Sunday, February 26, 2006

One Year Ago

They say time is a healer
That, I'm not so sure
My heart tells me different
It bleeds deeper, more and more.

An ache I can't describe
An ache I can't hide.
Tears don't hide my pain
Emptiness I can't contain.

I long for you in my life
I wait, I know it's strife.
Time goes backwards, I wish
To a place I love and still miss.

Crass, your lyrics still embrace me.

"Heard Too Much About"
Heard too much about.
Heard too much about.
Heard too much about.
Heard too much about.
I've heard too much about the people in the ghetto,
Heard too much about the working class motto.
People in the ghetto.
How you don't know life if you ain't seen the street,
Racialist poor against the racialist elite.
Heard too much about.A million people in factory and office,
Aware there's something missing, but living with their losses.
Working class motto.
There's no fight to get where they'd rather be,
Only the accepting of dependency.
Wait in the shop, for what you ain't got,
Lying on the beaches for the social elite.
Working 9 to 4, revolved around more,
Fear, guilt, abuse, love and moral truth.
War in your bedroom, bodies in your fridge,
Domestic violence, the tomb you dig.
Heard too much about.
Rules for survival, rules that they wrote,
Thinking it's your freedom when it's rammed down your throat.
On the boundary, choose your family,
Choose what school, no choice at all.
Choose what church, it allow you to hurt,
Choosing your power, is choosing your hour

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Love, money and peace.

Hi all of you out there and good afternoon. I was going to say 'good morning' but then realised that my mind has been tricked into thinking it's still the morning. Well it bloody isn't. No, it's 15:23pm!! I woke up at an extremely ridiculous time today, dear reader, 11:00am. Too bloody late!! I vaguely remember that I woke briefly at 8.30 but somehow managed to fall back to sleep. The next thing I know, 11.00am. 'Shit!' I thought to myself, I was going to accommplish so much today. Forget that. I've done nothing apart from reading the newspaper which brings me to my reason for writing.
I was fascinated by the true story of a young man who gave up his inheritance. To cut a long story short, he had plenty on a material level but desired more on an emotional level. His find true love. Sadly, when he found love, the person he loved couldn't reciprocate for whatever reason. As a reaction to this, he found peace. A different sort of peace that we equate with life. A peace that consisted of indifference. He gave away everything he owned and went to live in North Africa. He now lives on a meagre existence and earns small amounts of money from the books he writes.

I was touched by the story in many ways because as he put it, 'the one thing he so desired, he could not have'. Life therefore, for him, felt meaningless in some respects. Indeed, it's all very well having material goods but essentially life's not about 'material goods'. No, life's about feeding the soul and the heart and when these aren't fed, something in the human spirit dies.
I wonder how many people, in reality, feel this way in our increasingly individualistic society we now live in? How many people, rather than choosing a different way, are actually isolated through no fault of their own? Isolated because we live less and less on a collective level.
One thing's for sure for me, I have a dream about travelling when my youngest son grows older. I have a dream about living in a more sharing, collective environment. Indeed I dream in some ways now about packing up and heading off to some far off land. Although, in reality I've always had this dream and have, in part, achieved this in some respects.
There is dear reader, something truly fascinating about giving up everything and just walking. Walking to an unknown destination, to an unknown life.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Some things are just meant to be!

Well it's good, old Friday. The end of the week and the beginning of the weekend for me!I didn't manage to get away in the end dear reader as I've been ill!! Ill with flu!! At first I was pissed off about this but then I took hold of myself and stopped being so bloody defeatist!
Indeed, instead of moaning to myself and getting depressed, I booked three days away in April instead, dear reader. Three whole days in a lovely cottage with an open fire in the Peak District!! Three whole days to chill, walk, breath in fresh air and get drunk on the scenery around me. Three days to climb up BIG hills and listen to the sounds of nature around me. God I can't wait!!
So dear reader, all this leads me to think that some things in life just really aren't meant to happen, for whatever reason. They're just a 'NO GO' that you just have to let be.....

Sunday, February 19, 2006

A Quiet, Sacrificial Weekend!

Well, bloody first 'quiet' weekend for ages! Yesterday consisted of a trip to the cinema with my son and his cousin. Last night consisted of almost being tempted to go to the 'Highness' night, at the Fleece in Nottingham. But no, Dear Reader I was good. I declined the offer. I sacrificed a night of going out, for a night of staying in. I kept warm in my bed and watched The Wicker Man - The director's cut. I drank brandy coffees in an attempt to ward off my flu!
I love The Wicker Man; the symbolism within it is wonderful, the way it questions mainstream Christianity is interesting and the women in it are amazingly beautiful! I do hope though Dear Reader, that you realise that the naked Britt Eckland (Willow) scene, where her back is turned and she's pounding the wall, is actually a body double. A body double! (Rumour has it that Britt didn't want to show the bottom half!!) I also love Edward Woodward in this film, he's so good at acting the Puritan and denouncing all things Pagan! And Christopher Lee dressed up as a woman? Hmmm no comment there!
So all in all reader, I had a relaxing time of it but indeed dear reader, I enjoyed all things sacrificial..

