Imagine....

Life sucks today

Life fucking sucks today. That's the mood of me today. Fuck reading my blog cos you'll feel like fucking off and doing something stupid!
'Killing in the name of' has such a wonderful sound to me today! Go for it Rage boys!

Arghhhhhhhhh

Back in the dreary Midlands

Well, there's my son doing a bit of crab fishing whilst on hol which he was amazed by. The reason I also choose this pic to show, is the bloody fab colour of the sea! Can you believe that water can be such a beautiful colour? A colour that really makes your heart melt! Well it did mine!

Had an interesting break and it felt good to be away from the Midlands and out of the city. Of course I now long to be near the beach and the sea, as we all do when we return from a holiday.
On my return home, I spoke to my ex and ended up in a big arguement, which reminded me about how much we need to get away from the shit that often surround us! Nice!

Back to the grind! Anyone know any handsome millionaires who fancy taking on a nutter for the rest of their lives? I jest of course!!

Humans eh? Don't ya just love 'em?

Apprehensive Excitement

Off to stay in a beautiful stone cottage tomorrow in Harlech, Wales. I'm excited but also a wee bit apprehensive, as it's the first time I've been on holiday on my own with my son. I'm going it alone.
It's gonna be weird in some strange way but it's also dead exciting too! Roaming around the village as a free woman and a mother! Scary stuff!

So I plan to take my son to the castle, along the beach, swimming, train journeying, hill walking, eating out and whatever else may take mine and my son's fancy.

People give me strength and wish me luck! This woman's apprehensively excited! Although my thoughts wish my dreams would come true and a loved one, was also with me but there you go.
On a long term level...What will be, will be. One wish is, that I was loved by him I love.

God! today's a struggle

Had a load of dreams about someone I truly love last night and it's left me feeling really sad today. So, I'm having one of them 'bad' days today where everything feels like a struggle. In olden days they used to call these sort of moods 'black bile'..I certainly am a candidate for that today. But I know I need to get a grip.

Moving contemplation

Today I took my son to Birmingham airport for his annual visit to stay with his Dad in Copenhagen Denmark. This entailed a train ride there and then back again.
On the journey back, I had chance to really go 'inside' my head and think about so many things that have happened recently and contemplate these things.
I realised that life does have to move on in some way. I don't like the prospect of this and although I've offered so much of myself in many ways, I realise that for some people, it's just not for them..Simple as - and in no way, should anyone ever feel the need to force something. As a good friend's Mum says

"You can't beat the forces of nature when it comes down to true love"

So, on a practical level, I hope my son has a wonderful time in the land of the Vikings whilst I have a quiet, solitary but wonderful time in the land of the Celts! I look forward to meandering along desolute beaches at sunset and sunrise. I look forward to peace and quiet and a new environment. I look forward to hills all around me and mystical myths and legends.
On my return I hope to be renewed, refreshed and enthusiatic about what lies ahead in life and let the forces of nature, guide me to my destiny.

Understanding

Something has to give
A good life for you to live
Is all that I desire
Red anger becoming tired.
Smile back on your face
Passion to make your heart race.
Out of the depths of hell
No more fear, sadness and yells.
All I can do is comfort
Offer love so true.
Understand the need for solace
When things get rough for you.
Always a wonder to me
Always a friend will be.
Love will never die
No matter how hard I try.

Always there

Always on my mind
Always in my heart
Can't depart so easy
From beloved heart.
Always there
Since we first met
Image of you -
Can't forget.
Touch from you
In my sense.
Smell of you
Feel present.
Never before
Felt so in love
Like a higher source
Taken over, from above.

Hmm ranting poems are returning..it's cathartic!

And all because, the lady's moon is in Pisces

Moon in Pisces -

Me and a mate were discussing the amusement regarding star signs. However, I'm a bit of a believer in the Birth Chart and it's significance. I had my birth chart done years ago by an Astrologer mate and when I consider my moon sign, I think I understand everything now. My moon sign is in Pisces so here I go....

Tenderhearted and sympathetic to an unusual degree, you have an understanding of other people's feelings and needs which borders on being telepathic. You are extremely compassionate and cannot bear to see any fellow creature - be it human or animal - suffer. Because of your kindness and nonjudgmental attitude, people in pain or confusion are drawn to you for help, which you readily give. Sometimes your softheartedness is taken advantage of.

