Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Reflections

After being around some very good friends last night, I am feeling determined and thinking about many things I would like to do this weekend...I hope to go and see an art exhibition, swim and cycle, cinema visit, maybe a walk in the countryside and maybe a night out either tonight or tomorrow, depending who's out or what is on. I am considering theatre but all of this depends on getting to the place on time..

I've been thinking about this proverb from the bible - I'm not a Christian and I don't read the bible anymore but it's struck a chord somewhat and I sort of like what it implies..

"Bread of deceit is sweet to a man; but afterwards his mouth shall be filled with gravel."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Notebook Would be Good!

Time to get a notebook...again. Time to write. Time to ground, again. Time to get back into the ways of being and feeling who I am. Again. Of late, my creative writing has been dry. PERIOD. I had a poem in my head Saturday when rather drunk, I forgot the content sadly. It would've been a good poem I feel but hell, I forgot it!
I have had no real lust to write or even really had the creative inspiration to do such a thing. My creative energy must've been zapped on some level by the darker forces. Talking of dark forces, I had the most awful nightmare last week you wouldn't believe! Symbolic? I like to think so.. Dream scenario.

'I am in Agistri, the Greek island that I visited last summer. I am with a friend, Liza and her new baby Esme. We are in a room with two grey doors. The doors have been left unlocked and slightly ajar. Liza has ran to sleep in a tent that is erected in the room. A man runs in telling us the forces are coming through the grey door and we MUST lock them. Liza, apparently was bad because she failed to close and lock the doors. Smoke like substances were pouring in through the slightly opened doors. A negative force that felt bad and demonic. I am then being clawed on the top of my head by animal like claws, that I would imagine, are the claws of a Grizzly bear, Polar Bear or some such creature that has long claws...It felt demonic..and harmful...really negative, really harmful' I wake up.


I am scared to leave my bed, open my eyes, move. I lie in my bed, under my quilt and hide until daylight appears. Nightmares are not normally part of my world so I must be feeling some distress.

Through talking with a good friend I have decided on Hypnotherapy. Long story but she's an accomplished and respected therapist. I feel this will be a good therapy for me to try and indeed, utilise and indeed, this is a proved and tried healer.
I aim to cleanse my living space. By this I mean, ritually cleanse it? Sound mad? No, this is something that I do when I feel the energy has become corrupted. Salt, sage and incense are cleansing agents and thus, I plan to do this at the weekend...

The time is ready for a shift and move.

A small unfinished piece of writing..that will be expanded? I hope so...

How far removed have we become?
From the original feeling of genuine love..
From the humane value of sincerity?
Not the search for endless prosperity..

The notebook? I aim to at least jot down my thoughts as and when they arise...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Forest lost 3-1. My poor son, he was gutted and so was I but still, at least they scored a good goal!

At the moment I don't have an enormous lust to write so I guess I'm going through a dry patch. I went out Saturday, got a tad drunk and a poem surfaced whilst I walked towards a reggae night venue..sadly, I had no pen and thus, couldn't write down my words. Frustrated? You bet! And thus by the morning, I had forgotten the content of the poem..anyway, I enjoyed the reggae night albeit a few hics along the way and this poem sort of sums it up on some level..

Sparks and fireworks?
Exploding in the early morn air-
Funny what love does..
Sets both the sweet and sour at play -
Against each element..
and yet slowly..
Atrracting again
A magnet..
In the comfort of love
And what it does..
Whirlwindedly so..

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Significance of Dreams and the ethereal

Today, something odd dawned on me. Coincidence, that I dreamt about being in Turkey with my Mum to a few days later finding out the below stuff re. the person I've been intimate with.. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bonkers yet but I have had some pretty weird, almost like warning dreams trying to sort of direct me into a certain knowledge or indeed, giving me prior knowledge about something in readiness for when shit hits fan so to speak!!

I spoke to my sis about this and she reckons I have a pretty intuitive mind and is indeed jealous that she has no such experiences! Funny really!!

Anyway, enough about that but I reckon my Mum, if she walks on whatever plain of life is def trying to show me another way or lead me to better places! Interesting.

My son had a great birthday and now we await his Forest V Derby experience - bloody skint but looking forward to the match with his buddies and will be a memorable day I'm sure- just hope Forest win..He's enjoying the time off school and it's nice for us to just chill and take things easy!

