Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Full frontal....

Headaches? Anyone get them? Anyone know what 'fogging' of the head ius about? Fuck me, my head's been getting such a mad feel of crushing and fogging, that it's hard to think at times and indeed remember things! Indeed, this is the first time in years that I've bought a smnall pocket diary to remind me of things that I have planned in the future - I think my brain has completely shut down on some level!

I hope to go and meditate Friday lunch time at the Buddhist centre for an hour; they hold a weekly guided meditation with lunch afterwards..will be nice to feel serene in an inner city setting..will be good to ground and just be for an hour or talking, peace, quiet, love and the rest of what goes with Buddhist philosophy.

Today my Dr's visit was fine, she said that 'ive stopped the world and got off and that, this is at times, needed by people..I definitely need it and I really don't know when I'll feel ready to return to work..I know that the work demands are too much for me to deal with at this moment in time. I need to focus on one thing at a time and take things lightly and easy right now. I still realise that my feelings are still very strong for A, I miss him and what we shared in the time we grew to know each other, the emotional and physical intimacy, the opening of our hearts about different things and feelings, the mutual support at times, thus I need to focus solely on this right now...and indeed work through all of this..It'll be interesting to see him again soon..

Gotta sign out now, my head hurts when I think too much and thus, time to stop the world, writing and stop thinking!

Have a good rest of the week people...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A wave of fresh air

Last night I received a text from A..this was regarding a bracelet that he still has at cut a long story short, I should be going over to his on Friday to pick it will be good to see him again..we had texting back and forth about stuff but I think the best now is the virtue of forgiveness...I truly hope this will be and can be, the outcome. I look forward to seeing him and hopefully, spend some time with him finding out how he's been doing and how his studies are going. I have missed him and the sweet times we've shared..I guess, if I'm honest with myself, my sadness has been tainted by the fact that I felt a huge sense of loss when the contact with him stopped..

Anyway, keeping it all real, I went for a well needed swim today..I was supposed to go to Yoga but the plans went pear shaped due to home stuff and thus, swimming was the outcome of the day for me..I then went to see my youngest son's school play..very sweet and these things always tug at my heartstrings for sure.

Tomorrow, I have a Drs appointment and a few checks to see how my general health is and then Environmental Health visiting me regarding pigeons in my neighbour's loft which are now entering my loft..eeeeekkkk! I want them GONE! So, a busyish day and here's to the rest of the week ahead!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Hmm unsure and uncertain

So, I've had a lazy Saturday today apart from a swim which was good. I received a late phone call from the person I had a chat with last night. He invited me out for a drink tonight. I declined as I'm too tired and I have too much going round my head at the moment regarding A and the upset of the break with him.. Instead, he asked if I'd like to meet in the week at some point..I told him that maybe we could meet for a coffee one day in the week, whilst I'm still off work. The thought of this though, fills me with dread at the moment and sends me into a panic but I know that if we met for a chat and coffee, I'm sure all would be fine and in fact, will probably have a nice time, in all reality;I do like meeting people from different cultures and I like to be around genuine people..My instinct tells me that he is genuine and a good person, from a respectable and caring family back in South Africa..sounds like a truly delightful place where he's from - lots of coastline and sunshine.
I don't know, I guess I'll see how I feel towards mid week and see how I'm feeling emotionally..It would be nice to have a platonic friendship and indeed, learn more about S African culture and discuss criminolgy/academic stuff again with someone..

So, off to bed for real now and hopefully I'll sleep like a baby.

Who Am I?

I guess we all ask this questions of ourselves at certain times in our life. I know for sure, that I'm a very sensitive and emotional person - always have been, always will be! For God's sake, I used to pull my hair out as a child, I used to run away from home in the hope that someone would come looking for me..I craved love and attention, for some strange reason. I know this is why I'm susceptible as an adult, to become upset so easily and yet, I also know this is why I am able to be very compassionate, forgiving and empathetic.I have an enormous heart and the trouble is with that, is that I give of it freely and without question..those who I becomne fond of, I open my heart to them and show much affection and warmth.

Today, I dreamt about A. We were lying in bed together and I was playing with and plaiting his lovely red hair..We were happy and content. I was sort of panicking that he was lying in my bed cos he hadn't met my kids yet and I felt that this wasn't the right way for them to meet him! I woke up and then realised that this was all a dream..I felt grumpy and fed up that this wasn't real..I wanted to go back to sleep and relive this. I am missing him very much, my belly aches because of this and when I think about him I just keep getting sad..But, I'm determined to move forward and get on with other stuff and time will be the teller about him.

