Sunday, November 30, 2008

You Reds!

On a cold and foggy Saturday trotted my son and I to the Forest V Barnsley footie match at The City Ground. It has to be said, I haven't watched a live football match for years and I'm talking 20 or so years! I loved the match and especially when Forest scored..was great for my son to see his fave footie team win against Barnsley by 1-0.

The atmosphere was good and it got so tense towards the last 10 minutes of the match..all well worth the experience and we will definitely be going again for sure!

Tonight, I've been contemplating quite a few things..I don't know, sometimes I just feel I may aswell enlcose myself off from others at times because it seems whatever I do, people get irritated or annoyed with me and who I am.. I don't mean to put any pressure on people and essentially I am a people person but I guess I have to remember many people just are not and that can be hard when you have to sort of check yourself about who you are and whether/what you should change..

I've also been listening to Sigur Ros which, it has to be said, has the potential to make me feel melancholic and contemplative. Extremely talented musicians are these people and their music feel so completely ethereal..I don't know, I guess they take me back to a place in time that brings out certain emotions..

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Remembering and healing

In a few days time, the 27th to be precise, is the date my Mum died 3 years ago. How things have changed since then. It's rather strange when I think about it all. My home situation was chaotic and I yearned for change and yet I felt compelled to ride the storm as it were..until calmer times led me to the place where I am now and the situation that I find myself in. The time of her death and my whereabouts at that point in time, are also very clear in my mind too and it's sort of sad when I think about this..

I hadn't seen my Mum for two weeks before she died and this always played on my mind to be honest. She had endured what she thought, was a nasty stomach bug and told me to stay away to prevent me from getting it, in retrospect, I should've just gone to visit her regardless of her words. But I didn't and thus, the last time I saw her was when she had passed, laying peacefully on her bed. I will never forget this image and in many ways, it's almost as if the features of a dead one revert back to youthful and childlike, once they've passed. My passed Mum reminded me of a photo of when she was a young girl.

As time has passed, I guess I've dealt with her death in many different ways and I guess the hardest for me, has been not having her to confide in and indeed, sharing nice times with. Sudden death of a loved one, hits people strangely I think and indeed, doesn't prepare you like terminal illness possibly does.

I've also had some weird 'unexplainable' experiences since her passing; Grey white aura of a head and shoulders and being hugged by this, tapped on the back and bum not very long ago, a male angel dream or maybe, a visitation - who knows? The other night it felt as though someone was stroking my forehead whilst I lie in bed. I've never been susceptible to such happenings in the past and thus, wonder what or who they may be but they're not frightening nor or they intimidating and in many ways, very comforting..

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Angel of Goodness..

Has she healed?
Has the angel sprinkled golden goodness?
On her soul?
Her heart?
For once again she smiles,
Bright and open,
That remains unbroken..
She walks in his healing energy,
The righteous path?
Comforting her body -

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Precious Time

Hooray, the end of my working week already and phew, thank God - my 3 working day week has been hectic and full on, to say the least! Saying that, once again I enjoyed my teaching session and feel very motivated, i love teaching speakers of other languages and discussing their culture and old ways of life. Today, my Iraqi student was showing me where him and his wife are originally from in Iraq - a small place just outside Kirkuk, a place where quite a large proportion was flattened from what i remember. He told me about the different attrocities happening out there and how he and his wife had to seek refuge. It's easy for us as westerners to forget what sadness and hardship refugees must endure and indeed, to feel safe and free from possible death, is a relief in itself. Maybe this is a turning point in my teaching career and maybe, I should consider studying an EFL course to teach learners from other countries. Hmm food for thought. I aim to get the teaching space as friendly and interesting as possible and indeed, an array of differing info about different cultures and suchlike.

Tomorrow, a good friend is popping by for coffee and croissants early in the day as she needs to pick her bike up that's been in my shed since the summer! Will be great to catch up with her and our lives.

I have no firm plans this weekend but quite fancy a cybertechno night, or at least a blow out on some level, after the past few stressful days!We'll see!

I still haven't been to see The Baader Meinhof Complex film so maybe I should do an early afternoon viewing on Friday. Hmm would be good cos I really don't want to miss this film.. I guess I'm trying to live everyday as it comes but I also have to plan due to having my kids and time limited re. my own personal freedom..

