Thursday, November 30, 2006

Intense Dreaming

Blimey, talk about the power of dreams. I've been dreaming so much this last week! They've been great and somewhat distrurbing at the same time and sooooooooooo visual!
I remember 2 dreams from last night. Dream 1, I was going to be forced to have my hair shaved off but I was getting really worried about it because I love my hair so much. I was panicking in my dream about waiting for my turn. I was trying to find ways off getting out of having my head shaved! God only knows what the hell this dream represents.

Dream 2 was amazing. I'd gone to India to work as an English teacher. When I arrived there, I was invited to the previous teacher's leaving party, which happened to be a good friend of mine in real life, called Liza. We got drunk on red wine and then decided to go for a tour of the town im her open top car. I kept telling her to turn the head lights on, as it was really dark but she declined to, saying that it was safer to leave them off! I was sorta gripping my seat worried about whether we'd arrive to our destination safely!
We arrived at the River Ganges, which in the dream was beautiful. She took me to a place that was like a sort of 'Bohemian area'. It was really cool, with a great vibe happening.The next thing I know, we're walking down some really narrow streets, with beautifully painted and mosaic tiled, buildings. The streets were full of motorbikes and bicyles all lined up, so much so, that we couldn't get passed them to reach our next destination. I wish I could draw these gorgeous buildings from my dream because they were so bright, beautiful and colourful!
The next thing I know, I'm back at the River Ganges and admiring the river. The end!

Phew, my mind is one overactive little machine at night time. I love it!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Reflection for the day

The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Spring Revisited

Rewinding her thoughts, she remembered the first time she met the psyche's squatter. That first, fateful meeting was on a cold, end of February evening; Dancing, drinking, loving life, journeying through the realms of music and beats, she hadn't felt so good in a long time.INTERRUPTION.
A voice from nowhere. Surprise.
She turned to see a rather shy but smiling face, comment on her dancing. "A good dancer".
She took these words as truthful and as a kind and thoughtful , observational compliment. Why would anyone want to lie about such a subject as dancing?
The offer of a drink was accepted. She drank Vodka; he drank Red Stripe.
Dancing? Her mind wondered off to think about her dancing. A.N Other had always laughed at her dancing. Laughed? He thought she was a 'funny' dancer. How could two people think so differently about the same person? What a undesirable way to describe the way a lover moves their body to music..had she always been so undesireable to A.N Other? She feared that maybe she had, in many respects, hence her desire and yearning for attention and love.
She rewinded her thoughts to the continual, lonely nights she had spent whilst living with A.N Other. No woman alive deserved to feel that sort of rejection and loneliness. No-one. 5 years she reckoned of feeling empty and lonely. 5 years! What a waste of precious time.

She thought about the mystery of chemistry and attraction. Chemistry was certainly a mystery and mainly, she felt, was confined to love. Chemistry had never been 100% with A.N Other. A.N Other was thoughtful and caring but lacked an emotional depth, that she hoped would surface with time. Sadly, this never happened.

The psyche's squatter? Who was this person? She was so taken aback by the beauty in the psyche squatter's face; Shapely, full, yet beautifully sculptured lips. Lips that were artistically perfected. Lips she felt, would be so sensual and yet cushion soft to kiss. Eyes that showed depth. Depth that seemed to be confined to a mysterious yet stormy, troubled ocean. She couldn't, at that moment in time, focus on the colour of the psyche squatter's eyes, their depth seemed to hide their 'true colour'. In later time, she discovered the blueness of these depth pools. A nose that was soft and small. Unlike her own nose, the psyche squatter's nose was also perfectly formed. Forehead? The psyches squatter had already bore frown lines, although he was still fairly young.
Lines on foreheads? She loved lines of foreheads. To her, it meant 'depth' and 'thought'. Lines of worry, angst, thought, philosophising. Lines were considered extremely sexy and attractive to her. The psyche's squatter, she started to realise in a short time of observing his face, was to her, extremely handsome and someone she instantly felt a 'physical' attraction to.
Wondering out into the fresh air, she first kissed the psyche's squatter, under a metal stairway. The first kiss of those soft cushiony lips made her feel overcome with passion and warmth. The second kiss, on a stairway, in darkness, reawoke her senses in a way that hadn't been awoken for years. The reciprocal yearning seemed to be magnetic, electric, heavenly charged. She felt like a volt of energy had energised her soul and relit her ashen fire, back to life. She was alive again....the journey had begun..

