Monday, December 29, 2008

Hibernation? NOT!!

Just when you think that the New Year is nearly here and after the celebrations, that will be it? You'll knuckle down, close the shutters and hibernate for at least a month to recouperate, other forces come to play!! Invites here and there! A friend is celebrating her birthday this weekend in the city and then going clubbing after! Another friend has invited me to go on a walking mission and a pub lunch high up in Hope Valley which I know will be cold but choice being the possibility to walk around Grindleford Forest and up onto the moors..this choice seems to be welcomed!

I feel like I need to hibernate already today as I think I've come down with a cold virus which is a bummer as I was hoping to visit my sweet friend again tomorrow in Hyson Green and spend the day chatting and drinking mulled wine..this won't be happening unless I get a wave of energy..the only appealing thing for me right now is brandy coffeee, lots of water and vit c but although this will happen I know the energy will be found somewhere, at least I think it will!

I watched Wuthering heights tonight and I do love that story - so true about 'true love' and the dialogue that goes on between Cathy and Heathcliffe; souls of one, dead without the other..
I must reread this classic book again, I really must!

Hibernation delayed for another week methinks...

Memorable Thoughts and feelings of 2008

2008 started off wonderfully, around good people and in a very happy and positive way. I'd say for me, 2008 has been a sort of moving on concluding year..a sort of emotional understanding year. A year that has enabled me to put things in context and indeed, realise what I will not accept from people.. a growing and a understanding that maybe, I used escapism as a way of coping with the many difficulties I had faced since the death of my Mum.

In 2008, 2 of my good friends became pregnant, one has had a dear baby boy and the other friend is awaiting the birth of her baby girl, who is due in the next few days! I can't wait and I'm really excited about the baby arriving for her!

I enjoyed two brilliant and happy times at a local festival. Much laughter and happiness was unearthed.

My eldest son seems to be at a point of realisation that he would like to live in Denmark for a period of time - good on him I say!

I attended my first footie match in years with my youngest son, he and I both loved it and it was great to bond with him on this level.

I have sweet memories of friends coming to visit me throughout the summer months, sitting in my garden making fires and getting cosy whilst dusk changed to darkness..happy times, sweet times.

I haven't cried as much as I did in 2007. The things that have made me cry have mostly been down to emotional issues with others..I guess this has taught me a lot about what I want to accept in my life and indeed, that I want to retain my true sense of sincerity, loyalty and old fashioned ways..I don't want modern, casual relationships any more. I would rather be alone than a random 'buddy' to another person..I like old fashioned ways when it comes to love and attachment and I see nothing wrong in this..However, I'm also starting to think there's great value in alone time and that happiness has to be with yourself..

My son's Dad has stuck to his word and been a good father to our son in that he has kept to the childcare arrangement and not let his son down..I'm proud of him for this and I'm even more glad for my son to have his father as a constant in his life.

I have met some new sweet people who talk openly and are very kind the saying goes, 'like attracts like and goodness brings goodness' I firmly believe this.

I finally got to travel to Greece again which for me, was fabulous to walk on Greek soil again, bathe in the Aegean, admire the Greek scenery, way of life and culture and meet dear people whilst I holidayed..a wonderful experience for sure.

I realised that home, kids and me are more important than slogging my guts off in a job to be completely tired out and devoid of energy for my kids and self. I cut my working week for this purpose and I know this has completely been the right decision for me and the welfare and well being of my kids and myself.

I stand true to the belief that people who treat you in a bad way, should be treated only with kindness, for then they see the error of their ways and maybe, try and change things. Of course wisdom means that at times, some friendships may have to be lost along the way, but the hope is that those true friends that we have, will remain and stay true, practice honesty, sincerity and loyalty.

Many more to add to this list when I feel more awake and have had more time to think...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Drama Queen Sara's Xmas Day Speech..

Happy Xmas to all of you on this rather mild, grey 2008 Christmas Day. I hope you all get what you wish for and that your Xmas is filled with love, joy, peace, booze, laughter, food, fun.
Most of all, I wish that the world would be in peace, people would not be in poverty and there would be an end to the wealth divide, fairness and justice would reign, love would overcome hate and goodness and generosity is in favour of greed and anger..

I've so far, had a very sweet Xmas. I had a nice time with family at a pub last night although a little too hectic for my liking. I tend to be one of those who just enjoys solitude, candles, quietand peace on Xmas Eve. After the pub, my son and I chilled out, sorted the carrot and mince pie out for Santa.. Later on, I had a nice chat on the phone for a good few hours and an invite to dinner, which sort of made Xmas feel warmer and special..I was trying to wrap presents whilst talking on the phone which was sort of funny really and hence, they weren't wrapped as well as they should've been!
I was woken at 5am by mon son whilst he opened his presents. He was fed up that Santa (me) had forgotten to leave a handwritten card, so I had to get my secrecy act togther and write a card out el quicko and make out Santa had dropped it behind the tree! He was a happy soul after this realisation. Today, I spend time with my kids and we won't eat until much later today around 5/6ish.

I truly hope that 2009 will be a progression and happy year..I look forward to what it brings and all of the lovely times that I will share with those whom I hold dear.

May peace, love and happiness be with you today!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Busy and focussed

Today has been a busy one and focussed one. Went to visit a sweet friend in Hyson Green - an area of Nottingham that has many different ethnic shops, which I love! Spent a lovely time there and rushed back home to get ready for meeting a friend tonight for a Xmas drink. Should be a sort of interesting night cos not sure yet where we're heading but looking forward to see them all of the same.

Been focussing on other things as well and coming to some sort of understanding and conclusion. Anyway, enough of that, wish me a good time for tonight and here we are, nearly Xmas Eve and time to kick back a little and get rid of the heaviness and bring in the lightness!! Only the way forward for sure...

Monday, December 22, 2008

Mulling over and Xmas..

Christmas nearly here and yet I don't feel very Christmassy really. Of course I'm being Christmassy for the sake of my kids but I just don't seem to be feeling it at the mo! I put the decorations up yesterday and that has made me feel a little more xmassy but I want colder weather goddammit!!!
I guess the mood has slumped a little after the weekend and some information I was told ..I haven't had proper time to weigh it all up as I've had company since Friday until Sunday but now I'm alone apart from my kids of course, thoughts and feelings are coming through in waves. Hmm lots of reflection methinks.

I have an invite to go out tomorrow night which I will most likely go. Not sure where we'll end up going but will be sweet to get out for an Xmas drink before the food fest starts on Xmas Eve! This will be the first time that I spend Xmas day alone with my kids - will be sort of strange but I do have to get used to this as not every year does my family eat together on Xmas Day. Boxing day I'm off up to my brothers which will be good fun and great for the kids.
New Years Eve is still unplanned but the options are starting to come in - a club night? A party in North Notts with DJs and outdoor vibe, a band at a venue in Notts, chilling at home? Hmm I'm sure more will materialise as time passes..

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bad taste in the mouth

Lying? Dishonesty? Protecting me from whatever?

Never been a fan of lying, untruths, dishonesty and the patronising way some people think that they are doing you a favour by keeping information from you, that may upset you..By this I mean, to share intimate times with a fellow human being and yet, dishonesty about something pretty crucial is prevalent, makes it all seem futile, insincere, disloyal, meaningless and not what I'm about or what I want in my life.
I've always tried to maintain that honesty with those closest and indeed around us, is the only good and productive way to live one's life. It seems many pther people don't hold this value or practice it. What then is the point of intimacy with one who can't be honest and sincere with you? There is no point really is there? Yes, granted we all make mistakes but there's also taking the piss and when this occurs then time's up really, methinks. Crapness that I'm feeling like this just before Xmas, not how I want to feel and be bogged down with such thoughts.

Long story anyway and won't go into detail but just because someone is caring and kind doesn't mean they have TWAT written on their forehead, does it?

A work mate cheered me up though, yet made me feel a little odd today, she told me that her brother is into the same scene as me and liked the look of me in a photo that she had of me.Nice to get the compliment but really ain't the solution I need right now, in all honesty...Time for bed.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Happy Vibes, Messyness and Thank the Lord for the likes of Maya Angelou

Wonderful weekend in my world! Spent a lazy Saturday pottering and not doing much and then headed to my mate's to drink winter Baileys to warm up for our night out! Had a few drinks in The Turf and then headed to my friend's Xmas Charity event party which was really good; great atmosphere, good music and a good selection of different music genres, nice and friendly people and an invite to the afterparty, which was again, a good vibe with good music. I must've danced for a good 9 hours!
My friend ended up in a messy state and I had to ensure she was OK but needed to get back home for 7am to ensure my son got to work on time so I ended up leaving her on the settee at the afterparty, in the hope that she wouldn't choke on her own vomit! Not a nice thought to leave someone in a comatosed state but she's an adult and there were other comatosed people who I'm sure would've all been an all inclusive and supportive environment! A good friend also stayed behine to help her and not many men who'd only just met a woman who'd been puking, would stay and look after said comatosed mate!
I had a sweet comment made about me from a friend who said that I was
'The one star, unlike any other Sara and different to most British women but free in the mind and an energy like no other!'
Made me smile and feel warm to be told such niceness..and indeed that these qualities shine through, I like this and it's sort of good to feel the qualities are seen by good friends..So a happy weekend and no doubt more goodness to come over the next few weeks!

Been reading a great book by Maya Angelou, Even the stars look Lonesome. A really good book with excellent references to historical happenings and indeed, great quotes throughout regarding poverty, powerlessness, sexuality and humanity. A really interesting and life affirming read!

Contemplating what to do for NYE as I think it's a free one for me in Motherworld which means hopefully, I could do something with A, go away some place or just party or whatever comes in the direction..we'll see! Two more days and Xmas shopping and decoration time!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Brilliant Investigative Journalism.