Thursday, February 16, 2006


Well I feel shit today. Postively shit. Sat on my setee last night, lit my candles. Looked at my Buddha and preyed that I'd be better for tonight. I do think candles have something special about them. The colour and warmth they radiate is second to none!!
I'm off nowhere special, just out with some lovely mates for a hot and spicy curry and a cheese and chilli nan!! I'm hoping for a massage tomorrow as a friend of mine is a masseur and she's kindly offered a free massage. So Buddha, please let me get better for tonight and tomorrow. I ain't had a massage in ages and it could be just what the Doctor ordered!! Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day Lump In My Throat..

It's Valentine's Day. A day that I don't usually think much about, dear reader. This year it feels somehow different. I don't know why but I've had a constant lump in my throat since I read a thread on my favourite forum, dear reader.
A thread dedicated to me. A thread dedicated to my loveliness. How sweet is that? How thoughtful is that? How dedicated is that? How caring is that? I'm touched dear reader. Extremely touched. Such a lovely thing for a person to do. This special person has actually taken the time out to think of me today. Why then dear reader am I feeling sadness? Sad about so many things; Words can't comprehend.
They say that the Throat Chakra is the area of communication. To feel pain in the throat on a holistic level, means there is a blockage. A communication blockage. This makes sense in many ways. Pain comes for different reasons.
Valentine's day in Nottingham. A strange vibe. An angry, tense atmosphere. I observed different people on their daily missions. I observed a few women with single red roses. Who were their loves? What were their lives? Were they happy? Was their life simple?
I observed a few couples in conflict with one another. Angry at each other. Angry at the world around them.
Bus journey and I'm thinking. I thought to myself, whilst peering through murky, unclean glass, how strange we are as people. How positively destructive we are to each other and yet in contrast, how inwardly beautiful we can be. How very beautiful we can be.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Strange man, on a dark night, in a long coat with punky hair.

Well dear reader, I haven't posted for some time. Indeed I'm starting to get a little bored of cyberspace at the moment and have even considered becoming 'null and void' in the unrealistic world of the internet. However, I'm inspired to write again tonight about my funny experiences at Jongleurs last week and afterwards.
Jongleurs was full of hen parties, loud lads and not many people that caught my eye. I'm not talking about men here neither! Just people per-se!
I took a stash of handbag vodka dear reader as I'm skint!! I necked that back in no less than 2 hours and started to feel lary, dear reader. Lary at the comedians, lary at the people in there, lary at people who have, in one way or another, fucking pissed me off and taken liberties, lary at my mate for going there for her birthday. Plain fucking selfishly lary!! Lary about the fact that my Mum passed away so young and left me. Fucking lary!!
Lariness aside...My mate managed to puke up under the table due to the bottle of red she had quaffed in an hour. My mate managed to block out the last and indeed best, of the comedians. The last comedian was GOOD!!Very good!! I heckled him in my lary state dear reader, but he was sweet and didn't throw shit at me. For that, dear reader I respect him.
The night was rounded off by the corny disco. Although I will say one thing, the DJ did have a good collection of old 80s and 90s favourites of mine. I danced to Ice T, Run DMC, Beastie Boys, Chic and some random Abba. By 1.30am dear reader, I was depressed and needed to escape this torture. I was pretty incoherent by this point and angry at the world around me.
Time to go. Go, was what I did dear reader. I left my friends and headed to the nearest food place for comfort.
Now this is where the fun began. I wondered up Maid Marion Way to notice a tall and punky looking man, head towards me. This man had a haircut like Keith from 'The Prodigy'. The fact that his hair was like this, drew my attention. The fact that his hair was multicoloured, also drew my attention. I stared at him as he walked slowly passed me. He stared back and smiled. It was almost like we were both angry about something that night but understood each other's mood without even talking!!
I reciprocated his friendly smile. He was gracious to continue to tell me that 'I was lovely and nice'. Confirmed dear reader, that I am nice! Funny words coming from the mouth of a punky looking man. I paused, dear reader and thought about these words. My lariness evaporated and my mood lifted.
By this time, I'd contemplated inviting this friendly stranger to a late bar for interesting conversation and maybe a drink or two. I declined to act on my thoughts.
I thought then, about the concept of time dear reader, experiences dear reader, random meetings with potential new friends or not. For all I know, that person may have held special significance in my life for some reason but I declined finding out about that significance.
Instead, I wondered off and comforted myself with a pitta bread and salad.
Sitting on the night bus, I thought about the random meeting of this person. Who was he? He'd made me smile in a moment of sadness and lariness. I thank him for this. So Mr Prodigy - I'll see you again - same time, same made my night and reminded me of all things nice.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Boadicea Revisited!!

Well, just received some photos of the fancy dress party! And here's one of Bodicea!! The man in the piccy was into warrior women and all things warlike!! I managed to fight his advancement from the south. And managed to conquer and destroy his wishes of advancement with a warrior woman!!
This brings back happy, binge drinking memories!! Posted by Picasa