Love?

OK so I'm thinking about this word. It's interesting how some people use it so fleetingly; meet a person, fall into bed, think they're in love, see faults in the person, get irritated by the person and this is in the matter of a few weeks. I don't think one can call this love.

There's the other scenario, when two people meet each other and just connect instantly, like a bolt out of the blue, like a cosmic energy pushed these two souls together and instantaneously, a weird sort of cosmic love is born..an energy like no other.

Then there's the 'desperate to meet a person' scenario. Desperate for a relationship to fulfill one's own needs. Desperate to settle down with the first person who seems like the right choice. when really, deep down you know they;re not the right choice.

I've listened to many a person talk about love and their relationships; With him cos they're lonely and if something better comes along, they'll be off.
Ugghh, I really get a bad feeling in my stomach when I hear about this scenario and I really don't think it's fair to the other person to pretend something that one doesn't feel, just to bide time so to speak..I guess loneliness is a big factor with this scenario.
The full on 'I'm in love' they're the best and it's getting serious. Yet, space,a feeling of being crowded out, too many demands, comments about the person's seemingly physical faults; too fat, too thin, sweaty, smelly, repulsed..
Arggh, this makes me cringe too. I feel for the poor person who is classed as such. I don't think space is really an issue when you truly love someone. When you truly love someone, you don't give a shit about their fatness, sweatiness, faults, imperfections. No, all that you see is their beauty and their soul.You love everything about them. I remember my ex and I use to watch films together on a sofa bed and I'd pass out snoring loudly (sos guys but I'm a big snorer - always have been) and he used to softly turn me over and carry on watching the film. He never criiticised me for snoring, he never went off me because of this...instead he felt endeared to me because of this.

I wish people wouldn't use the word LOVE so fleetingly and so cheaply. OK so there's different sorts of love I know and many defintions of love; fondness, extreme attraction, romantic attachment blah blah blah. But sometimes it seems like people treat each other no better than what I'd class as a throw away society, a product to be used until they've had their fuss from that person; indispensible, to be utilised, abused, thrown out.
Maybe this is what Capitalism has done for people? Maybe our culture perpetuates this and indeed will continue to do so. I'm also not romanticising love, even though admittedly, I am a terrible romantic..does that sound odd?

I know for me, I thought hard and very carefully about ending my two long term relationships. I guess kids played a big part in this, 6 years for one and 11 years for the other. They weren't decisions that I decided over night. They came about because of years of feeling lonely, unhappy, separate, let down, let down greatly in fact.
The cogs in the wheels weren't functioning together one could say.. hence a need to split; after much thought, much trying to make things work, much hoping things may work...much realising things wouldn't work with either of the long term relationships.

I guess I've been lucky to experience the 'cosmic bolt' sort of love. I don't know if many people have felt this but I certainly have and with this comes a love that is purely and truly unconditional. It's also a love that has the potential to knock a person's balance and indeed as many writers and poets have noted, has the ability to cause great pain and insanity if misused, if abused, if taken for granted.Rather than nurturing it.
I'm glad I've felt the cosmic bolt love and maybe this has happened for a further and future reason in my life. The universe does seem to have ways of guiding one to where one should be.. Interesting, very interesting, wouldn't it be great to look through a crystal ball?
To myself I say, live for the day and stay grounded. Keep the heart grounded and keep the soul nurtured, do not be distracted, keep focussed and maintain an awareness.

Things that have touched me this week..

Watching a documentary about 'The Tibetan Book of the Dead'. The history of this text is fascinating and it was prophesised that a man would find it 600 years after it'd been hidden on the top of a mountain, between a stone structure. Indeed, it was found on the exact date of the prophecy! Fascinating history and fascinating content about how we shouldn't fear death. Indeed it describes the supposed stages that a person's soul travels through once they've died and in Tibetan Buddhism, monks guide the soul through these passages to rebirth. Extremely interesting and touched me greatly.

Listening to my new CD by Sigur Ros, Heim/Hvarf. Deeply touching, melancholic, uplifting, sad, joyous, all of the things that music should bring to the soul and heart. I keep returning to the belief that the lead singer has a voice almost parallel to Thom Yorke from Radiohead;talented, beautiful, quirky, eerie..

My niece asking me what the word 'Utopian' meant. She has a mind very much like my own; inquisitive, curious, adventurous, positive. And you might ask yourself why we wee discussing such a word? Well, I was discussing what I envisage a utopian society to be like. Most of my family ignore and indeed don't like to get into such dialogue yet my niece's ears were wide open..

My son laughing and asking me if he sould have something, he bowed and clasped his hands in true monk style saying 'Please your holiness?' Never in my life have I been called 'your holiness'. It made me laugh, it made me realise that he really has an affinity to the film Kundun and indeed, that when he wants his own way, 'your holiness' may help him get what he wants! Very funny and very touching!

I declare that I love................

Radio 4.

Seriously guys, this radio station is one of the most enjoyable media I listen to, apart from some of the plays and of course, my own music collection.
Today I heard a wicked discussion about Martin Scorcese and his style used for choosing actors. I heard interesting dialogue about Benazir Bhutto's assasination and the differenrt factions giving their thoughts. I love woman's hour and the discussions about mental health, forgot the name of the show re. mental health, ahh yes, it's called 'All in the Mind'. I also love the historical documentary discussions and the reviews/book at bedtime. Desert Island disc is quite fun too, depending on of course, who is being interviewed.
I think my fondness for this radio station is also due to my need for new stimuli and information, almost like I have an overactive brain that needs feeding with info to stay alive!
Anyway, I know R4 is a tad high brow at times and the stuffy english accents piss me off at times but for interesting info, it's worth some time to take a listen to and it helps me tune into other stuff rather than thinking about the woes and strife! Happy listening!

Roll on 2008

So another year nearly over, much laughter, much tears, much arguments, much beer, much fun, much heartbreak..much, much, much, it's all a bit of a muchness!

So, a new year for me, with many well waited changes and needs, indeed. The Ex to completely move his stuff out from mine next week, just waiting now for his keys to move in the place. Hopefully, this will add lightness for all concerned and our lives will move in the direction they should've moved in many years ago! I'm so patient, understanding, kind, giving blah blah blah, it kills me at times... It's been so irritating to want to have my own private life taking off and yet my ex has still been roaming around in the background, bit like a ghost who doesn't want to leave this existence. Hard work, tough, stressful and has taken its toll on me in many ways.

So, this means I can get on with things and put 100% into what I want my future to be. Who I invite round to myb house without fear that the ex may need a sofa to borrow for the night. Thank Fuckin GOD!!! All good things come to those who wait? So the saying goes...I hope so, I truly hope so.

Beloved, again, i cried today about him whilst I cycled..At times I get the most amazing force and urge in my heart that it aches, I must stay grounded and I must look to whatver the future holds.

NYE? I'm out with a dear friend for drinks and then clubbing. We both enjoy the same music and she's a good friend who;s company I enjoy. Rewind to this time last year and I shared a truly beautiful time with beloved on NYE morn..all to be forgotten by him. Tragic. But never forgotten by me. The human mind is a starnge thing, love is even stranger.

Xmas continued

So here's some piccys from today with my family. A good day had by all!

Xmas realities and feelings

Happy Xmas to you all!

- The pope sends greetings of peace and asks people to think about those in war torn zones, especially the Arab nations.

- Fidel Castro has been nominated to stand again for the Leadership in Cuba, he is contemplating standing down and letting his brother Raoul stand instead saying that a younger mind may be be better. Interesting this, it'll definitely be interesting to see what happens when he passes and how Cuba may/may not change.


Well the weather is not my idea of Xmas but hey, we live in the UK. I had a sweet Xmas Eve with family. jake wanted to watch Kundun again, he loves this film. He then was so excited about Santa Claus coming that he couldn't sleep. I told him that he wouldn't dare come into the house if Jake was still awake! He slept for about an hour and then woke up at 3.30am to open his pressies, very sweet, very endearing and very knackering! We went back to bed and slept until about 10ish.

Today, I felt tearsome when I thought about Beloved and what he may be up to..I hope he enjoys his Xmas. I can't just forget him and still think about him every day, every hour too, if truth be known; I still have much love in my heart for him, I'm sure I always will...
Anyway, time to get ready and head off to my brothers for more stuffing my face. I'm cycling over there with Jake, Anton prefers to walk cos he's embarrassed about me LOL. Teens eh????

Have a lovely day people. Peace be with you all and may you be showered with love and happiness.

Buddhist thoughts at Xmas

Buddhism: An Introduction
Buddhism is a major global religion with a complex history and system of beliefs. The following is intended only to introduce Buddhism's history and fundamental tenets, and by no means covers the religion exhaustively. To learn more about Buddhism, please look through our Web Resources section for other in-depth, online sources of information.


