Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Wind of change

So the autumn wind and rain are with us and in many ways, this symbolises change, out with the old and new beginnings.

Wind of change
Rearrange -
Blow out the old, destructive -
Bring in the new..
Nurturing -
Without acceptance, nurturing and love,
Life stays static; rots,
Emotions become erratic.
Autumn gold shine on me,
My life is free
To be
Who I want to be.
Free my world of destructive, corruptive energy.

So been reading the Diane di Prima Revolutionary Letters poetry book and Man Interrupted about OCD. Also been following stuff about Naomi Klein's Shock Doctrine. Interesting stuff and poignant to say the least!
Not alot planned for this week but I have LKJ spoken word event to look forward to on monday and my hope to do something on Saturday night - not sure what but time will guide the force.. I asked my son if he wants to head to Goose Fair but he just isn't interested so that seems like a No No. Hmm back to qriting some stuff for work and reading my books!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Blessed is the anger, for it brings forth new territory

Wow, what a weekend! I thought I was going to have a quiet and chilled time of it but that one, yet again, didn't happen! Yesterday, I went for a lovely swim, wrote a new poem about love and expectation for the future, read some of Diane Di Prima's poems, read a few pages of a book about OCD.
I spoke to an old friend, who I haven't seen in ages and we decided to go out into the city and go out did we! Early bird drinking hath wrath! We manage to cram in The Rose of England, almost The Thurland - but it was empty! Wax bar, The Lord Roberts, The Old Angel..ending up in a cyber techno night which was fun and a good crowd of people.
I received a phone call from A asking to come and meet me in the pub. Of course I couldn't say no and even though we'd had a fall out and he'd felt the wrath of my anger, things have cooled and moved to a better place...
He's like my playmate, bringing much love, fun, silliness and laughter when I'm around him..even though we have destructive moments at times, he feels so easy and comfortable to be around and to feel such comfort and ease is a lovely thing really.
So we met up and he returned with me, in my very bad and drunken state and met my eldest son Anton for the first time..I feel that maybe, we're entering a different sort of territory with each other, which is a good thing..Maybe we just know each other's moods better..and maybe, we're thinking a little more ahead about planning things which can only be positive..

Was good to chill today, I read a few chapters from the OCD book that I've borrowed from the library, to A, which made us giggle a little and we did contemplate going for dinner but I was feeling too crap and so thought the better of it.

Been thinking alot about attending a CND protest in October at Aldermaston and also possibly attending a poetry reading in October..time will tell. I'm also contemplating doing a music course - A thinks my mixing skills are pretty good and that I fit music together well, after doing a load of mixing at his a few weeks back! I also enjoy doing this as I feel it takes me into a great place mentally - the ability to lose oneself in music is a real wonderful escape and creativity. All of this active thinking and action, is so healthy and so inspiring for me, cos I know I'm the sort of person who needs a lot of stimuli to keep me feeling like I'm alive and living as I should be, as a human being!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Is the fuckin world insane or what?

So, we're heading to a really bad recession. And yet, splashed all over the media are still, crappy celebrity news reporting - like this is supposed to make us feel a load better? Like we're supposed to think that by reading this shite, our country's troubles will depart us? Serious fuckin bullshit! I can't believe what this country is turning into! What happened to people being bothered? I feel that as a nation, many of the public are completely dumbing down. I cycled to my swimming pool today which happens to be in University grounds and I noticed all of the new Freshers; tanned, white teeth smiles, classy clothes, designer looking clothes, wannabe looking celebs..where are the rads amongst these people?

It amazes me to be completely honest and please don't think I'm criticising these people, I'm criticising the system we're finding ourselves in..

What about all of those people whose livelihoods are being wiped away as we speak? Where's the news reporting about this? I ain't seeing much and I ain't hearing much anger or worry amongst people..

I've been recently inspired by taking notice of some of Naomi Klein's stuff - The Shock Doctrine..interesting stuff..I've also been reading some poems by Diane di Prima, who was a beat poet, back in the day! I love her work..truly inspiring for sure. All of these thoughts take me back to my original thoughts that the way Capitalism works is so unsustainable and still only benefits certain parts of society..and indeed, the world.

