Friday, April 28, 2006

Cut him some slack?

Well I've had a really busy but contemplative week this week. My head's been in a weird place for quite some time to be honest, however after a night out with friends last night and alot of crying, heartache and pondering, the dark, stormy clouds seemed to have lifted somewhat today. Indeed I feel ready to face the world again with an air of positivity, a smile and generally feeling like I'm in a better place emotionally.
My son's been pissing me off big style though this week. He thinks he has a hard time of it and I'm too strict. Too bloody right I am when he's turning up an hour and 20 minutes late;9.30pm is the time I want him home. He arrived home at 10.40pm tonight and I ain't cutting him no slack.
No he's now grounded for a week, until he realises the point I am trying to make regarding trust, worry and respect. I've explained this to him before but my worries have obviously not been noted so time to GET HARSH!!
I look forward to the screaming ball of rage, that will be my wake up call in the morning!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Words of wisdom?

Days like today are weird. I've been thinking about all the mistakes (if that's what they are called) I've made in life, as indeed, we all randomly do.Not in a depressive way though, I must say. With regards to mine, it seems some of the mistakes I've made, are with the men I've chose to, at one point or another, settle down with.

Now thinking about this on a rational level, I tell myself that 'it's all a learning experience' 'people often grow apart' etc, etc. It's funny though how you meet people and end up in long term relationships to come out of them years down the line thinking to yourself...

"My God I've spent so much time of my life with you and for what? OK in my case two lovely young sons!"

Indeed so much time with a person, that you were once so close to. How is it people drift apart so much? Is it the everyday stresses that we endure as humans? Is it the plain old fact that some people are just NOT compatible? Are we more misguided when we're younger about the right choices for us?
And please, don't get me wrong, all the men I've had long term relationships with have been lovely, kind, caring people in their own way, who have loved me in the best way they know possible.

I recall my mother saying to me when I was 24 years old and pregnant

"Are you sure this is what you want? What about all of your plans to see the world and enjoy so many other things" She uttered.

"Of course, I'll be fine, it won't change my life that much and I'll travel when I'm older" Said I.

My rational, strong, free-spirited head was thinking that I'd be fine, I'd cope and life would be fine. Looking back on this time, I wasn't wholly 'in love' with my son's father. I liked who he was in many ways but there was just something quite 'not there' for me. Deep down in my heart, I knew I wouldn't be with this man for the rest of my life. This may well sound strange to all of you who read this but it's true and I felt it.

The second time I got pregnant, years later, was a more happy, settled union, albeit with differing problems, which with time, increased and increased it seemed to the point of no return.

So I look back now at my life and think about whether my Mum's words were wise. I think my Mum sensed that I haven't always been wholly 'content'. I think in many ways, she felt I deserved a better deal. So why didn't I think that?
I wouldn't change anything in my life though, because it has made me who I am today (rational head stepping in again) and has made me an even more understanding person regarding the 'human condition'.
I suppose in many ways though, we go on in life falling into some of the most unlikely unions and just become settled; we assume that's 'good enough' and 'just put up with what you've got'.
But is it really right to think this? Age tells me not and maybe with hindsight,I should've listened to my wise Mum a little harder.I wish she was still here,so I could talk to her on a deeper level about this again.
I divert my thoughs to my childhood years, my air of independence, being a middle child. My fear of people getting too close and me backing off.I don't know why I felt this but I did. My running away from home, when I was 5 and 7 years old, hiding to see if my Mum followed me; me craving attention I sense.
All of these things make me think that on some level, I have to look at myself and the part I've played in making mistakes, where my long term relationships are concerned.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Spaced, let me introduce you to the world of..

Listened to an old CD last night - In fact the Spaced series soundtrack CD. I've truly forgot how good this CD is and indeed this old series. A brief description courtesy of the BBC! Happy reading and watchimg!!

London, present day. Tim is an aspiring fantasy-comic graphic artist who has just split up with Sarah, the love of his life. She has rejected Tim in favour of his arch-rival, the smooth Duane. Daisy is an aspiring writer-journalist desperate to leave the squat where she lives; she is also in the final throes of a long-distance relationship with the drippy Richard, who hails from Hull.

