Saturday, December 31, 2005

Plants and global warming

Earlier today, I was listening to a discussion on Radio 4 about the effects global warming is having on plants. The discussion was based at Kew Gardens in London and focussed on an interview with a gardener there. He was discussing about the changes to growth in plants and that certain plants were already growing buds although this isn't supposed to happen until spring.
This in some respects, is a visible sign of the consequences of global warming. I've noticed in my own garden that my roses still have buds on them and new shoots are appearing on their main stem.
This change really concerns me. I would really hate to go to a time in the future where there were no visible changes in the seasons. I actually really love the differences in our seasons, indeed they're a natural cycle to our life and add meaning to life in many ways.
Symbolically too, seasons represent ourselves and our own life cycle in many ways. If I think of myself and relate me to the seasonal cycle, I'm at a crossover period of seasons. I'm at late summer moving very slowly into autumn. I'm still a fertile woman, if you take biology into the equation although I won't be having more children. I still feel full of life, have a pretty good amount of energy - a source that is representative of the sun and the fires of passion are still burning. (Although when speaking of passion, I would argue this continues for many people, in different aspects, throughout their lives.)
So, if global warming continues at the rate it is now, what will the long term effect on us, as human beings, really be? How will it effect our own life cycle? These are all questions that I have no answer too, but that concern me deeply.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

What is love?

Hello people! I hope you all had a happy Xmas. Over the last few months I've been pondering the meaning of love. Well actually I've been pondering the meaning of love abd life since I was five years old come to think of it!
Love definition = deep affection or fondness/sexual passion.. This definition does not go into the different depths of love a person can feel on many different levels. I would like to go into this in more detail and explain what I mean.
Take the loss of my mother for example, I have never felt that sort of pain in my life. This is a pain that reaches right down, deep in the pit of your stomach and crawls up to your throat! This is obviously because of the love felt for my Mother but also the emotional grief that arises from that loss.
On another level, true love in the relationship sense of the word, is an unconditional feeling. It's a feeling that causes you deep sorrow when you say goodbye to that person. It's a feeling that is almost electric when the person you love touches you. It's a feeling that doesn't need words to express emotion..the eyes, in this sort of love, are the main communicator. Indeed in this sort of love, their happiness, is your happiness. On another level, love can be more of a surface doesn't quite reach the depths required to totally fulfill your needs.
I have experienced many levels of love in my life but I think I've only felt deep, true love once.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Works out for Christmas!!

Hooray!! I finally broke up from work today for 2 whole weeks. Thats the perk of being an F.E Teacher I suppose. Although my last day at work was exceptionally boring, with no xmas spirit in my office whatsoever!! I'd much rather have clocked off at 1.00pm and headed off to the pub with a load of colleagues and had a good old drink and gab and actually feel like it's a special time. The day consisted of me and some colleagues moving office furniture around! Great!
Haven't got alot planned for the festive season. Normally I'd do a winter solstice celebration tomorrow but I'm not really in the mood for that after the death of my Mum. I'll light a candle though in her memory tomorrow night and may even get a fire going in the garden with some mulled wine to warm the cockles!!
I may even try to head off to the Peak District - one of my favourite parts of the world for some solace! One thing's for sure, I definitely want to go and see Narnia! I read that book years ago and found it magical then. So I reckon the film may bring a little winter magic into my imagination for Christmas, despite some of the bad reviews it's had. Yes, I think Christmas Eve will be spent away in fantasy land at the cinema!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My head and heart hurts

Well my day has left me with a sore head and heart...really sore!! Don't know why it feels so sore but I think it ranges from sadness to hopelessness. I suppose I'm just having a day where everything seems at a weird point, regarding human emotions!! Ignore will pass.

Donnie Darko and emotions

Well, I showed this fantastic film to a group of students today. It was enjoyed by all and their remarks that followed, was both interesting and enlightening about how people read this film.
Donnie Darko is a truly emotive film, in my opinion. I came away from the session feeling that alot had been achieved in the sense that the group of students had discussed the film really well and each had their own conclusive thoughts. I also came away from the session feeling somewhat spaced out, on another planet. almost!
This film taps into areas of the brain that I feel are not often tapped into, a sort of ancient emotion of times gone by. I can't quite explain this feeling but it gives a slight pain behind the ear region and on the lumpy part at the back of the head - some part of the brain cortex I imagine. For example the area of the brain known as the temporal lobe which finds itself concerned with perception and recognition of auditory stimuli (hearing) and memory (hippocampus).I don't know a whole lot about the brain butI believe the emotive side of the brain, can be felt on a physical plane. Anyway thats my heavy ranting for today!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Violence to women continues

