Friday, October 31, 2008

Alone Beats

Alone- ness
Is the only way forward?
Towards self preservation..
Soul ressurection.
Do strive for -
Long and yearn for..
Anxiously waiting their turn for
Do they get out alive?
Does the storm carry them to calm waters?
Or turbulent forces?
Throughout THEIR life course/s?
Attachment love..
The recipe of happiness?
Does the heat build up?
Boil over, burn, explode!!
Dry out the stream of kindness?
Condemn the eyes to blindness -
Shrink the full heart..
To nothingness.
A beat that no longer pulsates
To connections
Pounds to an atomic necessity.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happy Samhain and Happy Birthday to my Dad

So, the Samhain will be with us tomorrow. Normally I make a pumpkin soup, fresh herb and garlic bread and chocolate cakes. This year though, I feel that my kids don't really appreciate and enjoy the soup as much as adults so hot dogs and gateau will be the eve meal for tomorrow night and I know they'll wolf this down. I also will cut out a pumpkin and light this outside for Jake to enjoy. I asked my son if he wanted to go trick and treating but he said, a quiet time at home chilling and whatever takes the fancy.

It's also my Dad's 70th birthday this weekend. My family are all going out for a meal with him to celebrate this occasion. I hope I look as good as my dad does when I reach 70! He still looks very young to me and I guess regular walks and being an outdoor man has enabled him to be so fortunate with keeping a youthful glow. I've also got my mate's birthday party to attend afterwards which will be good to catch up with her for her birthday too.

Distance? I feel that A's still not over his ex and thus, this is difficult for me. I still find the hol business difficult and I know he is in contact still which is fair enough but sometimes I feel like I'm just a stop gap in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to meet men who are still pining for their ex's and who keep me at arm's's not a nice feeling and one that leaves me feeling dry and empty and this I don't want to feel's like being second best and this isn't good. I really feel that time is precious and there's a wide world out there for me to explore. I'd like to share this with a person who loves me, or who falls in love with me but it seems that since the split with my son's father,I meet people who never want this. Hmm difficult dilemmas for sure.
Maybe the universe shows us these experiences to prepare us for what is ahead, maybe the path is always mapped out and we eventually fall on the right path that was always meant to be..

I've also been informed there's an outdoor Smokescreen party next weekend - I really hope to attend. Haven't been to one for ages but would be cool to enjoy the Smokescreen vibe again as I haven't been to one of their nights for a long time..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Heavy Beats and Good friends

Been listening to some awesome tunes from - a US internet radio site playing loads of Dubstep..really liking it for sure! May go and meet a good friend this week for a drink as they're on the case about meeting cool to catch up soon for a drink and chat.

Some friends I guess stay for length and others pass through. I'm much more of a long term friend and don't really do 'short term'. I guess to me, friends are precious and thus, we should value those true friends dearly. I've still got friends from when I was 12 years old and I have a group of core friends from '94 onwards when I returned to study. Also more recently, I've met two new dear friends whom I feel will be long termers, Mel and Bridget.

Even when I don't see friends or those who I hold dear, they still live in my heart and mind and I still think about them..I don't like to lose friendships but some people choose to walk other paths and this one can't change, sad as it may be..Hmm.

Have an invite to a mate's birthday party this weekend, sounds good - a large soundsystem, DJs and on until the early hours...looking good and sounding sweet! Time will tell...

Raging Cyberworld and memories of Sunday A.M

What a past few days in Sara World. My home PC has managed to get a narsty XP 2009spyware virus which has meant a visit to a PC repair shop to sorth the bugger out meanwhile I use a laptop from work for my cyber activity! Annoying but I guess, has to be sorted although sometimes I feel how different life would be without a PC.HMM.

I vaguely remember a really loud banging about 5.30am Sunday morning and I remember looking out of my window thinking that someone might've been banging on my door - alas, no sighting and no one to be seen at the back door! Maybe it was my neighbour's house but I remember the banging woke me up and it seemed to be closeby.Hmmph..I wonder?BUT who would turn up at 5.30am without calling me first? Strange but Ill put it down to neighbours or some such!

I've been contacted by TAO Nottingham to do some volunteering in their teabar, so a wonder down there later this week to find out what the score is and what hours I can spare..should be cool and good to do something constructive on this DiY level...will fill you with the detail when I know more.