So maybe my angry head is on today cos I'm off out to hear some punk bands tonight..I've sure as hell been kicking some angry ass this week. This ain't usually me, but the feminine softness only lasts so long and then it reaches EXPLOSION proportions!! Time to channel my anger into something worthwhile and hopefully attend the CND protest in October if time permits..

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Attach - Detach? Attach? Confused!!

So, my head is heavy and many thoughts are wizzing around my head so to alleviate this, I wrote this poem..it's a way of dealing with the modern day way of human relationships which quite frankly, I must be an old fashioned girl! I'm proud of being as such and don't ever want to change!

Double Barrel Mineral

Is like cutting your heart out -
Placing it on the mantel piece marble;
Cold, lonely, ornamental, compartmental.
Blood flowing nowhere -
Dripping into thin air,
And merging
Into a dead lake
of salt -
That hardens to a crystal
Forming pistol -
Shooting right through the heart,
Sustaining isolation apart!

Is living in your heart,
Consuming energy from a fire,
Glowing, warm, pulsating desire,
Blood flowing freely,
To organs connected - totallity,
And pulsating
Into a wild volcano
Of heat
That flows like red burning lava,
Forming passion,
Erupting manically in the heart
Fulfills the hole... WHOLE!!

So, I'm trying to think of things to keep me busy over the next few days. Maybe I'll hire a DVD , I haven't seen 'Control' yet and would really like to see it! I also will pay a visit to the library as I'd like to borrow a few books. One a book poetry called
'Revolutionary Letters' by Diane di Prima
and another called 'Animal Omens' about animals and spirituality..I'm also thinking of reading Interventions by Noam Chomsky but will see if they have this in the library!

I'm pondering whether to go to a Demo night at Blueprint but am seriarsely skint so maybe I just need to relax and have a quiet weekend and maybe cycle over to A's to pick my dress up. It would be sort of useful to see him aswell so that I can chat with him about stuff and maybe get some happy medium. Hmm difficult stuff.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

So the days wonder past.....

The last few days have been a contemplative time indeed. I'm rewinding to Friday night quite a lot and trying to remember whether I did anything really wrong whilst at A's. I don't think I was that bad, I know I was on a bit of a swearing mission and I was maybe a little too loud but I am a loud person at times and this tends to be cos I get excited about stuff and then want to share my excitement with others. I sort of think I may've been a little challenging too but apart from this, I was also very kind and thoughful - FFS, I cycled to Sainsburys in the dark, bought some food and ingredients for a birthday cake and made said cake!

Although I now realise that men who are cooks are best left alone in the kitchen cos they get territorial about things and seem to want to take over!

I don't know, I'm missing A a lot and missing not having contact with him although I left an item of clothing at his I think so maybe at some point I'll see him to retrieve it. I don't like to think that you can get so close to someone over a year and then they're sort of not in your life anymore.. especially when you've shared extremely intimate moments and spent weekends together..Hmm not easy!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Crapness at my birthday!

My oh my, what a crap start to being 1 year older than last year! OK, so mates were lovely and I received some lovely pressies, this I'm honoured about. I had a weird but nice eve on Friday with A but then I received no card from A, just shows how unimportant I am..and thus, all of the weird expectations etc, got me a thinking and now after ridiculous texting..I walk alone ....again. Saying that, I felt a barrage of criticism on Friday from A, which began to start to feel bad and made me feel pretty shit so maybe, this was the message about to come anyway!

I can't be doing with detachment anymore when it comes to relationships with people and I don't care if people can't handle my open heart and honesty, full on-ness, love, kindness etc etc. I guess, another hard knock along the way just gives you a bit more heart bruising!! I guess I get too attached and I guess, that means, I have to be alone because it seems many people out there aren't on the level I'm on regarding opening the heart, or indeed seem to only love you when they're playing but at no other time - this, I can't do. I'm sad about all of this of course but been through worse and no doubt will experience crap again..

So, I guess it's time to knuckle down and think about future things. I think I'm gonna head out of the city next weekend and get a break from Notts.. Think I'll head out to the countryside and do a well needed walk..I hope the weather is as lovely as this weekend cos Derbyshire is lovely when it's sunny and autumn!