You are a gentle, poetic soul and have a great love and affinity for music. Because many of your feelings are nebulous and vague and you cannot easily verbalize how you experience life, music seems a natural language for you. You are also tremendously romantic.

Selfish Fucker

Had a funny old day at work. I had a new student attend today who declared himself to be the "centre of the universe;he wanted things right-here right-now, everything had to revolve around him..blah, blah, fuckin blah!"

Who the fuck do people think they are to assume they are the centre of the universe?

I felt like saying to him,

"well actually sweetheart let me tell you a thing or two"

1. You're not the centre of the universe - you're a mere flea sucking off the back of what we call Planet Earth.
2. Your existence is as unimportant as mine and anyone elses.You're tiny in the general scheme of planet Earth and it's longevity.
3. Sometimes we have to wait in life and learn the value of patience and understanding.
4. Stop being such an egotistical, childish idiot and grow up.

Luckily, I didn't say these things but they echoed in my mind as he was reeling off his dialogue.

Dear, oh dear me, this person really needs to realise that the world actually owes him no favours whatsoever and the only way in life that he'll be happy, is when he appreciates the goodness around him and understand that, in fact, Planet Earth is doing him a favour by letting him live on the fucker!!

Ray of light

Although I'm feeling less than happy at the moment, I've been sort of touched by some beautiful people in cyberworld. Had some sweet messages and general enquiring as to how I am..How thoughtful of those people to take the time out and be so sweet and caring. My son also walked into my bedroom today and said

"Ahh Mum, you look really nice today"

This touched my heart, the only difference today is I'm wearing a skirt! Maybe he senses I'm in a dark space right now and wanted to bring some light to it for me. I always thought my youngest son has some gift with perception.

So although I went to bed terribly sad and woke up to tears, these few things have encouraged me to get on with today.

Monday's thoughts

Had a chilled weekend at a festival near Lincoln. Danced till 4am and watched the sun rise around the festival fire, whilst being accompanied by musicians playing guitar,sitar and drums.. Fire's make you contemplate so many things, just watching flames takes you on a bit of an en-trancing journey. My journey consisted of what's happened to me in the last few years..quite alot to deal with really when I consider these things.

I returned home today feeling sort of like I'd had a good time but also really sad when I reflected about things that happened last week and also realising that I feel deflated.

At the moment I have no inspiration for poetry writing so I'm sorry about that for those who enjoy reading them. I'll post some when I feel a little more inspired.

Flat

1. How do you deal with the fact that someone you so love, don't love you?
2. Why do I keep getting upset?
3. Am I such an unlovable creature?
4. Emotions were banned today - how long did that last for?
5. Why won't his image go out of my head?
6. Do I need to abandon cyberworld forever?

These are the questions plaguing my mind today.

Monday

Today as you know is Monday.

Today I'm not talking about emotional stuff one bit. I'm saying goodbye to emotion and getting used to flatness.

I had a spaced out weekend and one that suited my headspace so that's all good.

A reminder of last Friday Night

Running to the station holding hands
Now the volcano is flowing red
Something there will change us into sand

Now we'll be forever holding hands
Lava and tephra will form our bed
Now the royal flames of Pompeii bless
All our senses...

Inspired

After my wonderful weekend, I was inspired to buy the Flaming Lips CD. On Friday night, I heard this for the first time and was taken aback by how beautiful and indeed different, the songs are on the CD. The songs take you through a range of emotions on many levels and bring a sense of clarity at times.

There are some truly moving tunes on this CD and some of the quieter, more instrumental tunes take me lovingly back to Fiday night and remembering how warm and special this time was.

Please Remember

I just want a friend to know how important he is to me and I'd miss his mind, heart and soul if he weren't around.

Just a simple thought for today..

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering you own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -every day begin the task anew.

And a poem for my friend
by Emily Dickinson

It's all I have to bring today –
This, and my heart beside –
This, and my heart, and all the fields –
And all the meadows wide –
Be sure you count – should I forget
Some one the sum could tell –
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.