I don't know whether any of my blog followers are fans of the programme Unreported World on C4, but I love this programme. It amazes me that so much news goes unreported and not just ordinary 'mundane' news but news that really gets to the point and indeed, has a BIG point to make. Tonight's programme, I missed the first 15 mins which was a pain because I didn't get the whole gist but it focussed on refugees fleeing Ethiopia, Somalia and walking to Saudi Arabia in the hope of a better situation. Walking through desert land with ONE and I mean ONE bottle of water to sustain them! And here we are in the 'free world' wasting so much water, food and money.. In this day and age it seems to utterly unfair and cruel that people are starving to death, having to flee and be dislocated from their homelands due to famine, drying land and wars. It seems so poignant that the wealthier continue to get wealthier and yet the poorer and absolute poorer struggle in a way that is difficult to comprehend. Hurts the heart for sure..and maybe sometime in the future, my calling might be to work abroad in such countries in the aid organisations depending on where my path in life leads me..

Today, I've had a real lazy day. I was going to do so much but in the end, I just enjoyed being in my 'home' and doing small jobs around the house, listened to music and read some more Maya Angelou. I've been listening to some Sinead O Connor, still love her voice and her version of Sacrifice, is outstanding! Her voice continues to completely draw me right in..she was blessed with such vocal talent!

Tomorrow, I hope to swim and sauna and feel fresh in this cold wintery weather that I love so much! So you political animals out there, get watching Unreported World!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Heal with softness

Soften to the clouds of white fluff,
The warmth of love..
Let the hardness crack and fade,
Come out of the dark shade.
Thaw the winter frost,
Heal the heart from pain and loss..

Just a short poem that's come to my head since reflecting about last weekend and a touching, ethereal moment that makes my heart jump and bounce when I think about this moment..All I know is, watching darkness turn to the bright blue light of daybreak is something else..I think i need to go and paint this moment aswell!

The end of my working week and I'm glad to be finished for my 4 day weeekend! Just gives me so much time to do everything I need to do at home, with kids, with myself etc etc.
I have some hair to do and have no firms plan in place. I hope to go to a vegetarian fayre on Friday and then may do a little bit of Xmas shopping, followed by taking a tour on the outdoor Ice- Skating rink in Nottingham and then warm up with mulled wine afterwards. I may also head to watch Choke at the cinema, but will see how things pan out, it will a be a lone day tomorrow but this doesn't really faze me as for God's sake, I left to live in Denmark alone and wandered around alone art galleries and such like fairly often so I guess this means, I'm fairly independent..if mates or boyfriend can't do things with me, then I go it alone rather than moping around..OK, this ain't always the feeling when I'm hormonal and the like but that's a fleeting feeling!

I've been invited to an Xmas Party on Saturday but I am seriously skint and not sure whether I'll go or not. I might meet up with a good friend to catch up with her for a drink and then see what happens. On the other hand, I might just stay at home and keep warm in this cold weather. I love this sparkly white wintry frost, I really do!

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Magical Mystery Tour and My Bed Beckons..

Sunday night and I'm a little wired! I went out last night with some mates to a club night and was lovely to dance and chat to a few buddies that were there. I was going to head off to another club all nighter but the thought of seeing A was much more tempting and indeed, the preferable one in all reality..don't get me wrong, I love clubbing and partying but the intimate times you share with a fellow human being with whom you have feelings for, is right up there high above any clubbing or party experience.
Anyway, 3am and I was on a bus heading to North of Nottingham to visit A. Was a beautiful morning when I arrived at the bus stop where he was to meet me - bright sparkly white frost all over the pavement and in the trees..truly beautiful and my fave look of winter! Anyway, we went on a small, although felt like long, magical mystery tour and then back to his.
Today, we spent the day being lazy, me recovering and then eating some food together before it was time for me to drag myself back home in time for my youngest son coming back home for times like this, it can be hard to wrench myself away from A and his company but the memories and replaying moments sort of maintain me on some level..and indeed, keep it all real and special.
So after a night of hardly any sleep and a fair bit of sitting on busses, I'm ready for my bed and pray may I have, the most sweetest dreams in the world!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Lessons in Life....

I watched Into the Wild tonight, directed by Sean Penn with Eddie Vedder used for the soundtrack. What a beautiful film this is if not sad and very profound. The main character who calls himself Alexander Supertramp, makes you think about so many thing that especially struck me was his honour to the young girl who he refused to sleep many men in this day and age choose to do this, when offered on a plate? This struck a chord in many ways aout the mixed messages that humans give to each other without thinking about the consequences about how certain action have the potential to really play with a person's emotional state.

Anyway, I would definitely recommend this film to nature and philosophical lovers of strikes a chord in so many ways and makes you think about life on a large and open level and indeed, in the grand scheme of universal things..very inspiring and touching for sure.. GO WATCH!!!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Post Inspection Unleashing

My workplace had their OFSTED inspection a few weeks ago and my faculty managed to score an outstanding for social inclusion and community engagement which in many ways, makes me feel good about the work that I do. I was also observed last week and the observation wasd ropped on me 3 hours before I was due to be observed, so a little freaked by this, I carried on as normal and managed to get a '2' for my teaching etc, which I'm more than happy with..Strive for a 1, so they say, but a 2 is good and that's all good by me!

I'm starting to feel a little Xmassy and am planning to go and get a few bits tomorrow - I'm late in buying my advent candle and so, will try my best and indeed hope, I can still get a hold of one! I'm also starting to feel like I want to start lettimg my hair down and getting into the Xmas spirit. Not sure as yet what to do this weekend and what will become of it and I guess the best is just to let the time flow and see what happens, friends ahve invited me to a club night and afterparty but I'm skint and not sure I can justify spending but I do feel like a dance for sure.
Had a long conversation and picked up on something that upset me...don't know what will become of this and yes we're all different and the like, I know this and I do appreciate this. However, I also realise that I'm too 'full on' for some people, but that's me and can people really change their essential personality? Yes I talk a lot, I chill, I get a heightened energy at times, I like to be in touch often, I don't know, I need to think long and hard about this one..I really should live in a commune methinks cos I am essentially a people person and although I do, at times crave space, I like the idea of a good community and having people around me and indeed, feel able to contact people for a chat and not feel bad about this..Hmm..

Sunday, November 30, 2008

You Reds!

On a cold and foggy Saturday trotted my son and I to the Forest V Barnsley footie match at The City Ground. It has to be said, I haven't watched a live football match for years and I'm talking 20 or so years! I loved the match and especially when Forest scored..was great for my son to see his fave footie team win against Barnsley by 1-0.

The atmosphere was good and it got so tense towards the last 10 minutes of the match..all well worth the experience and we will definitely be going again for sure!

Tonight, I've been contemplating quite a few things..I don't know, sometimes I just feel I may aswell enlcose myself off from others at times because it seems whatever I do, people get irritated or annoyed with me and who I am.. I don't mean to put any pressure on people and essentially I am a people person but I guess I have to remember many people just are not and that can be hard when you have to sort of check yourself about who you are and whether/what you should change..

I've also been listening to Sigur Ros which, it has to be said, has the potential to make me feel melancholic and contemplative. Extremely talented musicians are these people and their music feel so completely ethereal..I don't know, I guess they take me back to a place in time that brings out certain emotions..

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Remembering and healing

In a few days time, the 27th to be precise, is the date my Mum died 3 years ago. How things have changed since then. It's rather strange when I think about it all. My home situation was chaotic and I yearned for change and yet I felt compelled to ride the storm as it were..until calmer times led me to the place where I am now and the situation that I find myself in. The time of her death and my whereabouts at that point in time, are also very clear in my mind too and it's sort of sad when I think about this..

I hadn't seen my Mum for two weeks before she died and this always played on my mind to be honest. She had endured what she thought, was a nasty stomach bug and told me to stay away to prevent me from getting it, in retrospect, I should've just gone to visit her regardless of her words. But I didn't and thus, the last time I saw her was when she had passed, laying peacefully on her bed. I will never forget this image and in many ways, it's almost as if the features of a dead one revert back to youthful and childlike, once they've passed. My passed Mum reminded me of a photo of when she was a young girl.

As time has passed, I guess I've dealt with her death in many different ways and I guess the hardest for me, has been not having her to confide in and indeed, sharing nice times with. Sudden death of a loved one, hits people strangely I think and indeed, doesn't prepare you like terminal illness possibly does.

I've also had some weird 'unexplainable' experiences since her passing; Grey white aura of a head and shoulders and being hugged by this, tapped on the back and bum not very long ago, a male angel dream or maybe, a visitation - who knows? The other night it felt as though someone was stroking my forehead whilst I lie in bed. I've never been susceptible to such happenings in the past and thus, wonder what or who they may be but they're not frightening nor or they intimidating and in many ways, very comforting..

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Angel of Goodness..

Has she healed?
Has the angel sprinkled golden goodness?
On her soul?
Her heart?
For once again she smiles,
Bright and open,
That remains unbroken..
She walks in his healing energy,
The righteous path?
Comforting her body -

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Precious Time

Hooray, the end of my working week already and phew, thank God - my 3 working day week has been hectic and full on, to say the least! Saying that, once again I enjoyed my teaching session and feel very motivated, i love teaching speakers of other languages and discussing their culture and old ways of life. Today, my Iraqi student was showing me where him and his wife are originally from in Iraq - a small place just outside Kirkuk, a place where quite a large proportion was flattened from what i remember. He told me about the different attrocities happening out there and how he and his wife had to seek refuge. It's easy for us as westerners to forget what sadness and hardship refugees must endure and indeed, to feel safe and free from possible death, is a relief in itself. Maybe this is a turning point in my teaching career and maybe, I should consider studying an EFL course to teach learners from other countries. Hmm food for thought. I aim to get the teaching space as friendly and interesting as possible and indeed, an array of differing info about different cultures and suchlike.

Tomorrow, a good friend is popping by for coffee and croissants early in the day as she needs to pick her bike up that's been in my shed since the summer! Will be great to catch up with her and our lives.

I have no firm plans this weekend but quite fancy a cybertechno night, or at least a blow out on some level, after the past few stressful days!We'll see!