So me, Too giving maybe? Too heartfull? Too Kind? But these qualities are ones that I'm proud about and indeed, want to retain. If people can't handle these, then that's their problem and really, truthfully, I should be spending these qualities on those who appreciate them and indeed, nurture them...maybe somepeople just can't handle my fullonness! Ah well, that's me and I like being as such..

Carnival in London tomorrow to which I'm looking very forward to..breath of fresh air, lots of dancing and fun. I await!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


I had a visit from a colleague today, my line manager. She said I looked tired and after much discussion, she thought I was definitely not ready to come back to work. She informed me that everything would be fine for the rest of the year, if indeed, I need such time out. We discussed the whys and wherefors about my exhaustion but I din't go to heavily into my personal stuff; The past few years have been a test emotionally and I guess the break with A the issues with my teen son and the move at work, sort of, were like the final nail in my emotional coping coffin.

I feel very supported from work and from my line manager. I found talking to her for too long a struggle and indeed, felt like my head was hurting and in need of complete silence and peace. Thinking about work started to panic me and indeed, made me become stressed and anxious.

I think this has been heading my way for some time but I just haven't seen the signs and indeed, have buried my head in 'just getting on with it', 'being strong', 'partying hard to escape' etc etc..

I've been reseaching the internet about such breakdowns in emotions and found this which I think is maybe what I'm experiencing..

Collapse in social roles: Inability to keep doing day-to-day job and playing your usual part in family/ social life.

Emotional: Constant worrying, anxiety, feeling everything is out of your control and you are trapped.

Why does it happen?
Breakdowns are caused by the interaction of the internal and the external, yet there is always a trigger or catalyst. Breakdowns are often associated with a major life event, such as a bereavement or a broken relationship. Whether such life events cause a breakdown depends upon the individual's ability to cope with the situation. Those who are more vulnerable at the time are therefore more at risk.

It's not all bad - if you receive the right treatment a breakdown can be turned into a breakthrough. If well managed it can enlighten the person as to what went wrong, and help them to come out the other side as a better person. It can teach you about yourself and your coping strategies and help you deal better with stress and challenging situations in the future.

I found this info interesting, enlightening, could relate to it completely and indeed, that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel..Time and peace are a great healer..I'm tempted to book a stay away in a cottage in Wales. I love Wales and I think I may return to Harlech..I loved it the last time I was there and if I book now, I can go in school time and get it for a cheaper price. The change of scenery and sea air will be good for me and I know it will refresh me very much. I really hope to do this and I look forward to it, if I do...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ups and downs and a round and around

Time off work always gives you so much time to think! I'd planned to try and do 'housey' things but then I've not felt up to it, so I've just rested and been lazy..I guess this is realistically what one should do to recouperate and build up energy and enthusiasm again.

I received a phone call from a women's project about counselling..£7.50 for a 50 min session with a trained counsellor. This is brilliant! I'm looking forward to this albeit a little apprehensive about opening up, feeling shit, working trhough things and moving forward..unpeeling the layers of sadness and hurt and indeed coming out better from this experience, HOPEFULLY!

I'm feeling more patient with my kids again and not flying off the handle at any old thing, which means the rest is diefinitely what I need.

I keep thinking about A and what he meant/means to me..why he came into my life, why I let him in so much, why I got so close to him, why I feel let down so much, why why why, all of these whys. I guess when you open your heart to someone, bearing in mind that we'd been in contact since last August, we'd grown to discuss many things and shared many feelings..I guess this is why I'm so sad because to share such feelings, time and energy, when you're pushed away, this just makes you feel worthless and meaningless..
Part of me wonders whether he got scared, felt too out of control and worried where things might lead..I truly don't believe you canshare such intimate moments and not have 'feelings' for a person..this is why I guess I feel he got scared and panicked..maybe. I hope one day we can sit down and talk properly about these things..I need to talk through my feelings with him and maybe find closure with him or maybe try and work through stuff with him..who knows? Maybe I'll never see him again.all sadness really.

I've been enjoying listening to some Mexican Hip Hop - Control Machete - Mucho Barato..excellent cd. My kids think I'm mad, I'm not your usual mother material, that's for sure..I mean..Hip Hop? Do many Mum's at 40 listen to this????? Dear me, I'm a 25 year old stuck in a 40 year old body with the wisdom of a ? who knows what age!