Fuckin life, does my head in at times! But maybe, just maybe, this is all the universal way of paths leading and unfolding to where they should lead...who fuckin knows??

So Sara, let's think all things positive thoughts.
1. Linton Kwesi in a few weeks time - Hooray.
2. Zero theatre play in a few weeks time - Hooray!
3. Thinking of going to do a music course at Confetti studios - Hooray if I get my shit together to do it!
4. Friend's 30th birthday in November!

Hmm keep on thinking positive thoughts!

Friday, September 19, 2008


So still unsure of what's to be for the Bday but hopefully meet up with friends and have some drinks and then see what happens after that.
Somtetimes in life, the realisation that those who you are intimate with can also be so distant really, beats the living crap out of me!

Was lovely to see good friends last night for a meal..really sweet night, lovely company and food and many sweet gesture presents! Bless those friends who never falter and remain..

Anyway, here's to birthday celebrations tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Complexities and the first leaf fall...

I saw my first leaf of autumn fall off a tree today whilst on a dinner break and how lovely to notice such things..it was from a young tree that was slowly shedding its leaves ready for the coming coldness. I love autumn and seeing this, makes me want to head out to the countryside and admire the autumnal colours..maybe next weekend could be a good idea if I can find a willing partner to come along with me!

So, it's my birthday on Saturday and I have nothing firm arranged. There was talk of a free festival in The Peaks that sounds ace but one of my friends who was up for driving up there, has a really bad cold so I think that idea is out of the question really. It looks like a night out in Nottingham, maybe a few drinks in Hockley and possibly a head down to The Highness night. Tomorrow night I'm out with dear friends for a curry to celebrate which will also be lovely to be around close friends. Friday, a swim and chill out at home I guess and maybe get cosy in my front room.

I've randomnly spoke to A and he's more than likely heading off to his Mum's caravan again this weekend, supposedly alone but who knows? Weird really that you can spend close time with someone and yet, they choose to head off on your birthday weekend which in retrospect is a person's own choice and thus shows me that I'm no importance really in the grand scheme of his life... So, I live my life accordingly!

Counselling again for me tomorrow which should be good and is indeed, turning many lights on for me.. I get on well with my counsellor and I definitely think she's the right choice for me.

Families? Don't you love them? My sister rang me the other day and spoke to me like a child - yelling and screaming at me purely because I asked my Dad if he was bringing his friend to his birthday meal in October; the friend is a woman and platonic friendship. I'm glad my Dad has a friend since my Mum's death but my sister ain't a happy bunny! I've decided that it's unfair of her to talk to me in that manner and tone - I'm not a child and neither is she! Dear me, people? They can be so complex and hard work at times..

I guess it's fair to say I'm feeling stronger and I guess jolly but there's still moments of sadness that creep in when I think deeply about certain things..and I guess that's why I try and keep my head on a lifted level if you get me, because I really can't ever sink to the really low depths again..I guess we learn a lot from sinking so low in truth.

So here's to a birthday of undisclosed age and time to be around sweet friends.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Overwhelming feel of Love and weird vision

Is it just me or do other people get profound moments when they feel a deep compassion and empathy for others? Sometimes, I also feel that maybe I should be doing some deeper work with people and their emotions..I know I'm extremely understanding and often 'feel' what another may be feeling..not as in the physical sense as such but more whereby I feel a person's emotional pain..Like a sensory part of me picks up this from others..

I also had a weird moment again on early Saturday morning whereby I experienced a 'flashing of incident'..I don't know whether I'd started to dream or whether I was a tad comotosed as I had drunk a fair bit of wine and had knocked back a few Ouzo's, but I had an awful vision about a person wonderimg into A's flat and shooting all around with me having my head splattered all over the wall! Eugh, sounds gross I know and an awful experience but for whatever reason, I saw this in my mind and it was odd to say the least!

Also, a dear friend who I've been through quite a lot of rocky moments has once again cut the ties. I guess people choose to do things for whatever reasons but when I thought things were healthier and more easy going..it just shows that I was wrong about this which is a shame cos we've been through some thick and thin times and I've always been very understanding and always stuck up for this person. Hmm.