Monday, November 27, 2006

Thought for the week - an old Celtic Proverb

Three candles dispel the darkness; truth, knowledge and the ways of nature.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


An impossibilty for me
Not to touch your beautiful body.
A feeling so truly divine
To feel your legs, wrapped around mine.
A spark so intense
To savour your lips on mine.
A heat so passionate and true
Burns, when my heart lies close to you.
An impossibilty to deny
A love that sends me so high.


Had a chilled weekend. haven't done a great deal but spent a fair bit of time at the cemetery yesterday, mourning my Mother and the year that's passed since her death. I cycled to the cemetery, which was a little testing as my bike is getting a bit worn out. The journey felt tiring but it also enabled me to shed tears as I was cycling. This strenuous activity mixed in with my grief, seemed to compliment each other. I also imagined times gone by, when people had life so much harder physically, than we have today. They must've shed tears about so many things.

Once at the cemetery, it was actually really relaxing to sit there, all alone, with no distractions and no speech but silence. I felt like I could've been in the middle of the countryside, it was just so peaceful. The trees' branches, mainly evergreens, Yews, blew softly in the wind and the sky was beautifully clear, with a hint of sunshine peering. I knelt at my Mum's graveside and shared my thoughts with her. I also shared my hopes and wishes.
The visit to her grave and my grieving did me the world of good and reminded me about how much we should enjoy life but that we should appreciate those who we love dearly.

I can honestly say, that I've never loved anyone quite so much as my beloved friend. Even a friend today commented to me, that the love I have for this person, is a lot stronger than any of my ex partners. I agreed.

I am also glad that I have this love, it doesn't threaten me, it feels simple in many ways but complex in others. I know that even if we never end up together, as is looking to be the case, he's showed something to me that has been so important. He's shown me a deep, emotional passion and sharing of minds that I've never experienced in my life. This is difficult to explain but it's to do with how people connect with each other on an intimate, emotional, spiritual and physical level. I know I was meant to meet him for whatever reason but one thing's for sure, I'm so glad that he came to me when he did, even though there's been sorrow and pain at times, I sort of understand why this has been the case. I've learned quite a lot about him too as a man and a person in his own right, which has been extremely good for me. So, all in all, I thank whoever it may be out there, for enabling the tracing of paths to those really special people, with whom we find the most beautifullest of connections with.

Have a peaceful Sunday out there.

Saturday, November 25, 2006


I've recently started dreaming loads again. The weirdest is when you dream about someone whilst, you're in their presence. I stayed with the person who I'm in love with the other night and I woke up on quite a few occasions to realise that I'd been dreaming about him! There he lay right next to me in 'sleeptime' unaware of my dreaming about him.
One of the dreams involved myself, him and his ex, who I've never met. The other was a replay almost, of the night I shared with him! Bizzarre.

I love dreaming, I love the way the mind is able to play 'film like' images in your head, whilst you sleep. The power of the mind is just amazing! Hopefully, more nice dreams to come for me....

A year ago this weekend

I can't believe that a year has nearly passed since the passing of my Mother; it's still all so clear in my head. The whole weekend is as clear as crystal for me and especially the morning of my Mum's death.

All I remember feeling, when I saw my Mum lying in her bed at peace, was complete disbelief, I kept saying her name, waiting for a response from her, until my sister gently came over to me and hugged me. I knew then that my Mum had passed.
It was all so surreal in many ways and 'out of reality'. My final resting memory of her, is a peaceful and happy one;I couldn't believe how much she resembled herself as a child. I'd seen photos of her when she was small and her face almost replicated the one in the childhood photos. She was at peace and at complete rest.

I really think death is a time that we should have more involvelment with because it really is a 'part of the process' of life. Therefore, to take death and dying from the home and into 'hospital' surroundings, makes death more controlled and clinical. I think other cultures have got it right with regards to death. The Mexicans celebrate it, ancient cultures saw it as moving on to 'other worlds'.

I'm thankful that my Mum passed away at home, in the comfort of her bed. I'm thankful that my Mum was such a good mother to me and taught me the values that I have today. My mum always saw the 'good' in people. She always felt people should be treated fairly.

I miss the times, as a teenager, that I used to sit up late at night, talking about all different things with my Mum. I know my Mum was always a little fearful that I was 'too sensitive' at times. But at the end of the day, this was my personality and I'm glad to be of a sensitive nature. It also makes me sensitive to those around me to the point whereby I can often 'sense' their pain and unhappiness.

