Monday, July 28, 2008

Ease of light

That feeling,
Is here..
That depth
Even though there's differences,
Uncannily -
There's an alikeness -
Like no other.
An understanding -
A willingness to learn
And be taught..
A love that isn't fraught;
Simple, unsought.
An ease of light,
Cheeky, sweet insights.
Naughty, playful bites,
Flying as high as a kite..

To be continued/adapted

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Cyberworld to reality

Life is what happens along the way.How very true. I'm spending less and less time in cyberworld and more and ore time in reality - much more fun. Cyberworld has its place of course in times of boredom and isolation but real life happenings are much more fulfilling!
I've had a good week since I last posted. I attended my firat counselling session. Was interesting and weird but gave me the chance to air a few things - however, this airing in some ways, left me feeling quite emotionally wrought for the rest of the day and put me in an odd mindset. I will continue though and see how things go although I have told the counsellor, who is very sweet, that I want a challenge and want strategy..not sure if she's getting what I mean but time will tell!

I spent much of my weekend doing just as I wanted - being with A. I visited him Thursday night and in some respects, I feel he got some of the counselling aftermath from me, which I guesss when the emotions have been opened up, they do come out at odd moments!
Friday, I went shopping for holiday things and thenagain, A decided to come to mine whereby I cooked us some food and we chilled outside for a bit..Saturday was complete laziness but utter bliss - bed, beer, takeaway, DVDs, playfulness, sleep!
Sunday, I had an arrangement with my good friend Michelle who is home at the mo on holiday. She currently lives in Mauritius and thus, was great to catch up. If finances allow, I will go and visit her out there next year but I'll do it alone without my kids because the flights are so expensive..assuming of course, that Jake's Father will be willing to look after Jake for a week to 10 days. Would be great to so something like this with A but time will tell. I do so love being around him. It feels easy, light, loving, fun, happy, jokey, pleasurable and sweet. It also seems that we manage to air out any issues that come apparent, which is good and I guess this is where honesty and good communication help.

Back to my friend Miche, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her and her partner and was lovely to catch up, share thoughts and suchlike. I think Mauritius is changing her but this is inevitable as once you leave a place behind, it opens up a whole new vision of the world.. and England does always feel so 'small' when you return - I remember this feeling after I'd lved in Denmark for a period of time.

A week to go until my wonderful Greece holiday - looking forward so much to it as is my son..A friend is happily staying staying in my house whilst I'm away to house and cat sit..and gives her a break from being in the inner city - which is pretty helpful for me!
I really can't believe that I've got such a wonderful holiday to look forward to! It will do me the world of good and will aid mine and Jake's mum/son relationship...wonderful stuff and just to be in those tavernas, the sea, swimming pools and pine forests is filling me with excitement! Let's hope the plane won't have a dodgy hole in its side! Scary stuff!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Blessed to be around green-ness!

Gardens? I love them. I feel blessed that I have one and try to use it as much as possible during the summer and for that matter, through to late November! I always try to have a Halloween Party outdoors and always make sure I get a good fire going. My garden is smallish but contains the most beautifullest of evergreen tree., I think it's a Larch tree but then, when I look at tree identification books, it sometimes looks like some other tree! Anyway, since the weather has been a little better today,I sat outside with my good friend Lorna from 2pm until late! We sunbathed, took pictures of a beautiful flower that spings to life right now, read the newspaper, girlie talked, drank wine, ordered and ate take away, got cold as dusk fell and so I lit a fire and we sat at my table with candles and fire alight and just enjoyed being. It has to be said, I'm a CONTROL FREAK, when it comes to fires and maintaining their flames. I get psychotic about keeping the flames alight and indeed, ensuring there's anough wood to burn. It's highly amusing and yet an issue for my counsellor to deal with I feel, when I visit her this week. After Lorna had left, I sat outside until just before midnight and just enjoyed the stillness and calm that this time of the evening brings; quietness and tranquility everywhere. I think it should be a right that every household has a green space. It just gives another breath of air into life and without this, I feel humans aren't in tune as much..Sounds like hippy tripe I guess but for me, nature is a profound and healing force and energy.

I have also been reflecting about the weekend that's just passed and feel warm in my heart when I think about the very sweet memories. Friday night, I must've been irritating somewhat, as A was filling out an application and all I could do was interrupt him and laugh out loud at the book I started to read at his..He forgave me though, well at least his actions seem to prove this! I laugh a lot when I'm with him and at times, I feel like I regress into childlike behaviour, which is all very sweet!

Hopefully, a good friend is going to be in Nottingham on Sunday evening. She's stopping over in the UK for a week whilst visiting family during a break from her job in Mauritius. Will be truly lovely to see her and I think I'll probably cry when I do. We've been through many emotional times together and the cord of love is strong so I feel that my emotions will get the better of me when I do see her again and catch up! Bearing in mind, this is a friendship that has now spanned over a good 15+ years and still beats strong..