An Offering

Pale blue,
I laid my head.
Pale blue to red, from your desire.
A gift for you,
Golden hair
Delicate, precious, in your care.
Aroma for you,
Love divine
An offering to you, so true of mine.
Scent of you
Remains on me
Comforts my heart, sets me free.
Muscular thighs,
Comfort me.
Moulding my body, Embracing me.

Getaway

In a few weeks time I'm off to Harlech, North Wales with my son. I love this part of North Wales as it's quite desolute in many ways but has an 'upbeat' village, set right on the top of a big hill, with art galleries, mystical castle, restaurants - even a new curry house!, long, empty white sanded beaches with large sand dunes! My, how much fun can there be had in sand dunes!
I'm hoping to head further north if finances permit and possibly go over to Anglesey for a few days.
So, I look forward to my break away but I know there'll be one thing missing from my holiday, which would make it even more perfect; The heart does yearn..but the heart and soul has beautiful memories from the weekend, of sharing good music, wine, feelings and thoughts..:)

Beautiful Weekend.

Had a truly beautiful weekend. Not giving no detail as it's too sacred to the heart but truly beautiful; Time can be so special when spent in the company of one you hold dear; Time that you never want to end.

The hills are calling my heart and soul; I need to be further ignited soon. I await longingly for this time. August the 4th is a fanciable time for a ramble!

Fruit of Summer

Cool Summer's Eve
Windy, blown around leaves.
Curtains slowly undrawn
To your beautiful soul sworn.
Nights of heavenly bliss
Ignited by a kiss.
Deep within your heart
Fire blows me apart.
Eyes endlessly transfixed
Entwined, hungrily mixed.
Beautiful tone of skin
Enticing me to step within.
Devour the fruits of your love
Tranquility, as white, as the dove.

Wild Nights - Wild Nights

Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile – the winds –
To a heart in port –
Done with the compass –
Done with the chart!

Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the sea!
Might I moor – Tonight –
In thee!

July Eve

July,you and wine
Wonderful, deep and fine
sharing with you
Happy and new.
Ecstatic Eve
Never want to leave.
Depth of your soul
Makes me feel whole.

July, you and music
Stirs the emotion.
Heavenly, beautiful desire
Relighting my smouldering fire.
A journey of wondrous pleasure
Delicate, awe inspiring treasure.
Makes me feel alive

My thoughts for today

1. I want to see my friend but I don't think he wants to see me :( I wish he did.

2. My son has decided that he's going to live in Denmark next year which I knew would come at some point in the near future. He's off there for 6 whole weeks in a few weeks time for a holiday with his Dad.

3. I feel like my life is changing on so many levels; it's quite strange but exciting too.

4. I've discovered the joys of credit cards for balance transfers!

5. I may go to a free party tomorrow I may not. I want a better offer :(

6. I like the sun and then the rain, it feels lovely on the skin.

Who was she?

She was a friendly, happy woman. Always willing to give, please, forgive and forget.
As a young woman she was unsure of her own beauty;She never felt she was very pretty. Average yes, but pretty? No!
When she was younger, she never thought of herself as a classical beauty or very attractive. She,like hundreds of other women in western society, compartmentalised and visually dissected her body parts; Face? Too fat, Legs? Too short, Stomach? Too pudgy, Bum? Too big, Nose? Too big and wobsided, Eyes? Too small, Lips? Too thin. She endured this body fascism for a good 20 years of her life.

The men she'd met throughout her life never really appreciated her for her outer beauty. Her inner dialogue regarding herself, went along the lines of ..
"maybe she wasn't really that attractive, maybe she didn't deserve to feel that she was that special in their life, maybe they'd met better people before she came into their world who they cherished on a more visual level, maybe they were happy for second best" Little did she realsie at that time, that she was putting up with second best in many ways.

The men in her life who'd meant something special to her throughout the years, would compliment her on her lovely personality, her beautiful hair and eyes. As soon though as they complimented her on these things, they'd often like to stick the destructive knife in using negative comments about her body, behaviour. Indeed making fun of her on a passive level, when friends and family were present. Sly comments, digs about body shape and size.
Fuckers! These men weren't wholly appreciative of who she felt she really was. They didn't seem to see the 'whole picture' of her inner-self and her inner-dialogue; Her passion for life, her lust for true companionship and love, her love of finding out about new things, her desire to search for new experiences, her excitement about what some would class, as trivialities, her gullible, soft nature.