Beautiful day today and no doubt getting colder which is always good this time of the year and I love seeing frost and sunshine, it's sooo romantically beautiful!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Time and Fear

So, my travelling journey to my new workplace, seems to take ages expecially when I use the bus! I try to use the train cos it's a 5 minute journey and avoids traffic which, trust me, is much better than being stuck 'in' traffic! Thank god for bus lanes I say!
Anyway, today a new learner joined me. I asked where he was from to which, he became hesitant and fearful about telling me. I guess this is because, with time, he told me that he is from Iraq and my assumption is, feels under pressure about this due to the bad press and relations between the US/UK and Iraq. I may be wrong here but it made me feel sad for him regarding this. Anyway, he will be joining my sessions to improve his english and although I'm not an ESOL teacher, it will be a challenge and a pleasure to teach a foreign learner. His wife and him seem extremely polite and kind, something I've always found with learners from this part of the world.
I had to attend a really important meeting today with an OFSTED inspector which wasn;t so daunting and indeed, gave us the chance to air a few things. One of which, I have concers that the NUS body charges vulnerable and low income learners a fee to obtain an NUS card, which for my learners, is a real issue!

So there we have it, important meeting over, new learners joining me and a feeling that life is flowing nicely!

I think I am going to stop my counselling some ways it helps but in other ways, I know I work though my issues in my own ways and via friends. I don't want to drag up issues from my past anymore, I want to move forward and let life flow positively..I know other factors can sometimes interrupt one's happiness but I guess the key is to address these and move to a positive place..I feel in a positive place right now and I'm glad about this, I really am.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Thoughts for Monday

So, a rather hectic day today and indeed, I'm now tired and ready for my bed - Decided to visit A last night and watch Fight Club with him and just chill drinking tea and taking things easy, which was a nice ending to the weekend and lovely to spend this sort of precious and normal time together..
I cycled back in the early hours and managed to feel fresh for work and ready for teaching in the new hostel that I'm assigned to. I have a really enthusiatic learner who works like a Trojan and hasn't been in educatiuon for years - this is wonderful to see such motivation and enthusiasm!
I listened to an interesting discussion on R4 today about children and the demonisation of them by adults. I feel for our young today and don't get me wrong, I can certainly lose my rag with my kids at times but the survey carried out about demonisation was shocking to say the least about how a lot of adults view kids and teens; pains in the arse, fit for nothing, waste of space etc etc..Nasty stuff. It always amazes me when people moan about kids playing on the streets together..I love to see kids out playing with each other, it's a form of social interraction and bonding and without this, I fear kids lose out on some thing vital about getting to know others without parental control.

We live in strange times and if demonisation of kids is so prominent, then what future society will we hold for the next generation of kids? I wonder..

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Highness Loveliness

Highness Reggae Soundsytem? Possibly one of the best night's out for me at the moment. The vibe is one of happiness, friendliness, dancing and folks generally having a good time. I love these nights and had a great time at last nights'. I met my friend Anna first, to catch up with our lives and have a small pub crawl. Anna decided not to come to Highness though, as she was tired and has loads of stuff on with her business so I went down to this alone and this is what I love about Highness that even when alone, I don't feel intimidated or uneasy in fact, I feel fine and just get on a dancing vibe!

It was also great to get a suprise phone call, which I didn't hear due to the volume of music but luckily checked my phone and rang A back. It was late though, so I met him outside and we headed, or maybe I dragged A to The Turf Tavern in my drunken state - haven't been like this for a while but I def had drank a fair load!We then took some food back to eat at his - this was all good as I hadn't eaten since lunch time as I hadn't been hungry and I'm sure the sustenance was good for me!

So, had a lovely and sweet time of it and I can't wait for the Xmas Highness - will be wickedly cool and a wonderful vibe again methinks! Here's to the week ahead..OFSTED and all! GULP!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Phew, time to kick back!

Had an extremely hectic week! I've been asked and indeed have opened a new provision in the St Anns area of Nottingham and it's been lovely getting to know many of the people who are hoping to come and join my sessions next week. I've met people from Nigeria, Malawi, Algeria and indeed many local people who are waiting to be rehoused. I have a good feel and vibe about the place and the staff seem sweet, very inclusive and supportive about what I'm about. I have a great space to teach in and sole use of a kitchen which is great cos I like to put my and indeed, learners' mark on their environment in order that people feel welcome and a sense of ownership.
I've also been frantically preparing for a college OFSTED inspection next week which means, I get to talk to key inspectors next week! Better be on my best behaviour then!

So, not having much time more recently for cyberactivity and been ready for bed by 10.30! I guess the wonder is on, why my posts aren't focussed around my issues of the 'heart'? Well, I've decdied that this is something that is best kept 'close to my heart and chest' so to speak and indeed, to keep things grounded and real is the best thing for me..too much energy and thought can be spent on heart matters and therefore rather than obsessing, it's better to just get on with stuff and enjoy or indeed, try to enjoy each day and experience as they come. Unless of course, I ever in my life get offered the hand of marriage which is highly unlikely, then I might write about this and yes, I certainly would write about such things!! And I am a true believer in letting the universe let its path unfold, how ever it should unfold.
However, I am more and more sure that I will not accept the 'thrown crumbs' from people any more and indeed, will only accept openness, honesty, kindness, sharing and sincere and true loving..Nuff said now!