Therefore, I want to thank but remember my Mum this weekend, for giving me life and being the listening ear and loving, understanding person she was.

So today, I'm off to the cemetry later on with a few pots of fresh Heather and some fresh flowers. My Mum loved the plant Heather because it could be so colourful, at this dark time of the year. I also want a plant that will endure the cold, winter months and Heather is perfect for this, it's a beautiful, hardy little plant.I also love the fact that it grows high up on the hills. I love the Heather that grows around the peak area, high up on the Grindsbrook area of Edale. Beautiful, delicate and bright purple.

Janet Patricia 27th November 2005
Your memory and soul lives on in the heart and soul of all who loved you.

Friday, November 24, 2006


I spent last night in the presence, of the person I cherish. Although we are only friends, I have so much love for this person. I love the time I spend with him; I feel happy, magical, contented, warm, playful and all sense of time stands still..time that I cherish so much. I had such a wonderful time with him discussing things, listening to music and trying to work out crosswords, which in the end, made us really laugh.
I'm so glad that our paths crossed when they did and that we are still able to share the most lovely, special times together.

I'll cherish him forever more.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Goodbyes and hope for others

I've been teaching for some time in a probation hostel and within this time, I've been teaching 2 brilliant ex offenders/students/people; Whatever the PC terminology may be.
These students have been such a pleasure to teach, they've been inquisitive, humorous, critical, communicative, thoughtful, understanding, etc etc. Today was their last day with me. I actually felt rather choked up to be saying goodbye to these two men. I'm unaware of their crimes but I know one had been in prison for a long time, which may well mean schedule 1, or violent offences.
Films worked really well with these students and was a great way to introduce 'sensitive' subjects such as mental health, violence, drugs, racism, sexism. The discussions that were born through the watching of films were absolutely excellent and compassionate. So, when people are quick to judge those who commit crimes, deep down, I feel that most people have a sense of compassion and empathy.
These two guys certainly showed a great deal of empathy. One of the students in particular, whilst watchimg a film, was trying hard to hold back the tears. This really touched me and for some reason, always does. To see a man cry, or show emotion in this way, always gets to me and moves me; when I was a child and saw my Mum cry, that used to really get to me too.
I know it sounds odd in some respects because we are all capable of crying, but for some reason when men and parents cry, I want to cry with them.
Anyway, these guys especially loved 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest' and 'Cry Freedom'. These films really did spark up some interesting debates, so much so, that I urged one of them to go and study Sociology. He laughed when I sugggested this but deep down, I feel he was proud that someone had actually believed he could study further and took the college prospectus away with him.

So today for me was a rather sad one, although for them, a bright, new beginning in the wide world. I wish them both the best of luck and I really hope that they will fulfill their wishes, now that they're 'free men'.

Monday, November 20, 2006

I'm so stupid

Today I've been stupid. I've wrote some really nasty words to someone.
I should've stopped myself. I should've ignored them.
I'm ashamed of myself and my behaviour.
The reason I feel like this is because deep down I'm really, really sad. The thing I want and love, I can't have and it's just horrible to feel like this.
I've also been treated pretty diabollically really too, which hasn't helped me and my emotions; when people give you a little hope, the light shines but when they take this hope away, darkness is all encompassing.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Abrupt end to the night

I write this in the darkness of early Sunday morning because I've had diffculty sleeping. I went to the party and had such good fun.However, I had to leave around 11.45pm, which is really early for me because I started to feel really poorly. Not through too much booze or anything but just felt ill. I felt sick, dizzy, breathless and as though my heart was 'racing' and generally, just really needed to get home. I was really sad about having to leave, as the party was really warming up. I was also hoping to go dancing later on too, as there was a free club night of music that I specifically love. However, in my heart, I knew what was best for me and my body. My bed.

I fell asleep for a small while having one of the most 'bizarrest' dreams whereby I decided to shave my hair really short!! Madness! The last time I had a shaved head was in the 80s and that was mainly the back and sides of my head. My Mum would never let me go the 'whole hog' of a shaved head! Anyway, in the dream, the shaved head was great and so easy to maintain! I loved feeling my head to in the dream, because I love the feel of shaved heads!

Anyway, I still feel poorly and need bed so I at least I've done something constructive whilst feeling unwell. My mind has also wandered off though, into the memories of my Mother who passed over nearly a year ago, November 27th 2005. One week today. I can't believe a year has nearly passed of not seeing her.