Siddhartha Gautama: The Buddha
Historians estimate that the founder of Buddhism, Siddhartha Gautama, lived from 566(?) to 480(?) B.C. The son of an Indian warrior-king, Gautama led an extravagant life through early adulthood, reveling in the privileges of his social caste. But when he bored of the indulgences of royal life, Gautama wandered into the world in search of understanding. After encountering an old man, an ill man, a corpse and an ascetic, Gautama was convinced that suffering lay at the end of all existence. He renounced his princely title and became a monk, depriving himself of worldly possessions in the hope of comprehending the truth of the world around him. The culmination of his search came while meditating beneath a tree, where he finally understood how to be free from suffering, and ultimately, to achieve salvation. Following this epiphany, Gautama was known as the Buddha, meaning the "Enlightened One." The Buddha spent the remainder of his life journeying about India, teaching others what he had come to understand.


The Four Noble Truths
The Four Noble Truths comprise the essence of Buddha's teachings, though they leave much left unexplained. They are the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering. More simply put, suffering exists; it has a cause; it has an end; and it has a cause to bring about its end. The notion of suffering is not intended to convey a negative world view, but rather, a pragmatic perspective that deals with the world as it is, and attempts to rectify it. The concept of pleasure is not denied, but acknowledged as fleeting. Pursuit of pleasure can only continue what is ultimately an unquenchable thirst. The same logic belies an understanding of happiness. In the end, only aging, sickness, and death are certain and unavoidable.

The Four Noble Truths are a contingency plan for dealing with the suffering humanity faces -- suffering of a physical kind, or of a mental nature. The First Truth identifies the presence of suffering. The Second Truth, on the other hand, seeks to determine the cause of suffering. In Buddhism, desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering. By desire, Buddhists refer to craving pleasure, material goods, and immortality, all of which are wants that can never be satisfied. As a result, desiring them can only bring suffering. Ignorance, in comparison, relates to not seeing the world as it actually is. Without the capacity for mental concentration and insight, Buddhism explains, one's mind is left undeveloped, unable to grasp the true nature of things. Vices, such as greed, envy, hatred and anger, derive from this ignorance.

The Third Noble Truth, the truth of the end of suffering, has dual meaning, suggesting either the end of suffering in this life, on earth, or in the spiritual life, through achieving Nirvana. When one has achieved Nirvana, which is a transcendent state free from suffering and our worldly cycle of birth and rebirth, spiritual enlightenment has been reached. The Fourth Noble truth charts the method for attaining the end of suffering, known to Buddhists as the Noble Eightfold Path. The steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are Right Understanding, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. Moreover, there are three themes into which the Path is divided: good moral conduct (Understanding, Thought, Speech); meditation and mental development (Action, Livelihood, Effort), and wisdom or insight (Mindfulness and Concentration).


Karma
Contrary to what is accepted in contemporary society, the Buddhist interpretation of karma does not refer to preordained fate. Karma refers to good or bad actions a person takes during her lifetime. Good actions, which involve either the absence of bad actions, or actual positive acts, such as generosity, righteousness, and meditation, bring about happiness in the long run. Bad actions, such as lying, stealing or killing, bring about unhappiness in the long run. The weight that actions carry is determined by five conditions: frequent, repetitive action; determined, intentional action; action performed without regret; action against extraordinary persons; and action toward those who have helped one in the past. Finally, there is also neutral karma, which derives from acts such as breathing, eating or sleeping. Neutral karma has no benefits or costs.


The Cycle of Rebirth
Karma plays out in the Buddhism cycle of rebirth. There are six separate planes into which any living being can be reborn -- three fortunate realms, and three unfortunate realms. Those with favorable, positive karma are reborn into one of the fortunate realms: the realm of demigods, the realm of gods, and the realm of men. While the demigods and gods enjoy gratification unknown to men, they also suffer unceasing jealousy and envy. The realm of man is considered the highest realm of rebirth. Humanity lacks some of the extravagances of the demigods and gods, but is also free from their relentless conflict. Similarly, while inhabitants of the three unfortunate realms -- of animals, ghosts and hell -- suffer untold suffering, the suffering of the realm of man is far less.

The realm of man also offers one other aspect lacking in the other five planes, an opportunity to achieve enlightenment, or Nirvana. Given the sheer number of living things, to be born human is to Buddhists a precious chance at spiritual bliss, a rarity that one should not forsake.

Xmas Spirit

- Fall out with your ex and get called an Arse
- Cry in bed
- Receive a phone call at 10.30pm from Gangstaman asking what I'm up to. Cry on the phone to him because that's all I'd done all day and he just happened to be the first person who spoke to me sweetly all night; poor guy has to endure me balling on about a load of bullshit. Bless him, he rang me back again to make sure I'm OK. Sweet to offload but wish I'd have been in a better place emotionally, he hardly knows me and thus a bombardment of emotion is a bit heavy. He's doing good though and his studio is coming along well, so he says, this I'm glad for him and glad he's focussing on what he loves Music!
- Son crys cos he said he wanted a DS PEARL game, I told him he hadn't asked Santa for it. He yells and balls. Yes, he still believes in Santa, he's 8. that's pretty good I reckon. Santa doies exist you know, I saw him.
- Eldest son hollars Fuck you, when he can't get his own way.


I love Xmas. Truly love it.

Have a great Xmas people. Thanks for your sweet comments, you've reminded me about sanity in my darkest moments.

A bit about Me and people thoughts

Me

Not really a beauty
Me,
'Face is somewhat unusual'
You see.
Attraction to some,
Not to all;
Unusual = Concrete wall.
Jade green eyes, changing shade;
Blue to grey
Depending on the day!
Small, oval, tiny
When terribly sad,
Wide, open, sensual,
When naughtily baaad.
The eyes to the soul -
Some may say,
Underneath it all,
An empty black hole.
Sexy at times -
But that = Grime
Meaningless bullshit
Loses its shine.
Poetry save me, focus -
This heart,
Keep it all together please,
From crumbling apart...



Recently I've been observing how very different people are who have kids and people who don't have kids. Those with kids seem to me, to be less selfish and less preoccupied with their own minds and bodies.

Many of my friends are childless and thus, seem to forget that I have to consider such things as planning childcare, having a good idea about when I'll be meeting them in the future et, due to the need to0 also plan arrangements with my son's father. Friends who are childless really DO forget these things. OK, it's not their fault and the like but it is irritating when friends let you down, after you've forward planned something and thus then, have no other alternative friend to do something with cos you've been let down at the last minute..this particularly annoys me.

Friends with kids, have a better understanding it's true, about the trials and tribulations of parenting, relationship break ups when kids are involved, very limited time and the fact that your 'personal space' time, is extremely precious and sought after.
I'm not dissing singles here but I notice these things more and more with people. In some ways maybe this leads to me to the conclusion that I will endeavour to become even more self sufficient both emotionally, culturally and physically..if you get mt meaning? Do things alone, enjoy time alone. Maybe on some level too, I am too muich of a caring person and thus put too much of my energy into others?? Yes, I think this is something that definitely needs to be changed..when I think about things at times, I think to myself,
Who is really thinking about me and how I'm feeling? By this I mean 'really' thinking, not just saying 'are you OK?'.
Who is really thinking about my needs? By this, am I coping? Do I need help with something?
What I'd like to do? By this I mean, in the timescale that I have childfree time..


Maybe the future for me if I do ever meet a man who would like to enjoy times with me, will have to be one who has experienced fatherhood,or who is 'in' fatherhood and indeed has some element of reponsibilty, compassion etc etc. Who really does 'care' who really does see when I', suffering, who really knows how to be of help and understand and love me fully and wholly... not practically but emotionally and physically..maybe I'm asking too much here..maybe this is an impossibilty with anyone?

Anyway, my childless friends seem to sometimes obssess over minor issues which indeed to them are truly important but to me, seem like really small and quite meaningless issues really. This isn't a fault or character assassinations but general observations and acknowledgements.

I'm glad that my son has a Dad who understands these issues, even though at times he has annoyed me and through the latter part of our relationship he was a complete pain and made me feel VERY lonely, I'm glad of his practical support in many ways and I do feel that as a friend, I'll always be able to call on him if I encounter any problems. OK we are separated and our lives will definitely change and diversify when he gets properly settled (as was the bloody hope 3 years ago) in his new place, maybe also if he meets a new woman but I do feel he'll always have a general respec t and understanding...It's funny cos maybe he's been trying to purposely hold out from removing his belongings out. I started to bag up many of his items last year, in the hope he's move them to his sisters and did he move them? No, he left them here to pick up dust and cobwebs just like the love between us did..I can now finally declare that these bags will be gone the week of the New Year..what a release I will feel, I'm sure..
The last year and a half has been one of the most toughest of my life; being properly split from soemone and yet they still asking if they can stay with you for 2/3 nights of the week, again my ridiculous caring nature kicking in again when really, I should've just refused this, it isn't normal to live like this after you've split from someone and it's caused me a lot of emotional trauma and haedacahes, plus my Mum hasn't been here to talk to, deary deary me, this has been real tough. No wonder I have temple headaches everyday, just shows how emotional stress hurts the brain and heart.
And then I think about beloved and how the whole thing has probably been a complete delusion on my part; I didn't think it was, I thought I knew him, I thought there was a special bond that kept us connected on some level and that one day, maybe we'd really be together..that I understood him and forgave him and loved him unconditionally so..he felt like magic in my life and very special but now I'm starting to question the whole thing, the whole 3 years, the whole fact that we wer probably just so very different in our thoughts; New Year wasn't even in his memory, nEw Years to me felt like a new start, a good sign of better things to come, much love and happiness. It just goes to show how people's thoughts, memories and emotions are all so completely different. I think this goes to show my loneliness too..dear me.