I feel like I can completely relax now until next Monday and thus, am going to take things easy- maybe do some swimming and sauna and hopefully a reggae night Saturday - we'll see. I'd also like to get to a Buddhist meditation this week as I've been re-reading my Dalai Lama book Ancient Wisdom Modern World - great book and so grounding and real! I'd also like to possibly go and see The Baader Meinhof Complex film, looks good and violent - not that I want to cause violence but I'm interested in the Revolutionary Marxists amongst people and the views around this..should def be interesting viewing!

I still have probs with my left arm - can't carry heavy things for long and if I do, it fuckinwell hurts after!

Had a funny old dream last night after speaking on the phone to someone who'd been telling me about the food that was being cooked. I dreamt about this and waking up with them! Funny old thing are dreams, where the hell do they come from?

Anyway time to chill and watch some TV and please watch How Mad Are you? I seriously think I have elements of BiPolar but on a simplistic and watered down version!

Observational Reflections

Can we really Hate?
The angered ones -
Who walk,
Shoulders hunched..
Fists clenched..
Head down.
Full of frown..
Should we not Love..
The lonely ones
And desperate,
but heartful
For underneath
Are humans..a being
Same blood,
Same heart,
Same soul,
Same skin,
Your Brother -
From a mother
Somewhere in the world -
Whose life became upturned
Whose love is frozen
and once burned,
With another..
Whose hope -
was shattered by neverending tears,
Whose laugh
Was saturated with mind altering fear.
Smash the lock -
Open the heart,
Free the hate..
Open the gate.
Simplify their fate?

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Seeking Direction..

Over the last year or so, I've been pondering my job and the possibility of doing something different..Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do but I feel like we are more and more confined by funding elements and learner achievement more and more hence, I take you to my point of this post.
Last night I went to a friend's 30th birthday celebrations, who I used to work alongside in a hostel but who was employed by a different organisation. I got chatting to an colleague with whom I also worked alongside many years back and who now is responsible for development and taking their organisation forward. I was discussing my dilemma about teaching issues and the need to teach one thing at a time rather than facilitate a range of different subjects, which makes me feel like I'm a trainer rather than a 'teacher'.
Anyway, my old colleague who I know has a lot of respect for me and my work, suggested that I contact someone and put certain feelers out with regards the possibility of a job that needs creating within the organisation. Tempted? I am and I hope I do make contact with this person..My friend whose 30th it was, also suggested I go and do some sessional teaching with her for a couple of hours and maybe with time, pick up further work along the way..She said she'd love to have me on board and work would be there.
However, this is all well and good but when a job has a certain sense of security with it, sometimes it's hard to take the jump and break away somewhat..
I don't know, maybe I'm just at a turning point with regards this and things will unfold as they should do but the dilemma is there and the direction a little confused..
Maybe a visit to the countryside might be the solution. I feel the need to get out into wide open space and beings as though I haven't been to the countryside for a while, maybe it's time..I could take myself off on a ramble in The Peaks, get all cold and windswept and then warm up in a country pub near the fire. I could enjoy the last remnants of autumnal colours and leaf fall..leaf fall is so beautiful to watch and this year, England's autumn colours seem so much more vibrant than last year..So yes, I think a visit to the countryside is well and truly due..

My oldest son is possibly going to be moving to Denmark after Xmas. We've recently had many rows and the like which I guess is pretty normal for teens and parents and now I feel it may be time to have some time with his Dad. He's been mentioning moving over there for a while and although lots of angry words and home truths have been spoken with his Father, things have cooled as I knew they would and a solution and compromise has been made. Indeed, it may well be that my son moves out there after Xmas and stays with family and indeed, will have a job to walk into almost immediately. It's been proving really hard for him to find work here and this hanging around doing nothing is tiring and unhealthy for him and indeed, me. So we'll see, time as always, is the teller with such things..

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Dawn of a new sunrise?

Obama for President? How touched and hopeful was I when I heard that news this morning? I listened to his speech and it really made me more emotional than I thought! For one thing, he's the first ever black president of the USA and two, I liked what he had to say about the US uniting and people coming together..I truly hope he changes things for the people fo America not only for those who struggle but also for those who want equality and freedom and indeed, the hope of an end to the attrocities that continue to happen in the Middle east. Maybe there could be fresh dialogue about Israel and Palestine question..One thing's for sure, it's gonna be a hard and tough job along a long road!

