Sunday, June 29, 2008

Sweat and Paper Phallus

Lovely weekend for me. A, cycled over 20 miles to visit me Friday night which I thought was very admirable and sweet..He made me laugh cos he didn't bring a change of clothes to mine and was sweaty and hot..wanted to wash his clothes and thus, birthday suit became part of the equation! Spent a sweet night with him and reluctantly had to drag myself out of bed so that I could get stuff sorted for my friends coming over to mine for an outdoor summer gathering..

Don't you just love being around good friends, sat in the garden, drinking wine, watching dusk fall to dawn? How lovely. We got an ace fire going and my Artist friend Anna, who I did some art paper project work with, wanted to do a ceremonial burning of all of the paper models we made... here's a link to the project..
My model? A gigantic paper phallus! It took a while to burn and was a shame to see it go but hey, it's only paper!

Check my photo of Sacrificial phallus burning!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thursday thought and meditation...

So my lovely friend sent me this meditation today - she said of me that I give such unflinching love to others and I guess, yes, she's right..why give anything else to a person who you fall deeply in love with?..Or indeed, to close friends who show ongoing suport and love for you?....So here's what she sent...
I like it and yes, I guess it really does sum up my own philosophy about people and opening the heart -

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.Do good anyway.If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.Do good anyway.Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them. Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


A partied out, woman, very drunk, cycling through the cool night air to visit her lover in Da Ghetto, at 12am on a Saturday night, not really what you would call 'normal' behaviour I guess eh? The power, or should I say 'potency' of alcohol and what it does to the psyche - dangerous concoction! Especially when one may have certain insecurities, be they founded or not, to rant and rant and rant to the point of exhaustion, to the opposite sex? Ah well, wrath has to come out somehow but preferably not through the negative force of alcohol.. Sure did ruin my Saturday night and I guess I humbled out on myself for being so 'on one' but me, being a feisty muthafucka at times, has to get my words out in the open otherwise they bubble and trouble in my word cauldron..In some ways too,it ain't surprising really considering the information about the rose that REALLY upset me. Hey ho! Romance is truly alive!
What will be of the scenario and embarrassment? God only knows but I'm trying to not focus on this too much, I've made worse mistakes in the past and if people can't forgive drunken idiotic behaviour, then so be it!

Instead I turn my attentions to a summer gathering I'm holding on Saturday night..should be cool to see all of my close friends, get a fire burning,fairy lights shining brightly in the garden and candles burning their beautiful orangy flames..I await with anticipation and gladness about seeing everyone and enjoying all of their company..

Roll on Saturday, Sorry Mr, for being a nightmare on Saturday night but I guess I'me now thrown to the sinbin..unworthy of your time..BUT, remember, people only get insecure when they feel a reason to be insecure and I do have reason to be insecure in quite a few respects..
Ah, let the time and planet move on its axis to a new day and a new dawn!

Monday, June 23, 2008


Who is She?
How should she be?
Where has she gone?
To be accepted..
For she knows not how -
Her heart is too sore -
Bleeding and open,
It pours.
Wild and free?
Insular and twee?
Quiet and calm?
Her heart has given
All that it had to give..
And now it lies
Bruised and dead.
Her soul has offered -
Peace and understanding,
Now it floats,
Only just afloat..
Rest herself,
Rest -
Forever -
One day she'll return..

Friday, June 20, 2008

Shiatsu grounding

I went for my first Shiatsu massage today. I had one years ago but never returned,even though I really LOVED it back then. Today's massage was an excellent, forceful and grounding experience.. The masseur was professional and very sweet, asking me loads of questions about my life/health/emotions and then getting a general picture of my health and emotions. She did a general all round massage and I felt many weird sensations when she touched certain pressure points and I guess, worked on my meridians. My feet tingled at one point and and my inner knee got some weird sensation when she was pressuring my hip area!

After the massage, I felt dizzy and spaced out. She fedback to me, that she felt my energy was blocked in my back region and that I'd been carrying huge emotional stuff there for a long time. I was impressed with her and the massage and will definitely return for a monthly treatment..It started to make me think about my career again. How I always wanted to train to be a Herbalist or some sort of therapist. I love helping others but at points, the sort of helping I do in my current job leads to burn out. part of me wonders whether to return to uni to complete a Complementary Therapy Degree and specialise in a chosen area..I can then still work at helping others but in a more holistic way. The only thing that holds me back and concerns me, is the cost of doing the course and indeed, how I'd survive whilst studying with 2 dependents..I need to get more of an idea about how I could fund such alternative career and maybe embark on this. The pure fact that I'm continually contemplating career changes, makes me evermore sure that I need a new direction in life.

Tomorrow I have a Solstice party to attend.This will be lovely! Lots of sweet people, lots of interesting conversation and warmth..I look very forward to this and can't ait to spend time with my lovely friend Julie again, who, very soon is expecting her first baby!

Hoorah for Shiatsu and Hoorah for the weekend!

Check out this link for Shiatsu information

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Today I went to look for some more flowers for my garden but ended up buying nothing. I couldn't find anything that I really liked.
I keep thinking about the rose business that my earlier poem is about and it's making me feel pretty sad really.

