Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Kindness and rememberance on Samhain.

Well back to work for me today. Had an OK day but then had a load of arguements with my eldest son when I got home. Life can be a shit at times as a Mum;disrespected, called, abusive comments etc etc.Maybe the evil spirits of Samhain/Halloween were having some effect! Makes me want to bury my head in my hands and cry at times.

However, Another touching moment occurred today in the form of a message from a DJ that I saw live on Saturday and who I'd commented about how much I liked his music on his Myspace page. The sweet guy insisted on sending me a free CD of his music. How great is that? I'm touched and warmed by these sort of actions, kindness and goodness. I can't wait to get listening to his music; Funnily enough, he's a big fan of Way Out West too, one of my all time favourite musicians/DJs.

So, have a peaceful Samhain out there people. I hope the passing spirits are rewarded well..I'm thinking about my Mum right now too, who departed from this world nearly a year ago now and can't help but wonder where her soul may be right now. I'm also thinking about the one I love and I miss him.

I'm also thinking and contemplating the last year of my life, as this time of year tends to make me do this. Samhain ritual does lead one to think and reflect about events/happenings over the past year...
Now? I only want happiness, love, passion and kindness in my life. (OK random sadness here and there is part of life) but this year, since my Mum passed, has been turbulent on the emotions. At least now I know I'm coping better albeit with a few off days and I'm a little stronger with the help, love and support from those around me, who show compassion, understanding and kindness to me.

A reflective Samhain to you all on this peaceful eve.

Monday, October 30, 2006


I really don't get why some people are horrible to each other? What the fuck is the point of it? Honesty, openess and respect for each other is totally where I'm at. I really don't buy into being horrible to people or for that matter, I don't like hearing about friends, people I love, associates, anyone for that matter, being treated horribly. For God's sake, this is how wars start..don't people actually equate nastiness with the bigger picture and problems on a worldwide scale? I certainly do.

For any people out there who get off on being an arsehole, I suggest you go and read some Buddhist Philosophy for some enlightenment and as a way to live your life. I love someone deeply, hence me never wanting to cause him distress even though he may've not been the sweetest of people at times, but I accept that he will have a bad conscience for actions that may have been hurtful. And, I know he has a conscience; he is a sweet, beautiful person underneath the outer shell, who I've always been so happy to be around and share lovely times with.

So, if anyone you encounter in the nest few days is horrible I suggest you smile at them and go and tell them to become a little more enlightened.

The Power of Bernini

After watching an art programme on Friday night, I've fallen in love with the sculptures created by the Italian genius Bernini. They're so lifelike and to think that a person created these with their own hands out of marble, is just amazing. Enjoy people!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hooray for a night out.

Finally recovered from the ridiculous whinging that I've inflicted you with over the past few posts. Yesterday had a chilled day and went shopping for a pumpkin. I was hoping to get a 'locally grown' allotment pumpkin but my Dad, who has his own allotment, hasn't grown any this year. Boo Boo. Gonna make some gorgeous pumpkin soup for Halloween, or Samhain as I prefer to call it and maybe invite a few people over for samhain activities. Hopefully I'll get a bonfire going and burn past issues; bit of a Samhain ritual that I like to maintain.
It was wonderful to cycle through a local park; kids out,leaves turning yellow, fresh breeze in the air, crispish feel to the day. I do so love autumn, it's such a special time, it really is.
Last night I was going to stay in but then a friend urged me to go out and I'm glad I did. Had a wonderful night, watching gigs and dancing and met some new people from the forum that I like to read and post on. The most touching conversation was with a guy called Ed. He'd always wanted to meet me in 'real life' and commented on how lovely it was to finally make my acquaintance. We chatted about all things reggae and his move to Nottingham from Brighton.Would've been good to have chatted to him for longer but sadly, the night ended too soon.
Also chatted to some other people from the forum and had a good laugh with them about different things, including my ridiculous rants at times.
Really enjoyed a DJ called Delirium Funk. I'm gonna be watching him closely and aim to see him play at Stealth on November 17th. He's good, really good. Great tunes and a reminder of 90s dance music, which excites me at the best of times.

So people, a happier being am I today, and feeling much more positive about the future and fun that I anticipate.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Oh Dear Lord God

Oh dear me, I was in a BAD HEADSPACE last night. I really was. Sorry to inflict this crap onto you guys.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Self Protection and retracing.