I still haven't been to see The Baader Meinhof Complex film so maybe I should do an early afternoon viewing on Friday. Hmm would be good cos I really don't want to miss this film.. I guess I'm trying to live everyday as it comes but I also have to plan due to having my kids and time limited re. my own personal freedom..

Beautiful day today and no doubt getting colder which is always good this time of the year and I love seeing frost and sunshine, it's sooo romantically beautiful!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Time and Fear

So, my travelling journey to my new workplace, seems to take ages expecially when I use the bus! I try to use the train cos it's a 5 minute journey and avoids traffic which, trust me, is much better than being stuck 'in' traffic! Thank god for bus lanes I say!
Anyway, today a new learner joined me. I asked where he was from to which, he became hesitant and fearful about telling me. I guess this is because, with time, he told me that he is from Iraq and my assumption is, feels under pressure about this due to the bad press and relations between the US/UK and Iraq. I may be wrong here but it made me feel sad for him regarding this. Anyway, he will be joining my sessions to improve his english and although I'm not an ESOL teacher, it will be a challenge and a pleasure to teach a foreign learner. His wife and him seem extremely polite and kind, something I've always found with learners from this part of the world.
I had to attend a really important meeting today with an OFSTED inspector which wasn;t so daunting and indeed, gave us the chance to air a few things. One of which, I have concers that the NUS body charges vulnerable and low income learners a fee to obtain an NUS card, which for my learners, is a real issue!

So there we have it, important meeting over, new learners joining me and a feeling that life is flowing nicely!

I think I am going to stop my counselling some ways it helps but in other ways, I know I work though my issues in my own ways and via friends. I don't want to drag up issues from my past anymore, I want to move forward and let life flow positively..I know other factors can sometimes interrupt one's happiness but I guess the key is to address these and move to a positive place..I feel in a positive place right now and I'm glad about this, I really am.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Thoughts for Monday

So, a rather hectic day today and indeed, I'm now tired and ready for my bed - Decided to visit A last night and watch Fight Club with him and just chill drinking tea and taking things easy, which was a nice ending to the weekend and lovely to spend this sort of precious and normal time together..
I cycled back in the early hours and managed to feel fresh for work and ready for teaching in the new hostel that I'm assigned to. I have a really enthusiatic learner who works like a Trojan and hasn't been in educatiuon for years - this is wonderful to see such motivation and enthusiasm!
I listened to an interesting discussion on R4 today about children and the demonisation of them by adults. I feel for our young today and don't get me wrong, I can certainly lose my rag with my kids at times but the survey carried out about demonisation was shocking to say the least about how a lot of adults view kids and teens; pains in the arse, fit for nothing, waste of space etc etc..Nasty stuff. It always amazes me when people moan about kids playing on the streets together..I love to see kids out playing with each other, it's a form of social interraction and bonding and without this, I fear kids lose out on some thing vital about getting to know others without parental control.

We live in strange times and if demonisation of kids is so prominent, then what future society will we hold for the next generation of kids? I wonder..

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Highness Loveliness

Highness Reggae Soundsytem? Possibly one of the best night's out for me at the moment. The vibe is one of happiness, friendliness, dancing and folks generally having a good time. I love these nights and had a great time at last nights'. I met my friend Anna first, to catch up with our lives and have a small pub crawl. Anna decided not to come to Highness though, as she was tired and has loads of stuff on with her business so I went down to this alone and this is what I love about Highness that even when alone, I don't feel intimidated or uneasy in fact, I feel fine and just get on a dancing vibe!

It was also great to get a suprise phone call, which I didn't hear due to the volume of music but luckily checked my phone and rang A back. It was late though, so I met him outside and we headed, or maybe I dragged A to The Turf Tavern in my drunken state - haven't been like this for a while but I def had drank a fair load!We then took some food back to eat at his - this was all good as I hadn't eaten since lunch time as I hadn't been hungry and I'm sure the sustenance was good for me!

So, had a lovely and sweet time of it and I can't wait for the Xmas Highness - will be wickedly cool and a wonderful vibe again methinks! Here's to the week ahead..OFSTED and all! GULP!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Phew, time to kick back!

Had an extremely hectic week! I've been asked and indeed have opened a new provision in the St Anns area of Nottingham and it's been lovely getting to know many of the people who are hoping to come and join my sessions next week. I've met people from Nigeria, Malawi, Algeria and indeed many local people who are waiting to be rehoused. I have a good feel and vibe about the place and the staff seem sweet, very inclusive and supportive about what I'm about. I have a great space to teach in and sole use of a kitchen which is great cos I like to put my and indeed, learners' mark on their environment in order that people feel welcome and a sense of ownership.
I've also been frantically preparing for a college OFSTED inspection next week which means, I get to talk to key inspectors next week! Better be on my best behaviour then!

So, not having much time more recently for cyberactivity and been ready for bed by 10.30! I guess the wonder is on, why my posts aren't focussed around my issues of the 'heart'? Well, I've decdied that this is something that is best kept 'close to my heart and chest' so to speak and indeed, to keep things grounded and real is the best thing for me..too much energy and thought can be spent on heart matters and therefore rather than obsessing, it's better to just get on with stuff and enjoy or indeed, try to enjoy each day and experience as they come. Unless of course, I ever in my life get offered the hand of marriage which is highly unlikely, then I might write about this and yes, I certainly would write about such things!! And I am a true believer in letting the universe let its path unfold, how ever it should unfold.
However, I am more and more sure that I will not accept the 'thrown crumbs' from people any more and indeed, will only accept openness, honesty, kindness, sharing and sincere and true loving..Nuff said now!

I feel like I can completely relax now until next Monday and thus, am going to take things easy- maybe do some swimming and sauna and hopefully a reggae night Saturday - we'll see. I'd also like to get to a Buddhist meditation this week as I've been re-reading my Dalai Lama book Ancient Wisdom Modern World - great book and so grounding and real! I'd also like to possibly go and see The Baader Meinhof Complex film, looks good and violent - not that I want to cause violence but I'm interested in the Revolutionary Marxists amongst people and the views around this..should def be interesting viewing!

I still have probs with my left arm - can't carry heavy things for long and if I do, it fuckinwell hurts after!

Had a funny old dream last night after speaking on the phone to someone who'd been telling me about the food that was being cooked. I dreamt about this and waking up with them! Funny old thing are dreams, where the hell do they come from?

Anyway time to chill and watch some TV and please watch How Mad Are you? I seriously think I have elements of BiPolar but on a simplistic and watered down version!

Observational Reflections

Can we really Hate?
The angered ones -
Who walk,
Shoulders hunched..
Fists clenched..
Head down.
Full of frown..
Should we not Love..
The lonely ones
And desperate,
but heartful
For underneath
Are humans..a being
Same blood,
Same heart,
Same soul,
Same skin,
Your Brother -
From a mother
Somewhere in the world -
Whose life became upturned
Whose love is frozen
and once burned,
With another..
Whose hope -
was shattered by neverending tears,
Whose laugh
Was saturated with mind altering fear.
Smash the lock -
Open the heart,
Free the hate..
Open the gate.
Simplify their fate?

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Seeking Direction..

Over the last year or so, I've been pondering my job and the possibility of doing something different..Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do but I feel like we are more and more confined by funding elements and learner achievement more and more hence, I take you to my point of this post.
Last night I went to a friend's 30th birthday celebrations, who I used to work alongside in a hostel but who was employed by a different organisation. I got chatting to an colleague with whom I also worked alongside many years back and who now is responsible for development and taking their organisation forward. I was discussing my dilemma about teaching issues and the need to teach one thing at a time rather than facilitate a range of different subjects, which makes me feel like I'm a trainer rather than a 'teacher'.
Anyway, my old colleague who I know has a lot of respect for me and my work, suggested that I contact someone and put certain feelers out with regards the possibility of a job that needs creating within the organisation. Tempted? I am and I hope I do make contact with this person..My friend whose 30th it was, also suggested I go and do some sessional teaching with her for a couple of hours and maybe with time, pick up further work along the way..She said she'd love to have me on board and work would be there.
However, this is all well and good but when a job has a certain sense of security with it, sometimes it's hard to take the jump and break away somewhat..
I don't know, maybe I'm just at a turning point with regards this and things will unfold as they should do but the dilemma is there and the direction a little confused..
Maybe a visit to the countryside might be the solution. I feel the need to get out into wide open space and beings as though I haven't been to the countryside for a while, maybe it's time..I could take myself off on a ramble in The Peaks, get all cold and windswept and then warm up in a country pub near the fire. I could enjoy the last remnants of autumnal colours and leaf fall..leaf fall is so beautiful to watch and this year, England's autumn colours seem so much more vibrant than last year..So yes, I think a visit to the countryside is well and truly due..

My oldest son is possibly going to be moving to Denmark after Xmas. We've recently had many rows and the like which I guess is pretty normal for teens and parents and now I feel it may be time to have some time with his Dad. He's been mentioning moving over there for a while and although lots of angry words and home truths have been spoken with his Father, things have cooled as I knew they would and a solution and compromise has been made. Indeed, it may well be that my son moves out there after Xmas and stays with family and indeed, will have a job to walk into almost immediately. It's been proving really hard for him to find work here and this hanging around doing nothing is tiring and unhealthy for him and indeed, me. So we'll see, time as always, is the teller with such things..

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Dawn of a new sunrise?

Obama for President? How touched and hopeful was I when I heard that news this morning? I listened to his speech and it really made me more emotional than I thought! For one thing, he's the first ever black president of the USA and two, I liked what he had to say about the US uniting and people coming together..I truly hope he changes things for the people fo America not only for those who struggle but also for those who want equality and freedom and indeed, the hope of an end to the attrocities that continue to happen in the Middle east. Maybe there could be fresh dialogue about Israel and Palestine question..One thing's for sure, it's gonna be a hard and tough job along a long road!

