Thursday, May 28, 2009

Coming to terms with Real Love

I live in my head and dreams. Always have done and I guess always will. I follow my heart and I throw myself in without caution. I guess this is down to the fact that I am a very passionate person and thus an emotional person.. A month down the line of being with the new man, I am realising that when real love is offered to me, on the level that the man offers to me, at times, scares the shit out of me!
Maybe I have always had difficulty accepting genuine love on some level and thus, have possibly throughout much of my life, chosen men who are 'emotionally distant or controlling'.
The new man, constantly reassures me - my trust has been broken from the past and thus, this is posing the fear of trusting again. The days away from him have in some ways, been wobbly for me and left me feeling needy and yet, I couldn't wish for a better person to rebuild my he says to me..

"I am walking beside you and I am going nowhere unless you tell me to Fuck off"

And I genuinely believe him. When I think about the words spoken to me last weekend, I have been deeply touched and need to remind myself that this love is real. To be told that he has been drawing me ( the features I have) all of his life in his facial pictures, blew me away!
This love doesn't hurt me, it supports me, it works with me, it listens and understands me, it lets me be free, it practices honesty, it's passionate and romantic and kind and caring..I could kick myself at times..
Just goes to show how low my self esteem has been. To accept a person tell you that you are beautiful, that they could draw almost every line and mole on your body is an amazing and wonderful thing..and is what I have searched for in a partner for all of my life. I now just need to work on accepting and letting love move the way it should do naturally..

Monday, May 25, 2009

Hip Manchester

Manchester, what a brill vibe going on this city! My 4 day break with the man was wonderful! The place feels sort of cosmopolitan and happening on so many levels. Of course the place also has its fair share of social problems and poverty as any other city in the UK but I actually really enjoyed my time there and loved the relaxed and buzzing feeling.
The photos? The pillars? this is a night view of Manchester Art Gallery - a brill gallery with some great works including Henry Moore, Lowry, Mogliadini to name a few. Visiting the art gallery with the new man was a treat and a beautiful and romantic experience.
The marble pillar? This is the man's local pub and apparently, used to be a bank - such a grand and beautiful building this is for sure.

The kissers? the man and me of course..

We had a great time. Walking around a large reservoir and canal, visiting the gallery, a Chinese meal out in Chinatown followed by some rauccous dancing at a brill little venue called The Tiger Lounge - playing kitsch and retro sounds..right up my street! On arrival back to the man's area at 5am, we decided to head straight home, although we were tempting each other to head to a near reservoir to watch the sun rise .BUT too much booze and tiredness deterred us though and I'm sure we'll do this another time when on my next visit and we also think we'll head skinny dipping in the reservoir - hopefully we won't get arrested!

Leaving him was hard today, really choked me up but I know that when Friday comes, he'll be zooming his way up to my open arms again and I really await to be in his arms again!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Old Art of Letter Writing...

Letter writing? Always loved doing it and always love receivinga hand written letter. Sadly, I guess people don't write handwritten letters that much anymore due to e communication..of course e communication is a good thing but handwritten letters just feel so wholesome!

I recieved a beautiful love letter today from the man..really lovely and touched me deeply. So much time, energy, patience, beauty and love is contained in this letter, that i'll treasure it so much. There's something so romantic too about receiving a handwritten letter and I guess I'm just a sucker for old traditions on some level.

Off to Manchester I trek this weekend - 3 days of bliss with the lovely man. We have lots of plans up our sleeve. The Manchester Art Gallery, The Lowry, some beautiful park with woodlands and lakes, the local pub, a pub on Oxford Road that I want to return to which I don't think the Man has ever been to. A rock/punk pub that the man wants to show me. Alongside this, we have to find a way of getting a bath! The man's boiler has broken and he isn't sure it'll be up and running for when I arrive so apparently, a trip to his Mum and Dad's might been in the equation for bathing!

Life feels so wonderfully light and beautfiul right now and my reflection is staring back at me in the pure form of he who feels like my other soul..