So, apart from nearly smashing my PC up, getting strangely woken up and future's a going in its direction and yes, I can be sooo ragey when things go amok. Scary!!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Spontaneity and Light

Planning things is always good and I guess, when you're in my situation ie. dependents to care for and plan around, it always seems to be an element of my life and what I have to do. However, sometimes it's great to have a bit of spontaneity in life as happened to me on Friday!
Was supposed to meet A but he was running late so ended up heading towards the library and lo and behold, bumped into the man of the couple I met last week. We ended up going for a couple of beers and had a nice chat about things, exchanged numbers and said our farewells.
I met A and we were going to pub crawl back to his; short of dosh, a cheap night was needed. However, we ended up bumping into his cousin and girlfriend, drank cheap bottles of wine in a pub, went to another pub, left the pub and said goodbyes to A's cousin, headed to lovely shaw's pub in Nottingham - a great chilled place with live this time though, we must've looked worse for wear and then ended up taxi'ing back to A's..
Yesterday was spent chilling and being generally lazy until I headed back home to get ready for a friend's curry night out and birthday celebration. Was in the sack by 12am today and sleep did I need!

So, spontaneous happenings are all well and good and love these moments for sure. This week, is half term so I plan to do a few nice things with my son; Maybe take a trip to Matlock, a playden, swimming and cinema..we'll see how the week pans out and take it from there.

Still got a weird pain in my arm, still don't know what the hells' going on but will rest this week a little..the pain seems to have radiated across the back area to the front of my arm and lower front neck - bloody weird and I am really quite tempted to maybe get another opinion about this cos it doesn't feel right to me at all, that's for sure and at the end of the day, we all know what and how our body should feel eh? Hmph.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What the F**k?

So here I am, sat at home waiting to go to a Dr Appointment this afternoon, after having a weird sensation at work today. I stood up, got the most immense upper back pain, felt breathless and could hardly walk to the train station..started to panic, boarded the train and I now I await my Dr appointment for later today. Rang my sister as she's had blood clots in the past and on my mother's side of the family, thrombosis was prevalent, hence my sister and I being unable to take certain hormones..
F**k knows what is causing this weirdness but I'm guessing it links into the pain in my arm over the last few days??

Wish me luck people, wish me best of British!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


So I have an invite out for a friends drink, with an old friend Jim who I haven't seen in ages. I used to work with him back in the day when I worked in a direct hostel for homeless people. I've bumped into Jim randomnly along the way and often say we'll meet for a drink and catch up but never seem to find the time to! So maybe soon it will be good to catch up with him and see what's been going on in his life, relationship, things etc and be sweet to hear how fellow colleagues are doing.

A? I don't know what is to be...I have many good times with him but the contact his dwindled and this to me means a person is backing off and trying to let one down gently.. I'd much prefer that people just tell me the score cos that's what I'm about but people are so complex and I guess the best is to let them get on with their own stuff..I've a feeling too, that things may not be as sacred as one imagines and thus self preservation is the key..There is no way that the idea of women and 'standard' behaviour is what I'm about - won't go into detail but this is hugely egocentric, selfish and childish.

So we'll see what the week brings and how things pan out I guess..I don't want to start waking up feeling depressed about stuff hence my need to keep seeing friends and keeping busy with things that interest me otherwise I know I'll slump into dark times about A.
Happy Days people!

Wonderful stuff

Came across this site whilst searching the web for something entirely different and I love this article. Read on if you're on the radical left side of things!

Skank is slang and a pejorative term used in English to describe a certain type of female.

The term "skank" differs from that of "slut" in that whereas the latter implies only sexual promiscuity; the former also implies poor taste, personally degrading behaviour and low socioeconomic class.

Also used as slang for a lower class female that is dirty or not presenting herself well.

Other skank behaviors can include being obsessed with celebrity lifestyle and emulating it.

Originally denoting a bad smell or a filthy surface, "skank" has come to refer to someone who is physically repugnant for their filth, and figuratively applied to someone who is morally or socially repugnant for their behavior and demeanor, most often sexual conduct.
He's a Stud, She's a Slut: The Sexual Double Standard
"Slut" is applied to women engaged in any activity besides knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

If you have a vagina, chances are someone has called you a slut at least once in your life. There's just no getting around it.

I remember the first time I heard the word "slut" -- I was in my fifth-grade science class.

A certain little girl (terror) named Eleena had been making my life miserable all year in a way that only mean little girls can. She had turned all my girlfriends against me, spread rumors and the like. She walked up to me at my desk and said, "You called me a slut."

I had absolutely no idea what the word meant. I just sat there, silently. She repeated herself: "You called me a slut, but you're the slut."

