Friday, September 29, 2006

That 'life excitement' feeling is returning.

Had a great day today. Feel loads better and ready to really start living life to the full, as much as I can. A great friend of mine treated me to a lovely back massage, for my birthday. Wow! How great it felt and reminded me that I really need to treat myself to this treatment at least once a month. So, I've booked a regular slot for a massage!

Had a wonder round my home town and had a lovely coffee in one of my favourite cafes. Tonight, a friend has invited me and a few others over to hers for a take away curry. Yummmmmm. I have my son also with me tonight, so he'll have fun with a few other kids tonight.

Looking forward to going out tomorrow and next Friday night and feel like having a bit of a spending spree for new clothes..we'll see! Off to see a few gigs and DJs tomorrow night and next Friday, gonna sort of 'live it up' at the awful Cookie Club, just for a bit of a laugh!

Also, I really want to get into regular walking in the Peak District;it's exhilerating, fun, peaceful, beautiful. I feel that this regular scenery and love, really helps my head and heart..and keeps me somewhat grounded.

So, here's to a weekend of fun and happiness.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Think of the weekend girl

As you know, my last blog was a little sad. I've taken your advice people and I'm gonna try and be strong and think about the points you've all discussed. So, this weekend, I'm gonna dress up fancy, gonna get out on the town and have a fun time.

Massage tomorrow by a good friend of mine.

Curry tomorrow night with some mates.

Swimming and bike riding Saturday day and possibly take in the Djanogly Art Gallery in the afternoon.

Drinking and hopefully dancing, Saturday night with a dear friend.

Thanks for all the positive comments.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Please help me..I have heartache

I can't get a person I love out of my head or heart. How do I do this?

I've been 'in love' with this person for 18 months and the yearn is a constant in my heart. The worst thing is, he doesn't seem to want me on a 'lover' level. That makes it hard for me cos I've always wanted him on that level. I keep trying to move on from my feelings for him but I'm finding it harder and harder, at each day that passes; like a magnet continually being pulled and attracted to him. Like my heart is not letting go of the feelings for some reason. Like my soul never wants to forget him. I wish he felt the same. I know feelings can't be forced but when I'm with him, it feels like he has strong feelings. Maybe I've been wrong all along. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm just a sad romantic who ought to get real. Maybe I'm just hopelessly in love.

I miss him soo much. I really do.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Thought for the week...........

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.

Great to get away!

As you know, I went off to Edale last weekend to celebrate my 39th with some close friends. Gotta say, it was great; great to be out there in the frsh air and open space of the peaks. God, how I'd soooo love to live there.

Here's the story of my weekend;

1. Set off Saturday with a friend and met some others along the way.
2. Hit the camping barn, unloaded and headed off on a beautiful, scenic walk, part way up an area known as Grindsbrook.
3. Sat down for an alcohol and chill out time on a grassy verge overlooking a stream for 30 mins. Drank red wine and got a little high. Giggled my head off at fuck knows what!!
4. Went to the pub and started to get rather inebriated.
5. Ate food.
6. Headed to the next pub and did the Edale 2 pub, pub crawl.
7. Went back to camping barn. Lit candles as there was NO electricity/lighting.
8. Opened bottle of champagne - well, a cheap alternative!
9. Had lots of laughter and fun.
10. Woke up in the middle of the night to go on a wander, on my own, in the darkness - nerarly shit myself, as two sheep were staring at me as I opened the barn door.
11. Woke up at 8 and woke my mates up by being the most energetyic soul, with a hangover.
12. Ate a big breakfast and went for a big walk up to Hollins Cross near Castleton and then on to Mam Tor -Totally exhilerating and splendid views to die for.
13. Left edale, after the walk and headed to The Castle Hotel for an evening dinner.
14. Returned home about 8pm.

I really needed this break. In fact, I feel that I need to do this sort of thing every other weekend, rather than hanging out in random clubs, getting evermore bored.
The feeling that you get when you're at one with nature, is second to none and reminds you what is really important in life; what life and people really mean to me.