I'm supposed to be at a friend's solstice party on saturday and then maybe to a club night in the city but I have noone to go with, which is making me feel a little weirded out, especially when it's a club that I'm not overly keen on. Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll just have to see what happens on Saturday. A and I had semi planned to go away this weekend, which is also on my mind loads..thinking about where we might've gone but I know that sort of thinking is destructive so I'm trying to think in the now.

I think my massage and meditation will do me good..I have to return to the Drs next week again. I don't want to return to work yet, I'm not ready and I need some time alone in my house when my eldest son has departed for Denmark on Monday. I also need to talk the Dr about a lot of breathlessness that I keep getting..don't know what that's all about..Hmm

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

How the world turns....

What a lovely night tonight! I received a sweet phone call from my lovely friend Helen, we've arranged to go for a girly curry night in a few weeks. This will be good cos we can talk about her planned visit to San Francisco! I also received a sweet text from an old mate, who I used to work with in Homeless Hostels. We plan to meet up for coffee sometime soon and catch up with what's been going on our lives. Will be wonderful to catch up with him, he's a big fan of films and his fave film is Paris Texas! One of my all time fave movies too. Bumped into himn a while back in the city and had a sweet chat but not long enough to get to the meat and gristle about what's happening for him right now..

I also received an email from my dear friend Richard, who I knew way back in time..1980s, as it happens. He's now teaching on a BA Hons Photography course, amongst other things such as his Family responsibilities.

I love these connections with people, it makes me realise that I have some very dear, true friends out there who have been around for a long time and still have something in common. All good and genuyine in my books!

Tomorrow? Not sure what I'm doing as yet..but could do with a further nature injection..we'll see!

Wondering through....

Today I decided to take myself for a wonder and a bike ride out in nature and to visit a photography exhibition, namely the Jerwood Photography winner exhibition at Djanogly Art Gallery. I was struck by the photos in this exhibition but especially liked Sophie Gerrards photojournalism about e waste in India and the problems this is causing for poorer people over there, really tragic stuff. Dana Popa's photos of the sex trafficking industry in Moldovia also really struck me in a profound way; powerful, moving and sad images giving the viewer glimpses of this disgusting industry and what it's doing to young women. I'd urge anyone with a conscience about such issues to check these two women's works out..

I took a wonder through some woodland and collected some old wooden branches that had fallen to the ground, to use as firewood in my garden fire.

I've thought a lot about A, I'm waking up with that awful sinking feeling you get when you miss someone. I know that we got on really well together and this is the tradegy really, when you spend time and energy with someone to have it taken away and indeed, be told truths which are disheartening and upsetting..I know I'm a full on person but I also want people, who I feel fond of, to feel 'loved' or indeed, 'thought about'. Maybe this is too much for him and thus, why he chose to fly away and change hsi direction..and of course cos I'm older, maybe not as attractive as younger women, all of those stupid insecurities we feel when something or someone you have strong feelings for, wonders...

So, a better day today but it has to be said, the yearn in my heart is strong and I need to try and contain it as best as I can. However, this is not all doom and gloom, I've been inspired to design a project about my experiences of love and desire, which I'm really enjoying working through and indeed, is a cathartic and therapeutic experience..Only read if you can handle DEEP and perosnal emotions

Monday, June 16, 2008

Solitary reflecting..

Today is a weird one. Thinking about the last few days and Saturday morning. Refelcting on all of the words that were spoken. I think I'm sort of shocked and running away from the words in my head, to save me from being too sad and upset..I don't get it, I don't understand closeness one time and then dsitance another..this isn't me and I can't be like this.I feel fed up and sad, really sad. I also feel hurt and meaningless, hence me writing this poem...

Rose of Entrapment

Red roses,
Are NOT beautiful.
They signify -
Cliches, lies,
The truth?
Buried, deep down inside..
Ruby, velvety petals -
Contain a sting so sharp,
Leaves -
The skin unsettled...
Another calling..
Poisonous red -
Wilting head.
Offered from necessity,
Such depravity.
A waste of nature -
Toxicated love,
Winding their branches,
Trapping butterflies above..

Moving on from my poem, I found this quote today and I like what it says and I guess it fits in with my view of life in many ways..

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”

I also read today that quite a lot of people were injured and hospitalised by the police, in London's Anti Bush protest..Scary roads we're going down - I thought this sort of mistreat,ent would've ended with the Thatcher Govt but alas, sadly it hasn't! What faith can we have in this Govt if they're continuing to adopt the idea of a police state?

So, off to sleep I go, feeling devoid and empty..but, I have to keep focussed and I will remind myself that I have a meditation class this week and a Shiatzu massage to look forward to.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

And so I read....

A book that I found in the second hand bookshop by Carol Ann Duffy - World's Wives and other selected poems for £1.49, what a bargain and how great to find second hand gems.
I like her writing and content of her poems..they strike chords in many respects and for sure, she's a vey talented writer who I feel, women can really feel some affinity to.
I love this poem below..I think it describes the feelings you have when you've become really fond of someone and indeed miss them and just be want to see and be with them..You know, that yearning in the heart? Anyway, here's the poem and see what you think..I think all human beings have this feeling at times in their life.