I don't remember how long after that I found out exactly what "slut" meant, but I knew it had to be terrible and I knew I didn't want to be it.

Naturally, I'd be called a slut many times over later in life -- not unlike most girls. I was called a slut when my boobs grew faster than others'.

I was called a slut when I had a boyfriend (even though we weren't having sex.) I was called a slut when I didn't have a boyfriend and kissed a random boy at a party.

I was called a slut when I had the nerve to talk about sex. I was called a slut when I wore a bikini on a weekend trip with high school friends.

It seems the word slut can be applied to any activity that doesn't include knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

Despite the ubiquity of "slut," where you won't hear it is in relation to men. Men can't be sluts. Sure, someone will occasionally call a guy "a dog," but men simply aren't judged like women are when it comes to sexuality.

(And if they are, they're judged in a positive way!)

Men who have a lot of sexual partners are studs, Casanovas, pimps, and players. Never sluts.

In fact, when I just did a Google search for "male sluts," the first result I got was She Male Sluts DVD! I know, should have seen that coming. The point is, there isn't even a word -- let alone a concept -- to signify a male slut.

But it makes sense when you think about what the purpose of the word "slut" is: controlling women through shame and humiliation.

Women's bodies are always the ones that are being vied over for control -- whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women, it's our bodies that are the battleground, not men's.

And if you don't think it's about control, consider this little bit of weirdness. The most recent incarnation of the sexual double standard being played out in a seriously creepy way is through Purity Balls.

These prom-like events basically have fathers take their daughters to a big fancy dance where they promise their daddy their virginity.

Likewise, the father promises to be the "keeper" of his daughter's virginity until he decides to give it to her future husband. Where are the Purity Balls for men, you ask?

Oh, they're there, but they're about controlling women too! Called Integrity Balls, these events focus on men not having sex because they'd be defiling someone else's "future wife"!

Not because men need to be pure or be virgins -- but because they need to make sure women are virgins. Unbelievable, really.

Outside of the feminist implications of the sexual double standard, the slut/stud conundrum has always been my favorite because it just makes no sense logically.

Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.")

Does a penis have some bizarre dirtymaking power that I'm unaware of? Every time I have sex, do I lose a bit of my moral compass? "Sorry to mug you, Grandma, but I had sex twice this week!"

And let's face it -- the slut stigma isn't just dangerous to our "reputations" or to some weird-ass notion of purity. How many times has rape been discounted because a woman was deemed a slut?

How many times are women called whores while their partners beat them? How often are women's sexual histories used against them in workplace harassment cases? The sexual double standard is a lot more dangerous than we'd like to think.

So ... What to Do?

First and foremost, stop calling other women sluts! It doesn't behoove us to bash each other, gals. And speak out when you hear men do the same.

I'll never forget in college overhearing a conversation that my boyfriend's roommates were having. They both had slept with the same girl over the course of the year -- they called her a whore and made a joke about her vagina being "loose."

I asked them why she was the bad person in this scenario -- after all, they had had casual sex with her, too. They couldn't provide an answer, but that didn't stop them from continuing to laugh.

I always regretted not saying anything more. Outside of calling ourselves and others out on perpetuating the double standard, it's a hard battle.

But I think if we recognize the hypocrisy of the slut/stud nonsense when we see it -- whether it's an anti-choice law or a movie that makes women who have sex look like deviants -- we're on the right road.

Excerpted from He's a Stud, She's a Slut by Jessica Valenti.

Woman Forlorn..

About her
Is cheap...?
The nightdress -
Polyester cheapness
Nastiness -
The nails and feet
Not up to scratch -
To the desire.
Nasty feet - incomplete.
The weight of her body -
Too bulky -
Could do with losing a stone
Or two -
It's all to help her.. you see,
Put her out of her misery?
Of looking fat -
To protect her health..
She's happy with herself -
Alive, passionate, free,
Lives life a plenty.
Her smell?
Not to the taste,
Oil, she's always worn -
And loves..
And yet now -
For some reason,
She feels forlorn..
Her smell not adored.
Sexy, punky top,
Blue back shocker,
Tarty and 'not to be worn' -
Only to come out on certain occasion -
The wrong outfit in chosen situations.
So what is it.. that is good or indeed pleasing?
Give her an inkling?
Ah yes,

She's kind,
Good heart,
Best at giving love..
Never enough..

Monday, October 20, 2008

Time for serious grounding and groundwork

Realisation always dawns at some point and maybe this is because we're getting close to Samhain - the celtic New Year at the end of October; dying out of the old and welcoming the new, remembering all of those souls who have passed before us and indeed, celebrating their passings but also a dying out of nature and a closing down for winter months ahead.

