Tuesday, January 29, 2008


Apologies for being so angry in my last post. It's only as such because I've felt sad this weekend and feeling like life sometimes seems so unfair.
It's also a gift, I know this but at times, I have to get my feelings out - hence me having a blog for this expressive purpose.

I've just been thinking about what Beloved told me and it really has rocked me to be honest. He doesn't know this of course because at the end of the day, he has to look forward and be happy with what the future holds. If only he'd have been as 'in love' with me..it seems a trick of irony the way evrything has worked out.

Anyway, it's true that I must stay focussed and burst out to new things..I've spent the last four nights crying before I've fallen asleep but tonight will be different, I'll try to focus away from sad thoughts and NOT cry! Women eh? We're so emotional at times..
I keep on returning to the thought of counselling to try and heal emotional stuff and feelings but it's so damned expensive..I read Buddhist books to try and stay focussed - FFS I'm like Woody Allen, before he gets married, in the film Hannah and her Sisters!!! Searching, searching, searching yet I know deep down, happiness comes from within..Dear me, if only I could bump into Woody Allen and chat with him about stuff!

So, thanks for reading and commenting and time to burst all things new out there!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Angry at myself for

Being drawn into a situation those years ago and trying to refuse but being drawn into it by sweet words and what now really seems like lies.
Being called in the middle of the night for another's needs when I thought it was for 'love'.
Being so ridiculously blind.
Being so understanding, patient, forgiving, kind.
Being so played with.
Being so in love.
Being so emotional.
Being so torn in different directions because of my heart.
Being so fuckin deluded about love.
Being so heart driven over head driven.
Being so easy to persuade.
Being so gullible and believing what people say, when obviously it seems like it was all just a game or a ploy.
Being so naive and realising that I don't know if I'm ever going to properly heal anymore.

ALL BECAUSE OF LOVE!!!!!! RIDICULOUS!!! I feel like I should tear my heart out and stop feeling anything or indeed do something painful to divert feelings. Sorry this is pathetically dark and awful but my mood is one of, what they called in the 1500s, deep melancholia.

God I'm so angry and pissed off at myself..I wish some fuckin angel would come and swoop me away from this existence right now..happy Sunday and may peace be with you all.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Cowardice humans

I watched a film called Matchpoint the other night. I actually really enjoyed it, although the acting at times irritated me because of its modern feel but I liked the plot and the message.
Basically, it addresses the cowardly actions of human beings (in this film the coward being a man). OK, so this guy becomes obssessed with his brother's girlfriend, they have a casual sexual encounter and she ends it as fast as it starts due to her loyalty to her boyfriend.
She then gets dumped by boyfriend, the brother goes all out to find her again, even though he's gotten himself married!
He bumps into her and pursues her wildly. They end up having a full on affair...she becomes pregnant and he promises to leave his wife. This, he never does. Instead, when he finds out his wife is pregnant, who coincidentally has loads of money and is from a wealthy family, he decides to trick his lover and thus kills her! So not only does the woman lose her life, but also he kills his unborn child all for the sake of not rocking the 'ideal family'. What a coward!

I guess through history the world has been full of cowards, I won't label them as men but it's a truism what a famous female writer wrote about the difference between men and women and sexual politics.

I enjoyed this film and it made me think quite a bit about guys through hisory who pursue women and yet, run a mile when a sniff of trouble appears. Madame Bovary story is a classic example of this...

I've been thinking a lot about Beloved. I think he'll get back with his girlfrind due to the circumstances..Oh dear, not the best reason to get back with someone but there you go..Thus, I need to stop my attentions from thinking about him and get on with my own stuff - And as he so honestly pointed out, the scenario with him and ex is similar to me and him in that, he loves her - she doesn't him - bit like how he was and felt about me, I felt deeply for him, him not enough for me - so he informed me. God, when I think about the news over the last few days, I feel pretty sad and deflated really..I guess I just need to try and be happy for him if he eventually feels happy with the situation he's finding himself in. Dear me.
So, in all reality, maybe it's time to start meeting some new male friends?