So, what with overwhelming love, splattered head across a white wall and a fractured friendship, what hope is there for my future??? ;-) One things for sure, I've endured a lot over the past few years and I know now that thus far, I'm coming out out alive at least - OK maybe a bit bruised and battered around the edges but still breathing!

Moment of clarity

Today, I had the most profund moment of clarity about life..I realised that I am free and liberated on many levels and I can do just as I like, indeed, within the realms of what being a mother entails of course.
I reminded myself that I don't need a any 'man' to define me. I also want a man who can be just as openhearted, giving, loving, caring, selflesss etc etc, as I know I am. I don't know where this feeling came from, but it occured whilst I was at A's flat; I read an interesting article in The Guardian yesterday in the Q and A section about John Waters who made silent films in the 60s and then went on to produce Pink Flamingoes and Hairspray. His idea bout love struck me when he said that his 'friends' love was the best - it lasts the longest'.
I liked this view because yes, all of my close and good friends have been there for me from day one and continue to fill my life with love and happiness without question and through thick and thin!

I also had a fleeting desire to head off out of the city for some country air again. Part of me feels like heading out to Edale for my birthday weekend - I love Edale in the Autumn..it's exhilerating and wonderful.I've semi planned other stuff with mates but to hell with it, I may just divert and head off out of the city with anyone who cares to head out with me..we'll see.

So A, he cooked me a lovely Indian meal and spent ages doing it, making everything from fresh ingredients and even hand made the chapatis! This was thoughtful, caring and sweet of him and pretty impressive too. There's something pretty sexy about watching a man cook especially when they spend so much time and energy doing this to please and ensure the taste buds are awoken! I spent many happy hours with him and always do, he makes me laugh and reminds me of how good it is to be in light and fun company!
This week is a hectic-ish one. I have a colleagues leaving do on Tuesday night in Nottingham. I also have a birthday meal with friends on Thursday and no fixed plans for the weekend as yet, so we'll see. It's also A's birthday so I'd like to do somethimg nice for him but no firm plans have been made as yet!
I also think my counselling is working well for me. It's making me think about many a thing and reflecting a lot about stuff..it sort of hurts my head a little afterwards but maybe this is why I'm also feeling moments of clarity and positivity!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ho Ho Ho the beat goes on....

Ho, what a few turbulent days I've just had but nothing that can't be coped with or indeed, left behind.Not going to go into it but same old patterns of behaviour that frankly, I;'m bored to the back teeth of now.
Today I went for another counselling session, this was good, useful and very very productive. Issues that were raised made me think a lot about stuff with A.. and it was interesting for my counsellor to highlight a few things that resonated well. I also spoke to A after a few angry moments of communication wheeby, he rang me back staright away and we had a bit of a shout, anger fit but then it managed to calm down to laughter and understanding...So, I have an invite this weekend to dinner at his..I guess some bridges might be built along the way, or a good chance to chat about things that are bothering me and let him communicate his stuff, concerns to me to me and then maybe, we'll find some equilibrium somewhere! I guess we all fuck up along the way and do the most irratinal things at times but hey, we learn from irrational behaviour and we change this!

I still go back on my initial thoughts about him, the fact that he's able to look at himself and try to change things, this made me feel attracted to him initially and still does.

I also received my Benga CD! I love this guy's music - so sexy and heavy, if you like the Dubstep vibe I urge you to check out Diary of an Afro CD - Excellent tunage and I know A will totally be knocked over by it, so I'm gonna do him a burn and I reckon a night of heavy Dubstep, wine and homecooked food will be a welcoming end to the week and intro to a potentially wild and bassy weekend!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

So much to look forward to....

