Monday, December 29, 2008

Hibernation? NOT!!

Just when you think that the New Year is nearly here and after the celebrations, that will be it? You'll knuckle down, close the shutters and hibernate for at least a month to recouperate, other forces come to play!! Invites here and there! A friend is celebrating her birthday this weekend in the city and then going clubbing after! Another friend has invited me to go on a walking mission and a pub lunch high up in Hope Valley which I know will be cold but choice being the possibility to walk around Grindleford Forest and up onto the moors..this choice seems to be welcomed!

I feel like I need to hibernate already today as I think I've come down with a cold virus which is a bummer as I was hoping to visit my sweet friend again tomorrow in Hyson Green and spend the day chatting and drinking mulled wine..this won't be happening unless I get a wave of energy..the only appealing thing for me right now is brandy coffeee, lots of water and vit c but although this will happen I know the energy will be found somewhere, at least I think it will!

I watched Wuthering heights tonight and I do love that story - so true about 'true love' and the dialogue that goes on between Cathy and Heathcliffe; souls of one, dead without the other..
I must reread this classic book again, I really must!

Hibernation delayed for another week methinks...

Memorable Thoughts and feelings of 2008

2008 started off wonderfully, around good people and in a very happy and positive way. I'd say for me, 2008 has been a sort of moving on concluding year..a sort of emotional understanding year. A year that has enabled me to put things in context and indeed, realise what I will not accept from people.. a growing and a understanding that maybe, I used escapism as a way of coping with the many difficulties I had faced since the death of my Mum.

In 2008, 2 of my good friends became pregnant, one has had a dear baby boy and the other friend is awaiting the birth of her baby girl, who is due in the next few days! I can't wait and I'm really excited about the baby arriving for her!

I enjoyed two brilliant and happy times at a local festival. Much laughter and happiness was unearthed.

My eldest son seems to be at a point of realisation that he would like to live in Denmark for a period of time - good on him I say!

I attended my first footie match in years with my youngest son, he and I both loved it and it was great to bond with him on this level.

I have sweet memories of friends coming to visit me throughout the summer months, sitting in my garden making fires and getting cosy whilst dusk changed to darkness..happy times, sweet times.

I haven't cried as much as I did in 2007. The things that have made me cry have mostly been down to emotional issues with others..I guess this has taught me a lot about what I want to accept in my life and indeed, that I want to retain my true sense of sincerity, loyalty and old fashioned ways..I don't want modern, casual relationships any more. I would rather be alone than a random 'buddy' to another person..I like old fashioned ways when it comes to love and attachment and I see nothing wrong in this..However, I'm also starting to think there's great value in alone time and that happiness has to be with yourself..

My son's Dad has stuck to his word and been a good father to our son in that he has kept to the childcare arrangement and not let his son down..I'm proud of him for this and I'm even more glad for my son to have his father as a constant in his life.

I have met some new sweet people who talk openly and are very kind the saying goes, 'like attracts like and goodness brings goodness' I firmly believe this.

I finally got to travel to Greece again which for me, was fabulous to walk on Greek soil again, bathe in the Aegean, admire the Greek scenery, way of life and culture and meet dear people whilst I holidayed..a wonderful experience for sure.

I realised that home, kids and me are more important than slogging my guts off in a job to be completely tired out and devoid of energy for my kids and self. I cut my working week for this purpose and I know this has completely been the right decision for me and the welfare and well being of my kids and myself.

I stand true to the belief that people who treat you in a bad way, should be treated only with kindness, for then they see the error of their ways and maybe, try and change things. Of course wisdom means that at times, some friendships may have to be lost along the way, but the hope is that those true friends that we have, will remain and stay true, practice honesty, sincerity and loyalty.

Many more to add to this list when I feel more awake and have had more time to think...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Drama Queen Sara's Xmas Day Speech..

Happy Xmas to all of you on this rather mild, grey 2008 Christmas Day. I hope you all get what you wish for and that your Xmas is filled with love, joy, peace, booze, laughter, food, fun.
Most of all, I wish that the world would be in peace, people would not be in poverty and there would be an end to the wealth divide, fairness and justice would reign, love would overcome hate and goodness and generosity is in favour of greed and anger..