Goodnight people and sleep tight.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


Had a quiet night last night. Stayed in and listened to Calexic, Banco and my new William Orbit CD - Hello Waveforms. This man is a genius!
I also watched Brokeback Mountain. I thought it was a good expression of how people who love someone from the same sex had and still do, difficulties regarding the sexualty and acceping it. I was also touched by the love the two characters had for each other, but it saddned me that they had to 'pretend' in their daily life, hence me changing my own life situation cos there's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone, who deep down, you know that the love has died.
I feel so free in many ways and this feel of freedon is giving me a real sense of clarity and strength. I'm off out tonight to a party which I know will be good fun.
I also feel that I have a little more clarity about the person I love. If they do ever want to be with me, I know this will happen when they're ready. In the meantime, I plan to start enjoying my life and my times out with friends and let fate, whatever that may be, work its magical ways.

Friday, November 17, 2006


The day started off grey and rainy, to be given away to bright blue skies and brilliant sunshine, then back again to grey rain.
I'm sat in my bedroom after just going shopping for some bits for the weekend. Iwas supposed to be going out for a curry tonight but I've decided to stay in because I have a bit of a cold and want to feel better for tomorrow as a friend is celebrating her birthday in a bar in Nottingham, which I really want to show my appearance at because although she's not a freind I see very often, I have a lot of love for her; she's kind, caring, understanding, fun and a genuine person.
I've decided therefore to stay in and watch a dvd and maybe order a take away.
Anyway, whilst shopping, I stood at the check out to pay for my food, when I heard the cashier repeat the amount to pay. I was totally in a dream world.
My daydreaming had took me back to a feeling I have when I'm intimate with the person I love; lying in his arms, listening to music on his bed and feeling a warmth inside, with a feel of breathlessness when he kissed me. I remember one time in June we laid right at the edge of the bed, in each others arms and listened to some really beautiful music - The Flaming Lips. What an apt name for a band at that moment in time. I remember feeling such love and warmth from him, it made me want to hold him forever and never let go. I was all ancompassed by such a strong feeling.
These memories are pure, beautiful heaven for me. They still make my stomach churn, I become breathless and extremely warm, when just thinking about these.

My oh my, nature and energy really do have a strong force at times.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


Seeing you delight,
As you walk into my space,
Set my heart on fire,
My pulse speedily raced.
Watching your eyes wonder,
Drink- in my abode,
Warmth and inspired feeling,
To me that night, you showed.
Wait for you, so nervous,
Butterflies of love.
Stomach and heart a flutter
Tickling wings above.
Beautiful presence in mine
Heady, my soul did shine
Wishing presence will return
Passion inside me burns.

Music invokes

Today I was going to go and watch a film but then I realised that I'd made a mistake; The film is actually being shown tomorrow and most of next week. I hope I can still go and see it, as childcare issues may get in the way next week.
The film's called 'Candy' and is about a drug addict who falls in love with a woman. The story focusses around their chaotic but passionate times together, that eventually lead down an ever winding path of destruction. I look forward to viewing this.

Instead, I've been listeining to some tracks from the new CD by William Orbit- 'Hello Waveforms'. I'm a big fan of his music because his sounds really do take me on an emotional and enlightening journey. They invoke feelings of contemplation, sadness, energy, dreams and wonder.

Get listening if you'd like some deep feelings to be invoked.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A Journey of Goodbye

Something's missing

The reason I feel so sad I think, is because I miss the person I love. I know he chooses not to share times with me and I'm finding it hard to be friends on a 'platonic' level because when I see him, all I want to do is hold him and be affectionate with him...
I like holding him and I love being affectionate and playful with him. I think this is why I'm feeling sad. I know he doesn't want me to feel bad or sad but I just can't help feeling like this. It's difficult too when you feel like you've met someone that you have an 'emotional connection' to. Sometimes I think to myself..Am I deluded? Other times, after and when I'm in his company, I know I'm not because the air and presence feels really quite 'magical'. Maybe I'm far too much of a dreamer and drift off a bit too much. However, when someone's on your mind and in your heart so much, that tells me something important.
Anyway, I know I need to get a grip and I'm really trying to as best as I can.

Thanks people for being patient and even reading my depressing rambles at times.