Anyway, please don't see this post as negative or the like, I'm just working through a lot of thoughts and emotions right now that are throwing up all sorts of things in my path LOL.Don't worry, I don't think I'll be having a 'dark' Xmas, the kids will make it light, I hope.

Gosh my writing is disjointed and rambly today. sorry, I'm tired and feeling like I have a rush of thought and emotion flooding me. I think I need to really take myself off for a very, very long rest and sleep.

Sparkly sparkly dancey party

Hoorah! Work is done and now it's time to proper party. Last night the curry was fab, I was on top form and had a lovely time with my mates. Real good fun, we got chatting about male/female power/imbalance/balance/ sex relations etc etc etc. My friends were shocked that my earliest boy fancy was when I was 4 years old!! Hmm I think I just was an early starter in seing beauty in people...maybe?

Anyway, after getting rather drunk, I finally poled in at 2am.

Tonight is a dancing night - technoey affair, muchos vodka, muchos fun, muchos laughter, I hope...I know this will be the case, I do not need to hope!
I feel sparkly today, happier and like life is good despite the shit that's happened recently, I ain't gonna let such things get to me now. Beloved made his decisions to never have anything steady and serious with me. Thus, I make my decisions toi lead my life into new directions, happenings, people.. I still get moments where I cry and feel terribly sad and bereft but I've decided that I've always been the second option amongst all of the other women that have walkedin, or been in his life. This isn't fair and this I refuse to be part of and indeed endure again.. I'm sure he'll be happy with his new love

No kids
Same age
Same interests - I guess?
No responsibilties
No complications
Apparently, he thinks she's beautiful, so one of his forum posts mentioned. Dear me man, can you actually be a little more fuckin insensitive?

Piece of cake relationship eh,? Let's hope so, let's sincerely hope so..let's hope it all goes swimmingly and they live happily ever after..Do I sound jealous? Hmm I guess I do. I'm just experiencing a range of emotions where he's concerned, from -

Rage
Anger
Sadness
Loss
Bereft
Depression
Grief
BLAH BLAH FUCKIN BLAH - I'm just really hurt in fact and really sad that things go all amok again. Yes, it's my issue that I can't deal with him meeting someone new but that's why I have to protect my heart, it really is. Oh dear me. And New Year? Not remembering it? That reallllllllllly hurts....


Anyway, loss and sadness aside, I'm determined to have fun and here's to a wicked night guys, I'm seriously ready for letting it all out big styleeeeeee!!

Good things come....to Sweet Sara

So I receive a sweet email from my Greenland friend Filip. What a lovely name, OK we have philip but Filip just looks and sounds nicer as a name. I am, to him, 'Sod Sara'. Now the Sod word, would normally have a line through it, which makes an 'er' sort of sound and the word sod in Danish, actually translates as 'sweet' not a sod! So No, I'm not a sod but a sweet Sara!! Confused? He told me it was a gift to meet me and that he had a happy and lovely time in the short time that we managed to chat..

So my friend was telling me how his kids have gone over to Greenland for the Xmas period and that he was really missing them. He's been a lone father for quite a while but has randomnly got back with the mother of the kids due to circumstances etc. He works in the Wind turbine industry, which you may or may not know, is s BIG industry in Denmark. Windfarms are EVERYWHERE!!!!! All good if you ask me..

So there we have it, a new penpal in Denmark who's a Greenlander! Interesting combination, interesting history and culture. Be sweet to keep in contact with him, he seems a man with a big heart and lots of respect for women.

Well, time to knuckle down for the solstice. A time of letting go of old, bringing in new...I wonder if this is what my dream symbolised the other day?
'I was in an ocean with four walls that had long crimson curtains hanging from them..i moved towards the walls to go through the curtains but then the flippin a;arm clock woke me up - BASTARD ALARM CLOCKS!!! I wanted to find out what happened when I came out of the other side of the curtains...maybe symbolism to leave the old behind? Death and rebirth? Maybe..who knows? My mate said maybe it symbolised the female genitalia..curtains being the obvious??'

Hmm I love my dreams and I love dreaming...Let go of the old and bring the new to fruition. Blessings to you all on the Solstice.

Let it snow happiness and brightness all around me

Not long til Xmas, as you've all gathered by now. Well, I have a few parties/gatherings to attend. One on Thursday night in a South East Asian restaurant curry house. One on Friday night, rauccous techno dancey affair. I'm looking forward to both of these nights a lot. The first one is with a load of good friends who I see nearly every 6 weeks for curry..always ends up loud and heated.
The second night, I'm looking forward to dancing, drinking mulled wine and being with another very good friend and indeed, the sweet people who run this night.

I've been dreaming loads at the moment and beloved is entering my dreams nightly. Interesting that he keeps returning to me through my dream state. A nearly 3 year friendship can not be forgotten easily. Well, in not in my case at least. My friend said to me

'To you it was always more than Friendship Sara'.

She hit the nail on the head and is completely right,I guess that's what's been the problem all along. He had a different agenda to mine..sad but true.

Hohum, time for a party and time to enjoy myself. I hope the heavens shine brightness and happiness all around me this weekend..I keep getting images of Santa Troll in my head. Does this mean I'm ready for sectioning????

Things that've made me smile this week...

OK, to lighten the tone and get all silly and happy, I think I eed to do a weekly rundown of things that've made me laugh during the week..here goes

1. Watching an episode of Bagpuss, the one where Tavish Mactavish plays bagpipes really craply, whilst living in The Highlands in Scotland! I like the story and I love the little, wee Hamish's that are actually, porcupine pin cushions. I love Emily's shop and I adore Bagpuss!

2. An episode od Six Feet Under - Nate gets high on E without knowing he's taken it, very funny and brilliantly acted!

3. My mate and I in Copenhagen getting all arty and taking ridiculous photos of random stupid things!

4. My Gangsta man mate texting me, pissed and late at night - writing suggestive texts! Dream on brother, you're a mate and no more - find yaself a whore, cos I ain't givin no fucka a cheap and meaningless piece of me! Laughed my head off!

5. Getting pissed on Christiania on Jule brew and Irish Coffee, having a sweet conversation with the bar man who my mate rightly acknowledged 'He had a sweet, kind face with open and honest eyes'. I agreed.

6. Putting the Xmas tree up with my youngest son. It looks gorgeous and sparkly. I love white, clear fairy lights and I have a gorgeous white paper star lantern that I bought in Copenhagen that is just the business. I've also added fairy lights to my mini golden tree decoration in my dining room and lots of candles, candles, candles....All of this lovely cosiness made me smile and look forward to Xmas. Sparkly lights really do add warmth on these cold nights..

7. People who think they look cool in trilbys. Some do, some don't. The ones who don't make me want to pull them off their heads and say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

8. Men who think they know about female genitalia when really, they have no idea. Sos guys, I'm not trying to make anyone feel uncomfortable here but FFS, Go do your homework!!!
9. Pretend, ungenuine, 'to be hip' Socialists. If they don't know how to treat their fellow humans with respect then they're never a real socialist. Stop PRETENDING, STOP TRYING TO BE SUMMAT YOU REALLY ARE NOT. This particualrly amuses me.

More to follow.....

Ain't the world a suprising place?

Ain't it weird how you really never know anyone 100% and this cycle of deceit, nastiness and lies becomes the norm to some people, they think you know nothing about them, they pat you on the back or act all sweet to you hiding their lies and bullshit - and indeed, they act all nice cos they feel the most utmost guilt about their actions and they worry about whether you'll be in a state because of this...Oh well, I guess being fat and needing a makeover is all the narrow minded folk of today think about...gosh and yet they think they're soooo cool and yet they're sooooo pretentiously stuck in their own ridiculous reality. I never want to be around these sort of people.....BUT, the REAL scary thing is for those blinded people, who think they know a person 100% but they know nothing, absolutely nothing..this makes me laugh somewhat.. Sorry if this sounds cryptic, it's not meant to..it's just a thought that's been amusing me somewhat...And I guess it's come about because of some rather disturbing info I was recently informed about regarding someone via an email and an accidental conversation. Dear me, if only..... No. Forget it Sara. Forget what you know.