Nearly 3 years ago, was the death of my Mother..a few more weeks and there we have it. I know death affects us a lot more than we care to admit. Death of a very close loved one, especially a mother, changes you in many respects, there is always a certain emptiness that never existed before and a different sort of low that I don't think you really experience on this level. It's hard to describe but it's there and I know how I feel..The cliche time makes things better is true but the hole that exists is paramount..I guess too for me, many things changed in the time close to and after my Mum's death and I don't think I've dealth with them all. Maybe it's time to deal with these issues as I last mentioned to my counsellor..we'll see. So in many respects I'll be counting the days down and sometimes I just wish my Mum would appear to give me some guidance about things but I know this is silly thinking and I guess it just shows how close we were as people for sharing thoughts and feelings..Indeed, when you've talked to yourt Mum most nights for the good part of your life albeit with a few gaps inbetween, this is hard to comprehend and thus, loneliness can take over at times.

Hmm. I'm hoping to attend a Yoga session tomorrow night all being well and assuming my son will babysit! I look forward to some grounding and realise how much I need this, I really do!

Monday, November 03, 2008


Been listening to Portishead today, in between cleaning up my poorly son's smelly puke, bless him.
Roads? An awesome track, tune and Portishead and what do the lyrics mean, I ask you?

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

I guess we all take our own meanings from lyrics and poems and this indeed, is the beauty of written pieces.
We all come to certain roads in our life and of course, at times, wonder which way to turn, where to go and where we'll end up. Or, maybe, just maybe some of us are able to just keep going down the same road without questioning anything or indeed, challenging the things that really bother us, be it Love, Jobs, Family,LIfe, systems etc.
Me? I've never seemed to have been able to go in one straight line..I guess the road then, has always been a slippery and winding one but I truly feel that I want my road to become straighter and straighter now to be perfectly honest. And, I hope it will be, I truly hope it will! But then maybe, just maybe these winding roads are put there to take us and indeed, test us towards our final destinations in life..Deep? Yeah maybe so but then I'm a deep and intense person at times, this is me and will ever be as such!
So roads to take and turn into come with time and much contemplation ...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Buddhism and Wisdom

OK, so after a lovely night with my family and celebrating my Dad's 70th birthday, it reminded me about how important and permanent family is and indeed, the reliability of family. I also enjoyed being around friends later and met some new people who seemed sweet and into the outdoor party scene, which is all good cos I still like the outdoor vibe and indeed, hope to attend a outdoor party this weekend depending on lift and freinds going along etc etc.
Today, I've been in reflective, sort of sad and soul searching mode. I remember attending the buddhist Centre not long ago and asking an opinion about something regarding love and destruction. I remember the old man who responded to my question said sometimes in life, we have to practise something known as wisdom and indeed, Buddhist wisdom. In other words he was saying that no matter how kind and good we are to others, sometimes it's necessary to be wise and take the path of wisdom, especially when something may be causing upset..

Here's a brief explanation about basic wisdom and indeed, not solely confined to matters of the heart or head but just basic principles.

The highest wisdom is seeing that in reality all phenomena are incomplete, impermanent, and not self. This understanding is totally freeing and leads to the great security and happiness which is called Nirvana. However, the Buddha doesn't speak too much about this level of wisdom. It is not wisdom if we simply believe what we are told. True wisdom is to directly see and understand for ourselves. At this level then, wisdom is to keep an open mind rather than being closed-minded, listening to other points of view rather than being bigoted; to carefully examine facts that contradict our beliefs, rather than burying our heads in the sand; to be objective rather than prejudiced and partisan; to take time about forming our opinions and beliefs rather than just accepting the first or most emotional thing that is offered to us; and to always be ready to change our beliefs when facts that contradict them are presented to us. A person who does this is certainly wise and is certain to eventually arrive at true understanding. The path of just believing what you are told is easy.
The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.

I think a visit to the buddhist centre again is calling me..maybe this Friday I'll head to the wonderful lunch time meditation again.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Let party time commence....fuelled by numbskullinglycrap anger!

So, a busy day ahead after being depressed about Royal Bank of Scotland and their plans to give some staff bonuses whilst the Govt are bailing them out with tax payers' money! A joke? Fuck me this is A FUCKIN JOKE NOT! I'm feeling angrily insane as I write this and I tell you, it ain't half infuriated my overactive brain today! The Govt? Are we such numbskulls that we are OK about this news?????

Me and my lovely extrovert son Jake, are heading shopping to buy
.Pair of new school shoes. desperateness
.Dad birthday pressie
.Birthday card

and..maybe stop for a creamy hot choc some where for Jake to enjoy. I'm looking forward to seeeing my lovely albeit at times dysfunctional family and indeed, celebrating with my Dad, his 70th year on mothership Earth!

Spoken to my mate Julie and all action stations for her party later on I guess, I'll head to her do about 11ish and spend time for her birthday and then possibly ehad to a club for dancing! Always does me the world of good to dance. Maybe I need to join a dance troupe or summat? I dunno, dancing is just something that's always given me good feelings and vibes despite what ever crapness may be looming around..

So a happy 1st day of November! Bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Alone Beats

Alone- ness
Is the only way forward?
Towards self preservation..
Soul ressurection.
Do strive for -
Long and yearn for..
Anxiously waiting their turn for
Do they get out alive?
Does the storm carry them to calm waters?
Or turbulent forces?
Throughout THEIR life course/s?
Attachment love..
The recipe of happiness?
Does the heat build up?
Boil over, burn, explode!!
Dry out the stream of kindness?
Condemn the eyes to blindness -
Shrink the full heart..
To nothingness.
A beat that no longer pulsates
To connections
Pounds to an atomic necessity.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happy Samhain and Happy Birthday to my Dad

So, the Samhain will be with us tomorrow. Normally I make a pumpkin soup, fresh herb and garlic bread and chocolate cakes. This year though, I feel that my kids don't really appreciate and enjoy the soup as much as adults so hot dogs and gateau will be the eve meal for tomorrow night and I know they'll wolf this down. I also will cut out a pumpkin and light this outside for Jake to enjoy. I asked my son if he wanted to go trick and treating but he said, a quiet time at home chilling and whatever takes the fancy.

It's also my Dad's 70th birthday this weekend. My family are all going out for a meal with him to celebrate this occasion. I hope I look as good as my dad does when I reach 70! He still looks very young to me and I guess regular walks and being an outdoor man has enabled him to be so fortunate with keeping a youthful glow. I've also got my mate's birthday party to attend afterwards which will be good to catch up with her for her birthday too.

Distance? I feel that A's still not over his ex and thus, this is difficult for me. I still find the hol business difficult and I know he is in contact still which is fair enough but sometimes I feel like I'm just a stop gap in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to meet men who are still pining for their ex's and who keep me at arm's's not a nice feeling and one that leaves me feeling dry and empty and this I don't want to feel's like being second best and this isn't good. I really feel that time is precious and there's a wide world out there for me to explore. I'd like to share this with a person who loves me, or who falls in love with me but it seems that since the split with my son's father,I meet people who never want this. Hmm difficult dilemmas for sure.
Maybe the universe shows us these experiences to prepare us for what is ahead, maybe the path is always mapped out and we eventually fall on the right path that was always meant to be..

I've also been informed there's an outdoor Smokescreen party next weekend - I really hope to attend. Haven't been to one for ages but would be cool to enjoy the Smokescreen vibe again as I haven't been to one of their nights for a long time..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Heavy Beats and Good friends

Been listening to some awesome tunes from - a US internet radio site playing loads of Dubstep..really liking it for sure! May go and meet a good friend this week for a drink as they're on the case about meeting cool to catch up soon for a drink and chat.

Some friends I guess stay for length and others pass through. I'm much more of a long term friend and don't really do 'short term'. I guess to me, friends are precious and thus, we should value those true friends dearly. I've still got friends from when I was 12 years old and I have a group of core friends from '94 onwards when I returned to study. Also more recently, I've met two new dear friends whom I feel will be long termers, Mel and Bridget.

Even when I don't see friends or those who I hold dear, they still live in my heart and mind and I still think about them..I don't like to lose friendships but some people choose to walk other paths and this one can't change, sad as it may be..Hmm.

Have an invite to a mate's birthday party this weekend, sounds good - a large soundsystem, DJs and on until the early hours...looking good and sounding sweet! Time will tell...

Raging Cyberworld and memories of Sunday A.M

What a past few days in Sara World. My home PC has managed to get a narsty XP 2009spyware virus which has meant a visit to a PC repair shop to sorth the bugger out meanwhile I use a laptop from work for my cyber activity! Annoying but I guess, has to be sorted although sometimes I feel how different life would be without a PC.HMM.

I vaguely remember a really loud banging about 5.30am Sunday morning and I remember looking out of my window thinking that someone might've been banging on my door - alas, no sighting and no one to be seen at the back door! Maybe it was my neighbour's house but I remember the banging woke me up and it seemed to be closeby.Hmmph..I wonder?BUT who would turn up at 5.30am without calling me first? Strange but Ill put it down to neighbours or some such!

I've been contacted by TAO Nottingham to do some volunteering in their teabar, so a wonder down there later this week to find out what the score is and what hours I can spare..should be cool and good to do something constructive on this DiY level...will fill you with the detail when I know more.

So, apart from nearly smashing my PC up, getting strangely woken up and future's a going in its direction and yes, I can be sooo ragey when things go amok. Scary!!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Spontaneity and Light

Planning things is always good and I guess, when you're in my situation ie. dependents to care for and plan around, it always seems to be an element of my life and what I have to do. However, sometimes it's great to have a bit of spontaneity in life as happened to me on Friday!
Was supposed to meet A but he was running late so ended up heading towards the library and lo and behold, bumped into the man of the couple I met last week. We ended up going for a couple of beers and had a nice chat about things, exchanged numbers and said our farewells.
I met A and we were going to pub crawl back to his; short of dosh, a cheap night was needed. However, we ended up bumping into his cousin and girlfriend, drank cheap bottles of wine in a pub, went to another pub, left the pub and said goodbyes to A's cousin, headed to lovely shaw's pub in Nottingham - a great chilled place with live this time though, we must've looked worse for wear and then ended up taxi'ing back to A's..
Yesterday was spent chilling and being generally lazy until I headed back home to get ready for a friend's curry night out and birthday celebration. Was in the sack by 12am today and sleep did I need!