I also hope to see A at some point and to laugh and get close to him again..for human closeness and intimacy is one of the most beautiful things on the planet! Apart from trees, nature and gardens of course!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Delight is the weekend...

What a wonderful weekend I've just had. Friday, I had nothing as such planned and headed to the library, borrowed 3 books and a DVD. The loose plan was to cook myself some nice food, have a drink of wine and watch my DVD and read.However, things changed and I ended up cycling to A's and cooked dinner for him and me, whilst he filled out an application form. I shared such a lovely night with him and left early as he had an interview. Later that day, we arranged to get together again, I cycled back to his, chilled out with him and then got ready to go out for a friend's birthday meal. I returned to A's and stayed there until this afternoon, whereby, we lazed around in bed and ate croissants and chatted.
Once again, a delightful time was had with him and I always feel a sense of sadness when I leave him and immediately miss him but life must trundle on and I have responsibilties in my home life to deal with..In many respects I feel lucky that I am able to live the sort of life I live with such freedoms and lovely times. A, in many ways, makes me feel happy inside and slows me down when I'm in his company..OK we have the potential to be wild and the like but he's a lighthearted and funny person, which makes me feel very light when I'm around him.

It's always a difficult one when you are parted from one who you share intimacy with and to adapt to being away from them can be hard but I guess the key is to relive those special memories in your heart and mind and treasure them like no other for time moves and things develop..I can truly say, I feel satiated, light and very happy! So, here's to this weekend and indeed, looking forward to spending lovely time with A again in the near future! Although, I must remember he has work to be getting on with and I mustn't be too greedy!

Friday, July 18, 2008

My Lucky Son

I spoke to my Son's Father Jorgen, today - the aim was to speak to my son but, unbeknown to me, he's now in Sweden (Sverige as the Swedish name in reality is) staying at his Uncle's Mum's summerhouse in a Forest, near a lake, just outside of Goteborg (Gothenburg!) Lucky bloody him, lucky that he gets so many wonderful opportunities to see these wondrous places at such a tender age.
Trouble is, at 17 years old, I don't think you really appreciate the beauty of such places because all you're bothered about is mates, hanging out, girls, music etc etc.
His Dad also informed me that the Danish developers are starting to take down the 'wooden self build structures' that have been built around Christiania. This really saddened me because this is like 30+ years, of alternative living history being wiped away. I'm not a big fan of development and I think Copenhagen retains its attractiveness to many tourists because of places like Christiania. The thing is too, Christiania is situated on a beautiful piece of prime land in that, it's a big lake surrounded by nature, woods - a calm in the middle of the city, you could almost say. Very sad if the whole place goes, very sad indeed. The news brought a tear to my eye because I have so many fond memories of the place and I guess really, it would be worth me visiting there again before they demolish the lot - if indeed, they continue to. I urged my son's Father Jorgen, to show Anton this place because it's an important part of Danish history and indeed, an alternative way to how people have lived for so many years. Again, he may not appreciate it now but in years to come, I do think Anton will regret never seeing Christiania, if it does finally go.
I also told his Dad about a massive rave taking place just outside of Christinia, which I think Anton would love! He likes his drum and Bass and hip hop and this could be a good way for him to finally see how the young Danes like to Party!
It's funny how as adults, we assume or indeed hope kids/teens will like certain things when in reality, all they really seem to want are good friends, no trouble from anyone, a bit of money to spend and a place to hang out..As a parent, I want Anton to experience as many things as possible but then I have to remember, we're all individuals and have different personalities.I was extrovert and adventurous at 18 years old and I can't measure my son's quiet and chilled personality by my yardstick. A funny things is being a parent and seeing your kids grow and develop..All I know is, that Anton has been very lucky in that he's had an extended Danish family who have been extremely wonderful to him along his formative years and I feel truly grateful for this and indeed, that me and his Dad/Family have retained good, healthy relationships even though we've been apart for so many years!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thursday's Thoughts

Today has been a hectic and reflective one. I had a back to work meeting which went well but in many ways, I don't know if my heart is with this work anymore. Time will tell and indeed, time will tell re. my iron levels and whether I need further tests to conclude what may be or not be, wrong with me. I've decided to cut my weeking work down to 3 days. I need the time for my head and my kids and I don't want to continually feel under pressure just for the sake of a job.
I've been thinking a lot about A today and dreamt about him last night. I think spending Monday night with him, really altered perspectives on many levels and I realise that my feelings are DEEP.
I've been also thinking about visiting my Mum's graveside cos I haven't been for some time and I sort of feel the urge - I always feel this is the best way to visit a grave, when the mind and heart feels the urge, rather than out of a responsibility. I guess building a childhood music playlist has brought up a lot of feelings and memories for me regarding my Mum and childhood years..