So they call people fat,
Repulsed; a smelly, worn hat,
Many of the tyrants of today,
Fill my open heart with dismay,
The dregs of nastiness;
Soapscum with heart of callousness.
So they think they're all SO cool,
Who do they really think they fool?
Certainly not those with eyes wide open,
Who embrace others with kindness, only to be trod on
broken.
And they play the sensitive and sweet,
But they fall down lowly on their feet,
Projecting their own faults and shit,
In the face of others; Smash, hit,
Vulgar thoughts and actions,
These people need a bubble; a beware caption...

Finality Finalised

I return home to the news that my ex now has been given a date to move into his new place. It will be just after the New Year, which is great news for him. New Year, new start - in every way, I imagine. I have no idea what to do for the New Year as yet and I guess it all depends on childcare which, it may well be that my son's Dad is looking after his son on this eve.

OK so here's a rundown of my recent break away.

I borrowed my friend's bike and cycled down and across the lakes to an area called Norrebro. I thought it'd be interesting to find a cosy bar, where I'd feel at home in, as a lone female. I decided on a great little bar called Blagards Apoteket on Blagards Place; a radical bar that houses some of the most radical live bands on the Danish music scene. I ended up chatting to a freindly danish man called Bjorn, who had three kids, all of whom are now grown up. The band I watched were great with an excellent female lead vocalist. The atmosphere was also wonderfully chilled and friendly. Bjorn lived in a place called Valby and so we walked home to Frederisksberg together, as this is on the way to Valby and said our goodbyes. It was good to chat to a random man with no fixed agenda, on anyone's part.

I went to the Xmas Jule Marked on Christiania. This was just as I remembered - amazing!!! I had Irish coffee and then ended up in my favourite bar Woodstock for a few Xmas Jule Brews. I got chatting to a man from Gambia who'd lived in Denmark for 25years! My mate wanted to leave earlyish so I semi arranged to meet the Gambian man, Sam again later if I decided to wonder back down to Christiania. I'd also received a sweet email from Filip. my new Greenland friend. Sadly, he was moving accommodation and was out of the city area so we were unable to link up. His email was very sweet though and indeed lovely to hear that he's doing OK.
One thing I loved about the people I met, all men, was there was no agenda to try and get off with me or indeed make a move on me. Almost like these men can be friends with you even though I'm female. I remember this is what I liked about living in Denmark years ago; men could be true friends without wanting to get in your knickers!! It was nice just to chat to Sam and Bjorn and I felt very relaxed and indeed not threatened by their company, more like they were sweet associates than a potential predator!
Anyway....

I went for a long, long bike ride all around the city, west to north. It was cold but truly delightful. I stopped and window shopped in secondhand/retro stalls and enjoyed the laid back ambience that is Copenhagen and it's neighbouring suburbs.

In the evening, my friend and I had a drink in the local 'bodega' and then got take out curry and two bottles of wine. We also got a little high after out Christiania expedition purchases..she now has a new found woman supplier for all things cannabis like! (remember hash is still sold openly on Christiania)

Up at 5am and on to the metro, I was called 'Smukke' (beautiful)this morn at 6am by a drunken Danish man, I didn't feel smukke and I'm sure I didn't look 'smukke' but sweet and funny nonetheless.

Again a wonderful time and a good break..I've now put up the Xmas tree with my son and discussed with my ex about his new place. Two weeks and his life will be so different as will minbe; no more staying at mine when he needs a sofa, free to move forward and start living the way I wanted to over nearly three years ago. Gosh!

I miss beloved and I still feel sad about the whole depressing situation but maybe this is the right time to really cut him from my heart, New Year and all that? How ironic that he was the person who I truly wished to have something long term with and yet I have nothing..that feels sad and it hurts. Maybe I was just the scraps left over in his life? How sad and crap at the same time that you can be so close to someone and then it all diminishes to nothing...I hate this and it's not my style of friendships but I still know that I need to protect my heart from further upset and heartbreak because it truly has been dealt far too many blows of recent...let him shower his new love with his love but funnily enough, I'm not convinced for some odd reason. Not convinced at all. Maybe I've just been a complete and utter twat? Well, I know my heart is kind and will only settle properly when it's treated by one who knows about passion, kindness, love, acceptance, respect, patience etc etc.

Anyway...here's to the Winter Solstice and the New Year. Roll on fast 2008!!!!

Music that Moves

So, I've been listening to Sigur Ros's new sounds recently. The new CD Heim/Hvarf is truly astounding and beautiful; so much so, some of the tracks truly move me to tears especially Von and I gaer - (I'm guessing I gaer means 'IN GEAR' - at least in Danish it means this and Icelandic does have some slight similarities to Danish)...There's something so melancholically sad but a true musical delight at the same time.
The singer has an amazing voice and the accompanying violins and drums make their music so special. Funnily enough, the lead singer's voice and emotional displays, remind me somewhat of Thom Yorke from Radiohead. Not afraid to show and feel emotion as they sing, like their whole energy and raw passion for their music is unleashed and almost like they want to give me, the listener, a worthwhile experience..I really wish I could play an instrument, I know I could unleash all of my emotions into my music if I played. It's never to late to learn I know and the piano was a wish to learn, for this year but sadly, it hasn't happened as yet.
Maybe I should join a singing group or something instead, I love singing but get shy and don't sing well in front of others for fear that they'll judge my voice. The only person who completely encouraged me to practice singing and who I eventually let my guard down to, was my eldest son's father, Jorgen..He said I had a voice very similar to Suzanne Vega especially when I added the touch of an american accent..Hmm..I wonder?

Here's a link to Sigur Ros anyway..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigur_R%C3%B3s

http://www.sigur-ros.co.uk/

Trying to see the light in darkness

I won't go into detail but I'm sad at the moment and I've had to make some heartbreaking decsions but they're all because of self protection and preservation. I've got to try to let go and step back. The decision concerning this didn't come lightly but was strangely on impulse and because I became very upset and felt very hurt.

Anyway today, whilst searching the Danish site of Christiania, I felt a jump of joy in my heart when I read that the Xmas market is being held up until the 20th December. This made a little light of happiness and joy switch on to read this. I remember going to this market many years ago, back in the Xmas of 1993, when I lived in Denmark. I remember how truly delightful this market was;held in the Gra Hall, darkness all around but lit up by candles and fairy lights, sooooo romantically beautiful and warm..The market sells all sorts of things, candles, handcrafted items, cakes, wines, decaorations etc etc, if my memory serves me right and there's also a distinct waft of mulled wine in the air! This has lifted my heart to picture the image I have from way back in the 90s and I greatly look forward to seeing and indeed experiencing this again soon!

I'm off to light some candles and reflect to some music..

Love never left

So I sort through my files,
search for the letters,
Emails, poems, pictures,
That I saved -
For nearly 3 years.
And there they are-
Wrapped safely in the plastic wallet,
Of what would normally contain the traces -
Of work; Paper, writings, criterias, eveidences.
And there is my personal evidence,
Clear as a cold, wintery day,
Evidence of when we first met,
That first night,
Cold but bright,
How you first felt,
That first kiss
At the bottom of stairs
Inside.
Blew your mind
So you said.
The email proved it -
'Blew my mind - I'm saying no more'.
When I read those words
A wave of sadness
Overcame.
Such a shame,
That we never made something together
Of lasting love,
Fun, happiness.
What a shame that your feelings
Were never as deep
And sincere as mine.
Or was it?
For I remember you said
'You loved my smell'
Earthy - at that time
Worthy.
And you found my hair,
This knowledge with me
You shared.
Intuitively so, you cared?
What a shame,
You fell in love with others
And not me -
For an eternity.
For all I have left now
Are your evidences of words, feelings,
Paper, my hair, smell, which eventually -
Will fall apart to dust,
Nothing but rust,
And echoes of the love
That never left me...
So I gather the evidences
And place them carefully,
Away, lock them up
And vow to leave them be,
To live their life freely,
Words, feelings, all for the new found love,
Not me -
Sadly.

Closing the path

I close the book,
The chapter of love,
Sorrow, friendship.
Heartache, painstake.
I close the chapter
On takers,
Taking my goodness,
My positivity,
And sucking it dry
For the benefit of others,
Their persona?
Unconditional yes,
But to what extreme?
Live-in an empty dream
Of nothingness,
Meaningless,
Delusions,
Empty conclusions.
I close my heart,
My soul, my giving
Me.
I open my eyes,
My heart for those -
Who see -
The real me,
Who love me,
Never judge me
Nurture me.
And if ever..
Another enters my life..
I only offer love to one -
Who truly cherishes me.
Who speaks the truth,
Not empty words,
Or insincere gestures.
I meant nothing.
NOTHING!!!
I now cut mt heart;
Essentially myself.
Let the pain leave -
A stream of sadness,
A path of broken veins,
Tired heart - broken in two
Forever.