I've so far, had a very sweet Xmas. I had a nice time with family at a pub last night although a little too hectic for my liking. I tend to be one of those who just enjoys solitude, candles, quietand peace on Xmas Eve. After the pub, my son and I chilled out, sorted the carrot and mince pie out for Santa.. Later on, I had a nice chat on the phone for a good few hours and an invite to dinner, which sort of made Xmas feel warmer and special..I was trying to wrap presents whilst talking on the phone which was sort of funny really and hence, they weren't wrapped as well as they should've been!
I was woken at 5am by mon son whilst he opened his presents. He was fed up that Santa (me) had forgotten to leave a handwritten card, so I had to get my secrecy act togther and write a card out el quicko and make out Santa had dropped it behind the tree! He was a happy soul after this realisation. Today, I spend time with my kids and we won't eat until much later today around 5/6ish.

I truly hope that 2009 will be a progression and happy year..I look forward to what it brings and all of the lovely times that I will share with those whom I hold dear.

May peace, love and happiness be with you today!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Busy and focussed

Today has been a busy one and focussed one. Went to visit a sweet friend in Hyson Green - an area of Nottingham that has many different ethnic shops, which I love! Spent a lovely time there and rushed back home to get ready for meeting a friend tonight for a Xmas drink. Should be a sort of interesting night cos not sure yet where we're heading but looking forward to see them all of the same.

Been focussing on other things as well and coming to some sort of understanding and conclusion. Anyway, enough of that, wish me a good time for tonight and here we are, nearly Xmas Eve and time to kick back a little and get rid of the heaviness and bring in the lightness!! Only the way forward for sure...

Monday, December 22, 2008

Mulling over and Xmas..

Christmas nearly here and yet I don't feel very Christmassy really. Of course I'm being Christmassy for the sake of my kids but I just don't seem to be feeling it at the mo! I put the decorations up yesterday and that has made me feel a little more xmassy but I want colder weather goddammit!!!
I guess the mood has slumped a little after the weekend and some information I was told ..I haven't had proper time to weigh it all up as I've had company since Friday until Sunday but now I'm alone apart from my kids of course, thoughts and feelings are coming through in waves. Hmm lots of reflection methinks.

I have an invite to go out tomorrow night which I will most likely go. Not sure where we'll end up going but will be sweet to get out for an Xmas drink before the food fest starts on Xmas Eve! This will be the first time that I spend Xmas day alone with my kids - will be sort of strange but I do have to get used to this as not every year does my family eat together on Xmas Day. Boxing day I'm off up to my brothers which will be good fun and great for the kids.
New Years Eve is still unplanned but the options are starting to come in - a club night? A party in North Notts with DJs and outdoor vibe, a band at a venue in Notts, chilling at home? Hmm I'm sure more will materialise as time passes..

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bad taste in the mouth

Lying? Dishonesty? Protecting me from whatever?

Never been a fan of lying, untruths, dishonesty and the patronising way some people think that they are doing you a favour by keeping information from you, that may upset you..By this I mean, to share intimate times with a fellow human being and yet, dishonesty about something pretty crucial is prevalent, makes it all seem futile, insincere, disloyal, meaningless and not what I'm about or what I want in my life.
I've always tried to maintain that honesty with those closest and indeed around us, is the only good and productive way to live one's life. It seems many pther people don't hold this value or practice it. What then is the point of intimacy with one who can't be honest and sincere with you? There is no point really is there? Yes, granted we all make mistakes but there's also taking the piss and when this occurs then time's up really, methinks. Crapness that I'm feeling like this just before Xmas, not how I want to feel and be bogged down with such thoughts.

Long story anyway and won't go into detail but just because someone is caring and kind doesn't mean they have TWAT written on their forehead, does it?

