Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wednesday Thoughts...

Today, I woke up full of cold! So, I spent the day in bed...I read yesterday about Union Busters..these guys are nasty shits and need bombing off the planet - basically, hired by employers to work against staff joining a union! Crapness! Companies who've used these services according to the article were -
Virgin Atlantic
T Mobile

I got really scared last night when the Earth tremor happened..5.4 on the scale and it has to be said, I panicked even mroeso because I'm all alone now so felt scared cos I had no-one to share my fear with! Dear me, it put a few things into perspective that's for sure!

Today I had random texting back and forth with A, I'm planning to go and see him at this week, all being well. He was at Uni working again and I guess again, he did his Reggae radio show last night.He played one of shows back to me last week and it sounded cool although he reckons only a few peeps prob listen in...I'm finding it quite hard to 'trust' certain aspects on some levels, I won't go into detail but I realise I need a rebirth in my thoughts and I need to take things day by day and just enjoy moments and try to stay free from analysing things and seeing the worst in scenarios, mistrusting and the like..dear me..

I sent the book back to B with a sweet card with best wishes greetings. I had a very small chat with him on Sunday due to his sending me an email, but he was busy and didn't want to talk about stuff that's happening for him, which is indeed, fair enough. I think he needs proper time to sort his head out about so much stuff that has happened over the past few years and thus, I feel, he's vulnerable at the moment.

I have a friend's wedding to attend this weekend...I'm looking forward to it but hope this cold lifts.. I'm not looking forward to a visit to the hospital next week..I'm finally being good to my body and getting a general women's health check and other stuff checked out, which I meant to do ages ago and never did, so this will let me know whether I'm OK or whether I'm not...Fingers crossed all will be good!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Little Girl Lost

Where has she been?
The angelic being?
What happened?
To the girl,
Now the woman?
Who painted -
Blues, whites, turquoises?
Became tainted -
By emptiness -
The glass cracked..
Head became full -
Heavy and dull.
Head bowed,
Full of grey cloud..
The heart heavy -
Weighted by black lead.
Unleash -
Rebirth of she,
Open and free,
Far and wide -
The next stride.....

Friday, February 22, 2008

Wake Up Call

Woke up at 7.30am via text by A, inviting me over today, sarcastic banter between the texts but funny aswell! But, I've already planned to see mates tonight, however I said that I could spend tomorrow with I plan to cycle over to his, which is a good thing cos there's cycle lanes all the way to where he is although I was rather worried about leaving my bike outside as he lives in a renowned dodgy area but has a nice flat, it has to be said. I can leave my bike inside so that's all good! I guess I'll take the day as it comes..maybe take some wine over and go with the flow..Gosh..

He also shocked me today cos he's been up all night at uni doing some work towards his final dissertation, however he manages to stay awake all night, totally beats me!!
Today? Shopping for some outfit for my friend's wedding next week, swim, sauna and then meet mates and all being well, off to Moog for some techno and may even ring A and pay him an early morning visit!

Hoorah for the weekend...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Miracles of Life

I received the book 'Miracles of Life' by JG Ballard yesterday. I've been engrossed ever since. Such a good writer is he, such a compassionate baing, such an imaginative and all seeing writer. His ability to see beyond the mainstream, the 'perceived normality' and indeed, conformity. I will jot down a few quotes at some point from his bok that have really struck a chord with me..

Today, I sat on the tram reading and a guy sat next to me, weirdly I could feel an odd sort of enegy resonating from him..nothing threatening or horrible, but rather a warmth and friendliness but he also seemed so timid and at one point knocked my book as he pressed the bell to get off at the next stop..he looked at me with such a sense of regret and indeed timidity, I was touched by this but also humbled..I smiled and acknowledged through my body language that is was really quite alright and there was nothing to worry about. It's weird and indeed so positive that in life, we have these little moments of insight and indeed, inner warmth.

Ballard discusses the human condition so well in his autobiograhy and indeed the flaws that we are all able to hold.

Today I'm also thinking about trust, instinct, fear of getting close, insecurity, feeling a big sense of regret about letting A down - BUT, I have to remember that he has let me down on more than one occasion and I guess if we are to remain friends, then this let downs HAVE to stop. Not quite sure what all the other thoughts are all about but I'm working slowly through them..I wrote this quick non sensical poem to try and deal with a few things..

Wrap the cover around me tight,
Push away and deny - fight,
Non believing sincerity,
Shadow remains
Other's insincerity.
Who, what, why?
To believe?
The mind's a maze,
Pushing back and forth,
Self protection will suffice,
Block thoughts again, twice.
Return will occur,
Happiness I hope to incur...
Worthy? Who me?