I've been very reflective over the past few days and realise that Yoga is a MUST for me to keep me grounded and expect the best of me and my spiritual side of life. This has lapsed a little more recently due to responsibilities at home, kids, etc. I plan to restart Yoga next week when my teacher is teaching in my hometown again...for sure Yoga is a way of life and living. A way of seeing life for what it really is about and also understanding things on a higher cosmic level. Also, I need to keep myself grounded to keep in tune what's going on around me and in my close relationships, otherwise I feel that things start to go a little amok, which is less than healthy for me at times because I become too emotional and weirded out! I also physically think this will help me too - align the body and the organs! The last few days have been a little odd with my body - my left arm has been aching like no other, along the back of my neck and right down my left arm! God knows what's causing this but it seems to be getting worse at the days have been going on..Hmm maybe a Dr check up if things don't improve but if anyone is a Dr here and can tell me what pain in arm.numbness means, then all well and good! Deep heat has been getting a hammering that's for sure!

I paid a visit today to a wonderful art resource/community facility called TAO Nottingham. Such a wonderful place is this - lovely and cheap tea bar, friendly people, great communioty based exhibitions and a grand feeling of DIY and grass roots happenings in the city - this I love. So much so, I've added my name to their mailing in the hope of maybe getting a few hours a week voluntary work, maybe in the tea bar or the recycling facility when it opens..we'll see. For me, this sort of things excites and ignites my mind and this is why I'm always seeking new things to be interested in, I have an active mind that likes to be fed and feel a sense of doing something worthwhile, otherwise my mind and soul close off and dry up and this I don't want!

Anyway, here's a poem I've been thinking about and it makes me think about people and's by Benjamin Zephaniah, a man I have a HUGE respekt for.

Stand forward Mr Zephaniah...


We all say we luv honesty
But den wot of de lies we do
Your love may lie and yet be true,
How honest can you be?

Live wid your joyful misery
An madness dat you can't proclaim
How often can you change your name?
How honest can you be?

Fake common norms an decency
Designed to give you sleepless nights
Torture your soul an dim your lights
How honest can you be?

You cannot do conformity
You want to luv more equally
But wot of your community
How honest can you be?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Hoorah for Baby Billy!

So a long while since I've wrote anything on here - well a week nearly which in time terms ain't that long I guess? Been pretty busy with work, home and a naming celebration to attend of my friend Julie's baby boy Billy, who is now 7 weeks old! The celebration was held in a sweet community cafe called The Crocus Cafe in Lenton..lovely food was shared and wine flowed. Was a lovely celebration of baby Billy, really sweet and 7 weeks old as we speak!
However, it did make me very contemplative and in some ways sad about how things turned out in my this I mean, it made me reflect and remember when my own children were babies and the joyous feelings one has and how things change over time when relationships break down and children have to endure this..When I rewind the clock on this level, there is definitely a feel of loss and sadness when I search deep inside of me but life must go on as positively as possible.

The evening was good anyway not only because I was around lovely people and such like and was great to see and give Billy a present but because I also met a new couple who wanted and indeed, persuaded me to go clubbing - even though the plan was to come home early! We were going to head to Smokescreen, as the woman of the couple is a big Smokescreen fan but the man of the couple was a Highness fan, so in the end, flipped a coin and Highness it was!
Excellent to listen and dance to some heavy tunes and the vibe was a good one for sure! Always the sort of experience I want when I go dancing and I do hope I see these people again because ot was good to make new aquaintances..

Monday, October 13, 2008

Seasonal Changes

Years of spring,
Buds and blossom,
Bright and beautiful -
The young form,
Ripe and sweet,
Love to be sworn,
Innocent and fresh,
Pure of the flesh..
Years of summer,
Heat and fire,
Gold and alive,
The passionate urge -
Exploring a yearn
Loved and reborn,
Knowledge and quest,
Give of the best..
Years of autumn,
Tinged and windswept,
Worn around the edges,
Freyed, yet wisdom pledges,
Loved. left. alone.
Curling inwards -
Decaying cells,
Years of winter,
Remain to be seen,
Will they gleam?

Monday Blues?

Monday and to wash away the blues I take joy in the beautiful weather today..October? And the weather feels surprisingly warm considering that we're hitting Halloween or Samhain as the Celts would call it...My journey to work was nice, looking out of the window at nature and the sunshine beating down on lovely golden autumn tinged leaves.

