Sunday, March 30, 2008

Virgoan Child of Loveliness

Beautiful Virgoan Child,
Bright, fearless, wild,
Untamed, desiring, free,
Playful, erotic, silly.
Bright smile, amongst the sadness,
Coping, despite accidental badness.
My Universe becomes lighter,
The energy becomes brighter,
My body quakes -
Thoughts of you,
Remain with me, true,
My sweet, dear playmate,
Don't shut the gate -
And leave me wide open,
Play with me into the distance,
Forget past circumstance.
Last with me, let's have that chance
Into the night, repeat the dance!

And all because the lady loves impulsive decisions..

So, my weekend didn't go as planned; A had a lot of work to do and didn't feel well so I went out with a few mates on Friday and got drunk, danced, got stoned, ate a kebab, cried and got a taxi home - all the sort of night that Sara tends to find herself in when she's necked too much booze!

Yesterday I had a 3 hour chat with A about many things, it was good to chat with him and share thougts and feelings. I also was a v lazy bugger; laid in bed and listened to music, read the paper and enjoyed an article about open spaces becoming more and more privatised - for more info check out the Open Space Society (think it's called) ate chocolate, daydreamed and intended on getting an early night! Lo and behold, 10.30pm, A called and asked if he could come over to which I was more than happy about and was wonderful to see him when he finally arrived.
He turned up about 11.40pm, was lovely to see him; we chatted, drank, listened to music, I read him a few funny parts from The Karma Sutra book, which made us both laugh out loud and basically had a v sweet time together again. Today we woke up at 11ish and didn't get our shit together until well after 2pm! Dear me, these sort of weekends are great fun, very sweet, touching and intimate; sometimes it's like A and me are coming from the same place and helping each other through certain things which is surely a good thing.

I'm not looking forward to work this week and I'm definitely ready for a hol next week - I'm hoping to take myself off somewhere inspiring and peaceful, prob the Peak District for some walking and drinking action. Would be nice to do this with a mate or indeed A, but we'll see what happens on that score.

Next week, I have a girly curry night to attend and then a charity event that A is DJing at..should be cool and good to hear some live music and a mix of different sounds for sure..

Time tonight to ground myself and get into work mode, after all of last night's antics!

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Peel back the layers
Of what was once before,
Tear away the damage,
The aching, wide open sore.
Thrust into the chest,
Aching pounding fist.
Long journey of birth -
Causing severe unrest.
Mind racing ahead,
Through space; moments, time,
Curl up into a ball,
Mutter nothing, a mime..
Scream internally loud,
Grey and darkened cloud.
Shout into nothingness,
A cold and empty shroud.
Comfort nowhere around -
Deafened by silence, no sound,
Damage beyond belief,
Burdening the thornladen crown..
Seeping into the skin,
Drip and pour begins..

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

In Need of Change

I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with my job at the mo..long story but safety, lone working, juggling all balls at home is started to take its wear and tear on me. Sometimes, I wish I could kick back and let someone else take control..this is where I've failed miserably regarding relationships - I've always mainly been the one who's been worrying about finances and the like.

Last night I felt happy; I spoke to A and we discussed the possibility of going to a 'Bizarre' event in Birmingham, maybe stay in a hotel and then visit the event the following day. Whether this materialises, remains to be seen..I'm sorta trusting it and I hope it does but I have so many insecurities wracking my head at times, that I get all overwhelmed by them and feel as though I need to 'run' in my head cos I'm scared of letting go, spreading too much love and then becoming hurt..sounds depressing and heavy but believe me, I'm trying to work through it and I guess this is why A rang aswell partly - he was concerned about my sadness the other night..and of course he couldn'#t text me back as he had no credit. was at his parents and wanted to return courtesy.

Anyway, enough of that, I know I have an enormous heart and I guess what I'm saying is that I want to make sure the right person/people feel my love, so large is it at times that it scares me how much I do 'give' to people..

This weekend? I'm not sure for deffo what the plans are, I've invited A over again, I know he has loads of uni work and I don't want to distract him away from it but it would be nice to spend time with him again. He seemed keen though when we spoke and I hope he still is! I've been invited to a drum and bass event which if things go pear shaped, I may go to...but I'd prefer to be at home as this is my final weekend with a free reign of the house and last weekend was a true delight!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Heavenly Holiday

Easter weekend? Never been a big celebrater of all things Easter and the like and this year my youngest son went to stay with his Dad whilst my eldest son is on holiday visiting his father in Denmark.