So, spontaneous happenings are all well and good and love these moments for sure. This week, is half term so I plan to do a few nice things with my son; Maybe take a trip to Matlock, a playden, swimming and cinema..we'll see how the week pans out and take it from there.

Still got a weird pain in my arm, still don't know what the hells' going on but will rest this week a little..the pain seems to have radiated across the back area to the front of my arm and lower front neck - bloody weird and I am really quite tempted to maybe get another opinion about this cos it doesn't feel right to me at all, that's for sure and at the end of the day, we all know what and how our body should feel eh? Hmph.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What the F**k?

So here I am, sat at home waiting to go to a Dr Appointment this afternoon, after having a weird sensation at work today. I stood up, got the most immense upper back pain, felt breathless and could hardly walk to the train station..started to panic, boarded the train and I now I await my Dr appointment for later today. Rang my sister as she's had blood clots in the past and on my mother's side of the family, thrombosis was prevalent, hence my sister and I being unable to take certain hormones..
F**k knows what is causing this weirdness but I'm guessing it links into the pain in my arm over the last few days??

Wish me luck people, wish me best of British!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


So I have an invite out for a friends drink, with an old friend Jim who I haven't seen in ages. I used to work with him back in the day when I worked in a direct hostel for homeless people. I've bumped into Jim randomnly along the way and often say we'll meet for a drink and catch up but never seem to find the time to! So maybe soon it will be good to catch up with him and see what's been going on in his life, relationship, things etc and be sweet to hear how fellow colleagues are doing.

A? I don't know what is to be...I have many good times with him but the contact his dwindled and this to me means a person is backing off and trying to let one down gently.. I'd much prefer that people just tell me the score cos that's what I'm about but people are so complex and I guess the best is to let them get on with their own stuff..I've a feeling too, that things may not be as sacred as one imagines and thus self preservation is the key..There is no way that the idea of women and 'standard' behaviour is what I'm about - won't go into detail but this is hugely egocentric, selfish and childish.

So we'll see what the week brings and how things pan out I guess..I don't want to start waking up feeling depressed about stuff hence my need to keep seeing friends and keeping busy with things that interest me otherwise I know I'll slump into dark times about A.
Happy Days people!

Wonderful stuff

Came across this site whilst searching the web for something entirely different and I love this article. Read on if you're on the radical left side of things!

Skank is slang and a pejorative term used in English to describe a certain type of female.

The term "skank" differs from that of "slut" in that whereas the latter implies only sexual promiscuity; the former also implies poor taste, personally degrading behaviour and low socioeconomic class.

Also used as slang for a lower class female that is dirty or not presenting herself well.

Other skank behaviors can include being obsessed with celebrity lifestyle and emulating it.

Originally denoting a bad smell or a filthy surface, "skank" has come to refer to someone who is physically repugnant for their filth, and figuratively applied to someone who is morally or socially repugnant for their behavior and demeanor, most often sexual conduct.
He's a Stud, She's a Slut: The Sexual Double Standard
"Slut" is applied to women engaged in any activity besides knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

If you have a vagina, chances are someone has called you a slut at least once in your life. There's just no getting around it.

I remember the first time I heard the word "slut" -- I was in my fifth-grade science class.

A certain little girl (terror) named Eleena had been making my life miserable all year in a way that only mean little girls can. She had turned all my girlfriends against me, spread rumors and the like. She walked up to me at my desk and said, "You called me a slut."

I had absolutely no idea what the word meant. I just sat there, silently. She repeated herself: "You called me a slut, but you're the slut."

I don't remember how long after that I found out exactly what "slut" meant, but I knew it had to be terrible and I knew I didn't want to be it.

Naturally, I'd be called a slut many times over later in life -- not unlike most girls. I was called a slut when my boobs grew faster than others'.

I was called a slut when I had a boyfriend (even though we weren't having sex.) I was called a slut when I didn't have a boyfriend and kissed a random boy at a party.

I was called a slut when I had the nerve to talk about sex. I was called a slut when I wore a bikini on a weekend trip with high school friends.

It seems the word slut can be applied to any activity that doesn't include knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

Despite the ubiquity of "slut," where you won't hear it is in relation to men. Men can't be sluts. Sure, someone will occasionally call a guy "a dog," but men simply aren't judged like women are when it comes to sexuality.

(And if they are, they're judged in a positive way!)

Men who have a lot of sexual partners are studs, Casanovas, pimps, and players. Never sluts.

In fact, when I just did a Google search for "male sluts," the first result I got was She Male Sluts DVD! I know, should have seen that coming. The point is, there isn't even a word -- let alone a concept -- to signify a male slut.

But it makes sense when you think about what the purpose of the word "slut" is: controlling women through shame and humiliation.

Women's bodies are always the ones that are being vied over for control -- whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women, it's our bodies that are the battleground, not men's.

And if you don't think it's about control, consider this little bit of weirdness. The most recent incarnation of the sexual double standard being played out in a seriously creepy way is through Purity Balls.

These prom-like events basically have fathers take their daughters to a big fancy dance where they promise their daddy their virginity.

Likewise, the father promises to be the "keeper" of his daughter's virginity until he decides to give it to her future husband. Where are the Purity Balls for men, you ask?

Oh, they're there, but they're about controlling women too! Called Integrity Balls, these events focus on men not having sex because they'd be defiling someone else's "future wife"!

Not because men need to be pure or be virgins -- but because they need to make sure women are virgins. Unbelievable, really.

Outside of the feminist implications of the sexual double standard, the slut/stud conundrum has always been my favorite because it just makes no sense logically.

Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.")

Does a penis have some bizarre dirtymaking power that I'm unaware of? Every time I have sex, do I lose a bit of my moral compass? "Sorry to mug you, Grandma, but I had sex twice this week!"

And let's face it -- the slut stigma isn't just dangerous to our "reputations" or to some weird-ass notion of purity. How many times has rape been discounted because a woman was deemed a slut?

How many times are women called whores while their partners beat them? How often are women's sexual histories used against them in workplace harassment cases? The sexual double standard is a lot more dangerous than we'd like to think.

So ... What to Do?

First and foremost, stop calling other women sluts! It doesn't behoove us to bash each other, gals. And speak out when you hear men do the same.

I'll never forget in college overhearing a conversation that my boyfriend's roommates were having. They both had slept with the same girl over the course of the year -- they called her a whore and made a joke about her vagina being "loose."

I asked them why she was the bad person in this scenario -- after all, they had had casual sex with her, too. They couldn't provide an answer, but that didn't stop them from continuing to laugh.

I always regretted not saying anything more. Outside of calling ourselves and others out on perpetuating the double standard, it's a hard battle.

But I think if we recognize the hypocrisy of the slut/stud nonsense when we see it -- whether it's an anti-choice law or a movie that makes women who have sex look like deviants -- we're on the right road.

Excerpted from He's a Stud, She's a Slut by Jessica Valenti.

Woman Forlorn..

About her
Is cheap...?
The nightdress -
Polyester cheapness
Nastiness -
The nails and feet
Not up to scratch -
To the desire.
Nasty feet - incomplete.
The weight of her body -
Too bulky -
Could do with losing a stone
Or two -
It's all to help her.. you see,
Put her out of her misery?
Of looking fat -
To protect her health..
She's happy with herself -
Alive, passionate, free,
Lives life a plenty.
Her smell?
Not to the taste,
Oil, she's always worn -
And loves..
And yet now -
For some reason,
She feels forlorn..
Her smell not adored.
Sexy, punky top,
Blue back shocker,
Tarty and 'not to be worn' -
Only to come out on certain occasion -
The wrong outfit in chosen situations.
So what is it.. that is good or indeed pleasing?
Give her an inkling?
Ah yes,

She's kind,
Good heart,
Best at giving love..
Never enough..

Monday, October 20, 2008

Time for serious grounding and groundwork

Realisation always dawns at some point and maybe this is because we're getting close to Samhain - the celtic New Year at the end of October; dying out of the old and welcoming the new, remembering all of those souls who have passed before us and indeed, celebrating their passings but also a dying out of nature and a closing down for winter months ahead.

I've been very reflective over the past few days and realise that Yoga is a MUST for me to keep me grounded and expect the best of me and my spiritual side of life. This has lapsed a little more recently due to responsibilities at home, kids, etc. I plan to restart Yoga next week when my teacher is teaching in my hometown again...for sure Yoga is a way of life and living. A way of seeing life for what it really is about and also understanding things on a higher cosmic level. Also, I need to keep myself grounded to keep in tune what's going on around me and in my close relationships, otherwise I feel that things start to go a little amok, which is less than healthy for me at times because I become too emotional and weirded out! I also physically think this will help me too - align the body and the organs! The last few days have been a little odd with my body - my left arm has been aching like no other, along the back of my neck and right down my left arm! God knows what's causing this but it seems to be getting worse at the days have been going on..Hmm maybe a Dr check up if things don't improve but if anyone is a Dr here and can tell me what pain in arm.numbness means, then all well and good! Deep heat has been getting a hammering that's for sure!

I paid a visit today to a wonderful art resource/community facility called TAO Nottingham. Such a wonderful place is this - lovely and cheap tea bar, friendly people, great communioty based exhibitions and a grand feeling of DIY and grass roots happenings in the city - this I love. So much so, I've added my name to their mailing in the hope of maybe getting a few hours a week voluntary work, maybe in the tea bar or the recycling facility when it opens..we'll see. For me, this sort of things excites and ignites my mind and this is why I'm always seeking new things to be interested in, I have an active mind that likes to be fed and feel a sense of doing something worthwhile, otherwise my mind and soul close off and dry up and this I don't want!