Reasons, friends and oobejoobie

Weirdly, today has been full of the most strange but lovely happenings. I met a few good friends in the city;we sat in the pub and had some warming winter drinks and had much laughter about our secret word - ooobeeejooobie.My friend bought me a beautiful rose quartz heart and said that she thought I needed help with my heart for it has been sad and she feels that I need some happiness in my heart, which rose quartz is reputedly good at bringing. I will sleep with it tonight and cherish it I reckon!

I received a text from my recent friend, Gangstaman, who I see hardly anything of but who I do enjoy chatting to a fair bit. He again has been in London this weekend. He asked if I would like to meet up with him when he arrived back in the city..I said maybe, depending on time etc...anyway, my friends and I then went to get a German sausage and some hot chocolate with Baileys in. Afterwards, my gangstaman mate was quite into meeting up so I said OK. Anyway, on the way to the station to meet him, I walked across the lovely water feature in the Market Square. My friend was urging me not to take such a risk but I am a risk taker, it has to be said! We crossed the water feature safely, no-one drowned. I texted gangstaman back and asked him when his train would be arriving back in the city; no answer. OK, I thought, maybe he's just playing games or has changed his mind. I texted again. No reply. Hmm. So I decided to go home and chill out.

Tonight, I received a sweet phone call from him apologising that his phone battery had gone and thus couldn't text me back to arrange when to meet! He apologised profusely and asked if he could link up with me as soon as possible. As soon as possible will be the week after this now, as I have a weekend away this weekend and have no childcare during the week. What I like about this man is the fact that he talks very openly and frankly about his issues and the fact that he's dealing with them. I never feel like he's judging me and my life situation. I even told him my ex had been staying here to which he said as long as you get on, then that seems all cool..I like the fact that he's open and honest with me. I like the fact that he's started to compliment me quite a lot even though we've not spent hardly any time together.

Anyway, I'll plan a day to see him after my weekend break. He made me laugh when he said, Do I think he'd make a good escort? He needs money and is a poor student...the things the brain thinks about eh??? I told him to focus on his studio work in his flat and music, to finish his dissertation and to focus on the creative things rather than the need for money..

I tried to call beloved but he failed to pick up twice, my conclusion was that he was with his girlfriend and didn't want to chat with me..he texted me later and asked me to call tomorrow, saying he'd been wrecked after last night and thus, it'd be better maybe to chat tomorrow. I know this man will forever live in my heart, my heart aches so at times because I miss his presence and soul but my heart can't keep feeling heavy and achey, it can't keep feeling denied of love..The rose quartz will help me, I'm determined.

So, the plans for today were all a bit random but fum all of the same..I hope gangstaman sticks with his plans to have certain help with some issue that he discussed with me, he's open to it and thus I know he's ready to help heal his heart..

Life moves and we're all moving along in it and there's certainly a reason for evrything in our lives.
"If we continue to do as we've always done, then we'll always get what we've always got.."

The F**ckin sooner the better!!!!!!

As you know, my ex has been waiting to be rehoused. He has been offered a small place not far from me, however, they're not sure when he'll be able to move in..they've told him that it could be before Xmas, or just right after. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner the better.
Recently, for example, the last two weeks or so, he's been asking to stay at mine due to his sister wanting 'space' at the weekend. This, pisses me right off. It means that I've had to endure him being around me for the last few weekends..I feel like I'm being invaded of my space, I hide up in my room cos I feel I want and need my privacy away from him, this also means that I've recently been going out on Sundays to avoid being at home when he's in my house. Well folks, this really can not go on any longer, I've had enough of it and I want my life to properly start now rather than holding off for years, due to him taking the piss with getting his shit together..
So, this week, he's at his sisters until Thursday which on this day, I'm travelling away until Sunday, so that's all good - I don't have to be around him at all!!!
The plan now, phew, is that he will be out of my hair completely by Xmas. I want my life to move forward, I want to have friends over as I used to at the weekends, not so long ago when he was staying at his brothers and sisters. I feel I can't at the mo, cos he's been invading the space again. I can't wait for him to REMOVE all of his belongings, I feel like they clutter my house, my space, my head. This all sounds horrible in some ways but I have to get it off my chest and the sooner he's living in his own place, the goddamned blummin better! Roll on two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many other people would've put up with having an ex staying with them at times? Not many methinks, he's been lucky that people have been so kind and understanding but now my patience and kindness are waring thin.

All a whirr

Had a weird day today, hectic and a weird feeling in the back, left hand side of my brain. I made my peace with beloved and apologised for a few things. Anyway again, I dreamt very haevily last night and then today, I wrote this poem..

Whirr of my brain and heart

This force in my heart pushes,
My brain experiences rushes
Like never before..
This feeling gets me right at the core.
Sends me dizzy, heart feels sore.
My head all a whirr,
Gut pangs ache, in my body - they stir.
His image remains in my head -
His smile, voice, tugs the thread,
That pulls at my heart -
Missing him when we're apart.
Aching and craving-
For him I keep saving,
My passion, my desire
Rekindle my heart on fire.
My beautiful love..


However, I did manage to swim, I shopped a little, I went for a coffee and read The Big Issue and the rest of the Weekend magazine that I'd fail to read at home. I cycled in the rain which I really enjoyed, funnily enough. AND I'm out tonight with my lovely buddies. Cheap black russian cocktails and dancing until the early hours. Should be FUN!!!!!

Goddess of love

I've always had an interest in Gods and Goddesses but the trouble is, getting enough time to fully read up about them and retain the information when I have read about them because many of the stories are so intertwined.
Anyway, I did a funny quiz when bored, to see which Norse Goddess I am and it seems I'm Freya, Goddess of love- Read on annd find about who I supposedly am the most goddess like!


The Goddess Freya

Freya was a warrior goddess, a Valkyrie, and also the goddess of sensual love. Though this captivating goddess had numerous lovers, she was the wife of the mysterious Norse god Od.
Freya was a spectacular beauty known for her appreciation of romantic music and stunning floral arrangements. That was her softer side; she was also known as the goddess of war and death.
As leader of the Valkyries, she had considerable power. She had the right to claim half the souls of the bravest warriors who died in battle. Actually going onto the battlefield, she would gather them up and take them back with her to spend the after-life in her home in perpetual rest and recreation. A sweet and generous woman, she always invited their wives or lovers to come and live with them.
The other half of the heroic warriors, who belonged to Odin, would be gathered up by the Valkyries and taken to Valhalla where they were able to live in comfort and honor.
She was also called upon to comfort those who were dying, to ease their transition into Valhalla (the "otherworld"), serving as a guide and companion on the journey to Valhalla for many Viking heroes who had died nobly.
When Freya and the Valkyries rode forth on their missions, their armor caused the eerily beautiful flickering light that we know as the Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights.
Freya and Od were wed, but soon after their wedding Od disappeared and all feared that he was dead, perhaps killed by the ruling deities for disobeying their orders.
Freya was distraught and cried tears of gold, but refused to accept that he was dead. Putting on a magical cloak made of falcon feathers that allows the wearer to fly across vast distances very quickly, she rose into the sky and searched all over the earth for him.
Indeed, Od had not died but had been banished and lost at sea. When Freya found him he had already degenerated into a sea monster. Hideous as he appeared, Freya stayed by his side and comforted him.
When someone stumbled upon the sea monster and killed him, Freya was enraged and threatened to take her revenge for the slaying the most noble of the gods. Fortunately it all worked out as Od was admitted to Valhalla even though he had not died in battle, and was allowed to have conjugal visits from Freya so that the two were never separated by his death.
Freya's name was "The Lady" or "mistress", and may be the source of our name of the fifth day of the week, Friday. With her twin brother, Fryr ("The Lord"), these divine twins were the Norse deities of untamed nature.
Freya had many other lovers, although she deeply loved her consort Od. (Remember, monogamy had not been invented yet and infidelity was the social norm.) Aphrodite's amorous escapades pale by comparison with those of Freya, whose unbridled sexuality was legendary.
Usually depicted as a strawberry blonde with stunning blue eyes, none could resist her. To make matters even worse, like the Greek goddess Aphrodite, she possessed apparel that made her irresistible to men. . . a magical necklace reputedly made of amber and rubies that was called a "brisling" or "brisingamen".
Freya had left it a bit late to leave her friend's house to start home. The sun set, and it began to snow. Soon she was becoming disoriented and frost-bitten. Luckily she was found by four dwarves who rescued her and took her to their home. The dwarves were named "North, South, East, and West".
Freya volunteered to pay them for their hospitality and the four dwarves cheerfully agreed, saying that they would like to be repaid by having her sleep with each of them for one night. Freya wasn't at all interested and promptly declined.
Until . . .
She saw the incredibly beautiful necklace that they had just made. She had to have it and offered to return after the storm and pay for it in gold. They may have been dwarves, but they weren't stupid -- they told her it was not for sale at any price, but countered with an offer that they would be delighted to simply give it to her if she were willing to pay their price for her room and board during the storm.
When Freya returned home after the storm subsided, she was wearing the stunning "necklace of desire".
The goddess Freya's passions were abundant, vigorous, and unrestrained. Clothed or not, she is usually shown in sensual poses.
She is often depicted riding her golden chariot through the skies, the chariot pulled by two large blue cats who were a gift from the Norse god Thor.
Freya chastised Thor soundly one morning for awakening her from her beauty sleep with his boisterous and noisy preparations to "go fishing" for a sea dragon. While he was on the way to his fishing spot, Thor kept hearing lovely song-like noises that seemed to be lulling him to sleep.
Stopping to investigate the source of the odd sounds, he found them coming from a nest of mewing blue kittens being tended by a tomcat. The sound that Thor had heard was the male cat singing to the kittens, "Sleep, sleep, my dear little ones".
Thor suggested (in forceful terms) that the cat stop singing the lullaby and the cat sassed him back, suggesting that Thor had no idea how difficult it was for a single-parent male to rear his children and asking if he knew any women who would be willing to take them in.
Immediately Freya came to mind, and Thor agreed to take them to her. Like all cats, this one was not quick to show appreciation and added that, being blue, they were very unique cats and deserved an especially fine home. Thor took offense at the comment and thundered back at the cat who, not the least impressed, bared his claws and then turned into a bird and flew away.
Kindly Freya was enchanted with Thor's present and did the kittens honor by letting them accompany her on her daily rounds across the sky.

