Thursday, January 29, 2009

Fuck me, I'm feeling like I'm coming down off class A's and that's wothout being an addict!!!

Wow, what power in the teenrage angst? What power and energy goes into our beloved children without them ever realising!
A and I found a piece of human like material the other day - I admitted that this was my eldest son's last of, umbilical cord...he sorta cringed but deep down I think he wished his mum would've saved this primal piece of connection to the mother! 17 years of living in a drawer, but still remembered by me, the enemy, of my teen son..continue I will..................

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Beauty of Radio and Riding Through the Storms

My radio station of preference tends to be Radio 4 mainly so that I can listen in and hear what's happening and indeed, listen to some of the great programmes that this station broadcasts. Yesterday's worthy listening was King's Cross Voices, whilst on my way home from work, absolutely great that I can tune in whilst sitting on the bus and hear the radio. The King's Cross Voices is a project about the King's Cross area over the years and recalling people's oral histories throughout time. My fave parts of this programme centred around the Squatter movements, housing and political collectives and the street people's lives, including sex workers and addicts. What a truly wonderful programme hearing such a diverse range of people's stories and experiences, kept me interested for the whole show and anyone who's interested in the project, google King's Cross Voices for more info!

Had a stormy weekend but the clouds have settled to a calmer place and yes, I'm starting to feel a little more at peace.. I had a visit from A last night and this was sweet to ground with him after the stormy clouds over the past few weeks that have occured due to a few reasons. We sat and watched a film together and managed to finally drag ourselves to bed for around 3am! Lovely to be with him and wake up together but sadly, work beckoned for me which I wasn't none to pleased about but hey ho, money HAS to be put on the table from somewhere but trust me, I could've easily spent the day in bed being lazy and hedonistic!

I'm enjoying work although yet again, I've been moved to 2 new hostels - 1 all male and 1 all female - good contrast and a good mix of students.

So, life feels and I hope will remain, in a calm and peaceful place..I hope so because I like peace and calm and although I am an extreme of fury and passion and middle ground is sort of reassuring at times!

I've also started to sort a small room out at home and I think I'm going to convert it into a book come meditation space - the room has a good, pretty spiritual and calm atmosphere in my opinion, I don't know why but it just does and is a good, quiet space for solitude..just need to properly fix it up!

So guys, check out Kings Cross Voices cos I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Farewells to my son

A few days and off goes my son to live in Denmark...I will of course miss him but I am looking forward to the peace and tranquility, no more arguing, no more vying for him asserting his 'male' power over me, as this does seem to have become an issue more recently. I really think being with his Dad and experiencing some male bonding will be good for him and will maybe make him think a little more. Do I sound hard? Do I sound like a bad Mum? In all honesty, I just feel like I need respite and time has now come for him to be out in the big world and become a man. He is indeed nearly 18 and has spent the last 6 months lounging around which has led to both opf us getting on each other's nerves.
I'm looking forward to spending a different sort of time with my younger son, he's been fed up of late with all of the arguements and thus, the house will feel much more peaceful for him..During the weekends too, I will get time of peace and solitude, which right now I feel in need of..

Of late, I have been thinking about how people abuse trust..I guess the hope is that people who do this have a conscience on some level and indeed, work through this..who knows? All I know is that I am very, very tired now, both in my head and in my heart..

Anyway, less of the emotional and here's to my son's farewell and last few days with me! Of course he'll be back often to visit but this time feels a little bit like a rite of passage for him..In Danish we say
'Held og Lykke, god rejse og god fornoelse' - Good luck, have a good journey and lots of fun'

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Inauguration of Obama

So I listened to the Obama speech today and you know what? It touched me. I liked what he had to say, his vision, what he would like to accomplish and how he sees the future. I hope he can bring about these changes and in a way, I feel there may be a new hope amongst the people; for better things, better relations with Arabic nations, better policies around environmentalism, a more collective and true future. I may be an Idealist but Obama's win has given me a new interest in US politics and anticpitating how things will turn out over the next few years..I await.
Here's to Obama's first day as the new President of the US of A!! Long may he reign and long may he give the people and the world a better vision and future..I pray that he will..

Monday, January 12, 2009

Pleasure and hope

Interesting week for me and nice weekend. I went out with a friend for her birthday and caught up with an old friend which was really sweet, funny and warm. We listened to some fab old punk rock in The Old Angel, a good pub in Nottingham for those who like the more punky side of things..always loved the pub when I was in my 20s and still love the pub today! I hope it doesn't become a victim of the times though!

I was invited for dinner Saturday night which too, was very special and sweet. Had a 3 course meal made for me including melon, gorgeous hot chilli with rice and a yummy cream, banana and toffee dessert! Absolutely delicious! I have to say that the night felt very warm, special and sweet and was truly appreciated! I love these sort of nights - just being warm and chilled, really good!