I invited A over on Friday for a meal and Friday lasted right through til Monday! I couldn't wait to see him on Friday, we stayed up until 6am and finally crashed until 3pm the next day..the meal didn't get eaten on Friday so we ate it on Saturday instead whilst chilling to some TV. Again, we stayed up until 4am Sunday and woke around 4pm..dear me! I was invited to an Enchanted Garden Party on Sunday night and invited A, however, he ummed and ahhed about going back home to get on with his uni work but by the time we'd got ourselves sorted, it was 10pm and A decided to stay here and chill whilst I went to the party! I got home around 2ish and we had our own private party whereby, we danced, drank, laughed and I cried about my insecurities and trust issues..

Again, we crashed about 4am! I'm tired today but I realise that A is touching me deeply..We've shared so much intimacy and feelings about different things this weekend that I feel like we have an understanding. I told him that he can always trust me and that he really should never believe he can't..
I really don't know where any of this is going to go and I really don't want him to move away from Nottingham if he gets a job elsewhere but I understand that he has to follow the path that best benefits him and his future...however, I also feel that I'd like to be involved in his future on some level..I think I'm falling for this man, I really think I am.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Hectic week, hectic head

This week has been hectic to say the least. Workwise, I again, have been asked to work in 2 new places and take over a previous tutor's sessions. That means, 4 classes where I'm picking up what a fellow tutor has left behind..this is no easy feat and has, to be frankly honest, pissed me off a little. I like the places, they are in the Radford area of Nottingham, so very easy for me to get to but to piuck up on many subjects that another has left behind, is HARD WORK! I have been given no debriefing, no info about who's doing what, no learning support on 2 of the days meaning I'm lone teaching with 6 learners, 5 male and 1 female, in a small room with no panic alarm! Not good.

So I guess this weekend is going to be a hedonistic one to alleviate the stresses! I actually think it's time I delve into looking for something new to do, that or go down to 3 days working. It's hard to be a single parent; teach disaffected youths, keep a home running, maintain financial stability, nurtue and be there as much as possible for my own kids..Not an easy juggling act..and if they expect me to carry 3 laptops on public transport through the inner city of Nottingham, then I'm going off work with safety is a damned sight more important and I REFUSE to carry more than one laptop through such an area. We'll see what the outcome is!

Here's to an intersting weekend..Spend time with A, Go to a party and take up an other offers that are thrown my way!

Happy Easter People and I will remain POSITIVE :-)

Monday, March 17, 2008

The need to peel back the years of hurt

I've recently been feeling quite a lot of emotions due to spending time with A.. I'm starting to realise that I have massive issues about rejection and vulnerability. I read a little extract from a book to him recently, about a woman who has an affair with a younger man because the woman was starved of affection from her partner. I told A that her situation was a little similar to mine with my son's Dad, although when I met B my relationship was pretty much over and we were living seperate lives. B was given so much affection back then.. I guess this is why I became so very sad when I felt a continual rejection from him but also, this rejection tapped into the rejection I'd endured from my son's Dad; not an easy feat, it has to be said.

I guess I'm trying to unpeel all the layers of rejection and hurt over the past 11years or so..I guess the road to recovery is a very long and winding one with many stops and accidents happening along the way..Sometimes, I wonder about some sort of group I could attend to address these issues or even a counselling session, Sometimes I think, just keep reading and practising Buddhist thoughts. Sometimes I get so confused and overwhelmed, I don't know what to think. Sometimes I question so many things that I go down a long spiral..I guess too, I have to be careful about A because he's hoping to move to London to find work once he's finished his degree, which will be wonderful for him but again, I guess I'll lose out on some level. I guess the real challenge for me is, putting my energies into a place where there won't be further hurt or rejction.

I guess I just have to go with the flow and let the rivers take me to where I truly belong in this world and eventually peace will surface - I guess this acts as a kind of faith and meaning to me right now..