One in particular, has caught my attention a little of late...Here goes the story - Last night, I had a great night at Blueprint, club in radford/hyson green area of Nottingham. I bumped into a guy that I met a while back at a club night in December of last year and had a brief chat with him whilst we both stood outside having a wee smoke.. I actually started to quite fancy him a little when I first met him, not only because I found him attractive but also more so because of what he does and his personality; he's a personal carer for a disabled man and we had a long conversation about caring for others and people with muscle illnesses being allowed cannabis to relieve the pain.

Anyway, it was nice to bump into him again and have a small chat, he's just come back from Australia and was telling me about his New Year out there. Sadly, I ended up mashed and when I saw him again later in the eve, I was in no fit state to converse on a coherent level! I'd quite like to bump into him again though, if truth be known and I hope i DO...soooooooooooooooon!!

Shock, how it changes the world.

So, I've recently been in touch with Beloved and through discussion with him, became shocked. I don't want to write about why because this is personal stuff to his life but it shocked me, to say the least.
Initial thoughs were sadness, followed by 'ah well such things happen'. Followed by wanting to support him and indeed offer any help that he may need. Two days on, sadness is lingering with me somewhat. Sad for him, sad for the situation he's finding himself in, sad that I don't think he ever, in his idealistic head, wanted such a situation... a tragic state of affairs but on a practical level, things like this do bring happiness and can be rise above melancholi..
In some ways it's also made me question the other person in this situation and why they'd go ahead with something, even though they don't feel as much love as the other person and indeed, don't want to be with this person. Indeed, we all have a choice about such things and thank god we do but I just find this a little hard to get my head round..I guess it's also mainly because of how sad I feel for Beloved regarding this issue. He must be devastated on some level. when I think of my own situation regarding this, I personally wouldn't have gone ahead if I were alone or indeed, not in some 'sort of love' with the other person. Then again, who am I to judge? People make their decisions for whatver reasons..it's still sad though.
Sorry this is all so cryptic but it really has to be and I have to get it down in writing to make comprehension of it all.
I really hope that we may be able to be friends again on some level. Everything changes in life for sure but somethings can remain the same even when other complications come into play, friendship can rise above this, I'm certain of this.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


So, it must now be around 8 weeks or so, since I last saw Beloved. Not a day goes past where he doesn't enter my thoughts and indeed, he's forever in my heart. I wish I could be the sort of person who could handle him meeting someone and indeed, still be in contact with him to enjoy the sweet times I used to share with him. However, when feelings for a person have always been strong, then it's very, very difficult to cope with them meeting someone new. Although you want them to be eternally happy because you have so much love for them, you also feel hurt because of your own selfish reasons and indeed love..
On a Buddhist level, I feel I've let myself and indeed Beloved down greatly. It saddens me so much that I had to stop contact, but each time he spoke about his girlfriend, I felt like a knife was tearing at my heart and indeed, felt all overcome. Indeed, I tried to hide this from him and didn't want him to know that I felt as such until of course, the final blow when my heart just felt like it was caving in around me when I knew he might move away and when I heard what he was doing with his girlfriend. Emotions like this piss me off at times but at the end of the day one can't help emotions... I keep reading my Buddhist philosophy and indeed really want to be able to cope and indeed rise above these feelings and then maybe I can manage to be in his company again and enjoy times with him on some level..Oh dear, how hard it is at times and how time changes things. Funnily enough, I had a weird sleepless night last night and it's made me wonder about whether Beloved is OK, I hope he is and my heart wants to radiate love and light to him if there is any anxiety in his life.
P.S Thanks Aunt Jackie for the Twin Flames stuff, very interesting

Sunday, January 20, 2008

True freedom entered my life

So, this weekend, it's official..I am truly free.

It's weird when I think about the last 3 years really. Meeting Beloved all of that time ago and telling him initially, that I couldn't keep in contact with him because of my home situation, even though he was adamant he wanted to see me again after we first met..and look where we are now?
Not even in contact..how tragic that time and circumstances change things. The irony that I'm as free as I wanted to be back then and indeed, over the past few years and yet, he's gone from my life. Of course all out of protection for my own heart.