Yoga and Relaxation

Today I went to Yoga again, haven't been for quite some time but it was truly wonderful to go and get some proper relaxtion and headspace. The teacher, is an old favourite, who I've been taught by in the past; Spritual, humourous, women centred, kind, thoughtful and brilliant at what she does. I almost cried as she was talking the session through a meditation because of some words that touched me greatly. I felt a lot better for attending the session and will do again whilst I'm off work.

I know I'm not yet ready for returning to work. My mood changes to sadness quite a lot at the moment and I know this is because of the loss I;m feeling regarding the recent events in my life..I keep reflecting about things, people, love, life etc. I keep thinking about the times shared with A more recently and a sadness overcomes me that you can be so intimate with a person one minute to have it all taken away the next. This I find, really difficult to deal with, especially because my feelings for him had grown so much over the past few months of spending time with him. I almost emailed him yesterday then I thought the better of it..I gather that if there is to be contact, then it will come forth in the future. I guess I'm just still missing the contact, banter, love and fun I felt from him.

I don't have many plans this week but I hope to attend the London carnival and I may try and get to a Women's Charity club night event on Friday. Time and energy will be the deciding factor on that score..small steps to better places and times.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

To try and see the lightness...

So, I'm trying my damndest to see the lighter, good things in life and indeed make the good things happen.
I decided to go for a short while to the Highness reggae night tonight. The vibe was good and the music heavy - brill to hear the DJs play Clint Eastwood and General Saint track - Diseases! I love this track and have a copy on 12" vinyl!!!! I chatted to a few people outside, a few guys from Radford, one who was a care worker and who originally came from Jamaica..he said his Mum's name was Sarah too; sweet conversation with sweet, friendly guys. I decided to leave quite early as I felt tired and needed my bed, rest is definitely high on my priority list right now.

I've also received a phone call and a few texts from a one half of the couple I met in Jersey last year, John. These were a lovely couple and I really got on well with both of them. Sadly, J informed me that they've split up and are going their own ways but that he still really wanted to maintain contact with me. I thought this was sweet of him to think about me after such a long time! It was last August when I was in jersey and I've really only had a little bit of contact with them since then. I have been thinking of possibly visiting Jersey again this year and John did mention that if I do visit then I must look him up as he's permanently residing there again. This I may do and it's good to have another friend somewhere else in the world. When I think to the time we all spent together on my holiday, it was great fun. J and his ex girlfriend were most kind, generous, thoughtful and sweet! The sort of people that I want in my life for the future - those who reflect what I am in reality and what I always have been. My friend advised me to write a list of negatives and positives in my life and focus my energy on the positives rather than the negatives - I think this is sound advice and indeed what I am essentially in need of.

I have another 10 days off work before I go the Dr again.. I don't know what the outcome will be but time out is definitely helping me reflect about the past few years and the things that I need to move forward from. A friend suggested that I've reached Burnout with everything and indeed the symptoms I'm describing according to her are that of Burnout. Indeed, I have been working in a very demanding environment for nearly 10 to the some of the most emotionally troubled people you could wish to meet. This is no easy feat really and is making me think about my career for the future.. I'm off to Yoga on Tuesday, in aid of grounding and relaxation. This will be good for me - It really will.

I've also been invited to the Love Music Hate Racism carnival in London on Sunday by my friend Anna. I think I'll go along to this, it'll do me good to get a change of scene and indeed feel the carnival vibe. I'm missing A very much, I'm trying not to focus on it but I'm no good at this being intimate one minute and then having it all pushed away the hurts and it makes me sad but I can't let it keep holding me back...

Off to bed now and ready for sleep.

To go or not to.....?

So, some friends are possibly going to The Highness reggae night at The Social tonight..Contemplating whether to go or not.It's always a fab night with a pretty great atmosphere, albeit with a few peeps who you can tell that reggae and dub isn't really their thing in which case, I wish they wouldn't bother going!It's a waste of dancing space goddamit! What I love about this night is the positivity and enthusiasm of the DJs and toasters/rappers who put on this night; they all have their own style of toasting/rapping and the speed at which they rap determines how you dance and indeed adds even more to the music already.