So, there you go. Although I'm disimilar to her regards her numerous lovers and wed! I've never been wed and I'm definitely a 'one man woman' when it comes to matters of the heart. I do love flowers, music, spring and I am very fair and kind..I think?

Am I

Am I just an afterthought?
In the game of life.
Am I the mermaid at sea, caught?
Who lost her soul to love.
Am I the woman in the woods?
Surrounded by wolves about to cull.
Am I the one whose mocked?
Pushed around, forgot.
Am I the one whose missed?
Deeply in his heart.
Am I the one whose love?
Tears his soul apart.
Am I the one who warms him, each time he sees my face?
Or does he look at me and wonder.. what a disgrace.
Am I the one who echoes daily in his mind?
Or has he detached so much, all that's left is a mime.
Am I the one who beats, daily in his heart?
Or has he cut the cord, pulled the veins apart.

I miss beloved...

Leaves

Time to let it go;
Like an autumn leaf,
Twisting to and fro,
Yellow and dying,
Turn into dust, relieved
That its death has come.
Even though the falling - is one of glum
And overcome.
For the leaf has been beaten,
Trod on, shattered, battered.
In the heart of its veins -
Once bore fruitful life,
Such hope, anticipation
Such cause for celebration,
The leaf has been left -
On the side of the road, not an evergreen,
Not seen, or shiny
But freyed, grimey and worn.
Unlike the new leaves -
That are born -
Into new life;
Blossomy fruition,
Bud of recognition.
Beauty of youth.
Fresh and untorn,
Bright, unworn.
The leaf crumbles and parts,
Veins break away from its heart.

Jaded journey

I'm in a car with a person, a woman, who I do not know. She drives me through what seems like a large canyon, greyish in colour, desert like, but with the most amazing lake of the beautifullest colour jade you could ever wish to see. She parks the car and I walk to the lake's edge and breathe in its beauty, having an urge to dive into the depth of this jewel and let it carry me away. A motorbike pulls up with a female passenger, young lovers I guess, who are embarking on their loved life. They both step away from the motorbike and the female of the two, dives into the water and swims, he later joins her and they seem blissful.
We set off again in the car and end up in an old dark room, with lots of people playing old musical instruments. The atmosphere is beautifully serene.
I'm then sat outside looking up at beautiful old church on a very steeplike cliff, with a little girl playing close to the edge, my heart jumps each time she comes close to the edge of the cliff, for fear that she will fall off the edge of the cliff. The church is in of all places Derby..the beautiful place with the lake is 7 miles out of Derby!
I'm walking around my derelict workplace, old wooden desks, bureaus and an auction. I want the bureau and one of the desks that is covered in people's p[ast time graffiti.
My dream ends there.....

Why???????

OK, so I've had a little bit of time to contemplate stuff. I'm actually questioning why a person would forget a touching moment and indeed always a lively event such as New Year's Eve; Indeed to be called at 3am in the morning, a person seemingly very happy to see you, then the gift of offering so much physical and emotional love and affection to a person, is difficult to contemplate when someone forgets this dear, dear me.. Well, I'm thinking hard and my conclusions lead me to the following thoughts and reasons:

1. The person was extremely drunk/wasted and has no memory
2. The person detached his emotion from the event
3. The person's brain is not wired up the same way as mine is and thus may experience some sort of memory loss.
4. The person is experiencing some confusion about many things and has genuinely forgotten


I always try to understand the 'why' of a given situation and indeed try to make sense of it. Granted I was very angry and upset the other night about the words I heard because sincerity and honesty are virtues that I've always held as important to me and the friends/lover I choose.
I'm mad at myself for being upset and shouting but at times like this, these sort of denials are really upsetting and make you feel like the event was unspecial, unimportant, untrue. This is why I'm upset.

I do hope that one day I'll talk to beloved about this but I feel that I'm best having a little time out because he has a new girlfriend which, as much as I try not to, I can't help but feeling sad about it, selfish reasons of course on my part..I find it hard to even talk about her with him, which means that I should take time out and step back. I want for him to be happy in his life but I guess when you see a person you love with another, it makes you feel sad and lonely inside.

I think this week is one for quiet contemplation and reflection. I always have had love in my heart for beloved and deep down, I feel he has for me, but he chooses his path for reasons that are understandable but still, this doesn't make it any easier. Oh dear, what a quandry and I'm sorry that my last few posts have taken so much of this sort of energy but I just have to feel like I can get things a little off my chest....
Sometimes, I think I really should've been born into a different period of time..

A feeling of hurt

It's amazing that things which to you are special, seem to mean nothing to another person. By this I mean special moments and time spent. It makes me realise the distance of two people, even though you thought you were close, is possibly not the case for the other person; for special memories and moments shared would be also stored in their mind, memory and heart. I guess it just reinforces to me ever more, that you never really know anyone that much, or what you did think you know, is all an illusion..I think it's time to be truer to myself, realise that I've been living ...

In a dream and a delusion,
understand that I'm not wanted,
leave the path for him to walk down - his new love,
Who he loves, plans, plays,
clear the debris of me in his life
and let him be free,
of me,
truly,
let me be the dying ember of what once was
A burning fire of love
Desire.
Let me slowly burn away
From his memory
Today,
In his memory am I, no part
In his heart....

I also had 3 really emotional dreams this morning, I guess this was due to last night's episode when at beloved's..it upset me and I felt shocked that I have such a tiny, if any, part in his heart.
One of the dreams I was running and hiding under a table with others, avoiding sprays of bullets from Chinese soldiers, whilst all around me people were bleeding to death. Hmm fuck knows what that's all about and what it all means..

Rehabiltation..

Rehabilitation is the only way forward in this life for those who have often suffered at the hands of others before they themselves caused great suffering. When humans continue both physical and mental violence to each other and a law system perpetuates this, then we'll never see people rehabilitate;Take the US system as an example and the death penalty.

Some people are that broken down by their past experiences and life, that rehabilitation may seem unthinkable, undoable. We as humans really must have faith in enabling others to move foward in their lives and not look back in their lives for this only brings pain, suffering, distress;emotional blockages. We must also learn to forgive people and indeed empathise with those who endured the most tragic and debiltating of circumstances.

Tonight my heart goes out to all of those people in the world who've been born into a life that has brought great distress, sadness, violence, harm; I wish for these people to be free of pain and suffering and to lead a life that brings happiness, calm and peace.

Clouds of solace

Today I went on a bike ride to the cemetary where my Mother's grave lies. The weather was cloudy, grey and coldish but there was a beautiful stillness in the air. I emptied the old, dying flowers from the pots on my Mum's headstone and replaced them with some new flowers. Gypsophelia, my Mum liked these tiny, white, pretty flowers, so do I and some pale pink carnations which she also liked. Carnations? I remember a sweet conversation about beloved's grandfather, who loves carnations and had even bred a new strain...how creative and sweet is that?
Anyway, I sat in quiteness in the cemetary, not a soul in sight and enjoyed the serenity around me. Graveyards really do make the mind wonder and I always get a weird sort of ethereal feeling about life when I spend time in them..
Anyway, I then visited my Dad and had a nice chat about his new black, lead woodburner, truly cosy is this woodburner. It's funny cos if my Mum saw the mess in her front room now, she'd swear! My Dad's a complete HOARDER! Books, magazines, videos, newspapers, antiquey bit, wood, logs, victorian lace type coverings on his chairs, he's like an old hippy that never got the chance to be..Bless him and my Mother.
I cycled home and thought about Friday night and how lovely it was to see beloved,even though he asked me to go back to his and I refused, I felt this was best cos I don't want him to feel under pressure now that he has a new girlfriend in tow..dear me a situation that's tragic for me really, when I really think hard about it..
Anyway, today was good and left me feeling at peace with world around me but I miss my Mum, I miss beloved.