Anyway, here's a poem I've been thinking about and it makes me think about people and's by Benjamin Zephaniah, a man I have a HUGE respekt for.

Stand forward Mr Zephaniah...


We all say we luv honesty
But den wot of de lies we do
Your love may lie and yet be true,
How honest can you be?

Live wid your joyful misery
An madness dat you can't proclaim
How often can you change your name?
How honest can you be?

Fake common norms an decency
Designed to give you sleepless nights
Torture your soul an dim your lights
How honest can you be?

You cannot do conformity
You want to luv more equally
But wot of your community
How honest can you be?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Hoorah for Baby Billy!

So a long while since I've wrote anything on here - well a week nearly which in time terms ain't that long I guess? Been pretty busy with work, home and a naming celebration to attend of my friend Julie's baby boy Billy, who is now 7 weeks old! The celebration was held in a sweet community cafe called The Crocus Cafe in Lenton..lovely food was shared and wine flowed. Was a lovely celebration of baby Billy, really sweet and 7 weeks old as we speak!
However, it did make me very contemplative and in some ways sad about how things turned out in my this I mean, it made me reflect and remember when my own children were babies and the joyous feelings one has and how things change over time when relationships break down and children have to endure this..When I rewind the clock on this level, there is definitely a feel of loss and sadness when I search deep inside of me but life must go on as positively as possible.

The evening was good anyway not only because I was around lovely people and such like and was great to see and give Billy a present but because I also met a new couple who wanted and indeed, persuaded me to go clubbing - even though the plan was to come home early! We were going to head to Smokescreen, as the woman of the couple is a big Smokescreen fan but the man of the couple was a Highness fan, so in the end, flipped a coin and Highness it was!
Excellent to listen and dance to some heavy tunes and the vibe was a good one for sure! Always the sort of experience I want when I go dancing and I do hope I see these people again because ot was good to make new aquaintances..

Monday, October 13, 2008

Seasonal Changes

Years of spring,
Buds and blossom,
Bright and beautiful -
The young form,
Ripe and sweet,
Love to be sworn,
Innocent and fresh,
Pure of the flesh..
Years of summer,
Heat and fire,
Gold and alive,
The passionate urge -
Exploring a yearn
Loved and reborn,
Knowledge and quest,
Give of the best..
Years of autumn,
Tinged and windswept,
Worn around the edges,
Freyed, yet wisdom pledges,
Loved. left. alone.
Curling inwards -
Decaying cells,
Years of winter,
Remain to be seen,
Will they gleam?

Monday Blues?

Monday and to wash away the blues I take joy in the beautiful weather today..October? And the weather feels surprisingly warm considering that we're hitting Halloween or Samhain as the Celts would call it...My journey to work was nice, looking out of the window at nature and the sunshine beating down on lovely golden autumn tinged leaves.

Tonight, I watched an interesting piece of TV about the Oxford Dictionary and apparently, words have been collected and meanings recorded since 1170! At least I think this was the right date anyway but interesting nonetheless! Words eh? And their origins always interest me in many ways - trouble is, when you don't write a lot, you seem to lessen your word vocab and thus, I guess taking a dictionary to bed could prove educating!

I've been listening to a load of Donna Summer recently, was a big fan of her as a child and thus, I've ordered a CD of her early stuff cos I just love Macartha Park, I feel Love, Hot Love and State of Independence..awesome tracks and she's one awesome singer for sure...

Tomorrow night I'm attending a poetry and comedy event wit a couple of friends. Will be nice to be in good company again and I enjoy these sort of nights..tend to always attract old skool peeps who are about the same sorta thing that I'm about which tends to mean - left to anarchic thinking, caring and collective type of people with a conscience which is always a good thing..So here's to a good day and eve tomorrow!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What Do I want?

So, a shitstorm of crapness today because of me maybe being a woman and a needy one at that and becoming weirded out when I don't hear from aperson whom I almost hear from every day - I guess this is how people back off...maybe I'm just being too impatient, too misunderstanding, jumping to stupid conclusions or maybe my heart is trying to tell me something?

Maybe hormones are part to play but maybe, I'm just no good at not having contact with people..So what do I want and indeed, what do I need to feel secure and able to function? And I know in a good relationship, these sort of things aren't an issue because communication and openess are key to a good and healthy relationship with another person..
Also, when you've been let down quite a lot then insecurity starts to take a hold and this behaviour reminds me of teen years when boys tried to play with your heart and let you down - this is so childish behaviour and has occurred quite a bit when I think about it and not something that I'm about...for me, if a person is in my heart then they're the focus and indeed, the priority.

1. To feel like I'm not a pain or invisible.
2. To feel loved and respected.
3. To not have my trust tested. This has become a big issue with me more recently due to someone I care about going away with their ex. I still feel hurt by this and I can't seem to move away from that hurt and thus, trust has become an issue that prior to this event, was never an issue.
4. To be able to open my heart and be my full on self.
5. To be able to express myself with honesty and sncerity.
6. To feel special.
7. To feel free of emotional turmoil and by this, knowing that all is OK and there's nothing to worry about..

God, do I sound fucked up or what? I think they key is to knuckle down because mistrust and suspicious feelings are a really bad thing and I don't like the felings that these bring..maybe they're founded, maybe they're not..Maybe they are though when I think about manyb things that have happened through the course of a year - quite a few sus things that have def tested my security..

So, I think the time has come to depart from love blog thoughts and concentrate my thoughts away from love energies and into something that focusses my mind on more simpler and interese based issues cos when I think about it, 3+ years of love blogging and reality takes its toll on the weaker hearted...

Heart Storm

Up and down
Round and round,
Can't do this emotion
Without feeling it fully.
What's the point?
Of feeling deep within your heart?
And feeling like your nothing -
In the grand scheme of their world?
Pointless emotion
And wasted energy -
When love should be a synergy
Of two hearts
Higher than life itself..
And where understanding
Keep the fire alive and don't
Drown out the energy...
And where mutual support
Are the order of the day,
Not fighting and sabotaging
The love, that should be a blessing..
For love is something you..
Fight for
Strive for
Have faith in
Hope for
Live for
Trust in..
And when these aren't there then love
Is a fallacy?

Knuckle down
Find enjoyment in simple things
Give love a wide birth? Never thought I'd say that!
Even though it beats hard -
To the pulsating of emotion..
Let it go, flow,
To nowhere

Saturday, October 11, 2008

48 hours and sinking in...

Today I've been reflecting over the last time I saw A and thinking alot about something that A said the other night - as always, delayed reaction is how it is with me - I have to have at least 24 hours to let things sink in! I don't know quite how to take it and we were both a tad drunk at the time of him saying it but I remember the gist of it and it's made me think a few things... I wanted to further talk about these things the following day and have been unable to which for me, is a real pisser because I have to get to the bottom of it!

I guess this is all to do with trust aswell, especially because for me, due to him going away with an ex, has left me feeling rather vulnerable regarding this issue. Furthermore, I have quite a few male associates who I know through work and going out that I sense A possibly feels threatened by..I may be wrong here but I sense this may be an issue..

I've tried to contact A today but no response which then sends my mind into overdrive and makes me wonder what's going on..

Relations/friendships? I want an easy life of it now, with no confusions, straight forward talking, no power struggles, no control issues, trust to be granted and built on and a smooth time to be had of it..I wonder whether this will be a realisation? Who Knows?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

A week with the Arts...

A wonderful week thus far for me. Monday, Linton Kwesi Johnson performed in Jongleurs Nottingham at the Blackdrop Poetry event. A and I went along to this and I treated A to this event for his birthday..We both really enjoyed it and LKJ was as inspiring and political as ever with a tinge of love thoughts thrown in. It was very sweet to go to this with A and share such a wonderful event with him.
I managed to grab a few words at the end of the event with LKJ and thanked him for all of his wonderful work over the years and told him that he'd massively inspired my beliefs from the 80s onwards - what a sweet smile he returned to me when I told him this!

Last night was a drama event, Zero, at The Lakeside Theatre Nottingham. The play covered aspects of torture and camp life and how people coped with this amongst many other issues. I thoroughly enjoyed this show and really thought the atmosphere and ambience was completely appropriate to the drama content. A popped round afterwards and spent the day with me today, which was again, lovely.

The arts always appeal to me and from this week's inspiration, I have a clear aim in my mind, I certainly would like to attend more poetry events - in fact I have one to attend on Tuesday all being well on the Babysitter front. I have also been informed about a regular monthly reading event that I would def like to get to, it sounds fun and like a good group of people. I also really want to try and attend the Blackdrop events on a regular basis if possible..

A, met my son for the second time last night and they seem to get on well - I feel A relates to my son well which is all very good..

So all in all a very positive time and this sort of stuff really does bring me a lot of happiness and inspiration!
Tomorrow, I may head up to a Beer Festival and then maybe out with friends for further catching up..we'll see what develops between now and then

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Reflective Thinking

I've calmed down since my angry last post. I had a really good night last night, met up with some sweet people who often attend the same club night as me and indeed, Dj at it. It was lovely to chat with them all and nice to chat and meet some new people.. we all then headed to a good night at the Maze and lots of dancing, chatting and laughing, indeed it was also sweet to bump into old friends at The Maze and talk with them..

Today, I've been reflecting a lot about the actions that we do and the decisions we make and how these impact on others. It has to be said, I can't but help feel that my actions during times in my life could've been different but then I guess, if the path is somnewhat mapped for us then who knows? Maybe these actions are the grand scheme of things...?
Also, I don't feel proud that I've left a legacy to my kids regarding me not being with their Fathers but I've always been a firm believer in having a happy household for kids, rather than a war zone and the way both of my previous relationships headed, was a war zone and battle. I'm not saying that I ran as soon as the going got tough either but had the patience of a saint on many occasions and indeed, just realised that when two people can't function anymore then something positive has to be done and when all else fails, action has to be taken.
I talk about this after a poignant conversation I had last night with someone who was in a loveless marriage but who'd chosen to stick it out for the sake of the kids..I found this honourable but at the same time, felt a sense of sadness that the person is having to live this way and is making abig sacrifice regarding their own happiness - maybe I'm selfish on this level but I just know I could never live a lie on that level to my kids..each to their own though and I wish the best for this person and their life and kids..I guess all scenarios are different and complex.