After reading the Weekend section of The Guardian today, it proves what I have been arguing about over the last 10 years of my life, through my time at college and Social Policy degree days! Kathy Viner portrayed this evidence clearly and added numerous photos of women that have been killed over the last year in the UK. Indeed women are much more likely to get abused, maimed or killed at the hands of their male partners compared to men killed by women.
These same men are often given short sentences for such crimes. Again, a fault of the law system in this country and an underrepresentation of women judges.
The added sadness about this article, is the amount of children that have lost their mothers and who probably never had much time to get to know their mothers properly. I really feel for these children, as I lost my Mum two weeks agao and this pain is one that cannot be healed by a magic drug. It will be a gnawing eternal pain throughout my life and undoubtedly throughout the lives of these poor children.
It makes you really wonder about the mentality of some of the men that commit these crimes. Not that I am immune to this, I work in probation hostels with some serious criminals. I have patience, understanding and treat these people with humanity and empathy. But still when I read the article today it made me cringe and reminded me that I'm probably teaching some of these perpetrators.
All of this made me think about society itself and the feminist arguements around power and domination. Indeed the power struggles women and men have both on a professional and domestic level.
What do I think is the solution to ending violence against women? Well, my irrational, angry self wants to commit some sort of painful torture to these men! But my kinder,empathetic, rational self wants to understand, reason and try to change this violence that continues to kill women needlessly!

Friday, December 09, 2005

I love birthdays

I love birthdays! People always make the mistake of thinking that you really have to go over the top with regards to having fun. This was my experience last weekend whilst out on my friend's birthday night. We watched 3 bands, got slowly drunk on our stash of handbag vodka and decided to head to a club that we frequent on very rare occasions.
Along the way we met a lovely guy, who was busking with his guitar. My friend fancied him, so I made every attempt to invite him to the club so she could maybe have some fun.Sadly, he was going home to his girlfriend, which was bit of a birthday blow for my mate!
Once in the club we danced to 80s and 90s music. My mate was on a mad mission regarding her dancing - so I left her to it! She returned a while later to shout
"who the fuck is that fit bastard?"
That fit bastard was one fairly drunk and incoherent god of a man. Now, looks are great, but the head of the person is where it's at for me. She went on all night about how she was as jealous as fuck and that could she have him. I kindly made an offer of her, to this godlike male, but he wasn't having any of it under them dark wavy locks!
We all ended up having a great deal of fun, but the moral of the night for me was, although this guy was stunningly beautiful and indeed Eros himself - he hardly had a word to say about anything!! I'm putting this quietness down to the sheer fact that alcohol and drugs do strange things to people.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Six Feet Under, family and friends are my saviour!

Well four days after my mother's death. What a weird feeling.I've helped sort out all the bureacratic type stuff that needs sorting. I've picked the coffin and off to pick the flowers tonight.
Yesterday and Tuesday were Bad, Bad days. Thanks Barnze for preparing me mentally for those days. Your words have been really appreciated.
Now, this may sound weird, but whilst all this sadness has being going on around me, I have been somewhat comforted by certain episodes of Six Feet Under appearing in my head. Indeed yesterday whilst at the Funeral Directors business, I couldn't help comparing it to the business of the Fishers! I'd much rather have the Fisher's to be dealing with my mothers death. Indeeed they seem to be less business orientated and more empathetic and compassionate. I'm not saying that the one we chose to use isn't empathetic..but it just didn't feel as comforting as the home and atmosphere of the Fishers residence. There were no tissues on the desk for example and the woman dealing with the funeral was nowhere as compassionate as Nate or David. Indeed nowhere near as sexy as Nate!! He would be enough to take your mind off sad things!
The room that we discussed our needs in, was a small cramped office! OK we had a complementary cup of coffee, but so we should for the fuckin price they charge for burials.
My Dad made me laugh out loud about his own wishes to be buried in a biodegradable cardboard box! Non of this 'expensive nonsense' were his words!! My siblings were all almost wetting themselves in disbelief!We then went on to discuss green burials,to be told that a wicker coffin costs £600!!! My Dad continued with.."I better start weaving my own now" more laughter. How I love my Dad for his 'no nonsense' sense of humour! I suppose thats how we should cope with death. To see humour and light amongst all the sadness.
I've also been comforted greatly by going out last night with some really good, caring friends. They forced me out for a curry, with copious amounts of wine. We all ended up extremely hammered and by the end of the night my smiles and laughter had returned. Indeed these people are the sort of friends that I now realise are true, caring friends, who realised I needed to get out and in some way turn my attentions away from shock and sadness.
Today I feel rather lifted in my self. I felt a warm sensation when I placed my Mums old ring on my finger. Maybe her spirit is there around me just like the souls that pass through each episode of Six Feet Under!! Alan Ball IS a genius!