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Too old for this

So today, I'm feeling a little confused about quite a few head feels a little full and not quite sure where it wants to go..I think I need to follow the words and a poem of Derek Walcott.
I think it's time for me to knuckle down and love and forgive myself more than anyone else in the whole wide world (apart from my kids of course). I wish that angel who visited me, a month or so ago in my dreams/reality, would reappear..I know he won't because when you wish for somthing to happen, it never happens but when you remain static, it comes to you..

I'm red faced because I've drank a few glasses of red wine and I'm feeling all wind swept after my cycle there and back to the city..I will have an early night and I hope I wake up feeling a little more clearer...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Under the Rug

This poem has been inpsired by last weekend, at one point, I felt like I was in a far off country, under a Bedouin Tent or some such..sounds intriguing but was a moment that will last in my memory, for sure... I am an incurable dreamer and lover of bliss, that's for sure!

Bedouin friend,
I want no end,
Under the wool stars,
Healing respective scars,
Heat without sun,
Energy from fun..
Darkness but light,
Heavenly night..
Wool set on fire,
Open the heart; clear the mire..
Covering speech,
Spanking peach -
Finger dexterity,
Life force in his hands,
Trust in him - give that chance..
Thin veil of life and death,
Breath held in his palms..
Slowing down to calm..

Me? Dear Me?

My ex of 11 years used to call me 'incourageable'. I tempted him to do things and had a life and soul element about me. He was, according to the Chinese Horoscopes a 'wood Dragon', whereas me? I am a Fire Sheep - Totally burnt the wood I guess;
I guess I was too hot to handle at times. Sometimes I think to myself that it's gonna take a 'special sort of guy' to understand, relate, love, trust, accept, nurture and take me for who I am..

I don't want to be criticised for being a woman for the the following things..

Don't always have silky smooth shaven legs
Nail Varnish a tad scratched
Too drunk
Not respected cos I have two kids by 2 different fathers
Not respected because my long term relationships with men have failed
Making assumptions about who I am
Perceiving me as being 'unworthy'
Not going to beauticians, nail bars and all of that bullshit that so many sad women buy into

I do feel that there is still BIG issues with the sexes and maybe this means, an element of misogyny will evermore exist amongst men..

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Happiness is.....

- Two compatible earth signs together, who seeminly have met their passionate match..Virgo and Virgo? What a match!

- Receiving that lovely phone call from A and him coming to meet me at the station.

- Going to see A, him cooking a massive, gorgeous dinner at 12am and then staying with him until 1pm the next random yet so ;

- Allowing A to read my recent poems about him and moments shared with him..

- Cycling back from his, all the way down cycle lanes, even though the wind was so strong, I felt free, positive, blissful and sparklingly happy.

- Meeting friends last night and heading to a fab party.

- Bumping into some old friends at party and having a real lovely chat and dance.

- Friend puking all over herself, OK it doesn't make me happy but it's funny to laugh about after.

- Losing my coat...this I ain't happy about!

- A calling and me going over in the middle of the night and having a delightful time..

Wow, what a weekend, what happiness, bliss and sunshine has moved into my world!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

To bring a ray of sunshine to those incarcerated

Today in my hostel teaching environment, I was called a 'Ray of Sunshine'. This touched me greatly and especially when the person who said it, is an ex offender who is likely to be 'on licence' all of his life. I have faith that criminals can rehabiliate, I see positiveness from some of the men that I teach, I see a light switch on and a hope in their heart. Some of these men have committed attrocious crimes against others' but they are also often a product of what their own life has been. I'm not excusing behaviour here and I am very aware that there are people who are extremely manipulative BUT, to receive such a sweet comment from this student, reminded me that after all, this person is a human being with feelings..hence I never believe that the death penalty is a good thing..

Tomorrow, I plan to visit A. I look so forward to seeing him and his lovely smile and self.. I may well cycle over there or maybe take the train and cycle the rest of the way to where he lives..I had a lovely chat with him last night and feel easy and light about everything with him.. Here's to sharing a sweet night with him again.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Thoughts and reflections...