Oh My

Oh my, today's a terribly sad one.
I think the bed calls me today for comfort.
It'll pass.
It has to pass, the day is such a beautiful day
I need to remind myself, of all of the beauty in it.
Have a beautiful day people.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

My thought for the week

As you know, I'm a big lover of nature. I'm loving this wet and windy autumnal blustery weather, it's so refreshing. The leaves are so beautiful to look at, whilst they lie on the ground in their golden glory, waiting to turn crispy brown. The imagination runs wild when you look at the patterns that fallen leaves make on the ground and indeed have, in their own right.

Therefore my thought for this week comes from a quote by William Blake; what a genius, visionary and romantic. His writing is still important today and therefore I've chosen one of my favourite quotes from him

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity... and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Tough Decisions Ahead

Well, it seems I may have some tough decision making to do. A colleague at another college seems adamant on getting me a job in Sheffield. It seems there's some work that could be starting in January. Decision making time folks.

I'm very tempted to go in all honesty. I think I need to break free from my mindset in Nottingham. There's too many memories for me here and I do feel like I need to wipe the slate clean and start anew.New beginnings are always good. I need to keep telling myself that my love isn't interested in me, on the level that I'd like because frankly, I'm totally delusional and therefore, there's no point really of staying in Nottingham.
I so want to be near the Peaks but I have a dilemma with my son's father and my eldest son's schooling. These factors really need to be taken into account of. I've been invited to the see the college and may well head up in the next few weeks to get some feel for the place and decide on whether I really want to make this change in my life.

My oh my, this year has been one of change. So much change.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Venus in Furs

I absolutely love this track by The Velvet Underground. I don't know if many of you know about its origins? Well, the lyrics come from an old book called 'Venus in Furs' written in 1870 by Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch.
I started to read this book many years ago but never finished it off because I was too preoccupied with other stuff. So, I've taken the plunge to start and read this book once again. I'm actually really fascinated by the story, as it's about the authors life, beliefs and desires and seemingly, pretty risque when it was wrote. I'm looking forward to burying my head once again in the 1870s...

"Venus in Furs (first published in 1870 under the title Venus im Pelz in German) is possibly the best known of its author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's works. The novel was part of an epic series which Sacher-Masoch envisioned which he called “The Heritage of Cain,” which was to have six parts, which was to contain 6 stories each on the subjects of: Love, Property, The State, War, Work, and Death. “Venus in Furs” was part of Love, which contained five additional stories.
The novel draws themes and character inspiration heavily from Sacher-Masoch’s own life. Wanda von Dunajew (the woman in which the novel centralizes around) was named after Fanny Pistor who was an emerging literary writer. The two met when Pistor contacted Sacher-Masoch, under the fictitious title of a noble Baroness Bogdanoff for suggestions on improvement of her works, to make them suitable for publication. Inventing such a title for herself is telling of the fanciful aspect of her character that would make possible the charming and outrageous nature of their love affair.
On December 8, 1869 Leopold and Fanny signed a contract making Leopold von Sacher-Masoch the slave of Fanny Pistor Bogdanoff for the period of six months, with the stipulation, doubtlessly at Sacher-Masoch’s suggestion, that the Baroness wear furs as often as possible, especially when she was in a cruel mood. Sacher-Masoch was given the alias of “Gregor,” and fitted out in disguise as the servant of the Baroness. The two traveled by train to Italy. As in the novel, he traveled in the third class compartment, while she had a seat in first class, arriving in Venice (Florence, in the novel), where they were not known, and would not arouse suspicion.
Sacher-Masoch's fantasies and fetishes, were attempted his fantasies with all his mistresses and wives. After his love-affair with Fanny Pistor, Sacher-Masoch married his first wife,
Aurora RĂ¼melin, and pressured her into living out the experience of his book "Venus in Furs", against her preferences. This marriage was an utter failure and he soon got a divorce and married his assistant. In his late 50s, his mental health began to deteriorate and he spent the last years of his life in a pyschiatric asylum. According to official reports, he died in Lindheim, Germany in 1895; however some claim that he actually died in an asylum in Mannheim in 1905."

Body Art

Today's been a ponderous day. I went for a windy, autumnal bike ride and really enjoyed all of the beautiful colours that are found in nature, this time of the year. I also decided to visit an art gallery because of my interest in an artist called Hetain patel. He uses henna/mendhi art to decorate his body. How truly beautiful and erotic that a man paints and decorates himself like this? Although he isn't doing this for the sake of beauty but more out of curiosty and confusion around the issue of identity for second generation Asians.