Healing? It takes time to heal doesn't it?? Having headspace and a clear mind about what is right and wrong, acceptable and unnaceptable behaviour from others, is good for me to keep in focus. My mates have been gems over the past few days and I'm blessed to have such good friends, I really am..they show me the proper sort of love that true friends show and I guess we'll be friends forever more, which is a comforting and warm thought and one that I feel proud and good can have so many associate friends who really, you don't really know the nuts and bolts about them and never do but true friends are hard to come by and I'm so glad that the true friends in my life, have and always seem to remain true and with me.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Input about films

I have this week off work for the half term and Tuesday, I have a whole free day to do something alone so I was thinking of maybe heading to see a film at the Broadway Cinema in Nottingham. I'm wondering whether to go and see Revolutionary Road but there's a few other films that look interesting so I'm sort of torn..

There's also a Spanish food event happening on the same night in the cafe bar area which sounds good and interesting. I might see if my friend wants to come along with me but not sure whether he can get a bus back to his neck of the woods later on..but I think he'd enjoy a cinema trip for sure and he's def into similar films to me.

So the options are -

Revolutionary Road
Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Vicky Christina Barcelona

Hmm which one I ask you??

I had an interesting and good time last night, considering all things that have recently unsettled me greatly but the key is to rise above. I've spent far too long being understanding and tolerant that it's time to think more about my needs now and that is indeed, what I'm going to do!!

My friend, who I've known for quite a while, is recently himself out of a relationship, was good company, light easy and chilled out and good to have a friend whereby there's a platonic emphasis and understanding..we had a deep chat about his life when he was a kid and how he was beat by his alcoholic father from the age of 10 - 17 years old. He thought this was normal and was shocked when other fathers didn't do this..really sad when you think about it on that level..the amazing thing is, he's sorted in many ways emotionally.
Beats me really that he's come out of that sort of abuse unscathed, albeit with counselling and a good and supportive Dr and indeed, must possess a strong and aware mind to be as such. I queried whether he'd followed similar patterns with his own kids but he never had and believed that if he did cross that line, then there'd be no return for him..Interestingly, my son's Dad had a tough time when growing up due to his Mother being a chronic alcoholic..he took on the role of a father figure at the age of 9 and yet, he was mainly a very caring and tactile human being in many ways and I think it's a shame he never entered counselling to help him address issues of intimacy but some people just aren't ready or indeed, want to go too deep about their past which I fully understand in many ways.

Well off to bed for a long sleep and give me some help re. those films!

What saves me??

Yes people, what does save me from emotional crap? Sweetest of supportive and understanding friends, family, going out and dancing, socialising, laughing and remembering that there's a BIG WIDE WORLD out there for me to explore.
I don't need indecisive men in my life, I don't need menboys who are greedy and can't be content with ONE person's love, who can't accept that some of us yes, do have baggage from the past but most people these days come with some baggage and to me, baggage never puts me off or deters's all baout the core essence of who and what the person is about and those who defy that, inreality aren't that attractive or thoughtful in many ways!

I had a wonderful time last night, laughed, danced, talked and enjoyed the friendly atmosphere! I got talking to a very sweet older guy from Sheffield, he was a sweetie and I'm damned that I didn't take the bull by the horns and ask for his number. I've decided that life's to short.

The lesson I've learned in the last 3 years? Life's too short to wait around for indecisive men who still yearn for what they 'had' or 'still have' with ex's! Not my idea of fun and truthfully, very greedy. OK, none of us are saints but greed isn't an attractive trait really is it??

Here's to an exciting future of who knows what??

Friday, February 13, 2009

Not Happy Romantic Valentine's??Fuck that shit, it's Crappy Valentines.

Yes, crappy valentines it is, sad to hear this..out of this once romantic mouth of mine. No more. Romance dead and buried. People taking too many liberties to the point that I eject them out of my life. I did this today. I told the man who I was slowly and surely very much falling for, that I am now walking. To walk- means movement away.Away from toxic situations, childlike people who play serious headgames and who have no cosideratin/empathy for another's feelings..

Guy I've been intimate with for over 1, yes, 1 year, I found out has booked a holiday away with his ex partner, who I now found out, is not his ex partner but he's back with her and has been since Xmas. Wanker. No wonder some weekends went passed without him responding to my calls and texts. Laughable bullshit!

