project has now been cancelled due to an SMT decision regarding a development week, which coicidentally, clashes with the day of my project!! Top-down management style there for you!

I wish dreams could come true but there's no use in wishing, I suppose.

Monday, June 05, 2006

The colour of memories

Just a few colours on my mind today!

Bad thoughts disintegrate,
Like dust settling elsewhere.
Alone, I remember the good
Thinking, if only 'we could'
Black and white are you
No in between shade or hue

You radiate a light so bright,
A heartfelt, melting smile.
Red, you burn through my heart
Blue, when we're apart..

Gold when I see your face
Gold when I'm in your space
Gold when I hear your voice
Gold you're my colour of choice.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Karma V Guilt?

Well, I've been ill with a summer type fluey thing for the last few days, so spending time watching the TV and Cybersurfing too much!!
I had such a laugh tonight watching My Name is Earl. I don't know if any of you are interested, or indeed watch this series but tonights was one of the funniest I've seen in quite a while. Earl decided to payback no.1 on his karma list. This entailed giving some money back to someone he had stolen from many years ago with a load of intricate diversions along the way.
Anyway, the reason I write about this is my interest in Karma. Is it true that 'Karma gets you in the end?' Or something has 'Bad Karma?'
Karma definition = Deeds or actions that have consequences. So in other words if I do something that causes harm, I'll sort of receive bad karma.
This principle in many ways is similar to the Wiccan belief of An harm none. In other words, 'Do as you will but don't harm anyone'.
These value systems I strongly believe in, rather than the Christian belief and value of guilt and repentence. Guilt, in my opinion, has a lot to answer for in the society we live in.
Guilt about: Food, alcohol, body image, consumerism, behaviour, exercise, etc etc.
In many ways, on a basic human level, surely it's better to practice an existence that enables us to believe that our actions should be of a positive, nurturing nature to others.In many ways guilt means that people badly beat themselves up about a lot of things, which in many ways is far too destructive for a person to endure. In contrast, those who don't treat us in a way that we'd like to be treated, simply means to me, that these people still need to reach some level of self-enlightenment and awareness.
Therefore, a better solution, in my opinion, is to accept our faults, downfalls, bad behaviours, etc and change them so we don't harm anyone or ourselves.
In this case, no-one will feel a bad sense of karma!
I think it's my bedtime now, after all that Karma talk!