Friday, May 15, 2009

Relics of the Past

I love old architecture and buildings and thus, remembered that a while back there was a wonderful programme on TV about restoring some of Britain's old buildings of which, Victoria Baths in Manchester was one. I remember way back then thinking how much I would love to see this Victorian relic and feel its atmosphere, decor and social divisive ways that the Victorians adhered to. So it looks like I will get the chance to see this place when I visit Manc. Talked to the man about this place and he's unaware of the building and then realised he lives really close to it!

Both agreed that we'd like to spend alot of time wondering around looking at this piece of historical beauty! I sent a love card to the man yesterday..haven't sent one of those for a long time.. along with a poem that I wrote about him and me. Apparently, he has also wrote me a letter and I look forward to reading what he's wrote gosh! Wow, I await with a smile and I really am trying to contain myself until I next see him but it's bloody hard, my it is!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Greece? Here we come!

Finalised. Greece wandering.. not alone any longer but with my boyfriend... gosh. I told him that if we hate each other by August, which I actually think is highly unlikely, I am going to push him out of the aeroplane window! Gently gently, we said but hell, no, here we go again and we've now booked his flight. Luckily, my hotel room is a double and the owner is only charging us 10 euros extra for him to accompany me. Bloody cool stuff!
I'm so excited and I know in many ways, 3 months is far too long to wait but patience is the key. Still, I can't fuckin wait either and I was told the loveliest of things today.

'Anywhere in the world would be wonderful with you'

What a lucky woman I am - Goodness has finally arrived at my door.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Take it by the bollocks?

Fuckinell, so it's decided. The Manc and I are officially in a relationship! God. Ain't it amazing how things just happen without any forewarning? I was not, completely NOT looking for a relationship, mainly cos of the past few years of let downs. However, sometimes it's just not good enough to let a good thing pass you by and the Manc, I truly feel, is possibly my soul mate. Hard to describe but everything with him and about him is so easy, honest, open, loving and as we both put it to each other, our feelings are mutual.. Taking life by the bollocks? Truly am for life could end tomorrow and I want to experience him and all he is about, just as much as he does me..the words he has spoken to me have humbled and made me feel completely empowered and truly special..

Thus, we have decided to go away together. He will be booking a flight to Athens with me and coming on holiday.. Can't wait! We both want to hire bikes, swim, snorkel, walk, club, get drunk, visit another island, love, play and nurture. I'm trying to not get too ahead of myself and keeping it all real but you know, it all feels so very real anyway so why put a lid on the realness? And you know, thoughts of him make my belly and heart feel fluffy, warm and whole.. 'kinell!!!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Lightness and beginnings

A weekend that will not be forgotten very easily my friends. After deciding to spend our time together in Nottingham, the Manc man and I enjoyed a wonderful time together, we really did. I was given a beautiful gift on his arrival and one that I'll treasure!
I showed him the Trip to Jerusalem, of which of course we got rather inebriated. Saturday, we went for a long, long walk until late and then when we finally arrived back at mine, we went to eat out for Chinese and had a drink or too. Today, we went for Sunday dinner and then walked the canal into Nottingham with a few stops along the way. We got on so well and it is with sadness that I have to wait for 2 weeks until I next see him, this is a long time but patience, understanding and trust will surely be the key to dealing with this... I know I will at times, possibly panic and worry but I feel reassured.
Whilst in his company, I dreamt, for the first time in ages, about water..pools on pools of water, fearful to step in the water but calm and beautiful water..this to me, feels extremely symbollic!

I have a flutter in my heart, a light and beautiful flutter and I won't go into detail but when I say that I feel scared, you may get what I mean. I don't mean scared in the 'frightened of this person' sense, I mean in the 'letting my heart run free' sense. I don't know where this will all go and of course day by day is the key but everything feels so good. So very good...I may even have a travelling companion in August if I so desire and it looks to be a big possibilty. This man is a gent and has treated me like a princess..I'd forgotten what that feels like!
Yet everything feels so light, easy and he makes me laugh, lord does he make me laugh like you would not believe...I think this is the beginning of something.