Life? It's a funny thing really when you think about all of the emotions that pass through us on a daily and indeed life level and yet, on a simple level as humans we're here and then gone the next - always seems so mad when I think of it in this context..

Friday, October 03, 2008

Time for blog rest methinks

So, weirdness has occurred once again..I don't think this is healthy for me to keep enduring these emotional rollercoasters from the opposite sex but I ain't going to go into detail..I can't be told one thing and then a person goes all cold and weird! this is erratic and unhealthy for anyone and most of all for me. So, I think I may have some time out of blogworld to gather my thoughts...I'm looking very forward to theatre and poetry next week and I guess I must keep on remembering that I was born alone and I will die alone..
And the worst of it is, how can someone make an arrangement and completely not acknowledge it to the point that they just don't let you know or don't turn up???? Beats me and so DISREPECTFUL!

Tomorrow night? I'm out on a mate's Birthday celebration now and dancing the night away at a good club night - Fuck all of those people who fuck me around - FUCK THEM - I DESRVE BETTE! Dancing? Always does the trick for me!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Thursday's Thoughts..

A good productive day today - counselling, shopping in lovely shops on Derby Road and an invite out with my Friend Louise tomorrow night..I have no babysitter though, but maybe I could try and find one, beings as though A is busy with his uni stuff!

A night out could be fun, especially with lovely louise! Hmm..Time to make a few phone calls methinks!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Wind of change

So the autumn wind and rain are with us and in many ways, this symbolises change, out with the old and new beginnings.

Wind of change
Rearrange -
Blow out the old, destructive -
Bring in the new..
Nurturing -
Without acceptance, nurturing and love,
Life stays static; rots,
Emotions become erratic.
Autumn gold shine on me,
My life is free
To be
Who I want to be.
Free my world of destructive, corruptive energy.

So been reading the Diane di Prima Revolutionary Letters poetry book and Man Interrupted about OCD. Also been following stuff about Naomi Klein's Shock Doctrine. Interesting stuff and poignant to say the least!
Not alot planned for this week but I have LKJ spoken word event to look forward to on monday and my hope to do something on Saturday night - not sure what but time will guide the force.. I asked my son if he wants to head to Goose Fair but he just isn't interested so that seems like a No No. Hmm back to qriting some stuff for work and reading my books!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Blessed is the anger, for it brings forth new territory

Wow, what a weekend! I thought I was going to have a quiet and chilled time of it but that one, yet again, didn't happen! Yesterday, I went for a lovely swim, wrote a new poem about love and expectation for the future, read some of Diane Di Prima's poems, read a few pages of a book about OCD.
I spoke to an old friend, who I haven't seen in ages and we decided to go out into the city and go out did we! Early bird drinking hath wrath! We manage to cram in The Rose of England, almost The Thurland - but it was empty! Wax bar, The Lord Roberts, The Old Angel..ending up in a cyber techno night which was fun and a good crowd of people.
I received a phone call from A asking to come and meet me in the pub. Of course I couldn't say no and even though we'd had a fall out and he'd felt the wrath of my anger, things have cooled and moved to a better place...
He's like my playmate, bringing much love, fun, silliness and laughter when I'm around him..even though we have destructive moments at times, he feels so easy and comfortable to be around and to feel such comfort and ease is a lovely thing really.
So we met up and he returned with me, in my very bad and drunken state and met my eldest son Anton for the first time..I feel that maybe, we're entering a different sort of territory with each other, which is a good thing..Maybe we just know each other's moods better..and maybe, we're thinking a little more ahead about planning things which can only be positive..

Was good to chill today, I read a few chapters from the OCD book that I've borrowed from the library, to A, which made us giggle a little and we did contemplate going for dinner but I was feeling too crap and so thought the better of it.

Been thinking alot about attending a CND protest in October at Aldermaston and also possibly attending a poetry reading in October..time will tell. I'm also contemplating doing a music course - A thinks my mixing skills are pretty good and that I fit music together well, after doing a load of mixing at his a few weeks back! I also enjoy doing this as I feel it takes me into a great place mentally - the ability to lose oneself in music is a real wonderful escape and creativity. All of this active thinking and action, is so healthy and so inspiring for me, cos I know I'm the sort of person who needs a lot of stimuli to keep me feeling like I'm alive and living as I should be, as a human being!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Is the fuckin world insane or what?

So, we're heading to a really bad recession. And yet, splashed all over the media are still, crappy celebrity news reporting - like this is supposed to make us feel a load better? Like we're supposed to think that by reading this shite, our country's troubles will depart us? Serious fuckin bullshit! I can't believe what this country is turning into! What happened to people being bothered? I feel that as a nation, many of the public are completely dumbing down. I cycled to my swimming pool today which happens to be in University grounds and I noticed all of the new Freshers; tanned, white teeth smiles, classy clothes, designer looking clothes, wannabe looking celebs..where are the rads amongst these people?

It amazes me to be completely honest and please don't think I'm criticising these people, I'm criticising the system we're finding ourselves in..

What about all of those people whose livelihoods are being wiped away as we speak? Where's the news reporting about this? I ain't seeing much and I ain't hearing much anger or worry amongst people..

I've been recently inspired by taking notice of some of Naomi Klein's stuff - The Shock Doctrine..interesting stuff..I've also been reading some poems by Diane di Prima, who was a beat poet, back in the day! I love her work..truly inspiring for sure. All of these thoughts take me back to my original thoughts that the way Capitalism works is so unsustainable and still only benefits certain parts of society..and indeed, the world.

So maybe my angry head is on today cos I'm off out to hear some punk bands tonight..I've sure as hell been kicking some angry ass this week. This ain't usually me, but the feminine softness only lasts so long and then it reaches EXPLOSION proportions!! Time to channel my anger into something worthwhile and hopefully attend the CND protest in October if time permits..

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Attach - Detach? Attach? Confused!!

So, my head is heavy and many thoughts are wizzing around my head so to alleviate this, I wrote this's a way of dealing with the modern day way of human relationships which quite frankly, I must be an old fashioned girl! I'm proud of being as such and don't ever want to change!

Double Barrel Mineral

Is like cutting your heart out -
Placing it on the mantel piece marble;
Cold, lonely, ornamental, compartmental.
Blood flowing nowhere -
Dripping into thin air,
And merging
Into a dead lake
of salt -
That hardens to a crystal
Forming pistol -
Shooting right through the heart,
Sustaining isolation apart!

Is living in your heart,
Consuming energy from a fire,
Glowing, warm, pulsating desire,
Blood flowing freely,
To organs connected - totallity,
And pulsating
Into a wild volcano
Of heat
That flows like red burning lava,
Forming passion,
Erupting manically in the heart
Fulfills the hole... WHOLE!!

So, I'm trying to think of things to keep me busy over the next few days. Maybe I'll hire a DVD , I haven't seen 'Control' yet and would really like to see it! I also will pay a visit to the library as I'd like to borrow a few books. One a book poetry called
'Revolutionary Letters' by Diane di Prima
and another called 'Animal Omens' about animals and spirituality..I'm also thinking of reading Interventions by Noam Chomsky but will see if they have this in the library!

I'm pondering whether to go to a Demo night at Blueprint but am seriarsely skint so maybe I just need to relax and have a quiet weekend and maybe cycle over to A's to pick my dress up. It would be sort of useful to see him aswell so that I can chat with him about stuff and maybe get some happy medium. Hmm difficult stuff.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

So the days wonder past.....

The last few days have been a contemplative time indeed. I'm rewinding to Friday night quite a lot and trying to remember whether I did anything really wrong whilst at A's. I don't think I was that bad, I know I was on a bit of a swearing mission and I was maybe a little too loud but I am a loud person at times and this tends to be cos I get excited about stuff and then want to share my excitement with others. I sort of think I may've been a little challenging too but apart from this, I was also very kind and thoughful - FFS, I cycled to Sainsburys in the dark, bought some food and ingredients for a birthday cake and made said cake!

Although I now realise that men who are cooks are best left alone in the kitchen cos they get territorial about things and seem to want to take over!

I don't know, I'm missing A a lot and missing not having contact with him although I left an item of clothing at his I think so maybe at some point I'll see him to retrieve it. I don't like to think that you can get so close to someone over a year and then they're sort of not in your life anymore.. especially when you've shared extremely intimate moments and spent weekends together..Hmm not easy!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Crapness at my birthday!

My oh my, what a crap start to being 1 year older than last year! OK, so mates were lovely and I received some lovely pressies, this I'm honoured about. I had a weird but nice eve on Friday with A but then I received no card from A, just shows how unimportant I am..and thus, all of the weird expectations etc, got me a thinking and now after ridiculous texting..I walk alone ....again. Saying that, I felt a barrage of criticism on Friday from A, which began to start to feel bad and made me feel pretty shit so maybe, this was the message about to come anyway!

I can't be doing with detachment anymore when it comes to relationships with people and I don't care if people can't handle my open heart and honesty, full on-ness, love, kindness etc etc. I guess, another hard knock along the way just gives you a bit more heart bruising!! I guess I get too attached and I guess, that means, I have to be alone because it seems many people out there aren't on the level I'm on regarding opening the heart, or indeed seem to only love you when they're playing but at no other time - this, I can't do. I'm sad about all of this of course but been through worse and no doubt will experience crap again..

So, I guess it's time to knuckle down and think about future things. I think I'm gonna head out of the city next weekend and get a break from Notts.. Think I'll head out to the countryside and do a well needed walk..I hope the weather is as lovely as this weekend cos Derbyshire is lovely when it's sunny and autumn!