I've had a strange and reflective weekend. I'm feeling like a lot of emotion has hit me all at once and has indeed, come crashing into me, on some level.

I still haven't sent his book back, I don't know why but I just have seemed so preoccupied recently..I will do it though although I'm unsure as to whether he's still moving away..seems his NYE was crap and I guess it's all to do with Gfriend stuff, who knows!

Anyway, time to seriously get my home sorted and my head sorted! I do feel positive but it must be said, I have an element of sadness entering my thoughts at times. I need to find some further interests I feel, away from clubs, away from pretentious situations and indeed meet genuine, good people again. Attract people who reflect who I truly am. The future is scary but I must look at it postively, I really must!

Friday, January 18, 2008

After thoughts...

So, most of my ex's things have gone now, he needs to pick a few other bits up but needs a friend to drive these bits over to his place, for him;furniture, rug, old wooden box, books etc..

I've started to feel like I want to make a few changes in my home. I'd like to make a small worktopish area at the end of my kitchen, with an overhead light, so I can sit in the kitchen and read/listen to the radio..there isn't a lot of space but I do like kitchens to feel warm and welcoming.
This will be the first proper weekend that I am truly alone, as in, I am properly knowing that my ex is in his own space and I'm in mine.. I always knew that my ex might've needed to stay here if his other options failed. Its' weird to think he has his own place and I'm still getting used to it, in many ways..I like the headspace and I like the calm. I don't think I'm easy either to be around at times and indeed to live with..I've tried and tried but maybe some people are just better with their own company or that of their friends and kids..

Hm I guess time will tell on that score re. living with other people.

So I'm off to an important presentation of my friends today and then we're off out to drink in Deby. Should be fun and be nice to have achange of scenery. Tomorrow I've been invited to a party and also a reggae night but time will tell on that score..I feel like just maybe chilling in my own space, making some nice food and having a few glasses of wine..

Gangstaman friend has been in touch again this week, he's funny. It's sort of nice to keep in touch but to be quite honest, I'm holding out for a man who like me, wants the same stuff in and out of life; I'd like a proper good male friend to share such times as; cinema visits, eating out, clubbing, bike riding, reading together,wine, discussion and fun and of course lots of hugs..you know, that sorta thing.

I'm in no rush though but I feel completely free now and I'm letting the universe unfold it's mystical path around me..

So, busyish week ahead; work's do Thursday night, an invite to a gig at Blueprint on Friday which I hope to attend...and then I guess let the weekend unfold after Friday..
Thank God for payday next week!!!!!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Addendum to the below

Who was that angel-like man in my dreams last night? He was tall, had white feathered wings, was made out of blue (wedgewood pottery colours????? lol)and white and had long golden blonde hair with tanned skin...Is he my guardian angel? Is he my future husband GULP! lol? Who the hell was he? Never in the world of dreamtime have I encountered such a profound prescence in a dream...

Golly gosh gosh!

It's official. I'm a fury ridden, wrathful nutter!

What a fuckin stressfull weekend people. Long, long story but I think waiting and patience finaly erupted to volcanic proportions, not seen since the likes of Pompeii!
In my fury, I rolled what must've been 6 bin liners full of my ex's clothing, down the stairs. Even to the final moment, I have to be proactive!!! I ranted, raved, screamed, yelled, hollared. My neighbours must be considering getting me sectioned! Just to see the shiny black bulk roll down the stairs was really quite poetic. My God, am I such a fiery beast at times!

Only as such though, when I've been taken advantage of and indeed, my good nature abused.

So today? I'm calmer, I'm now feeling like the load has lifted.

BUT, I am dreaming like there's no tomorrow! Dreaming about water, always -

Always sea,
always in the sea,
me, swimming
or floating
in the sea..
Jade green
Blue, in
Greece and myth.
Slowly moving through the source
Fluid slow

I wonder what this all means? Water in dreams eh? Odd and yet, very relaxingly gorgeous!
Here's to my ex making all good in his new place...and indeed, even though my wrath almost combusted me, I still wish for him to be well, healthy, happy and peaceful..