Falling falling falling
--- said,
Head over heels
-- said,
Inspiring his art,
Opening her heart.
Embracing around the smoke,
Fighting back the urge of tears -
They choked.
Where will it all go?
Keep a lid on it.
In time.. lift the lid; fly high....

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Art, Excitement, laughter and Ashes to ashes

My new Mancunian friend, at last, has allowed me to see his art work via cyberworld! He downplays it but I'm more than impressed with what he creates - I wish he'd let me see his portfolio of work but maybe once we've got to know each other better then he will..

So I'm so excited about seeing the manc this weekend, feel sick, anxious, happy, manic - all of the feelings that appear when you've met someone new to whom you start to like..
We've had a lot of contact since the weekend and he's as nervous as me about seeing each other - I'm glad he lets me know this, it feels reasuring on some level and indeed, good that he can communicate about such things. I guess we'll eat out, do some pubs, maybe visit art galleries or some nice old buildings and he's into graveyards! Can't believe that the manc is a graveyard fan! Awesome. So apart from all of the nerve crap, I've found alot of time to laugh about things and remember that life is for living in the light..and I do feel light in my heart right now- this is a good thing.

Ashes to Ashes? Been really enjoying it and I love the throwback to the 80s; music, fashion, humour, right on politics and challenging stereotypes..really good! I love the actress who plays Alex, I think she's brilliant and will make sure I watch every damn programme!

Here's to the weekend and whatever it may bring...

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Wellis Fool Hip Hop and Romantic Ponderings..

Oh God, I feel sick, sick with nerves that I have arranged to see the Manc this weekend. I can't wait and neither can he!! We messaged each other and he phoned me from work - the man does not own a mobile! Fuckin excellent stuff! I like this and neither did I own one up until 3 years or so ago..He admitted to me that he thought the weekend was 'crackin'..! To hear that Mancunian accent aswell, blimey, you have NO IDEA!!! What a sweet soul - sharing the fact that he's nervous about seeing me again but can't wait! Wow.. all a bit exciting and something lovely to look forward to! The weird thing is, although I feel nervous, I also feel really calm about him and have a good feeling with this - like it's just easy. We're planning to meet each other once decided who is travelling to where, head for a drink and then maybe something to eat!

Anyway, meanwhile back in grounded world, I have come across a good Hip Hop Artist called Wellis Fool. A complete and brilliant wordsmith and indeed, music maker. Go check him out if you have an incline for Hip Hop. It's refreshing to hear lyrics of the politico type and this guy is about politics and change in the world, hence me bigging the man up! Good things come to those who practice goodness? Yes, I think it does...

Monday, May 04, 2009

Mmm Hmmm camping, nature and a potential spark for a new friendship..

What a great weekend in Sara world. My friend and I went off to The Peaks for our nature worship and indeed, for my love of walking up humoungous hills! I climbed Hollins Cross and then over to mam Tor, all alone, all in peace and all feeling so wonderfully free and happy!

Later on in our camping break, a guy struck up conversation with me asking if I'd like to play ball later. Of course, I said, and after much fun in the pub, met up with him to play ball! However, we ended up going for a moonlit walk around the village, sat on a small hill talking about life and philosophising as you do, headed back to my tent for a drink and stayed up all night under the stars talking. He is, I might add, a dear!
A Mancunian salt of the earth dear. He reminded me about the sweetness and sensitivities of men and made it quite clear that he would like to be in touch with me for camping, walks, visits to Nottingham or Manchester. I await.

But you know, I hope this friendship develops, I don't know why but my gut feeling about this guy is one of honesty, truth, love and sincerity. He's also a father, has 3 kids who he sees regularly, loves art, loves walking and old buildings, cycles and doesn't own a car. Sounds great. The man is a gent, he and his mates helped me and my friend with our bags when heading back to catch our train. We hugged and said our farewells but I hope our farewell is a new hello. and I feel excited and alive..ain't it weird when you meet a new person and you just 'click'? Weird that we felt so at home in each other's company..who knows, could be a long and fun friendship about to develop and in all honesty, I really do want to see him again,if not for the pure laugh factor cos he makes me smile and he made me laugh and laugh and laugh!