Delayed reaction..
Non believing satisfaction.
Tender soul
Not wanting to hurt,
Torn childhood,
A gaping big hole..
He knows when the time's right
To open his heart,
To tell the hurt,
But for now he needs safety,
And only when we feel trust,
Talk to me, if he feels he must..
Understand I truly will,
Ready for him to cast away - the bitter pill.
Of what went before..

Have a good weekend, I want to see A but I feel shy to ask..Arghhh. No more analysing Sara, just get on with life and the rest will follow...sort of like a shadow, if you chase it - you never catch it but if you stand still, it comes to you..

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I think I'm falling, not my intention but I think I am...

So, I've been thinking about Saturday night and indeed the events over last Friday and Saturday. Gangstaman, who I will now call A, as you know, invited for me to dinner.. I feel sort of bad that I had to change plans because of my friend's stuff and I feel a little like I've let him down, this I really didn't want to do..BUT he's let me down a little in the past and I guess I thought he may've done it again, in the back of my mind...However, I do remember a conversation we had about letting each other down and that he was sorry and could we stop..

All of these thoughts I'm having, are making me realise that I think I'm falling for him quite a bit. I've tried to resist this cos I'm quite fearful of falling for someone again but I honestly think I am..deary me. I've been replaying conversations that we had on Saturday, I've been thinking of my embarrassing pissedup behaviour - can't belive I was so rauccously loud and silly. Can't believe I said to him that

'i bet someone bought you that rose that you're giving to me and you're just trying to sweeten me up by giving it to me'

How bad is that?????? This truly shows my issues around trust and the like, not happy about this.. What a sweet sentiment to buy a flower for someone when they've been invited for dinner. I feel ashamed, truly ashamed.

I feel that it's only right to make an apology to A and explain a few things..I hope he understands..

Dear me, I'm falling, I know it, I'm remebering how sweet and lovely he looked lying with his hood up, all cosy in bed and with his unshaven face..dear me...CALM DOWN SARA, I need to ensure that I keep it all real for sure...Then again, I've known him now for a good 7 months, whereby the contact has been random but becoming more and more frequent..Hmmm. We'll see, we'll see...

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Random mentalness

So, I was invited to my friend Gangstaman's, for a meal that he was going to cook last night. I haven't seen him for ages but we speak most weeks and have long, deep conversations about many things..he seems to be opening up in many ways and indeed showing a sense of trust, which for him, I feel is's sort of nice to get to know him slowly, I like this fact.
Anyway, the meal? Other stuff cropped up in the form of a mate needing some support so I agreed to meet up with her. In the end, we ended up going into the city, pub crawling up towards Radford and then ending up at a club night that I really enjoyed. Gangstaman said to ring him if I were in the city, so I did!

Ended up paying him a visit in my inebriated state and what a lovely visit it was too! He makes me laugh and he's a tender-hearted soul, under the hard exterior. I'm glad I saw him. The more I see him, the more irresistible I'm finding him!
He gave me a flower for Valentine's Day, which I thought was rather sweet but repsonded with a ridiculous comment, I guess I too, am having difficulties with trust issues, sadly, I forgot to bring the flower home with me....Hmmph.. He's invited me to a night he's involved with and indeed DJing at, in April, at The Maze. To go or not to go? That is the question.
So, as I sat amongst the freezing frost, being driven back home this morning, Nottingham Embankment and the Meadows, had a rather rosy beautiful feel to the air and the scenery..I should've suggested a walk with Gangstaman before I departed, that would've been truly delightful..

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Alcohol Ruination

Oh fuckinada, again, I have a HORRIBLE hangover. I went for a GORGEOUS curry last night at Shabab Nan Kebab, a wicked curry house in Radford, Nottingham where you can take your own wine, and take it we did! The whole meal came to £10 each for a main meal, popadoms and nans. CHEAP or what? Good tasty food too and the staff were absolutely wonderful.
BUT I HATE having hangovers, it ruins my day so much. I'd planned to -
Buy in some food for next week.
I only think I'll only realistically manage to swim and buy food now. What a fucking waste of a Saturday and a gorgeous one at that.

I didn't receive any Valentine's cards again, oh well, I guess noone loves me right now...OK so Valentine's is commercial bullshit but I'm afraid I'm still a romantic at heart and like such trivialities. My kids thought I'd sent them their cards, I said I hadn't, I lied to them and said I didn't write like the writing in the cards, whether they believe me remains to be seen...but still, it's nice for them to think they may have a secret admirer!