Words, Wide Night by Carol Ann Duffy

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you

and this is what it is like or what it is like in words.

Holiday season upon us..

So, one week to go until my dear bveloved teenrage son flys to Denmark, to stay for his regular visit with his Father. Two and a half months in the land of civilised people and cycle friendly environments. He's been asking me about Christiania and what it's like. I've told him that he HAS to sample this place before the Danish Govt decide to close it down..I think he's probably more interested in what strain of weed or indeed, hash he can get out there..Christiania is renowned for selling hash openly. He's also going to be working in his uncle's restaurant in the west area of Copenhagen. His uncle has recently bought a Tapas Restaurant in a hip and upcoming place so, for my son, this will be a positive experience re.working.

For me? It will be nice to have the house at weekends to myself. I plan to finish decorating, holding a belated midsummer party for a load of friends and generally enjoying free space for a while.

I was chatting to someone today about Northern India and whether they should visit this place..I'd love to see India at some point in my life but who knows what walks in your path when you plan things - life can change at any given moment..I've been thinking about A a lot today, I'm sad about the things he told me and I feel unloved and uncared for. What an awful feeling..I woke up feeling really sad and bereft and just wanted to go back to sleep..
BUT, I've been through worse ordeals and I'm not gonna let this get to me..If something is meant to be then it will be and obviously for him, I wasn't meant to be, even though part of me feels there is more to his reasoning..I know for a fact that we had many sweet times, much laughter, excellent physical energy and passion and happiness when together..well, at least I thought we did! To lose this is a shame and sad when two people get along as such..I don't know, I'm going to miss not seeing him and contacting him but life must go on and I will never go down the roads of sadness that I've been down in the past - no way! Who knows what's round the corner in life, and all I know is that I've led my life as genuine as I can and if people can't handle or trust this, then it's very sad really..

Bring on the holiday season!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Heart Attack

Guard the heart from emotional attack,
People take advantage -
Wish they'd cut some slack!
People? Commodities?
There for the taking?
Bruising pure hearts,
Wish they'd stop the faking!
Individualistic gains,
Insincerity reigns.
A trickle down theory -
Causing emotional pain..
Ah England!
Land of insincerity..
Gendered Capitalism,
Insular prosperity..

An Easy Pushover

Long story but I'm thinking about the words Easy Pushover...

noun - Easy Pushover

A person who is easily deceived or victimized: dupe, fool, gull, lamb, victim. Informal sucker. Slang fall guy, gudgeon, mark, monkey, patsy, pigeon, sap1. Chiefly British mug. See wise/foolish.

Definition - A person who is taken advantage of.

My take on this? Why would people want to take advantage of others? If they were truly righteous, peace loving, kind people, they wouldn't even consider taking advantage of others. It makes me understand that the world and people's emotions are easily commodified and capitalised upon - capitalism is INGRAINED in people's psyches and the treatment of others - ie. Gain from others for own gain..
It makes me sick to my stomach in many ways and I want no part of this. The British mentality in many respects, is tearing me apart and I wish I could FUCK OFF outta here tomorrow..

Back to fucking bed I go!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Facebook Frenzy, Death and Aquaintances

So a chilled day today really. Had a sweet conversation with my Line Manager about how I was doing and indeed, her reminding me to only come back to work when I'm 100% better! I can't fault the treatment I've received from her since I've been off sick from work, I dare say that not many managers would be as thoughtful and indeed, caring as she has been! I don't know when I'll return as yet but she reiterated that I need to be fully recovered to return..

I took a wonder to my local town and bumped into an old schoolfriend, who was my bestest buddy from the age of 14 - 19. We hung out allk of the time and went on a mad Ibiza, San Antonio fest back in the day - when we were 17 years old! Wild times indeed and very hedoniostic to say the least. She informed me that her Father had died this week, this really saddened me for her and made me cry with her...The good thing was, we've swapped numbers so maybe, we'l, strike up a friendship again..would be nice to meet up and find out how things are going in her world..

I then shopped a little, rang A and had a sweet chat with him but he was in bed and sounded sleepy but still, good to chat with him and wished he was in Nottingham, so that we could've seen each other..BUT he's being sensible and getting his head down with work which is all good for him.

Felt tired and a little nauseous today so thought I'd maybe chill out with a film - Dead Man's Shoes and a bottle of wine. We'll see what the night brings!

I've also spent time on FaceFuck as my mates and I call it..I've tracked down some old Danish mates so hoepfully, they'll be added to my account and indeed, keep in much as I HATE social networking, it's sort of cool to find old mates and bridge the distance and indeed years..In that respect FaceFuck, I salute you!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Stumbled upon....

Reacently, whilst I was following the debate about lowering the abortion limit, I came across this really interesting website and indeed, fresh air of libertarian/radical views..I like what a lot of the writers have to say and I like the fact that they challenge the 'all too prescriptive system' we're starting to find ourselves in, in the UK.