Tonight, I watched an interesting piece of TV about the Oxford Dictionary and apparently, words have been collected and meanings recorded since 1170! At least I think this was the right date anyway but interesting nonetheless! Words eh? And their origins always interest me in many ways - trouble is, when you don't write a lot, you seem to lessen your word vocab and thus, I guess taking a dictionary to bed could prove educating!

I've been listening to a load of Donna Summer recently, was a big fan of her as a child and thus, I've ordered a CD of her early stuff cos I just love Macartha Park, I feel Love, Hot Love and State of Independence..awesome tracks and she's one awesome singer for sure...

Tomorrow night I'm attending a poetry and comedy event wit a couple of friends. Will be nice to be in good company again and I enjoy these sort of nights..tend to always attract old skool peeps who are about the same sorta thing that I'm about which tends to mean - left to anarchic thinking, caring and collective type of people with a conscience which is always a good thing..So here's to a good day and eve tomorrow!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What Do I want?

So, a shitstorm of crapness today because of me maybe being a woman and a needy one at that and becoming weirded out when I don't hear from aperson whom I almost hear from every day - I guess this is how people back off...maybe I'm just being too impatient, too misunderstanding, jumping to stupid conclusions or maybe my heart is trying to tell me something?

Maybe hormones are part to play but maybe, I'm just no good at not having contact with people..So what do I want and indeed, what do I need to feel secure and able to function? And I know in a good relationship, these sort of things aren't an issue because communication and openess are key to a good and healthy relationship with another person..
Also, when you've been let down quite a lot then insecurity starts to take a hold and this behaviour reminds me of teen years when boys tried to play with your heart and let you down - this is so childish behaviour and has occurred quite a bit when I think about it and not something that I'm about...for me, if a person is in my heart then they're the focus and indeed, the priority.

1. To feel like I'm not a pain or invisible.
2. To feel loved and respected.
3. To not have my trust tested. This has become a big issue with me more recently due to someone I care about going away with their ex. I still feel hurt by this and I can't seem to move away from that hurt and thus, trust has become an issue that prior to this event, was never an issue.
4. To be able to open my heart and be my full on self.
5. To be able to express myself with honesty and sncerity.
6. To feel special.
7. To feel free of emotional turmoil and by this, knowing that all is OK and there's nothing to worry about..

God, do I sound fucked up or what? I think they key is to knuckle down because mistrust and suspicious feelings are a really bad thing and I don't like the felings that these bring..maybe they're founded, maybe they're not..Maybe they are though when I think about manyb things that have happened through the course of a year - quite a few sus things that have def tested my security..

So, I think the time has come to depart from love blog thoughts and concentrate my thoughts away from love energies and into something that focusses my mind on more simpler and interese based issues cos when I think about it, 3+ years of love blogging and reality takes its toll on the weaker hearted...

Heart Storm

Up and down
Round and round,
Can't do this emotion
Without feeling it fully.
What's the point?
Of feeling deep within your heart?
And feeling like your nothing -
In the grand scheme of their world?
Pointless emotion
And wasted energy -
When love should be a synergy
Of two hearts
Higher than life itself..
And where understanding
Keep the fire alive and don't
Drown out the energy...
And where mutual support
Are the order of the day,
Not fighting and sabotaging
The love, that should be a blessing..
For love is something you..
Fight for
Strive for
Have faith in
Hope for
Live for
Trust in..
And when these aren't there then love
Is a fallacy?

Knuckle down
Find enjoyment in simple things
Give love a wide birth? Never thought I'd say that!
Even though it beats hard -
To the pulsating of emotion..
Let it go, flow,
To nowhere

Saturday, October 11, 2008

48 hours and sinking in...

Today I've been reflecting over the last time I saw A and thinking alot about something that A said the other night - as always, delayed reaction is how it is with me - I have to have at least 24 hours to let things sink in! I don't know quite how to take it and we were both a tad drunk at the time of him saying it but I remember the gist of it and it's made me think a few things... I wanted to further talk about these things the following day and have been unable to which for me, is a real pisser because I have to get to the bottom of it!

I guess this is all to do with trust aswell, especially because for me, due to him going away with an ex, has left me feeling rather vulnerable regarding this issue. Furthermore, I have quite a few male associates who I know through work and going out that I sense A possibly feels threatened by..I may be wrong here but I sense this may be an issue..

I've tried to contact A today but no response which then sends my mind into overdrive and makes me wonder what's going on..