I'm missing Beloved, I'm missing having no contact and I wish I knew how he was doing. I really hope things are OK for him and hope he's over the initial shock of his stuff from a few weeks back.. Everyday he still enters my thoughts and I think he always will, it's just a shame that so many things change and so many timings are so wrong. Maybe I was just alone in my thoughts all of the times of knowing him but I truly believe instinctively that I wasn't. Who knows, maybe the mind and heart plays more tricks on us than we care to believe...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Memory Fluid

Memories, like water -
To a new place,
New dawn,
Gently roll,
They slowly trickle,
Drip, drop,
To a sparkle,
Of stream, puddle,
To dust,
Brown and hazy,
A silhouette,
Of what's passed before -
The eyes,
Soreness, red,
Become the memories -
Of yesteryear...
So clear.
Now drowned
Without a sound.

Monday, February 11, 2008

To Blog or not to Blog? That is the question..

So, I've been blogging now for quite some time and indeed, have gained alot of supportive words and enjoyable moments from people who comment..Part of me is finding myself wandering more and more away from typing my thoughts down and instead keep randomnly jotting notes down, as they come forth in my mind. I sometimes feel like I should keep my blog up then other times, I can't be bothered. My time is so limited too, I'm spending less and less time in Cyberworld and concentrating on building up my relationship with my kids because I do feel that I've been somewhat 'emotionally absent and vacant' from them a little, especially since the death of my Mother and the break up of my long term relationship. I guess really, I've had a shit load of stuff to work through as best as I could and this is where blogging has helped me..YOU PEOPLE have helped me very much, more than you'll probably ever know! I think I've managed to stay just above water although at times I felt like I was truly sinking..I guess all of these things are sent to test and guide us in some way, to the path we should be travelling on...

Tonight I watched The Wall, I love this film and I love Pink Floyd. The Wall is such an inspiring and evocative film really and it's so relevant today, as it was back then in the 80s..Memories flooded in whilst I watched this film

- Pink cardigan knitted by my grandma
- Mum and Dad's living room settee
- Excitement when the kids riot in the school
- Feeling uncomfortable yet truly in awe of such a quirky, far out film that had such a good message.
- Feeling like life was just beginning yet darkness too, has a certain attraction and magnetism

Wow, watch the film guys and let it remind you about teen/past memories.

Thursday, February 07, 2008


It's a truism that one writes and is indeed more creative when there is friction around, or a troubled heart. I listened to an interesting interview with Dame Beryl Bainbridge who replicated these words aswell.
I've never read any of her work but her life sounds fascinating, troublesome, interesting and colourful.

One for the author list to read, for sure!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Women who love too much

I've started to read a book that a good friend bought for me for 40th birthday - Women who love too much. It's a sort of self help book with case studies and real life situations thrown in. It's actually struck a chord in some ways especially the bit about fear of intimacy. I'm going to take my time to read it and let it sink in good and proper and then come to my conclusions about my own life and love that I offer and indeed think about what my own situation.

Today I bought two Valentine's cards, both for my sons. I can't wait to see their faces when they wake up to a card in the morning of Valentine's Day, I just need to adopt a few new writing styles!

This weekend is a quiet one for me.I'm hpping to attend the Chinese New Year celebrations and fireworks close by and maybe go for a meal with my son to a chinese restaurant later on.. we'll see. I'm also free from work after tomorrow so time to rest a little and enjoy time with my sons for the holiday period.
The news has been interesting of late, what with the US election stuff, debates about unemployed people being kicked out of council housing etc etc, I really wonder where we're heading for the future...

Monday, February 04, 2008

Weekend rants

Well, I was unusually merry today after a weird sort of weekend. I had a lovely swim on both Friday and Saturday, followed by a sauna..truly lovely.
Saturday night, I met with friends and went to a Percussion night which was enjoyable but funnily enough, I started to feel rather empty and indeed, wondered what I was realy doing there...OK so vultures were flying around trying to get female attention but I really am not interested anymore in meeting guys like this. They're always either

a. Too pissed
b. Too high
c. Off their tits
d. Insincere
e. Dishonest.