Anyway, here's a link to the site and I love the part about subversive parenting!

Check the site out and see what you think.

Don't quite know what I'm up to this weekend, had planned to see A but he's under a load of pressure with stuff which means, we will hopefully get together next weekend unless he gives me a suprise call which is always sweet! I think he's finally totally sussing me out, I'm a melodramatic, apparently??? He's right! My Mum used to call me a 'Drama Queen' and A has deffo recognised this trait in me, apparently, I'm worse than him but then again, we are both Virgoans so maybe we have a good understanding of each other on a cosmic level!
The good thing is, when we have these funny sort of confusions about stuff, which happened last night, he seems to know how to deal with me and my temper/drama antics - This is GOOD stuff!

So, I may revert to my original plans of heading out of the city to walk and maybe camp. A good friend has invited me out tomorrow night but I'm trying to watch the pennies cos going out is so ridiculously expensive and indeed, I get fed up of feeling crap the next day, after a big blowout!

Anyway, let the universe unfold it's happenings people!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I spy with my little eye....

A Hedgehog..

I can't believe my luck tonight, 9.30pm I decide to sit in my garden and chill, lit a fire and fuck me, as it starts to get dark, a Hedgehog scuffles right in front of me!
I can't belive it, this is the first time in YEARS that I've seen a Hedgehog in a garden wandering around. Next thing I know, it'd run into my outhouse, I picked it up and put it back in the garden..Bless the little creature just sat stood in a ball for ages and then I guess waited to feel safe and then scurried off again..How sweet is that?
I'm really touched and happy about seeing this little creature..I want to learn more about Hedgehogs and I hope it returns...what a delight!! Theres a good organisation called the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, who are concerned about the Hedgehogs' future - apparently their numbers are declining in and across the UK and Europe.. Anyway here's a link regarding this..

I'm still so touched about seeing it and part of me has started to think that maybe working with animals maybe something to consider, beings as though I'm cointemplating my career change and path right now..Hmm trouble is though, there are hardly any jobs working with animals...

Bless and up with the cute world of Hedgehogs!!!

Living in a Lighter Head and Heart

We all mistakes in life, this is part of learning and indeed changing behaviours. I've made mistakes in the past that I'm not proud of and yet, I have learned to forgive myself and learn from these mistakes. When people talk about their past behaviours and actions and are indeed not proud of this, I always feel that you have to take the person for who they are now and how they are living their life in the 'present'.
I remember when I met first met my youngest son's Dad, he came to visit me one night and said he needed to admit many things about his past. I listened intently, without judgement, without assumption and told him that the past has gone..and that he was a different person. He'd had a hard time as a child looking after two younger siblings sue to his Mum having ongoing addiction issues..His father wasn't present from the age of 9 so he never really saw a lot of his Dad.
We managed a relationship of 11 years, OK it had rockiness at times but our situations weren't easy either. We endured;

-Job losses when I gave birth to his son, thus living on the poverty line with a new born baby and older child
-We found out he had a terminally ill disease but would live and be OK, to which he is today.
-His brother became seriously mentally ill and was hospitalised for 6 months
-Family fall out
-His Father dying
-My Mother dying
-Many of my mates going through long term relationship break-ups and consulting me as a listening board and confidant

But what we didn't do was support each other enough, this is where we failed. Resentments grew, me of his drinking and abusiveness to me when drunk, which in some ways, made for a cycle of angry behaviour with us and this pattern is hard to change in yourself when your defenses go up, a cycle of conflict thus occurring. Sadly, when things were breaking down between us, he refused to try counselling, which in many ways told me that it was the end of the road if he wasn't prepared to look at himself and indeed, me look and work at myself..I felt alone, sad, lonely and unwanted in many ways.
We failed to give each other enough love and indeed maintain this meaning, the last 3or so years of our relationship were dead and buried, biding time until financially, he could move away.. Sad when you think about all of this..I guess those years with him and indeed, the failures with him, have taught me that mutual respect, tactileness, forgiveness, understanding and physical and emotional love, spontaneity, peace with other, compatibility and good energy together, are the ingredients to truly make a relationship stand the test of time. I know I'm a stickler and a fighter when it comes to those with whom I fall in love with - I guess if I believe in love and the person I love, then it has no bounds..

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm able to forgive people for their mistakes and behaviour..I guess the sad thought, is when people find it hard to forgive me of my behaviour/actions..

Here's a few thoughts and meditations on forgiveness from a Buddhist angle:

Have forgiveness in your heart for anything you think you've done wrong . Forgive yourself for all the past omissions and commissions. They are long gone. Understand that you were a different person and this one is forgiving that one that you were. Feel that forgiveness filling you and enveloping you with a sense of warmth and ease.

Think of your parents. Forgive them for anything you have ever blamed them for. Understand that they too are different now. Let this forgiveness fill them, surround them, knowing in your heart that this is your most wonderful way of togetherness.

Think of your nearest and dearest people . Forgive them for anything that you think they have done wrong or are doing wrong at this time. Fill them with your forgiveness. Let them feel that you accept them. Let that forgiveness fill them. Realizing that this is your expression of love.