Tim and Daisy meet in a café, both poring over accommodation advertisements, and after a few such encounters a friendship develops. When they spot an advert for the perfect flat (23 Meteor Street, Tufnell Park, north London) they decide to overcome the stated snag - the place is offered only to a professional couple - by posing as such, and they successfully take possession, renting the flat from daunting landlady Marsha Klein. She is a scary woman, possessing a penetrating stare and a huge capacity for cigarettes and alcohol.

Renting elsewhere in the house is Brian, an intense artist who seems initially mysterious - even sinister - but is actually pathologically shy, and Marsha's daughter Amber, never seen apart from the occasional leg or departing back. Also on the scene is Mike, Tim's best friend, a weapon-obsessed, former Territorial Army soldier thrown out for stealing a tank; and Twist, Daisy's dipsy best friend, with whom she has nothing in common. Peripheral characters in the story include Bilbo, the owner of the comic shop Fantasy Bazaar, where Tim works, and Tyres, a dance-music-obsessed pushbike messenger.

As the first series progressed so the sexual tension between Tim and Daisy developed, though - with both still smarting from their previous relationships - they remained wary of becoming too involved. Twist unexpectedly started seeing Brian, Mike - to his delight - was accepted back into the TA, and Daisy and Tim took in a dog (Colin), an obvious child substitute. In the second series, Daisy returned from a trip to India to find that Mike had moved into her old room; Tim was in shock (owing to the awfulness of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace) and Brian's artistry was suffering because he had found happiness with Twist. Things soon reverted to normal, though, and when Amber moved out and Mike took over her room he became a permanent housemate. Tim realised his ambition to work for Dark Star comics and entered into a new relationship, much to the chagrin of Daisy who was obviously in love with him.

I urge anyone, if you've never seen Spaced, go out there and buy it. It still makes me laugh as much as it did all them years ago!!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

In praise of ee cummings

What a grand spring day it is today. I've been wondering around my hometown, took my son to a cafe for a hot chocolate with cream (has to have cream on top). Treated myself to some flowers and then got sidetracked by the poetry of ee cummings inside my head!! I love his poetry - in many ways it's truly liberating and easy to relate to, well for me it is anyway!!
Here's one of his poems that's been invading my thoughts today!

i like my body when it is with your
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new


Just been reading a truly sad story in the paper today about a young woman who suffered from Bi Polar, throughout her teenage and young adult years. In the end, her depression got the better of her. This made me think about my own experiences of mental health issues and struck a chord in some respects.,,1757728,00.html

1. I've experienced people's severe depression/mania/schizophrenia on a personal level through a very close friend who was hospitalised under the mental health act for at least 6-9 months. He was extremely hard work before he was diagnosed. He was never dangerous to me or his friends but became abusive to his close family and himself. Thankfully, he's stable now and not as at risk, as he was say 5 years ago.
One of my best friends from junior school became severly ill when she was in her teenage years. Her diagnosis back then was 'Schizophrenia'as she was constantly experiencing auditory hallucinations. I don't see her anymore as she moved away but I often think about her.
2. Many of the students I teach encounter mental health problems ranging from depression, Bi Polar, Schizophrenia, Personality Disorders etc.
3. My Mum used to have bouts of 'light' depression and when the going got tough, she'd leave home and for a few days to get some space. Her grandmother also killed herself by drowning herself. I don't think my Mum was ever suicidal, at least she never discussed this with me but who knows what dark depths she may have struggled with.

Interestingly, as a society, there is still a stigma attached to mental health sufferers. Many of the 'general public' have a lack of understanding about mental health issues.I honestly believe as a society we should do more to educate people about mental health issues which will equip us all with a better awareness.I also think that as a society, we live more isolated lives which in many ways can be truly lonely for those living alone and contribute to mental health difficulties.

For further info about mental health awareness see MIND link.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Yet again.........

Well had a great, if not too drunken, night of it last night. I've been dreaming about this place all day long in my hungover, vegetative and dehydrated state.
This beautiful place is the area around the Ladybower Dam in Bamford, Derbyshire. My son calls it 'America'. He says it reminds him of some parts in America! Not that he's been to America mind, but obviously seen too much American TV!!
Did a lovely walk around part of this dam and really appreciated the view. It's funny to think that at one time there was a village there that was flooded to make way for the dam!
Supposed to be off to an Engagement party tonight but think I'm gonna give it a miss cos I'm still feeling shite :( Naughty me!!