I bumped into a friend who I used to work with at a hostel. It was wonderful to see him, last time I saw him we got stoned together in a small room and had a real laugh. This time, he made me really laugh again..I forced him to buy me a jaegermeister and then cracked up at the bar with the jokes he was telling me. He now has a girlfriend, which at one point in the night, I realised I had to back off from chatting to him as his girlfriend kept watching us and indeed, may've well felt uncomfortable and the last thing I want to do is tread on anyone's relationship. I remember way back in the last club I saw him in, he said something really profound which made me go home and reflect. It made me cry. It touched me but also made me realise a few things about me, not bad things but how my confidence, back then, was pretty crap really. I wish I could've spent more time chatting to him but it wasn't to be. Oh well.
A friend made me feel a little odd when she was asked out on a date; this made her look at herself and feel fat. She feels fat. She isn't fat. I feel fat when women, who are slim, say they feel makes me focus on my body image and this, is negative and indeed, destructive! I am IN NO WAY going down the eating disorder route- did it when I was 14 upwards, will never revert back to guilt shit again. Dangerous, dodgy, destructive, narcissistic ground.

I shopped online at Asda. Don't do it! Greatly let down and I'm writing aletter of complaint! My anger reached epic proportions tonight and I can't even be bothered to detail you with the crap!

Beloved? I texted him to see how he was. He's angry at the world and angry at me...and I guess, feels hugely let down. I feel sad for him but if he chooses to see me as a bad person and generalise about me as a woman, then he really has no idea who/what I am about. This is profoundly meaninful, insightful to me; I don't think, on reflection, he knows who I am.. just jumps to conclusions and lumps me in with women who he's had bad experiences with.Sad that you spend nearly 3 years of your life with this person in your universe to get to where we are today.
I don't think he meant his anger and rants, he's just fed up and projecting. I told him my feelings and that they'll always remain. He can do with that what he wants. I guess he feels burdened by women, his situation and possibly by me right now. I explained that I've always tried to understand him and be kind and good to him..this is what you do when feelings are just 'understand' that person.I don't know if he cares, or is even bothered - but deep down, I feel he must care a little cos I know that he does reflect. In my heart, I think he'll be thinking about what he's said to me..and what I've said to him and indeed, reflecting about it all..

So, it's Jake's Birthday on Valentine's Day. This Valentine's year for me? A birthday celebration for Jake and I guess, a quiet night in alone. I don't think there's any point in sending Valentine's wishes. I did last year but it was received with negativity and disdain, even though Beloved might've never known that the card sent was from me, I don't think it's worth sending wishes this year..and I doubt that I will recieve anything, I tend not to really.

So there you go, a weird, fun-ish, contemplative sort of time of it really.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

The Lovers

I've recently discovered a quite obscure band called 'the Lovers'. They hail from France but live in Sheffield calling themselves 'Yorkshire Froggies'! Very funny.
Their music is a crossover of electronic/traditional cabaret sounding/french cafe style/Jazzy. All an interesting mix in my opinion.

Anyway, I found out that they are playing live in Sheffield this month, so I really want to go and see them! They're playing in a late night bar which sounds interesting and it's in a location just behind Sheffield Cathedral!

Check them out if you like fairly obscure music!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Enjoyment and light

The weekend's finally here and I'm ready to kick back. Had a chilled sort of week, did a good swim today and will do another tomorrow with the sauna thrown in for healthy glow purposes!
Jake's Dad is settling well into his place and we're getting on a lot better now that we have our own respective spaces. In fact, we shared a take away curry last night as he'd had a few more things to sort out and it seemed easier to eat together. I'm glad we're able to communicate on an amicable level. In many ways he's such a sweetheart but it's sad to think he never got his act together and chose to live his life in a way that he felt was right for him, even though it was wrong for me to be so clouded and stifled by this. I guess this is how we find out truly about others when we live with them. Oh well, 11 years was a long time to be together even though the last 3 years were very much a separate forced togetherness, if that makes sense?
So, this weekend I have a free time. My son stays with Dad 3 weekends out of 4 and thus, this is another free weekend for me. Next week will be with Jake and I'll plan to do a lot of fun things with him, Chinese New Year celebrations being one of them!
My eldest son is always out and about enjoying life; Tomorrow he babysits for my brother as it's his birthday on Monday and that'll be coiol for him to earn a little extra money! My brother will prob get arseholed and pass out - he's a bit of a hardcore drinker when he really celebrates something..

I'm off out tomorrow night to Percussion club night. I haven't been to one for quite some time so it'll be good to experience this night again..I'm hoping to meet with a few mates and then head down together. Tomorrow daytime I may do some more housey things and maybe visit a gallery..I really want to repaint my bedroom but I'm having difficulty choosing a colour!

So I here's to enjoyment and a feeling of light in my life.

Have a good weekend people :-)