I've also been contacted re. counselling sessions that I applied for some time back and I have a first full-on session next week. GULP! I'm scared about it and don't know how I'll cope with it but the only way to move forward is to grow and develop ourselves and indeed, recognise and know ourselves..

This weekend I am invited to my lovely friend's Julie and Ian, who are having a birthday meal in the city, which I'm hoping to attend.. I want to see A but I know he's busy and I don't want to impose on his time as he has deadlines to meet and this is crucial to him and his life.

So let's hope this summer rain at some points ceases and some sunshine comes out to play!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

True Intimacy

Today I've been reflecting about intimacy with another person. This came about after something that I experiencd last night with A. It was a very touching and beautiful moment and one that I'll never forget..anyway, after plying through cyberworld I came across this writing about intimacy and thought it was very true for many people..

Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our time with someone.

Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.

I was giving a series of lectures at a university in southern Illinois. After one of the meetings, a woman came up to me and said, "I have to talk to you about my boyfriend problems." We sat down, and she began telling me her troubles. After a few moments, she made this statement: "I am now taking steps never to get hurt again." I said to her, "In other words, you are taking steps never to love again." She had thought I misunderstood, so she continued. "No, that's not what I am saying. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want pain in my life." I said, "That's right, you don't want love in your life." You see, there is no such thing as "painless love." The closer we come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain.

I would estimate that you (and around 100 percent of the population) would say you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is, how do you handle that hurt? In order to camouflage the pain, a lot of us give people what I call the "double-sign." We say to a person, "Look, I want you to come closer to me. I want to love and be loved . . . but wait a minute, I've been hurt before. No, I don't want to talk about these subjects. I don't want to hear those things." We build walls around our hearts to protect us from anyone on the outside getting in to hurt us. But that same wall which keeps people out, keeps us stuck inside. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible.

So, as discussed a little in this article, the answers lie in having an open heart - and getting rid of all of the scar tissue that clogs up the heart along the way and loving freely and openly.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Quiet Contemplation and Reflection

So, I had a quiet today yesterday. I thought about many things and concluded that I needed to speak to A about stuff. Luckily, I managed to talk to him and suprisingly had a very long heart to heart chat with him about many things. I was suprised at what he opened up to me about and in many ways, this is good. I realise that my feelings are very strong for him and whatever happens, it would be good to keep him in my life on whatever level. He also opened his heart about the things he said to me and why he said these things..he also told me a few home truths about what he thinks I'm like which in some ways, was difficult to hear but maybe he does have a point and maybe I do need to work at some things.. What I always love about him is his ability to listen to what I say and reflect on this and take action..he's come a long way in his life and turned his life around massivley, accpeting his mistakes from the past and needing to change many things - this makes me feel truly proud of him and hopeful that things will be really good for him in the future..

So we're going to get together at some point this week, as I need to pick something up from his and I guess this will give us the chance to have a proper face-face conversation about things. I feel better that we're back in contact and at least opening up[ a little more about things.

I'm off for Sunday lunch later with some good friends which will be really sweet to see them! Hoorah!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

One day I will get arrested....

Fun and games last night for sure. Met friends and contnued to neck what I think was probably 8 Black Russians in the space of 2 hours! By the eigth one, I remember heading to the toilets for a pee and realising that the women's toilets were all full so decided on raiding the men's toilets instead! Will there be ASBOs soon foir such anarchic behaviour? Funnily, a man was taking a pee and I asked if he minded me using the toilet whilst he peed. He laughed and said not at all and told me he was having trouble peeing - I replied that maybe he had something stuck up his urethra..dear me.
This meeting in the toilet led to further conversation in the bar, with him, his wife and his lovely Spanish friend. We all then decided to head to The Social for Rubber Room night which, exceeded all of my expectations..
I enjoyed chatting to the toilet man greatly, he was a writer and very easy to talk to about many things, his wife was lovely too. I love it when you have these connections and spontaneous happenings with people you've never met before in your life.
Sadly, we never got to say goodbye, I would've liked to have got their details and maybe meet up again but ah, it wasn't meant to be.

I preceeded to dance to some very old tunes which was fun and helped me feel a little better. I missed A, kept thinking about him and wanted to ring him but thought better of if. When I got home I fe;t sad but life must go on and maybe at some point soon, we'll get to chat about stuff. I want to talk to him about things..I can't just cut off my feelings and I really do hope there may be a return but with a different emphasis maybe? I'm confused but I do know that my feelings are strong. Bloody hell!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Friday night invites - what to do and DUBSTEP HEAVENESS!