I quote...

"The concerns in my practice revolve around the displacement of Indian culture to the UK and how this goes about shaping my identity as a British Indian.Identity confusion in second generation immigrants comes from the fact that we have never experienced our parents’ ‘home land’ culture in the totality of its original context. Specifically in my case I was born and raised in England, not India. And although I lead a largely western lifestyle, I still feel rooted within certain Indian ideals. The question is, to what extent?"

Henna as a medium, is quite difficult but beautiful to work with. I used to spend ages decorating my own hand and arm, with henna. It has one of the most 'earthy' smells I've ever come across. In teaching sessions too, I've often used Mendhi art as a vehicle to motivate people successfully.
I urge anyone who has an interest in body art, to visit this exhibition and find yourself en-tranced by this wonderful artist's work.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Moving Music

Music moves me in so many ways; tears, joy, happiness, mania, sadness, movement of hairs, contemplate, mind travel, dream, wish, memories, anger, thought provoking, contentment, at peace, relaxed, dance, headrush, save and on and on and on.

Music? Such a sacred gift to have in our life. The musical gift today has been sent by Calexico and the Feast of Fire album. One of my favourite tracks on this album is called 'Not Even Stevie Nicks'

Not Even Stevie Nicks

With a head like a vulture and heart full of hornets
he drives off the cliff and into the blue
not even the priestess with her wrenches and secret powers
could save (steer) him from danger for a little while
not even she could save him

Reflective few days

I've had a few really reflective days. I went out last night and became upset on the way home. Upset because I miss the person I love and because I know I have to try and break free of these emotions.
Today though, I've been reading some Dalai Llama writings and thought I'd share these with you. If all humans aspired to live their lives in this way, I feel the world would be free of suffering.

The Goal
Most people have heard of nirvana. It has become equated with a sort of eastern version of heaven. Actually, nirvana simply means cessation. It is the cessation of passion, aggression and ignorance; the cessation of the struggle to prove our existence to the world, to survive. We don't have to struggle to survive after all. We have already survived. We survive now; the struggle was just an extra complication that we added to our lives because we had lost our confidence in the way things are. We no longer need to manipulate things as they are into things as we would like them.
Four Noble Truths

(1) the noble truth that life involves suffering
(2) the noble truth that suffering arises from craving
(3) the noble truth that suffering ends with the removal of craving
(4) the noble truth that there is a way to the end of suffering.
3 unwholesome truths
(1) We must overcome exploitative greed with global generosity, helpfulness, and cooperation.(2) We must replace hatred and revenge with a policy of kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. (3) We must recognize that our world is an interdependent, interwoven whole such that irresponsible behavior anywhere has potentially harmful repercussions everywhere

What is the cause of the inequality that exists among mankind? Why should one person be brought up in the lap of luxury, endowed with fine mental, moral and physical qualities, and another in absolute poverty, steeped in misery? Why should one person be a mental prodigy, and another an idiot? Why should one person be born with saintly characteristics and another with criminal tendencies? Why should some be linguistic, artistic, mathematically inclined, or musical from the very cradle? Why should others be congenitally blind, deaf, or deformed? Why should some be blessed, and others cursed from their birthspray.

May We Appreciate and RememberToday
may we appreciate this food and remember those who are hungry.
May we appreciate our family and friends and remember those who are alone.
May we appreciate our health and remember those who are sick.
May we appreciate the freedoms we have and remember those who suffer injustice and tyranny.

Going to Sleep
Falling asleep at last, I vow with all beings to enjoy the dark and the silence and rest in the vast unknown.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well.
Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source

“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”

Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.A.N Other had become 'another' to her. Vacant.
The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life.
She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing
1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of. Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Winter is upon us.

Wow, the weather's certainly getting a bit on the cold side tonight. The object of my love came over to my house for the first time today and it was touching to hear how he felt my home reflected me so much. A pretty accurate observation I'd say really. I wanted to show him all around my house because although he's known me over 18months, he's never stepped a foot into my house until today, which is pretty shit for him, in all honesty. Saying that, I loved going to his place because it always felt like a really peaceful and warm place to be. A bit of a sanctuary in many ways for me, away from my own life and its problems. It always had a certain smell too which even in the new place where he lives, that smell has followed.

Anyway, after he'd gone I sat contemplating everything and tears welled up in my eyes and dropped onto my cheeks and an envelope, that laid on the table.

