Monday, May 28, 2007


Mentalness and happiness, are my thoughts today after landing back in the land of 'reality' after a 3 day festival. It was sunny and gorgeous on day one. Day 2, it got NASTY! The rain, the wind, the cold, all decided to work their weathered ways on me. I didn't care. I loved every moment.
The highlight of the weekend for me, was being around some really sweet 'up for it' people from Sheffield; Duncan and Ellen a lovely couple and their mad, mad posse of friends. These people were bonkers, extremely bonkers. Loved the fact that Duncan got dressed up a leopard print trouser suit with burgundy wig - hilarious! Proper hilarious!
The main, truly moving moment was listening to the Tibetan Monks from the Tashi Lhunpo Monastery. They live in exile in Dharamasala because the Chinese Government forbids them to practice their rituals etc, in their monastery in Tibet. I guess we forget about the Tibetan plight and focus on more immediate things such as the Iraq and Iran. I for one though, follow Tibetan movements quite frequently, to find out what is happening is the strange and seemingly enchanting country..
Please see for further info..
Wow, their rituals and performing blew me away. The long horns they use are just awesome to listen to, especially when you're really close to them. The meditations, mudras and prayer rituals were also totally moving and made me feel extremely emotional and thankful that simplistic, meaningful religions/belief systems still have place and importance in our, aswell as other cultures. I really have an urge to return to the Buddhist meditation sessions that I used to attend some while ago. I will do this, I will attend.

So a delightful weekend has been experienced, meeting some lovely sweet people and listening to some reflective, thoughtful tunes, aswell as, some mad, ravey dancing tunes. I'm glad the UK still has such an active festival scene and that the communal, human spirit continues to thrive in many of the festivals around us. Onwards to sleep and rest I go, after losing what I reckon, is a good 15 hours or more of sleep over this weekend..

Please note: I would not ordnarily walk around with such revolting specs on but the aim was to try and get that '70s dodgy teacher look.' These glasses were stolen from bonkers leopard-print trannyman. Do I look like a dodgy 70s teacher though? I ask you....

Friday, May 25, 2007

Cosmic weirdness and LOVE

I visited my beloved last night. I got my anger out with him about issues that have upset me in the past. This was good for me;cathartic but in no way meant as a way to hurt, or make anyone feel guilt. I needed to say these words because the pain I've felt, over time, has to be buried now and allowed to perish away.
I have to forgive, forget and love the person I love, for who he is, for making me laugh last night, for being caring, for being such a beautiful person who I've always connected with,for belonging to such a depth of soul that I feel at one with, on so many levels and for him being HIM.

We looked at Mayan Calendar websites which were pretty fascinating to say the least. I would've liked to read about these more and will do, when I get back from the festival I'm off to today.

On the way back home, the taxi driver was playing and sort of watching, a DVD about UFO theories and wars that 'apparently' go off in space. Hmm, didn't quite know what to make of this but it was odd considering the cosmic Mayan stuff I'd been looking at previously! He then started to talk about Terrorist stuff and the 'rapture' regarding right wing Christianity! Blimey! He then went on about micro - chips in humans in the future and something about Jack Straw. Bearing in mind, all of this I had to listen to, after having a wee smoke of grass! My God, talk about psyched out!!!
Now either this taxi man suffers from some cosmic understanding, or he's completely on the level of being slightly bonkers! I don't know what to think but my conclusion is, he's been watching the Extra terrestrial DVD a bit too much and I think he may possibly need to chill out on the human micro chip front.. Maybe he's right, maybe he's a messenger, maybe he's just insane! Who bloody knows, but one thing's for sure, the heavens had a weird cosmic energy about them last night!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Destiny, bad backs, beauty