Today I've been revisting my reggae roots consisting of Gregory Isaacs, Clint Eastwood and General Saint - my, these guys were singing about such poignant issues that are still so relevant today! early (1979) UB40 - Signing Off album which is a true classic, Scientist..always loved Scientist from being a 13 year old!

So maybe the reggae experience will do me good..although my head is tired, I may go along, take it easy on the alchy front and just have a good old dance..It would be nice if one day soon I could see A, to talk about things with him - my feelings, emotions etc but I guess time is a good thing. I guess I'll take it all easy and make sure the night is also not a late one if I do decide to go - I NEED my sleep more than anything at the mo, I really do.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Friday's thoughts

I visited a friend today and chilled out a little. After a while though, I decided I needed to come home - I was tired and wasn't able to think and discuss for too long as it was making me tired and heavy headed..

I've been thinking loads about A and I'm missing him terribly but I have to move forward from this..he's made his decisions and that's that. It doesn't lighten the load any but I do need to get real and stop dwelling..I guess for me, when I meet someone and share deep intimacy and thoughts, I find it hard to just chuck it away into nothingness..I guess this means I need a lot of time alone now to gather my thoughts and myself again. Have a good weekend..

London here I come...

The rest that I am having at the moment, is helping me and indeed giving me time to reflect about many things. Some friends came over last night and we had a take away and some wine. I've got an invite to a friend's tonight. I've also been asked if I'd like to go to the Love Music Hate Racism Carnival in London a week on Sunday, to which I will definitely be going to and it should be great fun. Two of my favourite Dubstep artists are playing alongwith some favourite reggae artists and many other musicians that I like;Should be a refreshing break to leave Nottingham and sample London again for a day! Hooray!

I may head off walking tomorrow but if not, time will tell what I decide to do..One thing's for sure, all small steps, day by day and no pressure on myself, or indeed by others putting pressure on me.

I've been thinking about A and cometo the conclusion that I think he's been really unfair to judge me on one drunken episode. I could've got really angry about how he's let me down on quite a few occasions but I still accepted him for who he was and didn't judge him for this..I guess the moral of that story is..he's in no way on the same level of me regarding forgiveness and understanding..

Here's to a good restful weekend...

Monday, April 14, 2008

General Debility

It's official, I've been signed off work with the above diagnosis. All of this week and last week, I have been consumed with sadness and lethargy. I cried at the Drs and in front of my manager, both were very sweet and understanding. I am in no fit state to be motivating people with numerous emotional and behavioural problems..I am burnt out and in need of respite and reflection and indeed of rebuilding myself.
I think the phone call from A really upset me too on Monday A.M. He explained his reasons for being peed off with me and I explained my side of things. I also have had a lot of stress with my eldest son this week and in fact, since he came back from his Fathers. I also think all of the madness over the past few years has hit me like an avalanche, crushing me out of nowhere! Meaning, I need time out for serious reflection and contemplation.
I'm missing A very much and missing the times and chats that we've shared together. I guess I'm sick of feeling loss and losing out..I know he needs to work on himself and I guess I do on some level. Whether we are friends again in the future remains to be's sad really.

I've decided to go and see someone to talk to, to try and move forward in my life to better and healthier pastures. This is all a good thing in my opinion and is indeed making me look at my life, decisions I've made etc etc, Hopefully, I'll come out feeling able to take on the world again..

Friends have been great; One friend's invited me to a carnival in London next week, another has invited me to hers and maybe to dance somewhere on Saturday..I'm going to seerious take time out and really work out what needs to be changed for the future..I'm still here and in one piece so that's all good!

Saturday, April 12, 2008


After a good break in Edale, I've had time to reflect about stuff. A texted me and without going into detail, we won't be seeing each other again from the sounds of it. I'm sad about this because we get on well, I've had a real good laugh and much fun with him, I like him so much and I know I'm going to miss and grieve him. I'm going to miss not talking, loving and laughing with him.
We had planned to do quite a few things together but I guess because I'm such a 'full on person', some people find this, too much.
That's me though and if I ever meet another man who shows interest, I'm giving him a rundown of things about me, so that he can make his mind up about me rather than me wasting my energy and time getting to know someone and then having it kicked back in my face, which is how I feel about A in some respects. I guess this sounds like bollocks really but there we have it!
Gosh, all of these life's tests that are thrown at us beat me at times!