Not long now for my eldest son and his travels to Denmark. I was so glad to see him get out his guitar again today and it looks like he may be taking it with him to Denmark! I hope so and I hope he rekindles his passion for playing again, for he's a natural in my opinion! Would be great for him to get on the music scene in Copenhagen and really start to enjoy culture Danish style! Looks like I'll be out on a Danish hol again this year to ensure I get to see him whilst he's out there... as much as I will miss him, I look forward to spending some nurturing time with my younger son..redecorating and good time to maybe get to know each other on a different sort of level without sibling rivalry!

More to come during this week but will return to write it down..

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

This week's Thoughts

Being laid up with no energy to do anything apart from the mundane, has been sort of's given me lots of thinking time, lstening to R4 time, reading parts of my herbal book, contemplating getting into gardening more this year, thinking about decorating parts of my home and booking a flight for my son to Copenhagen. I'm not one for sitting around too much either but this illness has been good for the above reasons and what a funny old way to start the New Year!

I listened to a wonderful programme today about Charles Darwin and his life. I was never a fan of Natural selection etc but finding out about his life, experiments and theories has been pretty much interesting; he was a family man who worked hard and worked his brain well..interesting that he believed in plants, animals and humans all being connected - I would agree with him on this and indeed, think this as a positive. He was also a humanitarian on many levels and I never realised that Marx related to some of his theories. Interesting stuff. When he died, he wanted to be buried in his local parish grave yard but he was snatched and buried in London! Hard to believe really and must've been madness for his family but the political climate of the time wanted him up there with the almightys!

My son is now officially leaving to live in Denmark at the end of January. I'm mixed about this and of course I'm glad for him because it's a new way of life, a change, a rite of passage on some level, chance to spend good bonding time with his Dad, chance to learn a new language amongst many other things. I guess at the moment we have a very volatile mother -son relationship so his absence will give me respite and I hope he matures well whilst out there. Like any parent, I worry about this change for him, I hope he manages OK, I hope he meets new friends, I hope he settles..although I have told him his home is always here if it doesn't work out and even if he goes away for a year only, then that's a good thing and indeed, has given him access to his Danish roots on a larger level than when he holidays over there..I hope he takes the bull by the horns so to speak and gets on out there meeting new people, having a ball, maybe meeting a Danish girlfriend, being happy..In England, it seems he's lost motivation and is bored..I want him to feel inspired again and indeed I think being around his Dad and the Danish culture will give him a different perspective and motivation.. Time will tell but watch this space!

The Gaza situation is extremely distressing. I was contemplating attending the demo in London this Saturday but with flu, this ain't a good idea. I don't like watching the news footage as it just seems to get more and more depressing but the whole situation seems so unfair on all of the innocents. I can't believe this place is still wrought with problems and I'm a believer in Palestinians having the free state they so deserve..without the interference of Israel.And after studying parts of the Arab- Israeli conflict years ago, it seems to me the only real and viable peaceful option. I foresee that this situation could escalate in the area with other countries getting involved..where will it all end? Sad thoughts indeed..

On a brighter note, I received a text from a friend of a friend asking if I'd like to go out for dinner - all expenses paid!..sweet and kind offer and not sure whether I should go or not but I'm considering and reflecting about a lot just recently which I haven't written about here and it's not the stuff of goodness, has messed with feelings of trust and trust is a biggy for me...not good!! Hmm..

Monday, January 05, 2009

New Year Flu? Nice..

Here we are, the first week of 2009 and guess what? I have a 'flu like illness'. Probably serves me right for getting so battered NYE when I was already ill but hey, I like to see the New Year in, having fun and being with people I like being around!
New Year was good though, it has to be said; good party, nice people, good vibe etc etc.
Anyway, I'm signed off work for a week which I ain't happy about as I have had a fair bit of time off but it can't be helped. I'm also thinking of visiting an Osteopath as my arm is giving me jip and I feel that this may well help with body realignment.
So, this week it looks like a quiet one and a getting better one. I've stocked up on the vit c and pills to help with this pain and I truly hope I get well for the weekend. My friend is celebrating her birthday and I have an invite to go for a walk towards the end of the week which would be cool to blow out the Xmas cobwebs and ground the soul. These things come to us for a reason though and yes, the cosmos is telling me to slow down and rest, rest, rest!

Been reading an interesting article about Kindness and how it's out of fashion..interesting stuff and indeed when you consider the individualistic times we're living in, comes as no surprise. One thing's for sure, I live my life around people who reflect myself and those who don't, I'm afraid the thought of not hanging around has now entered my vocab - harsh for me to think as such but wisdom that has come about over time..I do have some of the greatest most sweet friends and they show me much love, care, thought, generosity and all of those things that are made of goodness..
I'm blessed to have such good people in my life and long may they continue to remain a part of my life!

Happy New Year to all and may you have a wonderful 2009..