Now think of your friends. Forgive them for anything you have disliked about them. Let your forgiveness reach out to them, so that they can be filled with it, embraced by it.

Think of the people you know, whoever they might be, and forgive them all for whatever it is that you have blamed them for, that you have judged them for, that you have disliked. Let your forgiveness fill their hearts, surround them, envelope them, be your expression of love for them.

Now think of any special person whom you really need to forgive. Towards whom you still have resentment, rejection, dislike. Forgive him or her fully. Remember that everyone has dukkha. Let this forgiveness come from your heart. Reach out to that person, complete and total.

Think of any one person, or any situation, or any group of people whom you are condemning, blaming, disliking. Forgive them, completely. Let your forgiveness be your expression of unconditional love. They may not do the right things. Human beings have dukkha. And your heart needs the forgiveness in order to have purity of love.

Have a look again and see whether there's anyone or anything, any where in the world, towards whom you have blame or condemnation. And forgive the people or the person, so that there is no separation your heart.

Now put your attention back on yourself. And recognize the goodness in you. The effort you are making. Feel the warmth and ease that comes from forgiveness."

May all beings have forgiveness in their hearts!

I like these meditations and wouldn't the world be a better place if people had more forgiveness in their hearts?

Monday, June 09, 2008

To leave the city or and drunken cyberhate..

So, I'm wondering whether to head out of the city this weekend for some camping action. I can get a space camping in Derbyshire, Edale and I've thought that I could maybe take my bike but I'm unsure as yet whether to go or not. I'd love for A to come with me and share this time, I could treat him as a sort of celebration regarding the end of his course but time will see on that one. If he doesn't want to or indeed has other plans, then I'll head off alone I think, unless he wants to spend the weekend back here together in Nottingham..This I'll happily do and indeed, would love to spend a weekend with him very soon.

People often think you're a bit mad if you camp/walk alone but I'm OK with it. The thing that I find more weird is siting alone in a pub, missing not being with friends to have a drink and get merry with. Saying that, sometimes being alone means that you get chatting to new people and the like..I found this especially in Copenhagen. I cycled to a radical cafe on Blagards Plads, Norrebro, just out of the centre of Copenhagen to watch a gig. Really good gig and political at that, with a lot of left leaning/anarchic people there. I found these people to be friendly, warm, kind and easy company and got talking to a guy who was also alone and who sat opposite me at a table; There was no agenda from this guy, no pick up vibe or whatever but just friendly chat...that was fine and all good by me.

So, tomorrow? A swim I think in this lovely hot weather my body feels the urge to be in water. My Dad swam in a large pond tonight, he's a big lover of fresh water swimming and I keep meaning to go with him...I will one day but I do get fazed out by the muddy bottoms of ponds and not being able to see the bottom of the ponds! Fresh water swimming though? Supposed to be very good for the soul - I did it once, many years ago and who knows? Maybe the urge will return soon..Hampstead apparently, I think it is, has a pond called the Ladies Pond, I'd like to try out this place for sure but also, a big lake in North Wales in Snowdonia where apparently, the water is full of minerals and really good for you..Mmmm swimming in a large lake with no clothes on appeals to me greatly! Naked swimming is the best, it really is! The last time I did that was oh, way back in Greece in 1987, a long time ago amd a different body to what I have now, 2 kids down the line of course!

Whilst drunk the other night, I deleted my Myspace account. I did this a few years ago and regretted it, I don't know this time whether I regret it or not. Part of me is sick of cyberspace fallacies at times, yet the other part of me, likes to find out about new music and keep in touch with mates..So, to rebuild Myspace or not? I don't know, maybe I could have a different focus this time, more of a focus on my poetry and music rather than just about me etc. What do you guys think? I'm confused about it and sort of mad that I spent such a long time building it up to just go and delete it in a drunken moment...Hmm time to ponder this one but in a way, I quite like the fact that my pics are away from the peering electronic world and I feel a different sense of privacy - I feel like I want to simplify my life and go back to a simpler way of being and living..sometimes cyberworld seems so competitive and posey and hence, I guess this is what my drunken mind was thinking when the deleting took place.

Exploding Heart

Last week and the last few days, I've had some weird early morning waking up and feeling like my heart is full of a mighty love! Because of this mad feeling, I was inspired to write this poem...

Exploding Heart

My heart opens wide,
To the universal energy,
Deep down inside -
Reaching out, in you -
Vibration coming through..
Unusually red, warm,
Free from turbulent grey storm,
An all consuming love -
Reaching through dreams, high above,
Is the path then, righteous?
Worthy of the heart's mightiness..
Grind through cloudy troubles,
Conquering passed rubble.
Worthy of the test,
True growth and quest..
Step in the light direction,
Bathe in the exploding heart's salvation.