Anyway back to feeling like a vegetable!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Realisation that I need to ditch my PC!

Well what a wet and miserable day it's been today. This morning, being as though I'm off work at the mo, I went for an eye test. I haven't had my eyes tested in years but recently I've been getting the most terrible headaches on the right side of my temple. This pushed me into going and having the eye test!!
Luckily my eye sight is apparently 'perfect'!! Perfect, I bloody tell you at 38 spring chickeness! So, that got me thinking that I'm spending too much time trapped in the land of cyberworld.
Indeed I use a PC at work for everything and then I come home at night, get bored and end up on the PC at home for far too long. I therefore sense that the PC is the main cause of my headaches! Shame on me, for being such a PC addict!!So how do I control this addiction before it gets even further out of hand? Suggestions happily recieved. I suppose one could be, to 'Get a fuckin LIFE' :(
Thursday tomorrow and all things curry again :(. More ghee to clog up my arteries, more alcohol to get me pissed, more loud, mad women company to piss off the waitors in the restaurant! I wonder what they think of us all ranting and cackling away like some witches' coven. Hmm I'll fill you in on our escapades later!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Alternative Easter

OSTARA is usually celebrated on the Vernal or Spring Equinox right around March 21 (although because of its origins, may instead be celebrated on the fixed date of March 25). Other names by which this Sabbat may be known are Oestara, Eostre's Day, Rite of Eostre, Alban Eilir, Festival of the Trees, and Lady Day. The Christian holiday of Easter is very near this same time, (notice the similarity in name?), and is determined as the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after the Vernal Equinox.
The name comes from that of the Teutonic lunar Goddess, Eostre. Her chief symbols were the bunny (for fertility and because the Ancient Ones who worshipped her often saw the image of a rabbit in the full moon), and the egg (representing the cosmic egg of creation). This is where the customs of "Easter Eggs" and the "Easter Bunny" originated.
Ostara is a time to celebrate the arrival of Spring, the renewal and rebirth of Nature herself, and the coming lushness of Summer. It is at this time when light and darkness are in balance, yet the light is growing stronger by the day. The forces of masculine and feminine energy, yin and yang, are also in balance at this time.
At this time we think of renewing ourselves. We renew our thoughts, our dreams, and our aspirations. We think of renewing our relationships. This is an excellent time of year to begin anything new or to completely revitalize something.
The Spring Equinox is a time of new beginnings, of action, of planting seeds for future grains, and of tending gardens. Spring is a time of the Earth's renewal, a rousing of nature after the cold sleep of winter. As such, it is an ideal time to clean your home to welcome the new season. "Spring cleaning" is much more than simply physical work. It may be seen as a concentrated effort to rid your home of the problems and negativity of the past months, and to prepare for the coming spring and summer.

Have an 'eggsellent' Day!! ;)

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Getting High

Well, just got back from my 4 day ramble in the High Peaks and loved it, I did. Did a 4 hour walk to the beginning area of Kinder scout and then walked the ridge across to Upper Booth area of Edale. At this point, the hill was so steep I slid down it on my ass!! What fun that was and sooooo much quicker! I was at the bottom of the hill in less than 10 minutes!!Wicked! Why ever no-one has thought about making this behaviour into a sport, I'll never know! So there you go, the new invented sport by ranting Sara is called 'Butt Hill Sliding'.
After these long walks, the pub waited nicely to be drank dry, by the likes of me! I love this part of the world and wish I could live there but it's so 'damned' expensive :(
I had time to think about and miss a friend alot too but that's all character building stuff I suppose and I hope we'll become good friends again in the future - time will tell.
Edale? I'll be visiting you again soon I reckon. Twice, three times a year does it nicely for me.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The TRUE sense of the word RAMBLING.

I'm going rambling
up into the hills.
Who needs love?
When I get off
By the sight of the hills.

Hills they do entice.
Green is my desire.
Water is my cleanser.
Trees set my heart on fire.