I don't like spitting and frothing and I feel like contacting said woman and enlightening her to the situation cos you can bet ya bottom dollar that she knows sweet FA about me. Sistahood is about proetecting my sistas from these sort of men boys. Yeah, I'm angry, upset, distraught, fucked off, sad, emotional, blah blah fuckin fuckin blah!! Sick of these ridiculous opposite sex behaviours! I WILL rise above this crap! I AM WORTH more than this shite. I really am..

Happy Valentines to all of you in love people!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A visit from my Mum

So I had a visit from my Mum last night! Not an 'actual' visit, but a dreamtime visit..was good to see her in my dream even though the dream was rather distressing at one point; I was saving her from a pool of water, in a holiday resort in Turkey! Maybe she'd come to reassure me and send her love cos I'm not feeling too great at the mo! Madness how these things happen really when we're feeling low or fed up!
We did holiday in Turkey together way back in 1990 and strange that we ended up back there in my dreamtime! Dreams eh? Aren't they great?? It's also great to dream about one who isn't walking this plane of life anymore and actually see, touch and feel them in your dreamtime..

Diane di Prima, also talks about a dream she had whereby her mother visits her after she'd died..interesting stuff!

Today, I feel tried and in need of an early night..not up to feeling sociable really but had a sweet gesture happen today. A guy who's involved with the Highness reggae nights bumped into me, whilst I was on my bike and queried why I hadn't been to the Highness nights for the past few months because he'd got a few cds to give me..How sweet is that?? Hardly know the guy but made me feel thought about and indeed, reminded me about human gestures of kindness and how they can brighten the day! I hope to attend the next Highness for sure and if the cds are given to me, then I'll return the kindness with a beer for said person! Ands no, the guy ain't a letch just a seemingly genuine person, as should be the case on this sort of scene anyways!

Narcissists? Been doing a small training session about this today...have read up about it before but not learnt that much, just peaked in and out of jargon etc.. Interesting stuff espec when you consider the lengths they go to with things..interesting stuff and enlightening!

I guess people often wonder why I act with endless kindness and try not to cause too many waves when I'm upset??You know why I don't? Well at the end of the day by being kind I feel this is right, it feels good and right to me to be as such..not to be so, feels alien to me..Causing waves with others isn't healthy either..I like to know where I stand but I do HATE dishonesty but essentially those who are dishonest, are mentally violating themselves in many ways, in my opinion. Rather practice kindness and understanding than hate and vengence..And I know for a fact that those who do really care about you, no matter how bad they've been in the past, show regret and remorse and try to make things better in their own ways..I'm still considered an 'angel' by someone...long story but I was recently called this..not just an angel but a ________ angel! The prior word I have no memory about what the word was, but i remember angel being at the end of the sentence!!!

Monday, February 09, 2009

Oh the DREAD of the ensuing Valentine's Day

14th February, as we know in the UK, is Valentine's Day! It's also my son's birthday but this year, he's spending his birthday with his Dad and we're gonna have another birthday celebration the following week with his mates and some footie fun.

This year, after a conversation today, I feel like following Greta Garbo's footsteps and becoming a recluse for the day! I'm sure she became a recluse didn't she? Or am I mistaken??

I haven't sent a Valentine's card for a good few years - think it was 2006 or 2007 when I last sent was a sweet card, not your normal Hallmark affair but a beautiful jade colour with lovely red? Or were they pink??? leaf type love hearts on spindly branches, if I remember also had tinges of gold and in fact, I wanted to keep it myself it was so beautiful! And indeed, it was the first card I sent in many years cos my son's dad when we were together, never believed in the tripeness of it! I thought it was sort of romantic to celebrate Valentine's Day but hey ho, that's where people differ I guess! I think from now on the Valentine Day word should be called 'V Day'!

I recently received and started to read a great book by Diane Di prima - 'Recollections of my life as a Woman', a beat poet from the 50s onwards..the book has so much small print but the content is wonderful and brill observations are made about her life as a woman in the world and indeed, the obstacles she faced!..Anyway, off to read some more and bury the thought of V day!

Best of Both Worlds?

What is it with people who want the best of both worlds? Who are torn between two people? The worst is, when you're the one on the receiving end of it!
Now don't get me wrong, I know we're all NOT perfect but for God's sake, it's not a nice feeling to be in the middle of a situation like this..
So what to do? I guess letting the other party know about my existence and enlightening them, could be an option? I'm not into revenge really but I feel the other party should have certain knowledge to ascertain a situation and know the truth..

Turn away from it could be another option?

I'm confused guys and could be good to hear your views!