I loved every minute of my stay. My friends were wonderful and fun.

The worst thing was coming back to the grind and the same old scene. I keep looking for jobs out there in Sheffield at colleges and the like, as I do feel that one day, I need to escape Nottingham and be closer to nature and the hills.

So.....I've now booked another 2 nights stay in a hotel in Castleton for a right good bargain of £59, in a double bedded room - all to myself, in October half term week. Can't fookin wait!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Celebrate the 39th year

39 years old now,as from yesterday. I woke up though feeling quite flat. I cried. I took my son to school. I worked. I came home. I went for a drink with a mate. I ate a chinese take away. I went to bed. I cried again.
Never in the life of birthdays have I felt so sad. I felt lonely and heavy hearted. I think I felt this way because my Mum wasn't around to wish me Happy Birthday. I also realise that I've been through alot of changes this year and maybe, I was on some level, reflecting; birthdays seem to do this in some respects.

Anyway, I was sort of glad the day was over and glad to get to bed. On a happier note, I reminded myself that I'm off for the weekend to one of my favourite parts of the world. The Peak District. I've hired a barn out with a load of mates and can't wait to get out into the open space and serenity. Although, in some respects, I want no plans. I've told my friends this as I just want to head out there and follow what my heart tells me to do, when I get there.One of my friends was staring to plan certain things and getting all 'detailed' about stuff. I really don't feel like detail at the moment and told her so. I hope she's not upset with me, but I'm jusrt being honest. I need space right now in many ways, hence my need to get out of the city.
So, although I've felt rather flat and deflated in some bizarre way, I know I'll enjoy being around those who hold me dear. I know we'll get drunk. I know we'll have a great time when we get there. I know we may have the potential to meet some interesting people.
I think I feel flat also, cos I miss my friend. I miss the fact that he doesn't care for me, how I care for him. I miss the fact that I had no birthday wishes from him. I miss the fact that I don't see him anymore. He was in many ways, my inspiration to another world. I know I'm being soft and sad but I do have to go through these emotions of grief and mourning for something that feels, like it's slipping further and further away from my reach.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

People Move On

Well, recently some very good friends of mine are moving on to new pastures. One couple are off to Australia and another couple are off to Mauritius. It's sort of odd and sad to think about losing these friends as there's so much history with them. Friend 1 who's off to Australia, I met whilst i was doing an Access Course in 1994. We both headed off to Nottingham Uni together - she studied English literature and I studied Social and Cultural studies and Social Policy. I have fond memories of my friend's partners 30th birthday, one August, in their backgarden. Music, wine, drumming, great atmosphere, newly 'in love' with my then partner; the world seemed like a good place to be alive in. My friend was and still is in some respects a practising pagan. Through my own interest in spirituality and Earth worship, I gained alot of knowledge from her about Paganism and Solitary Paganism. She was also so kind to complete birth charts for my children and I. I love these birth charts as they do actually hold quite a fair bit of truth in them, I've noticed, as time's gone by.

Friend 2 - has been a constant in my life since 1992. I met her through her then boyfriend. They always seemed like the 'everlasting, happy couple'. I've shared so many great times with this couple; camping in Edale,visiting London, getting stoned and wasted together, listened to music, gone to gigs, meals, parties etc etc. They were extremely close to me whilst they were a couple. I supported my friend after the birth of her son and the break up of her relationship, which came as a shock to us all;no-one ever thought he'd end up in the arms of another woman. That made me realise that people on the outside can look so happy to the onlooker, but underneath all of that facade, there often lies secrecy, deceit, anger, unhappiness and resentment. I was truly gutted when my friend and her partner spilt up cos they'd been such 'soulmates' in many ways, to me and my then partner. As time's moved on, so has our relationship as friends. I don't see her that often but when I do, it's always special, fun, sweet, happy.

I therefore look forward to a week on Friday, as my friends and I are all meeting and going out for a 'farewell curry'. It'll be strange for me cos my ex partner will be missing from the 'once part of' equation but it'll be lovely to share and possibly cry about the special times, changes, upset etc, in our lives.