Today is my first day back at work after being off with a flu virus and injury to my back after falling down the stairs. The office I work in is claustrophobic and stuffy to say the least so I am not happy about the prospect of spending a day in the hell hole.
Anyway by 12pm, my back was in so much pain, I could hardly move my neck or bend down. I rang my good friend Julie, to see if she could fit me in for a deep back and neck massage, bless her, she could and thus I left work early in to get a fantastic back, shoulder, face and neck massage. What a star!!
I'm so glad for her right now, cos she met a guy a while back, who is such a sweetie. They're spending a lot of time together, doing things they both like doing and enjoying each other. I foresee this to be a long term relationship;both want one, both are 'really into' each other, both are giving of each other, both seem very happy when together.. The good thing for me with this scenario is that I invited Julie out the night she met this guy, quite by accident, quite last minute... This makes me glad that the cosmic forces were in action for both of these people especially cos Julie had been using dating sites and was disillusioned with the whole dating scene!
I've always been a believer of meeting someone in a more natural environment via attraction, etc. Dating sites to me, from what I've heard from others who've used them, seem forced, difficult, prone to problems etc. I guess it's whatever takes your fancy but it certainly ain't the road I ever want to go down..
So, I'm happy julie met a guy in the 'natural attraction' setting. I'm glad she sorted my poorly back out for me, I'm glad she's such a beautiful, caring, sweet friend.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Music by Michael Andrews

Don't know if you guys have heard any of Michael Andrew's music. I'm sure you'd know his sounds, he did some of the composition soundtrack to one of my favourite films, Donnie Darko; These tunes are haunting, transcendental, dreamy, reflective and pure gorgeousness.They hit a part in my brain that only certain music hits.Wow!

He's actually touring the UK soon, which would deffo be worth seeing/hearing. I know he's only here for a few weeks or so and is playing Birmingham and Manchester, so Birmingham would be good for me...Hmm this may well be the musical tonic I need after this nasty cold I'm recovering from..
Check out his Myspace anyway for an idea of some of his other sounds, very different to Donnie Darko stuff but lovely and gorgeous to listen to..

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Thinking of.......

Yesterday I rang a place about counselling, yes counselling, for me and my head and heart. I was shocked at the cost although I knew it'd pretty much be as such;£30 for an hour session, with a min of 6 months weekly visits! That's a hell of a lot of money that I don't have.
This upset me. This means that I won't be going for counselling afterall! I feel an urge to get some closure on certain issues, I feel a need to respect myself a little more and be respected back. I replay words that have been said to me, over the years and become upset and anxious. I can't quite believe over time, the treatment I've allowed myself to be part of. This isn't me, this isn't what I'm about. All I can conclude is that since my Mum's death, life feels like it's taking its toll on me. I guess this is because I was so close to my Mum..
I'm bearing up just about, but I feel quite 'wobbly', it has to be said. I feel like I need peace, love, nurturing, respect, understanding, patience, kindness, amongst other things.
I also, funnily enough, have thought about doing a counselling course's expensive to do, but maybe this should be the direction my life should go...
I guess it's good to be prepared to look at ourselves and face our demons and grow from this..Counselling does require that you do this. Step one though, look after myself first cos if I don't then I won't be 'present' to look after those who need me..

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The things he is....

I wrote this today after I've had quite a firey bit of a dialogue with some cyber buddies, including the man I love. Am I wasting my time? Am I daft? Anyway, after falling down nearly all of my stairs (long story) and hurting my back in the process, I came up with this poem...

I love him more
Than he'll ever know,
Even though
I challenge him-
His heartlessness,
At times.
I know for sure
That deep down inside,
He has a heart
A beauty,
An energy
Never been felt
By the likes of me.
He makes tears flow
He makes suns and heavens shine.
I believe in him.
I feel his pain
A storm full of grey rain.
I feel his sorrow,
feel his angst,
His anger,
Mighty fear
Mighty mood.
I love him like
I've loved no other,
He may not believe this

Sunday, May 13, 2007


Well, just returned from a friend's birthday trip to Edale; walking, laughing, drinking, playing cards and silly kid's games - all made the night and day, a bunch of fun.Today was her actual birthday so I took her a cake up and we all drank champagne with a gorgeous carrot cake!
Anyway, here's someof the piccys I took from the trip.
Had a verrrry weird dream this morn whilst I slept in the hostel room; there was a death and I was walking alongside a coffin, down Lenton Boulevard in Nottingham, and then up towards the Savoy Cinema. I remember feeling really upset and anxious,my youngest son chose a toy to put in the coffin.. but then the dream ended! God knows what that's all about but it shook me up a little!and at the time felt quite meaningful - Ooo blimey!