I decided after this emotional outburst, to take myself out for a while on a bike ride. It was wonderful to feel the cold air on my skin and smell the frosty, winter air. I also noticed that the moon is half full and waning, on this clear night. It put things a little into perspective for me. I really wished that things could be different. I know they can't but I so wish they could. I've waited so long to be alone and properly available to share good times and now that I'm available, my love isn't wanted. It's a weird old world really because the things that you feel may been in your grasp, often move further and further away from it.

Winter, its coldness and darkness will give me the much needed time to reflect on many things and hopefully will put a lot of things to rest.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

New Day, New Start

Sorry people for my miserable outbursts. I've been going through a lot of pain really for quite a long time, in one way or another.
I've always wanted to be with a person who can't be with me, for whatever; I love him unconditionally but I now realise that 20 months is a long time to wait for a person who doesn't want to be with me. In this time also, my Mother has died and I finally, have managed to untie the leash of a long term dead relationship, after years of feeling a great sense of emotional dissatisfaction.
I always, in my hearts of hearts, felt I would eventually be with the person, whom I feel an unconditional love for. I guess this is never going to happen. I guess I've been far too stuck in a dream world of delusional thoughts and wishing something more would materialise with this beloved.
Sadly, I'm now trying to face the reality of cutting off my emotions. I find this hard to do, when I have so much love for the person. I know through history, lovers have felt this pain and woe but it's just so tragically upsetting, especially when 'the beloved' has been in your thoughts since you met them; You've shared warm times with them, you feel connected to them, you feel a real sense of 'love' from them, you love being with them and you hate being away from them and you feel special when you're with them. All of these feelings are really hard to just cut off for me but I know I have to try my best to do this. I know a flame in me, will feel like it's dying but I hope someday, a flame will be reignited again.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

God I give up

I've really had enough today.
I can't be arsed with anything or anyone.
I'm sick of people messing my head around...hiding snippets of information from me, that actually, are really important for me to know. I'm sick of being seen as second besat and unworthy.. I give up from now on, I really do.

I want peace now. I need peace. I need to build my strength, my soul and my heart.

Monday, November 06, 2006

God, I'm hard work!

Yes folks, I've finally admitted to myself that I'm hard work; An emotional nightmare full of delusional fantasy and dreams. I therefore realise that my life is destined to be one of a solitary nature, where no man will be subjected to the following traits

1. Emotional and able to understand and express feelings
2. Music lover and creative
3. Reader and poetry lover
4. Philosophiser of life - Buddhist/Existentialist traits
5. Recreational pot smoker and red wine/Vodka drinker and at Xmas, Tia Maria has been known to pass my ruby lips
6. Passionate in and out of the sack
7. Romantic but not always able to verbalise romantic thoughts 'in the moment' but they are there. I think I may have slight learning difficulties with this area of my brain, hence the feeling of wanting to kick oneself at times
8. Occasional mood swings, especially around the time of menstruation
9. Doesn't want kids ever again, unless truly 'in love', safe and feel protected and cared for
10. Lover nature - get out of ya cars you polluting bastards!
11. Lover of films - the more art house and obscure, the better. Although I have been known to watch 'Home Alone' and laugh at least twice, especially when Macauly sets all of the traps up.I like his tactics.
12. Understands the need for a woman to yell out loud , at times.
13. A blank, vacant expression, at certain times in the month in no way means, that I'm disinterested.
14. Dreams and a dreamer
15. Spontaneous and impulsive
16. Incourageable
17. Love food and don't give a shit about fatty foods, bring it on you 'diet whores.'
18. Ranter and aggressive at times of injustice
19. Writer of deep thoughts and emotions
20. Giving.
21. Believer in honesty and openess
22. A craver of love and affection; known to be classed as 'needy' from the opposite sex.(Hmm I'd query that one with the few - mainly one man, who belives this, they have the emotional blockage I'd argue here and are unable to reach a deeper level of emotional attachment. I like loving and hugging and die without bodily warmth, emotion and connection. Believe me, I'd been emotionally dead for about 5 years, up until about 18 months ago)
God, that's one hell of a list. Solitary life becomes me and my sad cocoon.

Arthur Lee lyrics

Been listening to the lyrics of Arthur Lee and Love; One of my all time 60s bands. This man was a true legend and I'm so glad I went to see him perform a few years ago. I was impressed. Love the lyrics to this song.