Here's to life people! Here's to my watery, flowing future...

Friday, January 11, 2008

Dysfunctional Hell

So, this week has been a weird and mixed one emotionally. My son's Father was again delayed with moving into his new place, all because the builders hadn't finished the repairs! So yesterday, he was finally crowned with the glory of being 'the tenant'. One and half years of waiting for a Housing Association place; cheapish rent, apparently warm, clean and pleasant. We ended up having a massive row on the day that he signed the contract; My idea was that he'd come straight over to mine afterwards and pick a lot of his stuff up so that I could sort things this weekend. His idea and indeed actions = went to the pub for a supposed 30 mins, which ended up as 90 mins! That straight away rubbed me up the wrong way cos I felt he'd got all of his priorities wrong..I don't like being around him when he starts drinking too much cos it ends up in major rows and he starts going down the 'victim and abusive' route, which I don't like! We yelled, I screamed and then cried. He then left, to hid new empty flat with his bottle of cider, beer and sleeping bag..
This is why we were so different I remember now; Different energies, different ways fo doing and prioritising things, working against rather than 'with' each other. I remember reading that Taureans are stubborn and get set in ways..Both being Earth signs we were supposed to be compatible. Not that I believe everything I read in the daily horoscopes, they're a load of bollocks! BUT I do believe in the natal birth chart and mine, quite frankly, has masses of fire signs..Hmm, where did that temper come from? I think at angry, frustrating times like the above, I should have the gift of 'sponateous combustion' but then, with the gift to be able to form myself afterwards, once combustion has occurred! Imagine that eh?

So, my river is now rushing into different, permanent territory. I'm nipping to Jake's Dads today to take some further bits down for him and then he's nipping here to pick up a lot of his other stuff..
God, what a dyfunctional nightmare, you could make a film about my life! Anyway, onwards and upwards and remain positive, life should start to take on the elements that I want it to now..

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Losing the battle

Ahh happy memories from New Year's Eve^^ . My friend Gav tagged this pic of me and my mate, on his Facebook and it brought back happy memories of the night. Such a wonderful, carefree yet mental night!
Planet Tesco continues to domninate the world. Poor old pet shop in Beeston called Pet Mart, has lost its battle to remain on the land that it has stood on for as long as I can remember! From being a child and indeed, whilst my own kids have been growing up. These powerful corporations are so ugly and nasty when you think about the whole scheme of things. Tesco in particualr seems to eat up land and indeed, build stores within mile radius's or so of each other. Surely this is ridiculous?

I worked in a place called Hucknall today, ex mining town...and actually, I was rather refreshed to see a mix of shops but again, there it stood in all its clinical glory, anotherfuckin Tesco! Right on the site of the old coal mines...ironic eh?

So I sent an email to Beloved, as I said. I got a vague and short response...sad but there you go, I can't expect any other really.

This weekend? I hope to meet with some mates for a few drinks but I've again, got a cold and cough since returning to my unhealthy work environment! Hot, humid, germ ridden place..full of others who have colds and come to work nearly dying - grates on me, it really does. I seem to be losing the battle with this recurring cold/throat business! Maybe I'm just not looking after myself enough? Maybe I'm due to get a bout of glandular fever, my glands do feel swollen in the back of my neck and the cough is odd, a deep and weird sort of affair, like it's coming right from inside my belly and up to my throat..Dear me.
Tomorrow I'm hoping the massage I've booked will ground my body and free it from the toxins of Xmas..and I hope to swim this weekend but whether this is indeed wise, remains to be seen. I will though and let's hope a spot of exercise does me good!