Relations/friendships? I want an easy life of it now, with no confusions, straight forward talking, no power struggles, no control issues, trust to be granted and built on and a smooth time to be had of it..I wonder whether this will be a realisation? Who Knows?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

A week with the Arts...

A wonderful week thus far for me. Monday, Linton Kwesi Johnson performed in Jongleurs Nottingham at the Blackdrop Poetry event. A and I went along to this and I treated A to this event for his birthday..We both really enjoyed it and LKJ was as inspiring and political as ever with a tinge of love thoughts thrown in. It was very sweet to go to this with A and share such a wonderful event with him.
I managed to grab a few words at the end of the event with LKJ and thanked him for all of his wonderful work over the years and told him that he'd massively inspired my beliefs from the 80s onwards - what a sweet smile he returned to me when I told him this!

Last night was a drama event, Zero, at The Lakeside Theatre Nottingham. The play covered aspects of torture and camp life and how people coped with this amongst many other issues. I thoroughly enjoyed this show and really thought the atmosphere and ambience was completely appropriate to the drama content. A popped round afterwards and spent the day with me today, which was again, lovely.

The arts always appeal to me and from this week's inspiration, I have a clear aim in my mind, I certainly would like to attend more poetry events - in fact I have one to attend on Tuesday all being well on the Babysitter front. I have also been informed about a regular monthly reading event that I would def like to get to, it sounds fun and like a good group of people. I also really want to try and attend the Blackdrop events on a regular basis if possible..

A, met my son for the second time last night and they seem to get on well - I feel A relates to my son well which is all very good..

So all in all a very positive time and this sort of stuff really does bring me a lot of happiness and inspiration!
Tomorrow, I may head up to a Beer Festival and then maybe out with friends for further catching up..we'll see what develops between now and then

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Reflective Thinking

I've calmed down since my angry last post. I had a really good night last night, met up with some sweet people who often attend the same club night as me and indeed, Dj at it. It was lovely to chat with them all and nice to chat and meet some new people.. we all then headed to a good night at the Maze and lots of dancing, chatting and laughing, indeed it was also sweet to bump into old friends at The Maze and talk with them..

Today, I've been reflecting a lot about the actions that we do and the decisions we make and how these impact on others. It has to be said, I can't but help feel that my actions during times in my life could've been different but then I guess, if the path is somnewhat mapped for us then who knows? Maybe these actions are the grand scheme of things...?
Also, I don't feel proud that I've left a legacy to my kids regarding me not being with their Fathers but I've always been a firm believer in having a happy household for kids, rather than a war zone and the way both of my previous relationships headed, was a war zone and battle. I'm not saying that I ran as soon as the going got tough either but had the patience of a saint on many occasions and indeed, just realised that when two people can't function anymore then something positive has to be done and when all else fails, action has to be taken.
I talk about this after a poignant conversation I had last night with someone who was in a loveless marriage but who'd chosen to stick it out for the sake of the kids..I found this honourable but at the same time, felt a sense of sadness that the person is having to live this way and is making abig sacrifice regarding their own happiness - maybe I'm selfish on this level but I just know I could never live a lie on that level to my kids..each to their own though and I wish the best for this person and their life and kids..I guess all scenarios are different and complex.

Life? It's a funny thing really when you think about all of the emotions that pass through us on a daily and indeed life level and yet, on a simple level as humans we're here and then gone the next - always seems so mad when I think of it in this context..

Friday, October 03, 2008

Time for blog rest methinks

So, weirdness has occurred once again..I don't think this is healthy for me to keep enduring these emotional rollercoasters from the opposite sex but I ain't going to go into detail..I can't be told one thing and then a person goes all cold and weird! this is erratic and unhealthy for anyone and most of all for me. So, I think I may have some time out of blogworld to gather my thoughts...I'm looking very forward to theatre and poetry next week and I guess I must keep on remembering that I was born alone and I will die alone..
And the worst of it is, how can someone make an arrangement and completely not acknowledge it to the point that they just don't let you know or don't turn up???? Beats me and so DISREPECTFUL!

Tomorrow night? I'm out on a mate's Birthday celebration now and dancing the night away at a good club night - Fuck all of those people who fuck me around - FUCK THEM - I DESRVE BETTE! Dancing? Always does the trick for me!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Thursday's Thoughts..

A good productive day today - counselling, shopping in lovely shops on Derby Road and an invite out with my Friend Louise tomorrow night..I have no babysitter though, but maybe I could try and find one, beings as though A is busy with his uni stuff!

A night out could be fun, especially with lovely louise! Hmm..Time to make a few phone calls methinks!