The Red Telephone

Sitting on a hillside
Watching all the people die
I'll feel much better on the other side
I'll thumb a ride
I believe in magic
Why, because it is so quick
I don't need power when I'm hypnotized
Look in my eyes
What are you seeing (I see...)
How do you feel?
I feel real phony when my name is Phil
Or was that Bill?
Life goes on here
Day after day
I don't know if I am living or if I'm
Supposed to be
Sometimes my life is so eerie
And if you think I'm happy
Paint me (white)
I've been here once
I've been here twice
I don't know if the third's the fourth or if the -
The fifth's to fix
Sometimes I deal with numbers
And if you wanna count me
Count me out
I don't need the time of day
Anytime with me's OK
I just don't want you using up my time
'Cause that's not right
They're locking them up today
They're throwing away the key
I wonder who it'll be tomorrow, you or me?
We're all normal and we want our freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom
Freedom... freedom... freedom... freedom

Fuck emotions

Fuck emotions is my motto today. It don't get you know fuckin where to be an emotional person cos people get so scared of emotions and dealing with them. Well, I damned well know how to deal with my emotions so now, I close them off.
But this isn't the 'real' me. I'm an open, loving person. All I've ever offered to the people who matter in my life, is love. It seems that love is sometimes the wrong thing to offer. I'm so stupid and ridiculous at times.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

What a day

Oh dear, after watching this song video on TV last night, it's just made me so sad. Not sad for my ex partner but sad because of the love I have for another.

The love I feel is so large and mighty, it's tears me apart at times. It's all of my fault too, thinking that I'm strong and able to cope with small snippets of love and affection.

All I want is to share many times with this person, give my love to this person, plan with this person, make this person happy, spend time doing things together, all the things that you do when you're 'in love' with a person. I miss this person so much after I've spent time with him, so much so, that I have a constant ache in my heart. I've never had such depth of feeling for another; My first 'serious' lover comes close but nothing as deep as this.

God, why do I love so very much?

I suppose, as beautiful Sinead hauntingly sings

"I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? He said girl you better try to have fun No matter what you'll do but he's a fool`Cause nothing compares, Nothing compares to you"

Maybe this may be the tonic I need for tonight. Maybe not.

Friday, November 03, 2006

I wish that time stood still

Today I'm rather tired. I really don't care that I'm tired; this sort of tiredness is worthy. I managed to make it to work today, although I was rushing a little as I didn't get home til gone 4am and really didn't want to get out of bed.

I visited heaven again last night. This sort of heaven I never want to end. I love heaven and all that it brings. I wish it were infinite. I wish time would stand still or time could reverse. If I could reverse time, say press a button or some such, I'd go back again to all of the lovely times spent in blissful heaven.

Heaven has a strange effect on me when I've been in this special place; I yearn, I daydream, I fantasise, I smile to myself, I long, I visualise, I replay, I glow, I desire and most of all, I feel a huge sense of warmth and love.

Heaven is truly a magical, beautiful place, but heaven is too short lived for me and the love that burns inside of me.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Argghh what an awful Dream

My God, I woke up this morning feeling worse for ware. I had an awful, awful dream. It involved loads of conflict, ladders,lofts,dust, fibre glass, anger, betrayal and sadness.
It was just horrible and my arm is really hurting today, so fuck knows whether I've been bashing my arm around, whilst sleeping! Ooo I hate those sort of dreams, you know, the ones that make you almost cry when you wake up....Thank God for reality today!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Should I stay or should I go?

Well, been talking to a colleague of mine today who works at a college in Sheffield. He's basically told me that there's a lot of work going up that way and I'd get a job where he works if I applied, due to my experience. This sounds rather tempting and beings as though there's quite a few vacancies there at the mo, I'm tempted.

The one thing that I've wanted in my life for the past 18 months, doesn't ever seem like it's going to be realised; he's made it quite clear to me that all I am is a friend and no more. He's made it clear that he's interested in other people and not me on a relationship level. This saddens me and hurts me so very much but I realise that I have to stop living in a fantasy world and if other opportunities come along then I need to take them. I'm getting no younger in life and therefore want to grab life by the bollocks and enjoy what's out there for me.

So I'm gonna think long and hard over this one but one things for sure, I can't keep on hoping, fantasing and preying for what I want, as these actions seem to get me nowhere in all honesty..especially when I want to share so much with this person.