Wander around in my soul
Fill up this empty hole.
Breathe in new life
Banish daily strife.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Offenders and poetry

What a joyful feeling I had this week after holding a poetry workshop in one of the probation hostels I teach in. Japanese Haiku was discussed and students were encouraged to write a Haiku. (5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables in this case)
Student X wrote a fantastic, symbolic Haiku about life in a hostel and light at the end of a tunnel. It was wonderful.
It worked out that Student X loves poetry and could confidently reel off Wordsworth, Keats and Byron. This student experiences severe schizophrenia on a daily basis;He sings and hums tunes to drown out the voices whilst I teach and whilst he writes.
I noticed throughout the session how 'alive' people became whilst writing poems and talking about poetry, it was almost like a light had been switched on.
I came away from that day feeling wonderful and motivated. I felt these things because the students I taught this day, switched on, became alive, were human amongst the chaos of their life in a hostel.
I felt humbled in the sense that, I had brought some happiness in their lives, for a small moment.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Count Down to Relaxation

Not long now until my break in a lovely old,stone cottage in beautiful Edale. I can't wait to get the fire burning, go walking, breathe in fresh country air and drown myself in wonderful nature. About a week to go folks and I'm getting well excited. Looking forward to hitting the country pubs too and generally taking a slow pace of life, for 4 days.
I really want to check out some of the areas further afield in Edale that I've never discovered before. So, not only is my journey serving a restful purpose, it's also serving a need to find pastures new and undiscovered.
Whilst I'm up in that neck of the woods I'd like to enquire about housing accommodation. I'm feeling that now may well be the time to move on seriously in life. I'd like to check out costs, employment prospects etc,etc, with a view to relocating.

Sheffield and Edale I'm counting down!!

Age and Dancing

Woke up unusually early today after a fab night dancing last night. Had a bit of a smirk to myself after reading an article about the benefits of dancing. Indeed, I love dancing because it takes me to a place that is outside of my head. I get totally tuned into, the beat, rhythm and soul of music, so much so that I sometimes feel like I'm on another planet!!
Research in the U.S around anti-aging and dancing suggests the following;
Save Your Brain. Dance!
The Einstein Aging Study, summarized in June 19, 2003 New England Journal of Medicine, found that dancing helps prevent dementia.

Dementia in the study refers to both Alzheimer's disease and vascular dementia. Vascular dementia
is the 2nd most common form of dementia after Alzheimer's.
The study included participants in six brain-stimulating hobbies - reading, writing for pleasure, doing puzzles, board games or playing cards, group discussions and playing music.

The study also included participants in 11 physical activities including team sports, swimming, bicycling and dance.

Dance was the only physical activity that benefited the brain. This was attributed to the cerebral rather than the physical aspect of dance.

Researchers found that the relationship between the mind-stimulating effects of dancing, as well as in the above six types of hobbies, and the lowered risk of dementia remained strong even after they allowed for
variables such as age, sex and education.

Frequency of activity also was important! 63% lower than that among subjects in the lowest third. We
believe this emphasizes the importance of engaging in a regular program of dancing.

The need to learn and remember numerous dance movements produces a constant and very beneficial challenge to the brain.

The social aspects of dancing, the relaxation it produces and the joy of dancing also is involved. The sense of accomplishment and confidence acquired by successfully completing a dance with a partner are beneficial, as well.

Fitness, both mental and physical, often begins with one's state of mind.

Mental acuity comes from mental exercise and if you're dancing, you're not sitting at home watching TV or felling sorry for yourself. This applies to everyone of all ages. Among mind-stimulating activities, dancing is unique in that it also provides beneficial physical exercise.

Many people have gotten the message. That's why we see increasing numbers of people of all ages having the time of their lives on dance floors all over the county. They are receiving a double payoff, mental and physical.

Keep Your Brain Alive!
Go Dancing!

The study, by scientists at the Rush Alzheimer's Disease Center and Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center in Chicago, Illinois, USA, appeared in the February 13, 2002 edition of the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Too bloody right I say! That's made me feel great about all my hardened years of clubbing and mental dancing!Reaffirming my belief that, after all my mental dancing and partying, I'll end up with a fully functioning brain and possibly still attend the odd dance now and then when I'm in my 9os!

Dance and party on folks!!