I also hope now, to visit Mauritius next year. I have an invite and just need to save my dosh to get out there, as accommodation is free!

So, I do hope the best for my friends, and I write this with a bit of a lump in my throat and a heart that feels a little weighted down, by sorrow's heaviness. Ironically, listening to Jen en connais pas by Jeff Buckley, is really giving me that feel of nostalgia too.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Miserable rant over!

Today I am released. Not from prison as such, but released in my mind. I'm now gonna get out there and start having some proper fun that I do so deserve.
Sick of being messed about and worrying about what others think about my defective personality. I know I shine like the sun, I'm as warm as the sun, I'm as bright as the sun, I give energy to others like the sun, I radiate a light around me, like the sun. I'm not deluded. I'm just a good person, with a hellofa lot of love to give.
So time to really let it all out and let the miserable rants be a thing of the past.

Off to an old colleagues 'mental leaving party' tonight. I say mental, because I know it will be. All the people that will be there, work in the homeless sector in hostels and they do tend to let it go big style; that sort high 'burn out' work entails it. Afterwards, off to see a gig I reckon and some dancing. So glad rags are

So, here's to a damned fine Friday night out and let's wait and see what Saturday brings.

Have fun out there!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Lost Love

God I feel absolutely shit.Terrible.Depressed.Pissed Off.Full of sorrow. Alone. Aching.Tired. Empty.

Don't ask why. I really don't want to splurt out the detail. I'm just so sad.

Check out this link to a good Nottingham band - especially the track 'Visceral Surgery' - Wonderful tune, that's keeping me maintaining right now.

Sorry about a sad rant.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I wish I had a crystal ball

Well, tonight, quite by accident, I listened to a song that was played at my Mum's funeral - Time To Say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.Oh dear me, how it made me cry so much to hear this tune again. My Mum really loved this song and that's why it was chosen in her honour..and indeed the title is rather appropriate to someone's passing.
I can't believe that in a few months time, it'll be a year since my Mum's passing.I can't believe how much my life has also changed in that time too;losing my Mum, going through a break up without my Mum to support me - my Mum was someone I always confided in especially about relationship problems.
I do feel though her strength sort of lives in me though. After my Mum's death, I realised how important it was for me to find 'true' happiness, because life is so precious and can be cut short without any forewarning. I realised that I had to get out there and start to live or indeed, realise my dreams, however much this may distress me at the time. I knew I'd feel better by being true to myself about my emotions and my heart.
So, in some ways, I wish I had a crystal ball now to gain some sort of insight about where my life's going to go....

Man? Read with caution

Since my ex moved out, I'm really starting to enjoy being in the house at night time. I have space, I have freedom from the TV not being on all the time, I have no arguements to piss me off, I have no angry frown and resentment on my mind.My friends are coming over, I want to decorate, I feel more energy to want to do things, I feel calmer in so many ways and so look forward to what the future will bring.
HOWEVER..Before I get all happy and carefree, I was PISSED OFF soo much, with my ex on Satuday night.
He'd come to look after our son and I said he could stay at mine if he wanted to, as I was probably going to be late home. Anyway, he decided to watch some footie, got loads of beer in and basically, got absolutely hammered. AND I MEAN HAMMERED! Hammered in the sense that he became a fucking abusive cunt to me, when I got home.Not in the physical sense but in the mental sense; calling me names, slagging me off for various stuff he feel hard done by and basically, being a complete, self-pitying tosser! God, how I loved reminding of him of how much he'd let me down in life and how honest I've always been with him and yet I'm stuill subjected to shit from him. I REALLY DON'T NEED IT!!
I was so upset cos I'd sort of had a nice night out and was ready for my bed and peace and quiet.
So, I'm fucked if I'm gonna be treated like shit. I deserve a damned site better treatment.
Grrrwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww sorry about the 'man rant' ..I've calmed down now.