Hope you enjoy the pics people xx

Friday, May 11, 2007

In celebration of deep souls

I've just watched the last ever series of Six Feet Under - How I cried! However, once again it put into perspective so many things about life and living. An interesting piece of dialogue between Ruth and her ex George really struck a chord with me. She commented to him that he still had walls, amongst walls, amongst walls around his heart; my ex was like this. I could never reach the emotional depth for me, to be able to connect with him on a really deep level;This is highly important and necessary for me. I'd much rather be alone, than living/having a relationship with a person, who isn't able to express deep emotion..otherwise loneliness and sadness eats away at you whilst you're with that person, in my experience anyway.
Ruth, does remain friends with George in the series, but chooses to live with women friends, for the rest of her life.

Anyway, all of this got me a thinking about the deep souls who walk the planet. I know for sure I've always been a 'thinker' and emotional. My Mum used to tell me how sensitive I was. I remember things like blushing loads when I was a child, crying when I got told off by teachers, running away for attention and hiding- to see if I was being followed, feeling quite 'alien' to my brother, father and sister.
I've always to been a fan of 'companianable relationships'. Relationships where you share your inner thoughts and compliment each other - these can be and are, hard to come by..

Anyway less about me, the deep souls I really want to celebrate in this life are Claire, Ruth, Nate, Billy and Aunt Sarah, characters in Six Feet Under. Nick Drake, Thom Yorke, Bob Dylan, Kurt Cobain, Joni Mitchell and many others for their lyrical depth genius.
The practice of Buddhism and Yoga for awakening the mind and heart to a deeper level of consciousness about the universe. Poets of times gone by- Emily Dickinson, William Blake to name a few..
Nicholas Roeg and Wim Wenders for their depth and understanding of human fragility and emotional depth.
The person I love is a deep soul,..he's somewhat pushed this softness about himself to one side a little at the moment I feel, for reasons of self preservation I guess, but I know it'll return..Most of my dear friends are deep souls, who are enlightened in so many ways and very self aware.

And I'm afraid I'm gonna have to add some poisonous substance to this - magic mushrooms! Yes, they do open a gate into a different level of consciousness..and do change your perception about things - not that I take these regularly but my experiences of them have been positive; in fact, helped me come to terms with negative elements that have happened in my life and have indeed given me much needed closure.
So there you have it, praise be - to the deep souls of the world! I'm sure I'll think of so many more but these are the ones who immediately spring to mind!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Thoughts about time

I guess time changes
The hopes you have in store,
Or maybe
The hopes never change.
Things just...
A jigsaw
Muddled up,
Find the pieces
Back together again.
Time is precious
It passes us by.
Get caught in the static?
True enough
Your soul will die.
Of what?
There's nothing to fear
The answer's here
In the present.

Monday, May 07, 2007


Still love
Still feel
Still want

You don't
You won't
You deny

You love
You cherish
You want

The weekend just got better!

That hangover feel is here..but not without being worth it, it has to be said. Had a great night last night at Moog in Nottingham. Great music, friendly vibe and met some sweet people. I remember a guy chatting to me about his job and couldn't believe that he works for my friends hubby as a carpenter/set designer. Got fairly wasted with him and started to discuss all things to do with the universe! I remember feeling quite blown away by the conversation but struggle to remember the intricacies of it! Oh dear...still, good to have such a deep discussion about such things and how minor we all are in the grand scheme of things.
Was excellent to hear a fave DJ of mine from the past - Mr Seavers of Pure Filth days at Blueprint. This guy really knows how to get the masses moving! Certainly did me..and many others. I was complimented on my dancing on a few occasions which was touching and gave me a feeling of happiness inside but reminded those who complimented me, that if you feel music deep inside your body and soul, then you dance as such too, in my opinion..I do love music and dancing so much, it reminds me that I feel alive on the inside and outside!
The night ended around 3.30am, to be almost summoned to an after party but sensibly, I refrained as I wanted my bed..I await a weekend of festival fun in a few weeks time..It's going to be just fab, I know it!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Ahhh Good Old Sunday