I went to a gig last night, Mad Professor heavy dub. It was good and heavy. I bumped into B who wanted to apologise about previous stuff. I was pissed and in a feisty mood so sort of dismissed him in a sense. I know he was trying to be sweet and the like and was sweet of him to apologise but my state of mind was in another place..under different circumstances, I'd have been a sweeter. I just didn't want to get heavily emotional last night due to other stuff. Maybe sometime we'll be able to sit down and talk about it together in an adult way.

A turned up and then went..he didn't want to talk to me which is sad and felt horrible for me. I tried to talk to him but he was having none of it..I guess the time is now one of knuckling down and getting on with stuff and stop letting my energies being sucked away..I just wish he'd explain a few things to me and let me discuss my point. I know I can be hard work on some levels and I feel that I pissed A off last week but things like this should be discussed, thus having a clearer mind. This is what I feel sad about aswell that I've not been able to discuss stuff with A. Ho Hum.

Time out for me and time out for serious reflection...Life goddamit, does my head in at times but then I have to think about what parts I'm playing in life and how this needs to be changed..all a sad learning experience I guess..

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Personal Revolution

So, I go out and get wasted. Again. I drink, drink, drink, piss A off cos of something that I have no recollection about. Feel shit in the morning cos of my feisty temper. Feel pissed off cos I can't do this 'casual' thing very well. Pissed off cos now I won't be out tonight as I'm too hungover, fucked off and feeling like shit.

What's it all about people? Do I need a personal revolution?

Should I join a Buddhist sect or summat and give up on all hedonism for good? Should I become celibate? Should I just go back to bed and forget about stuff?

Fuck knows but I'm ready to head out to the countryside for a fresh perspective on all things..will do me the world of good for sure..

Funnily enough, today also has a certain past reminiscing about it if I think back in time...dear me, I remember it as being classed as 'the first day of spring' all that time ago..

Back to bed I go

Friday, April 04, 2008

The Power of a Smile

Although at first I felt sad about this weekend and the possibility of not seeing A, I realise that at these times, it tests how much you feel for a person and how selfless at times, you have be and indeed, understanding.

Today, I've been listening to Natural Born Killers Soundtrack which is indeed, a class CD! Class tracks on this CD!

Whilst listening to some of the lyrics to Sweet Jane by The Cowboy Junkies, it reminded me why I fell for A on that first night I met him. I smiled at him and he smiled back and thus when he smiled, a whole world of light and loveliness opened up from his hard exterior, which totally touched me and made me realise the power of a smile! These lyrics remind me of that moment and indeed the times when he softens and smiles...

'Heavenly wild roses,
Seem to whisper to me
When you smile'

I'm going to miss not seeing him this weekend but I need to let him be, and indeed face no pressure as he has enough to contend with this weekend and I will just carry on with what I need to do in the meantime; enjoy my friends, music, dancing and the like...
Have a good weekend people

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Wonderment about the weekend ahead..

So tomorrow I'm out for a curry with a load of women friends which should be nice. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing Saturday.
I had a 2 hour chat with A again last night which was sweet. A, although DJing at a charity event, is bogged down with dissertation writing and although we'd loosely planned to meet up, it seems the best for him is if he goes back home to his parents and focusses on completing the work he needs to complete, as it has to be handed in by Monday..
I was looking forward to spending time with him but I also understand that his degree is more important right now and so I need to take a back step and let him do what he needs to do and ensure he focusses on this.
So, I have a few options; Cyber Goth night or Boogaloo night. My friends are heading to the Cyber Goth night and a few people I know are heading to Boogaloo, so I guess it makes sense to head to where my friends are going, plus it's industrial techno which I enjoy greatly!
This week has been a struggle emotionally. Lots of thoughts and sadness have surfaced and I've needed complete detachment from the world around's been quite a toughie cos I've been so sad but I know this is all part of my healing..I've experienced so much loss when I think about it, it's no wonder I feel like I'm still grieving at times. I also think meeting A and being so intimate with him, has been opening up a lot of emotion for me and indeed, taking my mind to places that are only visited when you meet someone who you start to like greatly, indeed a range of emotions that spiral all out of control at times, hence the need to keep grounded, calm and real.

Tomorrow, I'm heading for a well needed swim and sauna, this will calm and relax me and hopefully ground me on some level. Next week I have a week off work whereby I'm having my hair done, massage, walking and whatever else that may come into play. A said he might come walking with me but again, work could get in the way for him..but it will be good for me to get some fresh air and be out there with nature again, even if it means I'm all by myself..these times are good for the soul..