My old school friend H, has informed me that she's marrying her true love. She met him whilst in Spain, her marriage had been on the rocks for a good three years, when lo and behold, the dashing Spaniard wooed her into his arms..without getting all moralistic and judgemental, I assure you, these two are a heavenly couple. He has such love and warmth for her and this, she definitely thrives from. He's a young 32, she's 40. They are also due to have a baby later this year..She always felt that he was right for her, and indeed, they've stood the test of time, trials, tribulations and all the rest that goes with a divorce and kids being involved. I'm glad she's marrying him; H was an adoptee and in her 30s, found her birth father, sadly, she was never able to meet her birth mother because she'd tragically taken her own life, due to the depression she felt with given up her baby, my friend H..Tragic story and one that always left H feeling like there was a big hole missing that needed filling which now, that hole has been filled by her lovely future husband. What a happy story and one that is full of so much love and truth..

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Stay grounded is the key

What a quite weekend I've had, although it's been real nice just to chill and have no appointments or plans, for that matter.
Today I decided to email Beloved about the book that I still have that belongs to him. It seems he had a terrible New Year, oh dear, then again, New Year does sometimes go amok for people for whatever reasons. I thought it'd be fair to give him his book back before he heads off to Manchester to live. I'm not sure when he goes but I guess it won't be all that long really..
I received a phone call this afternoon from Gangstaman, haven't spoken to him for a while but he invited me round to his place, when I have free time, for a meal. Not sure what I should do really?
I guess I should take the bull by the horns as they say, and just go and enjoy myself? Oh dear, decisions, decisions. Saying that, he's only a mate so I don't know why I'm getting a little tizzled about it! Maybe cos I know deep down, that he fancies me! Ahem..

I have a new myspace friend, who's travelled to many countries, of which I'm also interesting in travelling to one day; Iceland, Nepal, India, US. He's kindly placed some of his travel photos on his Myspace site, my oh my, Nepal looks AMAZING! Especially the sacred lake at Goyko! at Mount Everest, totally out of this world!!Gosh, it would be so brill to travel there and experience what Nepal offers. I'm determined to get there one day...I really am!

So guys, what to do about the meal invite? I've decided to see how I feel and let the week pass me by, try to stay grounded and calm..that's the only way forward!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Euggghhhhh back to work!

So back to work for me, dear me, not an entirely easy thought, not entirely welcoming or becoming..I don't feel ready to go back, then again, I never do! I like being at home chilling and taking things easy.

I guess this weekend will be all a bit random really, waiting to hear when/what's happening with Jake's Fathers flat.. I feel like I can really start planning things on a different sort of level.

I still miss Beloved, I don't know what he's up to of course, because I stopped the contact; sad and tragic to have to do this, but I just knew I had to protect my heart because it was going through too much pain when I thought about him moving away and indeed hearing about what he was up to with his new girlfriend. Of course, I feel this was unfair of me to be as such and SO not Buddhist..his happiness should make me happy, but, when you're emotionally involved with someone and have been into them for a long, long time, when they've inspired you to write poetry because of your deep feelings and indeed still are/do, then for me, it was hard to maintain the friendship on the level we were maintaining it as. I understand that age is a factor and many other things were a factor to him but to me, these things never should get in the way of deep feelings. That's just my opinion though and indeed, I have no right to assume someone should think like me or indeed, want what I wanted...

All I know is that the friendship, if one can call it that, was so important to me and so very special...Dear me..

Anyway, he lives in my heart and always will do..

Have a lovely weekend out there...

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Afterthoughts and snow

And so the forecast this week is some snow. How great would that be? I love snow, truly love it! I'm still recovering from New Year's Eve, all that substance misuse takes its toll you know..I guess this weekend will be a quiet affair, maybe a trip to the countryside for fresh air and detoxification!!

How refreshing to have a New year that had no arguments, no sadness, no misunderstandings, no anger! Truly great and truly memorable and truly the way I want all of my NYE's to be from now on.

The ex is still to hear about his flat but he should be geeting the keys either tomorrow or Friday, so that's all good and all systems go for him. We've deccided that it might be a good idea to let Jake help him with moving in, just so that he feels like he's part of his Dad's new place and indeed doesn't feel all confused about it. The good thing is, since Xmas, me and his father have been getting along really well. Supporting each other and having good chats about things, clearing the air and having a general respect for each other's life now.