People, I'm getting bored. Bored of cyberspace, bored of real space. The only thing I'm not bored of is being out there in the open, with no-one around me. Sounds mad, I know, but the stay I've just returned from in the peaks really set me up again. I cried when I left. I sat on the top deck of the bus and tears streamed down my face.
I really didn't want to come back to Nottingham;too many memories that tear at my heart. Too much emotional turbulence that has passed through my heart and soul. Too much love lost along the way. Too much of myself now feeling like an empty shell, with nothing left to give anymore. I feel like I'm a shadow of what my energy was. I feel stripped bare of emotion and love.

One thing I did feel love for, was the journey along the top of the peaks near Hathersage and Stannedge Edge. Beautiful, barren and green, yellow red in colour. Whilst I passed this area I wrote a small poem, which I seem to have misplaced along the way.It will return, if it's meant to.

I also loved the journey through the Eccles area of Sheffield. I noted down a few Estate agent's names for further reference, as I would like to think that one day I may well relocate closer to the Peaks. This may take some time but the thought and desire are there in my heart still.
This seems the best thing for me right now; concentrate on the things that have no emotional attachment, that don't cause me pain, that don't make me yearn.It's hard to be able to put my mind into that sort of frame because I'm normally such a warm person, fall of so much love, but for the sake of my heart and mind's protection, I need to focus on the small undetailed things in life.
Yes, I still miss my loved one. I miss him like nothing ever before. I missed him whilst I was away. I dreamed he was there with me sharing warm, passionate times. I pictured him. I sensed him.
I don't know anymore what to think. All I feel is that I've lost out. I've lost him. I've lost in love. That's tough, really tough and I'm therefore in mourning and have now been in this state for quite a while. Hence, the feeling of emptiness and detachment that's plaguing my lonely heart.Maybe I'm just far too deluded and always have been? Like I know, he doesn't have the spark for me that I hold for him and thus, I should yes, just get over it. It's hard to get over someone that you've fallen deeply 'in love' with by accident. Love isn't something that happens easy for me and with many people; these people are few and far between.

Anyway, I must move on from this head state and tell you that I've also been writing a short story but I daren't display it to you people yet. One day, when I feel stronger and more confident I will do it then. I promise.

Until then, have a good weekend and week ahead. I fear I may be less on this blog because I need to stop escaping into cyberworld on some level. I actually want to begin meditating and remembering the simple things in life again. I'm quite bored of the club scene and all the meaningless banter that goes on in it. I want to be around genuine, compassionate people, who are non judgemental and loving towards me. Hence the need for my retracing.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well. Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.
Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source
“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”

Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.

A.N Other had become another to her. Vacant. The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.
He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.
The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?
She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life. She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing

1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.
Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.
In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of.
Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....

Monday, October 23, 2006

The force of nature

My thought for the week is

I love to be complimented but all I desire is to feel loved, like nothing ever before on this planet. You can't force love but neither can you deny the forces of nature.

Friday, October 20, 2006

To see a loved one

I went to meet the object of my poems yesterday, just for a quick drink. I was really nervous about meeting him as I haven't seen him for a while. It was good to see him again. I did feel rather restrained, as quite a lot of things have been said in between time. I would've liked to have spent longer with him, but this wasn't to be for him.

The weirdest was, how similar I feel we are. He took the words right out of my mouth when we left the pub by commenting on how weird it is to drink in the day and how when you leave a dark pub, it really affects your eyes. I've always thought this in life and was thinking it yesterday as we left the pub!

I miss this person a lot. I feel that we have a lot of things in common that I miss not sharing more time with him as I used to before. Our lives are different it's true but I don't think these differences matter. I've been quite contemplative since I saw him. I wonder whether he thinks about any of these things? I wonder...

I got home and just thinking and visualising about certain moments that I've shared with him over time, made my stomach and heart flip, which showed me my feelings are still so very strong and forceful.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Message felt my pain

Well as you know people, I tend to be a tad emotional on here at times. I have to admit that most days I cry. Normally late at night when I go to bed and lie there thinking about things that have had a deep impact on me recently.

Anyway, something strange happended last night people. I received a nessage from a person who's the lead singer of a band that I really like. The message touched my heart massively. It was a thoughtful, kind, warm, loving message. The words were so eloquent and kindly put together, that it touched my heart to the point that it made me cry whilst reading it.
The person who wrote it had taken out a lot of time to piece the words together but also gain an understanding of the sort of things I am into, by their reading and interest in my own Myspace website.

The message was also really positive with inspiring thoughts about the future and the bigger picture in life.
I felt this message came to me at the right time on a universal level, because although it made me cry, it made me realise that I need to be around people who bring kindness, love, friendship , sharing and warmth into my life. I am a massive bringer of all of these things and I too need these things to survive on an emotional level.