Three years ago tomorrow, was the changing day of my life, in many ways, in that, I went to meet the person called B.I met him in a bar, we went back to his, I spent sweet time with him and the following Saturday too, to then have it all thrown back in my face..I was truly gutted about this, it has to be said. I spent 3 years thinking about him, I always will have a place in my heart for him and I guess him meeting someone new last summer, started to confirm to me, that he never really wanted anything major with me and indeed, couldn't have held the depth of love that I thought he may've held.....
It's been good for me to meet and spend time with A; we are very different sort of people and yet really similar and complimentary aswell in the things we like..for example, he's a big reggae fan and DJ - a reformed Gangsta Rap worshipper to a peace loving man, funnily enough, reggae was one of my loves way back in my teen years so we have a lot of crossover here with regards to this. The friendship is very different and yet, i feel we compliment each other, he's very masculine and yet a little boy underneath it all too, at the same which he does admit and indeed, isn't really proud of but does acknowledge this about himself.. He's VERY cheeky to me and yet has such a genuineness about himself, that I realise he's a truly sweet person.
He's extremely upfront but not about his own feelings where I'm concerned and shrouds his feelings in sarcasm - the other day for example, I go to see him and he says that he didn't put on his nice shirt for me...I laughed out loud..he looked at me in a way that spoke volumes! I can be myself with him regarding feelings and tactileness, which for me is massive and speaks volumes that I can be as such cos I am a really tactile person.

I like A a lot, I like his sensitivity, his brashness, masculinity, all of those things that let us be attracted to another person... I like the fact that he's turning his life around and yet admits defeat at times. I'm off to see him again this weekend and off to a party aswell, all should be good and maybe, just maybe, A has been sent to me to lighten the load and remind me that there is fun to be had out there and indeed, let me realise and rediscover again my feminine, wild and sensual self...
He called me both a Psycho and a Genius! He knows me so well!!!!!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Deja Vu

What is Deja Vu really about? I've had quite a few Deja Vu moments in life, the first one I specifically remember, was when I was about 10 years old and I was sleeping over at my friend's and had the feeling as we all sat and ate dinner, it freaked me out cos I'd never experienced it before. I've had random ones since then but the most recent one, felt really strong and real! I was lying down on A's bed just as the dawn was rising on Sunday morning, stroking his hair and plaiting it, when all of a sudden, I got a strange rush of 'Deja Vu'..I felt I'd been in this situation and moment before with him, weirdness. I told him about it and apparently, he gets Deja Vu a fair bit too..

So, I decided to do a little research about it and here's what I uncovered..

Déjà vu (pronounced /ˈdeɪʒɑː ˈvuː/ (help·info); French /deʒa vy/ (help·info) "already seen"; also called paramnesia, from Greek παρα para, "near" + μνήμη mnēmē, "memory") is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has repeated itself). The term was coined by a French psychic researcher, Émile Boirac (1851–1917) in his book L'Avenir des sciences psychiques (The Future of Psychic Sciences), which expanded upon an essay he wrote while an undergraduate. The experience of déjà vu is usually accompanied by a compelling sense of familiarity, and also a sense of "eeriness", "strangeness", or "weirdness". The "previous" experience is most frequently attributed to a dream, although in some cases there is a firm sense that the experience "genuinely happened" in the past.

The experience of déjà vu seems to be very common; in formal studies 70% of people report having experienced it at least once. References to the experience of déjà vu are also found in literature of the past, indicating it is not a new phenomenon. It has been extremely difficult to invoke the déjà vu experience in laboratory settings, therefore making it a subject of few empirical studies. Recently, researchers have found ways to recreate this sensation using hypnosis

Some believe déjà vu is the memory of dreams. Though the majority of dreams are never remembered, a dreaming person can display activity in the areas of the brain that process long-term memory. It has been speculated that dreams read directly into long-term memory, bypassing short-term memory entirely. In this case, déjà vu might be a memory of a forgotten dream with elements in common with the current waking experience. This may be similar to another phenomenon known as déjà rêvé, or "already dreamed."

Not only is the link to dreams as they pertain to déjà vu the subject of scientific and psychological studies, it is also a subject of spiritual texts, as is found, for example, in the writings of the Bahá'í Faith with quotes like "... perchance when ten years are gone, thou wilt witness in the outer world the very things thou hast dreamed tonight."[12] and "Behold how the thing which thou hast seen in thy dream is, after a considerable lapse of time, fully realized."[13]

Some people have suggested that a feeling of remembering occurs in a sense that a person might realize that what he had dreamt is now a relevant present action that is taking place right here right now. It seems highly unlikely that a person's dream has manifested itself into reality before the present action

"I was once sitting down in the kitchen noticing that my plate seemed well too familiar, it seemed as if my head motions were foreseen, and that every move would trigger a continuation to happen or so, i had many déjà vu's as a child but this was extraordinary,i knew from the bottom of my heart that i had dreamed this situation years ago, as a little boy, that amazingly an entire piece of memory was regained and i finally understood when and where i was dreaming and how long this dream was, and most importantly how many years ago did i dream."