Sunday, June 08, 2008


Amazing how we all make assumptions and jump to silly conclusions. Or maybe, I'm just a natural carer and worrier! I had a sweet, long chat with A today, which put many things into context and indeed perspective, which is what I felt I needed. I like talking to him, I like laughing and joking with him and most of all, I miss him and circumstances are as such, that I don't know when we'll see each other again at the mo. But these times act like a test in may ways and that's a good shows the strength of feelings that are present for another person and the amount of understanding on both parts.
The key, as always, is to get on with our own lives and keep this as the focus and look forward to the future times ahead..BUT. I want to see him soon! My eldest son goes away in a few weeks so I'm hoping that A may well be able to spend some weekends at mine again, being lazy with me, eating and chilling and basically spending some lovely moments with him like we did back in March time.Time'll tell and we'll see what happens nearer the time..It's weird cos we had a sad and pretty serious fall out back in April but as time has gone by, we've slowly started to gravitate towards being in contact and indeed, spending time together again. This fall out taught me a few lessons in many ways..interesting that it did this...

This warm weather is making me think about my oncoming holiday in Greece..I can't wait and I really look forward to a change of scenery and landscape; it's going to be such a special treat for me and my son that I relish the thought of being there again so much. I invited A to come with me the last time I was lying in his arms..He has no money and I'm not rich enough to be able to help him out..Would be cool to go away with him somewhere, maybe camping soon or maybe I could entice him to a trip to Copenhagen with me? That could be fun cos the first place I'd take him would be Christiania and then the Museum of Erotica..Wow!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Happy Birthday to my lovely 21 year old Nephew Josef

Time eh? Remembering my nephew when he was a baby, lying in his cot to now? Him being taller than me and a man, a lovely sweet, grown up man. Today was a party for him to celebrate his birthday and how sweet to spend time in the company of my family. I enjoy these moments and events but as always, there's always a family trauma. Tonight's trauma was my 19 year old niece getting too drunk and falling out with her Mum, my sister. It's funny to observe these events, I felt sort of blessed that my life is the way it is now. My children seem happy albeit really cheeky and nightmareish at times. I don't feel any pressure anymore re. living with Jake's Dad. I used to hate being around him when he drank too much..he'd become abusive at times and to be honest, I found these threatening at times. As an aunt, watching my niece and npehew grow and develop is a is seeing my own kids.. My niece thinks I'm 'cool' and wishes her Mum was like me. I reminded her that my son probanaly wishes I my sister was his Mum. Children and their parents? A lethal mix at times especially during the teen years.
My niece has a sweet and caring boyfriend...he's a darling, treats her like a queen - as he should!

Observing these beautfiul moments puts life all into perspective and indeed, reminds us what we're here for and indeed how we connect with those with whom we love..


When you offer time,
When you offer love,
He runs....
Far away,
Never to stay.
Not to reply,
Even though I try,
Sadness drops from my eyes.

When energies are harmonius,
When laughter is glorious,
He turns away,
Leaves me to...wait,
Standing -
At the isolated gate,
Pondering my fate,
Wondering if he hates?
My softness and love..

Don't fly away,
Don't leave me astray..
In isolation,
At the gate..
In my fate.

Fuck Me Backwards....

Not literally but you know ehen you get those moments in life when you think that to yourself? Or is this a sort of Northern slang? The reason for me saying this phrase is because I bumped into a friend last night, who I haven't seen for about 13 years! The last time I saw him was back in the mid 90s, I got to know him through him meeting a Danish friend who was staying with me in my old flat. We'd been to a reggae night at the then Sam Fays, as it was called and he came back with us and enjoyed a weekend at my flat.
He spent a sweet time with my mate Nina and then she departed for Denmark and we all carried on with our lives. I used to randomnly bump into him in Notts and indeed, would go to watch him play in gigs as he's a mean Sax and Flute player, he used to play with a band throughout the 90s who started to gain momentum in quite a few areas.
His story of life and musicianship is a fascinating one; Working class boy from council estate, single parent family, got a scholarship to music school in London, has played in many classical concerts and orchestras etc etc, still plays today albeit has experienced a lower than low last 10 years or so but now on the mend again.
Was weird to bump into him, he was stood at the bar looking at me and I didn't acknowledge him as I didn't at first, recognise him..He then said my name, I looked and realised who it was and spent ages chatting to him. He's now busying himself with music projects in the city and looking after his two kids..
I love these moments in life when you've been feeling a bit crap,for whatever reason and then some lightness comes along and brings a ray of happiness back into the dark day..

So, the good thing is, I'll stay in contact with him for sure and keep an eye out for his gigs when he plays..What a delight to bump into good ghosts from the past and he definitely is a proper good soul with a decent and pure heart..

Friday, June 06, 2008

Not My World....

This isn't my world,
The world I belong to,
This isn't my time,
Too late, too worn..
beauty left behind..
Sincerity lost -
At what cost?
What goal?
All an empty hole.
An Achilles heel..?
Wholesome meal..
Stopping the feel?
Preventing heal...
Barbaric shield...
Life fail to yield,,

Musically Challenged

Afther watching This is England, I had to track down who composed the beautiful classical piece that goes with this film and track it down I did. Ludovico Einaudi is the composer and the music is Fuori Dal Mondo. I must get the CD but the music is so challenging to the emotions! Gosh, it sends me off in floods of tears, so to me, this is a quality composer and a quality piece of music plus, two of my favourite instruments are part of the composition; violin and piano..talking of which, I had a dream about a violin last night which has just re-emerged in my head whilst I'm writing this down.