Magicness

In dark, around music, he stands,
My heart jumps, as I take a glance.
Never before has magic moved its mystical ways
As it does, when around him, I play.
Just to be in his presence,
Life makes sense.
The world is alight,
With sparkling beams, in-sight
Pure golden white.
And when he goes,
The magic in the air slows,
To a point of nothingness,
Night becomes meaningless...
For the longing in my heart,
Never departs,
Never leaves him...
Does he really ever realise this?
That the world with him is a rarity, true bliss.
His heart, his presence, his soul
The whole of me?
Makes me see -
The world through magical eyes,
Beauty all around, I find.
He is my magical energy,
Growing constantly,
Forever will be.

So, this poem was wrote because of someone who still remains in my heart..even though the world turns and we grow older, he always holds the most warmest and lasting of place.
Tonight, two years ago (although the date would've of course been different) I spent a very, memorable, beautiful time with him and then faced the death of my mother the following day. On some level, I think he felt as though he was cursed and that bad things happened to me because of him, which of course is, as I told him, ridiculous!
He's a person who I feel the most unisual connection with and he brings a touch of magic when he's in my world. Today feels special, being with him feels special, deary me..

Anyway tomorrow will also remind me of the day my mother passed, two years ago. I plan to visit her graveside and lay some flowers in her honour and remember the loveliness of her and her huge heart that was always open to me, wherever I was physically and emotionally.

Love of photograhs and photography

Tonight I've been watching an excellent programme called 'Genius of Photography'. I've always been interested in photos and looking at what lies beneath the image. Tonight's programme introduced me to two new photographers whose work I really enjoyed looking at. These artists were Nan Goldin and Larry Clark, both realists and photographed the darker sides of life in many respects..indeed, what lies beneath surburbia, so to speak.
I remember being a small child, visiting my grandma and each time I went, I would ask her if I could look at her photo album. I loved looking at the pictures and wondering about the people in them, I loved the timeless capture of people in a given moment.
I guess tonight has inspired me to remember to take my camera with me, wherever I go..to picture what I see. I'd love to do a photography course and one day I will, yes I really will.

Maybe I should photo the Anti Iran invasion protest on Saturday? Hmm could be good...

End of an Era

It's weird when I think about the last three or so years; the death of my mother, the break up of my son's Dad and I, nowhere closer with regards to a certain love situation.
Today though, I spoke to my son's Dad via the phone, who for the last year and 3 months has spent his life sofa surfing, on different people's couches and praying for a miracle to be rehoused.
Yesterday, his miracle was answered. He's been offered a place all of his own..when he told me this I felt happy and relieved for him. Yet another part of me felt sad in that it's the end of an era really. Although we've been physically and emotionally split up for a long time, we've still had a lot to do with each other due to him staying at mine to look after his son and indeed as a last option place to stay..I guess in many ways I've been hoping so much for this but when it finally happens, a weird sense of mixed emotions have dawned on me. We'd been unhappy for a long time before we actually split and were living very separate lives but when the final crunch was decided, we both realised it was harder than ever on a financial level to get things moving.
Anyway.....

The good news is, his place isn't too far away which means when Jake reaches an independent enough age, he can take his bike and use the cycle path all of the way, to visit his Dad's place. His Dad will still be able to have an active role in his life without having to come here to do so. I guess both of our lives will now move on to what ever direction they find. I guess the end of this era of my life is finally closing..

Remembrance

So two years are nearly here,
Reminding me, you were near,
When I lost part of my life force
As nature took its course -
One loved life departed,
Whilst two lives entwined, openhearted,
A stop in the space of time,
Later morning a hazy mime -
Of mistiness, grey, dumbfound..
Lost in a world without sound.
A sorrow so surreal;bizarre -
Body in the present, yet away so far.
Not knowing how to cope,
Envisioning a sturdy long rope.
The need to talk to beloved,
Fell the warmth, soft and rugged.
New life possibility played,
Shock of life force erased.
On show for the final farewell,
My heart plummeted to deep hell,
Pain inside impossible to quell.
Soul reappeared, reassured,
Aura enlightenment transformed.
Psychic life force always there,
Soul's still active; taking care,
Guarding me safely to shore,
Loving me spiritually evermore..

Kundun..

I went to meet some friends last night for a drink, to which I started to feel tired and unsure whether to go to a club. I ended up at a reggae night but just wasn't feeling the vibe. My mind wondered off to think about beloved and text him. He's been ill recently and is recovering as quick as possible to get back to work. I don't know why I texted him but I guess I just started to miss him really, as I guess I always have done and will.

I left the club at 2am..early for me but I was ready for my bed.

Friday eve was better. I sat and watched another favourite film of mine - Kundun by Martin Scorcese;beautifully filmed and an interesting documentary in many ways about the life of the Dalai Lama..It saddens me so, to think about how Tibet is still being oppressed by the Chinese occupation of Tibet.I also wonder what will happen and who will be the 14th Dalai Lama's predecessor? How will the monks find the next Dalai Lama..I know in the past they looked for signs to lead them to the Dalai Lamas, but now that Tibet has changed so much and China has so much influence, it just makes you wonder. Maybe the next Lama may be Chinese, sent to eradicate the oppression and torture that continues..this wou;d be a dream come true in many ways for Tibet and indeed for the people who want a return to their spiritual homeland..
Anyway Kundun - meaning first Dalai Lama, is a wonderfully filmed piece of cinema..the scenes and music are to die for. Phillip Glass's music suits the film immensely as does the fantastic chants heard throughout of Buddhist Monks.
Truly wonderful experience..

Surprise Surprise

So 8.20am this morn, I receive a call from my friend Gangsta man as I call him. He isn't a gangsta but he is a man. Anyway, rather taken aback, I had a chat with him about what he's been up to -

New job
New radio show
Uni
Possibility of researching stuff for his dissertation in London

I had to make the chat short due to me being in a ruch and needing to get ready for work to which he asked if I'd ring him later..So, I rang him later today and had another chat with him that wasn't as rushed as the previous one. Seems like he's doing good at the moment and working hard at uni and in his job, which is good for him.
He invited me over soon, this I said, I'll let him know. Blimey, it's amazing how new days bring about new happenings. He made me laugh when he said
'I'm a single man, I do my own thing'

Men, some of them make me laugh. Some of them get so wound up and worried when they think about women and relationships. They really ought to lighten up a little, they really should!
So, we'll see what the week brings I guess..

Raged beloved

A ridiculous, wrathful poem that needs no understanding whatsoever but just spewed forth outta my sad, ragey heart..what the fuck does he expect when he tells me such things? I am allowed to meet new people when he offers me NOTHING, ZILCH, THE MORSELS. I'm supposed to be grateful eh? eh? Egotistical bullshitty crapness!


So fuck you, screw you,
Move you,
Relocate you, Go on.
To happiness, love, laughter?
Rain, loneliness,
Happy ever after.
Industrial landscapes,
Dying skyscrapes.
Dream about Morrissey
How romantic,
You pedantic Shit,
Oh I could hit
The wall,
Stupid girl.
Fall.
'I must escape',
he said.
'You deserve better',
I bled.
sincere denies?
Doesn't want me to cry?
Didn't he ever believe,
Depth of my love - what a heave -
When he found another -
Whom his love it seems,
He'll smother?
Fuck you -
In your northern sky
I hope the rain never dries.
All along was it guilt?
Rocky road treatment; all the jilts?
Religious fearful fervour,
Made him uncannily nervous,
Got to the best of the psyche?
Couldn't take the daring hike,
With a girl like me,
So scarily wild and free.
The desiring fallen angel;
Molten devil's child.
What would the parents think?
Heavens on earth!
She's older, two kids
Dear me! Give her a wide birth.
Two different gene pools,
Dear lordy lord,
Different blood beating from the umbilical cords.
His yearning for kids?
Pass on his genes?
Family proudness,
Not cheap woman loudness.
Didn't he ever really know,
I'd have burned for his foetus to grow,
Deep down inside of my womb,
Before it turns into a dark, grey tomb,
Of wintery coldness within,
The dying protector of sin.
Sunday school madness,
Selfish, guilt ridden badness.
Pretend to be nice?
That will suffice.
It'll help ease her pain,
Thank God she didn't go insane!
She's such a wonderful friend
Tragic war torn
Her END.

Weekend Rundown

A cold, bright, funny, hectic weekened has been had. A party in Birmingham on Saturday night, proved funny and rather boozy really. Met some sweet people and enjoyed the fireworks on display.
The journey back to Nottingham was slow, tiring and stuffy..but I had many laughs with my friend along the way.
Last night was Jello Biafra, as radical and anarchic as ever. The rants contained such issues as:

Global warming
Iraq and the ensuing Iran war
The Dead Kennedy's split
Arnie Terminator and his ridiculous policies
Oil and utility companies profiteering on poor people
4 wheel drives and their ridiculousness
The need for people to protest even more now than ever
Communication and how this is changing the world
Multi nationals and the issue of globalisation
Great piss taking of George W.
Torture and Guantanomo Bay attrocities
Pop idol and reality TV dumbing down

A truly inspiring night which reminded me that it's good to know people do care about the issues that are affecting us on a worldwide level..