Parallel Universes
Scientists working on Quantum Physics have proposed the existence of Parallel Universes, which leads some to believe that déjà vu is a result of overlapping events in two or more parallel universes due to a disruption in the fabric of spacetime or when one may experience an event which has already occurred to his/her counterpart in another universe.

Those believing in reincarnation theorize that déjà vu is caused by fragments of past-life memories being jarred to the surface of the mind by familiar surroundings or people. Others theorize that the phenomenon is caused by astral projection, or out-of-body experiences (OBEs), where it is possible that individuals have visited places while in their astral bodies during sleep. The sensation may also be interpreted as connected to the fulfillment of a condition as seen or felt in a premonition. For further cases of remembering information from past lives, see Ian Stevenson.

Feeling of Light and happiness..

Maybe my angel dream was more poignant than I imagined? Recently, I've started to feel more happier than I've felt in quite a while. I guess being relaxed about everything, having sweet times with friends and indeed A, are making my life feel good and positive. Happiness has to come from within too, it's true but I think and indeed I know I am an essentially happy, positive person..

I know I'm falling for A, I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I feel that I should just enjoy the moments when I do see him and not get all caught up in any imagined detail..I have issues around trust and I sorta know that makes two of us, in all reality, but the crying episode and his comforting me last week, has touched me on a really deep level.

Anyway, I've wrote a little poem recently poem and I really like the contrast in this poem.. it makes complete sense to me but it may seem obscure to the had to be in the moment to understand what it means maybe?

Urban Clouds

Under the soft whiteness,
A heaven, amongst the hell.
White fluffy clouds of lovingness,
Float, rest and swell..
Bury the burning skin -
With clouds of cotton white,
Peaceful, serene, welcoming -
Restful urban delight -
Inner city dream;
Calm, clear, meditative,
Far from urban screams,
Warm, muffled sedative,
Dreamstate place - hypnotic..
Transcends place and time..
Beauty in simplicity..
Inner city clouds..

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Whirl of a Weekend...

A heavy last three days has been had by Rantingsara, not heavy in the hippy sense but heavy in the 'full on and fun' sense. I visited A which was good, good fun and I was introduced to one if his friends who was a sweetheart, seemed a proper genuine sort of guy. We all had a good laugh, A cooked for us, as we pressured him to and he did used to be a Chef..He managed to throw together a real nice pasta sauce with pasta, pretty impressive to say his cupboard was almost bare! We had a good chat about many things and as I suspected, A has a VERY, let's call it a 'colourful' past to the say least! BUT depsite this, I feel he has a good heart and reflects a lot about things he/I says.. Had a seriously weird Deja Vu moment with him, God knows what that was all about but it freaked me a little!
My best friend from school got married for the second time to a spanish guy, who she met 5 years ago when her first marriage was breaking down..the road to their love hasn't been an easy one but their love for each other is so strong, that it proves to me that things can come true and indeed work out, if both parties are truly 'in love' dedicated and prepared to accept the rough with the smooth. The ceremony was emotional for me and indeed touched me greatly, it was also fairly 'High Churchy' due to R being a Catholic - Bread and wine and all of that malarchy..

R, her new husband, is a one in a million kind of guy, with masses of warmth, kindness, compassion, spirituality and love - quite a unique man in all honesty.. they're also expecting their child in June even though she already has two kids from her previous marriage and is 40., I their life has truly begun!

So, this weekend has been hectic and a whirl, I became emotional on A the other day, tears flowed and the like, long story but the comfort I felt from him really warmed my say he has such a 'colourful' past and hard exterior, he has an inner beauty of such ability to show a real, soft and genuine caring core, this touched me greatly, in all reality. Deary me..I feel grounded and calm about A and indeed, feel like I'm getting to know him more and more, as each hour that I see him, passes..