I'm also trying to understand yet agin, why people who you contact don't respond? It sends me into a flurry of insecurities, emotions and worries. I'm the sort of person who takes things inwardly and head down the self- loathe route which is so destructive but then I do something quick to alleviate that by making arrangements to see friends and remind myself that I am a good person and deserve to be treated how all people want to be treated, with acknowledgement, respect, love, kindness and all of those qualities that we humans so desire. So today and last night I've been feeling a little full of woe but I will not go down the destructive path of yesteryear and I will not go down the roads that I've been down previously where love and emotion are concerned.

So Ludovico, check this guy's music out and be truly prepared to go on a deeply profound, emotional and beautiful journey people...

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

This is England

This is England? Great film and well needed. The trouble is though, will ALL of those who watch it, understand its irony or will they think that Shane Meadows may be racist? I think this film highlights some really important points today and indeed that have been with us for a long time about racism, patriotism, isolation and loneliness.

And what a apt time to release this film when racism and patriotism are gaining ground again in many areas of the UK. Last night I heard the news about many immigrant Pole workers being subjected to racist attacks. Children are still growing up in areas where racism and patriotism are thriving; children take their parents and peers as role models and thus, may follow the same attitude of their ignorant families or peers.
I was fortunate to have grown up in a family with a non racist Mother and Father. Our neighbours were very different. As a child my parents fostered many children and amongst them some were from the African Carribean community, I remember one day, whilst we walked down the street with our foster brother and sister, my Mum said 'Hello', to a neighbour. She looked at my Mum with disgust and ignored her. This was my first experience of what racism was about - and it upset my Mum profoundly. I grew up with kids who were next generation Asian or Afro Carribean and to see them endure racism and attacks from others, would really upset me..yet this continues today, 30 or so years from the time that I was achild and this mortifies me in many ways..

Thus, This is England, is nostalgic to me in that the comraderie of Woody and his mates, along with their teen house parties and Ska/Punk music reminds me, of part of my teen years. Combo and his rascist bullshit reminds me about men who were around back then and who are still today, who worshipped anything to do with Patriotism and Racism..but really, deep down I feel these men were lost souls, who felt adrift in a changing world and not knowing how to cope with it - Indeed torn between what their parents and peers' views were and struggling to find their way or indeed, go against the grain of how they'd been brought up/what they'd been brought up to believe in. Men who have only known how to react with anger and violence cos that's all they've seen and understandly so, to react as such if that's what the role model throughout their life has been and indeed, as society implies, what a male is 'supposed' to be like. Indeed, when Combo says to little Shaun...

'Real men don't cry'

This puts it all in a nutshell for me. Real men DO cry and should cry..we're all human beings with an emotional capacity that includes the need and indeed, ability to cry to let out our emotions..I guess the words 'Real men don't cry', float around many a man's head still, sadly today.

So This is England? As far as I'm concerned, I feel this film is a masterpiece, it raises ever important issues about ongoing racism that needs to be acknowledged by people and changed, issues that are still present today in society and indeed the continuation of violence to people, just because of the colour of their skin.. It also raises important questions about masculinity and the isolation males feel which I think is an ongoing issue and indeed struggle, for many men.. Viva La Revolution!! It has to be said that Capitalism always seems to continue to didvide people rather than unite people and indeed, makes scapegoats out of people.
Let people live their lives in peace, equality, free from poverty and violence and with fairness..

Hoping that I may get to see A this weekend at some point, would be good to chat with him about this film and indeed, spend time again with him but childcare is limited this weekend..however, older sons do have good uses at times! And bribery works well with my son - not very ethical I guess but teens are SO self-centred I guess, arent they?

Poems and the rebirth of writing them..

So poetry? I used to write poems years ago, around the age of 20, when I lived on my own in a bedsit in the Sherwood Rise area of Nottingham..My master to writing poems? The break up of a two year relationship with someone who back then, I felt I wanted to spend my life with..he messed my head emotionally; one minute he wanted to spend his life with me, the next, he'd change his mind..We lived together in a small flat and shared many sweet times.In many ways he was a proper gentlemen and a wonderful boyfriend; took me out for good meals even though we didn't have loads of money, went to the cinema, gigs, parties, walks, photographing expeditions where we'd take lots of photos of each other but mainly he'd take photos of me cos he was training to be a photographer, make home made wine and drink together, read together, backpacked around the Greek Islands for a month..etc, all of the things you do with a person that you want to be with..I was VERY in love with him so when I realised our relationship was ending, I think I had a mini breakdown - taking an overdose almost happened but luckily, I went to ring my Mum instead on the day that I almost did it and this brought me back to the real world..I shortly after, moved back home and then got a job abroad..escaped you could say.

I used to write down my feelings and then write them into some sort of poem, I carried on with this whilst living in Denmark but then, when I had my first son, poetry sort of got put on the back burner.