I really appreciate the fact that he was there for to look after Jake on NYE. Everything worked out well, no disruption, Jake was happy and the start of the New Year was a good one. I feel this is going to be a very good year, I don't know why but I feel that there's a lot of positivity around me and that my life is at last starting to feel like things are getting a little easier and indeed calmer.

Let's now hope that the lovely white flakes hit planet England ASAP and make Sara a happy bunny!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Madame Bovary

I watched the film, Madame Bovary, today. I read the book, by Flaubert, many years ago, when in my teens, in fact when I was 18 years old. The story has never failed to interest me and indeed the text itself, when deconstructed, is an interesting critique about women's position in French society, emotional needs as woman, insatiable appetites of Emma Bovary and in the final, although she gave her soul and heart to the lovers she met, they were unable to save her from herself, in the end; reputation for them to keep, financially broken, etc.. Her husband was a practical man, deeply in love with her, but this wasn't enough for Emma, she craved a different sort of love; passion, poetry, desire, romanticism, escapism..

When she most needs help from the men who have been lovers and indeed, who she gave herself to, they couldn't and indeed chose not to help her. This resulted in her taking Arsenic as a means of suicide.

A tragic story, a sad tale of love and its woes, the lengths people go to to find a little piece of happiness and specialness in their lives and in many ways, a moral reminder in many ways about the 'Grass is always Greener' scenario...

In part of the film/text, it discusses Emma's desire for Leon and her counting the days to seeing him and indeed when she had seen him, her world felt dark, cold, sad, lonely, after she'd left him..such a truism is that when one leaves a loved one and misses them so.

I love novels like this and indeed films like this too. It reminds me that humans have felt depth, desire and passion for eons and that we all suffer theses feelings at some points in our lives..it also reminds me that humans crave such a deep love that often seems an impossibilty to live this love..but also a deep pain when one is away from their lover/loved one.

I prefer the relationship Emma has with Leon though, it seemed so much more innocent and genuine with an energy that was there from the start rather than forced...
I thought about Beloved whilst watching this film, I thought about him when I was out last night, I wondered what he was doing, who he was with, his girlfriend I guessed..I hope he's well, I hope he's happy; Not a day, or for that matter an hour goes by, without holding him in my heart, or indeed my thoughts..

Hooray for the end and the beginning!

Hooray, what a wicked New Year's Eve. Met some mates in a pub and then headed off to a bar/clubnight. Nearly ended up having a big barny with the bouncers; it was 11.55pm and they said no more people were allowed in the place. I argued with them, saying we had tickets and thus, this wasn't fair not to let us in. The guy was adamant!! So feisty old Sara banged on the window of the bar, where the DJs were and asked if they'd 'sort it'...luckily, they did and we entered the bar just before the New Year started! I had a sneaky laugh at the bouncer as I walked through the bar, it has to be said.
Anyway, the atmosphere was great, bumped into a lot of new recent friends, and sat talking to them and dancing of course! The bar girl, Emily, took a shine to me, said I had a kind face and thus, poured me half full glasses of vodka for 2quid a shot!!! What a dear she was.

After much dancing and drunkenness, we all jumped into a cab and headed to an after party, of which, we couldn't find. In the meantime, I got chatting to some African women from the Congo, on the street where the party was to be held and ended up in their party instead! They poured me rum and cokes, fed me Ackee salt fish and rice and made me extremely welcome. The music and atmo was warm, friendly and a great African music vibe... I then received a phone call from the guy whose party it was, that we couldn't find and headed up to his, to meet up with my other mates, who'd long ago found the party!

Again, a sweet crowd and very welcoming. I sat chatting to a guy called Rick, had long conversations with him about his upbringing, job, thoughts etc about life. A sweet guy and a deep thinker seemingly.

9am this morning, I decided that bed was needed. Fell into my bed, still drunk and very happy at 10am. What a truly memorable New Year's Eve. I think the start of the year is going to continue into being a good, warm 2008!

Happy New Year to you all.