Today, was my first interraction out in the e community, with learners again, after my 3 month period of illness away from work. I was working 1-1 with learners who really struggle with basic english. It was lovely to work in two different locations and met 3 new learners who hopefully, I will be able to help them on some level with their English, be it spelling basic words and personal details and maybe recognising new words to read..Bearing in mind these people have hardly any, or no understanding of spelling and reading words. They may indeed, be only able to read or recognise a max of 20 or so words! It was a pleasure to get to know these 3 men of whom were all very respectful and appreciative as I was learning about their own needs and difficulties. I guess these experiences do remind me once again about the joy of teaching others and hoping that I can make a positive change in their life on some scale at least. So, every Tuesday for me for the time being, is working with these 3 men..a young man and 2 elderly men..
It was also good to bump into an old colleague who works at one of the hostels that I'll be going into.I haven't seen him for quite some time and was good to have a small chat about things and catch up with what's been happening.
This weekend, the plan is to go camping.I hope the weather picks up but I guess if it doesn't then the trick is to just embrace the rain and take things as they come! I'd like to do some walking at least but time will tell.

Next week is my birthday. I plan to see friends for a meal and maybe do a club night but nothing is set in stone as yet again, time will tell! I also have Linton Kwesi Johnson to look forward to on the 6th October and can i wait? No I can't! It will be a true honour for me to see and hear this man's performance..I also aim to go to a fellow blogger's play called Zero, at the Lakeside Theatre in Nottingham. I have to plead with my son to babysit but I'm sure he'll be a dear and beings as though the play is on a week night and not much really happens in the week for the youts!

I've been reading Polly Toynbee's interesting article today about class in Britain and this was a pretty good piece with some good observations. I think much of the public forget that we have ever growing class divisions that continue to shape the lives of many people..whether people choose the ignore this is up to them but class is still very much an issue and one that in my opinion needs to be continually challenged in our 'modern' age! Ironically, I read in the same paper that a Director of a utility company had been given a 1mil pay rise! Now surely that should be enough to rise people out of the ghetto but is it? No it isn't! I guess when people are happy to continue to dumb down to celebrity shows, porn on the internet, meaningless TV programes then not alot of proaction is going to happen! For Christ sakes people, where are all of the radicals and reactionaries in this country? I wish they'd crawl out of the woodwork again and let the powers that be realise that enough is enough! Off I go then to watch some more porn! ;-)

Monday, September 08, 2008

Comin at ya full pelt

Like a train -
Comin at ya full pelt..
Building up speed
Pelts emotion into turmoil,
Wheels turning, turning,
Reminiscent of divine yearning -
Things move and change,
Some things?Can't be explained..
They move but they never...
For time moves and turns
But energy remains -
Drowns and pours with emotion,
Purely inexplicable

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Lost in the rain.

Lost in the rain,
That feeling surfaces once again..
Haunting the emotions..

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


Inconsideration -
A nation of selfishness,
Charged by the self
False re-enactment,
Walk the solitary path,
With shadows,
Lost in the past..
Depth and love?
Exist in the realm,
Of magic -
Of energy..
A chemical reaction

Monday, September 01, 2008

Festival High and Hometime Low

Had a wonderful end to the summer by the last minute decision to go to the OTT festival, which is always a good one. I felt I needed to get away and let my hair down especially because I have been constantly pondering the thought of the 'man' going away with his X this week. This is not a nice thought by any stretch of the imagination and although he's tried to console me about stuff, I just don't know.
It feels inconsiderate and uncaring really and because of this, my rebellious head kicked in and said 'party time'. AND, party time it was. I loved to see Dreadzone and Eat Static - they were amazing and Dreadzone still punch it out on a political level which is always a good thing..I hardly slept all weekend and thus, crashed at work yesterday and became all anxious about the man being away..as you can well imagine!
I guess this means that I may need to now detach really. I don't want further anxieties and worries, especially when ,my birthday is slow approaching..I want peace in my heart and my mind for sure.

I also felt low when I read the newspaper, dear me, an economic crisis that's the worse one for 60 years! I feel for those people whose businesses and homes are being swallowed up as we speak..the way we are living is so unsustainable and something really radical has to change, in my honest opinion.

One positive note, I go to se Linton Kwesi Johnson perform in October and I can't wait! I love this man and what he talks about. I love his politics, observations and challenges to the system and thank God for those who still speak out about unfair systems and practices..

So the man, what to do? I'm confused and I'm supposed to feel OK but it's not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination..and not a healthy feeling after the wonderful time I had at the festival.BAH!!!!