Fuckin life, does my head in at times! But maybe, just maybe, this is all the universal way of paths leading and unfolding to where they should lead...who fuckin knows??

So Sara, let's think all things positive thoughts.
1. Linton Kwesi in a few weeks time - Hooray.
2. Zero theatre play in a few weeks time - Hooray!
3. Thinking of going to do a music course at Confetti studios - Hooray if I get my shit together to do it!
4. Friend's 30th birthday in November!

Hmm keep on thinking positive thoughts!

Friday, September 19, 2008


So still unsure of what's to be for the Bday but hopefully meet up with friends and have some drinks and then see what happens after that.
Somtetimes in life, the realisation that those who you are intimate with can also be so distant really, beats the living crap out of me!

Was lovely to see good friends last night for a meal..really sweet night, lovely company and food and many sweet gesture presents! Bless those friends who never falter and remain..

Anyway, here's to birthday celebrations tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Complexities and the first leaf fall...

I saw my first leaf of autumn fall off a tree today whilst on a dinner break and how lovely to notice such was from a young tree that was slowly shedding its leaves ready for the coming coldness. I love autumn and seeing this, makes me want to head out to the countryside and admire the autumnal colours..maybe next weekend could be a good idea if I can find a willing partner to come along with me!

So, it's my birthday on Saturday and I have nothing firm arranged. There was talk of a free festival in The Peaks that sounds ace but one of my friends who was up for driving up there, has a really bad cold so I think that idea is out of the question really. It looks like a night out in Nottingham, maybe a few drinks in Hockley and possibly a head down to The Highness night. Tomorrow night I'm out with dear friends for a curry to celebrate which will also be lovely to be around close friends. Friday, a swim and chill out at home I guess and maybe get cosy in my front room.

I've randomnly spoke to A and he's more than likely heading off to his Mum's caravan again this weekend, supposedly alone but who knows? Weird really that you can spend close time with someone and yet, they choose to head off on your birthday weekend which in retrospect is a person's own choice and thus shows me that I'm no importance really in the grand scheme of his life... So, I live my life accordingly!

Counselling again for me tomorrow which should be good and is indeed, turning many lights on for me.. I get on well with my counsellor and I definitely think she's the right choice for me.

Families? Don't you love them? My sister rang me the other day and spoke to me like a child - yelling and screaming at me purely because I asked my Dad if he was bringing his friend to his birthday meal in October; the friend is a woman and platonic friendship. I'm glad my Dad has a friend since my Mum's death but my sister ain't a happy bunny! I've decided that it's unfair of her to talk to me in that manner and tone - I'm not a child and neither is she! Dear me, people? They can be so complex and hard work at times..

I guess it's fair to say I'm feeling stronger and I guess jolly but there's still moments of sadness that creep in when I think deeply about certain things..and I guess that's why I try and keep my head on a lifted level if you get me, because I really can't ever sink to the really low depths again..I guess we learn a lot from sinking so low in truth.

So here's to a birthday of undisclosed age and time to be around sweet friends.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Overwhelming feel of Love and weird vision

Is it just me or do other people get profound moments when they feel a deep compassion and empathy for others? Sometimes, I also feel that maybe I should be doing some deeper work with people and their emotions..I know I'm extremely understanding and often 'feel' what another may be feeling..not as in the physical sense as such but more whereby I feel a person's emotional pain..Like a sensory part of me picks up this from others..

I also had a weird moment again on early Saturday morning whereby I experienced a 'flashing of incident'..I don't know whether I'd started to dream or whether I was a tad comotosed as I had drunk a fair bit of wine and had knocked back a few Ouzo's, but I had an awful vision about a person wonderimg into A's flat and shooting all around with me having my head splattered all over the wall! Eugh, sounds gross I know and an awful experience but for whatever reason, I saw this in my mind and it was odd to say the least!

Also, a dear friend who I've been through quite a lot of rocky moments has once again cut the ties. I guess people choose to do things for whatever reasons but when I thought things were healthier and more easy just shows that I was wrong about this which is a shame cos we've been through some thick and thin times and I've always been very understanding and always stuck up for this person. Hmm.

So, what with overwhelming love, splattered head across a white wall and a fractured friendship, what hope is there for my future??? ;-) One things for sure, I've endured a lot over the past few years and I know now that thus far, I'm coming out out alive at least - OK maybe a bit bruised and battered around the edges but still breathing!

Moment of clarity

Today, I had the most profund moment of clarity about life..I realised that I am free and liberated on many levels and I can do just as I like, indeed, within the realms of what being a mother entails of course.
I reminded myself that I don't need a any 'man' to define me. I also want a man who can be just as openhearted, giving, loving, caring, selflesss etc etc, as I know I am. I don't know where this feeling came from, but it occured whilst I was at A's flat; I read an interesting article in The Guardian yesterday in the Q and A section about John Waters who made silent films in the 60s and then went on to produce Pink Flamingoes and Hairspray. His idea bout love struck me when he said that his 'friends' love was the best - it lasts the longest'.
I liked this view because yes, all of my close and good friends have been there for me from day one and continue to fill my life with love and happiness without question and through thick and thin!

I also had a fleeting desire to head off out of the city for some country air again. Part of me feels like heading out to Edale for my birthday weekend - I love Edale in the's exhilerating and wonderful.I've semi planned other stuff with mates but to hell with it, I may just divert and head off out of the city with anyone who cares to head out with me..we'll see.

So A, he cooked me a lovely Indian meal and spent ages doing it, making everything from fresh ingredients and even hand made the chapatis! This was thoughtful, caring and sweet of him and pretty impressive too. There's something pretty sexy about watching a man cook especially when they spend so much time and energy doing this to please and ensure the taste buds are awoken! I spent many happy hours with him and always do, he makes me laugh and reminds me of how good it is to be in light and fun company!
This week is a hectic-ish one. I have a colleagues leaving do on Tuesday night in Nottingham. I also have a birthday meal with friends on Thursday and no fixed plans for the weekend as yet, so we'll see. It's also A's birthday so I'd like to do somethimg nice for him but no firm plans have been made as yet!
I also think my counselling is working well for me. It's making me think about many a thing and reflecting a lot about sort of hurts my head a little afterwards but maybe this is why I'm also feeling moments of clarity and positivity!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ho Ho Ho the beat goes on....

Ho, what a few turbulent days I've just had but nothing that can't be coped with or indeed, left behind.Not going to go into it but same old patterns of behaviour that frankly, I;'m bored to the back teeth of now.
Today I went for another counselling session, this was good, useful and very very productive. Issues that were raised made me think a lot about stuff with A.. and it was interesting for my counsellor to highlight a few things that resonated well. I also spoke to A after a few angry moments of communication wheeby, he rang me back staright away and we had a bit of a shout, anger fit but then it managed to calm down to laughter and understanding...So, I have an invite this weekend to dinner at his..I guess some bridges might be built along the way, or a good chance to chat about things that are bothering me and let him communicate his stuff, concerns to me to me and then maybe, we'll find some equilibrium somewhere! I guess we all fuck up along the way and do the most irratinal things at times but hey, we learn from irrational behaviour and we change this!

I still go back on my initial thoughts about him, the fact that he's able to look at himself and try to change things, this made me feel attracted to him initially and still does.

I also received my Benga CD! I love this guy's music - so sexy and heavy, if you like the Dubstep vibe I urge you to check out Diary of an Afro CD - Excellent tunage and I know A will totally be knocked over by it, so I'm gonna do him a burn and I reckon a night of heavy Dubstep, wine and homecooked food will be a welcoming end to the week and intro to a potentially wild and bassy weekend!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

So much to look forward to....

Today, was my first interraction out in the e community, with learners again, after my 3 month period of illness away from work. I was working 1-1 with learners who really struggle with basic english. It was lovely to work in two different locations and met 3 new learners who hopefully, I will be able to help them on some level with their English, be it spelling basic words and personal details and maybe recognising new words to read..Bearing in mind these people have hardly any, or no understanding of spelling and reading words. They may indeed, be only able to read or recognise a max of 20 or so words! It was a pleasure to get to know these 3 men of whom were all very respectful and appreciative as I was learning about their own needs and difficulties. I guess these experiences do remind me once again about the joy of teaching others and hoping that I can make a positive change in their life on some scale at least. So, every Tuesday for me for the time being, is working with these 3 men..a young man and 2 elderly men..
It was also good to bump into an old colleague who works at one of the hostels that I'll be going into.I haven't seen him for quite some time and was good to have a small chat about things and catch up with what's been happening.
This weekend, the plan is to go camping.I hope the weather picks up but I guess if it doesn't then the trick is to just embrace the rain and take things as they come! I'd like to do some walking at least but time will tell.

Next week is my birthday. I plan to see friends for a meal and maybe do a club night but nothing is set in stone as yet again, time will tell! I also have Linton Kwesi Johnson to look forward to on the 6th October and can i wait? No I can't! It will be a true honour for me to see and hear this man's performance..I also aim to go to a fellow blogger's play called Zero, at the Lakeside Theatre in Nottingham. I have to plead with my son to babysit but I'm sure he'll be a dear and beings as though the play is on a week night and not much really happens in the week for the youts!

I've been reading Polly Toynbee's interesting article today about class in Britain and this was a pretty good piece with some good observations. I think much of the public forget that we have ever growing class divisions that continue to shape the lives of many people..whether people choose the ignore this is up to them but class is still very much an issue and one that in my opinion needs to be continually challenged in our 'modern' age! Ironically, I read in the same paper that a Director of a utility company had been given a 1mil pay rise! Now surely that should be enough to rise people out of the ghetto but is it? No it isn't! I guess when people are happy to continue to dumb down to celebrity shows, porn on the internet, meaningless TV programes then not alot of proaction is going to happen! For Christ sakes people, where are all of the radicals and reactionaries in this country? I wish they'd crawl out of the woodwork again and let the powers that be realise that enough is enough! Off I go then to watch some more porn! ;-)