A work mate cheered me up though, yet made me feel a little odd today, she told me that her brother is into the same scene as me and liked the look of me in a photo that she had of me.Nice to get the compliment but really ain't the solution I need right now, in all honesty...Time for bed.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Happy Vibes, Messyness and Thank the Lord for the likes of Maya Angelou

Wonderful weekend in my world! Spent a lazy Saturday pottering and not doing much and then headed to my mate's to drink winter Baileys to warm up for our night out! Had a few drinks in The Turf and then headed to my friend's Xmas Charity event party which was really good; great atmosphere, good music and a good selection of different music genres, nice and friendly people and an invite to the afterparty, which was again, a good vibe with good music. I must've danced for a good 9 hours!
My friend ended up in a messy state and I had to ensure she was OK but needed to get back home for 7am to ensure my son got to work on time so I ended up leaving her on the settee at the afterparty, in the hope that she wouldn't choke on her own vomit! Not a nice thought to leave someone in a comatosed state but she's an adult and there were other comatosed people who I'm sure would've all been an all inclusive and supportive environment! A good friend also stayed behine to help her and not many men who'd only just met a woman who'd been puking, would stay and look after said comatosed mate!
I had a sweet comment made about me from a friend who said that I was
'The one star, unlike any other Sara and different to most British women but free in the mind and an energy like no other!'
Made me smile and feel warm to be told such niceness..and indeed that these qualities shine through, I like this and it's sort of good to feel the qualities are seen by good friends..So a happy weekend and no doubt more goodness to come over the next few weeks!

Been reading a great book by Maya Angelou, Even the stars look Lonesome. A really good book with excellent references to historical happenings and indeed, great quotes throughout regarding poverty, powerlessness, sexuality and humanity. A really interesting and life affirming read!

Contemplating what to do for NYE as I think it's a free one for me in Motherworld which means hopefully, I could do something with A, go away some place or just party or whatever comes in the direction..we'll see! Two more days and Xmas shopping and decoration time!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Brilliant Investigative Journalism.

I don't know whether any of my blog followers are fans of the programme Unreported World on C4, but I love this programme. It amazes me that so much news goes unreported and not just ordinary 'mundane' news but news that really gets to the point and indeed, has a BIG point to make. Tonight's programme, I missed the first 15 mins which was a pain because I didn't get the whole gist but it focussed on refugees fleeing Ethiopia, Somalia and walking to Saudi Arabia in the hope of a better situation. Walking through desert land with ONE and I mean ONE bottle of water to sustain them! And here we are in the 'free world' wasting so much water, food and money.. In this day and age it seems to utterly unfair and cruel that people are starving to death, having to flee and be dislocated from their homelands due to famine, drying land and wars. It seems so poignant that the wealthier continue to get wealthier and yet the poorer and absolute poorer struggle in a way that is difficult to comprehend. Hurts the heart for sure..and maybe sometime in the future, my calling might be to work abroad in such countries in the aid organisations depending on where my path in life leads me..

Today, I've had a real lazy day. I was going to do so much but in the end, I just enjoyed being in my 'home' and doing small jobs around the house, listened to music and read some more Maya Angelou. I've been listening to some Sinead O Connor, still love her voice and her version of Sacrifice, is outstanding! Her voice continues to completely draw me right in..she was blessed with such vocal talent!

Tomorrow, I hope to swim and sauna and feel fresh in this cold wintery weather that I love so much! So you political animals out there, get watching Unreported World!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Heal with softness

Soften to the clouds of white fluff,
The warmth of love..
Let the hardness crack and fade,
Come out of the dark shade.
Thaw the winter frost,
Heal the heart from pain and loss..

Just a short poem that's come to my head since reflecting about last weekend and a touching, ethereal moment that makes my heart jump and bounce when I think about this moment..All I know is, watching darkness turn to the bright blue light of daybreak is something else..I think i need to go and paint this moment aswell!