So today? I've been recently compiling all of my poems over the last 3 years that I've written - there's LOADS! I didn't realise that I'd wrote so many..I want to print them all out and put them into a folder..Just in case my PC ever breaks down and I lose them..

I enjoy writing poems but I only do it when I feel a sense of inspiration to write, this is usually caused by some sort of emotional trigger..and they aren't always just aimed at love etc but can be about the system and the injustice that I see around me and others in the world..

It's weird, re-reading poems from 3 years ago, is like a sort of diary of feelings and emotions..I'm glad that I started writing poems back then and I don't think I'd have written poetry without the profound inspiration and emotional awakening I felt..
Viva La Poetry!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Symbolism and Dreams

I had a rather unnerving dream last night, I won't go into the details but it's sort of made me think again about dreams and - what this dream is telling me and whether I should take heed from the image that I saw.. I know this sounds mad and the like but I've had dreams like this in the past, that have seemed to warn me or show me somrthing in the future and then they've come true on some level..

I did go for a first session of counselling yesterday so maybe my mind was a little unsettled from this experience too.. I was asked to think about the sort of things that I'd like to work on during counselling and maybe this is where the trigger in the dream came from as I mentioned: Past relationship/s, behaviours, escapism, Mother's death, children etc etc..a lot of things to work through and a lot of sadness/emotion along the way I guess..I don't know whether I'm strong enough just yet to face these emotions and I'm scared about what they'll unveil/change in me. My friend said that I must go - I'm not so sure - I think I'm shit scared to open up and spew forth my feelings and hurt my throat - I say this cos when I get upset, I get that lump in my throat..that roadblock of communication feeling..

I know that I don't want to lose out anymore in life and maybe this is what the dream is referring to?

On a lighter note, I watched This is England last night - One word - Awesome!

Monday, June 02, 2008

Still, calm, wild night

Mounting the sparkling wheels
Flying through the cool night air,
Isolated, industrial wasteland -
Beauty erupts everywhere..

Blurry vision entangled,
Limbs locked together for hours,
Bathe in the sweatfull shower
Magnetising, beautiful power,

Gentle as a graceful butterfly,
Wild lion mastery,
Bite from the sweet, tender nectar
Trancendingly lovingly - free..

Wrapped in the warmth of love given,
Sleep in the arms holding tight,
Breathing to the beat of life force
The universe continues its course..

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Herbal Remedies

Recently, I was talking to A about the cure for eye problems/sores..If there are any ailments in my family, I first try out the herbal route then orthodox meds if the herbal route fails. I reccommended Eyebright to A which is, in the horticultural (latin word) world known as 'Euphrasia Officialis' - what a beautful word! I'd love to get back into herb cultivation. Haven't grown any for quite some time and the only herbs that are alive in my garden at the mo are, Lavender - good for relaxation, Feverfew - renowned for aiding menstrual cramps and headaches, and the potent Rue.

My Dad has promised to do some cuttings of culnary hers for me but I think I may try to cultuvate some Medicinal herbs again..Maybe I should completely change careers and study horticulture/herbalism? Hmm flirted with the idea many moons back and gasped at the cost of studying but with a career development loan, these things are possible...

Anyway, check out this sweet/magical website regarding the more deeper look into herbs/trees/funghi and healing..,Trees&Fungi/Herbs/Eyebright/Factsheet1.htm

Italian food, Bike Riding, Birthdays, Music

The title of this post pretty much sums up the last few days in Sara world. Dear friends invited me to an Italian themed meal at their house on Friday evening; Anti pasti, home made spinach and ricotta ravioli and Tirammisu downed with copious amount of Italian wine..a truly delightful evening in the company of lovely people..I then cycled over to A's at midnight in the cool but close, early summer midnight air..Was wonderful to cycle at night but a bit daunting to cycle through a semi industrial yet nature reserve area, has great cycle lanes all the way close to where A lives though but as a lone woman, with noone around and an enclosed space, felt a little eerie at times - my legs cycled as fast as they could but weirdly, the place felt sort of nice and yet spooky at the same time..the cycle lanes are lit really well though and there was only sight of one more human being in this area, a lone workman on his to way to his night shift work I assume.

Spent the next day with A being lazy and having a sweet, funny and happy time.I like these moments with him, our energy is good together and luckily, he's almost through his finals to his qualification.

I returned home at 4.30pm and hurried myself ready for my friend's 30th birthday at the lovely Kayal restaurant in Nottingham; south east asian food - very delicious but didn't/don't like the breads - I'm a old stickler of trad nan breads of the Pakistani variety! Ended up in a club and was going to visit A again but things went a bit pear shaped due to missing calls and then connecting for me to be already back at home! Shame to miss each other really but still, had a sweet late night chat with him.

Today, I'm taking things easy. Been listening to an old Moby CD - Hotel.. Really liking some of the tunes and love Laura Dawn's voice on this CD. I love the lyrics too, to the track Slipping Away - really melancholic but at the same time positive and full of hope...

All that we needed was right
The fresh hold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to meant
Oh and we leave here, the seas

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on people that slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

So long
So long

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people that slipping away