Gullible. Her friends used to joke with her about that word. Gullible? She used to think about that word and it's connotations quite alot when she was younger.
Gullible? One who is easily taken advantage of.
In many ways she hated to think herself as this. She went more along the lines of
"If a person likes to think of one as gullible and takes advantage, then they have to take responsibilty for their behaviour and actions"
She wasn't gullible! No she was just kind, caring, compassionate, loving and wanted to see no harm done to anyone. She wanted to be a friend to those she loved and to the new people she encountered in her life.

Only now, she's a tougher woman with a soft core. She loves her body (most of the time) Her inner dialogue tells her that she really does deserve to be cherished like nothing before, loved as passionately as her fantasy has always wanted, desired as a goddess would have been desired in mythical stories, seen for who she really is and not as others think she is.
These recent thoughts about herself, are a rare gift from one who makes her feel like she is truly loved when she encounters his prescence.

Today I'm a Hypochondriac

Today I've been on yet another course. I've been stuck in a room with no windows and fake air conditioning. I HATE AIR CONDITIONIONG. IT MAKES ME FEEL ILL.

So although in spirit, I feel rather well and bouyant, in body, I've had some weird ailments since Monday. Sickness, Pains in my lung area, feeling nauseous. I'm putting it down to being stuck in the same training room, around 38 people all sharing the same unclean air and germs. YUK!!!

Air conditioning stinks!

Missing

I miss you,
Like I miss
The falling snow at yuletime.
Fresh, white, dullness out of sight.
The sunshine on a midsummer's day
Warm, sensual energy, radiating light.
The warmth of an open fire
Desirable flames burning fiercly away.
The white frost on a cold winter's day
Icicles slowly melting away.
The burnt out leaves in autumn
Fate decides where they will stay.
The buds rearing their heads in Spring
Freshness, bright bouncing into sight
I miss spring, summer, autumn, winter
Without you.

Monday Inspiration

I've been on a really good training session today. It was supposed to be about drug awareness but sort of ended up about one mans battle with addiction. This in many ways, was far better than any drugs awareness training I've attended in the past and I've attended a fair few over the past few years; safe injecting (not that I inject), drugs and withdrawal, toxicology etc etc, addiction issues etc etc.

In all the years of being around the opposite sex either on a relationship level, professional level, friendship level, I've never heard a man be so humbly open, honest and brutal about his own feelings, inadequacies, downfalls and failures albeit with positivity, hope, love and understanding.

Here in front of us all, stood a man that left home at 14 years old due to the aggressiveness and brutality of his drunken father.
Here was a man, who left Ireland for London and ended up living on the streets for over 12 years as both an alcoholic and drug addict.
Here was a man who so eloquently talked about the unconditional love his wife had for him, even though he felt unworthy of her love due to his low self -esteem, unconfidence and inner hate.
Here was a man who declared his past white lies and numerous people that had fucked with his head along the way.
Here was a man who preached about the importance of maintaining the virtues of compassion,love, hope and giving of ourselves in a non judgemental way.
Here was a man who, despite all the shit, managed to find the strength from within and with the help of friends and family, turned his life around.
Here was a man who now manages 2 homeless hostels sucessfully, has a caring relationship and shed loads of love and warmth to give to others.

His story was truly inspirational, sad but happy, negative but positive and reminded me that even when we're at the lowest of the low in our hearts and minds, with strength, admitting our faults but not dwelling on them, receiving love from others, we can always find a way out of the darkness.
His final comments about love and the decisions/actions we make in life were really touching and thought provoking.

On love -
"Unconditional love is as necessary as the air we breathe."

On our behaviours and actions -

"If you always do what you've done, you'll get what you've always got"

I dedicate this writing in his honour and I'm so grateful to have experienced his thoughts.

Sunday's Poem

Contemplation about someone I love and miss so much, has led me to this beautiful poem.

The Giver of Stars by Amy Lowell

Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten.


Beautiful writing, the words feel just so right!