The end of my working week and I'm glad to be finished for my 4 day weeekend! Just gives me so much time to do everything I need to do at home, with kids, with myself etc etc.
I have some hair to do and have no firms plan in place. I hope to go to a vegetarian fayre on Friday and then may do a little bit of Xmas shopping, followed by taking a tour on the outdoor Ice- Skating rink in Nottingham and then warm up with mulled wine afterwards. I may also head to watch Choke at the cinema, but will see how things pan out, it will a be a lone day tomorrow but this doesn't really faze me as for God's sake, I left to live in Denmark alone and wandered around alone art galleries and such like fairly often so I guess this means, I'm fairly independent..if mates or boyfriend can't do things with me, then I go it alone rather than moping around..OK, this ain't always the feeling when I'm hormonal and the like but that's a fleeting feeling!

I've been invited to an Xmas Party on Saturday but I am seriously skint and not sure whether I'll go or not. I might meet up with a good friend to catch up with her for a drink and then see what happens. On the other hand, I might just stay at home and keep warm in this cold weather. I love this sparkly white wintry frost, I really do!

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Magical Mystery Tour and My Bed Beckons..

Sunday night and I'm a little wired! I went out last night with some mates to a club night and was lovely to dance and chat to a few buddies that were there. I was going to head off to another club all nighter but the thought of seeing A was much more tempting and indeed, the preferable one in all reality..don't get me wrong, I love clubbing and partying but the intimate times you share with a fellow human being with whom you have feelings for, is right up there high above any clubbing or party experience.
Anyway, 3am and I was on a bus heading to North of Nottingham to visit A. Was a beautiful morning when I arrived at the bus stop where he was to meet me - bright sparkly white frost all over the pavement and in the trees..truly beautiful and my fave look of winter! Anyway, we went on a small, although felt like long, magical mystery tour and then back to his.
Today, we spent the day being lazy, me recovering and then eating some food together before it was time for me to drag myself back home in time for my youngest son coming back home for times like this, it can be hard to wrench myself away from A and his company but the memories and replaying moments sort of maintain me on some level..and indeed, keep it all real and special.
So after a night of hardly any sleep and a fair bit of sitting on busses, I'm ready for my bed and pray may I have, the most sweetest dreams in the world!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Lessons in Life....

I watched Into the Wild tonight, directed by Sean Penn with Eddie Vedder used for the soundtrack. What a beautiful film this is if not sad and very profound. The main character who calls himself Alexander Supertramp, makes you think about so many thing that especially struck me was his honour to the young girl who he refused to sleep many men in this day and age choose to do this, when offered on a plate? This struck a chord in many ways aout the mixed messages that humans give to each other without thinking about the consequences about how certain action have the potential to really play with a person's emotional state.

Anyway, I would definitely recommend this film to nature and philosophical lovers of strikes a chord in so many ways and makes you think about life on a large and open level and indeed, in the grand scheme of universal things..very inspiring and touching for sure.. GO WATCH!!!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Post Inspection Unleashing

My workplace had their OFSTED inspection a few weeks ago and my faculty managed to score an outstanding for social inclusion and community engagement which in many ways, makes me feel good about the work that I do. I was also observed last week and the observation wasd ropped on me 3 hours before I was due to be observed, so a little freaked by this, I carried on as normal and managed to get a '2' for my teaching etc, which I'm more than happy with..Strive for a 1, so they say, but a 2 is good and that's all good by me!

I'm starting to feel a little Xmassy and am planning to go and get a few bits tomorrow - I'm late in buying my advent candle and so, will try my best and indeed hope, I can still get a hold of one! I'm also starting to feel like I want to start lettimg my hair down and getting into the Xmas spirit. Not sure as yet what to do this weekend and what will become of it and I guess the best is just to let the time flow and see what happens, friends ahve invited me to a club night and afterparty but I'm skint and not sure I can justify spending but I do feel like a dance for sure.
Had a long conversation and picked up on something that upset me...don't know what will become of this and yes we're all different and the like, I know this and I do appreciate this. However, I also realise that I'm too 'full on' for some people, but that's me and can people really change their essential personality? Yes I talk a lot, I chill, I get a heightened energy at times, I like to be in touch often, I don't know, I need to think long and hard about this one..I really should live in a commune methinks cos I am essentially a people person and although I do, at times crave space, I like the idea of a good community and having people around me and indeed, feel able to contact people for a chat and not feel bad about this..Hmm..