Nearly 3 years ago, was the death of my Mother..a few more weeks and there we have it. I know death affects us a lot more than we care to admit. Death of a very close loved one, especially a mother, changes you in many respects, there is always a certain emptiness that never existed before and a different sort of low that I don't think you really experience on this level. It's hard to describe but it's there and I know how I feel..The cliche time makes things better is true but the hole that exists is paramount..I guess too for me, many things changed in the time close to and after my Mum's death and I don't think I've dealth with them all. Maybe it's time to deal with these issues as I last mentioned to my counsellor..we'll see. So in many respects I'll be counting the days down and sometimes I just wish my Mum would appear to give me some guidance about things but I know this is silly thinking and I guess it just shows how close we were as people for sharing thoughts and feelings..Indeed, when you've talked to yourt Mum most nights for the good part of your life albeit with a few gaps inbetween, this is hard to comprehend and thus, loneliness can take over at times.

Hmm. I'm hoping to attend a Yoga session tomorrow night all being well and assuming my son will babysit! I look forward to some grounding and realise how much I need this, I really do!

Monday, November 03, 2008


Been listening to Portishead today, in between cleaning up my poorly son's smelly puke, bless him.
Roads? An awesome track, tune and Portishead and what do the lyrics mean, I ask you?

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

I guess we all take our own meanings from lyrics and poems and this indeed, is the beauty of written pieces.
We all come to certain roads in our life and of course, at times, wonder which way to turn, where to go and where we'll end up. Or, maybe, just maybe some of us are able to just keep going down the same road without questioning anything or indeed, challenging the things that really bother us, be it Love, Jobs, Family,LIfe, systems etc.
Me? I've never seemed to have been able to go in one straight line..I guess the road then, has always been a slippery and winding one but I truly feel that I want my road to become straighter and straighter now to be perfectly honest. And, I hope it will be, I truly hope it will! But then maybe, just maybe these winding roads are put there to take us and indeed, test us towards our final destinations in life..Deep? Yeah maybe so but then I'm a deep and intense person at times, this is me and will ever be as such!
So roads to take and turn into come with time and much contemplation ...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Buddhism and Wisdom

OK, so after a lovely night with my family and celebrating my Dad's 70th birthday, it reminded me about how important and permanent family is and indeed, the reliability of family. I also enjoyed being around friends later and met some new people who seemed sweet and into the outdoor party scene, which is all good cos I still like the outdoor vibe and indeed, hope to attend a outdoor party this weekend depending on lift and freinds going along etc etc.
Today, I've been in reflective, sort of sad and soul searching mode. I remember attending the buddhist Centre not long ago and asking an opinion about something regarding love and destruction. I remember the old man who responded to my question said sometimes in life, we have to practise something known as wisdom and indeed, Buddhist wisdom. In other words he was saying that no matter how kind and good we are to others, sometimes it's necessary to be wise and take the path of wisdom, especially when something may be causing upset..

Here's a brief explanation about basic wisdom and indeed, not solely confined to matters of the heart or head but just basic principles.

The highest wisdom is seeing that in reality all phenomena are incomplete, impermanent, and not self. This understanding is totally freeing and leads to the great security and happiness which is called Nirvana. However, the Buddha doesn't speak too much about this level of wisdom. It is not wisdom if we simply believe what we are told. True wisdom is to directly see and understand for ourselves. At this level then, wisdom is to keep an open mind rather than being closed-minded, listening to other points of view rather than being bigoted; to carefully examine facts that contradict our beliefs, rather than burying our heads in the sand; to be objective rather than prejudiced and partisan; to take time about forming our opinions and beliefs rather than just accepting the first or most emotional thing that is offered to us; and to always be ready to change our beliefs when facts that contradict them are presented to us. A person who does this is certainly wise and is certain to eventually arrive at true understanding. The path of just believing what you are told is easy.
The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.

I think a visit to the buddhist centre again is calling me..maybe this Friday I'll head to the wonderful lunch time meditation again.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Let party time commence....fuelled by numbskullinglycrap anger!

So, a busy day ahead after being depressed about Royal Bank of Scotland and their plans to give some staff bonuses whilst the Govt are bailing them out with tax payers' money! A joke? Fuck me this is A FUCKIN JOKE NOT! I'm feeling angrily insane as I write this and I tell you, it ain't half infuriated my overactive brain today! The Govt? Are we such numbskulls that we are OK about this news?????

Me and my lovely extrovert son Jake, are heading shopping to buy
.Pair of new school shoes. desperateness
.Dad birthday pressie
.Birthday card

and..maybe stop for a creamy hot choc some where for Jake to enjoy. I'm looking forward to seeeing my lovely albeit at times dysfunctional family and indeed, celebrating with my Dad, his 70th year on mothership Earth!

Spoken to my mate Julie and all action stations for her party later on I guess, I'll head to her do about 11ish and spend time for her birthday and then possibly ehad to a club for dancing! Always does me the world of good to dance. Maybe I need to join a dance troupe or summat? I dunno, dancing is just something that's always given me good feelings and vibes despite what ever crapness may be looming around..

So a happy 1st day of November! Bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!