Time to knuckle down and get cosy inside with this cold winter weather we're having..it's very beautiful though to see the frost and sunshine, truly beautiful.

Jaded Mermaid

True love doesn't die,
Or asks why..
It simmers, boils, shakes,
Keeps the maid often awake,
In the head,
Through the thoughts
It travels,
Unravels,
The mysteries of the heart,
Remain intact - always a part -
Of how you feel,
Inside revealed
Naked.
Trephinning the soul,
Of the maid.
Unleash continuous thoughts?
The mermaid at sea caught?
Energy abort..
Did the mermaid know in reality?
About love's insanity.
Thus the water does flow..
The sea and mermaid
Does grow -
A wisdom of detachment,
Not continuous re-enactment -
The mistake of the mermaid,
Lost herself slowly faded.
Into the sea
Jaded....

This weeks observations

Housing? Ain't it a massive problem? My ex went to get a home today but someone had beat him to it cos they put the money down before him..he was sad, I was frustrated but I guess the system we're in is one that only lets money talk. Shit really. Apparently, the person renting the accommodation out will be in touch again soon when another tenancy becomes available.


Beloved has been in touch. Asked how my trip was and whether I'd like to pop by, this would be lovely I'm sure..I won't be talking to him about his new girlfriend though. I don't want to know. Is that ignorant or is that just putting my defences up? Yeah, it's the latter..I try not to be jealous cos it's a negative feeling and I don't like to feel this but I guess it's just a natural feling when strong feelings are part of the equation - not very buddhist though. Hmmmm
Copenhagen? OK, I've been on a scnadinavian rant all week long. I posted a letter to my Greenland Inuit friend, Ungman and I wait to hear a response from him, should be sweet. My mates commented about how they noticed there were hardly any CCTV in Copenhagen. We live in one of the most watched and paranoid society really when you think about it.
I've booked to go to Copenhagen again in December. Can't wait and I'll be Xmas shopping whilst out there and this time, bringing back some lovely Danish food.

Tomorrow I've been invited to Birmingham to a big party. last minute decision to go but cheap to get there, booze and a bed provided. Sounds fun and should be a laugh.

Sunday, I'm off to see the wonderful Jello Biafra in Nottingham. Oh, I can't wait to hear his spoken word and radical anarchic ranting.

I'm very happy people, Copenhagen and my friends have been a healing force..life's moving nicely...

Sparkles glitter

The love for beloved goes on,
He urges me to always move on,
Even though he's with me everyday,
In my thoughts
My heart,
My soul,
My holistic me,
With him I'm free.
Maybe the energy's always too much,
Too strong,
Maybe I'm wrong,
Have been all along.
Now?
Warmth, love, touch, heal,
Is what my soul does feel.
Fly girl fly,
Don't let love make me cry,
Let love bring a shine,
A radiance so bright,
Full of sparks, glitter,
Shimmery stars that flitter
Around my aura of gold,
Let a loved one behold.
The beauty in me forever..

Man of cold with heart of warmth

He walked in, Sat in my space,
I looked at his face, beauty unerased.
A face shimmering sunshine, radiating light,
Golden warmth, heavenly bright.
Hair so black, long and bold,
From a northern land, where life's ice cold.
A tribe where problems are unruly and rife,
Struggle to get used to the modern way of life.
He said of me that I'm 'meget smukke',
Beautiful very! Poem from a book.
He smelled my hair, next my skin,
a deep, sincere breath from his land within,
A smell so delightful,
He said of me,
A man so open and insightful.
I feel him to be.
A smile that lasts forever and stays,
A presence that warmed, when I sat in his space.
A wish to be friends,
To see me again,
This friendship I feel
Will have warmth and no end.

The two sides of me

I was having an interesting chat with my ex about how I wonder about my personality; one side is wild, untamed, free, angry, fun loving, impulsive, obssessive whilst the other ponders stability, calmness, quiet.

My impulsive side right now is urging me too book another flight to Copenhagen before Xmas, which will be done I'm sure. My sensible side is saying, you really should not overspend. Fuck it!!!The flights are £60 if I book now...what do you reckon people?

I'm afraid I've been enchanted once again and need to act out my escape fanstasies away from reality and Britain. So, here's to another trip SOON!

A feel of warmth and love

So today I've been reflecting about my wonderful weekend. What happiness and feel of love was all around me. I wrote a letter to Ungman, my beautiful Inuit friend who I really want to keep in contact with..I've not met many people who have a real warmth about their psersona but this man really did, in some ways, he reminded me of my mate's Spanish boyfriend who's one of the most endearing and warm men you could ever wish to meet.
I remember Ungman telling me he thought I was 'so sweet'. I guess he put the feel of happiness and golden thoughts in my mind and heart a little..which in many ways has been an unexpected welcome really.
I think about beloved daily but I know he denys me and chooses another path which to him, feels the right thing to do for whatever reason; this forces me to therefore close down on some level and compartmentalise and detach. Whether he'll be truly happy with the choices he makes, time will tell. Maybe I was always wrong, I didn't think I was, but who knows?
I'm planning on going to Copenhagen again soon, maybe after Xmas, maybe for Easter or even maybe for a weekend again soon to meet up with mates and the new found Greenland friends. This would be lovely.
I forgot how warm the Danes are, how genuine and caring they are. How honest and open they are. I feel grounded again about my recent experience and I feel that I've been reminded again about the person who I really am.

Wonderful Copenhagen you still hold my heart..

What a wonderful, long weekend I've just experienced in Copenhagen. Truly delightful, wonderful, refreshing, liberating, cathartic, happy, ecstatic.....My friends loved it. As expected, we did everything we planned to do and had very little sleep due to late nights out and socialising. I met some lovely people; Mathilda and Joakhim from Sweden, Pauline, Anne Liese and her lovely friend, an Inuit man called Ungman from Greenland. This man radiated the most beautiful loveliness, as warm as a golden sun and seemingly has a big heart. I guess I'll be keeping in touch with Ungman, as he now lives in Denmark but visits Greenland on occasion and wanted to keep in contact with me, even though we only spent a small time chatting about different things, he also told me that I was 'meget smukke' which in Denmark means 'very beautiful!' Blimey...A dear man for sure..It'll be nice to have a penpal to write to again!

The transport system in Copenhagen is just as good as I remember it and even better now the Metro is in operation..quick, efficient, easy to use, on time and clean..

Anyway, here's a little picture story...


My son's Grandparents


The beach next to their house in Karlslunde


In a rather 'high' state after the Woodstock, Christiania memorable, mad hashish experience - (this place was like the Wild West full of festival casualties gone wrong who never went home again but partied forever instead!Mad people, mad night)Sadly, I couldn't take pictures of the new people I met because Christianittes (people who live there) are often suspicious of people taking pictures in Cafe/bars etc, due to the police problems and dealers still openly selling hashish (outside certain cafes) even though the government has closed down the main, what was once a semi legal dealing area. Sadly this means that hash is being sold in the city whic is causing problems with turf wars etc, whereas on Christiania, this wasn't a problem cos each person who sold, respected their fellow seller!


Speaks for itself really...


Taken from the aeroplane just above Denmark.




The park/playground where my eldest son used to play as a 3 year old when I lived in Denmark - Skudderbanen, in Vesterbro, formally a workers area of Copenhagen.


Old mural in Vesterbro against Scandinavia joining the EU.


Friends..





A beautiful house that lies in Christiania Free State right near Copenhagen



Mirror mosaic in the grounds of Christiania


Political poster against the liberal conservative Danish Governments' wish to close down Christiania and use the land for development


Granite wish sculpture


More houses in Christiania

I felt sad to leave this morning and as always, pondered the possibilty of one day moving back...times have changed and situations are different but I guess if it's meant to be and I'm meant to live there again then so be it. I do so love my English mates here though and would truly miss them if I did move back there. Once I was back in UK though,as the frost began to lift, I remembered what I also love about England..I feel lucky, alive and honoured to have experienced so many wonderful things in my life..

Worn Glove

Why do we waste our years
On one with whom we love?
When really we should know better
If the going's always tough.
For those who truly love us,
Want to spend time and years,
Instead you're left to cry;
Drown in sorrow and tears.
A new love, they search,
Of which you are never a part,
For they love another better,
Open wide to them, their heart.
The fool?
Left alone; empty.
Devoid of any love.
Thrown away; an object,
Tossed aside; old glove.
Glove that's seen shimmery evenings,
And sparkles that once shone bright,
The glove has lost it's sparkle,
Love has lost its fight.