So I thank this person and the universal message for reminding me about the important qualities in life and of people.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


This week I'm feeling bored people.

Bored of meaningless rants and dialogue.
Bored of TV.
Bored of Madonna adopting a baby.
Bored of the way we continue to live our lives and fuck up the environment.
Bored of newspapers.
Bored of the scene.
Bored, Bored BORED.
Bored of bill paying and money scraping.

You don't need to try and console me readers, or try to make me feel better. I'm just thinking out loud.

What I'm not bored about though readers, is my mate telling me tonight that her friend has just bought a house to rent out in Marakkesh, as from next year and funnily enough, this is a place I'm longing to visit! It may well be that I get out there sooner than I thought! This is good reader. Very good indeed.

I'm also not bored about going off again, to the Peaks next week. A good old stay in a hotel with brekkie included! Plenty of walking, plenty of fresh air, plenty of solace, plenty of peace, plenty of wilderness.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm so ashamed

The other day, I did something I'm not proud of, I reacted angrily and viciously to some comments someone made to me.In the normality of this, people would probably say I was right to act like this.But it just doesn't sit right with me. In fact this someone, is the object of my poems. I felt I had to get all of my anger out about so many things but this has made me feel extremely sad though.

All I really feel for this person is a continual love. I'm mad at myself for saying some of the things that I said. I'm mad at myself for stooping so low to retaliate in this way. I hate being like this with people;it reminds me of school days and how kids call names at each other. It's childish and not something I want to be part of especially when the words are being said to the person I have a deep love for. Even though I'm not with this person or in a relationship with this person, I still care deeply. I still love deeply. I still worry deeply. I still wish deeply.

Although I do feel some of the words I wrote to this person did need to be said, I'm so angry at myself for being so cutting, damning and downright abusive. I don't like acting this way with friends or lovers, for that matter.

I'm annoyed at myself.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Emotional being

Is it just me or do any of you guys have differing changes in your moods fairly often? One day I can feel happy the next I can feel an overwhelming sense of strange sadness. My questions to you people are..

Is this normal?
Is this just part of the human condition?
Is this because the one thing I love, I miss so much and it tears at my heart often.
Is this just because I'm such a sensitive, emotional being?
Is this because I'm a woman?
is this just how I've always been? Hmm,I think maybe I have, in one way or another!

Happiness can't be with us on a daily level I'm sure. Although when I read the Dalai Llama's works, he seems to have sussed it out quite well;I love the fact that the simple things in life, are the ones that bring us happiness.

Have happy, simple days people!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Happiness is........

Do you remember those funny cards and bags that used to be around in the 80s that said stuff like
"Happiness is...." or "Love is........"

Well for some reason these cards/pieces of useless merchandise are on my mind today. I think it's because my soul in some ways feels at peace.

So happiness for me this week is......

A big fat curry tomorrow night with lashings of red wine.

Possibly, a mad night out of dancing on Saturday.

And always remembering the continual passionate and breathless feeling I've felt, when I kissed the object of my poems. God, I can still picture the moments!
This feeling is a rarity.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Thought for the week

The thought of the week for me is....

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Friday Night Fun

Well honoured readers, I had a fantastic Friday night. The night started off in a local pub, meeting some friends and then on to a Party next to a weir.One of my sweet friends gave me a belated birthday consisting of smellies to put in the bath and incense. How wonderful is that?
Anyway, the people who'd set up the party had really gone to town. It was actually in aid of a guys 40th Birthday;I never got to meet him and say Happy Birthday, sadly!
Diverting back to the party set up, there was a DJ playing some great tunes, A massive party gazebo, a roaring fire, candles and fairy lights, disco balls reflecting the warmth of the fire's flames, chill out tent for casualties, substandard toilet set up and all of this next to a rushing weir! Wow, to look at rushing water with the reflection of a full moon shining its beams, was just something else.
I managed to drink the bottle of vodka I took along together with some unhealthier substances. Saying that, I totally enjoyed the way I was feeling this night and had a smile on my face most of the night. My dear friend Liza, had been watching me dancing and we kept smiling and giggling at each other, she then came up to me whilst dancing and uttered these sweet words

"You are so lovely sweetness, I just want to give you a big hug"

What a diamond friend this woman is.

I continued the night of dancing and got chatting to some sweet people around the fire. From my hazy memory, I recall vaguely discussing the moon, astrology and water!
I managed to get embarrassingly muddy; I fell over on at least 6 occasions and fell down a hole on my way to sit on the toilet! This made me really laugh out loud! I was worried though that the toilet was going to sink into the mud and I'd be stuck in the mud, so to speak!