I love Sundays, it gives me the headspace and calmness that I so need at times. This weekend has been pretty calm anyway really. Friday night I went to visit my beloved, however I feel he has other things happening in his life, that I'm not fully aware of right now. I know he still sees quite a bit of his ex, I feel that maybe there's something still between them on some level. I guess this is fine and is, indeed his life. Like me, I too have contact with my ex but only really because of my kids and him being my youngest's father.I'm forced to maintain contact with him. I'm not forced or indeed do keep contact, with any other ex's really..I just don't feel the need really. I'd really like to do some other things with the person I'm in love with but I feel he refrains from this with me..I guess he doesn't want to spend this sort of time with me, which is a shame and saddens me really because I feel we'd really enjoy doing different things together quite a lot..maybe he doesn't feel this way about me..oh well, that's life I won't stop me doing the things I so desire to do though.
Anyway, one thing that struck me last week was a weird dream I had, don't know what it was supposed to mean but it was poignant to say the least and I do tend to take note of 'poignant' dreams. I'm sure there's some cosmic stuff going at certain times in my life!
Yesterday I carried on with sanding boards in my bedroom and then watched a film on TV last night. I also listened to my new Nick Drake CD - Pink Moon; beautifully put together lyrics, composition and enchanting guitar playing, to say the least. I'm loving his sounds once again, so much!I especially love 'Behind the sun' and 'Know', pure gorgeousness!
I've been manically trying to sort out a holiday..Naxos is sort of looking more in the picture at the moment - found a decent camping site, not so cheap flights to Athens and ferries to Naxos..this is a dream I've wanted to fulfill since the late 80s and I feel now, may be the time to fulfill it. I would love to backpack agin to different islands but I'll wait until I travel alone to do this..Also been thinking about my 40th birthday and I may well just go away for it. Marrakech or Fez being the place/s I'll visit, I think.
My good freind and I have also just booked to do YHAing next week in Edale for a night but also for my friend's birthday; plenty of walking and boozing after our long weary climbs and walk! We've also booked to do a local festival at the end of the month, which should be fun..
Life feels good at the moment although I've had many, many stresses that have taken their toll in one way or another, I'm conquering them, I think! I feel so much freer in myself. I have such an urge to 'live and enjoy' life whilst I'm able to do so and indeed feel the need to respect the fact that life is something so very precious that we have to make the very most of...

Friday, May 04, 2007

Out of synch

Well for a week or more now, I've had a really odd headache, at the left side of my head! Dunno if it's tension or what, but last night I had a nose bleed and woke up this morning with bloody nostrils - Nice! It has to be said that the last few weeks have been pretty stressful and I've been at boiling point on a few occasions..I had a very bad argument with my Ex about a load of bollocksy crap, which ended up with me getting that angry, I threw about 8 bottles, meant for the recycling bin, onto the ground in my back garden; to hear them smash was great and helped me rid of the anger that I was feeling at this moment! God knows what my neighbours must think when I have these outbursts - they must think I'm a lunatic!

I'm sick of too many people taking liberties with me and I'm so in touch with what the solution is.. and solution/solved, will it be!
Maybe the nose bleeds and headaches are my body's way of telling me to slow down, stop worrying about others' stuff, stop taking shit and start to look after myself a little more...
Anyway, I'm off to see that special person tonight and I feel the air has a magical feel and vibe today, so I envisage this will be a sweet, magical night..

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The travel itch has reappeared

Dear me, since I've been searching the internet for 'not so cheap' flights to Mauritius, to visit my friend, I've got carried away with looking for flights to all sorts of places. On Ryanair I could get to Fez for £40, Dublin for £20, Inverness for £15, Marrakech for £70 and Bratislava for £49! Blimey, these cheap flights make me want to zoom off and travel, I tell ya. Fez looks just amazing, as too does Marrakech, talking of which, the north African style really makes me want to decorate my bedroom with Moroccan influences;oranges, pinks, greens,golds and beautiful drapes and lanterns!
Blimey, I'm really dreaming about all things travel at the mo..I really must get grounded, before I manically book somewhere on a whim! Oh well, travel whims are good for the soul!