A good friend of mine Lorna, has invited me out tonight, not sure yet what I'm gonna do but could be good to get out and see friends rather than dwelling in the doldrums! Been listening to a load of Dubstep and folks, I tell you this music is pure heaven - hardcore, bassy, dirrrrrrrty, grimey, sexy, sensual, erotic, dark, melancholic but radically uplifting. I love it and even more so, love dancing to the sounds it makes..Music, music is such a saviour - and an enormous part of my life..I'd be lost without it... I'll fill in what I decide to do after tonight..time and mood will tell.

Have a good weekend people

Today is a Difficult One

Fuck me, I woke up this morning feeling full of gloom regarding my business about A. I feel like there's a big hole in me and feel empty and sad, to the point of ridiculous life contemplating thoughts going through my stupid head.
I'm such an emotional person that at times, it really does my head in but I've always been as such and I guess this ain't gonna change.

I guess too, I'm thinking that normally we'd be spending weekends together and thus reminiscing. Bah! Realtionships/fuck buddies/Friends with benefits bullshit sucks. I can't do them! Time to take the lone road..

I have bloody strong feelings for A and I guess this is what happens when you spend a lot of time with someone on an intimate level - well at least for me it does. Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swimming time methinks and this will do me good!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Seriously consider?

I was talking to my eldest son's Dad last night about our son and Denmark. My son is enjoying it over there and knuckling down in his uncle's restaurant being a general help all around, this is good for him to gain such experience and opportunity. Luckily, the Chef is an Australian guy which means, there is no issues surroundimg language problems.
My son's Dad was also discussing jobs over there and said that with my experience, he feels that I'd walk straight into a job! This is a dilemma I continue to have regarding moving to Denmark again. My youngest's sons Father lives in England and I wouldn't want to move him away from his Father. He's settled in school and doesn't talk Danish..but there are alternatives of course in Denmark, such as the International Schools.
A large part of me feels that I learned a lot from Danish people and their openheartedness, this I miss in the UK.. I love the warmth and sincerity of Danish people and miss this back here. I'm not implying or indeed, generalising that Brits aren't warm etc but there's just something very wholesome about Danes and indeed, their honesty and sincerity that I continually miss.. anyway I wrote this a while back about what Denmark did for me and it sort of makes me want to go back and settle down there again and be around these people - in many respects, it still feels like a sort of spiritual home..

What the Danes did for me...

Reminded me what it was, to be open hearted, sincere, honest, respectful, loving, free, giving, admiration of all, empathic, understanding and most of all, saved me.

My parents, friends, school, music, sub cultures, England and Denmark made me who I am. Of course, I believe we are all born with certain characteristics but the nurturing we receive, in whatever way, makes and defines who we are..

The Drama Queen,
The singer in the garden,
On the makeshift stage,
Letting out my rage,
Turning life's page.
Laughing and smiling,
Sparkly eyes crying.
Extrovertly shy.
Wore my heart on my sleeve -
Always believed.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Profound Dreams

Dreams? Once again, last night I had a very profound and strong dream - I realise this is because I have been bothered about something that A told me, that really affected me emotionally. I dreamnt about this issue and felt small, unworthy and meaningless..
This is not good and indeed, has made me think about many things. Sometimes in life, we have to cut out the things that we realise are starting to hurt us emotionally, even though we may feel a great love for a person, we have to practise self preservation..I have a wide open heart and with time, need a person to open their heart back..
Sad as this sounds, I have to walk a new path, I feel like I'm burning bridges. I'll miss A extremely so because I've such brilliant times with him but I need to be kind to myself and my heart.
Maybe some people too, say things that they know will upset you - personal comments etc, as a way of pushing you away from them?

Monday, July 07, 2008


Connection sometimes -
Never goes,
It gets buried -
In the depths of your soul -
It becomes awoken,
When words -
Once again,
Are spoken..
Quietness broken.
It flows freely,
When minds share -
Thoughts and energies.
Connection is the spark -
That lights the dark,
Of everyday reality -
Shortcutting and healing fragility..

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Oh Yes!

So my teenrage son is in Denmark with his Father, last night he was working with his uncle in their restaurant on Vesterbro - which will be great work experience for my son..The house is quiet and staying SO tidy, which for me is wonderful!

So, I've recovered from my long party on Saturday night! I finally got to bed at 5am in the morning but was good all the same to be around good friends. I'm also starting to think alot about Greece and my forthcoming holiday - I CAN'T WAIT! I'm very excited about the thought of being out there again after such a long time and maybe meeting some new friends from different parts of the world, plenty of swimming, some sightseeing, lots of taverna night dancing and chilling and enjoying sweet times with my youngest son! Lots of walking and bikeriding too! Wonderful stuff.

I'm still off work - another month or so and then we'll see what my blood levels are like..

Keep contemplating another festival at the end of August, can't afford it but I think I should just fuck it and have a good time..then get back f=down to some serious work, head down and concentrating on paying off holiday debt and thinking about a further down the road career change..we'll see!