I finally left the party about 5.30am. Walking home seemed to take a bloody lifetime. I went into my kitchen and dreamed about my loved one. I fell asleep, on the kitchen floor of all places, to be woken by daylight peering through my window and the coldness of my body against my kitchen's lino floor. I dreamed again about my loved one being with me. All in vain, I know.

I had such a wonderful night. I love these sort of nights because they put the world into perspective for me; they remind me that life is for living and making the most out of.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

If only..............

If only to lie
on lino with you
You'd make me feel warm,
all the way through
If only to hold you
so longingly tight
The world and my heart
would feel happy, bright.
Lino feeels cold
when lacking deep love
If only you'd warm it,
my sensual passionate dove.

God, the heart continues to crave. If only, the universe and you realised how much I LOVE YOU! If only you wanted to be with me forever. If only we could be as one.
I'll now shut the hell up, cos I'm seriously in 'dream mode'.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Full Moon Emotions

Wow! Wow!

What a strange day. I'm still in yearning but listening to William Orbit sorts my head out a bit, although I do tend to fantasise somewhat to his sounds..they're pretty en-trancing. I dream of sharing these sounds with a beloved. If you want some erotic-ish music to share with a loved one, try the Strange Cargo Hinterland album, Some of the tracks are just out of this world, in my dreamy opinion. Especially love 'She Cries your name', 'El Ninjo','Crimes of the future',Name of the wave' and 'Say Anything'. Wow!

Anyway, No wonder I've felt emotional over the last few days and especially today. 100% Full Moon today folks! Ooooo how I love a full moon. I'm off to an outdoor party tonight near a canal which if the eve stays as it's been today, cool and windy, the eve should be a special one. I'm sure all the wind and spiritual feeling you get with the elements will make the night extra special! Can't wait to feel the wind blow through my hair and the water rustle with my soul. Hoping there'll be an open fire too which will melt away at my heart.

Anyway here's my own astrological forecast and an explanation about the 'Harvest Moon'.

This week's Full Moon is the annual event known in the northern half of the world as the Harvest Moon. Its name is derived from the fact that it rises above the horizon faster than usual ... providing farmers with a period of bright moonlight at the end of the day.

This year, the Harvest Moon falls in the passionate and bold sign of Aries -- inspiring us to take action and follow our desires. As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries -- almost like a child -- has a tendency to be self-focused and can miss perceiving the needs of others. Impulsive and spontaneous, Aries' "go for it" attitude comes in handy when pursuing a prized goal ... but in close relationships, there's a risk of accidentally bruising a loved one's feelings.

As this particular big moon fills out the night sky, it's a good time to contemplate your close connections.

Have special weekends out there folks and thanks for all being such beautiful, kind souls to me.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Need to be annonymous

Thought for the week is

'my ever increasing need to become anonymous.'

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Visual Gallery

As a way to move forward in life, I like to live out my dreams. I have loads of 'sleeping' dreams and I also have loads of future dreams. I'd love to live out my 'sleeping' dreams however, I think I may be expecting too much here. Although I do belive in fate and destiny. Anyway, without ranting on about those dreams, I've decided to search for images of places that I want to visit in the future and make a sort of, 'future place dream gallery' along my hallway. This entails creating a visual image gallery of where I must see. I may even put a few poems of mine up there too because I do dream about someone I love. Even if this dream never comes true, it'll always be in my heart, one way or another.
So, the places to go in my gallery include the following

Marrakesh - always had a wild desire to see the markets there and consume the gorgeous buildings.
Cuba - Havana - I'd love to go there before Fidel passes away but I fear this is wildly out of sight, unless I make some money..QUICK!
The Lake District - Love the mountains and the lakes together and entirely doable in the near future.
Scotland - Isle of Lewis/Skye - I just have to see where the Wickerman was filmed and also experience Scotland on some level as I've never been there.
Tibet - I've always wanted to be high up near the Himalayas and drink in the gorgeous oranges, reds and yellows of Buddhist monk clothing along with the possibilty of visiting a Monastery.
India - Always had an urge to go to India. I'd love to see the Ganges and take part in some of the Indian festivals.
Naxos - Purely for nostalgic and historical purposes.
Peru - For the music, the ancient civilisations and to ride on the trains.
Southern Ireland - to retrace the path of my ancestors.

More to be added, when I have more time. If you guys out there know of any links for good photos let me know!